Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #61| 11 Ways to Say No Effortlessly & Guilt Free, To Stop People Pleasing
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: If you want to say no but don't know exactly how to do it, you can just copy and paste one of these 11 examples I'm about to give you in the next email to your boss.
- 0:10Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former overwhelmed working woman and current life coach.
- 0:27Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:39Michelle Gauthier: Hello, friend, and thank you so much for joining.
- 0:43Michelle Gauthier: As a life coach, I coach a lot of people who struggle with saying no, and I used to struggle with saying no too.
- 0:49Michelle Gauthier: A lot of times, what I find is that people say yes before they even take the time to figure out if they want to say yes or no.
- 0:55Michelle Gauthier: And if they do manage to say no, they will say no while telling a lie or over explaining or feeling guilty, and none of those are necessary.
- 1:05Michelle Gauthier: So today I'm going to teach you how to figure out if you want to say yes or no, and then how to communicate that very succinctly and firmly.
- 1:12Michelle Gauthier: Just like a handshake, a brief but firm interaction is best when you're saying no.
- 1:18Michelle Gauthier: Okay, let's get into the details.
- 1:21Michelle Gauthier: So, like I mentioned, what I often find is that women especially, and women who are overachievers and really good at things, which are the people - when we are like that, people ask us to do things.
- 1:33Michelle Gauthier: 'Hey, do you want to chair the school auction?
- 1:35Michelle Gauthier: ' 'Hey, do you want to be in charge of this extra committee at work?
- 1:38Michelle Gauthier: ' 'Hey, can you cover so-and-so while they're out?
- 1:40Michelle Gauthier: ' Because you generally can get things done and are very reliable.
- 1:44Michelle Gauthier: So that makes you a good candidate for asks, but that does not mean that you have to be a good candidate for saying yes for everything.
- 1:53Michelle Gauthier: But we get to the point sometimes where we just default to yes, like we don't even know what else to say, or we don't take the time.
- 2:00Michelle Gauthier: So the first step in saying no is to pause and figure out if you want to say yes or if you want to say no.
- 2:08Michelle Gauthier: Now, if someone's asking you in person, if you want to do something and you don't know, or you just need to buy a minute, that's totally okay to say, 'Thank you for asking me, can I get back to you?
- 2:18Michelle Gauthier: ' Or, 'Thanks for asking me.
- 2:20Michelle Gauthier: I'll send you an email later with my response' or whatever it is.
- 2:23Michelle Gauthier: If you need to buy time, that is totally fine.
- 2:27Michelle Gauthier: So I have a little trick that I use in order to figure out if I want to say yes or no, and it's something I teach to all of my clients and have taught on this podcast before, and it's called the Love and Fit test.
- 2:39Michelle Gauthier: So if you want all the full details on this, go back to episode number six, which is the Life-changing Art of Saying No, and you will get all the details on how to use that.
- 2:49Michelle Gauthier: But let me give you just a quick summary, in case you haven't heard that one yet.
- 2:52Michelle Gauthier: The first thing you wanna do when you're doing the Love and Fit test to figure out if you wanna say yes or no is ask yourself, do I love this idea?
- 3:01Michelle Gauthier: So, do I love the idea that's being proposed to me?
- 3:04Michelle Gauthier: Yes or no on that one.
- 3:05Michelle Gauthier: And then, does it fit?
- 3:13Michelle Gauthier: And the fit is, does it fit into the lifestyle, the life that I'm trying to create?
- 3:15Michelle Gauthier: Not, is there space on my calendar for it?
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: So when you use those two questions to decide on your answer, you can get yourself to a yes or a no and sometimes, given that situation, there might be something that you would really love to do, but it just doesn't fit into your lifestyle.
- 3:31Michelle Gauthier: So you're kind of a yes and a no and then you have to decide.
- 3:33Michelle Gauthier: And again, episode number six will give you the details to how to work through all of that.
- 3:38Michelle Gauthier: But what I want you to take away from this particular episode today is that your first step is to pause and ask yourself, do I love this idea and does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create?
- 3:52Michelle Gauthier: So let's take a look at a couple examples and see how they work out with the love and fit test.
- 3:56Michelle Gauthier: So recently, a friend of mine invited me to come to her cabin, and she invited several other friends as well, and it sounded wonderful.
- 4:04Michelle Gauthier: And I asked myself the question do I love this idea?
- 4:07Michelle Gauthier: Yes, indeed, I do.
- 4:08Michelle Gauthier: Does it fit into the lifestyle I'm trying to create?
- 4:12Michelle Gauthier: Yes, it absolutely does.
- 4:13Michelle Gauthier: So that's a yes, yes.
- 4:15Michelle Gauthier: Super simple.
- 4:16Michelle Gauthier: We can just say yes, make the plans and be done with it.
- 4:19Michelle Gauthier: So that's an easy one.
- 4:21Michelle Gauthier: Now let's look at a situation where there's a networking group that I love here where I live in St Louis, called Babes in Business, and they just started offering networking coffees.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: Normally the events are at night.
- 4:32Michelle Gauthier: So I got invited to the first networking coffee and do I love this idea?
- 4:37Michelle Gauthier: Yes.
- 4:38Michelle Gauthier: Does it fit into the lifestyle I'm trying to create?
- 4:41Michelle Gauthier: Yes.
- 4:41Michelle Gauthier: Then I have to check my calendar and I look at my calendar and I'm actually not available at the time that the event is scheduled for.
- 4:49Michelle Gauthier: So in that case I'm going to say no, but it's a lighter, easier no, because it's something that I actually want to do.
- 4:57Michelle Gauthier: Then the third example is let's just say a friend were to ask me hey, now that it's summer, I'm going to work out at night, at 8 o'clock at night, and I'm going to do swimming.
- 5:08Michelle Gauthier: Now, for me, do I absolutely love that idea?
- 5:12Michelle Gauthier: No, I do not like swimming, I do not like doing really anything at eight o'clock at night, except for being in my pajamas and laying on my couch.
- 5:19Michelle Gauthier: So that would just be a good solid no for me.
- 5:22Michelle Gauthier: So we've got two examples.
- 5:24Michelle Gauthier: One's a yes for my friend's cabin, that one's off the list now, that one's good to go.
- 5:28Michelle Gauthier: Then we've got a no that is sort of a tentative, I wish I could, but I can't, no.
- 5:38Michelle Gauthier: And then we have just a good solid no and I'm never going to change my mind and I do not want to do that, type of no.
- 5:41Michelle Gauthier: So now that we know what those are, let's think about how to communicate those.
- 5:46Michelle Gauthier: So the first rule in saying no, actually communicating the no, is to just not lie.
- 5:52Michelle Gauthier: Because when we lie about it, like, if you say, let's think about the swimming example, 'Oh I just I really wish I could do it, but I have my daughter's horse lessons until eight o'clock', or whatever it is, that's not true.
- 6:06Michelle Gauthier: I will be home by eight o'clock.
- 6:08Michelle Gauthier: That's not the reason why I don't want to do it.
- 6:10Michelle Gauthier: Then one day you just happen to like run into that friend at eight o'clock and she knows that you're not where you said you were going to be, and then you just feel yucky and guilty and there's just no reason to lie about it.
- 6:22Michelle Gauthier: It's okay if you don't like swimming and if you don't like doing things at eight o'clock at night, like I don't, that's totally fine.
- 6:28Michelle Gauthier: So when I think about what the truth is, the truth is just simply I don't want to do it, I just don't.
- 6:35Michelle Gauthier: And then, if we look at the other example, the truth is I really wish that I could go to that networking event, but I can't.
- 6:43Michelle Gauthier: So that's really easy, just to tell the truth.
- 6:45Michelle Gauthier: The problem is that we use that kind of no, like the I wish I could, but I can't, kind of no so often for things that are really just a no no.
- 6:55Michelle Gauthier: And the problem that happens when you do that is, first of all, you open up discussion for doing it another time, and normally because I think humans are nice, they try to accommodate whatever it is that you say.
- 7:08Michelle Gauthier: So for example, if I were to say, 'Oh, I really wish I could join that swimming club thing at eight o'clock at night, but this week is just really booked and we're going to be out of town the next week'.
- 7:19Michelle Gauthier: 'Oh, okay, well, then I'll text you in two weeks and see if you can make it with me then'.
- 7:24Michelle Gauthier: Or maybe if she sees that there's another time, maybe in the morning, where people could swim, she'll be like, 'Oh hey, do you want to try the morning one instead?
- 7:32Michelle Gauthier: ' If I don't just tell the truth and say that I don't want to do it, I've completely left myself open to have to continue to say no.
- 7:41Michelle Gauthier: So when you say no, you want to say it again firmly, tell the truth, and just make it a final no.
- 7:52Michelle Gauthier: So let's look at some examples of actual wording that we can use in both of these situations.
- 7:57Michelle Gauthier: Let's first look at the networking example.
- 8:00Michelle Gauthier: So the truth of this one is I would like to go, I definitely would like to go, but I can't.
- 8:05Michelle Gauthier: So in that situation, here are some things that you could actually say: 'It's not a good time for me now, but let's look ahead in our calendars and see when we can plan something'.
- 8:16Michelle Gauthier: Or, 'I can't do that one, but when is the next one?
- 8:19Michelle Gauthier: ' Or, 'I love the idea that you're doing these coffees and I hope I can make one in the future'.
- 8:25Michelle Gauthier: 'I can't, but here's another option for you - Maybe you and I could go to coffee on our own' to the person who is offering the invitation.
- 8:34Michelle Gauthier: So that kind of no, the I can't, but I wish I could, kind of no, make sure that you really mean it, so that when you say those words, you can make the next step.
- 8:44Michelle Gauthier: You can say like, for example, what she told me was when the next one was and I signed up for the next one.
- 8:51Michelle Gauthier: That's two months out, problem solved, I've got my Love and Fit test in order and I can make the next one.
- 8:56Michelle Gauthier: So that is no big deal.
- 8:58Michelle Gauthier: Now here come the problematic no's in my experience, the no's that nobody really wants to say.
- 9:04Michelle Gauthier: Let's think just for a second why we don't want to just say no.
- 9:09Michelle Gauthier: Ask yourself that question.
- 9:11Michelle Gauthier: Like, why don't I want to say no?
- 9:12Michelle Gauthier: Okay, I'm going to try to read your mind here.
- 9:16Michelle Gauthier: Usually what people say is, I don't want to let people down, I feel guilty if I say no, or I feel like I should, or if I don't do it, nobody's going to do it.
- 9:30Michelle Gauthier: So just notice if you have one of those thoughts before you say no, and look and see in your brain if you're thinking one of those thoughts.
- 9:39Michelle Gauthier: Is that really true and is that really my responsibility?
- 9:43Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, if you get asked to lead the school auction and you don't want to do it but you feel like, well, if I don't do it, nobody's going to do it, or nobody's going to do as good of a job as I am, check and see if that's really true.
- 9:59Michelle Gauthier: It could be true that someone else could make an amazing thing out of that opportunity, totally differently than you might have.
- 10:07Michelle Gauthier: And also, it's not your responsibility.
- 10:10Michelle Gauthier: You are not in charge of the whole world.
- 10:12Michelle Gauthier: So first, before you get this hesitation about saying no, just look inside your head and see what kind of thoughts your brain is offering about why you can't or shouldn't say no, and see if they're really true - and here's a tip for you: they're never really true.
- 10:25Michelle Gauthier: And then, get ready, brace yourself, and just say no.
- 10:30Michelle Gauthier: Remember, we are going to tell the truth.
- 10:32Michelle Gauthier: We're going to tell the truth kindly, we're going to say it firmly, and then we're not going to over-explain.
- 10:38Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, talking about the swimming situation, 'Oh, I'm going to pass, but thank you for asking.
- 10:46Michelle Gauthier: ' Period.
- 10:47Michelle Gauthier: See, weren't you kind of waiting for me to be like, I'm not much of a swimmer, I don't like to do things at night, etc.
- 10:52Michelle Gauthier: We just have this tendency to over-explain.
- 10:54Michelle Gauthier: You don't have to explain, it's okay if you just don't want to do something.
- 10:58Michelle Gauthier: Another great one is 'I'm actually just as busy as I'd like to be right now, so I'm going to say no'.
- 11:04Michelle Gauthier: I love that one, because everyone gets to decide what their amount of busy is.
- 11:09Michelle Gauthier: And some people feel like, well, if I have any white space on my calendar, I have to say yes, but I hold lots of white space in my calendar and I also say no because that's the way that I like it.
- 11:20Michelle Gauthier: So 'I'm just as busy as I'd like to be right now, so I'm going to say no'.
- 11:24Michelle Gauthier: 'I'm going to have to exert my no muscle on this one', or you can just blame me.
- 11:30Michelle Gauthier: If you listen to this podcast, then you can consider me your life coach and you can say, 'My life coach told me that I need to say no more to feel less overwhelmed, so I'm going to try it.
- 11:38Michelle Gauthier: So no, I can't.
- 11:40Michelle Gauthier: '
- 11:41Michelle Gauthier: You could also say, 'I'm learning to limit my commitments'.
- 11:44Michelle Gauthier: You could say, 'I'm not taking on new things'.
- 11:47Michelle Gauthier: Or you could say, 'That's more time commitment than our family could do right now', or, 'That's more time commitment than I could do right now'.
- 11:56Michelle Gauthier: You can also just say, 'Oh, no, thanks!' Again, just that pause of like oh, what's she gonna say next?
- 12:05Michelle Gauthier: You can just say 'No, thanks!, or, 'I'm gonna pass' or, 'Nah', or, 'That's not my cup of tea', or, 'I'm not the girl for that job', or anything you wanna say that feels true and firmly communicates no, without a lot of explanation.
- 12:23Michelle Gauthier: I hope you get a request today that you want to say no to, so that you can practice this.
- 12:27Michelle Gauthier: So just remember three steps.
- 12:29Michelle Gauthier: Number one, figure out if you want to say yes or no.
- 12:31Michelle Gauthier: Do that using the Love and Fit test.
- 12:34Michelle Gauthier: Number two, this is the part where you communicate the no.
- 12:38Michelle Gauthier: You communicate it by telling the truth, telling it kindly, being firm and don't over- explain.
- 12:47Michelle Gauthier: And if you need the actual wording, go look at the transcript, copy and paste some of these, and just keep them close, maybe in a document on your desktop or your laptop or your phone or wherever you keep these things, so that when it comes up you're like, oh shoot, I want to say no, but I'm not sure exactly what to say.
- 13:02Michelle Gauthier: Just borrow one of those, use one of those, and let me know how it goes.
- 13:06Michelle Gauthier: You know, there's this cool new feature now where you can send me a text.
- 13:10Michelle Gauthier: I would absolutely love to know which one of these ways to say no is your favorite and especially if you use it, how it goes.
- 13:16Michelle Gauthier: That would be wonderful.
- 13:17Michelle Gauthier: Shoot me a message, I'd love to see it.
- 13:22Michelle Gauthier: Okay, now let's go on to our last segment, which is Michelle's tip for Doing Less for More Success.
- 13:28Michelle Gauthier: Here is one way that I save a lot of time and distraction: turn off all the notifications on your phone.
- 13:45Michelle Gauthier: My phone absolutely never rings.
- 13:48Michelle Gauthier: I do not get notifications on Facebook or Instagram or whatever other apps that I have on my phone.
- 13:56Michelle Gauthier: I only check my phone when I check my phone.
- 14:00Michelle Gauthier: Now you might think, 'But what if someone really needs to get a hold of me?
- 14:04Michelle Gauthier: ' Okay, if my kids are gone or something, and I think one of them might need to reach out to me, I'll turn on my ringer on my phone.
- 14:10Michelle Gauthier: But other than that, by nature now it's just built- in that we pick our phone up enough times.
- 14:16Michelle Gauthier: And studies have even shown that when you have notifications on and you get a text and it pops up on your screen, that your body sometimes feels like it's an emergency and like you need to look at it really quickly and react to it when, like, the last text I just got was an ad for nail polish.
- 14:33Michelle Gauthier: Not an emergency not at all.
- 14:35Michelle Gauthier: If you do this, you will majorly minimize the distraction time that you get from jumping every time your phone makes a sound or puts a notification on your screen.
- 14:47Michelle Gauthier: Give it a try.
- 14:48Michelle Gauthier: Let me know how much time you think you're saving with that.
- 14:51Michelle Gauthier: Okay, one more piece of news for you is that group coaching, my group coaching, which is called The Good Life, is going to be open for registration starting in July.
- 15:02Michelle Gauthier: So I know we're a little bit out from that, but I wanted to tell you right now because the waitlist is open now.
- 15:10Michelle Gauthier: If you get on the waitlist now, you will be the first to be notified when it's open, and you will also get a special bonus that is only for people who are on the waitlist, and that is a free coaching session with me.
- 15:21Michelle Gauthier: So a one-on-one coaching session with me, which is worth $250 normally.
- 15:25Michelle Gauthier: So you'll get a free bonus if you end up joining group coaching, and you're on the waitlist, that is what you will get.
- 15:32Michelle Gauthier: Over the next couple of weeks, you're going to hear interviews from some of my group coaching clients and hear about some of the transformations that they've made.
- 15:40Michelle Gauthier: I can't wait for you to hear these, because there's so much good information that you can take and apply to your life as well.
- 15:47Michelle Gauthier: So keep in the loop for that.
- 15:49Michelle Gauthier: Get on the waitlist now so that you are the first to be notified when it is open for registration.
- 15:55Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 15:56Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.
- 15:56Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 16:07Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.
- 16:10Michelle Gauthier: com.
- 16:11Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.