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Tortured Soul · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with domestic violence,
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: pregnancy termination, and talk of suicide. Listener discretion is advised.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: What would you do, dear listener, if you found out
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: something about your partner that changed the very fabric of
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: your relationship at a point when you felt you were
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: too far in would you cut and run or would
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: you trust the fact you've now found out and try
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: to move on.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: He knew that I wouldn't have continued with the relationship
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: if you told me so. He didn't, and then he
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: decided to buy a house with me and start this
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: whole life with me without being honest about this very
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: crucial part that I deserve to know.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: So maybe you do keep moving forward. Maybe you move
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: forward for six years, but through and after it all,
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: it turns out what you thought what was the issue
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: didn't even scratch the surface.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: At that moment when he had opened up about that,
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: it was just like all the pieces just fit. It
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: was like that missing puzzle piece that I was trying
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: to search for for so many years, and I found it,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: you know, the penny dropped. It wasn't just his depression,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: it wasn't just all these other things. There was no
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: hope anymore.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. We're so
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: often hear that when you're not looking, that's when you
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: find the right person. But sometimes, like for Rebecca and Cam,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: it's not even you who finds the person, but someone else,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: a trusted friend with only good intentions.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: We met in January of twenty seventeen. We were set
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: up by a mutual friend and at the time I
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: was twenty almost twenty one and he was twenty three.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: I wasn't really looking for anything serious, sort of just
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: popped up. My friend thought that we would be well
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: suited together, and you know, why not give it a crack.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: So I thought, you know, what have I got to lose?
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: So we organized a date. It all happened pretty quickly.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: It was within the week. We went on a date.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: We went to the beach, got a coffee, and we
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: sort of just sat on the beach talking for a
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: couple of hours, and like it was good. First time
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I saw him, I thought he was cute, you know,
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is good. We hit it off
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: straight away. Really, we just vibed. He had a good
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: energy about him, and I was attracted to him. You know.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: He was wearing a hat and he always seemed to
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: wear hats, and he had one of those beaber fringes,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: and he was tall. He had a really nice smile,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: you know, like it was really nice. It was very inviting.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: We had a lot of similarities, like he had had
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: a serious motorbike accident when he was fourteen, and I
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: had the same one when I was eighteen, and we
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: both experienced the same brain injury, which I'm fine now,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: by the way, but that was something that we could
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: relate to, and that was something that really sort of
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: connected us right from the beginning, because not many people
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: in this world know what it's like to have a
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: well temporary brain injury. No one really knows what that
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: feeling's like. But he did, you know, we did. So
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: we just bonded over that and we just laughed and
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: he was funny and he was nice, and he just
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: seemed to be on my level, and I just really
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: like that. And I think because we were set up
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: through a mutual friend as well, there's that connection there,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: so it's sort of just like that instant you can
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: just you can trust them. I wasn't actually going to
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: go on a second date. Towards the end of the date,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: he was talking about his ex a lot, and that's
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: sort of like a turn off to me. I'm just like,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not really interested in talking about exes. It's not
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: really something you talk about on a first day. But
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: I sort of went home and I spoke to my
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: sister and she's like, just give it another go, because
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: he was really keen to see me again. And I
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: was just like, oh yeah, but he spoke about his
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: ex and you know, and she's like, just give it
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: a go, just give it another girl, and I was
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: like okay. So it was like two days later and
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: we met up again. I actually went to his house,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: which is not something that I'd usually do, but just
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: felt comfortable and easy to do, so so I did
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: and we hung out at his and honestly, the rest
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: was history. We just we would see each other like
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: almost every single day. We lived basically an hour apart
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: from each other, but we'd always make the drive, like
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: after work or we just had this routine. It all
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: just happened so quickly, and we were just like two
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: peas in a pod. We spend a lot of time
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: at each other's houses. He lived close to the water,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: so we'd always drive to the beach, have a coffee.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: We'd go on hikes. I love deer, so we'd always
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: try and find the deer. We just spend a lot
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: of time near the water, and we spoke a lot.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: We had good communication, so we just spent most of
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: our time talking and it was just strengthening the connection.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: I felt very early on that that I was falling
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: in love with him, and I felt that that was reciprocated.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: And three months in I said that I loved him
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: and he set it back, and then it just it
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: shot off.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: The relationship picked up thick and fast from there. Quickly
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: they knew they wanted to live together, so they put
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: their financial maturity caps on, saved hard, and after Josh
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: I have eighteen months together, they bought a house.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: It was amazing. It was like living with your best friend. Honestly,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: it was like a constant sleepover with your best friend
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: every single day. I was so happy. We would both
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: work full time and he would leave for work earlier
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: than me, and he would always leave a coffee in
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: a coffee cup for me with a little note next
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: to the kettle, always like a cute note that was
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: always really nice. So I'd always have something nice to
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: wake up to every morning. And so we would go
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: to work, we'd come home and then we cooked dinner together.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: We'd sit out the back. We loved having cups of teas,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: so we just sit out at the back and we
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: just talk. We just talk about everything, honestly, like we
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: could talk to the cows. Came home like it was
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: just we're so close and so that's what our afternoon,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: our evening would look like. It was one of those
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: relationships where it's just it's perfect, you know, like even
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: people at work they're talking about their relationships, or he
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: does this that's annoying or whatever. I never had anything
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: bad to say. It was just we were so close
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and connected and every day was just absolutely amazing. It
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: was just one of those relationships where like nothing could
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: go wrong, you know, like everything's just perfect. And there
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: was a lot of faith in the relationship. A lot
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: of trust in the relationship and it was just it
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: was amazing. So those first six months were just everything.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Uh oh, what happened? After six months?
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: There was one night that we were sitting in the
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: back room. He started just having this panic attack next
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: to me, and I was looked at him. I was like, like,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: what's going on? And he was like, I can't hide
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: this any longer. I need to tell you. And he
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: told me that he had cheated on me seven months
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: into a relationship with a girl that he used to
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: speak to, and you know, he was he started to
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: go into detail, but I stopped him in his tracks.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't I don't want to know, I
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: don't care to know. And I just sort of just
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: jumped up, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: car and he was it was like a whole dramatic
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: scene where he was chasing me out and he was like,
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: please don't leave. I love you. You know I made
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: a mistake. And I was like, I'm not hearing it.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I don't care to hear about it. And I got
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: in my car and I took off and I drove
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: like twenty minutes and I just sat in my car
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: for hours, just trying to process everything. I was shocked,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: and I was angry. I was I was shocked, and
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I was angry because why would you commit to buying
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: a house with me and starting this life with me
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: and you couldn't be honest about what had happened because
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: he knew. He knew. I'd always said it right from
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: the beginning, like the one thing you don't do is
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: cheat on me, Like he knew that I would have
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: continued with the relationship if he told me so. He didn't,
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: and then he decided to buy a house with me
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: and start this whole life with me without being honest
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: about this very crucial part that I deserve to know.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I just couldn't get my head around what he told
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: me and how I was supposed to move forward that
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: because I've always been so you know, if someone cheats
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: on you, like that's it. I just don't have time
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: for that stuff. And you know, I've been with like
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: in past relationships where they've been unfaithful, and I felt
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: like I'd learned a lot from those times and sort
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: of like if something like that came up again, I
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: wouldn't put up with that again. Here I was bought
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: a house with this guy and he's just told me
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: this exact thing. I think it was eating him up inside.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, we spoke about everything. I was so surprised
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: that he kept this so so quiet. You know, we
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: spoke about everything. We had great communication, and I think
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: just how close we were. I think it was just
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: eating him up inside. The gilt was getting to him.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: And I don't know why he decided to tell me
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: that point, but he did so. After a couple of hours,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I drove back to the house. He was waiting at
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: the door. When I got home, I didn't speak to him.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I just straightway went to bed. We didn't speak it
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: all that night, made him sleep on the lounge that night,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: and that next morning we spoke about it briefly. I
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: was still pretty hurt at that time, but basically he
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: just kept telling me that he loved me and that
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: he made a mistake. And you know that the reason
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: that he told me was because he just couldn't keep
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: it in any longer and felt like I had a
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: right to know, so so he told me. I think
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: it took me a couple of days just to sort
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: of get my head around it and work out what
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I wanted to do going forward, because, like I mean,
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: if we hadn't bought a house together, I wouldn't ditched
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: it and run at that moment. But I felt like,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: you know, I'd moved an hour away from from my home,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I'd gotten this new job, we bought a house. You know,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: We've got three beautiful dogs, and we started this life together.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And it's not as easy as just leaving. So it
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: was after a couple of days, he was sitting up
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: in the garage just on a camping chair, just having
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: a beer, and I sort of I pulled up a
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: chair next to him. And this was the first time
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I'd sort of been really open to properly talking about it,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: and I sort of took the focus away from me,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: and I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: to know what it was like for him to keep
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: that secret from me. I basically said that, listen, we've
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: got this house together, we've got this whole life together.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Who we were at seven months is completely different to
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: who we are now. Just as long as going forward
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: we're always open and we're honest, I can move past this.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: So we agreed that we moved past it, and that
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: was it. You know, like it's still hurt, but I
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: have a good ability to sort of let these things go,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: sort of heal, and I felt like I could move on,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: and I did. I felt that I still loved him
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: the same, But it did, it did change things, at
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: least in the interim. For me. I couldn't get it
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: out of my head, just the thought of him being
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: with somebody else, and especially when it had happened. He
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: literally saw me that next day and I'd slept with
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: him that next day, you know, and that just it
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: makes me feel sick to think of those things. But
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I did feel that we were strong enough to be
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: able to get through it, and I felt within myself,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: I felt that I was strong enough, and I felt
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: like I'd made peace with it, you know, and we
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: were good. It felt like we were sort of on
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: track again, and he was loving on me and he
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: was everything. And then he just changed. Something changed. He
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: became distant. He started to become distant from me. I
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: was not sure what was going on, because I mean,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: he's been pleading and telling me how much he loved
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: me and how much a mistake he made and everything
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: like that, and I wasn't sure why he pulled back
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: so much, and then he just basically told me that
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: he was struggling with the guilt of it all, and
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: basically that he loved me, but he wasn't in love
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: with me, and that completely destroyed me. I was like, so,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I'm like bending over backwards trying to get over this thing,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: and what have I got to hang on to now? Like?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: What have I got to? I mean, you're not even
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: in love with me anymore. Like it was just it
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: was so brutal. And then he told me that he
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: wasn't attracted to me and that he never really was.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: He just fell in love with my heart. That was horrendous.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like everything inside me just changed.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: My appearance in the mirror. Everything when I'd stand in
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: front the mirror, it wasn't even me looking back anymore.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I couldn't everything changed about me. I just I mean,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: you can be told by many people that you know
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: you're attractive or whatever, but then that person that you're
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: in love with, if he tells you that you're not,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you believe it. So I did. That was so brutal.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: That was that desdrove me. I was obviously extremely hurt.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I cried, I cried a lot, but I was also
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: so confused. I couldn't understand where this was coming from.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, a week earlier, he was pleading with me
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: to saying that how much he loved me and how
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: much he regretted everything. In a couple of days, we
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: were going away with his family. So we had decided
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: that he was going to go on that family trip
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: and I was going to stay home because he wasn't
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. This
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: all happened within a week, So he went away with
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: his family. I stayed home, and that was really hard.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: We didn't have any communication in that time, and the
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: whole time I was just roodled with anxiety. I was like,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: you know, what's it going to be like when he
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: gets back? Will he want to be with me? Will
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: he will he want to leave me? Like? Where do
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I stand with this? He got back from his trip
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: and basically he said that you know that he feels
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: that he wants to work on things. And I was relieved,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: still very confused, but I think it's just been such
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: a whirlwind of a week, you know, from being told
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: that I've been cheated on and I just bought this
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: house and all this stuff had been a lie to
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: he's no longer in love with me, nor is he
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: attracted to me to that now he wants to work
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: on things, and I was relieved, and I was like, Okay,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: we can do this, you know, like maybe it was
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: just the guilt of everything. Maybe it was just the
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: fact that he'd been holding this big secret from me
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: for so long, and we were so close. You know,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: we're best friends, and we've been best friends for two years,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: you know, like it was just I sort of was like, okay,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I can kind of understand this. Okay, okay, like let's
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: reset and let's try this again. I just wanted him
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: to love me, and I think being cheated on and
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: having that ripped away from me, having the relationship ripped
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: away from me so quickly, and then being told that,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: instead of feeling like, you know, screw you, it felt
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: like I just I just wanted him to love me,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: and I just didn't know why he didn't love me,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: and we'd been so close for so long, so I
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: just almost felt desperate for him to love me. So
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I didn't look at it as in, you'd hurt me,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: you'd done this to me, like how dare you. I'm
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: just I'm out of here sort of thing. Like, I
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: just I was so focused on just getting us back,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: getting us back on track, and getting us back to
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: where we were, because everything had just blown up in
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: a second, you know, like it was just I did
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: not see it coming.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: The relationship inevitably changed. While they acted on the surface
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: like everything was okay, behind closed doors, it wasn't.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: We'd always had great intimacy, we were always very bonded
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: in that way, very connected in that way. It was.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: It was great. There was never any sign there were
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: never any signs that anything was wrong in that department
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: at all. But the moment that he told me that
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: he cheated on me, that's when its apart. We stopped
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: being intimate. When he told me that he wasn't in
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: love with me and that he wasn't attracted to me,
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: that he never was in the first place. He'd also
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: told me that he no longer wanted to sleep with
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: me because he wasn't attracted to me, and so that
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: fizzled very quickly. He started drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I mean I would get home of an evening and
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: he'd already be into the beers. Sometimes it was a
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: case of beer a night. He would tell me that
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: it was from the guilt of everything that he'd done,
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: that he just felt so bad about it and so
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: bad about himself for what he'd done to me and
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: everything like that. So it would almost make me feel
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: guilty for well feeling bad about him cheating on me.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: So I just stopped. I felt like I had to
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: move on because every time I couldn't, I couldn't draw
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: attention to it, because every time that I would, he
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: would just withdraw from me, because that's how he got
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: when he drank. He would be arrogant, he'd be cold,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: he'd be mean, he'd be distant and on sianta. I
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: just I just wanted him to love me again, and
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I just I wasn't able to speak about the cheating
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: because he would just he pull away from me, and
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I didn't want that, so I just didn't. I kept
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: it to myself, and I just thought that, you know,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: if we didn't bring it up and we just continued
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: on as as normal, then then maybe everything would just
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: balance back out and he would just because he hadn't
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: he hadn't been drinking throughout the whole relationship, not like
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: he was now, and he was just this completely different person.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I look back now and I think, why wouldn't I
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: have left? Why would I have not have just packed
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: my bags and left? But at that time, I wanted
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: us to get back on track because we've been best
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: friends for two years, you know, and we'd have we
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: had a house together, we had a whole life together,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: and obviously I was I was confused as to what
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: was going on because we'd been so close for so long.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: So it was sort of like I knew that something
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: was going on with him and that it was something
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: more than what he was telling me, and I just
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I just needed to work it out, and I needed
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: to to get us back to where we were because
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: we were so good. So when he came back from
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: his family getaway and he told me that he wanted
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: to work on things, I was relieved and I was happy,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: and I was ready to resat with him and move forward.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: So once he told me that, I was kind of like, Okay,
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: so it's something more than me and than us, and
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: it's sort of just like it was starting to put
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: pieces together. I'm like, Okay, this is something that we
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: that we can move forward with we can work out
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: it's you know, he's struggling mentally, Okay. I wanted to
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: help him, so, you know, we had a lot of
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: conversations about that, and you know, I did a lot
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: of research and you know, I went to doctor's appointments
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: with him. I was always there too. I was always
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: talking about it. So when he went to the door
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: as he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they gave
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: him medication for that, some antidepressants for that. And at
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: that point he was still very distant from me. We
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: weren't really communicating much, we weren't intimate. He was still
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: drinking a lot at that point. But he started on
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: the antidepressants and probably about I don't know, two or
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: three weeks later, things dramatically improved. It's like he did
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: this whole one to eighty, you know, and he was
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: back to the cam that I knew and loved. He
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: was back to normal, and I was like, okay, so
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: it was just depression and this medication is obviously helping,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: so okay, Like it just it gave me hope, you know,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: it gave us both hope. To be honest, it was
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: just we were back on track. We were starting to
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: be intimate again, we were communicating again. He told me
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: that he'd fallen back in love with me, and he
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm so sorry for everything that happens, you know,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: like that wouldn't ever happen again. I don't know what happened,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: but it felt good and we were back on track.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Thank god. So that it's the end of the story then.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: But that lasted about a week. He decided that, you know,
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: he's feeling good. He no longer needed the medication anymore.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: So he decided to stop. And literally the moment he did,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: everything just flipped on its head again, did another complete
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: one eighty well, right back to square one. He told
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: me that he didn't love me again. We weren't intimate anymore.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: He was just going back and forth, over and over again.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: He did this so many times. He would go back
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: on his medication. He would go back off as soon
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: as he started to feel good again. He felt like
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: he was strong enough to stop. And honestly, this probably
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: happened about ten fifteen times, honestly, just back and forth,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: and in that time, I was just losing my mind.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: to help this guy. Initially, when he would go off
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: the medication, I would just be looking forward to the
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: next time that he got on that medication, because I
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: just knew that when he would be on the medication,
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: on the antidepressants, that he would come back. But as
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: time went on and the more times he did it,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: he just he stopped coming back. He was just sort
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: of just still wasn't in love with me, still didn't
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: like me, still didn't want to be with me. He
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: would become very mean. He'd say very mean things to me.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of the time when he would talk
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: about the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, he
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: would be basically yelling in my face that he didn't
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: want to be with me. A lot of the time,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: when he would drink, he would threaten suicide. He would
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: tell me how unhappy he was, how unhappy I made him,
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: how unhappy he was with his life, how he should
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: just end it all. There were many times that he
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: would punch holes in the wall. He was forever just
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: fixing up holes in the wall. Even broke his knuckles
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: once from punching a hole in the wall. It was
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: embarrassing to have people over because it's like, how do
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: you explain these random holes in the walls, all these patches,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: you know, Like I felt like I couldn't even have
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: my parents over because they'd noticed that stuff straight away.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: I just felt like every single day I didn't know
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: what to expect. I mean, if he wasn't punching holes
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: in the wall, he was yelling in my face, he
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: was hurling Esk's across the room at me. So I
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: sort of got to the point that I switched off.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I still remember the moment that I felt all my
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: emotions to switch off, like it'd been complete It'd been
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: complete turmoil every single day because he was just in
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: this constant cycle and he would be drinking so much,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: and every single day you just never knew what was
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: going to happen. I just became a shell of a human.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: It's hard to even think what I was actually like
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: at that time. I was just existing, really just making
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: it through the next day and just hoping that, you know,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: tomorrow will be a better day. And sometimes it was,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: and other times it wasn't far.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: From Rebecca knew this wasn't the life she wanted, but
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: she didn't know how to get out.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't leave. Initially, it was you
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: know that we can work on this and we can
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: move forward, and you know, there was hope for us.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: But it got to the point that he'd just beaten
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: me down so much. My self confidence was so low,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I had gained so much weight. I felt horrible about myself.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: I just felt completely stuck in this cycle. And I
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: felt like I was too weak. I couldn't I couldn't leave,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: and it just felt like even just the thought of leaving.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, of course I thought about it as anyone would,
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: but the process of leaving just seemed way too hot.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I was the shell of a human and I just
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: I just put up with it. I just I just stayed.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I stopped hoping that he would come back, and I
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: just dealt with whatever came my way every single day,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: whether it was violent, whether it was verbal abuse, every like.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I just I just never really knew what to expect.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: But I just ended up just dealing with it. And
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: that was just my life. When we would get into
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: our fights when he was drinking, he would become handsy
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: with me. He never hit me, but he would become pushy,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: you know, shove me out of the way. There was
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: one night where I was in the bedroom and he
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: came up behind me and he wanted to have sex.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: I obviously did not want to. We just had a
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: fight and he pushed me on the bed and tried
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: to have his way with me. Was not successful. I
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: was only twenty three, and I was thinking, this is
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: my life, this is what my life looks like now,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: that light at the end of the tunnel. I was
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: just constantly caught in a spiral of course rap every
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: single day, and this was just my life now. And
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: no one really knew the extent of everything that was
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: happening at home, because I feel like if I had told, say,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: my family, then for one, I was still trying to
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: protect him. People knew that some things were going down,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: but I wasn't completely honest about everything that was going
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: down because I I was protecting him, and honestly, I
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: just couldn't. I couldn't deal with any added stress or pressure.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: So I just I kept myself. I shut off from
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: the world and just dealt with the drunken cam every
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: single night, and whatever happened just happened. It was his
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Dad's birthday and he gone out drinking. I stayed home
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: because I just didn't feel like going out hadn't been
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: the best time for me. He got home and I
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: was out the back having a tea and a smoke,
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: and he came out and he was drunk, and straight
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: away I was just like, I'm not dealing with this,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: and so I went to bed, and probably a couple
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: hours later, he came to bed as well. He'd been
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: so drunk that night that the next morning his alarm
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: was going off at quarter to six, and he always
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: had his alarm set and I'd always be like nudging
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: him to wake up and turn it off, because he
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: always sucked at waking up to his alarm, But because
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: he'd been so drunk that night before, he just didn't
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: respond to me nudging him. So I grabbed the phone
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: and turned off his alarm. And when I turned off
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: his alarm, his whole entire screen was just full of
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: Tinder notifications. I'm not much of a snoop. I have
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: never been much of a snoop. But I looked, I
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: absolutely did, and I saw absolutely everything that he'd been saying.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I looked at every single message, and I realized that
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: this had been going on for basically the whole relationship,
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: the whole entire time he'd been doing this, My stomach
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: absolutely dropped. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach to
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: read everything that I was reading, to see the photos
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: that he was sending, to see the videos that he
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: was sending to and not just to one person, to
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: multiple people. I just I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, like,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: who is this person? Who is this person that I'm
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: living with? I just it was absolutely disgusting, And I mean,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: it makes sense as to why he was no longer
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: intimate with me anymore, right, he was getting his fixed elsewhere.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: But it was really hard to see that there were
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: lots of photos of him sending his penis to random people,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: videos of him doing that exact thing. I was also
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: could see videos of girls sending him things even if
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: they didn't respond, sort of thing. If some people didn't respond,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: like he was just on it, like he was just like,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: you know, you're so hot, you're beautiful, like I want
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: to get to know you, all this stuff, and if
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: they didn't respond, like he was just one after the other,
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: just sending more and more messages. And I was just like,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: this is absolutely revolting. I was angry, I was hurt,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: but I was just also just disgusted because who is
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: this person. I went to the gym twice that morning,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: just trying to clear my head once again, like okay,
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: so now this is an added thing to this whole thing,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: is the fact that he's being completely unfaithful and god
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: knows what else. And I got back around quarter to
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: twelve and he was still in bed at that time.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: When he got up, I asked to see his phone.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: He was a bit appressive about that to begin with,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: but I demanded to see his phone. And when I
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: looked to his phone again that whole time, that whole morning,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: he had been talking to more people. He did not stop.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: He did not stop. I was absolutely furious. I dropped
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: his phone to the ground and I stumped on it
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: and I smashed his screen, and I was just just
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: out of my mind. I just couldn't believe everything. From
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: going from such a strong close relationship where everything was perfect,
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: everything blowing up and he's now a drunk and he's violent,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: and he's cheating on me every single day, and he
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: is just saying horrendous things to me. He is beating
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: me down every single day, and just to see that
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: he'd been speaking to all of these girls on top
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: of it. But I was just I was absolutely furious.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: Cam apologized and promised he'd never do it again. He
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: gave Rebecca his passwords and said she could check his
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: phone whenever she wanted, and she did, and guess what
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: she found.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: It was just the same thing every single day. As
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: I said, I wasn't ever much of a snoop, but
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: I had to be or he would just constantly try
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: and pull the wool over my eyes. But it got
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: to the point but I would find something every single time.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: It got to the point that I just stopped looking
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: because what's the point. You know, I knew what he
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: was up to. But at that point I was still
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: so beaten down and broken over over everything, more so
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: so my self confidence, my self confidence. I mean I
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: gained thirty kilos at that point. I was no longer myself.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: But I had started pondering leaving at that point, because
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: you kind of get to a point and you're just
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: like what am I doing? Like where is this going?
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: Like I can't keep living like this? And I mean
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: it'd been years, been years of this, Like, I knew
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: what I had to do, but trying to find that
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: strength to actually do it was a completely different ballgame,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: especially when you're so beaten down and you just don't
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: have that energy and you just feel horrible about yourself
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: every day. It's just it's too hard, you know. But
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: by that stage, I was thinking of what I needed
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: to do next, and I was sort of just pondering,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: pondering where I would go, what I would do.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: So at one point Rebecca took matters of self confidence,
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: of wanting and the desire to be seen and respected
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: into her own hands.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: In that time, I'd started going to the gym, and
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I was feeling a bit better about myself, and with
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: everything that he was doing, all the cheating, all the
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: constant crap he was doing, I started to look elsewhere
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: as well. One night, an old flame reached out to
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: me and I ended up just leaving in the middle
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: of the night and met up with this person and
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: we were intimate, And that was the one time I'd
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: done anything like that. I wanted to feel attention, I
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: wanted to feel wanted, and I did. I think that
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: was sort of like the first time that i'd sort
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: of really opened up to maybe going elsewhere, and I
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: did feel wanted at that point, and it felt nice,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: and not only that I got to talk about everything
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: that was going on as well, and it was just
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: it was what I needed at that point. I think
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: that was one of definitely the bigger turning points where
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I realized that I am more than more than what
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: I thought that I was, and that there needs to
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: be a change. When I got home, he woke up
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: as I was coming back to bed and he was like,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: what did you do? And to be honest, I was
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: upfront about it straight away because I kind of also
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: wanted to hurt him as well after everything that he'd done.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: I wanted to stick it to him in that way,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: and I was upfront about it, and I just said that,
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: you know, I went for a drive with an old
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: flame and we had sex, and I was kind of like,
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: it is what it is. And but if I knew
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: what came from that, you know, the way that he
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: blow up, the way that he would hold it against me,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: and the way that he would tell everyone everything like
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: what I'd done and acting like I'm just like the
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: villain in this, I wouldn't have gone with that approach,
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: but I did. At that point, I was so I
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: was getting so over everything. I wasn't scared. I kind
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: of felt it was honestly a little bit satisfying at
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: that point because the amount of turmoil and the amount
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: of hurt that I'd felt, I was kind of like,
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: suck shit, you know, like this is what you get.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: It felt good that somebody else wanted me, and it
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: felt good that I was able to tell him that
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: somebody else did.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: To be honest, Cam punished her for this verbally and
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: emotionally almost every day in any way he could. Then
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: it all came to a head one night when they
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: were out with friends and things escalated to a point
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: Rebecca never imagined.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: He was sitting next to me and his phone lit up,
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: and it was a girl that he had spoken to
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: earlier on in the relationship, one of those ones that
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: you just know straightaway that they're someone you know, even
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: though he's like, no, no, it's nothing, it's nothing like,
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: as a woman, we just know these things. She popped
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: up and he'd been deleting her messages, and basically because
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: he'd been drinking. As soon as I saw the message,
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I just looked at him, and I was like, are
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: you kidding me? And he just blew up and he
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: was just like, I did nothing wrong. You know, you're
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: just being sensitive, You're being dramatic. I did nothing wrong,
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And I was just like I'm not
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: doing this here, like there are people around. I'm like,
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing this here, Like let's go home, And
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: so we decided to leave. On the way back to
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: driving home, he was basically yelling at me and he
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: drove to the lake and he literally drove straight into
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: the car park and he mounted just like accelerated into
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: the gutter of the car park. I like smacked his chest.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know if
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: he was going to keep driving. I didn't know what
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: was going on. But I like slammed my fist onto
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: his chest sort of thing, and it made him like
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: stop the car. He got out in this like fit
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: of rage, and he threw my keys like really far.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: I quickly hopped over to the driver's side and I
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: locked the doors, and he was at the window and
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: he was like banging on the window and he was
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: just like open, open the doors, Open the doors. I
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: was like no, and he was just escalating, was escalating,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: and then he went to go find way through the
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: keys and he eventually found them, and he kept unlocking
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: the car and I kept locking the door again, and
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: this was going back and forth, and I knew at
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: one point that he was going to unlock it and
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: open the door, and that last time that he did
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: unlock it, he opened the door and I just like
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: threw myself out of the car and like pushed him
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: out of the way before anything happened sort of thing.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: He was so angry and so like I pushed him
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: out of the way and basically he just started yelling
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: at me, and he was like, fuck this. I'm walking
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: home and he just started yelling at me and he
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: was saying, you over dramatic. Fuck I did nothing wrong.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: Then he was like yelling at It was like it
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: was like one am or two am, and he was
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: just like, you know, call the police, call your dad,
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: tell him I beach you. But the cops aren't the
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: ones you're gonna need. It's gonna be the ambulance because
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go fucking neck myself. And basically he just
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: like stormed off with the keys. So I called the
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: family friend, and I was just in like a panic,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: and I was just like, you know, can you come
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: pick me up. Cam's gone home and he's going to
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: do something. And so the family friend came and picked
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: me up and we drove back to the house. I
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: got out of the car and I ran up the driveway.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: I couldn't lift myself up, but I jumped up and
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: I could see that the garage light because up the
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: driveway was the garage, and I could see over the
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: fence that the garage light was on, but the roller
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: door was closed, and I signaled for my family friend
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: to lift me up so I could jump over the fence,
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: and he did. He helped me up, and I leapt
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: over the fence and running up that driveway, I didn't
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: know what I was going to find. So many things
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: just flashed through my mind. And I opened the roller
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: door and he was on the ground, crying, with a
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: noose around his neck, and he was just bawling his
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: eyes out, and at that point I'd already called the ambulance.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: So the ambulance and the police arrived. They ended up
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: taking him back to the hospital. I didn't speak to
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: the paramedics, but I spoke with the police. They were
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: interested to hear my side of the story as to
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: what's happened sort of thing and what went on. I
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: told them everything, and they asked if I wanted to
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: press charges, and I said no because they said that
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: it was domestic violence, and I said no, I wasn't
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: going to And basically they said that they put a
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: mark against his name just in case in the future
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: if I wanted to report anything. But that was that. Really,
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: After that night, it changed a lot for me. I mean,
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: I felt so many different things. I mean, I felt
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: more inclined to stay because I felt like I couldn't leave.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: I was scared of what he would do, and I
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: last thing that I needed and wanted that point was
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: to be responsible for something like that. But then also
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: at the same time, I mean, I was so over
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: it at that point, there was so like it was
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: just I was so numb to it. But then I
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: also cared. At the same point, I felt like I
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: couldn't leave. Then it made me want to leave even more.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't know where to go. I didn't I didn't
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: know what to do. At that point. This rollercoaster and
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: this numbness went on for years. This was just my
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: life every single day. And as time progressed, we started
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: both getting into drugs. It started with just weed every
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: night sort of thing, and then it led onto cocaine.
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: But I felt like in those times we had the
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: more real conversations when we'd be on it, so it
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: was more of like it was a way to communicate,
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: really a way to break through, because we just weren't
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: communicating anymore, and when we were on those substances, we
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: actually we actually had real conversations. And it was at
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: that point one night we had done the drugs that
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: we were in bed and I was just looking at
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: him and I just I saw his whole face just change.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: And at that moment, like I just felt like with
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: everything that was going on and how how close and
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: solid we were for so long, Like I just I'd
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: done so much research and so much like looking into
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: everything and just trying to work out where did this
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: go wrong? What is happening? Why are we doing constant
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: one eighties? Why are we always going back and forth?
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: And that night I just looked at him and his
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: face completely just changed, and I just it's like I
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: just saw it, and I was like, Camp, are you gay,
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: and he just like he broke down and he was
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: just like, I don't know. It was just like all
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: the pieces just fit. It was like that missing puzzle
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: piece that I was trying to search for for so
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: many years, and it just I found it. You know.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: It all made sense as to why he'd been so
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: unhappy and why he was drinking so much, and why
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: he was saying that he wasn't attracted to me. And
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, I wish that he'd been honest about it,
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: but I also understood as to you know, that was
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: hard for him to say that. It was hard for
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: him to admit that. So I was able to find
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: that place where I was like, Okay, it's been an
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: absolute rollercoaster, but like I hear you and I see you.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: I'd already given up hope with our relationship. Our relationship
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: was it was south. I thought maybe if he just
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: at least hang on to a friendship, if I could
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: at least still be me and be supportive and because
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's who I am at the end of
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: the day, and I could empathize. You know, maybe he's
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: just been keeping this massive secret, you know, of his sexuality,
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: and maybe that's why everything blew up, and I could
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: understand that, you know, and it's like, if I had
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: to be that person that was essentially the punching bag
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: for it, then then okay, like I made peace with it.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: This is never something that I had considered before. After
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: he told me, it was like this weight had been
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: lifted off his shoulders, you know, like things actually improved
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: by me being that supportive well friend at that time,
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: things improved. His mental health seemed to improve, you know,
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: like the drinking decreased. You know, we weren't doing the
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: drugs anymore. He was being very open with me, very
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: very open with me, more than I'd ever want to
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: know or hear or see. But I still had to
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: take that approach of being supportive, so I didn't say anything,
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: and I just I was thankful for the fact that
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: he was being honest with me and open with me.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: So that was something that we hadn't had for a
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: really long time. It helped me in the sense of
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: realizing that it was never me and it was really
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: that closure that I needed in order for me to
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: move forward with my life and really make some real
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: gain plan as to how I was going to move forward.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: But yeah, what do you do with something like that,
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: you know, the person that you thought was a love
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: of your life out to be gay. After that, I
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: really started to put things in place as to you know,
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: searching for a house, and we were really having those
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: conversations of me moving out or we went back and forth.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: He was going to move out, then I was going
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: to move out. So we were sort of going through
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: that whole process. But during that process a spanner was
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: thrown into the works. I found out that I was pregnant.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: I remember just when I took that pregnancy test. I
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: remember just screaming because I was I can't deal with
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: this right now. I can't. There was a point in
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: our relationship earlier on where we were actually trying for
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: a baby, which was when things were still going well
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: and we were trying for a baby and it just
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: wasn't happening, and I went to the doctors and it
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: was just there was something like unexplained infertility. You know,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: I'd had tests done and I just wasn't ovulating, and
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: so there were all these things that we were trying,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: it just wasn't happening, and I was pregnant, and after
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: three years it had happened and it would just had
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: come at the complete wrong time. So the way that
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: I told him, he got home from work and I
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: had already sort of had my breakdown moment, freak out
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: moment about it, and I decided I wanted to keep
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: the baby. I mean, I'd wanted a baby for years,
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: So I decided to keep the baby. And when he
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: got home from work, I had my bluetooth speaker and
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: I played that songly you have My Baby what one
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: of those things, and he was like just sort of
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: like listening, and he was just like wait, what And
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I'm pregnant, and because at that point,
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: like I mean, yeah, the whole sexuality thing had come out.
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: But I felt like, okay, like maybe we could do
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: this and not be like together together, not in that way,
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: like I felt like we were a lot better. And
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: initially he was like, okay, you know, like we can
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: do this, and he felt like okay, Like it just
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: he gave him even more of a push to get
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: his life back on track and everything, because you know,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: he was going to be a father and we were
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: just talking about that we could do this, like not together,
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: but we could both be in the child's life. I
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: mean like we could be great parents without actually being together.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: And that lasted I think a whole six hours. He
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: flipped script and basically was like, you know, we can't
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: do this, and he pushed me towards terminating the pregnancy,
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: and I went back and forth on that many times.
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: I that was a really hard time. I felt like
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: mentally I wasn't ready to do this on my own
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: because I felt like what he was saying that basically
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: like I would be on my own with this, and
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: I was not strong enough to do this on my own.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: Weeks went by and I just went back and forth
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: and what to do, what to do, and I decided
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: to terminate the pregnancy, and I was absolutely just draught
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: out of everything that had happened in the relationship. That
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: was the biggest thing. And it still stays with me
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: today because I mean, for the first time, even though
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: I felt that I wasn't ready to be a mother
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: at that point, for the first time, I felt like
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: I wasn't alone because everything that had been going on
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: in the relationship, I kept it to myself, no one
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: really knew anything, and it felt like for the first
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: time I wasn't alone, and I would lay in bed
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: and I'd be just like put my hand on my stomach,
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: just like talking. That was my baby, you know. After that,
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: I felt there was just a massive turning point. I
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: couldn't forgive him anymore. I was done. I was so done.
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, this man had cheated on me, He'd been violent,
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: he'd been a drunk, he had said horrendous things to me.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: I had changed so much about myself. I had just
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: bent over backwards, and I had just put up with
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: so much stuff, constant cheating, the constant agony, the constant
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: roller coaster. I was thirty kilos heavier, I was losing.
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: I was just completely lost myself. I realized that I
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: can't keep doing this. I'm constantly stuck in this constant
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: cycle that I can't get out of. And like, I'm done.
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: I can't keep doing this. I need to move on
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: with my life. For as long as he's in my life.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: I can't move on. For as long as I keep
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: doing this, I'm never gonna heal for as long as
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: you know, I keep getting caught in this, like, like,
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: where is my life going? So I decided to sell
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: my house and I moved back home. I realized just
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: how I was just staying in this space that was
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: just holding me back, and so that that decision to
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: move back home, back to where I grew up was
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: actually easy. I was just in go mode. I I
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: just packed all my stuff, I got my house on
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: the market, I sold my house, and I just I
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: just left and that was it. It was hard. I
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: think my life had been so chaotic. There'd been so
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: much going on for so many years, like moving out
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: and just being in silence and just living alone. It
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: was hard, but it was all that we knew. We
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: knew like just each other, and we'd just been through
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: so much together and it had just been such turmoil.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: He was he was battling something bigger than this, you know.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: I still to this day will not say that that
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: he's a bad person. He's not tortured soul. Maybe the
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: last time I spoke to Cam was probably about six
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: seven months ago. He checked in just sort of message
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: and we had a FaceTime just a couple just to
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: sort of like check in and see like how we're
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: going and stuff. Because like, even though I know telling
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: the story it sounds so bad, but there were also
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: like he is a person and he's not a bad person.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: He's a tortured soul and he's just been through a lot.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: He ended up being diagnosed with borderline person disorder, so
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: which made a lot of sense with all the flip
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: flopping around. And I honestly, after speaking to him, I
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: mean I hadn't spoken to him in so long. After
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: speaking to him, I just felt completely drained and I
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: from that moment, I'm like, I can't keep this person
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: in my life at all. He'd reached out again, he
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: wanted to catch up again, and I just never responded.
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: I hope that he's happy. I just hope that he's
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: happy and that he he's true to himself. I don't
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: know where he is on his journey. I don't know
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: where he is in regards to being true to his sexuality.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know where he is in his journey right now,
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: But I just hope that he's happy. When I moved
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: back to where I grew up, everything just changed. I
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: ended up losing thirty three kilos. I was back to
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: feeling good about myself. I felt stronger. Where I moved to,
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: there was just like like it backs onto, like a reserve,
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: and it was just all like the nature. And I'd
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: just sit out there with my copper cup of tea
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: or a cup of coffee, and I just listened to the
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: birds and I just be like, look at where I am,
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: you know, like it was just such an amazing part
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: of my healing journey. It was just part of it.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: And then I just I ended up scoring an amazing job,
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: and everything in my life just started just started falling
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: into place. And then I met my current partner now
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: when he's just everything and more. He shows up for
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: me every single day. He's absolutely amazing, and I feel
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: stronger for everything that I've been through. I do not
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: regret a single thing because it makes me who I
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: am today. I'm stronger for it. I feel like I
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: had to start from the ground up. I walked into
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: that relationship feeling confident. I got beaten down to the ground.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: Every part of me was just destroyed and I had
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: to rebuild myself from the ground up, And even though
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: it was really hard and painful and horrendous, Like, I
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: don't regret a single moment because who I am today
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: is so much stronger, and like I have boundaries now,
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: I am aware, I am confident in who I am.
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: I don't put up with that stuff anymore. I don't
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: anything I am, and since then my life has improved
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: so much. You know, I only bring in all these
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: beautiful people into my life now. I don't have time
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: for those energy vampires. I don't have time for anyone
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: who is negative or brings me down. I am strong
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: in who I am, and I wouldn't be if it
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: wasn't for all those times I learned what I need,
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: what I need for me, not just out of a relationship,
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: but who I am. I think I didn't even know
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: who I was properly before all of that. Building yourself
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: from the ground up really teaches you a lot about yourself.
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: And I'm proud of who I am, and I'm proud
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: of how far I've come, and I'm happy. I'm happy
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: now and I don't regret anything. The truth is that
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: there is that light at the end of the time,
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: and it really does come. And I just think that
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: you just need to keep going because time doesn't stop
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: for anyone. Life doesn't stop, It never stops. It just
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: keeps going, and everything always balances out. And no matter
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: how hard things feel and how hard things are, life
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: really does improve. It really does.
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: Everyone has an ex is a Minti Media production and
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: If you like We've Heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe,
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can
• 52:05
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• 52:08
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• 52:10
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• 52:13
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• 52:17
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