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Things No One Tells You About Marriage · Obnoxiously Pleasant

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of Obnoxiously Pleasant.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: What are we talking about today, Lena?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage and the things no one tells you about.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wish there was a book.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's just like a guide, like a person's guide to what happens when you live with somebody else.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You choose to live with someone else forever.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um But you, you, we could, we you and I could write a book.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, how many years have you been married?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Almost 18.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: 18.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I beat you.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I met Lena, when we were in college, Lena was already married.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Perspective here.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm just like, I'm not that old.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I just got married married really young.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not gonna talk about that.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: 24 years.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: It hasn't been 24 years, yeah.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Summertime, inshallah.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, anyway, the first thing, the first thing no one tells you about is that marriage is not always 50-50.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, it is not always 50-50.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and but let's let's say explain why I was gonna say, let's explain what we mean by when we say marriage is not 50-50.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, sometimes you, like one person in a relationship is putting more effort than the other.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And vice versa.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like it depends, you know, like it's not always, it's not always the same.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um But can you give everyone an example of what you mean by like somebody putting in more effort?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I have a great example.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, give me an example.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nobody tells you that you might just be the person making dinner every night.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like that might become your own.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: You always talk about dinner.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You always, you're like like upset about that.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm upset about dinner, guys.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, but no, seriously.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: But like nobody tells it's weird, right?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we all end up with these roles that we may not have like seen for ourselves.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of why I'm bitter about dinner.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not bitter.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I make good dinner and everything every day, but like it's just a responsibility that I never thought that it would be my responsibility every single day of my life.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: But and sometimes you don't want to do it, you don't feel like it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of times I don't feel like it.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I'm okay with making dinner, but like, yeah, I mean, we all have those moments for sure.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, number two.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh a great marriage isn't conflict uh free.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if someone tells you they never argue, I think they're full of crap.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're I think they're full of crap too.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like if two people are together for a very long time and they're they never fight or you don't know that they fight, you don't have to know that they're fighting.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's a problem.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's a problem.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Someone's doing something.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, like, I mean, that's the thing.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, people think, oh, a happy marriage is like where you're constantly, you know, laughing and having a good time.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, sometimes you fight, sometimes you argue.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's normal.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You live with this person.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are in each other's faces all the time.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's bound to be a moment where you both don't see eye to eye on something.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's it's healthy if you are arguing.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, not what we're talking about, like your average arguing, not like all the time arguing, obviously, but like if there's no conflict, and there's a healthy way to argue too.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's a healthy if you guys are having a healthy argument where everybody is trying to express how they feel about something and there's uh a good mode of communication back and forth.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah, because arguing a lot can also be like unhealthy and it's it could be like not good for your uh mental health and well-being.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I think if you stop talking, if you're not arguing, if you're not arguing sometimes, that means you're not communicating.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I feel like at that point you've given up on something, right?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that that's that's that's a red flag for the relationship.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: The the person, the third one I think is the person you're marrying, marrying, sometimes you're you forget that this person is just a per person, it's a human being who has their own faults and their own issues, and their own trauma and their own history, and they come with baggage.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: They do, they come with baggage.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're even if you're young when you like meet each other, I still feel like you don't know what this I mean.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Some people some people have childhood trauma.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Some people, yeah, you know, and it's it doesn't have to be trauma.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It could just be like they are they were raised to have certain perceptions or beliefs about one thing or the other.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you're right, we do totally forget that yeah, you know, and they're not they're not perfect.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, and there's certain things that are gonna come up in life, you know, in the course of your your life together.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, some things are gonna come up and you're gonna find out things about this person that you really didn't know until you actually live with this person.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And not not like in a way when I when I like I feel like you should clarify that.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you say that you're gonna find out things about this person you don't know, I don't think it's that they're hiding this thing.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, no, no.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't think it's it's it's like, oh, they're keeping it away from you, but also like there's the issue of family, like the family that of the person you're marrying and all the issues that come with that.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not even issues, but there's like a lot of drama sometimes.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta deal with that.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they're friends, you know, like sometimes the friends are a factor and they can like affect.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, and I also feel like you none of those things become real issues until you and this person are like ingrained together in life, yeah.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you're literally living together, and then you're like, oh well, I didn't really notice that before, but now it kind of gets on my nerves.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, it is well on a lighter no, like even habits, they're habits.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, like, unless you're living with this person, you're not gonna realize their habits.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, some habits are just like really annoying.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they just are like thank god my husband doesn't snore, but I think that would be like a major issue for me.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think I but on yeah, I mean, I get it.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um or quirks or something, you know, there's certain things, but then I feel like that goes both ways.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have a lot of quirks and a lot of things that I do that I feel like are not socially acceptable.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, like a lot of like okay, okay.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta go.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna put myself out there, guys.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So like my back teeth are really, really tight together.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're there have space in the front, no space in the back.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if a piece of food gets stuck inside, uh-huh, a toothpick is always too big.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I will have to go and find like a really small piece of paper and like fold it up just to get in the corner and to get out, whatever, or like if I don't have floss or something, okay?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: It drives my husband crazy.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that really bothers him is that I will open everything with my teeth.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Yeah, he's like that's not good for your teeth.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and he's always looking at me like like stressed.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's well, what are some things that he does that just you didn't realize until you married this person?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you know, he is he does do dad jokes.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sometimes they're funny, yeah.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, and but but the kids and I like sometimes we laugh, we we laugh at him for his dad jokes.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But no, he's not really like he's not like like he's not gross at all.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, he's not.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: No, I've worked with Mahmoud, so I know he's not gross.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um Mahmoud never has lunch though.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I do know that about him, but I do know, but but that is because he likes to eat dinner.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like he he's a snacker, like that's his habit, is it?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: He will have lots of little snacks throughout the day.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then he'll do like he does a he does a solid breakfast and he does a solid dinner and just snacks in between eating.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because when we'd get lunch at work when he was working with me, I'm like, Do you want anything?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, just give me some hummus.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's about but you gotta admit, it's good.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's like 13.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, um, I'm trying to remember.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, I'm I'm sure, like, obviously, I'm not perfect.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody's perfect, but as much as I like to think that I am.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of course.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm sure you have course.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think my thing is like I lose I lose my temper quickly.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like the other night I was talking to her on the phone, and it is the most like disconnected conversation that anyone human being.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: She was talking to her son and she goes, Why are you still awake?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Go to bed.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, okay?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I do love him, but I was annoying the crap, but it was hilarious.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: The tone changed so fast.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was like, Why are you still awake?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, go to bed.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can I have a conversation?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Good night, okay?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he came down to kiss me.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, okay, I'll kiss him, but I'll say I love you.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: But like, go the hell to sleep.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like yesterday, he was like so mad.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: He was so mad, like, this is off topic, but he was so mad at me yesterday, and I'm just like, it is nine o'clock.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what that means?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that means mama's done.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that is my line.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's the day that I was talking to her on the phone, and she is I'm done.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm done.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do not speak to me after night.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you know, especially when you have a long day at work, you're expecting to cook, yeah, like you said, and then you come home, and I'm like, I already spent time with you guys.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Can you leave me with a channel?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it's the kids that it's I'm sure it's the kids and MJ.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's everybody that you're just like, okay, I I need to, I need my space.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I also don't want to talk a lot.
• 8:02
  unknown: Yeah.
• 8:03
  unknown: Just like I don't like to talk a lot.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're talking right now.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: No, this is different.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I actually enjoy talking.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, but like the people in my life talk a lot.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So what is it?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So tell me something about MJ, because I I I really like her husband.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's a quirk that he has?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot, like he's constantly joking.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I love about her husband?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: That is like it's both, it's a double-edged sword.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can't ever say in front of him, I like this thing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because he will go out, and I guess it is a quirk, he will buy it for you in bulk.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't mean like like just a little bit.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have one friend.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: The persimmon story?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Please share the persimmon story.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I love persimmons.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Next day it was like 40 pieces.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he got it like 40, like 40 persimmons, and I'm like, she's one person, she's gonna have diarrhea.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and not just that.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like one time I made the mistake of telling him, Oh, I really like these granola bars.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, oh my god.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I still have a picture, I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna put it up here.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I think it was like 30 boxes of granola.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, and just this is not a bad thing.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a bad thing, but I feel like when he does it, like I'm under pressure.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I have to eat this now.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, you know, it's it's it is, and that's what I'm saying, it's a double-edged sword, but it is like the sweetest thing ever because he's just doing it because he knows like she likes the granola bars or our friend liked the persimmons, or that's a good thing.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be like, the kids came over and there was no cookies.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: The kids were all like like clamoring with each other over the last like Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookie.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but mind you, we still have like like 10,000 other snacks.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but they just wanted those chips a hoy.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I cannot believe we ran out of cookies.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because he keeps that stuff stocked.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: He keeps it stocked.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, anyway.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number four.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think what people don't realize is that, or no one tells them, like, don't make comparisons about your relationships.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's you should, you know, it's not just relationships.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think that applies to like relationships.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Any relationships in life in general as well.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, just don't compare.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're, for example, like you're like, we know we've known each other forever.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Our husbands have hung out.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Your husband's completely different than me.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, completely.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so like we don't ever try to say, like, I don't ever try to compare Amid with Mahmoud, and I'm sure you don't do the same thing.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just everybody's different, everybody's relationship is different, and don't ever like and don't like look at somebody and expect that this is what your life is going to look like.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, or marriage.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It could, but this applies, I feel, like, to everything.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, any relationship or to your life, just don't look at anybody else and say, like, oh, that's what I'm gonna be like when I'm gonna be able to do it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it could cause problems.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It is it will no, no, not could it will.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it will cause problems because you know, you need to find uh you need to come uh together in agreement as to how you want to live your life with your significant other.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't necessarily mean that you know what you're doing is gonna work for me or something.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, you know, and like once you go down that road of comparing yourself or your relationship to other relationships, it's not hundred percent.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but like I said, this applies to every aspect in life.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Number five, the in-laws are not the enemy.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: 100% yes.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that's and honestly, but I feel like that's like really like cultural for us too.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you think so?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel like the concept of like your mother-in-law gets like the word like ilhana.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's just or mother-in-law in Arabic.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's just has this like automatic like negative connotation.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me I'm wrong though.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's not.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And can I, and and when we this, can I please like we will post a poll?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I need to know how the people feel about this.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how many of you guys before you got married had a negative idea of what a mother-in-law is, right?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's because we spend so much time, people like in movies, seriously.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Monster-in-law, remember that when that came out?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, and like I said, culturally, as in like in in Arabs and Arab Americans or whatever.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's across all cultures, right?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think it's just okay.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: So everybody, yeah, so across all cultures.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like the whole mother-in-law just has like a bad, yeah, like negative connotation.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and just like the in-laws, like, you know, the they're your husband's family, your significant other's family.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes you have to, you know, like if you love this person, yeah, you're gonna have to go to certain events.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And at some point, at some point you're gonna disagree.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I look at it as like at some point, like even your own family, you disagree.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to agree with them on everything.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have the same beliefs as them.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have the same, you know, you don't have to have the same feelings as them, but it is just like your family.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't agree on everything with your family, right?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I just think, you know, there's this negative connotation as soon as you say in-laws or mother-in-law, it's an automatic, you know, like like I'll be honest, I've never had an issue with my mother-in-law.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, like never like knock on wood, alhamdulillah, like I've never had an issue, never had an issue with my father-in-law.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: So but like you have there's something called respect.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think if you have respect in a relationship, you're gonna respect that these are your husband's family.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I also feel like that respect is mutual, and that's why you guys don't have a problem.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it goes both ways, and you know, that's I just think like a lot of people maybe, or not maybe not a lot, but some people kind of like hear that in-law and they're just like and that's it.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it shouldn't be like that.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like you, I mean, I know some people are difficult, I know some in-laws are difficult, nobody's perfect, but they are your significant other's family, yeah.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you should kind of make an effort um until they prove you otherwise, like you know, like just don't go into it thinking, oh god, they're gonna be so annoying.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know what I mean?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: I I agree 100%.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number six.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Number six kids are no joke.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you decide to have them, you need to make sure you're good with your significant other first.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and honestly, like it's not just that, it's uh I outside of a significant other, and I'll talk about myself.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna talk about anybody's experience, you have to be prepared for this like gamut of emotions that you've never experienced, you know, before in your life.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to be prepared to have this responsibility like I for for forever.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't care, even when your kids are adult, like they're still your responsibility, right?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or there you still care about them.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: The the the concept of responsibility like changes, but I just feel like when you have children, it's not even about the marriage.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, it's like I have to be prepared to be to one, like uh in the beginning, you're trying to keep them alive.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first of all, I feel like their entire lives you're trying to keep them alive, right?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: You really are.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: But there is this, you know, you have these babies, and it like if you're not strong and you're not ready to take care of this, like and you ex have all these expectations of your partner that you haven't communicated, it's gonna make things go sour, but it's really, really good.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just about you being prepared personally, but your marriage needs to be strong enough, you know.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like having kids is it's a wonderful experience, but it's not for everybody.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, you need to decide before you get married if you guys are on the same page about that, for sure.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: And the relationship needs to be very strong before anyone considers that.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: And like also no one tells you how having kids really changes the relationship, you know.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, like I and I feel like as moms, your sh your focus completely shifts and it becomes like this balancing act to give time for your partner, for your children, and for yourself.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I feel like, yeah, you have to look to have kids, you have to have excellent communication skills.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: You have to you have to like directly communicate your expectations, like what you want and what you need, because it is a lot of work.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but is the is is it is it balanced the what you're saying?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: You have to like balance out your time and energy and effort with your kids and your husband, but like are men expected to do that?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, but but do they do that as much as women do that?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like them I feel like mom sometimes yes, yes, and no.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I uh like look, I can't answer that question for you.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I can't answer that question for everybody.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the same across the board for everybody, obviously.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm saying, like, I feel like we're always playing the balancing act.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I feel sometimes, and I'm not generalizing, I'm just saying sometimes uh the men aren't expected to do as much as we have to do.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I also feel like again, I'll speak just about myself.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of a control freak.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I kind of not not like there's I could be really easy sometimes, I could be really bad sometimes, but I also feel like I end up being stuck in this space because I want things done a very specific way.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And when they're not done my way, then I kind of get annoyed.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So over the years, I've had to teach myself to let go of certain things that, like, okay, is this gonna be exactly where I want it?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, but at least I'm not doing it.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it's then it's less of having to balance and make sure that I'm doing this and that.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I get that.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And and really, I think the most important thing when you have kids, and in a marriage, like it's your relationship with your family at that point.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because a marriage, yes, it's between two people.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Once you have kids, it's a whole freaking family that's now in that relationship.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like you really have to like we don't talk about it often, but I feel like as moms, as wives, like uh partners, you really have to like spend some time on yourself.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like you really have to dedicate time to yourself to just feel like a normal human being.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, normal, but like you.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like the concept of who you are gets lost along the way.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: But this is one of the reasons we did this podcast.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is one of the reasons it wasn't the main reason, but it was one of the reasons.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we needed our own time.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Agreed.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think that's very healthy.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you gotta do your own thing, you gotta take care of yourself and you know, self-love, self-care, whatever you want to call it.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: But that that's definitely important.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I keep doing all this stuff, and then I like I I you know why?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then I keep remembering all the comments that I get on TikTok about why is she flipping her hair?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Why does she have her finger in it?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: You see them since last time.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's thank you.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I it's funny because like those are my quirks.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm I'm a hand talker, I touch my hair, I do all this stuff or whatever.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so I get so many comments on TikTok about that.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to be like, I'm like overly conscious now.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, do I sit like that?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, but just be yourself, don't worry about it, whatever.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, are you ready for the next one?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, yeah.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: Your marriage will be a source of gossip.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now let me finish.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, 99% of the people you know will gossip about your marriage.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: Keep your personal business between you and your spouse, and that gossip will have zero impact.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do you agree with that statement?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: A hundred million percent.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so here's the thing that I think the reason my marriage has lasted this long is because we made anything.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's because your husband buys Per Simmons.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: We call he is the fruit king.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: You never go to Lena's house and she doesn't have fruit or fruit.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fruit in general.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but it's really like no no no no, but he shines in the fruit and snack department.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: You remember everybody in the area where they shine and just shines in the fruit and snack department.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me I'm wrong.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, you're not wrong.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm just saying for us, we made an agreement in the beginning, and we it wasn't really even spoken, but it's just like you we keep our business together.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like like don't keep it inside this house.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever happens stays between us.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You mean do keep it inside this house?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, definitely keep it, keep it inside this house.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever happens between us is between us.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: No one should get involved.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Not your family, not my family.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: We deal with it as a couple, yeah.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and I think that's crucial.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I think no matter like if you're my best friend, right?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't tell you everything that happens, right?
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like it, like there's some things that need to be.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sometimes like when we sit there, and I'm in the same boat as Lena.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: We sit there, we complain, we're like, oh my god, today was so long.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody is like, you know, everybody is anything.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you can be like, oh my god, he's so annoying today.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's fine.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: But like, like there's certain things that is like literally just for me and my husband.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of people, not a lot of people, but some people fall into that.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like they'll they'll share with their sibling or their friend, and then I feel like when you're fighting with somebody and you share the negative things about them, the other person will hate them even when you're like over it.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you go by and then when you make up, yeah, it's like, oh my god.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and then you find out things that you shouldn't have found out, you know what I mean?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: So it's better to just like unless you're dealing with really a major problem or issue where you're concerned about your safety.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if it's a serious issue, that's different.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: You need to reach out to someone, but I'm talking about like day-to-day in a semi-normal relationship, keep that stuff between you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think enough people realize realize that.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just your friends sometimes don't have to know everything.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Your family doesn't have to know everything, you know.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: You guys have to deal with it, and then you'll grow from that, I feel.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna sing for us today?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: You usually end up singing one one, yeah, one verse or something.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay, you ready for the number eight.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Number eight, okay.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: In marriage, uh-huh, you will be tested because shit happens, okay.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um it happens to everybody.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I I feel like I kept saying 100%, 100%, 100%.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I agree with this.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I support this message.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think sometimes you have to understand that love doesn't conquer all.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have, and and by the way, neither does money.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like money helps and everything.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not love, it's not money.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's it's it's trust, it's, and I'm gonna sound really cheesy.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's trust, it's communication, and it's your support of each other during the worst of times.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Look, when things are amazing, we're all like happy, go lucky.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just by the way, marriages is marriage, it's any, it's any relationship you have, a friendship.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: When things are good, things are amazing, but it's your support of this other person during the uh a tough time.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's like the test in your marriage.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you realize when something is really good or really not, if you're gonna make it or not.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: If someone is is the person for you or not.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because we've all been through, and I and I'm thinking about some stuff I I don't want to share, but like some stuff that I've been through, yeah, and I'm just like, oh my God, this is this guy is here for me.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so like you realize in those moments that that that this person actually cares about you.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that but but like but you have to understand that like you know, it's not it's not a you know, Hollywood movie.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a movie, you know, like marriage is it is work, marriage is work, absolutely, and I think sometimes, yeah.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Shit will happen and you have to deal with it.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not all like, you know, just fun and games.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's not.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so you gotta be prepared for that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think that's that's it.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: But I did want to ask you what's one thing that surprised you about marriage that you didn't realize?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: What's something that surprised everything?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm giving No, give me one.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Give me one.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's something that surprised me about marriage?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like genuinely surprised me about marriage?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like you weren't expecting it.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: You just no one told you.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: You felt like a slap on the face when you realized like that, like when I was buying stuff for the house, that like I just I always thought like guys just like did not care.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: That is one thing up until this day when I'm doing something, when I like get vetoed like really hard on a piece of furniture.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, why do you care?
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what I mean?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but see, but see it's something so small, but then I'm like, But see, you're a good person.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: You are a good person.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'd be like, listen, listen, Mofo, this is a red line.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's my house, goddamn it.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: You have no no, I'm just kidding.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: But like, I would be really annoyed, but I don't think I can handle that.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this is not your business.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, but like, but it was so weird for me because I was like, oh, I thought like guys never cared about this stuff.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: But no, he's he's just me, but uh looking at my house, which we film at my house.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, I you can kind of see my style everywhere.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: But it was just the funniest thing.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's like one of the it's something so small, but I was like, oh, you guys actually care.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I I don't allow my husband to have a say in this.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, what about you?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's one thing that surprised you about marriage?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, as much as I have a temper, I didn't realize how much I'm gonna have to be patient.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, right?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, because I'm not a patient person.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like I'm not there are moments when you're like you're like, oh my god, yeah, Allah, please.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like I like I'm not happy.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like I am not naturally calm.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: Calm.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just like, oh my god, I have to be like, like sometimes I wish calm or patient.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's been a long time since I've been married to this guy.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes I'm like, do I need earplugs?
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need like like like I need like some tape to shut my mouth because like I'm also very like broken?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but the best part is sometimes you're like, is it actually am I the actual am I the problem?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the problem?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like you know, nobody thinks, like, especially like in the middle of a fight, you're like, no, I'm right.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, but like I'm like afterwards, like when I kind of like maybe I was kind of bitchy.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe I need to like tone it down.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or my husband goes, like, you know, this is just your ego, right?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have an ego.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have an ego.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, what are you talking about?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: Ego mean Anna?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is that you'll funny?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: But the patience part.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like No, the best I think also that surprises me is like he always used to tell he and he's still to this day with me arguing, he's like, You get so defensive.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, right there, exactly.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then my and I, you know, kind of start the following sentence with, I am amazing and I am beautiful.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did you actually do that in the fight?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're so funny.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is exactly what I'm saying.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Basically, that's called self-affirmation.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: Good for you, girl.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, in the middle of a fight.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: I do something similar.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm gonna say it in Arabic and then we can translate.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you shouldn't every day basically you should basically pray to God and thank God that I'm married to you.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, like, you're doing self-affirmation.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not like I'm hamlo Jimila.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: That I'm married to him.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, we're a catch.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, but they're good guys.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: We have good guys.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: What's next, Lena?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 25:39
  unknown: Yeah.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: That was really cute.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love um, I love discussions like this.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, hopefully it helps some people.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hope so.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I would love?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would love if um you guys listening would just either on YouTube, on Instagram, on TikTok, leave a comment about what you found out, what you were surprised to learn like about being married, right?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like something that what you didn't expect.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: What you didn't expect.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think it would be really awesome.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but um, thank you guys for listening.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't subscribed, please subscribe.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: We would so appreciate it.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And for everybody out there sending all the love, we see you, we feel you, we thank you.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, thank you so much.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: You are now our community, and we love that.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: See you guys next time.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.