Latest / Love and Science Fertility / Father's Day: A Message of Comfort and Support

Transcript

Father's Day: A Message of Comfort and Support · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Hello again, my loves.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: It's me, dr Erika Bove, and I'm back to talk about the somewhat arbitrary holiday that we have, which is Father's Day, and I'm going to keep this episode brief.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: I just want to reach out for support because I think it's often the sort of softer holidays that don't really register as much for other people which can be the hardest for us if we're going through the fertility journey.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, father's Day, mother's Day, halloween, back to school, all those things can be just so hard and can really just put salt in the wound of the way that we wish our lives were different than they are right now.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So I just wanted to offer a few pieces of comfort and then I will wrap you in a big hug of mindful self-compassion and just know that you are not alone.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: My first suggestion for navigating Father's Day is to stay off social media.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I think that social media is the top 5% of what people actually want to share in their lives.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: It truly it is not the truth.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I really struggle with social media because I know that what people are often posting is just not representative of most of the experience of their lives, not to say I know what it's like to be somebody else.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: But I really think that people are not posting their heartbreak, they're not posting their pain, they're not posting their isolation.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: It's kind of all designed to show the world what somebody wants another person to see, and also it kind of puts out a certain identity of how people want to be viewed.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: And so if you do decide to go on social media, please do contain it.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: I always say no more than 30 minutes.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I mean again, if maybe five minutes is all you want to tolerate, then that's fine.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I just think there's so much data that people end their social media sessions more anxious and depressed than when they started, and I think in that way, we really need to think about like is this actually good for me?
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Is this actually good for my journey?
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Is it good for my relationships?
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: So I give you full permission to stay off social media that weekend, if that is what you desire.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: The second piece of advice I have for you is to acknowledge your feelings, and so I would say to yourself it makes sense that I'm sad today, that a part of me is feeling sad.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that a part of me is feeling regret.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that I feel guilty that I can't make my partner a father.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And I will say, in coaching we do a lot to unpack those things because we put so much of the responsibility on ourselves, right.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: But I've just had so many patients and clients who have told me that they actually told their husbands to divorce them because they thought that they deserved to be a father and that they thought they were the problem and it wasn't happening because of them.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Again, so much to unpack here, right, I'm not endorsing all those thoughts, but I'm just saying that sometimes, father's Day, if you are a heteronormative relationship member listening to this podcast and you're a woman who's trying to get pregnant, I think sometimes it can just feel really sad and isolating when there's nothing more than you want than to create this little family or maybe to build your family, and it's just not happening.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So just say to yourself anybody in my situation would feel this way.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Feel those feelings and then try and let them go if you can.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: My third piece of advice is there is nothing wrong with distraction.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes, when we are facing a hard thing or a hard day maybe it's an anniversary of the loss of a loved one or other things you know like I do think at some level it's helpful to acknowledge that person or the grief of what we wish we had also think.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: You know, there's no problem with distraction.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I just say I like to be the one choosing that I'm distracting myself.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Right, I don't want to distract as a default because I don't know how to handle my feelings or I don't know how to cope.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: I want to say I am choosing to distract myself because then, right, then, I am still in the driver's seat, I have my agency and sometimes all I say to myself is you know, the time's going to keep passing and tomorrow's going to be a different day and I'm going to have a different set of struggles, but not one that involves this being an anniversary or a holiday that I need to think about.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So the third is distraction.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: The fourth is really thinking about like, what are ways that I already embody this parental energy and we talked about this a little bit for Mother's Day but really, like, what am I doing already?
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: So maybe it's that you know you're in a situation where one of your siblings has children and you are an awesome.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: You know uncle and aunt right Together, or, if that you know, maybe it's uncle and uncle, maybe it's aunt and aunt, you know, whatever your situation is.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: But really just thinking about, like, what is it that is within me?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Like, what is that love that I have to give?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: And how do I already share that with the world?
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Right Cause that's the spirit of father's day.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: It's not, like you know, did the biological sperm, you know, create an offspring in the world.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: It's more, like you know, maybe you or your partner is a teacher, maybe you're a coach, maybe you're like an aunt or an uncle you know there's so many or maybe your good friends have children and you bring that joy and that energy and that connection, like all of that counts.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes we get very concrete and say, oh, it has to be a certain way for it to be real or right or acknowledged or validated.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: But, like I said, I give you full perspective, full permission excuse me to broaden your notion of what it means to have parental energy in this world and just think about how the world is a better place because you're in it.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: So my fifth piece of advice is to trust the process.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: If you are on the fertility journey, there is a reason that you're on it.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I truly believe that people who want to become parents will become parents one way or another.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the journey is much longer than we would hope for, sometimes it takes more time, sometimes there's twists and turns that we couldn't have expected, and sometimes it's just truly heartbreaking.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I will say, though, people who stay committed to the process, people who tune into their intuition, people who trust their care team to guide them and their family members when appropriate I know not everyone's family is supportive but people who trust themselves and lean on their village, whatever that village is those people are ultimately successful in their goal of becoming parents, and so I would say trust the process, stay the course.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: If becoming a parent, becoming a father, is something that is important to you, just know that it will happen in the course of time, and just know that you are not alone.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: There are many, many other people who just have gaping wounds on this day, and just because it's a holiday, just because it's on our calendars, just because some people have joy and connection on this day, doesn't mean everybody does, and so, like I said, you're not alone.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Honor yourself, honor the process, and just know you are so loved.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: So, just as a recap, as I always do, stay off of social media or contain it.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: If you can Acknowledge your feelings and then let them go, you make sense.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Everything that you're going through makes sense.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Distract yourself, if that helps I do actually love that myself but just make sure it's an intentional distraction, not one that's by default.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: If you can Think about ways that you already embody parental energy and how the world is a better place because you're in it, then, lastly, remember to trust yourself and trust the process, because all will be well.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I truly believe that all will be well and you can handle anything that comes your way.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I think as long as you keep your values and your identity central and keep your village close, you can weather any storm and I truly believe that if this is something that you desire, it will happen in the fullness of time.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: So with that, like I said, a big compassionate hug.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I support you.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I love you.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Talk to you soon.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Bye.