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250. The Negatives And Positives About Adding Sex Toys To Your Intimate Life · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today we are going to discuss the negatives and positives of adding bedroom toys to your marriage.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: I think this is going to be a really good episode.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Amy and I talk about this often and we get a lot of people asking questions about this, and I think adding bedroom toys can be a really good thing, but I think if you're not careful, it could also be a negative.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, don't you think?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Absolutely?
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and there's a lot of couples like think, if you're not careful could also be a negative?
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: absolutely, don't you think?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: And there's a lot of couples like us that were completely against them.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I I'm not sure why.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it was the way we were raised, or we were just thought they were inappropriate or we had, I guess, in my mind growing up and first getting married, I thought toys were too kinky.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure, that's exactly what I was going to say, and I didn't like even look into it, so I didn't even really know what, what they even looked like, yeah, toys are for like people that are like sex addicts and have to get crazy and different things like that, and I I have completely changed my mindset on that just because of the great impact it's been on our marriage.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and like if you have listened to our podcast before, where we kind of talk about this beforehand, I think it took us what 15 years to even try one.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Right, and we'll get into that.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: We'll get into the details a little bit more, not too many details, but just why they've been marriage changing, but why so many people still are against them and and I could kind of see why, if you had that mindset about them, that could happen well, and I think too until you try something, you really don't know the impact, right?
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: you just have a certain perception of what it is and what it's going to be like and things like that, and then once, once you try something at least for us we're like, oh my heck, this is like a game changer.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: But again, I think I think it is one of those things that you have to be very careful with, because if it just like anything else, something good can be used for something good and it can be used for something bad, and I think this is one of those cases where you just there are some negative things about it or could be some negative things if you're not careful, but there's many positive things as well, and so that's what we're going to discuss today.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: In today's podcast, we're going to dive into the negatives and the positives of adding a bedroom toy to the bedroom, because there are a lot of people that contact us and say, hey, I you know, because of the way I grew up, I just don't know if this is right or I don't feel good about it.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Or you know, we get.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: We get everything across the board, and our job today isn't to tell you yes or no?
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: or what to do or what not to do.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: It's just to open your mind and get you thinking about what could potentially be really good for your marriage.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Or really bad if you have a certain personality.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: And so we'll talk about the negatives first.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: We want to always end with the positives and, like we said, we're not trying to sway, because that's why we're talking about the negatives and the positives and then after we're also going to talk about boundaries.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: If you do decide that a toy can be positive, or you've already implemented toys into your marriage, boundaries that if you haven't set already probably should talk about, like how to keep them healthy right, because we're all about healthy marriage.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: But before we dive in, we just sent out a newsletter and I think this is a good thing to just hit briefly on, Because I think there are so many women that feel or felt like Amy did and I think this podcast can really help resolve that issue.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: But we just sent out a newsletter talking about how Amy and I had a discussion, I don't know a while ago, maybe a year or so ago.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Probably a year ago, two years ago, but talking about how we just got into it and Amy's like you know I enjoy sex, but it's such a short period of enjoyment for me it's hard for me to want to get into it and take the time.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: And you know we got talking about how it feels good to me the whole time, but it only feels good to her a very, very short period of time, very, very short period of time.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: So one of the things we talked about is like okay, how do we get you, how do we get your body to enjoy sexual intimacy as much as I enjoy it, for as long as you can enjoy it, right?
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: And so that's kind of what we're trying to figure out, and so that's why we implemented a bedroom toy in in our lovemaking is because it really helps Amy feel, I guess, physically enjoyment most of the time or the whole time, right, and we actually just found another product that we'll talk about.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: That's just been amazing.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: And so if you're a woman out there that feels the same way, that's like oh, it's just too much work, I don't enjoy it, or I have a hard time having an orgasm and I feel like it's just for my husband, then this is an episode you're absolutely going to want to listen to, for sure so let's dive in first okay, hold on.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I want to start before we even dive into the negatives.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to ask Nick a question on the spot.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Why were you hesitant?
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say against because we had never really discussed it, but why were you hesitant?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say against because we had never really discussed it, but why were you hesitant, as a man, to bring in a toy?
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: And I think a lot, a lot of reason I'm bringing this up is because this is going to go with our negatives, but I think a lot of husbands who haven't brought in a toy is going to agree with you yeah, my biggest concern is that she would love the toy.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: Uh, but I couldn't.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: I couldn't compete with the toy, that the toy was gonna be way better than me and it would turn into more of like she would enjoy the toy and maybe enjoy less of me or less of the lovemaking which is, like every husband's thought, probably right yeah, like absolutely, because a husband, he wants to be the one to be able to perform and provide fulfillment and pleasure, and if it's I don't know, if I guess, if it's something else that really steps up and helps that you could.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: My my concern was you would enjoy the toy more than me it would become a replacement.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: It'd become a replacement and that's the whole point of our podcast on toys.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Whether you are against or for, we firmly believe it should never be a replacement.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: We're not into solo stuff in our marriage.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: We we believe that toys should only be used together as an aid to make intimacy even better, but never replace and never take away that um unity and that oneness that sexual intimacy is supposed to bring right.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: So I just wanted to get I wanted to make that up clear that no matter where you feel on the scale with toys or against toys, we firmly believe and and this is why we sell them is we want it's changed our marriage in an intimate way so that I'm enjoying it physically as much as he is, but it's only used together and we'll get into the more of that.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: But and you probably have already heard us say that- and the question Amy and I always ask is does it bring us closer together as a couple?
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: If we can answer yes, and it's an honest yes, then both of us, yes, yeah.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Then it's probably a good thing if it doesn't bring us closer together as a couple, and so I think that question can apply with everything we're talking about today, in every single positive and every single negative.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Does it bring you closer together as a couple or does it take you further apart?
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Are you using toys on your own?
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: Obviously, that's not bringing you closer together as a couple.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: So think about that question while we talk about all the negatives and the positive aspects, and then determine if maybe this is something that could really help your marriage as well.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: So let's jump into the negatives.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: So I think the first one would be dependency or reliance on vibrators, that that comes with using a, and not even just vibrators or toys.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: That comes with probably more of a mental side, would you say.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah where you're like oh, if we don't have a vibrator, I'm not even going to enjoy it, right?
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: And that could be.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: That obviously can be a negative, because that's not necessarily the case of lovemaking.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: It doesn't always have to be ending with an orgasm, it doesn't always have to be with an orgasm, it doesn't always have to be.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, obviously that's ideal, but and there's plenty of ways to be intimate without doing the normal intercourse or sex right yeah, and I, and I think if you're not careful, you can become over reliant and over dependent on a vibrator or a tour for sure, I think you can, but for amy and I, and and I don't want to jump ahead but we've found a great aid that works phenomenal.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: But I don't worry about that as much because we're using it together and we're making love, right, right.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: So it's not like a toy that she's going and using independently and things like that.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and we'll get into a couple of toys.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I think we'll focus more on the positive aspects of the toys that we recommend, or what has been really helpful and why.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: But we'll just go over.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Number two would be more like performance pressure, the pressure feeling like certain standards that maybe using toys lead like, probably more for a man, like feeling inadequate because the toy can do things that maybe you can't, and that's why we always that's why we call them A's is because if you get the right aid in the bedroom, it's helping it be better, it's not replacing your spouse.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: I was going to say.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: I actually feel like the opposite of that, because for a lot of men, if if they finish before their wife does, then they really feel bad because they're like what do I do right, like I physically am done, I can't really, you know and sometimes manual doesn't work right yeah and there are times where, like, if Amy's close and I finish first, like I literally can use the toy together to within 30 seconds, take care of her, yeah.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: And there are some times that so to me it actually reduces any performance issues and I actually feel like for me it's a positive because I don't have to worry about if we don't go at the same time or I finish before you do, because I'm like, oh, I can easily take care of her within 20 or 30 seconds so and I think that comes down to personality and mindset, because if you, if you look at it as that toy or that bedroom aid taking place of you and having a negative attitude on that, like, oh, she's gonna like that, better you're, you're confident enough to be like, okay, she likes that a lot, but I'm still using I'm still the person that's using that to help her find that pleasure, and I think that comes down to, like, personality.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: We're talking negatives right now, right, so if you're the personality where you're worried about having those jealous feelings, like that can take care of her, but I can't on my own, that's gonna that's gonna cause a little bit of rift yeah, and like I said before, the first like that was one of my concerns is would the toy replace it?
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: but to me this is actually, like I said, actually a positive for me, because we're making love the whole time, right, so who cares if, for 20 or 30 seconds, I have to use something to to get over the finish line?
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: so to speak and I think it's important for husbands to remember that most women what was the 80 percent of women cannot have an orgasm through penetration alone.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: So adding in an aid to the clitoris during penetration is going to change sexual intimacy for 80% of women.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: So in this mindset, if you're like, okay, she's gonna turn to the toy, she's gonna like the toy more if you're using it as an aid on the clitoris, but you still can have normal penetrative sex, that's not really taking away from you right, I totally agree, totally agree.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: So, okay, the next one I want to talk about is emotional distance in a marriage during intimacy.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: And if you are using toys excessively and if it turns into an all-pleasure-focused experience, that's going to take away from the emotional connection and that's what we do not want.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Right, we don't want bedroom toys to ever take away the emotional aspect of it, of the like we said already, the uniting, the intimate part of being intimate the kissing, the hugging, the holding each other, the the toy.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Toys are never supposed to replace that intimate part.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: So I think that when we talk about these negatives, it all comes down to communication Like how do you feel like this?
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: And if, if, if a husband I hope Nick, if he was feeling like this is becoming more of a replacement, or I'm feeling these, these certain feelings against these toys, or this is how this is affecting me.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I would hope that a couple would discuss that.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Discuss that, because the entire point of sexual intimacy and like husbands always tell us sexual intimacy to them is that emotional aspect for them.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: They want it to be emotional, they want the wife to enjoy it but emotionally connect with them.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: That's where they feel that.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: So I think it's very important to make sure that that emotional side stays.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: What if you're using toys, right?
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: yeah, for sure um.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: The next one we want to talk about was decreased sensitivity, and this one kind of shocked me because it was talking about if you use toys too much and you get um, what's the word?
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: kind of almost like an addiction like an addiction to the toy, where your body and your mind almost starts thinking I can't have an orgasm.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: We didn't bring the toy tonight.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to lie Like I felt that sometimes where we've gone like on an overnight or something and the vibrator wasn't charging and my first thought is like oh my gosh, I might not be able to have an orgasm tonight.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: That's not a good place to be right, but I think you can control that and and that means not always bringing them out or finding one that you both feel okay with and having a backup that if this one's okay to use all the time because it helps in all these ways, or I think it's important that you well, and I think, if you're obviously, if you're using them on a daily basis or something, I could see that happening right.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Right, but if you have, if you're using them on a daily basis or something, I could see that happening.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: Right, Right, but if you have, if you have some time in between to build up and things like that, then I think you know you're, you're probably okay.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: But I think this is another conversation to be had, like when do we pull the toy out?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Do we want it at the beginning?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Do we want to try not using it tonight?
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Do we want to?
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean and just make sure that there's a healthy balance there yeah, for sure, and I think I mean yeah, no, I think that's a great point, yeah right, we want our.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: We have to be careful about our minds too, because sometimes, like anything else, like you said, can be an addiction, but we also get so focused mentally on things that it kind of changes the whole dynamic.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: So that takes good conversation and just being aware, I think yeah, and I'm being aware it also like overstimulation, right, like overstimulating the body.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: You just have to be careful that everything we're talking about is just like, obviously, just like anything else if you eat too much food, you're going to gain weight.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: If you, you know, drink too much, all these things are going to have side effects.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: So everything we're talking about is like within a healthy you know, healthy relationship and not not overusing things, right?
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: Which we'll get into boundaries at the end, but yeah, and I think you know one of the other things is also that one of the negatives can be like nerve damage.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: Obviously If you're utilizing these things way too much, there can be negative effects to that.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I don't see, I mean, I don't, that's never really crossed my mind or never been an issue because we are.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: We make love a couple times a week, right?
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: it's not every day and we're not always bringing out the toy.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I think you just have to be careful, yeah but I like the next one.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: You just hit on psychological factor of kind of getting dependent on using them and you're like, oh, if you didn, you didn't, if you forgot it or it's not charged, am I going to be able to have an orgasm?
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: I almost think it's maybe healthy to occasionally take some time and do different things, maybe without it to not be reliant on them not be reliant rely on it, right.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: And you know know, I mean maybe we haven't, maybe we haven't done as good a job on that as we should.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: But you know, I don't know well, when we get into the positives, like I think, being reliant, like you don't want to be reliant on it, but if it's really helping your I don't know your intimacy all the time like I'm not against that.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: The next one is unrealistic expectations.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I I think this is where it comes down to what you've been taught, what you believe about toys.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Um, do you think you're going to buy a toy and then, just all of a sudden, your sex life's just going to be so amazing, right?
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: Like, no, like, even like toys or any other positions or anything you try takes practice, right.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: It takes learning together and I think it takes a healthy relationship to be able to communicate about.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: Did you like this?
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Do we need to use it here?
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Do we need to not use it here?
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Is that too much pressure, like?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I think it's really really important to make sure that you have realistic expectations, that buying a toy is not going always just fix problems.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: It's gonna take communication and experimenting, because the vibrator, when we first tried, when I was like well, that's too much or that's too hard or that that kind of hurts right there.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: Like you have to experiment with each other and be in a good place to really and every every couple is different, like something that might work really well for one couple might not work as well for another couple Right For sure.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Like we're all built differently, we all feel different things, so yeah, it's not kind of a one size fits all.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let's see Relationship imbalance.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I think that toys could create tension or imbalance in a marriage if keyword, if a couple lets it Reading to resentment.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: I think it's important for a wife not to be like grab the toy, grab the toy, I need the toy and make her husband feel like it's about the toy and not about him.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: And I think, once again, this comes down to having a healthy marriage.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think a lot depends on the personality as well.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: Like for me, like, if you're like, hey, grab the toy, it feels better, I'm not going to be offended, I'm going to be like hey, whatever we can do to enjoy, I want you to be sexually intimate more often and more connecting like I'm all about that you know for sure, for sure, and we'll get into boundaries more at the end.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: But should we jump into positives?
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: yeah, last one, I think for negatives is, uh, just um, um, being embarrassed that maybe you use sex toys in your intimacy, or being afraid that someone might see him, or, you know, just having that feeling of being, I guess, maybe a little embarrassed, right that you need to use them or that you use them.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: I got a story for that.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: I think I already shared it in one episode.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: But if you didn't hear that episode, it was a long, long time ago in an old neighborhood and I was going to I can't go get my daughter or something I can't remember, and I knocked on the door and little boy answered and he was like playing with this, like ring, and he was like stretching it and like pushing the button and stuff.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: And I was like what do you have there?
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: And he like shows it to me.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: He's like here, you want to touch it.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: And he had gotten in his mom or dad's, his parents, like toy st, and it was a vibrating ring and he's like look, it's stretches.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: You know, I just started dying of laughter and the mom came to the door and she was so mortified, like bright red.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: So I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I'm like dude, it's, it's cool.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: You, I'm the perfect person to be at the door at this situation, but I I just had to share that because I thought it was so funny.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: But we shouldn't have to be embarrassed that we found something that makes sex awesome as a couple, right exactly like I don't know.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Obviously we don't want our kids to find that those kind of situations happen.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Hope, thank goodness he was little.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I keep telling nick I'm like we gotta do a better job, but like, like lucky, make sure those things are hidden right yeah, teenagers in the house now I'm like I don't need to get into that conversation yeah, we're looking for some lock boxes.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: We can we're gonna sell as well that's our next um goal but, you said you shouldn't be embarrassed about wanting to bring a toy and I just I wanted to hit on that because there's so many women, so many women that have actually come to us and said after I can't even tell you how many years of marriage, I've never had an orgasm before and I'm just like what what you make love to your husband all the time but you never physically really enjoy it like in that way, like that's so sad to me.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: And so a lot of these women have have finally given in and been like, okay, I'm gonna try a toy because I want to learn how to orgasm, because unless you use the right stimulation on the clitoris, most women can't orgasm that easy right, unless they've learned how.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: It's a learned thing and I think one of the things too that, like a sexual aid or toy, can help you learn how to do that.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Like I, I fully believe that if amy and I went and got in bed right now, I could give her an orgasm without the toy.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: It might take longer, but, like I know, the toy kind of taught that though, yeah yeah, exactly like now, I kind of know what's what spot she's sensitive and different things that can be done and things like that, and so actually it can be, you know, helping explore the body and learn what areas are sensitive and about the clitoris and things like that.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: It actually can be a positive thing.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Why do you think the stigma around sex, sex toys I like to call them intimate aids, I like that word better because I think sex toys has a negative well, look at.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: So, not that, not that I'm saying I've looked at a lot of sex toys, but obviously I feel like when people are marketing sex toys or things like that, it's all about like pleasure, pleasure, orgasm, and less less about being intimate, and that's one of the things that Amy and I really try to do.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Is, if you notice, we don't have hundreds of sex toys.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: We don't, we don't have crazy stuff.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we have a few really good items that we've personally tried and we personally use and like, and they're items that can help us be more intimate and bring us closer together, Right, Like, and so that's that's what we really want to focus on is providing things, providing products that can help bring couples closer together.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: It's not just focused on let's just go have the craziest uh, you know night we can and just focus just on crazy things.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: Let's, let's utilize and have tools and things that can help us become more connected and make our intimate intimacy better.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: So yeah, love it.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: So we're gonna talk about the positives yes, I like the positives.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, alright, so the first positive is they can enhance, obviously, sexual pleasure.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Right, like Amy talked about, many women have never even had an orgasm and the majority of women really struggle to have an orgasm during penetration.
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: These can be great sexual aids.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: It just be like buying a good pair of running shoes to help you run, but faster, or buying a, you know whatever.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: Whatever you think about just buying something to help you perform better or do better, it could be buying some taking supplements to help your body feel better.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: This is no different.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Sex aid can really help you enjoy sexual pleasure a lot better, and it has for us.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: I mean no question.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: Right, I don't know how to add to that one.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: The next one is increased intimacy.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I think that exploring some toys, or even just exploring new positions or trying something new together, actually builds a lot of trust between two people for sure yeah I'm gonna call this one increased intimacy and trust, because I think, the more that you can and even sometimes exploration makes you laugh, right, you're like that did not work, that was hilarious, that one's scratched, that one's out that's never happening again.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: But I think that when you can have those kind of those moments where you're like playing around having fun with each other and I want to add, like there's a quote that says, like bedroom time in marriage is like the adult playground, go have fun.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Like that's where marriage should be fun and connecting and and you can laugh and create, I don't know, just that intimate connection and so exactly I think that making stuff fun sometimes take toys.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: So I actually like the word toy in this sense that sometimes it can create a little more fun in the bedroom.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: And if you've been married as long as us, or longer than us, or even just five years or 50 years we've been married 22 almost sometimes you need something to just switch it up a little bit and I think I was so glad that we're not against trying a few things in our marriage now because I'm like I can see why so many women you're 10, you're 15 they're just kind of like same old stuff, don't want to do it.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: I'm out right.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: A lot of people just give up because sex gets boring, intimacy gets boring, it gets less connecting if you get bored.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: But if you can make it fun anymore, we could emotionally connecting and try new things together and really make it kind of your playground or you're well, the key you're hitting on is mutual satisfaction, right yes, so number three, we're gonna say yeah, so it.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: I mean, the biggest benefit, and I think this is the biggest one of all, is mutual satisfaction, helping you both enjoy sexual intimacy as much as you can.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: Right and, as, as we've talked about and hit it over and over again, that's what we were looking for in our relationship and these are really helped us both enjoy sexual intimacy as much as as we can okay.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: So going back to our first story that you shared, when we had a talk a couple years ago or a year ago, whenever, and nick said, why don't you enjoy it as much as me?
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: And I said, because it literally feels good for you the whole time.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: I can tell, and it literally is so much work to get me build up, to get me aroused.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: It takes time.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm tired, it's not worth the work.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: And then it's like if I do have an orgasm, it's 30 seconds or 20 or whatever.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: It feels great.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: But I was like, really, was that 40 minutes?
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel it, doesn't?
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: It didn't feel great those 40 minutes building up like once in a while.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: But then for a woman it's easy to lose and you have to build it back up like it's just a lot more work for us.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I think and I'm just speaking for myself but like when we incorporated the toy, like at the very beginning, like during foreplay, it's like that arousal when you're like focused on the clitoris the entire time, no matter what you're doing.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: It changes the entire like the I how, I don't know how a man would like the intensity, the arousal, like it's good the whole time for you, right?
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: yeah and that changed that for me.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: I was like oh my gosh, the pleasure went from 30 seconds to the full 30 minutes well, and the amazing transformation that I think's happened is now, I would say, you know, roughly 70 of the time she's having one before I am.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: It's true, yeah, so it's like the time she's having one before I am.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: That's true.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: So it's like not only she's obviously enjoying it much more, and so I think I think that's a real positive, I don't think it's a real positive, especially if you're a wife that feels like the foreplay takes too long.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: You're kind of just don't want to go there and it doesn't feel good until the very end or it doesn't feel good at all.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: I think this is a great addition I'm not trying to say I'm not trying to sell anyone on a toy, I'm just saying it's been.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: We can only speak from experience.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: Right, and it was marriage changing for us I was gonna say the only negative, and I don't know that I necessarily would say this is a negative, but a lot of times, like before, we would have a lot more foreplay.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: And now amy's like sorry, I can't last.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: She's like let's just, let's just go.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: We.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: I don't need all this foreplay because she can she can literally start to finish and yeah, you know quicker anyways.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: So I'm not necessarily saying that's negative, but I'm kind of saying that jokingly.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: We don't have as much foreplay.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: So but a lot of men would be fine with that yeah, and a lot of women would be too a lot of women and men would be fine with that.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and a lot of women would be too.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: A lot of women and men would be fine with that.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: If you're not fine with that, then don't.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Well, there's a fix to that.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Don't bring the toy out that soon.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: I guess the point I'm trying to make is sometimes with a toy you don't really need foreplay.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: Well, your foreplay goes quick, it's like from zero to hot in like 30 seconds to hot in like 30 seconds and there's solutions to that.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Don't bring out the toy until you're ready to go quick, that is true or use, or learn the toy and learn how to like edge with a toy, like where it's like hot, and then I'm going to cut back a little bit, then I'm going to go hot again, then I'm going to cut back a little bit, right, like that's probably how a man works, right yeah it's really intense.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: I'm going to hold back because I don't want it to finish yet.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: So, and that leads us to number five, which is exploration.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Expert experimentation right, like you have to learn the toy, like if it's going too quick and you have these conversations.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I wish the foreplay was longer.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: Maybe we don't in well, the great thing is, when you have more tools you can do more things and you can find find more fulfillment, like you had when your toolbox is bigger.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: You have a lot of different options and for amy and I, like we, we don't do a ton of different things like what we've kind of found what works the best which is like two things, yeah, kind of found what, what works the best for both of us and what we both enjoy the best, and we're like this is kind of our go-to thing yeah, absolutely
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: and it's awesome but you have to try several things to be like.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: That's definitely not going in the box and that one's definitely going in the box.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: I hated that one.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I love this one exactly that takes that experimentation right yep um, the next one always comes down to communication, always, always, always, right.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: We don't like, I don't feel this could be negative.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like toys should be stressful, they should create any tension.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: They should only create relaxation, more intimacy and more connection.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Like that's what keeps a toy positive.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: Yep, I totally agree.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: Right, I totally agree.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: I like, um, I think too um the educational opportunity in talking about toys.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: Going back to what I talked about, like it helps you experiment, it helps you learn each other's bodies, what works, what doesn't work.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: You learn so much more about each other's bodies and sexual responses and things like that, and so I think that's a very positive.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: I've learned more about your body than I ever imagined I could have, and I still there's still a lot more I could learn, but, um, I think it just really helps for that yeah, for sure, and of and of course you know, playfulness and fun like incorporating these things like we kind of talked about yeah really enjoyable like, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: You shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying sexual intimacy and I think, for some reason, a lot of people do so let's talk like on the bible standpoint of this.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: If you're christian, there's I don't think there's a whole lot in there that says you can't do this or you can't do this, you can't do this.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: Like what god wants us to do is come together as couples and be intimate.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: Right, like emotionally that, that intimate intimacy right.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: But some couples are like I don't feel like this should replace a body part or whatever the thing that I've always I'm just getting real right here and I'm sure I hope people will chime in if they want to email or whatever I've always felt like why do you not have the body part that takes care of the clitoris?
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: If God gave us this body part that's solely for women for sexual pleasure, but your body part doesn't even like take care of that body part.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: That's solely for women for sexual pleasure, but your body part doesn't even like take care of that body part, like yeah did I even say that right, no, you did.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that sounds kind of lame.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: Why weren't we built with a something in our body part that that hit the clitoris that made sex more, and so a lot of couples are like well, we can't incorporate toys, it's we don't know if we believe in that it's artificial, whatever, and my whole point at year 15 was wait a second, I've got this clitoris.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: god gave me this for sexual pleasure.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: How do I take care of this?
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: This is what feels good to me, but this isn't necessarily what feels good to him, and so the whole fact that we found something that we can use together to make it amazing, like I feel in a religious aspect, like it was a gift from God, yeah Right, like I don't even know how to say that.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: I mean literally, you could use this in every aspect.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: You could say, well, if you wanted us to brush our teeth, he would have invented a toothbrush, if he wanted us to.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: You know, know, we have contact lenses or glasses so we can see better.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Like there's so many things.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: There's so many, so many inventions and things that have come along that have helped us improve our way of life, that have helped us health-wise, that they didn't have back then.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: And and that's what god does is he?
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: He helps people invent things or come up with solutions for problems or things that we deal with here on earth.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: And I think that's that's a good way to look at it and say you know, we as humans, come up, we're innovative enough that we come up with all these things that we, we can help our eyesight through glasses and contacts.
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: We can.
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: You know, I just got a hair transplant, like I can.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: That's pretty amazing technology right.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: Pretty amazing that we can do these things to improve our lives and improve different aspects of our lives, and I look look at intimacy toys as one of those things.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: Again, like if used right.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: If used right, this can be a great benefit to to help your marriage and help your sexual intimacy.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: So that that's kind of the way I look at it and I and I want to speak to men that are worried about bringing in a toy or an aid if it helps your wife to love sex because she's physically enjoying it better, that's only going to benefit you, right?
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: If you set healthy boundaries and make sure that it's only used together, that's only going to benefit you, right?
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: If you set healthy boundaries and make sure that it's only used together, that's only going to help your marriage.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: And it's almost an unselfish thing, right, if you approach it the right way and say hey, I really want our intimacy and connection to be better.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I want you to enjoy it.
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: How do you feel about incorporating something into our lovemaking that can help you enjoy it more, like that's?
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: That's thinking of your spouse and thinking of their enjoyment and their pleasure as well.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I love it anyways.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to kind of add that in there, because whatever, however you feel, we'd love to hear your comments on that.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Like um, so boundaries, we'll just go over this really quick.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: Obviously, both both spouses should agree to the use and feel comfortable with the decision of trying out a new toy.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: Right Consent always.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: I think if you're a wife, you're probably safe buying a toy and introducing it to your husband and saying, hey, let's do this in our lovemaking.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: If you're a husband, I would probably get your wife's permission before buying a toy.
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: Um, that's just me.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know Cause.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: I feel like some husbands could be very much like.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: Am I not enough for you?
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Why do you need a replacement?
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Well, I don't know.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: I feel like there's a lot of husbands that could be really.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: Talk about it because, again, just like our experience, it's been really, really awesome.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: It's been such a great thing for us and I really believe, if you listen to the statistics, that 80% of the women out there could be a great benefit to them as well, just like it has for Amy.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: And I don't remember when we researched this, but we actually found out that vibrators weren't actually made as sex toys.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: They were actually created to relieve stress for women, right, people that?
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: had depression and stress and anxiety.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: So you actually invented to.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: When they had an orgasm, it would release the endorphins and all that stuff and actually make them feel better.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: So like knowing that, knowing that these were invented to reduce stress and that was kind of the primary purpose pretty, actually pretty interesting anyway, you can go do your own research on that, but I just I thought that was interesting to bring up.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: Um, we talked about, uh, consent, communication is always important um boundary, I don't know, just talking about boundaries.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: Before you even buy them, before we even, like, decided to buy our first toy, we were like, okay, only use together.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: Like there's not gonna be any solo stuff in our marriage and I know everyone has different um feelings on that like that's, that's up to you but again, that's just what we felt would be best for our marriage yeah, because if you don't want a toy to turn negative or something, well, she'd rather use it by herself.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's, that's gonna hurt your intimacy yeah, so it's important.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: If your wife's using it by, you're probably not going to be using it together very often.
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: And that is going to affect your marriage very negatively.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: So that's important to talk about before you even get into it.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: Let's see hygiene.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: I think it's just really important to clean them and be careful with them.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: You know those kinds of things Talk about that together because you're using them together Sensitivity.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: It's really important when you first get them, to be careful with them, use them very gently, figure out what she likes, whatever.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, I think, as we're wrapping this up, one of the things we want to hit on is you know, Amy and I have really promoted the ultimate intimacy vibrator.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: It's been like a real game changer for us yes we, we absolutely love it, and but we just found another product that we tried.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: That, I think, is it's just as just as amazing.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: It might even be better.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: It's just as amazing, it might even be better.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: It's just as amazing.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: Because one of the things about the vibrator, well, I'm gonna let you share.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: You were kind of talking about this earlier.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know where you're going with that, though.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: Well, just the difference between the vibrator use and then the new toy that we found, which is basically a vibrating ring.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: That's remote control.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: That's bigger.
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: It's been amazing and I love this one because it's it doesn't move around as much.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: You are making love while you're using it.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: It's stimulating the clitoris while you're having intercourse, like you are, you're as connected as you can be where we, amy and I, would put the vibrator between us while we were making love, but it would move around and and it would be kind of bulky and sometimes it would feel awkward.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: It still worked for us.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: Still worked.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: Amazing, because we didn't, we didn't know any different.
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: We didn't know any different, but we just found this ring.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Um, we just listed in our shop.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: It's the purple, like flower looking ring and it looks really interesting.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: But the thing that I love, I'm gonna actually there's a couple things I love about it.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: For me it's taking place probably 70% of the time over the vibrator, for the reason that the ring is big enough for the man.
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: It doesn't hurt, right, it can help the husband last longer it's really it's really stretchable um, which is nice, so it doesn't hurt, it's not too tight it doesn't look like a crazy sex toy.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: It looks like a flower okay, it's like a flower ring, and I love about it that you can make love like, literally have intercourse, but the clitoris is being stimulated, just like we talked about, like the best of both worlds, because it's only something you would use together.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: That's what I love about this toy.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: It's together, um, it looks nice and the and the flower part has the perfect amount of pressure and vibration.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: It has different settings too, right it does.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's different settings so you can figure out what you like.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: So it's more customizable while you're making love.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: It has a remote control.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: You just hit the button while you're making love to find the sensation that she wants that night and the flower is just wide enough that it doesn't have direct stimulation on the clitoris, but like around it, which is what is really important.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: If you listen to our podcast episode with an expert on the clitoris, the clitoris is very, very sensitive, so direct pressure on it can actually hurt, but like stimulation around it is very, very amazing for women, and that's what I love about this is it's I don't know, I feel like it might be the greatest invention ever made.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: We just barely found this a couple weeks ago and I'm like it's comparable to the other vibrator that we sell, because I do love the vibrator.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: This isn't one that you would use like so we mentioned if Nick ends too early and then he's like crap, I have to do something for you.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: This wouldn't be the kind of toy that would help after.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: It could, but the vibrator is probably you could use it by hand, but the vibrator would probably be more of a.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: Let me finish you off where this is more.
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: Together.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: It's a together toy.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: It's awesome.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: It's awesome.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to sell it, I'm just saying every woman should have it.
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, awesome.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to sell, I'm just saying every woman should have it.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, and I think it's like, like amy said, it's felt better because it's the way it's designed.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: The way it's designed is amazing.
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: Like I don't think personally after 22 years, I could have designed anything better.
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: I haven't found a negative about it.
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: I have not found a negative because we were trying to find something that could fit between us while we were making love that would stimulate the clitoris.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: Some of the other vibrating rings worked, but not not nearly.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: They weren't enough after having a real vibrator between us.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: I sorry, I don't want to give too much information, but I just I want to be honest and real right now.
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: Um, putting a vibrator between you could be awkward, but it can feel really good at the same time, and this helps, helps it not be too big but like if you position right it can hit like the perfect spot.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: And again, it takes experimentation and communication, but I think once you figure it out you're like I don't think our lovemaking can ever go without it.
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: Like it's literally.
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: That's really good For sure.
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: So anyways yeah, you can check it out at shopultimateintimacycom.
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: We hope that this podcast has been beneficial, kind of giving you some things to think about and talk about as a couple, and you really should talk about it as a couple.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: We really hope that these things can really be a great benefit to your marriage.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: Email us if you have any questions.
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: Amy ultimate intimacycom, we appreciate you listening to the podcast and anything else yeah, I just wanted to say, if you are interested in this new toy, we actually created a new couples intimacy box in the shop and, if you didn't catch the last episode, we actually have our positions, volume two that just came out after months and months of work and we hand design and create everything ourselves, which is I don't know I'm pretty excited about, and they are now launched.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: We have created a box with the vibrator that we love, with this new flower ring that we love, love, love, the two position boxes, the whole set, and then you also get a couple other little things that are super, super helpful.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: So, if you want like the whole collection, I think this is one of the best boxes that we have yeah, for sure that's a good one yep, so check it out and yeah, and we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time.