Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / 159. Victoria Garrick, Mental Health Advocate & Podcaster

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159. Victoria Garrick, Mental Health Advocate & Podcaster · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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Speaker 1: Ultimately, if you're going to change the trajectory of your
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Speaker 1: mental health journey, you're gonna have to make a decision
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Speaker 1: that puts yourself first. And people don't like to put
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Speaker 1: themselves first, but sometimes we have to. And the people
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Speaker 1: that really support you and love you and want you
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Speaker 1: to flourish in life will be clapping for you as
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Speaker 1: you put yourself first.
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Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Abadi here you are listening to episode
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Speaker 2: one fifty nine of Hurdle, a wellness of focused podcasts
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Speaker 2: where I sit down with inspiring individuals to talk about
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Speaker 2: their big ones, tough moments, and everything in between. On
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Speaker 2: the show, you can expect vulnerability, motivation, and candid discussions
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Speaker 2: with everyone from top athletes and CEOs to aspiring entrepreneurs
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Speaker 2: on what it really takes to follow your passions. My
1:01
Speaker 2: mission is simple to inspire you to be your best self,
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Speaker 2: move with.
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Speaker 3: Intention, and have some fun along the way.
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Speaker 2: Today on the show, I am so so amped to
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Speaker 2: be bringing you my conversation with Victoria Garrick. Victoria is
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Speaker 2: a former D one volleyball player, a TED talk speaker,
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Speaker 2: and mental health advocate. She was a four year starter
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Speaker 2: at USC where she won a pac twelve Humanship and
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Speaker 2: finished her career with the top five most digs in
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Speaker 2: program history.
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Speaker 3: Now you may know her for a few reasons.
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Speaker 2: One, She's got a awesome podcast called Real Pod. Her
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Speaker 2: twenty seventeen TED talk called The Hidden Opponent has been
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Speaker 2: viewed over three hundred and seventy thousand times. And I
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Speaker 2: mean she's been featured a ton of places from The
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Speaker 2: Player's Tribune and People Magazine, USA Today College and has
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Speaker 2: over one million followers on our social media platforms. Were
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Speaker 2: super grateful for Victoria's time today, where we really dive
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Speaker 2: into the nitty gritty. We talk about her mental health
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Speaker 2: journey and how she really struggled to find balance in college,
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Speaker 2: arguably wondering if that was even possible while juggling sports
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Speaker 2: and school and her classes and tutoring and some sort
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Speaker 2: of a social life. And we talk a lot about
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Speaker 2: the ins and outs of therapy, her experience with therapy,
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Speaker 2: also her experience with going on antidepressants then going off
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Speaker 2: of antidepressants, and what that was like for her. Frankly,
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Speaker 2: Victoria's honesty and openness about these difficult topics.
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Speaker 3: It's why I love following her.
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Speaker 2: I'm sure it is why many other people feel the same,
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Speaker 2: and I'm so so excited to bring her story to
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Speaker 2: the show today. Before we get into it this week,
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Speaker 2: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over at Hurdle Podcast.
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Speaker 2: I'm over at Emily a Body and we've been having
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Speaker 2: a lot of really great conversations over in the Secret
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Speaker 2: Hurdler's Facebook group. A link to get in on that
4:40
Speaker 2: is in the show notes. With that, let's get to hurdling.
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Speaker 1: Today.
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Speaker 2: I am talking with Victoria Garrick. She's a former D
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Speaker 2: one volleyball player, a Ted Talk speaker of Real Pod
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Speaker 2: mental health advocate.
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Speaker 3: Let me just lay down the red carpet for you
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Speaker 3: here I will get.
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Speaker 1: Such imposter Sudermann run away. Thanks so much for coming
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Speaker 1: to hang out with you today. Thank you I'm excited
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Speaker 1: to be here. I feel like we have a lot
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Speaker 1: of mutual friends, so I was excited to get to
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Speaker 1: speak with you.
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Speaker 3: I know.
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Speaker 2: I actually was scrolling through the Real Pod feed before
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Speaker 2: and I was like, we have many mutual friends, at
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Speaker 2: least many mutual guests if we can't actually call them, Yeah,
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Speaker 2: they are l friends all the time.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I thought, as well.
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Speaker 3: Well, I'm excited to have you here. I'll be real
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Speaker 3: with you.
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Speaker 2: My intern, I think it was I'd seen and watched
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Speaker 2: your Ted Talk, but I didn't know that Real Pod
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Speaker 2: existed yet. And my intern, I think two to three
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Speaker 2: months ago maybe, was like, you need to listen to
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Speaker 2: this episode of Real Pod.
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Speaker 3: It's so great.
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Speaker 2: And then I was like, oh my god, me and
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Speaker 2: this woman are just like completely on the same wavelength.
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Speaker 1: Forget me, we're taking the right here. But you're a
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Speaker 1: podcaster and I'm I was listening to a podcast today
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Speaker 1: and I literally felt like, God, I need to be
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Speaker 1: better interviewing, Like I need to be x y Z.
6:08
Speaker 1: Like you ever get in those places where you like
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Speaker 1: you think your show sucks. And so I was listening
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Speaker 1: to Dax Shephard is like my podcast, I mean, isn't
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Speaker 1: he everyone's I mean, he's a freaking brilliant. And I
6:20
Speaker 1: was listening to I'm so I'm so crazy people aren't here.
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Speaker 1: I was listening to an episode where he interviewed a
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Speaker 1: guest that I've interviewed, and I wanted to hear like
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Speaker 1: what questions, Like we had the same blank canvas, what
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Speaker 1: did he do with it that I didn't? And how
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Speaker 1: did he steer the convo in the ways that I
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Speaker 1: didn't and what did he pull from the guest that
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Speaker 1: I didn't? And so I listened to this whole interview,
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Speaker 1: and then I went back and listened to mine, you know,
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Speaker 1: and then you think about my interviews and I'm not
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Speaker 1: and I'm not good, and so.
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Speaker 3: I have hypothesis that you're talking about Alexei Papus.
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Speaker 2: Yes, oh my god, I also, dude.
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Speaker 1: I gotta listen to yours and then I can rank
6:55
Speaker 1: us on which probably.
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Speaker 2: Me it's so funny, but I can totally appreciate that
7:01
Speaker 2: you said that. And I actually was asking myself this
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Speaker 2: as well when the Megan Markle Oprah interview came out,
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Speaker 2: because the resounding feedback on social media was an Oprah,
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Speaker 2: like all hail Oprah. Oprah is amazing. She's a fabulous interviewer.
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Speaker 2: And I think that sometimes the qualities that good interviewers
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Speaker 2: have in common are typically that they're not scared to
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Speaker 2: ask anything, or they're not abiding by some boundary that
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Speaker 2: maybe they set for themselves. So I think that Dax
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Speaker 2: actually is very open with his conversation. He doesn't filter
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Speaker 2: himself at all, and so when he asked questions, there
7:44
Speaker 2: are a lot of the times the same question that
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Speaker 2: the audience wants to know, and he's just not scared
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Speaker 2: to ask it, which was the same with Oprah and
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Speaker 2: Megan Markle Right, I one.
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Speaker 1: Hundred percent agree with you. And speaking of the Alexi interview,
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Speaker 1: you know, obviously he pulled from her this really traumatic
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Speaker 1: memory about her mom, and he made some remark of
8:06
Speaker 1: that sounds like something out of a horror movie, and
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Speaker 1: I just thought, that's something that I think but I
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Speaker 1: wouldn't say. But he says it, and no one thinks twice,
8:16
Speaker 1: and no one's offended by that either. And I've also
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Speaker 1: never been in a position where I've interviewed someone and
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Speaker 1: they've said to me, I'm not comfortable or like I've
8:26
Speaker 1: never even remotely been in a place where I've felt
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Speaker 1: like I've made someone uncomfortable or I've been prying. It
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Speaker 1: would be one thing for you and I to be
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Speaker 1: cautious of pushing the boundaries if someone's if we've done
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Speaker 1: that before, but I haven't, and I'm still extra cautious.
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Speaker 1: So you're right, like, we just need to ask the questions.
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Speaker 1: And even when I get someone on who's a complete
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Speaker 1: open book, I still sometimes, you know, I never want
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Speaker 1: to offend. And I also think I love what Dax
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Speaker 1: does is he you He leads with his vulnerability to
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Speaker 1: open up that space for his guests. And heard him
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Speaker 1: on Tim Ferriss talking about that strategy of like, oh,
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Speaker 1: if I say when I had thoughts of killing myself,
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Speaker 1: then my guest is like, oh you did too well,
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Speaker 1: let me share you mine. And I that was the
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Speaker 1: first time I was like, oh, there's power in sharing
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Speaker 1: my story on an interview with my guest, because formally
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Speaker 1: I thought, I don't want to bring the conversation back
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Speaker 1: to me. I don't want to center myself. I don't
9:19
Speaker 1: want to say oh, yeah when that happened to me,
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Speaker 1: because you know, it doesn't sound good. And then I
9:24
Speaker 1: was like, wait, Dax does that all the time, and
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Speaker 1: I go to Dax's podcast to listen to Dax. And
9:29
Speaker 1: so I've actually been meeting with some mentors in the
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Speaker 1: podcasting industry and kind of asking these questions because no
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Speaker 1: one freaking tells us how to do this. There's no
9:36
Speaker 1: class of podcasting. I'm like, on this network And I
9:38
Speaker 1: email someone at the network, I'm like, what if you
9:40
Speaker 1: have the bigger shows be open to doing like Q
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Speaker 1: and A Night with with some of us And they're like,
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Speaker 1: what are you talking about? They're like, you're on the network.
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Speaker 1: I'm like, what how do I get on this network?
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Speaker 1: Like I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. It
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Speaker 1: Just that to me was like people come to your
9:52
Speaker 1: show to hear you interview the person, Like you know,
9:55
Speaker 1: they're here because they want to hear Emily have a
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Speaker 1: conversation with me. They're not here for me. And so
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Speaker 1: that's I think something that hosts forget is your listeners
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Speaker 1: do want your insight. They do want to hear a
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Speaker 1: little bit of those I statements. Otherwise they could listen
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Speaker 1: to Alexi Poppus on another podcast.
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Speaker 3: It's so true, and I think about this all the time.
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Speaker 2: I remember I used to ask when I was getting
10:16
Speaker 2: started out with podcasting, I was like, if you don't
10:21
Speaker 2: like a podcast host's voice, but you love the guests
10:24
Speaker 2: that they get, do you listen to the show. And
10:28
Speaker 2: I used to try to listen to certain shows that
10:31
Speaker 2: I didn't love the host's approach or literally and this
10:35
Speaker 2: is a little petty, but maybe even like their vocal
10:38
Speaker 2: tone just wasn't my thing. And after a while I
10:42
Speaker 2: just couldn't hang I had to go seek out new podcasts.
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Speaker 2: And the good thing for all of us is that
10:47
Speaker 2: there are bazillions of them.
10:50
Speaker 1: We all get in our own head about our voice
10:52
Speaker 1: and how our voice sounds. I have a tendency to
10:54
Speaker 1: talk really loud and fast. And I actually did an
10:58
Speaker 1: interview with Shami equal Holdsclaw and she has a fantastic
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Speaker 1: mental illness story and it's going to be coming out
11:06
Speaker 1: next week, and one of my editors was like, you
11:09
Speaker 1: are so slow and thought through in this interview, and
11:12
Speaker 1: you did a great job, And in that moment, I
11:15
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I was like, I feel like that's
11:16
Speaker 1: a backhanded Most of the time you're too loud and.
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Speaker 3: Fast, but that's just like me.
11:22
Speaker 1: That's how that's how I talk. And if you don't
11:24
Speaker 1: like it, you know, then yeah, you don't have to
11:25
Speaker 1: listen to my show. You can listen to Alexi on
11:27
Speaker 1: Emily's podcast and also shout out to Alexi. I feel
11:30
Speaker 1: bad that she's used as our pawn in this example.
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Speaker 1: She's a phenomenal woman and her story is freaking incredible.
11:35
Speaker 1: But that's part of what we do is we have
11:37
Speaker 1: to be president in the interview. And remember where we
11:40
Speaker 1: have a job here and we're steering a conversation. We
11:43
Speaker 1: aren't just at dinner. If we do a great job,
11:46
Speaker 1: our listeners think they were hearing a dinner convo. But
11:48
Speaker 1: that's there's some planning in that from us.
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Speaker 2: It's so true. It's so true. Now, I know that
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Speaker 2: you went to USC. What did you major in a USC?
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Speaker 1: Journalism?
12:00
Speaker 3: Telling?
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Speaker 1: And I thought sports reporting at the time at the time, Okay,
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Speaker 1: so let's rewind it back even before USC, you also
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Speaker 1: played D one volleyball.
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Speaker 3: There were you always really active growing up?
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Speaker 1: Yes, I was a like four sport athlete in middle school.
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Speaker 1: You know, I did basketball, soccer, I ran track, I
12:18
Speaker 1: played volleyball. I was really active as a young kid.
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Speaker 1: And yeah, sports were always big part of my life.
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Speaker 2: Knowing that you loved athletics, how did you decide to
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Speaker 2: lean into one versus the other.
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Speaker 1: It was actually really natural. I never had a sit
12:32
Speaker 1: down moment where I had to make that decision, and
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Speaker 1: I feel really lucky that that was the case for me.
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Speaker 1: My heart naturally chose the sport of volleyball. And basically
12:42
Speaker 1: what happened was eighth grade, I joined a volleyball club team,
12:45
Speaker 1: and you know, because of that, I couldn't play soccer,
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Speaker 1: I think, was like my other favorite sport. And then
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Speaker 1: I wanted to make the ones team the next year,
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Speaker 1: and so that was like my main goal all summer.
12:57
Speaker 1: So it was just like I kind of got caught
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Speaker 1: up in these volleyball goals and this club world, which
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Speaker 1: most voyball players know, the club volleyball world is like
13:05
Speaker 1: a whole world of its own. So that's just kind
13:08
Speaker 1: of what happened. And then eventually I was like, huh,
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Speaker 1: I don't play any other sports.
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Speaker 2: Wait, so talk to if someone doesn't know what that
13:13
Speaker 2: means to play club volleyball, Like, talk me through what
13:16
Speaker 2: that means.
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Speaker 1: It's just this crazy culture, like you've seen dance moms
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Speaker 1: and like toddlers and tiaras, I always joke there should
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Speaker 1: be a reality TV show for volleyball, and like young
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Speaker 1: volleyball players. I mean these convention centers and there's tons
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Speaker 1: of teams and the parents are all involved, and you know,
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Speaker 1: the teams have these names of the ones team, the
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Speaker 1: twos team, and threes team, and the ones team is
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Speaker 1: the best. And you know, you look back and these
13:39
Speaker 1: coaches that coach fifteen year old girls. At the time,
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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, these coaches are so intense
13:44
Speaker 1: and I want to play for them. And then I
13:45
Speaker 1: grew up and I'm like, you coach fifteen year olds
13:47
Speaker 1: in volleyball and like we thought it was literally the Olympics.
13:50
Speaker 1: So you know the world is just crazy, and the
13:52
Speaker 1: parents get super involved. And remember one year, a mom
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Speaker 1: wouldn't talk to me because I was playing the position
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Speaker 1: her daughter was supposed to play. You know, so that
14:01
Speaker 1: kind of stuff.
14:02
Speaker 2: That kind of stuff you naturally progress into volleyball, and
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Speaker 2: do you have your heart set on USC or how
14:07
Speaker 2: does that play out. I started to think about college
14:11
Speaker 2: volleyball around my sophomore year. I had teammates that were
14:14
Speaker 2: committing and I.
14:16
Speaker 1: Didn't want to stop playing sports, so I just figured
14:19
Speaker 1: you know, my path was to keep going. And my
14:22
Speaker 1: brother golfed at UCLA, so I was used to watching
14:26
Speaker 1: him compete at that level. He was a college athlete
14:29
Speaker 1: with USC. It was one of those just feelings, this
14:33
Speaker 1: gut feeling of I really want to go to this school.
14:35
Speaker 1: I really want to play here. I grew up near Stanford,
14:38
Speaker 1: and you know, I would even go to the games
14:40
Speaker 1: and watch USC. And I wasn't like some Stanford person
14:44
Speaker 1: that was at tested at Stanford that said I don't
14:46
Speaker 1: think I could ever get into Stanford, but you know,
14:48
Speaker 1: I don't know. For some reason, USC was just this
14:50
Speaker 1: school that I really wanted to play at. In my
14:52
Speaker 1: sophomore year, you know, I went on an unofficial visit
14:54
Speaker 1: and I met with the coaches and I got toured around,
14:57
Speaker 1: I met with the team, and that was a assurance that, gosh,
15:02
Speaker 1: this is where I want to play.
15:03
Speaker 2: So at the top of this episode, one of the
15:06
Speaker 2: sections in your multi hyphen it is talking about being
15:10
Speaker 2: a mental health advocate. Talk to me about your mental
15:14
Speaker 2: health going into college. Did you even know about mental
15:19
Speaker 2: health going into college.
15:22
Speaker 1: I knew about mental health, but I really felt like
15:29
Speaker 1: it would not happen to me and that sounds extremely privileged,
15:33
Speaker 1: and it was a very privileged thought process was, Oh,
15:37
Speaker 1: this is something that happens to others, But I'm competitive
15:41
Speaker 1: and I'm strong, and I'm ambitious and I'm smart. You know,
15:44
Speaker 1: I thought that if I kept my grades high and
15:47
Speaker 1: I was a great athlete and I was I didn't
15:49
Speaker 1: have to really listen intently to those conversations because really
15:53
Speaker 1: my own belief in myself, I have thick skin, and
15:56
Speaker 1: I don't cry about a lot of things, and you know,
15:58
Speaker 1: I really bought into that stigma of its weakness, and
16:01
Speaker 1: I'm never going to consider weakness happening to me. So
16:04
Speaker 1: I just really didn't appreciate the role that the mind
16:07
Speaker 1: played in sports and also life.
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Speaker 2: So interesting the way that you just went about talking
16:14
Speaker 2: about that as if mental health categorically is negative. You
16:19
Speaker 2: were like, I didn't think that mental health would happen
16:22
Speaker 2: to me. Is that kind of how you view.
16:25
Speaker 1: It, or oh, my gosh, not anymore. That's just how
16:29
Speaker 1: it was communicated to me at the time from society.
16:33
Speaker 1: It seemed like a weakness and it still does in
16:38
Speaker 1: many facets of life. And you know, that's why one
16:41
Speaker 1: of my passions now is to speak out against that,
16:44
Speaker 1: because the stigma around mental health is what kept me
16:49
Speaker 1: from understanding, accepting, and honoring what I was going through.
16:55
Speaker 1: I was in such denial, so it kept me from
17:00
Speaker 1: facing my issues for a long time, and then it
17:02
Speaker 1: kept me from seeking help. So and the stigma is
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Speaker 1: a bunch of bs. It's not a weakness. It's everyone
17:09
Speaker 1: has a brain, everyone has well being, everyone has mental health.
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Speaker 1: And you know, that's why I am so passionate now
17:15
Speaker 1: about changing the conversation because I bought into that stigma
17:20
Speaker 1: and it inevitably made things worse for me.
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Speaker 2: So give the hurdlers a snapshot of what kind of
17:26
Speaker 2: your day to day looked like as a college athlete at.
17:30
Speaker 1: USC my day to day, and I'll never forget the
17:36
Speaker 1: first time it really set in, like, oh shit, I
17:39
Speaker 1: was picking classes as a freshman and meeting with my
17:43
Speaker 1: academic advisor and she, you know, pulled up this big
17:47
Speaker 1: screen of my schedule and there was this big black
17:51
Speaker 1: box on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and
17:57
Speaker 1: it was from one to six and it was practice
18:00
Speaker 1: and that was just there and it was okay, let's
18:03
Speaker 1: make classes around this. And I had to fill in
18:04
Speaker 1: like eighteen units, and it was like, Oh, this class
18:07
Speaker 1: sounds exciting. You can it's at two o'clock. Oh my gosh,
18:10
Speaker 1: this is what I need for my major. You can
18:12
Speaker 1: it's at four o'clock. And so it was just no, no, no,
18:15
Speaker 1: because of volleyball, and I had to find classes that
18:17
Speaker 1: work in my schedule, which were like the eight ams
18:20
Speaker 1: and the late night classes and maybe it was like
18:22
Speaker 1: the fifth class I wanted to take, not the one
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Speaker 1: I did. And people always joke, you know, athletes get
18:27
Speaker 1: first priority of class. It's like, yeah, because we can
18:30
Speaker 1: only take like a handful of them that fit with
18:32
Speaker 1: our schedule. It's not like we get to choose our
18:34
Speaker 1: favorites and we're in the best classes at the school.
18:37
Speaker 1: So my practice block was one to six, six days
18:41
Speaker 1: a week. I had eighteen units of class like regular students.
18:44
Speaker 1: I had tutoring on top of that, and you know,
18:47
Speaker 1: on top of that, you're meeting with the athletic trainers
18:50
Speaker 1: and you're eating and you're doing homework and you're studying.
18:54
Speaker 1: So there's a lot to fit into the schedule, and
18:58
Speaker 1: I definitely was not prepared at the time to manage
19:01
Speaker 1: it all.
19:02
Speaker 2: When did you join Kappa.
19:06
Speaker 1: My freshman year, I rushed. So that's when I joined
19:12
Speaker 1: Greek life, and I remember it being this big decision
19:15
Speaker 1: because I was bought into volleyball. I really wanted to play.
19:19
Speaker 1: I really wanted to compete. I wanted to be taken seriously,
19:22
Speaker 1: no other girl on the team was in a sorority.
19:24
Speaker 1: And so I remember calling my mom and being like,
19:25
Speaker 1: I'm not rushing. I don't want my teammates or my
19:28
Speaker 1: coach to like think I'm not bought in. And I
19:31
Speaker 1: remember my mom being like, you want to make friends
19:35
Speaker 1: and you want to have your college experience. And I
19:38
Speaker 1: already see how stressed you are. You had to give
19:40
Speaker 1: up your summer. You've been at USU since July, you
19:42
Speaker 1: did summer school, like just rush and make some other friends.
19:45
Speaker 1: And it was just really a sore topic between the
19:47
Speaker 1: two of us. We would like get in arguments about it.
19:49
Speaker 1: And then I remember all my friends who I went
19:52
Speaker 1: to school with were, you know, getting ready for rush,
19:54
Speaker 1: and I felt super left out. And so then I
19:56
Speaker 1: was like, fine, I'll just do it and I'll see
19:58
Speaker 1: how it goes. And yeah, I got into a house
20:01
Speaker 1: and I really wasn't involved. I mean, I went to
20:04
Speaker 1: a few things here and there, But I definitely I
20:08
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't feel like someone who was a
20:10
Speaker 1: part of Greek life.
20:13
Speaker 3: I uh, fun.
20:14
Speaker 2: Fact was a kapa yu gun oh sister sister sister Baronde.
20:19
Speaker 2: I interviewed another kapa once Low Bosworth is a kappa.
20:22
Speaker 2: Oh really, I was just thinking for the sheer fact
20:25
Speaker 2: that you had the time to go through that process
20:28
Speaker 2: on top of the schedule that you just described is
20:31
Speaker 2: mind boggling.
20:32
Speaker 1: I missed a few houses, so I didn't even get
20:36
Speaker 1: a rush at all of them. There were some I
20:38
Speaker 1: never even got to visit because I I work with
20:39
Speaker 1: my schedule, and then there were some I remember going
20:42
Speaker 1: into DJ with wet hair and no makeup, so it
20:45
Speaker 1: was it was like sprinting, sprinting.
20:49
Speaker 2: Well, I'm sure that you were doing a lot of
20:51
Speaker 2: that during your six hour practice block Monday through Saturday,
20:55
Speaker 2: and then you didn't even bring up that you were
20:57
Speaker 2: traveling on the weekends.
20:59
Speaker 1: Yes, that's true. We had two games a week. They
21:01
Speaker 1: were either home games or they were away games, so
21:04
Speaker 1: lots of flights and I still have playing anxiety because
21:07
Speaker 1: of it.
21:08
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
21:10
Speaker 2: Well, a good thing you haven't had to be on
21:11
Speaker 2: a plane much over the past fourteen months.
21:13
Speaker 1: That's true.
21:15
Speaker 3: That is true.
21:16
Speaker 2: Okay, so we've already dove into your busy schedule. It
21:19
Speaker 2: was super hectic. Talk to us about how this started
21:24
Speaker 2: to really affect you and how long until you started
21:27
Speaker 2: to realize that, Wow, I'm starting to feel a little
21:29
Speaker 2: burnt out and I don't have a lot of options
21:31
Speaker 2: in this.
21:34
Speaker 1: I think the burnout didn't happen until my sophomore year.
21:39
Speaker 1: But my freshman year, I think I was just trying
21:42
Speaker 1: to be perfect in all aspects, and I guess, quick,
21:46
Speaker 1: quick side note, there's so many awesome opportunities in being
21:50
Speaker 1: a student athlete, and it's the price you pay for
21:54
Speaker 1: insane luxuries and opportunities. And like, I was an athlete
21:58
Speaker 1: for four years, so clearly there was something about it
22:00
Speaker 1: that I did enjoy. But you know, the realities of
22:04
Speaker 1: what you have to endure to be a student athlete
22:06
Speaker 1: is tough, and I wasn't prepared and I didn't have
22:10
Speaker 1: the tools to figure it out myself. And so you know, basically,
22:15
Speaker 1: my freshman year, I slowly started developing anxiety and it
22:21
Speaker 1: quickly became performance anxiety. I feared making mistakes. I couldn't
22:26
Speaker 1: go to bed at night without worrying about what would
22:28
Speaker 1: happen the next day at practice. And I just was
22:31
Speaker 1: holding back tears in the locker room. It was just
22:34
Speaker 1: so much going on. And I am a perfectionist and
22:38
Speaker 1: I am a hard worker, and I didn't feel like
22:42
Speaker 1: I could do everything to the best of my ability.
22:44
Speaker 1: And I was constantly like running on e and I
22:47
Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone about that, you know, because I thought
22:50
Speaker 1: they can't know. I'm not confident my coach is going
22:53
Speaker 1: to avenge me. We were also the number one team
22:55
Speaker 1: in the country, undefeated, like twenty two to oh. I
22:59
Speaker 1: was a walk on who found my way on the court,
23:01
Speaker 1: Like I didn't want to rock the boat. So it
23:03
Speaker 1: was always swallow your emotions, bury it, and just figure
23:08
Speaker 1: it out, you know. I thought that I was weak
23:10
Speaker 1: and I just couldn't handle this level of play, and
23:12
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be exposed for being not good enough,
23:16
Speaker 1: which was my biggest fear. And then sophomore year was
23:20
Speaker 1: when I hit that state of burnout where I just
23:26
Speaker 1: didn't even have the energy to care because I had
23:30
Speaker 1: been anxious for like ten months straight. So sophomore year
23:35
Speaker 1: was really that low robotic placed for me, and that
23:42
Speaker 1: was my major depressive episode was sophomore year.
23:47
Speaker 2: What happens during that major depressive episode beside you kind
23:53
Speaker 2: of just living your life in a way that feels
23:56
Speaker 2: like you're on autopilot.
24:00
Speaker 1: It's really weird to reflect on it because it just
24:06
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like me. And I think that's a really
24:10
Speaker 1: maybe good way to explain depression, is it just doesn't
24:14
Speaker 1: feel like your yourself, and you know, it's not wanting
24:21
Speaker 1: to talk to people, it's not wanting to go anywhere.
24:24
Speaker 1: It's constantly feeling sad. I definitely didn't recognize myself or
24:31
Speaker 1: my thoughts. Especially. It was miserable, and I think the
24:35
Speaker 1: irony is that I was living my dream like that
24:38
Speaker 1: was everything I'd wanted. I just was not enjoying my
24:44
Speaker 1: life at all.
24:45
Speaker 2: When you now reflect on that time and think about
24:49
Speaker 2: living your dream, is there ever a moment where you
24:52
Speaker 2: ask yourself if that was actually the dream or if
24:55
Speaker 2: that was just something like you painted for yourself that well,
24:58
Speaker 2: this would look really dope, So this is the.
25:00
Speaker 1: Thing that I'm going to keep doing. It's a great question. However,
25:05
Speaker 1: I do feel confident that that was the dream. I
25:08
Speaker 1: just like I said, think the biggest disconnect was I
25:12
Speaker 1: didn't have the tools. If I could go back and
25:15
Speaker 1: be a freshman at USC right now, with my twenty
25:18
Speaker 1: three year old brain and all the therapy and the
25:21
Speaker 1: performance mindset work that I've gone through, I think it
25:25
Speaker 1: would be the best thing ever. I think I would
25:27
Speaker 1: thrive even with a tough coach and you know, whatever
25:31
Speaker 1: toxic environment like, I think I could have done it
25:33
Speaker 1: and had a great time. I just was eighteen and
25:36
Speaker 1: I didn't have the tools and I didn't understand. And
25:40
Speaker 1: I think everyone has the time in their life where
25:42
Speaker 1: they become self aware, and my self awareness didn't really
25:48
Speaker 1: hit nor come to fruition until I was like twenty,
25:54
Speaker 1: and that was halfway into my college experience. And so
25:57
Speaker 1: I just think with college acts athletes and student athletes
26:01
Speaker 1: in general, there just needs to be more support and
26:07
Speaker 1: what would the word be catching it before it happens,
26:11
Speaker 1: you know, we need to meet with the freshman athletes
26:13
Speaker 1: and say this is going to be stressful. This is
26:16
Speaker 1: where you go if you're feeling down. This is where
26:19
Speaker 1: you go. We have people here for you if you're
26:21
Speaker 1: feeling XYZ. And it was like I had to go
26:24
Speaker 1: through it, accept it, then seek out those things as
26:29
Speaker 1: opposed to just have that be a part of the process,
26:33
Speaker 1: If that makes sense.
26:34
Speaker 2: I would be remiss if I didn't say that at
26:37
Speaker 2: twenty four, your world's ahead of where so many other
26:41
Speaker 2: people are at thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, fifty.
26:46
Speaker 1: Oh you're saying with me right now. Oh yeah, yeah,
26:49
Speaker 1: I know what you're saying. Like I get that comment
26:51
Speaker 1: a lot, like I'm really mature for my age or
26:53
Speaker 1: you know, whatever it is. And I think, yeah, it
26:56
Speaker 1: happens for everyone at different times, and it's like maybe
26:59
Speaker 1: being thrust into that lifestyle got me there faster. Maybe
27:02
Speaker 1: if I wasn't a college athlete, I don't think I
27:04
Speaker 1: would have had any of the epiphanies or like, you know,
27:07
Speaker 1: I got to a point where I was like, what
27:09
Speaker 1: is the point of life? And I don't think I
27:10
Speaker 1: would have gotten Maybe that was supposed to come for
27:13
Speaker 1: me when I had three kids and I didn't like
27:15
Speaker 1: my job, but that was another reality and instead in
27:19
Speaker 1: this life, I was a college athlete and the curtains
27:22
Speaker 1: were pulled back for me sooner. I don't know.
27:25
Speaker 2: You said that sophomore year was this time where you
27:27
Speaker 2: had this hurtle moment of sorts, and then you also
27:30
Speaker 2: mentioned just this idea of being pretty much rock bottom.
27:34
Speaker 2: What does rock bottom truly look like for you when
27:37
Speaker 2: you're a sophomore?
27:41
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, rock bottom. And it's interesting too, Emily, because
27:47
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes the way I talk about my story,
27:55
Speaker 1: at least now is very like when I was depressed
28:00
Speaker 1: or during my depression, but I don't often dive into yeah, well,
28:06
Speaker 1: let's define what this was for your life, like, let's
28:08
Speaker 1: go an extra layer. And I think part of that
28:12
Speaker 1: is because of that being my own trauma, you know,
28:16
Speaker 1: And it's hard to think about it, but I appreciate
28:20
Speaker 1: it because I think it's important that when we discuss
28:24
Speaker 1: what these struggles are, we do justice to them, you know,
28:29
Speaker 1: if we're comfortable, we don't sugarcoat them. And my depression
28:33
Speaker 1: experience was honestly getting to a point where I was
28:41
Speaker 1: fantasizing about swerving into traffic. I came home crying to
28:49
Speaker 1: my roommate at the time, saying I want to die
28:54
Speaker 1: even thinking of it. Now, you know, I've come so
28:58
Speaker 1: far and it's like I don't feel at all aligned
29:03
Speaker 1: to that mindset, but it's a really dark time and yeah,
29:09
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm even struggling to describe it because it's
29:13
Speaker 1: just one of those things where you can't put words
29:19
Speaker 1: to a feeling. It's such an ugly feeling.
29:23
Speaker 2: And I think that sometimes during our most traumatic moments,
29:27
Speaker 2: we can only think of that feeling and we lose
29:31
Speaker 2: a lot of the details about specific scenarios or situations.
29:36
Speaker 2: Like there are aspects of my story and my hurdle
29:40
Speaker 2: moments back in college where I can describe like every
29:43
Speaker 2: small detail, but then there are other times when I
29:46
Speaker 2: think about just feeling so alone, feeling so unhappy, feeling
29:51
Speaker 2: so self conscious, and I can't describe to you the
29:54
Speaker 2: first thing about the person that was sitting next to
29:56
Speaker 2: me when I felt that way, All I could tell
29:58
Speaker 2: you was that I was stuck in this whole and
30:01
Speaker 2: I needed to find a rope to pull myself out
30:03
Speaker 2: of it.
30:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, I completely agree with you. It's there's there's things
30:09
Speaker 1: for me where I can like remember, like I remember
30:12
Speaker 1: that night coming home to my roommate vividly, but then
30:17
Speaker 1: there's other things that just seem blurry, Like it's like
30:21
Speaker 1: I remember like my five worst days from that year,
30:24
Speaker 1: but it's like I don't remember the year, and I've
30:26
Speaker 1: heard people say, like, sometimes when you go through something
30:29
Speaker 1: traumatic personally, you have struggle. You struggle to remember it
30:33
Speaker 1: because it's like you've a subconsciously blocked out the pain.
30:44
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Speaker 2: dollars off your first box. When I reflect on a
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Speaker 2: lot of my years before eighteen, I certainly have sporadic memories.
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Speaker 2: But at sixteen my parents got separated, and so between
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Speaker 2: sixteen and eighteen, when I think about so many things
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Speaker 2: that happened in my junior and senior year I was
32:47
Speaker 2: in high school at the time, I just have the
32:49
Speaker 2: most sporadic recollection of so many of the things that
32:52
Speaker 2: were going on. Because I was unhappy, I was lonely,
32:56
Speaker 2: I had gained thirty pounds, I felt uncomfortable my body.
33:01
Speaker 2: So many things my self confidence was absolute crap. Like
33:05
Speaker 2: so when I look back on that time, it's just
33:09
Speaker 2: one big blur, And all I can tell you is that, like, well,
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Speaker 2: that was a really hard time for me.
33:13
Speaker 3: That was it?
33:14
Speaker 1: Right, right? I completely understand.
33:17
Speaker 2: So I know that you have spoken out before about
33:20
Speaker 2: disordered eating.
33:22
Speaker 1: When was that something that affected you? That was a
33:25
Speaker 1: part of my freshman year. It was a mix of
33:29
Speaker 1: being so anxious and developing this performance anxiety and also
33:35
Speaker 1: trying to diet and lose weight and kind of resist
33:38
Speaker 1: the changes that were happening into my body as I
33:40
Speaker 1: was training as a do You Want athlete, and the two,
33:46
Speaker 1: like my anxiety and my eating disorder became like best
33:49
Speaker 1: friends because I was hyper focused on restricting and not
33:55
Speaker 1: eating a lot so I could lose weight, but then
33:57
Speaker 1: I would be so anxious stressed that my only way
34:01
Speaker 1: to cope became food and that was like my comfort.
34:05
Speaker 1: And so freshman year I got into this bad cycle
34:08
Speaker 1: of restricting and binging, and you know, I have memories
34:13
Speaker 1: of like walking into practice and grabbing like five power
34:18
Speaker 1: bars to eat in a like a fifteen twenty minute
34:22
Speaker 1: period before practice because I was just so nervous about
34:24
Speaker 1: practice that I was just eating that really was jump
34:29
Speaker 1: started by the anxiety, and then the binging only continued
34:36
Speaker 1: because I was so stressed and that was like my
34:39
Speaker 1: one comfort.
34:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean I can definitely relate on that too.
34:43
Speaker 2: I feel like food for me, despite having gone through
34:46
Speaker 2: this deep transformation for me personally losing a ton of
34:49
Speaker 2: weight in college learning to learning how to develop a
34:53
Speaker 2: better relationship with food, to this day, when I'm stressed,
34:56
Speaker 2: when I'm struggling, the first thing that I'm going to
34:59
Speaker 2: do nine times out of ten is walk into the
35:02
Speaker 2: kitchen and look for something to find some sort of comfort,
35:05
Speaker 2: because that brings me back to my childhood and family
35:09
Speaker 2: and happiness and so many things that I'm sure that
35:12
Speaker 2: maybe you too even associate eating with.
35:14
Speaker 1: I definitely used to that used to be my comfort.
35:18
Speaker 1: I do feel like I've done a lot of work
35:22
Speaker 1: to where I don't think i've I definitely have not
35:27
Speaker 1: had anything out of the ordinary in terms of emotional
35:31
Speaker 1: eating for a few years now. Of course, you know
35:34
Speaker 1: there's instances where I'm not hungry, but I eat the
35:37
Speaker 1: cake because I'm happy, or I'm you know, eating more
35:41
Speaker 1: of XYZ because of an emotion. But I think for
35:44
Speaker 1: the most part, I've done the inner work to where
35:49
Speaker 1: I understand what I'm seeking and that food is not
35:52
Speaker 1: the answer to that problem. And also because I don't
35:55
Speaker 1: restrict at all, I don't have that urge to get
36:00
Speaker 1: all the food in at once because I'm going to
36:02
Speaker 1: take it away again. I'm not going to take it
36:03
Speaker 1: away again. And that's like a trust I've had to
36:04
Speaker 1: build with myself.
36:05
Speaker 2: So you mentioned your senior year of college that you
36:08
Speaker 2: finally had more time for trying out new things, maybe
36:12
Speaker 2: spending more time with Greek life. But we have kind
36:14
Speaker 2: of not touched on yet what happened junior year. Junior year,
36:18
Speaker 2: you're hopefully on the upswing, trying to counteract all of
36:22
Speaker 2: those dark feelings that you were having when you were sophomore.
36:25
Speaker 2: What happens when you get to your junior year.
36:29
Speaker 1: Well, the interesting thing is, so I think I should
36:34
Speaker 1: give some color into this. I would say, like freshman
36:37
Speaker 1: year summer and then into the start of like sophomore preseason,
36:43
Speaker 1: I was like going down so and then I started
36:46
Speaker 1: seeing a therapist, I started getting on meds, and then
36:48
Speaker 1: it was like the end my sophomore spring is when
36:51
Speaker 1: I get my TED talk, which I still was not
36:54
Speaker 1: well during that time, and I think people sometimes look
36:56
Speaker 1: at that ted talk and they're like, oh, you know,
36:58
Speaker 1: this is your finished product. I'm like, no, this is
37:01
Speaker 1: me on into deepressants, hiding a BINGB. So I gave
37:04
Speaker 1: its head talk and I didn't the dressing disorder. So
37:06
Speaker 1: it was already still ashamed of that dark problem I
37:07
Speaker 1: was dealing with. And then so my junior year, I
37:10
Speaker 1: wasn't as depressed, but I was certainly not well. And
37:16
Speaker 1: you know, junior year, I just think truly felt for me,
37:21
Speaker 1: like the last the last go at it. I did
37:25
Speaker 1: not think I would be able to do a senior season.
37:27
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do a senior season. My junior year,
37:30
Speaker 1: we were in an Elite eight game. We were a
37:33
Speaker 1: point away from a Final four, one point to go
37:35
Speaker 1: to the Final four, and I was in the game
37:37
Speaker 1: thinking to myself, I don't care how this ends. I
37:41
Speaker 1: don't want to be here, Like I remember having that
37:43
Speaker 1: moment in the game, like holding back tears of like
37:46
Speaker 1: I just want this game to end, and I would
37:48
Speaker 1: want to be anywhere but here, And like even today
37:52
Speaker 1: it breaks my heart to think that I got to
37:56
Speaker 1: a place athletically that I dreamed of getting to like
37:59
Speaker 1: a point away from a final four, and that I
38:02
Speaker 1: was in that position twice in my career, and this
38:05
Speaker 1: second time, I didn't even want to be there competing.
38:08
Speaker 1: And that was like, okay, we've lost all sense of self,
38:13
Speaker 1: Like this is not this You're not yourself. And so,
38:18
Speaker 1: you know, the game ended and I just thought like
38:20
Speaker 1: I'm not going back. You know, I'm going on Christmas
38:23
Speaker 1: break and I don't want to return to the team.
38:25
Speaker 1: And you know, at first I proposed it to the
38:27
Speaker 1: athletic department as just a mental health leave. I was
38:30
Speaker 1: just like I need some time, but in my head,
38:32
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm never coming back. But this was
38:33
Speaker 1: just like my soft out. And so I actually took
38:36
Speaker 1: I think two months off of maybe two to three
38:40
Speaker 1: months off of volleyball. I was just going to school.
38:43
Speaker 1: I wasn't a part of the team really, But then
38:46
Speaker 1: we there was a coaching change and I was getting
38:50
Speaker 1: better and I had two months of normal life and
38:53
Speaker 1: no practice and I frolloped through campus and I really
38:56
Speaker 1: felt like I was able to work on myself that
39:01
Speaker 1: because the whole dynamic of the team was going to
39:04
Speaker 1: be different, like there was a new entire new coaching staff.
39:08
Speaker 1: You know, I was feeling better. I was reading off
39:10
Speaker 1: my medication. I was looking at it like, Okay, there's August, September, October, November, December,
39:16
Speaker 1: Like there's five months, like five months of volleyball, you
39:19
Speaker 1: can can you finish out your senior year? And so
39:22
Speaker 1: I call my parents and I was like, I think
39:24
Speaker 1: I'm going to go back to the team and if
39:26
Speaker 1: I hate it all, quit Like I was a walk on,
39:28
Speaker 1: I could leave any day I wanted to. So I
39:29
Speaker 1: was like, I'll go back and if I don't like
39:31
Speaker 1: it after two weeks, I will quit. And I went
39:34
Speaker 1: back and it was taught as hell. And I'm also
39:37
Speaker 1: not a quitter. Look, if someone walks away from college sports,
39:41
Speaker 1: I completely respect that. Like once I stepped foot in
39:44
Speaker 1: the gym for senior season, it wasn't really a reality
39:47
Speaker 1: for me to leave halfway. I was kind of like
39:49
Speaker 1: committing to the five months. So yeah, I finished out
39:52
Speaker 1: my senior year and it was definitely my most confident year,
39:56
Speaker 1: I would say, in terms of my mental health and
39:58
Speaker 1: playing volleyball. They were all my years, says the college Athlete,
40:01
Speaker 1: were tough, but I think by my senior year I
40:02
Speaker 1: had more tools and tricks, and I was no longer
40:05
Speaker 1: going to therapy because I didn't need to. And you know,
40:08
Speaker 1: that was a special year for me, and I look
40:10
Speaker 1: back now and I'm so grateful that I played it something.
40:14
Speaker 2: The first thing that I want to double click on
40:16
Speaker 2: is you going on meds. When you first spoke with
40:22
Speaker 2: someone about going on medication, what was your thought process,
40:28
Speaker 2: gut reaction?
40:29
Speaker 3: Where did you stand on that.
40:32
Speaker 1: I'm really weird when it comes to external help, Like
40:37
Speaker 1: I don't even drink coffee because I'm howme on energy
40:39
Speaker 1: is what I like to say, Like any artificial help
40:42
Speaker 1: to my personality. I'm not a fan. I don't even
40:45
Speaker 1: like laughing gas at the dentist's office. I'm not a
40:48
Speaker 1: fan of drugs and alcohol. I mean, like, of course
40:50
Speaker 1: I drink with my friends and whatnot, and I don't
40:51
Speaker 1: shame others, but like I like being myself. Like if
40:55
Speaker 1: I have a back injury, I'm like, I don't want
40:56
Speaker 1: the app bill. I'm feeling my pain, you know, so
40:59
Speaker 1: for me to it on meds, natural birth for you?
41:02
Speaker 3: Natural birth?
41:03
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, that's the one where I will
41:06
Speaker 1: dose me up. Baby. But like I don't know why
41:09
Speaker 1: I like, you know, I don't even drink coffee is
41:11
Speaker 1: the best example I can give. So when I went
41:13
Speaker 1: on had to go on meds, you know, it was
41:16
Speaker 1: tough for me to fathom. But I also was like,
41:19
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel this way anymore, So if
41:22
Speaker 1: this is going to help me, I was okay with it.
41:25
Speaker 1: And I realized that, you know, like any injury, you know,
41:28
Speaker 1: you can't just think stitches and hope that your cut heels.
41:32
Speaker 1: You need external help. You need the doctor to do XYZ.
41:36
Speaker 1: You can't just not get the X ray and think
41:39
Speaker 1: it's going to get better. And I think that's a
41:41
Speaker 1: big disconnect with mental health injuries and visible injuries, is
41:43
Speaker 1: that you know we can fix them. We can't. There
41:47
Speaker 1: is an injury like you need the medicine, you need
41:50
Speaker 1: the additional help because it's not going to heal by
41:55
Speaker 1: itself sometimes. And this was where I had to accept
42:00
Speaker 1: the same way I would need stitches in X ray
42:03
Speaker 1: or the doctor's hands on my foot, the same way
42:06
Speaker 1: I need this medicine to go into my brain to
42:09
Speaker 1: work on the chemistry and the chemicals because they're out
42:12
Speaker 1: of whack right now.
42:14
Speaker 2: When you first went on it were you surprised or
42:19
Speaker 2: satisfied with.
42:21
Speaker 3: How you felt at that beginning phase.
42:26
Speaker 1: The thing about meds is it's not the answer. It's
42:30
Speaker 1: not a quick fix. And if people approach it like, oh,
42:33
Speaker 1: this is a pill to make my depression or my
42:35
Speaker 1: anxiety go away, you're going to be let down because
42:37
Speaker 1: that's not really what it does. I felt like all
42:40
Speaker 1: that my meds did for me were keep me from
42:45
Speaker 1: hitting e on my mental fuel tank, Like I would
42:49
Speaker 1: still drop low, but like once I got to a baseline,
42:54
Speaker 1: there was no like plummeting further. So I just feel
42:57
Speaker 1: like it helped me sustain a state I could manage
43:01
Speaker 1: my feelings. But they didn't make me happy. And they're
43:05
Speaker 1: not supposed to, you know, they're supposed to neutralize or
43:08
Speaker 1: help regulate, and they're also supposed to be used in
43:12
Speaker 1: hand with doing other work to better our mental health.
43:15
Speaker 1: And I was seeing a psychologist weekly at school and
43:20
Speaker 1: having the meds, so, you know, I think the full
43:23
Speaker 1: scope of it's an aspect of recovering from a mental
43:27
Speaker 1: health issue, you know, at least in my experience. And
43:30
Speaker 1: you know, there are people who if you are bipolar
43:33
Speaker 1: or you have another mental illness, you might need meds
43:36
Speaker 1: might be a part of your routine for life, whereas
43:38
Speaker 1: for me, I was on antidepressants that were for a
43:41
Speaker 1: period which was this singular depressive episode, and then I
43:45
Speaker 1: was able to wean off of them.
43:47
Speaker 2: Do you remember anything during that time when you were
43:50
Speaker 2: in those moments as you referred to as like baseline,
43:54
Speaker 2: which actually I would say maybe is a little lower
43:57
Speaker 2: than baseline.
43:58
Speaker 3: Do you have any specific mea from.
44:00
Speaker 2: That time that you look back on and you were like,
44:02
Speaker 2: that was that was the worst part.
44:04
Speaker 1: I think my worst memories are like past the baseline,
44:08
Speaker 1: But I think in general, just being at that neutral
44:13
Speaker 1: place as you're just numb, like you're not enjoying your life.
44:16
Speaker 1: I just felt numb. I just felt like I was
44:21
Speaker 1: going through the motions with no care or enthusiasm. I
44:26
Speaker 1: was just doing what I was told to and showing
44:28
Speaker 1: up where I needed to. And I think that is
44:31
Speaker 1: the most excruciating, is just it sucks to wake up
44:35
Speaker 1: and want the day to end.
44:38
Speaker 2: When you decided to go off the medication ralely with
44:40
Speaker 2: the support of your psychiatrist, were you successful and doing
44:45
Speaker 2: that the first time or did that take you a
44:47
Speaker 2: few times to really kind of get your feedback under
44:49
Speaker 2: you I was successful.
44:52
Speaker 1: I did do it with you know, of course the
44:54
Speaker 1: guidance and approval of my psychiatrist and my psychologist, and
44:58
Speaker 1: I did it the correct way with you know, three
45:01
Speaker 1: fourths of the pills and then half of the pills,
45:04
Speaker 1: and then one fourth of the pills. And I was
45:06
Speaker 1: also in an environment where it was designed for me
45:09
Speaker 1: to flourish. I was back with my family. I had
45:12
Speaker 1: no requirements to be a part of anything volleyball related,
45:15
Speaker 1: no practices, no meetings, no high pressure. That was also
45:19
Speaker 1: an important factor was I took myself out of an
45:22
Speaker 1: environment that was pretty much the source of all of
45:25
Speaker 1: my stressors and into an environment where there weren's any
45:29
Speaker 1: and look, no one was like hurting me or verbally
45:34
Speaker 1: abusing me, Like no one is that fault. I just
45:38
Speaker 1: was not mentally able to be well in just this environment.
45:44
Speaker 1: And it could have been as positive as possible, but
45:47
Speaker 1: for some reason it wasn't clicking for me, and I
45:49
Speaker 1: realized in that Elite eight match, I need to remove
45:52
Speaker 1: myself from this, and so, you know, I had to
45:55
Speaker 1: make that decision. And it's tough, and it's sad, and
45:59
Speaker 1: it you're letting people down. But ultimately, if you're going
46:04
Speaker 1: to change the trajectory of your mental health journey, you're
46:08
Speaker 1: gonna have to make a decision that puts yourself first.
46:11
Speaker 1: And people don't like to put themselves first, but sometimes
46:15
Speaker 1: we have to. And the people that really support you
46:17
Speaker 1: and love you and want you to flourish in life
46:19
Speaker 1: will be clapping for you as you put yourself first.
46:23
Speaker 1: And you know, so I took myself out of that environment,
46:26
Speaker 1: put myself in a place where I could get better.
46:31
Speaker 2: You mentioned the Ted talk. Talk to me about how
46:35
Speaker 2: the Ted talk happened.
46:37
Speaker 1: Oh God, how much time do we have. I'll give
46:41
Speaker 1: you a really, really short story. So I was journalists
46:43
Speaker 1: a major, and I love storytelling, and so as I
46:46
Speaker 1: was going through all this stuff, I would, of course
46:48
Speaker 1: like I'm a big notes person in my phone. Like
46:51
Speaker 1: I'll be like, I'm on a plane right now, it's
46:53
Speaker 1: April second, and these are my five best friends, and
46:55
Speaker 1: these are my biggest problems. Like I write, I write
46:57
Speaker 1: down everything. So I had written down some stuff about
47:00
Speaker 1: how I was feeling in my life, and I wanted
47:02
Speaker 1: to talk about it because I didn't want anyone to
47:06
Speaker 1: feel that the same way as that I did, and
47:08
Speaker 1: so long story short, Ted X comes to USC. It
47:12
Speaker 1: was like fate. I saw the email. I had forty
47:14
Speaker 1: eight hours to send in my application, something like twenty
47:16
Speaker 1: four to forty hours. I applied, I got called back,
47:19
Speaker 1: I got cut. Then I got called back at like
47:22
Speaker 1: eight o'clock at night because they were like, we want
47:24
Speaker 1: to see you one more time. Then I got the talk,
47:25
Speaker 1: and then the talk went viral, so it was crazy.
47:28
Speaker 3: So ultimately it was crazy. So let's then fast forward.
47:32
Speaker 2: Now we're like past the part where you know you
47:35
Speaker 2: finish your senior season. I mean, in all honesty, this
47:38
Speaker 2: is only a few years ago. Now when you are
47:41
Speaker 2: graduating college. What is it that you feel like is
47:45
Speaker 2: your next step? What is it that you feel like
47:47
Speaker 2: is your beckoning purpose?
47:50
Speaker 1: Well, I was really lucky to get a taste of
47:56
Speaker 1: that still being a student my senior year school, I
48:01
Speaker 1: started working. So my senior year I was going to
48:06
Speaker 1: schools to speak, like during the semester, the spring semester,
48:10
Speaker 1: and I was creating YouTube videos and gating subscribers and
48:15
Speaker 1: creating a website. So I was still in school as
48:18
Speaker 1: like things were picking up and it was kind of
48:21
Speaker 1: my sophomore year after the talk, and I wrote this
48:23
Speaker 1: article as well on body image that got sent around,
48:27
Speaker 1: and so throughout my time at SC I was kind
48:30
Speaker 1: of finding my voice and realizing I wanted to connect
48:35
Speaker 1: with other student athletes and be a part of this change.
48:39
Speaker 1: And so it was really a seamless transition for me
48:42
Speaker 1: because I was at a place where I didn't have
48:45
Speaker 1: to apply for jobs, and so, you know, that was
48:50
Speaker 1: a blessing obviously, because a lot of times people struggle
48:53
Speaker 1: with purpose when they shift from being an athlete to
48:56
Speaker 1: the real world. But I felt like I'd found mine
48:59
Speaker 1: through my experience as an athlete, So I was grateful
49:02
Speaker 1: to go from spot directly into what was next.
49:09
Speaker 2: For someone who hears you talking about your mental health
49:12
Speaker 2: journey and feels as though maybe seeking help isn't in
49:17
Speaker 2: their wheelhouse right now, but they still want to get better,
49:21
Speaker 2: what are some of the first pieces of advice that
49:23
Speaker 2: you offer to them.
49:25
Speaker 1: Well, that's a great question, because obviously, accessibility to mental
49:29
Speaker 1: health resources is a huge issue. And I was extremely
49:34
Speaker 1: lucky that I went to a university where when I
49:37
Speaker 1: did say hi, I'm depressed, you know, they rolled out
49:39
Speaker 1: the red carpet and I got the psychologists and the
49:41
Speaker 1: psychiatrist and the meds and the appointments, and you know,
49:44
Speaker 1: that was an option for me because of the school
49:47
Speaker 1: I went to, and there's lots of schools that don't
49:49
Speaker 1: have that, So you know, that's a huge issue, number one,
49:52
Speaker 1: And that's something that at the Hidden Opponent, the nonprofit
49:54
Speaker 1: I founded, that's one of our goals is to try
49:57
Speaker 1: to work towards actual change so that that does have
50:00
Speaker 1: be an issue. If you are struggling with your mental
50:02
Speaker 1: health and you don't have access to that psychologist or
50:05
Speaker 1: that professional, you still have access to people in your
50:08
Speaker 1: life that love and care about you, and you definitely
50:11
Speaker 1: definitely should tell someone in your life. Just open up
50:13
Speaker 1: to anyone about what you're going through. You don't have
50:15
Speaker 1: to suffer in silence. You know, you never know what
50:19
Speaker 1: can happen or what can come from just opening up
50:21
Speaker 1: to one person that you know. And we all have
50:25
Speaker 1: people that we talk to on a daily basis, So
50:28
Speaker 1: number one, please let someone in on what you're going through.
50:31
Speaker 1: And then secondly, and this is definitely not a substitute
50:35
Speaker 1: for personal one on one work with a counselor, but
50:38
Speaker 1: we live in a generation where there are thousands of
50:43
Speaker 1: elite psychologists, therapists, counselors posting their teachings and their philosophies
50:49
Speaker 1: for free on the internet. There are hundreds of Instagram accounts,
50:53
Speaker 1: books that cost fifteen dollars, websites, podcasts of psychologists who
50:58
Speaker 1: are essentially leading group therapy for free. So I would say,
51:02
Speaker 1: do a deep dive look into some of those things.
51:05
Speaker 1: You know, a variety of the work I do on
51:07
Speaker 1: myself now isn't meeting with a therapist, but it's these
51:11
Speaker 1: books I read in, these psychologists I listen to, and
51:13
Speaker 1: their work that I devour on a daily basis. So
51:16
Speaker 1: I would also say, you know, don't sleep on the
51:19
Speaker 1: free resources that are out there, and then of course
51:22
Speaker 1: going to those places like the JED website, the National
51:27
Speaker 1: Alliance from an Illness website who lists out some of
51:30
Speaker 1: those resources that are available to the public as well.
51:33
Speaker 2: Obviously, I'm going to ask you if you have a
51:36
Speaker 2: hit list, so to speak, or any recommendations to kick
51:39
Speaker 2: off the Hurdler's journey and perhaps looking into some of
51:43
Speaker 2: these free mental health resources.
51:46
Speaker 1: Yes, so you mentioned Gervai earlier, so obviously doctor Michael
51:49
Speaker 1: Gervai is fantastic. If any of you are athletes, are
51:52
Speaker 1: high performers, just looking to get a grip on your
51:55
Speaker 1: anxiety and your thoughts and yourself talk. He has a
51:57
Speaker 1: podcast called Finding Mastery which is free, and his Instagram account,
52:00
Speaker 1: Doctor Mike Gervais, free to follow. Also, doctor Nicole Lepera
52:06
Speaker 1: is a psychologist who focuses more on trauma and in
52:09
Speaker 1: her enlightenment, so she has an Instagram account called The
52:13
Speaker 1: Elistic Psychologist. She has a podcast that just came out
52:17
Speaker 1: called I Think Self Healer Circle where she's doing a
52:20
Speaker 1: discussion of the chapters of her book. So if you
52:21
Speaker 1: can't even afford her book, you can listen to our
52:23
Speaker 1: podcast where she's doing breakdowns. She also has a YouTube
52:26
Speaker 1: channel where she has a whiteboard and she walks through concepts.
52:30
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm literally in therapy as I watch
52:31
Speaker 1: those videos, So I think those are two great places
52:33
Speaker 1: to start.
52:35
Speaker 2: You also mentioned that you and these are your words,
52:39
Speaker 2: no longer needed therapy anymore when you were a senior.
52:42
Speaker 2: I love if you could just for a moment, kind
52:44
Speaker 2: of touch on what empowered you to make that decision
52:49
Speaker 2: and perhaps offer some advice to someone who may not
52:53
Speaker 2: know that there can be an opportunity to go to therapy,
52:58
Speaker 2: take a break, go back in, and like, what was
53:01
Speaker 2: your kind of thought process with that? And what would
53:03
Speaker 2: you say to someone who's not sure if they're ready
53:05
Speaker 2: to leave theirs?
53:08
Speaker 1: I mean, I simply was just showing up with nothing
53:10
Speaker 1: to talk about. I was showing up in a good
53:12
Speaker 1: mood with nothing to talk about, and that was just
53:15
Speaker 1: happening for a few weeks, and I realized, I came,
53:20
Speaker 1: I learned, and I'm handling these things in my own
53:23
Speaker 1: life and I don't have anything to talk with you
53:25
Speaker 1: about because I'm able to do it myself now. And so,
53:28
Speaker 1: you know, I think it's important to at least I'm
53:33
Speaker 1: someone who wants to figure out ways to navigate and
53:37
Speaker 1: manage things in my life. And when I get those tools,
53:39
Speaker 1: I want to practice applying them and then I get
53:41
Speaker 1: to a place where I can apply them. And that's
53:42
Speaker 1: where I was, and so I just naturally realized these
53:47
Speaker 1: aren't serving me anymore, and so I stopped going. And
53:50
Speaker 1: of course, you know, there's times now I still go.
53:53
Speaker 1: I went two weeks ago for one appointment just because
53:56
Speaker 1: I was really struggling with this one thing in my life,
53:59
Speaker 1: and so I went to talk for an hour about it,
54:01
Speaker 1: and it was great and I felt like I got
54:02
Speaker 1: answers and I got a look at the situation I
54:04
Speaker 1: couldn't get to myself, and that's awesome. And I didn't
54:06
Speaker 1: schedule another one because problem felt solved for me, or
54:09
Speaker 1: at least felt like I had the tools to handle
54:10
Speaker 1: it when it arises again. So I would just say,
54:13
Speaker 1: if you're going and you're like pulling teeth trying to
54:16
Speaker 1: figure out what you talk about in session, maybe maybe
54:19
Speaker 1: you have outgrown it for this time in your life
54:22
Speaker 1: and you can always go back.
54:23
Speaker 2: I also think it's like important to reiterate that you can.
54:27
Speaker 2: I mean, maybe outgrow is a strong word, but there
54:30
Speaker 2: are different approaches to therapy, and so you may have
54:35
Speaker 2: worked with one therapist for a handful of months and
54:39
Speaker 2: get to a place where you're like, I feel like
54:41
Speaker 2: I've kind of run this course, and nowether I want
54:44
Speaker 2: to work with someone who maybe approaches things a little
54:46
Speaker 2: bit differently, or just like your experience, you're like, I'm
54:49
Speaker 2: good for now, Like I feel really confident in where
54:51
Speaker 2: I'm at and that I can exercise the tools that
54:54
Speaker 2: I've been provided with in my own way, on.
54:57
Speaker 1: My own time, exactly yep.
54:59
Speaker 2: People come to your social media page, they see a
55:02
Speaker 2: woman that is a proud mental health advocate, a ted
55:06
Speaker 2: X speaker, and so many more things. When you look
55:09
Speaker 2: in the mirror, what is it that you see looking
55:10
Speaker 2: back at you?
55:12
Speaker 1: Oh, my gosh, I see a normal girl who still
55:15
Speaker 1: has lots of struggles, lots of worries, lots of fears,
55:19
Speaker 1: lots of self doubt I see. I think what most
55:22
Speaker 1: people see when they look in the mirror is the
55:24
Speaker 1: parts about themselves that they think they need to fix
55:27
Speaker 1: and that they think they need to improve on. And
55:31
Speaker 1: so you know, I know people come to my page
55:33
Speaker 1: and they think the things that you described and they think, oh,
55:36
Speaker 1: this girl's figured it out. I have absolutely not figured
55:39
Speaker 1: it out. So I would say, I just still see
55:42
Speaker 1: the same person who's trying to do the best she can,
55:46
Speaker 1: knows she has so much more to learn, and is
55:48
Speaker 1: doing her best.
55:50
Speaker 3: With knowing that you have so much more to learn.
55:53
Speaker 2: Again, kind of revisiting this term that we keep going
55:56
Speaker 2: back to of mental health advocate kit, do you go
56:01
Speaker 2: through times where you may struggle a little bit with
56:05
Speaker 2: that in that people come and they expect you to
56:08
Speaker 2: have your shit together, and some days when you're like,
56:11
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to have my shit together and it just
56:14
Speaker 2: is not clicking.
56:16
Speaker 3: What do you do with that feeling?
56:17
Speaker 1: I lean into that because that's I think my whole
56:21
Speaker 1: appeal is that I'm not an expert. I'm not someone
56:26
Speaker 1: that has the answers. I feel like I've kind of
56:30
Speaker 1: created a following who knows that that's the case. You know, I,
56:37
Speaker 1: in a really special way don't feel like I have
56:40
Speaker 1: to have all of that. And I think that's kind
56:43
Speaker 1: of what maybe does attract people to my page is
56:46
Speaker 1: that I'm not going to pretend like I have it
56:49
Speaker 1: all figured out, and I don't always have the inspiration
56:51
Speaker 1: and I don't know the answers, and I'm still figuring
56:54
Speaker 1: things out, and I still go to therapy when I
56:56
Speaker 1: need it, and I still have imposter syndrome, and I
57:00
Speaker 1: and mean to myself, And so I think that, you know,
57:04
Speaker 1: that's a really cool aspect of maybe what I've tried
57:07
Speaker 1: to build around this conversation is, Hey, I don't have
57:11
Speaker 1: the answers. I'm just sharing as I go.
57:13
Speaker 3: What are you excited about right now?
57:15
Speaker 1: Tonight? I'm going over to my mom's. Her and my
57:18
Speaker 1: yay A are making Greek food and I'm pumped to
57:21
Speaker 1: eat it. Shout out to any Greeks listening and Cristos
57:25
Speaker 1: on SDS. Greek Easter was this past weekend.
57:29
Speaker 3: My friend here.
57:30
Speaker 2: If you look back and you think about the victoria
57:35
Speaker 2: back in college, it's let's say like mid sophomore year.
57:38
Speaker 3: You're going through the thick of it.
57:40
Speaker 2: Right now, you have an opportunity to offer yourself one
57:43
Speaker 2: piece of advice. Looking back on that hurdle moment right now,
57:46
Speaker 2: what do you tell yourself?
57:48
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, it's tough, because I know that that sophomore
57:51
Speaker 1: girl would not want to hear any of it. She
57:53
Speaker 1: wouldn't believe any of it. I think I would say
57:55
Speaker 1: something like this is going to be sounds so cheesy.
57:58
Speaker 1: I don't know why. I feel like I'm in a
57:59
Speaker 1: movie right now, but I think I would say something like,
58:01
Speaker 1: so much is going to come from this suffering.
58:04
Speaker 3: You know.
58:04
Speaker 1: I think at the time I didn't think there's a
58:07
Speaker 1: reason for it, but clearly now I see that there was,
58:10
Speaker 1: And so I would just tell her, like, I know
58:12
Speaker 1: you'll never understand this, I know you don't get why,
58:15
Speaker 1: but so much of the joy in your future is
58:19
Speaker 1: going to come from this current struggle, and I think
58:22
Speaker 1: that that can apply to many people going through it
58:26
Speaker 1: right now.
58:26
Speaker 2: So true, Victoria, how do the hurdlers keep up with you?
58:29
Speaker 2: How do they follow along with you? Give me all
58:31
Speaker 2: the details, lovely hurdlers.
58:33
Speaker 1: You can keep up with me on ig at Victoria
58:35
Speaker 1: Garrick and you'll pretty much find everything from there, and
58:38
Speaker 1: then you can also listen to my podcast Real Pod,
58:42
Speaker 1: which m you need to come on, so we need
58:45
Speaker 1: to figure that out.
58:45
Speaker 3: Tell me when girl, tell me when perfect.
58:48
Speaker 2: I'm over at Emily Body and at Hurdle Podcast Another
58:52
Speaker 2: Hurdle Conquered.
58:53
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time