Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #560 Parenting Myths - Part 3

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#560 Parenting Myths - Part 3 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, it's not because your teenager is dumb. And let's
0:14
Speaker 2: not say that the brain is not sufficiently developed. It's
0:17
Speaker 2: not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped. There's too much
0:20
Speaker 2: going on up there in the brain. And you know what,
0:22
Speaker 2: they only just stop things when they're around their friends.
0:25
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:28
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:29
Speaker 2: Hello, it's doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families
0:32
Speaker 2: dot com dot au. I'm laughing because, well, I'm being criticized.
0:38
Speaker 2: I'm not sitting up straight and tall. I'm slouching in
0:41
Speaker 2: my seat. Missus Happy Families has just walked into the room,
0:45
Speaker 2: left the door open. I've got the heater on. It's
0:47
Speaker 2: so cold. I hate winter. Come and tell you how
0:50
Speaker 2: much I hate winter.
0:51
Speaker 3: Jr. Bring on the violins.
0:56
Speaker 2: I can't believe you're doing this. You're sitting there in
0:58
Speaker 2: a T shirt. It doesn't make make sense to me, Kylie.
1:01
Speaker 2: This week we've had some conversations about parenting myths. I
1:05
Speaker 2: think they've been really great conversations. Yesterday, in an amazing
1:07
Speaker 2: discussion with James Anderson about growth, mindset ideas and how
1:11
Speaker 2: we've got these myths in our heads about how our
1:12
Speaker 2: brains work. Today, we don't have time for anything except
1:16
Speaker 2: to get straight into the myths. We have four of
1:17
Speaker 2: them that we're supposed to talk about in this podcast,
1:20
Speaker 2: and they're all absolute crackers. So myth number one that
1:24
Speaker 2: we should.
1:25
Speaker 3: Be able to continue doing all of the things that
1:27
Speaker 3: we did before children after we have them.
1:31
Speaker 2: That's going to make some parents laugh straight away because
1:33
Speaker 2: they know it's not true. Except I think when we
1:35
Speaker 2: had our first baby, other than the fact that it
1:38
Speaker 2: took a whole lot longer to get in the car
1:40
Speaker 2: and get going because of nappies and nappy bags and
1:43
Speaker 2: all the prep, I don't think that our lives did
1:46
Speaker 2: our lives change enormously with baby number one.
1:48
Speaker 3: No, I don't think they did. And even with baby
1:50
Speaker 3: number two, we had a three year gap between baby
1:53
Speaker 3: one and baby two, so I feel like, you know,
1:56
Speaker 3: we kind of got into a good rhythm and we
1:59
Speaker 3: were able to kind of function, But baby number three
2:02
Speaker 3: was a game changer.
2:04
Speaker 2: Before we get to baby number three, though, I've got
2:05
Speaker 2: to question the premise of this whole thing, like there
2:07
Speaker 2: is an idea that we should be able to do
2:09
Speaker 2: all the things that we were doing before we had
2:10
Speaker 2: a baby. Everyone knows that's not true, and yet we
2:12
Speaker 2: still try to do it. But why, Like when you
2:14
Speaker 2: have a baby, you don't have a baby so that
2:16
Speaker 2: life can stay the same, or do you?
2:18
Speaker 3: I think for me, and I can only speak for
2:21
Speaker 3: me personally. When I gave birth, I became a mother,
2:26
Speaker 3: but I also a daughter and a wife and a
2:30
Speaker 3: person who has interests that take me out of the home.
2:35
Speaker 3: For some of us, we are employees or we're an employer,
2:39
Speaker 3: and when we add mother to our list in some ways,
2:45
Speaker 3: it actually is all encompassing and takes in all of
2:50
Speaker 3: those other roles. And sometimes we find ourselves kind of
2:55
Speaker 3: wondering who we are because we lose a lot of
2:57
Speaker 3: those other interests as a result of the magnitude of
3:05
Speaker 3: responsibility that's placed on our shoulders. As a parent, I
3:07
Speaker 3: get where.
3:07
Speaker 2: You're going with that, and it makes sense, I guess
3:10
Speaker 2: from an identity point of view, I do, but from
3:12
Speaker 2: an efficiency point of view, like you don't have children
3:15
Speaker 2: and expect that life will be efficient and that you're
3:17
Speaker 2: going to be able to get things done easily.
3:20
Speaker 3: I think that in theory we understand that life is
3:23
Speaker 3: going to change, but I think that on the ground practical, yeah,
3:29
Speaker 3: I guess.
3:29
Speaker 2: I mean, you don't holiday the same way with kids
3:31
Speaker 2: that you do without as soon.
3:32
Speaker 3: As you have I don't think you ever realize just
3:36
Speaker 3: how life changing you don't have a child will be.
3:38
Speaker 2: You don't breakfast the way that you did, you don't
3:40
Speaker 2: sleep the way that you did, you don't eat prepare food.
3:43
Speaker 2: You're right, you don't do anything the way that you did,
3:45
Speaker 2: But it's not until you have the baby that you
3:46
Speaker 2: realize just how much it is.
3:48
Speaker 3: And depending on your child's temperament, the challenges that that
3:51
Speaker 3: might arise as a result of, you know, feeding challenges
3:54
Speaker 3: or sleep challenges like it. Just there are so many
3:58
Speaker 3: varied possibilities.
4:00
Speaker 2: So so the myth is that we should be able
4:01
Speaker 2: to do the kinds of things that we did before
4:04
Speaker 2: babies when we do have babies. But you just you can't.
4:09
Speaker 2: Not if you want to give yourself to the.
4:11
Speaker 3: Road for a time, you can, probably.
4:13
Speaker 2: But not if you want to give yourself to the
4:14
Speaker 2: role fully, not when you're sleep disturbed and all those
4:18
Speaker 2: kinds of things, unless you're bringing in outside help, Unless
4:20
Speaker 2: you're going to ignore some of the very significant and
4:23
Speaker 2: real needs of your child or delegate them to somebody else.
4:27
Speaker 2: If you're going to be the primary career of your child,
4:29
Speaker 2: or one of the primary careers of your child, then
4:31
Speaker 2: your life is going to change. And it's a myth
4:34
Speaker 2: that you shouldn't expect that people who say no, no,
4:37
Speaker 2: We're going to do it all on a routine. It's
4:38
Speaker 2: all going to work out, and I'm going to be
4:39
Speaker 2: able to do all the stuff that I did. Just
4:42
Speaker 2: it's not realistic, is it.
4:43
Speaker 3: It really isn't. And I think that as a mum
4:46
Speaker 3: of three children, having gone through baby number one, baby
4:49
Speaker 3: number two and feeling like not much changed and then
4:52
Speaker 3: recognizing that all of a sudden I was completely incapacitated.
4:58
Speaker 3: I actually stopped being able to do any think for
5:00
Speaker 3: a time because I pretty much had a mental breakdown.
5:02
Speaker 3: It was so intense. And I've watched mums over and
5:06
Speaker 3: over again go through the same process, desperately trying to
5:10
Speaker 3: kind of keep their identity of who they were before
5:13
Speaker 3: while adding this full time job to an already full
5:17
Speaker 3: time life and falling to pieces. And I just wish
5:22
Speaker 3: that we understood that it's okay for things to change,
5:25
Speaker 3: and just because they're changing doesn't make them better or worse,
5:28
Speaker 3: it just is. Well.
5:29
Speaker 2: I guess that kind of leads into the next myth
5:31
Speaker 2: that we want to discuss, and we'll probably do it
5:33
Speaker 2: fairly briefly because there's not a lot more to add
5:35
Speaker 2: to what we've already said. But the myth that when
5:38
Speaker 2: you have kids, they just need to follow your routine,
5:40
Speaker 2: they need to fit in with your life. There's a
5:42
Speaker 2: myth that you can actually get your kids to fit
5:44
Speaker 2: in with your life.
5:45
Speaker 3: Yep, And I.
5:46
Speaker 2: Think we can pop that straight away, because kids aren't
5:49
Speaker 2: interested in your life and they're not interested an that
5:52
Speaker 2: when you try to get them to do that, it
5:54
Speaker 2: requires something that I don't think. I think it's superhuman
5:57
Speaker 2: and not natural.
5:58
Speaker 3: Look, putting a disclaimer, it took me six children to
6:01
Speaker 3: actually learn this. I've had so many parents over the
6:04
Speaker 3: years just say let your baby sleep, and it's like, well, no, actually,
6:07
Speaker 3: I've got to go and do the groceries and I've
6:09
Speaker 3: got to do this, and you just get them up
6:10
Speaker 3: and you take them out and you do what you've
6:12
Speaker 3: got to do. And it wasn't until baby number six
6:15
Speaker 3: that I realized if I just let her sleep and
6:18
Speaker 3: do what I need to do in her wake time,
6:20
Speaker 3: my whole world changed. It was a completely different process.
6:24
Speaker 3: She was a calmer baby, I was a calmer mum,
6:27
Speaker 3: And while I didn't have the high energy impact life
6:31
Speaker 3: that I had been living beforehand, it actually was such
6:35
Speaker 3: a beautiful time to rejuvenate.
6:37
Speaker 2: It's kind of a little advertisement for slow parenting. Yeah,
6:41
Speaker 2: because we're not slow people. We never slowed down, but
6:44
Speaker 2: when we did have our little baby girl, Emily, our
6:47
Speaker 2: last one, we've definitely or you definitely slowed down. I
6:52
Speaker 2: don't know how to do that, but you definitely slowed
6:54
Speaker 2: down and it made a difference. So myth number one
6:57
Speaker 2: that we should be able to do everything that we
6:59
Speaker 2: did before once kids come along just not realistic, and
7:03
Speaker 2: we need to accept that there are limitations and boundaries
7:07
Speaker 2: on how far we can go, what we can do,
7:09
Speaker 2: and how it's all going to work, at least until
7:12
Speaker 2: they get a lot older and they start to function
7:15
Speaker 2: a lot more like adults. And when I say a
7:17
Speaker 2: lot older, I'm not talking four or five or six
7:19
Speaker 2: or even seven. I'm talking twelve, thirteen, fourteen, And they
7:23
Speaker 2: still interrupt your life in all kinds of crazy ways
7:25
Speaker 2: and the second idea that kids should follow our routine.
7:29
Speaker 2: It's just not going to happen after the break. Two
7:32
Speaker 2: myths that I can't wait to talk about. The first
7:35
Speaker 2: one that it should be easy to love your kids,
7:37
Speaker 2: and then the myth that all teens and that cases.
7:45
Speaker 2: Your daughter just walked by, eyes glued to her phone,
7:48
Speaker 2: expression unreadable. You ask her to put it down, but
7:51
Speaker 2: she balks. You know it's not good for her, but
7:54
Speaker 2: you're not sure why or how to support better choices.
7:58
Speaker 2: In the webinar pixel perfect, I joined with psychologists and
8:01
Speaker 2: teen tech expert Jocelyn Brewer to discuss how to set
8:05
Speaker 2: screen boundaries that work for you and your daughter. Check
8:08
Speaker 2: out pixel Perfect now on the Happy Families webshop.
8:12
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time
8:14
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And I'm wondering,
8:17
Speaker 3: has it been easy to love our kids?
8:21
Speaker 1: Yes?
8:22
Speaker 2: Yes for me? For me, it has. But I didn't
8:25
Speaker 2: love them the instant that I met them.
8:28
Speaker 3: In every case they're squishy face. It wasn't.
8:33
Speaker 2: It wasn't that I distinctly remember it. With baby number one.
8:35
Speaker 2: I mean, things got easier with subsequent children, I kind
8:37
Speaker 2: of understood the role of father a lot more. But
8:40
Speaker 2: with baby number one, I've read stories about how when
8:43
Speaker 2: a dad holds his baby for the first time or
8:46
Speaker 2: sees that birth for the first time, and he just
8:48
Speaker 2: changes him forever. He knows that things are different now.
8:52
Speaker 2: And yet with baby number one, and even with baby
8:54
Speaker 2: number two, I remember I was actually pretty keen to
8:56
Speaker 2: get back to work. It's like, Okay, well, I've stayed
8:58
Speaker 2: up all night, I've supported you, but I'm just going
9:01
Speaker 2: to get back to life now. And I know that
9:04
Speaker 2: you're going to be at home and have to do
9:06
Speaker 2: whatever you've got to do as mum, but I've got
9:07
Speaker 2: stuff to do. It didn't really change me at all.
9:09
Speaker 2: And it took me time to get used to having
9:11
Speaker 2: this other body, this other human in our space, in
9:15
Speaker 2: our home.
9:15
Speaker 3: Or even sharing that other body with me.
9:18
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, and not being able to get access
9:20
Speaker 2: to you and you being exhaust and all that kind
9:22
Speaker 2: of thing. And I'm not even talking about anything sort
9:24
Speaker 2: of romantic or intimately. I'm just I just mean being
9:27
Speaker 2: able to be in our partnership together, in our marriage together.
9:33
Speaker 2: It took ages for me to really feel like, ah,
9:35
Speaker 2: this is my daughter. This is our daughter, but she's
9:38
Speaker 2: also my daughter, and I'm crazy about her. I was
9:41
Speaker 2: not crazy about our kids initially when they came on,
9:45
Speaker 2: Certainly the first couple. I got better and better at
9:46
Speaker 2: it over time, but I still found them an impediment,
9:50
Speaker 2: an annoyance. I found them frustrating. It's only been the
9:53
Speaker 2: last couple of kids that I've absolutely cherished and embraced
9:57
Speaker 2: it all and loved them from the minute I met them.
10:00
Speaker 2: Not probably the last three kids. First three not so much.
10:04
Speaker 2: And I don't know if it's because it's who I am,
10:06
Speaker 2: or if it's a process that we all go through
10:08
Speaker 2: as parents, But having more kids has been the best
10:11
Speaker 2: thing for me in terms of learning how to love
10:13
Speaker 2: them and embrace them and cherish them.
10:15
Speaker 3: What about you, I think for me, having gone through
10:19
Speaker 3: the physical changes that take place as you actually grow
10:22
Speaker 3: a child, there's instant love and as soon as that
10:28
Speaker 3: baby's placed on my chest, there's just this is mine.
10:33
Speaker 2: And I've watched that happen with you.
10:35
Speaker 3: Yeah. I remember the two that sent out to me
10:38
Speaker 3: the most number of baby number one she I was
10:42
Speaker 3: so tiny back then, and she was micheline Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
10:46
Speaker 3: And I literally looked at her and looked at my
10:48
Speaker 3: little body and couldn't worked out where she'd come from
10:51
Speaker 3: because she was she took up. I couldn't even roll
10:54
Speaker 3: her into a ball to fit her again in the
10:57
Speaker 3: space where she should have been. Like. It was just amazing,
11:01
Speaker 3: And I don't think I really slept for five days
11:04
Speaker 3: straight because I just couldn't take my eyes off her.
11:07
Speaker 3: It was the most amazing experience. And then going through
11:11
Speaker 3: a completely different experience with baby number five and having
11:14
Speaker 3: a caesarean emergency caesar, and having this being placed on me,
11:22
Speaker 3: but not actually understanding where she'd really come from because
11:24
Speaker 3: I hadn't gone through the process that I had with
11:27
Speaker 3: the previous four, And so she was probably the one
11:30
Speaker 3: that I struggled to kind of just connect with the most,
11:32
Speaker 3: just in that initial stage. But I was really grateful
11:35
Speaker 3: I had a beautiful midwife and she just refused to
11:37
Speaker 3: let that baby leave my side, And so for three
11:39
Speaker 3: hours while I waited in recovery, she was on my.
11:41
Speaker 2: Chest so important.
11:42
Speaker 3: So it was, and so by the end of that
11:45
Speaker 3: time there was that deep connection, But that initial kind
11:48
Speaker 3: of was very alien, Like.
11:51
Speaker 2: I remember having a conversation with a mum quite a
11:54
Speaker 2: number of years ago who said that she had a
11:56
Speaker 2: seven year old her eldest child of three. She said
11:59
Speaker 2: she really loved and connected with and found the children
12:02
Speaker 2: number two and three absolutely the light of her life,
12:05
Speaker 2: but she felt like she'd never connected with child number one,
12:07
Speaker 2: just never connected. And we see this stuff, whether it's
12:11
Speaker 2: with postnality depression or whether it's just temperaments and individual differences.
12:16
Speaker 2: But if you're a parent who doesn't feel like you're
12:18
Speaker 2: connecting with your child, please understand it is a myth
12:21
Speaker 2: that you should connect with your child, especially from the
12:24
Speaker 2: very instant. Sometimes these connections take time to grow, sometimes
12:27
Speaker 2: they require especially interventions. Sometimes connections are just stronger with
12:32
Speaker 2: some individuals than with others. And it's a myth that
12:35
Speaker 2: because your blood, yeah, that it's going to be easy
12:38
Speaker 2: to love your kids. I mean, one of our children
12:41
Speaker 2: right now for me, is particularly not easy to love that.
12:43
Speaker 2: I'm the parenting expert on the parenting podcast saying that
12:45
Speaker 2: I'm struggling to love one of our kids.
12:47
Speaker 3: But I don't just love.
12:49
Speaker 2: I think, well, well, I love her and cherish it deeply,
12:52
Speaker 2: but I'm really struggling with her.
12:53
Speaker 3: I don't know, and I agree, Jo, because she's.
12:56
Speaker 2: So obstinate and it's dishonest, and there are so many
13:01
Speaker 2: things going on with this kid right now which only
13:04
Speaker 2: requires more of us. It's not a reason to turn
13:06
Speaker 2: away from her.
13:07
Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just read a friend put a post
13:09
Speaker 3: up today and she just acknowledged that with her youngest,
13:12
Speaker 3: she feels like, unless she's rewriting history, she has never
13:16
Speaker 3: connected with a child as much as she's connected with
13:18
Speaker 3: this one. And then, just as she kind of has
13:21
Speaker 3: thought about it a bit more deeply, she said, I
13:23
Speaker 3: wonder if it's because she's the child that's challenged me
13:26
Speaker 3: the most. She's the one that's actually I've had to
13:28
Speaker 3: work so hard to understand her. And then the acknowledgment
13:34
Speaker 3: that isn't that what all relationships should be like? The
13:36
Speaker 3: more energy we put into them, the greater the outcome
13:40
Speaker 3: and the benefit of that.
13:42
Speaker 2: So that's what's remarkable. The more you put in, even
13:45
Speaker 2: if you're not getting anything back from them, that does
13:48
Speaker 2: something to you. It changes your heart.
13:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's about turning towards your child.
13:53
Speaker 2: Beautiful all right. The last myth, We've only got a
13:55
Speaker 2: minute for it because our time is running out. Teens
13:58
Speaker 2: are stupid is the final myth, and I just I
14:01
Speaker 2: did a webinarch. I'm sure that's not true, a webinar
14:03
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks ago. I have to have to
14:05
Speaker 2: pop this myth. If you're a parent of a teenager
14:07
Speaker 2: who is doing things that do not make sense, things
14:09
Speaker 2: that are unwise, unsafe, unhealthy, it's not because your teenager
14:13
Speaker 2: is dumb. And let's not say that the brain is
14:17
Speaker 2: not sufficiently developed. It's not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped.
14:21
Speaker 2: There's too much going on up there in the brain.
14:23
Speaker 2: And you know what, they only do stupid things when
14:25
Speaker 2: they're around their friends. And not all teens do this.
14:28
Speaker 2: Like when you look at the statistics, most teens get
14:31
Speaker 2: through their adolescent years relatively unscathed, without doing anything particularly crazy,
14:35
Speaker 2: anything breathtakingly harmful. Most teens manage to get through their
14:39
Speaker 2: adolescent years in pretty safe, pretty healthy, reasonably wise ways.
14:43
Speaker 2: And in fact, research shows that adolescents, so long as
14:46
Speaker 2: they're not hanging out with dumb friends, adolescents are just
14:50
Speaker 2: as intelligent as adults and are just as capable of
14:54
Speaker 2: putting together strong rational arguments or reasons for or against something.
15:00
Speaker 3: So I think for me, I would actually be more
15:02
Speaker 3: concerned if my kids weren't pushing against the boundaries, if
15:05
Speaker 3: they weren't kind of trying things. And I just I
15:12
Speaker 3: love the energy that our teenagers have and love I
15:16
Speaker 3: love that they're able to live life without fear. You know,
15:21
Speaker 3: as an adult, you become so much more concerned and
15:26
Speaker 3: risk averse, and we don't take those big jumps and
15:30
Speaker 3: leaps in life that youth often will not because they're
15:34
Speaker 3: being negligent or it's kind of like, if I jump,
15:39
Speaker 3: what's the worst thing that can happen? I fall on
15:42
Speaker 3: my bum and I get back up. They don't metaphorically
15:45
Speaker 3: speaking of, they don't see all of the pitfalls that
15:49
Speaker 3: could possibly happen. That experience and maturity often make us
15:54
Speaker 3: focus on.
15:55
Speaker 2: More and in it typically developing healthy psychologically healthy lessen.
16:00
Speaker 2: You're exactly right. We're seeing an increase in mental health
16:04
Speaker 2: issues for young people, which reduces the joy and the
16:08
Speaker 2: spark and the energy and all those things that you're describing,
16:10
Speaker 2: but in normal circumstances, In typical circumstances, you're absolutely right.
16:15
Speaker 2: So there are four myths to bust. That means we've busted.
16:18
Speaker 2: I think what eight myths this week about parenting. I
16:21
Speaker 2: hope you've really enjoyed the conversation and if you can
16:24
Speaker 2: think of any other myths that need to be discussed,
16:26
Speaker 2: maybe even need to be busted, we'd love for you
16:28
Speaker 2: to let us know. Podcasts at Happy families dot com
16:32
Speaker 2: dot AU Tomorrow It's our I'll Do Better Tomorrow episode.
16:37
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
16:39
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We love
16:43
Speaker 2: so much that you choose to spend your time with
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Speaker 2: us each day listening to the Happy Families Podcast. We
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17:03
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17:07
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