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Royal Deaths, Part Four: The Unfortunate Lives of Scottish Kings · Ridiculous History

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Speaker 1: Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
0:27
Speaker 1: the show Ridiculous Historians. We were coming to you on
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Speaker 1: the road and at least by a case incredibly cartoonishly
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Speaker 1: sleep deprived. Shout out to super producer mister Max Williams.
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Speaker 2: All Right, okay, well, liessn't trying out a new little
0:43
Speaker 2: funny buzzy word at the beginning of that. I'm going
0:45
Speaker 2: with who do you Who today just to represents Atlanta.
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Speaker 3: But I don't know. It might change, it might be
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Speaker 3: the same. I gave up. Hoorah rah damn.
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Speaker 4: Carry on, remember ooh baby baby, it's the wow.
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Speaker 3: Getting riled up. I'm getting ribbed up. At the top
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Speaker 3: of the show today.
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Speaker 1: They call me Ben with me as always as mister
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Speaker 1: Noel Brown. This is Ridiculous Royal Deaths Round four And
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Speaker 1: just for full disclosure, folks, we know there's been a
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Speaker 1: lot of unfortunate news about the royal family of the
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Speaker 1: United Kingdom. We're not making light of that in any way.
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Speaker 1: You can get some updates on that with various other
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Speaker 1: shows we have done, such as Stuff They Don't Want
1:29
Speaker 1: You to Know and hanging out with our pal Gandhi
1:31
Speaker 1: on sauce on the side.
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Speaker 2: And speaking of stuff that, I want you to know
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Speaker 2: this isn't anything to do with today's episode, but there
1:37
Speaker 2: is going to be a fun update to a classic
1:39
Speaker 2: Ridiculous History episode about the curse of Colonel Sanders that
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Speaker 2: has loomed over the Japanese baseball team. I believe it's
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Speaker 2: the hans Shun Tigers for many, many years because somebody
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Speaker 2: took a Colonel Sanders statue outside of a KFC in
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Speaker 2: Japan and threw it in a very dirty, nasty river.
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Speaker 3: And as we know, baseball is probably one of.
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Speaker 2: The most superstitious of sports. Anyway, superstitious hilarity ensued, and
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Speaker 2: now apparently there's been a bit of a.
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Speaker 3: Break and people really do believe that.
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Speaker 1: You guys know, I spend spent a regular amount of
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Speaker 1: time over in Japan, and I was startled to run
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Speaker 1: into baseball fans who absolutely believe this. I don't know
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Speaker 1: if I told you about when I ran into some
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Speaker 1: baseball fans. I had a Braves hat on and I
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Speaker 1: was just, you know, like a nice little romin spot
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Speaker 1: and these sure, these kids who were a little younger
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Speaker 1: than me, were huge, huge, hugely into baseball and I
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Speaker 1: was able to hold the conversation.
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Speaker 3: Max, you would have been proud of me.
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Speaker 1: I was able to hold the conversation for about fifteen
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Speaker 1: to sixteen minutes.
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Speaker 3: But they knew all.
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Speaker 1: The stats, they missed everything, and eventually I was like, guys,
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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, this is the extent of my knowledge of
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Speaker 1: the Atlanta Braves.
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Speaker 2: Well, I mean, well, you know exports, two of which
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Speaker 2: are Kentucky fried chicken and the sport of baseball. It
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Speaker 2: does seem that Japan when they kind of you know,
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Speaker 2: take those kinds of things on, a lot of the
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Speaker 2: American words sort of become like locked in tied to it.
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Speaker 2: So you can probably with your basic knowledge of Japanese
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Speaker 2: and then you know, throwing around some baseball buzzwords, you
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Speaker 2: could probably get by for a while as you well did.
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Speaker 3: That's amazing. I want to give a Yeah.
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Speaker 1: So I want to give a long overdue shout out
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Speaker 1: to our pals across the Pound Pond, Toshi Yoshi and
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Speaker 1: two guys named Ken.
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Speaker 3: Amazing. Yeah.
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Speaker 4: Also, I just want to point out that right now,
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Speaker 4: in the background, I'm sending up my probable starters for
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Speaker 4: this weekend my fantasy baseball league.
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Speaker 3: Well, one of my six Fantasy Baseball.
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Speaker 2: League, Dare to Dream? Bro Uh so is it me?
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Speaker 2: It's fantasy baseball. It's always sounded a little erotic. I
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Speaker 2: don't know why, you know.
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Speaker 3: I'm just picturing noddy stuff going.
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Speaker 1: It's like the it's like the gravity uh pleasure, the
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Speaker 1: pleasures of gravity, right.
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Speaker 3: As as it almost be me spit. As a writer
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Speaker 3: in a comic, I tend to think everything's dirty. But well,
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Speaker 3: we'll get.
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Speaker 4: To the gravity pleasure ride.
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Speaker 3: We'll get to that litter, will we ever? Something in
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Speaker 3: the of nothing.
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Speaker 2: Today's episode isn't about any of these things, but it
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Speaker 2: is another of our famous royal death listical episode, right,
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Speaker 2: and you did tease that with the disclaimer, which I
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Speaker 2: think was absolutely fair.
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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and we have to admit, you know, existence
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Speaker 1: is tough. Even if you are a prince or a
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Speaker 1: duke or an aristocrat, you too will be more lis king. Right,
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Speaker 1: perhaps everybody from pauper to prince, from a peasants to monarch,
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Speaker 1: everybody is human. So look, a lot of time has passed.
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Speaker 1: When we talk about royal deaths, strange ridiculous royal deaths,
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Speaker 1: we do try to focus on people who have passed
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Speaker 1: away a long long time ago. And as we said
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Speaker 1: in our very first installment of this, it's going to
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Speaker 1: be a continuing series. I don't know what are you saying?
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Speaker 1: All you want to just dive in. Since we mentioned Scotland.
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Speaker 2: We must well, yeah, Scottish king, yeah, pretty and a
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Speaker 2: duke of pope. We are in fact all human. King
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Speaker 2: Alexander the Third of Scotland was what were we talking
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Speaker 2: a little bit about horniness slightly? We were with the
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Speaker 2: fantasy as well. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's okay. He
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Speaker 2: was Yeah, he was ready. He was single and ready
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Speaker 2: to mingle. Well not necessarily single, but he was definitely
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Speaker 2: ready to mingle.
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Speaker 3: He was in.
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Speaker 2: Quite a rush to get to the deed. Let's just say.
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Speaker 2: But let's just start from when he was born. Alexander
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Speaker 2: the Third born September fourth, twelve forty one died March
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Speaker 2: eighteenth or nineteen somewhere there in twelve eighty.
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Speaker 3: Six, near king Horn, fifth Scotland.
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Speaker 2: He was the King of Scotland from twelve forty nine
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Speaker 2: to twelve eighty six, and the last major ruler of
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Speaker 2: a dynasty of kings descending from Malcolm the third of Canmore,
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Speaker 2: who actually consolidated a lot of the royal powers in Scotland.
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Speaker 1: And Alexander did the right thing as a monarch. He
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Speaker 1: left his kingdom with its own autonomy. It was independent,
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Speaker 1: it was prosperous, it was united, and Scott's looking back
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Speaker 1: would think, man Alexander ruled over a golden age. And
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Speaker 1: it's just the shame that after he died we got
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Speaker 1: in this long, protracted, bloody conflict with England. King Alexander
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Speaker 1: the second had one son, and this kid was named,
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Speaker 1: in a burst of creativity, Alexander the Third. And yeah,
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Speaker 1: we know monarchies and meritocracies may have a bit of
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Speaker 1: a Venn diagram, but merit is not the way you
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Speaker 1: become monarch. The way you become monarch is based entirely
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Speaker 1: on your familial relation to the previous monarch or a
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Speaker 1: bloody battle.
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Speaker 3: So weird thing.
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Speaker 2: About that blood or you know, the bloody the inside
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Speaker 2: blood or the outside bloody. Yes, So Alexander the Third,
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Speaker 2: it turns out he is only seven years old, which
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Speaker 2: he becomes the king. I'm just going to go out
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Speaker 2: on a limb and say, maybe he wasn't the most
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Speaker 2: qualified for the job. And we see it, of course
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Speaker 2: depicted in shows like Game of Thrones and such, where
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Speaker 2: these you know, small children that are presiding or reigning
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Speaker 2: over these massive empires. And often what you end up
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Speaker 2: seeing the situations of the real power is the power
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Speaker 2: behind the throne and the advisors and perhaps a mother,
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Speaker 2: you know, or a close relationship that's kind of whispering
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Speaker 2: in the young king's ear and getting them to kind
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Speaker 2: of do their bidding and sort of steering things from
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Speaker 2: the shadows.
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Speaker 3: Right right exactly.
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Speaker 1: And this is where we get to one of my
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Speaker 1: one of my favorite words I learned from Blood Meridian
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Speaker 1: by Cormack McCarthy, which when that film finally comes out,
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Speaker 1: it's going to be amazing.
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Speaker 3: It is going to be Gnarlis.
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Speaker 1: So it's got one of the best villains in all
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Speaker 1: of English literature, all of sorry, the English language.
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Speaker 3: So it is good.
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Speaker 1: Judge Holden, Yes, oh god, absolute monster. Actually gave me
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Speaker 1: nightmares reading that, but so okay. So this word is souzerainty.
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Speaker 1: To be a suzerain means to have dominion over something
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Speaker 1: in practice, if not in name. So you might not
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Speaker 1: have your stamp on the maps or the money or
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Speaker 1: the paper, but you control an area. So Henry the
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Speaker 1: Third he recognizes an opportunity, you know, and he says, look,
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Speaker 1: I'm gonna engineer a political marriage. We're going to do
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Speaker 1: an arranged marriage of children, and this will be my
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Speaker 1: way to gain control over Scotland. And so in twelve
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Speaker 1: fifty five, a pro English faction in Scotland grabs Little
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Speaker 1: Alli three Alexander the Third, and then two years later
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Speaker 1: an anti English faction gets the upper hand and they
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Speaker 1: control the government. So Alexander is safe. They safeguard him
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Speaker 1: until he comes of age in twelve sixty two. The
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Speaker 1: year after that, he fights off an invasion by a
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Speaker 1: Norwegian king who's got a really cool, like Dune esque name,
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Speaker 1: hock On four four.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, sorry, excuse me, I had something in my throat
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Speaker 3: right on.
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Speaker 1: And this guy Hockon has a son named King Magnus
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Speaker 1: five And in twelve six Magnus.
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Speaker 3: What a strong name. Magnus is.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And for a while these guys uh the Norwegian line.
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Speaker 1: They were controlling some islands along the west coast of Scotland,
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Speaker 1: really beautiful places, the Isle of Man, a couple other ones.
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Speaker 1: So eventually Magnus seeds control of those islands to Scotland,
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Speaker 1: which is why they're part of Scotland today.
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Speaker 4: Side note, do you guys know who Magnus is in
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Speaker 4: Skyrim or are the older scrolls?
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Speaker 3: Yes?
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Speaker 5: Hold on, yeah, hold on, well he he's he's uh
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Speaker 5: miss Honey's father in Matilda and and and they and
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Speaker 5: they make him speak from beyond the grave to freak
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Speaker 5: out the trench bowl.
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Speaker 3: Sorry if that was any minor spoilers for Matilda.
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Speaker 1: You're talking about the staff of Magnus Magnet. I have
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Speaker 1: the staff of Magnet, that's what there's the eye of
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Speaker 1: and there's Magnus Septum.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 4: So Magnus was the architect of lor CON's uh world scheme,
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Speaker 4: which was you know, which is Munda's, which is the universe?
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Speaker 3: But then god of magic.
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Speaker 4: I think he's got a magic But so like all
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Speaker 4: the Adra had put.
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Speaker 2: A lot of literally everybody right now, yeah, no, three
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Speaker 2: people are very happy about this.
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Speaker 3: There's just all on air right now.
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Speaker 4: Magnus is uh was just so strong that he was
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Speaker 4: the only one of the Adria to say now I'm out.
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Speaker 4: So he backed out, and by doing that, he ripped
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Speaker 4: a whole through the Munda's so that magic could leak
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Speaker 4: into Munda's from etheriusts and that is the sun.
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Speaker 3: Did you say this is important? I want this to
10:47
Speaker 3: get lost.
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Speaker 1: I met a guy who worked at Bethesda and helped
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Speaker 1: build Skyrim last night. Noel, you met him too, our
10:57
Speaker 1: buddy John.
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Speaker 3: Uh yeah, that job. Yeah?
11:02
Speaker 1: Okay, So now uh now back to the show we
11:05
Speaker 1: were doing. So if you get talked about in one
11:08
Speaker 1: of these episodes, you know, we spend a lot of
11:10
Speaker 1: time talking about the back and forth of a lot
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Speaker 1: of Western European conflicts. Here's the deal. This is Royal
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Speaker 1: Death's fellow ridiculous historians. So if you get mentioned in
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Speaker 1: one of these episodes, that means you did not die
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Speaker 1: in a fun or clean way.
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Speaker 2: No, he is of age now, right, Like I mean,
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Speaker 2: at least Fellas, Yeah, he's all grown up. So at
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Speaker 2: least we're not talking about like killing kids or anything,
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Speaker 2: which I'm not saying that's off the table entirely. If
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Speaker 2: it happens, it happens.
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Speaker 1: As soon as you come of age as a monarch,
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Speaker 1: then your next job is to make more kids, right,
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Speaker 1: You got to ensure the bloodline continues. Alexander did have
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Speaker 1: did have three kids with his first wife, who unfortunately
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Speaker 1: she passed away in twelve seventy five, and then all
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Speaker 1: of his all of his children from that marriage had
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Speaker 1: also passed away by twelve eighty four. Get yeah, getting
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Speaker 1: that from Samantha Aerosmith for mental.
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Speaker 2: Flaws, remember that part, and also love Samantha for her
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Speaker 2: writing and her incredible last name which is spelled not
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Speaker 2: like the band, because they're they're the Smiths of like aerospace.
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Speaker 3: This is like an actual aerospace at w.
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Speaker 2: But I didn't remember the part about all of his
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Speaker 2: kids dying Jesus man, Yeah, what a bummer. So now
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Speaker 2: he's really in desperate need to produce that air, and
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Speaker 2: a situation arises where he might just.
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Speaker 3: Have that opportunity.
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Speaker 1: Yes, he marries Jolande through in twelve eighty five, and
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Speaker 1: he is feeling you know, I hate to make it
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Speaker 1: sound like a Lifetime movie. You know in Lifetime there's
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Speaker 1: always like the hard nosed businesswoman. Main character travels back
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Speaker 1: to her small town and she feels her biological clock
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Speaker 1: is ticking. That's what's happened in Alexander three. He's like,
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Speaker 1: I need to make babies strong preference for a dude,
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Speaker 1: and so he starts to He is trying to travel
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Speaker 1: to Yolanda and make children as quickly as possible, and
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Speaker 1: he's a little interesting, he's not cautious about it.
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Speaker 3: It's interesting.
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Speaker 2: It's for her birthday, so presumably he's trying to get
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Speaker 2: to her a surprise her with birthday sex. Like, is
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Speaker 2: this like gonna be a special date night situation?
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Speaker 3: Like, I don't.
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Speaker 2: I guess I don't fully understand the significance of it
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Speaker 2: begetting to her for her birthday.
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Speaker 4: But it also feels like he forgot her birthday and
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Speaker 4: that's why he'll.
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Speaker 2: Dress himself up as a present, as a sexy present.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, sounds very happen exactly.
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Speaker 1: So, so here's what he does. He does something that's
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Speaker 1: not super smart. At the time, the Queen is at
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Speaker 1: king Horn Castle in Fife, and he is rushing from
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Speaker 1: Edinburgh post taste and to make good time to get
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Speaker 1: there punctually. He travels through the night, and traveling at night,
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Speaker 1: even if you're king, one could argue, especially if you're king,
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Speaker 1: is pretty dangerous.
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Speaker 2: At this point, we take that for granted, dolt, he
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Speaker 2: have like headlights and such, you know, in street lights,
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Speaker 2: you're traveling through some rough terrain, you know, I mean
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Speaker 2: a horse could twist its ankle and send you, you know,
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Speaker 2: tumbling down a hillside or whatever.
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Speaker 3: At first, when I was hearing this.
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Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, no, he didn't get wet and die
14:33
Speaker 2: of a common coal diddy like that one president taking
14:37
Speaker 2: his night walks. No, but still not too too far
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Speaker 2: off in terms of very preventable things.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, here's what happened. All of his guides attire entourage
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Speaker 1: is going, buddy, we get it. You know, we felt
14:50
Speaker 1: the force of the horn ourselves.
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Speaker 3: Right, and the horn.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all but reason must prevail, you know, think
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Speaker 1: with your other head. He doesn't listen, so he travels,
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Speaker 1: He activigates, He travels by night, He is separated from
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Speaker 1: his guides, and he disappears. They don't find him until
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Speaker 1: dawn the next day. He has indeed fallen off a cliff.
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Speaker 1: His horse stumbled in the dark through all over the edge.
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Speaker 2: See I was just guessing that impossible SCENARTI broke his neck,
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Speaker 2: and it's probably because it's probably because he was making
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Speaker 2: the horse go faster than the horse needed to go.
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Speaker 2: You know, it's kind of embarrassing. Really, I'm sure when
15:29
Speaker 2: you get found like that, you're not looking very kingly.
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Speaker 5: Uh.
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Speaker 2: It's a little better than dying on the commode. But
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Speaker 2: it's pretty unbecoming, you know.
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Speaker 1: You know, if he had died on a commode at
15:40
Speaker 1: that time, they would have been fascinated because it would
15:42
Speaker 1: have been a future device. It would be the first
15:45
Speaker 1: time they had seen a commode too.
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Speaker 3: Oh that's fine.
15:47
Speaker 2: Sorry, yeah, a cute George Washington themul Sorry, we haven't
15:51
Speaker 2: said it on this show.
15:52
Speaker 3: Stuff that I want you to know.
15:53
Speaker 2: We have a very ridiculous history ongoing sketch series featuring
15:58
Speaker 2: Ben as George Washington traveling through time.
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Speaker 3: Maybe we'll have to feature a commode one of these Yeah,
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Speaker 3: that would be mind bloy.
16:04
Speaker 1: I'm also excited for you to teach him the latest
16:08
Speaker 1: con virtual reality.
16:10
Speaker 3: We can't that's a new one coming out. It might
16:12
Speaker 3: be out already by the time this episode hits.
16:13
Speaker 1: And you could check that out on our on our
16:16
Speaker 1: Instagram for stuff they don't want you to know, so
16:19
Speaker 1: let us know. Yeah, I can't believe I mentioned before. Yeah,
16:22
Speaker 1: with great music by mister Matt Fredericks.
16:24
Speaker 3: Oh God, what an earworm and a banger it is.
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Speaker 2: But Ben, as we know, when it comes to royal deaths,
16:29
Speaker 2: whether you know, dignified or otherwise, it tends to leave
16:34
Speaker 2: a vacuum that is usually filled with a lot of
16:36
Speaker 2: creative and intense political jockeying, right.
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Speaker 1: Yes, sir, Yeah, so the king, the king expires unexpectedly,
16:45
Speaker 1: he leaves no heirs, no direct adult airs.
16:48
Speaker 3: Yeah, so he was going there to shoot for right
16:51
Speaker 3: on what you wish?
16:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and so and so all of a sudden
16:57
Speaker 1: there is a spurt of chaos.
17:00
Speaker 2: Stop it now, we're keeping it as is.
17:04
Speaker 1: So this next direct air and the chain of command
17:07
Speaker 1: and inheritance here would be his granddaughter Margaret, who is
17:12
Speaker 1: one year old when she gets to the throne.
17:16
Speaker 3: Again.
17:17
Speaker 1: Again, not to be a jerk about it, but maybe
17:20
Speaker 1: not the best person for the job at this point.
17:22
Speaker 2: Well yeah, and again it just it just leaves it
17:24
Speaker 2: open for whomever the hand the baby handler is to
17:27
Speaker 2: take the reins.
17:28
Speaker 3: We don't really it's.
17:31
Speaker 2: A million percent, but a lot of times it's not
17:32
Speaker 2: even clear who exactly that person is all the time, right,
17:35
Speaker 2: because it's all happening like, you know, kind of beneath board.
17:39
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, guys, I would love to do an
17:41
Speaker 1: episode about the inner life of harems in the Ottoman Empire.
17:48
Speaker 1: It is so fascinating that's I think that's our next
17:51
Speaker 1: step of royal deaths, because what you just said reminded
17:55
Speaker 1: me like the power plays and the you know, the
17:57
Speaker 1: king in name or the queen in name.
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Speaker 3: Sure word again actually Susanphone.
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Speaker 1: Susara, and then you know things like in the Ottoman
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Speaker 1: Empire they had two different two different controlling forces. In
18:13
Speaker 1: the Harem, there's like the kids and the Okay, well,
18:17
Speaker 1: i'll get way into it too quickly.
18:19
Speaker 3: I'll be like start talking about Skyrim again. Okay, I
18:24
Speaker 3: can't wait.
18:24
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to finally finally do the Ottoman Empire.
18:28
Speaker 1: But before we do that, we've got another, uh, we've
18:30
Speaker 1: got another unfortunate end for a royal. Also from Scotland.
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Speaker 1: You've heard about James, but what about James too, Yeah, jameson.
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Speaker 2: Nobody calls him James the first. It's just James. I
18:42
Speaker 2: guess you don't need the Yeah, it's they.
18:44
Speaker 3: Could call him James the first. It does happen from
18:46
Speaker 3: time to time.
18:48
Speaker 4: James Bible. Yeah, he's actually King James, I believe the
18:51
Speaker 4: fifth because they're different lines.
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Speaker 2: Oh right, England, and it's not the same Scotland. Yeah,
18:58
Speaker 2: well this is uh, the King of Scotland James the Second,
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Speaker 2: and I love what you put here, Max. Of all
19:04
Speaker 2: the Kings of Scotland, James the Second is definitely one
19:07
Speaker 2: of them.
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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, but not the Uh.
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Speaker 1: He's no uh, He's not an Alexander the Second, you know.
19:15
Speaker 1: So he does, unfortunately have a weird ending to his life.
19:22
Speaker 1: So we want to you know, I'm glad we're bringing
19:24
Speaker 1: up the King James distinction. It gets confusing. It's like
19:27
Speaker 1: that novel One hundred Years of Solitude, when so many
19:30
Speaker 1: characters all have the same names. King James one, the
19:33
Speaker 1: King of England caugh cough, Bible dude is from the
19:38
Speaker 1: uh is from the same line of the King James
19:41
Speaker 1: is that we're talking about here, but the first one
19:45
Speaker 1: after they merge the Kings of Scotland and England together.
19:48
Speaker 1: Let's just fast forward. So like in Scottish terms, yeah,
19:51
Speaker 1: thank you. In Scottish terms, the guy we're talking about
19:53
Speaker 1: is King James the sixth basically, So Max, because you
19:59
Speaker 1: and I are friends and your research associated for this,
20:02
Speaker 1: I will quote you he was King James the six
20:06
Speaker 1: meaning the James as we were talking about today would
20:08
Speaker 1: be King James minus three in England. Does this matter, No.
20:13
Speaker 3: No, but you wanted to write it anyway.
20:15
Speaker 2: Guys, Wouldn't it have been easier if they'd just given
20:17
Speaker 2: everybody their own, unique, creative, flourishing name instead of all
20:21
Speaker 2: these multitudes of James's.
20:24
Speaker 1: It would, But there's branding involved.
20:26
Speaker 2: Because it's about the line or they want to support
20:30
Speaker 2: the previous administration.
20:31
Speaker 4: Basically, it's like that pope who had that cool name,
20:34
Speaker 4: who made who made the calendar? And his name is Gregg,
20:43
Speaker 4: greg not the Ugo Bancapia calendar, right right.
20:47
Speaker 1: Also, also, I will point out that's I've always suspected
20:51
Speaker 1: that's part of the reason so many ancient rulers would
20:55
Speaker 1: get a.
20:56
Speaker 2: Street name or oh yeah, yeah, of course a nickname
20:59
Speaker 2: like Caligula was. It was a nickname like you.
21:02
Speaker 1: Know, uh, like Alexander the Horny or Alexander the bad
21:07
Speaker 1: horse rider.
21:07
Speaker 3: Caligula was Guias Magnus some like a lot of that.
21:11
Speaker 2: Those other emperors were, and a lot of them did
21:14
Speaker 2: have their own like Cesarean and all of these basically nicknames.
21:21
Speaker 3: I also like the ones.
21:23
Speaker 1: I also like the ones that are clearly historical insults
21:26
Speaker 1: later where it's like I'll just make one up, but
21:30
Speaker 1: you know, it's like Donovan the mid Lane exactly still
21:33
Speaker 1: Gar the fine right, the just okay of sorry Stilgar
21:38
Speaker 1: was from Dune.
21:39
Speaker 4: But I think I mean the best one was there's
21:42
Speaker 4: one it's like Ethel read the Unready.
21:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that one. Uh, he wasn't ready for it.
21:50
Speaker 1: Check out our previous episode so to see what we mean. So, okay,
21:53
Speaker 1: let's go to our palace of Britannica.
21:55
Speaker 2: Uh.
21:55
Speaker 3: They break it down this way.
21:57
Speaker 1: James the Second was the King of Sky from fourteen
22:02
Speaker 1: thirty seven to fourteen sixty not super duper long, but
22:05
Speaker 1: pretty respectful in the grand scheme of things. And he
22:09
Speaker 1: came into a time of civil pandemonium in the first
22:12
Speaker 1: half of his raid, but he was able to turn
22:15
Speaker 1: things around because solidate his power and become he was
22:18
Speaker 1: very good at the game of thrones.
22:21
Speaker 3: Huh and sure you gotta be Yeah.
22:24
Speaker 1: And he's he's bucking the trend because he like a
22:28
Speaker 1: previous monarch. He becomes king when he's six years old
22:32
Speaker 1: because someone kills his father.
22:34
Speaker 2: Ye it happens, jals sold this time someone killed me daddy,
22:38
Speaker 2: And now I'm a small, tiny child king. Can we
22:41
Speaker 2: also just take a moment to say that it's neat
22:43
Speaker 2: that the Kings of Scotland are referred to as being
22:46
Speaker 2: King of Scots, referring I guess directly to the people,
22:50
Speaker 2: which I think is a name and it's an interesting
22:51
Speaker 2: kind of like.
22:52
Speaker 3: Twist on that phrase.
22:54
Speaker 2: I guess the closest thing I can compare it to
22:55
Speaker 2: would be like King of the Britons, which I think
22:59
Speaker 2: more was referring to the land than it is the
23:01
Speaker 2: people are people Britons or is that like you.
23:04
Speaker 1: Know it on where you're from and what version of
23:11
Speaker 1: Elder scrolls are playing?
23:12
Speaker 3: Stop it no, all right, we're going fast.
23:15
Speaker 1: And so I had that was three back so because
23:19
Speaker 1: again because he is a boy king, there is this
23:23
Speaker 1: vacuum of power post assassination, and what we see is
23:29
Speaker 1: the emergence of three would be Usubu families, the Critons,
23:34
Speaker 1: the Livingstones, the Douglasses, and they they want to take
23:39
Speaker 1: control of the young king, to guide him and financially
23:42
Speaker 1: decideline him so that they can be the power behind
23:46
Speaker 1: the throne.
23:47
Speaker 3: We've been talking about that from the top of the episode.
23:49
Speaker 2: Now we're getting a little more insight into like a
23:51
Speaker 2: specific example of this kind of behind the scenes machinations.
23:56
Speaker 3: Right, Canary, did I use you, Canary? Right? I think
23:59
Speaker 3: I did? You did?
24:00
Speaker 2: Think it's a political it means politically secret kind of
24:03
Speaker 2: sneaky political maneuvers.
24:05
Speaker 1: He also did some actions we would consider scurrilous. So
24:11
Speaker 1: he all right, So it's it's the game of throat stuff, right,
24:14
Speaker 1: the game of houses as they call it, a wheel
24:17
Speaker 1: of time in that series. You hurt with one hand,
24:20
Speaker 1: you caress with another, and you manage these people, you
24:25
Speaker 1: manipulate them. So James assumes his royal duties. Ak actually
24:29
Speaker 1: starts doing his job when he gets married in fourteen
24:33
Speaker 1: forty nine. Here's how he consolidates stuff. Some people he
24:37
Speaker 1: makes a truce with, He negotiates with the Douglas family.
24:41
Speaker 1: But then some other families, like the living students, he
24:44
Speaker 1: just straight almost read weddings them like he dispossesses them.
24:49
Speaker 2: Of all their land, right, I mean, and you're not
24:52
Speaker 2: joking when you say they we read wedding to them.
25:02
Speaker 2: He literally stabbed Old William, the eighth Earl of Douglas
25:07
Speaker 2: a bunch of times, and then he took all of
25:11
Speaker 2: their stuff, including demolishing, absolutely destroying the Douglas castles, and
25:17
Speaker 2: took control of all of their vast landholdings in the States.
25:22
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and that's how the game is played, folks.
25:27
Speaker 1: This also is a huge financial boom for James, and he.
25:32
Speaker 3: Gets a little big for his breeches.
25:33
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm pretty good at this ruthless monarch stuff.
25:37
Speaker 3: So he looks over at.
25:38
Speaker 1: England and he he kind of has a hold my
25:42
Speaker 1: beer moment and he says, you know what, maybe maybe
25:45
Speaker 1: those folks down south could use a little James.
25:47
Speaker 3: And he's got James. Yeah, I picture of using his
25:52
Speaker 3: name as a verb.
25:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, but who will know which James he's talking about.
25:56
Speaker 1: That's just such a that's such a douchey frat boy
25:58
Speaker 1: thing to do. Like, hey, baby, you want to get
26:01
Speaker 1: James got changed?
26:03
Speaker 3: I could mean so many different things. It's a lot,
26:05
Speaker 3: it's a lot.
26:06
Speaker 2: So now, newly puffed up and emboldened, James moves on
26:11
Speaker 2: to phase two of his plan.
26:12
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, phase two. This is what.
26:16
Speaker 1: Leads to his unfortunate and back to our pal Samantha Aerosmith,
26:21
Speaker 1: he is taking advantage of chaos. He's very little finger
26:24
Speaker 1: about some of these things now, because he came up
26:26
Speaker 1: in that sort of.
26:27
Speaker 2: Game Scotland's relatively chill, comparatively chill when looking at England.
26:32
Speaker 1: Well, especially now right because it's the war of the
26:35
Speaker 1: Wars of the Roses. People who maybe just watch the
26:38
Speaker 1: show Game of Thrones don't know this, but the author
26:41
Speaker 1: of the books the show is based.
26:43
Speaker 3: On, George R. R.
26:44
Speaker 1: Martin, pretty much based his long series Song of Ice
26:47
Speaker 1: and Fire exactly on the Wars of the Roses.
26:50
Speaker 3: And I don't really know a lot of the historical details.
26:54
Speaker 3: I'm sure it does. And you know, obviously, despite how.
26:57
Speaker 2: Complicated seeming a lot of the Game of Thrones stuff
26:59
Speaker 2: is, at least in the books and the show too, the
27:01
Speaker 2: real history is even more complex. So he's taking advantage
27:05
Speaker 2: of you just know that basically they're in chaos. There's
27:08
Speaker 2: all kinds of chicanery going on behind the scenes, and
27:12
Speaker 2: you know, vuying for succession. It really is just think
27:15
Speaker 2: of the simplified version as the Game of Thrones plot.
27:18
Speaker 2: So he's taking advantage of all of this. You're right
27:20
Speaker 2: about the little Finger thing. He's looking at all this
27:22
Speaker 2: chaos as a ladder, you know, for me to climb
27:25
Speaker 2: and get what's mine.
27:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, And just to be clear, at this point,
27:31
Speaker 1: he's not really thinking of the greater good of the
27:34
Speaker 1: people of Scotland.
27:36
Speaker 3: He is thinking of himself exactly.
27:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, despite being the King of Scots, you know, the
27:40
Speaker 2: Scots Secretary, he's.
27:42
Speaker 1: Kind of like the King of James. So anyway, he says,
27:47
Speaker 1: we're going to take back Roxburgh Castle, which was held
27:51
Speaker 1: by the English at the time in this fourteen sixty
27:53
Speaker 1: So he says, all right, guys, not gonna lie to you.
27:56
Speaker 1: This is going to be uphill. It's going to be
27:57
Speaker 1: a long siege. So he brings a big, big army.
28:01
Speaker 1: They have a lot of artillery, and they have what's
28:04
Speaker 1: sort of his nuclear weapon at the time, his biggest gun,
28:08
Speaker 1: a huge cannon, a bombard cannon called the Lion.
28:12
Speaker 3: It's his favorite.
28:14
Speaker 1: Piece of armament and he wants to show it off
28:17
Speaker 1: to the Earl of Huntley. And we're getting this story
28:21
Speaker 1: from a chronicler who comes later named Robert Lindsay. And
28:25
Speaker 1: the way Robert Lindsay writes it is that James basically said, hey, bro,
28:30
Speaker 1: come look at my gun. He went down and he
28:32
Speaker 1: stood next to the Lion, like the way you would pose
28:36
Speaker 1: in front of a statue for Instagram selfie. I'm said,
28:40
Speaker 1: we're an audio podcast because some physical comedy.
28:43
Speaker 3: And so here's why.
28:43
Speaker 2: I have my fist on my hip Mick Jagger style
28:46
Speaker 2: and one leg up on the base of the statue
28:49
Speaker 2: with my other arm resting on.
28:50
Speaker 3: It, you know.
28:51
Speaker 1: And yeah, there's someone else who's got like they're pretending,
28:55
Speaker 1: you know, they've got the cannon between their legs and
28:57
Speaker 1: they're like a look at my original. But anyway, whatever
29:01
Speaker 1: he was doing, he's very close to this and he's
29:03
Speaker 1: bragging to the Earl of Huntley and then the lion explode.
29:09
Speaker 2: Goes off baby with the bang. Oh my god, really quickly.
29:13
Speaker 2: I hadn't seen this done quite this well until very recently.
29:17
Speaker 2: But in the new show, the new version of Showgun,
29:20
Speaker 2: there is a sequence no spoilers, just just happens at
29:23
Speaker 2: some point, and I can tell you who the parties
29:25
Speaker 2: are involved, where some people have occasion to get exploded
29:28
Speaker 2: by some cannon fire and it is gnarly. You're getting
29:32
Speaker 2: your limbs knocked off, you're getting eviscerated. I mean, those
29:35
Speaker 2: things tear through flesh, like to quote Mandy, like a
29:39
Speaker 2: fat kid through cake. And it's pretty insane. What can
29:43
Speaker 2: happen with that?
29:44
Speaker 3: Kind of stuff. So what happens to our boy James.
29:47
Speaker 1: According to Robert Lindsay, his thigh bone was dug in
29:52
Speaker 1: too with a piece of misframe. The guy that's breaking
29:56
Speaker 1: shooting by the witch. He was stricting to the ground
29:59
Speaker 1: and died hostile.
30:00
Speaker 2: Oh he died so very hostily, a very unfortunate and too.
30:05
Speaker 2: I mean maybe maybe appropriate actually because he was such
30:10
Speaker 2: a you know, warhawk, right.
30:12
Speaker 1: Right, and he's only twenty nine years old, and this
30:15
Speaker 1: is an ugly way.
30:16
Speaker 2: To go, right And basically he's saying his leg was
30:19
Speaker 2: exploded off his body, is what he's said, right right,
30:22
Speaker 2: His thigh bone was hewn in twain.
30:25
Speaker 1: So he bled out, you know, And so he bled
30:29
Speaker 1: out and he was in tremendous page. Oh sure, And
30:32
Speaker 1: this means an unfortunate pattern in some Scottish dynasties. This
30:37
Speaker 1: means that his heir becomes a sentence.
30:41
Speaker 3: To the throne at the age of eight. Oh yeah, gosh.
30:45
Speaker 1: But he's of course, he's not really driving at this point.
30:48
Speaker 1: He's got another pattern of people trying to control the
30:52
Speaker 1: kingdom through him and hold the hagis I just wanted
30:56
Speaker 1: to do that one, you guys.
30:57
Speaker 3: Ever, tried. Hagis absolutely not. It's not that. I'm sure
31:00
Speaker 3: it's not. This is like it's that good either.
31:03
Speaker 2: But there have been a lot of videos making the
31:05
Speaker 2: rounds on social media, like where it's like a like
31:07
Speaker 2: a very bespoke restaurant kind of gourmet spot where they
31:10
Speaker 2: bring out your hags to the table and it's basically
31:13
Speaker 2: like an inflated balloon of meat and they they it's
31:17
Speaker 2: like got steam where it's literally been inflated and you
31:19
Speaker 2: see them pierce it and it deflates like a ball bag.
31:23
Speaker 3: And it's, oh god, it's despicable.
31:26
Speaker 4: Isn't there a place over in Ease a lot of
31:27
Speaker 4: village you can get hagis?
31:28
Speaker 2: You get shepherd Ye, don't you dare compare Shepherd's byways?
31:35
Speaker 3: Go there? Whatever. Yeah, it's just like they do they do.
31:38
Speaker 1: They like the soccer there technically has is a pudding.
31:43
Speaker 1: I just thought that makes guys, come on, what lackest
31:47
Speaker 1: of puddings? What is life if not to be lived?
31:50
Speaker 1: You guys don't like Robert Burns. That's when they have
31:52
Speaker 1: the haggis. It's on Burns Day anyway, So why are
31:55
Speaker 1: we why are we talking about this? It's because in
31:57
Speaker 1: our exploration here, we realize that we're making this entirely
32:01
Speaker 1: a Scottish King's episode. There are more royal deaths that
32:05
Speaker 1: we're going to return to in Royal Deaths Part five.
32:08
Speaker 1: But I think we found a very troubling pattern of
32:13
Speaker 1: getting to the throne a little too young, haven't we,
32:16
Speaker 1: And we've been dying too young to be honest?
32:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, well again, you know, just this is basically the
32:21
Speaker 2: selfie that killed you know. I mean, just also be
32:25
Speaker 2: careful around live ammunition when taking your Instagram cloud videos,
32:30
Speaker 2: or when.
32:30
Speaker 1: Bragging to your earls, your earl friends and your entourage.
32:34
Speaker 1: And there are many, many, many more ridiculous mishaps in
32:41
Speaker 1: the history of various monarchies, which we will return to.
32:45
Speaker 1: Slight spoiler, We're gonna talk about a King John in
32:49
Speaker 1: the future. We're going to talk about a couple of
32:52
Speaker 1: other monarchs you may not have heard of, and we're
32:55
Speaker 1: going to travel to the Near East and the Ottoman Empire.
33:00
Speaker 1: So excited, it's so weird.
33:02
Speaker 3: And in the meantime, we've.
33:04
Speaker 1: Got to give a big, big thanks to We've got
33:06
Speaker 1: to give big, big thanks to our pal Kevin.
33:10
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, Kevin's the best.
33:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, Kevin and the listener to the show, who we
33:16
Speaker 2: got to meet in person in LA yesterday for the
33:19
Speaker 2: very first.
33:19
Speaker 3: Time and it was a lot of fun. We had
33:20
Speaker 3: a good time.
33:21
Speaker 2: Also, Big thanks to super producer and research Associate Extraordinariy
33:25
Speaker 2: Max Von Williams.
33:28
Speaker 1: First of his name, and some say he's the favorite Williams,
33:31
Speaker 1: but that's up to history, isn't it. Big thanks of
33:35
Speaker 1: course to Alex Williams who composed this track. Big thanks
33:38
Speaker 1: to Jonathan Strickland Ak the Quister, A j Bahama, Jacobs,
33:43
Speaker 1: heyk the Puzzler.
33:45
Speaker 2: Given everybody nicknames absolutely as it should be held.
33:49
Speaker 3: Are we going to keep them all straight? Which is
33:50
Speaker 3: they're all named James?
33:52
Speaker 4: Right?
33:52
Speaker 1: Secretly everybody we're thanking in the credits is named James,
33:56
Speaker 1: including Eves Jeffcot whose real first name is James.
34:01
Speaker 3: She'll love that one.
34:02
Speaker 2: We'll see you next time, folks. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
34:13
Speaker 2: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
34:16
Speaker 2: to your favorite shows.