Latest / Back Porch Confessions / Our First Exhausted Word - Fine
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Back Porch Confessions: If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Gravesb41: Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: This is Backporch Confessions. I'm fine. The 47 things we really mean when we say the most overused word in the emotional vocabulary. This is a Back Porch Confessions deep dive. Welcome in, everybody. Make sure you're grabbing your coffee. Make sure you get comfortable. Because today I'm going to ask you one of the most dangerous questions known to mankind. Are you ready? Are you okay? And approximately ninety-seven percent of us are going to answer that. I'm fine. Fine. Fine. What the heck does fine even mean? Truly. What does it mean? Because apparently, this tiny little four-letter word, it has become responsible for communicating every human emotion known to mankind. at this point it's kind of comical. how was your day? Fine. How's your marriage? Fine. How are the kids? Fine. How are you handling your mother's death? Fine. How are you doing since the divorce? Fine. How's work? It's fine. How's your mental health? Fine. How are you doing after having your entire life flipped upside down, losing three people you love, questioning every decision you've ever made, sleeping four hours a night, surviving primary primarily really on caffeine and sprite, and wondering whether you're having a spiritual awakening or a nervous breakdown? How are you? I'm fine. Honey. No. We need some additional vocabulary. Seriously. Because sometimes fine absolutely means I'm okay. But sometimes fine absolutely means I am absolutely not okay. Sometimes it means I'm angry. Other times I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't trust you enough to tell you. Sometimes it's I don't even know what's wrong. Others it's I know exactly what's wrong, but we've already discussed it 42 times. And I'm not explaining that shiz to you again. So sometimes fine means, please ask me again. Other times, fine means and for the love of everything holy, don't ask. Me again. So the same word, but completely different messages. And somehow we're expected every person, you know, everybody that comes along around us to determine which version of the fine they're dealing with. Then we get mad when they choose incorrectly. Hi. So today on BackBorge Confessions, we're conducting an investigation. We're examining the 47 meanings of fine. And before we're finished, we're going to talk about something much bigger than a word. We're going to be talking about why human beings hide what they're actually feeling. Why some of us have learned that telling the truth about our emotions wasn't safe. Why women especially can become accustomed to saying we're fine while Carrie and everybody else's world on our backs, around on our shoulders, right? Lugging that backpack. Why people are people pleasers and say they're fine? Why trauma survivors say fine? Why grieving people say fine? Angry people say fine, exhausted mothers say fine, why marriages become filled with fine? Why friendships become fine? Why sometimes fine is a boundary. And why sometimes fine is avoidance, other times fine is a a cry for help, and why sometimes fine actually does mean fine. Because we're not banning the blasted word. I'm not trying to ban it. I'm just trying to Stop making one little word do the emotional work of an entire dictionary. So we're gonna do that today. At least I'm going to attempt to do that. Fine? Perfect. We're gonna get this. We've got some shiz to figure out. Welcome in. Welcome to the jungle, people. Let's learn why. Why behind the word. Before we get into our 47 seven versions of fine, I want to talk about why this word is so appealing. Fine is safe, right? It feels safe. Fine doesn't require explanation. Fine doesn't make anybody uncomfortable usually fine doesn't start arguments fine doesn't require us to have vulnerability fine doesn't require somebody to well to know what we say or you know it doesn't require somebody else to know what to say right the word find it's is they're not gonna know they're not gonna need to know what to say I'll get that out at some point y'all I'm fine. Fine allows us to end a conversation quickly. and people who have spent their lives taking care of everybody else. Fine is efficient. Are you okay? Fine. Conversation over. Back to taking care of everybody. But there is a cost to continually saying you're fine when you're not, right? Because eventually people believe you. And then sometimes we resent them for being the answer we gave them. We're starting early today. That one bites, don't it? Anyway, think about that. Somebody asks, Are you okay? And you say, I'm fine. They say, okay. And walk away. And internally you're thinking, seriously? You believed me? Well, honey, you did say fine. Which technically brings us to our first conversation of it, or the first version rather, not conversation. I don't know. We might have whole conversations over this. The first version, the number one I'm fine, is I'm fine. I'm actually fine. Let's begin with the rare and elusive creature. Sometimes fine means fine. Nothing is wrong. Nothing needs fixing. You're not secretly angry. You're not suppressing trauma. You're not testing anybody. You're genuinely okay. How was lunch? Fine. How's the weather? Fine. How is the movie? Fine. Not everything needs emotional excavation. Sometimes fine is simply a natural answer. The problem isn't using the word. The problem is when fine becomes our answer regardless of what we're actually feeling. Use number two. I'm not fine, but I don't want to talk about it. This one's different. And it's valid. Privacy is not dishonesty. You are not required to emotionally undress for everybody who asks. How are you? Maybe you aren't ready. Maybe they're not. You know, maybe they're not the person to to have to address things with. I'll get it spit out. Maybe it's not the place to do it. Maybe, maybe you need time or they need time to think about it. The healthier version might eventually become I'm having a difficult day, but I'm not ready to talk about it. That's honest and it's boundary, right? It's honest and it's boundary. Use number two seems okay. Number three, I'm not fine, but I don't trust you with the truth. Whew. Mm-hmm. I've had a few of those. There's one, sometimes we say fine because experience taught us that certain people cannot safely hold our vulnerabilities, our secrets, our stories. Maybe they gossip. Maybe they minimize. Maybe they weaponize the information for later. Maybe everything becomes about them. Maybe they immediately start giving advice. Maybe they've demonstrated that your feelings aren't safe with them. So how are you? Fine. Sometimes that is wisdom. Not everybody deserves the unedited version of you. Right? So number four, I don't know what I feel. Have you ever genuinely just not known something's wrong? You feel off, irritated, heavy, restless, but you can't identify it. You don't know what's wrong with you. Melancholy kind of feeling. How are you? I'm fine. Because explaining something you don't understand yourself kind of feels impossible in that moment. Sometimes we need time to identify our emotions before we can even communicate them. So try something along the lines of Something just feels off today. I haven't figured out what it is yet. That's emotional honesty. Use number five. I'm overwhelmed. This is the mother carrying groceries while answering the phone, remembering three appointments, making dinner, worrying about money, answering emails, checking on everybody else, realizing she hasn't sat down since approximately two thousand and six. How are you? Fine No ma'am. You're one unexpected inconvenience away from crying because somebody put an empty milk carton back in the refrigerator. That's not fine. That's overwhelmed. And naming it matters. It's okay to say I'm overwhelmed. Not just I'm fine. Number six. I'm exhausted. Not sleepy. Exhausted. There is a difference. Sometimes sleep fixes tired. Exhaustion can be physically, mentally, emotional, and spiritual. It's I don't want anybody to need anything from me. I don't want another decision. I don't want another problem. I don't want another notification. I don't even want to decide what we're having for dinner. That's not fine. That's depletion. So the sixth use of fine is depletion. Number seven I'm trying not to cry. You know this fine. Most of us do. We've all been here. Voices slightly get higher. I'm fine. No, you're approximately seven seconds from mascara becoming a historical artifact. Cause that stuff's about to get washed away. Sometimes saying anything more will open the floodgates. So we say fine. Because we're trying desperately to maintain our composure. Watched one of my friends do that this morning. She's had great loss. She's trying not to lose it on her live again. Bless her heart. She was trying to be fine. She was using number seven. Number eight. If I start talking, I'm going to fall apart. She also was in this category. This is deeper than trying not to cry. This is I've been holding myself together with duct tape and caffeine. And somehow you know if I say the first true sentence, everything behind it is coming to. So the go to fine because you do not have the emotional capacity to open that door yet. You're not ready. You don't want to cross over to that boundary. It's not the time, it's not the place, and you're not ready to do it right now. So you use number eight. Number nine. I need somebody to notice I'm not fine. Now, we're getting complicated because sometimes fine is secretly an invitation. Right? We don't want to say, please help me. We want to say or we really want someone to look at us and say, No, no, you're not. What's going on? Why? Because being noticed sometimes feels like being loved. But remember our conversation about they should know if they've listened to any of my other things. This becomes dangerous when we're testing people. Sometimes the healthier choice should be, actually, I'm struggling today. Can we talk? That's the mature response with somebody you trust. Use number ten. I don't want to be a burden. This one breaks me a little. Because somewhere somebody learned my feelings are too much. My problems inconvenience people. Other people have it worse. Nobody wants to hear this. So you suffer quietly. We just hold it in. And when somebody asks, How are you? Fine. Sometimes people who say fine the fastest are the people who most need permission to say, I'm having a hard time. And they need to feel safe enough to say that to you. Have you ever been somebody's safe space? Have you ever been that person for someone that could totally open up to you? People in number ten need it. I'm fine, number eleven. Mm-hmm. Other people have it worse. Yes, the martyrs. Somebody does, somebody always will. That doesn't invalidate your experience. If you broke your arm and somebody else broke both legs, your arm is still broke. Pain isn't a competition. You don't need to win the trauma Olympics. Before you're allowed to admit something hurts. So if you're using fine in number eleven And you don't want to be a burden, learn that you're not. You're not always a burden to everyone. It's okay to say something hurts. Fine number twelve. I'm surviving. Sometimes fine really means I'm functioning. I've been there a lot lately. And functioning gets confused with wellness, right? You got out of bed, you worked, you fed the kids, you answered the emails, you smiled. Therefore, everyone assumes she's fine. But functioning and thriving are not synonymous. Think about it. Stop and think about the two. Sometimes you're not fine. Sometimes you're surviving very efficiently. How many of you are identifying with I'm fine? Number twelve. I'm surviving. I'm functioning. My response sometimes that I have is I'm kicking. Not real high, but I'm kicking. So before we move on to the next part, I wanna ask, which fine do you most use? Or use most often rather. When somebody asks how you're doing, do you answer automatically? Do you even check in with yourself first? When did you learn to say fine? Who taught you that difficult emotions should be hidden? Where emotions or were emotions rather welcomed in your childhood? Could you cry? Could you be angry? Could you say I'm scared? Could you need reassurance? Could you ask for help? Or were you told to stop crying? Get over it. You're too sensitive. Other people have it worse. Could be in dramatic. Well maybe maybe I'm fine wasn't something you consciously chose. Maybe it was something you learned because you were never allowed. To express that you weren't fine. You weren't allowed. have a problem, to have emotions, to have needs, and to just simply not be fine. So now we're gonna migrate into the angry finds. When fine means anything but fine. We need to discuss now the most dangerous version of fine. And that's the relationship fine. When somebody asks what's wrong, and nothing comes out. Are you mad? Nope. Are you sure? I'm fine. Sir, you are in danger zone. Mm-hmm. Because if You went she went or he went from nothin' and nope to I'm fine. Mm you best be paying attention to that tone. Because that vine is an angry vine. And that is not okay. Yep. So number thirteen. I'm fine. Is I'm pissed. Mm-hmm. This fine usually has punctuation. Fine. Period. No emojis, no elaborations. Fine. Possibly a cabinet closes slightly harder or maybe even a door. The necessary. This isn't fine. This is anger attempting to maintain plausible deniability at the moment. When that fine comes out, be careful. Find number fourteen. You should already know why I'm mad. our old friend. They should know syndrome. Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing. Are you upset? No. Did I do something? I'm fine. Translation. You have approximately four minutes to search a memory and identity. Of Cedophans. Because there's a problem. Houston, there's a problem. We turn communication into a guessing game when using this one. And then punish somebody for guessing incorrectly. This is a dangerous one. Mm-hmm. I'm fine fifteen. I've already explained this. This one's a little different. Because sometimes you have communicated repeatedly, clearly, and you're exhausted. So fine means I don't have the energy to have the same conversation again. Well, that kind of deserves attention, doesn't it? If someone continually tells you what hurts them and nothing changes, eventually silence isn't always peace. Sometimes it should be recognized. There should be a recognition that comes along with this when it's coming from a loved one. If they've had the conversation and they stop conversating and nothing has changed, you better wake up. That's a whole different find. Find number 16. I've given up trying to make you understand. This vine is the quiet one and sometimes dangerous for relationships. Almost almost always dangerous because anger still contains engagement. You're still you still care enough to argue. Resignation sounds like fine, whatever, do what you want. And sometimes that's when emotional disconnection has already begun. When you start hearing those words and you actually care about the relationship, you might want to perk up and pay attention. Find number 17. Do whatever you want. Lord, if you ever hear a woman especially say this, fine, go. Fine, buy it. Fine, invite them. Fine. Do whatever you want. Technically. It's permission, right? They said you can do it. Emotionally, if you have any emotional intelligence, emotionally, absolutely not permission. It's not. This is where we need to stop communicating in emotional riddles. If you don't agree, say you don't agree. Because when you use this fine, it's it's it's probably gonna tear apart the relationship. If it continues down this road. I'm fine, number eighteen. I'm hurt. Anger does what? Anger gets attention. Hurt feels vulnerable. Sometimes we present hurt as irritation. Fine. Whatever. I don't care. But underneath all of those whatever's and I don't cares, that's hurt. Sometimes anger is simply. hurting wearing armor. So if you're dealing with fine number 18 that hurt me. Be careful because they're walking around with that armor, and you need to pay attention. I'm fine number nineteen. I feel dismissed. You tried to explain. They minimized it. You're too sensitive. You're overreacting. It's not that serious. So fine. Conversation over. But you're not fine. You actually feel unseen. Not a find that we need to get accustomed to using. But here it is lingering in at nineteen. Number twenty. I feel unappreciated. You did the work. You remembered. You planned. You gave. And absolutely nobody noticed. How are you? Fine. But inside? Inside? Does anybody see what I do around here? That's what you're feeling. Sometimes resentment grows in this. We don't want the resentment to grow. Resentment grows in the space between effort and acknowledgement. Don't let it linger there. Don't linger in the area of resentment. It is no man's land, no return. Be careful with I'm fine, number twenty. Number twenty one. I'm disappointed. Disappointment is difficult because it requires admitting I'd hoped for something. And you didn't meet that hope. Sometimes we'd rather say fine than admit someone mattered enough to disappoint us. We don't like to admit disappointment for some reason. We would rather not hurt that person's feelings the paper pleasers, you know, the people pleasers. We would rather not hurt that person's feelings. It's not a safe zone to be in. Find twenty one. Number twenty two. I'm jealous. boy. Yep, we're gonna go there. Sometimes jealousy embarrasses us. It happens. We're humans, right? So rather than say that made me feel insecure, we say fine. Jealousy doesn't automatically make you controlling or bad, even though we may feel that way. Sometimes jealousy is information. The question is what you do with it. Do you continue down the path of jealousy with the I'm fine? It's fine. They can do whatever, you know. She can touch him. He can go over and have that conversation with her and put his arm around her, you know, he can I'm fine, it's fine. But it's not it's not fine. I'm fine number 23. I feel rejected. This one is tender. Rejection is is tough. It hurts. Maybe somebody didn't call that you thought would maybe you didn't get invited. maybe they didn't choose you to go do something or be a part of something. maybe they didn't respond to something. How you'd wish they would or hoped they would. You brought up an idea, you brought up something, and they didn't really feel the same way, so they just didn't really respond the way you wanted. Now you feel rejected, you feel embarrassed. That made me feel that way. It kind of feels humiliating. So we go to fine. We try to say that we're fine, but we're not. Rejection doesn't disappear because we name it. So name it. I think that Knowing That somebody feels rejection based off of something that we didn't intend for them to feel that, because most often than not, more often than not, you don't have that feeling of rejection. If somebody is aware enough that their answer or response to you might feel that way. Or if we have enough emotional intelligence on our behalf to be able to say, well, that was kind of embarrassing, and that's not exactly what I was expecting from you. And this is kind of what I was looking for. to happen and if you can have that conversation instead of letting yourself sit in that humiliation of rejection that probably wasn't even meant to be rejection. I'm fine number twenty four. I'm keeping the peace. How many of you have done that? How many of your friends have done that? Have you seen your mother do it? I'm keeping the peace. I'm just not going to address this. Yes. Some of us have learned that honesty causes conflict. So we agree, right? Fine. That's fine. No problem. Whatever you want. But repeatedly keeping the peace externally can create a war internally. And that's where resentment grows. Don't live in resentment. Don't let it grow. Be emotionally mature enough to be able to say, I don't really want that. I don't really want this. Set that boundary and be okay with setting those boundaries. Don't live in the I'm fine, number 25. Number 24, rather. Number 25 is the next one we're going to. Lord, it's stuff being human and being a podcaster. anyway, number twenty five. Kinda goes with that last one, on people pleasing, right? People pleasers know exactly what I'm probably getting ready to say. Would you mind doing this? Fine. Yeah, sure. I I can stay late so we can do that. That's fine. I'm fine. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. can everybody come to your house? Sure. yeah, that's fine. That sounds great. Can you handle this? Mm-hmm. Yep, it's fine. Yeah, let's do it. Meanwhile, your s your soul is inside scraping, going, no, no, No, I'm not I'm not okay with this. I have anxiety now. I I'm not ready. I'm not emotionally, mentally, or prepared in any way for this to happen right now. I don't want people at my house. I don't like a lot of people at my house. And then on the inside, you're falling apart. Fine becomes a substitute for a boundary. I'm fine, but you're not fine. Now you're falling apart. And you're going to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted at the end of this. Because you allowed this to happen, because you didn't have enough emotional maturity to say, No, I don't want this to happen at my house. Let's pick a different place. And that's okay. They get mad and let them. Anyway, I want to ask you another thing though, before I go a little further in this. How many things have you agreed to while saying that's fine? But we're just really absolutely not fine with you. Like you were not okay with it. How much resentment in your life began with a yes? That should have been a no. I want you to sit with that one for just a little bit. How much resentment in your life began with a yes? That should have been a no. Now we're gonna go into the sad, the scared, and the grieving fines. When fine protects something tender. This part is I'm gonna try to be a little softer because sometimes fine isn't anger. Sometimes fine is really protection. So we go into fine twenty-six. I'm grieving. Fine. People ask, how are you doing? I'm fine. What else are you supposed to say? When my entire world feels wrong. And I don't know who I am without this person. Sometimes fine is a simple, easier answer. when really you're grieving. And you're struggling. But because you don't know the answer to the grief. You just say you're fine because it's easier. I'm fine twenty seven. The I'm lonely one. You can be surrounded by people who are And be lonely. You could be living with your husband or spouse of s of whatever kind and still be lonely. Being married and being lonely, have friends and being lonely. Have thousands of followers and be lonely. Loneliness isn't always absence of people. Sometimes it's absence of connection. Someone will say, How are you doing? I'm fine. When really you're lonely. You have that absence of connection. You just don't wanna say anything about it 'cause it's kind of embarrassing. Maybe even you feel you deserve it. That's a lonely one in and of itself. The I'm find number 28 is I'm scared. Fear, fear can feel vulnerable, right? Especially for people accustomed to being strong. So how are you handling everything? Fine. I'm handling it fine. I'm fine. It's fine. When in all actuality, you're probably scared shiseless and don't know how to say that. When someone is coming back across to you, when you ask them how they're handling everything and they've been through some kind of traumatic event and they say, I'm fine, I'm I'm fine, I'm handle it's I'm handling it okay. They're scared. They're scared and they don't know how to say it. Pick up on that. Pick up on that. Help that person. I'm fine 29. That one rhymed. I'm anxious. Have I felt this one? I'm anxious. Sometimes your mind just won't shut off. What if, what if, and what if? But externally, you're trying to say, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I have a lounge set that's got a crazy cat on the front of it. Says, I'm fine, everything's fine. Well, the cat is like crazy. I'm sure you all have seen those things. But sometimes the calmest looking person in the room has the loudest mind, has the mind that won't shut off, has the mind that just keeps going and truly isn't fine. And they need a safe space, a safe place to be able to be fine. Have you ever tried being f being there for somebody like that? truly a blessing. I'm fine. Thirty. I feel empty. Not sad exactly. Not angry verse A. Just blah, just nothing. that strange emotional limbo where you know you're alive, but y you don't feel connected to much. It's just empty space. Fine becomes the closest word because you don't know what else to call it. You don't you don't understand that you're feeling empty. So you're fine. I'm fine. Really. I'm fine. And you can just hear it. You hear it in them. I'm fine 31. This is the numb fine. I have a few friends that are probably sitting in this. That numb fine. Numbness can happen when emotions become overwhelming. Sometime the mind, some you know, sometimes rather, sometimes the mind essentially is saying, that's enough for now. And just shuts the volume down. Numb isn't necessarily fine. N numb isn't fine. Sometimes numb means I felt too much for too long. So if you are at that numb state, you have probably held too much for too long. And it's time to empty that backpack. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, and this is the first podcast you're listening to, go back and listen a few ago. Not sure which one it is. But a couple of them I talk about emptying podcast emptying your bat backpacks in my podcast. Anyway, go find them. Number thirty-two. I'm heartbroken. Breakups, betrayals, death, estrangement, disappointment. Some heartbreak doesn't have language. So what do we say? So we say fine, because explaining the size of the loss feels completely impossible. How do you explain what happened to somebody who has not been through it? When you don't even know how you're feeling. So we revert to the word I'm fine. When truly we are actually heartbroken. Find number thirty three. I miss someone. Sometimes that's the entire problem. Nothing needs fixing. Nobody needs any advice right now. You just simply miss somebody. And there is no solution for missing someone who cannot be where you wish they were. Maybe they are still here and you just can't be with them anymore. Maybe they're no longer here on Earth. And sometimes we're not fine because we're missing someone. It's okay to say that. We don't have to say we're fine. I'm fine number thirty four. I'm ashamed. Shame loves silence. Let me say it again. Shame loves silence. Shame says, Don't tell anybody. Don't be telling anybody. They'll judge you. They'll see you differently. So what do we what do we say? Fine. But shame grows in secrecy, right? So safe connection connections where I can speak, yeah. I probably need to drink. Save connections can become and or begin when when loosening the grips happen. So if you loosen those grips and you and you don't feel the shame because you're trying to hide things in secrecy. J you don't want to be judged. Loosen those grips and let go of the ashamed part because it's not necessary all the time. Number thirty five. I'm gonna get that drink. I feel like I failed. Marriage ended. Business failed. Parenting didn't look like you imagined it would. You made a mistake. You didn't accomplish the thing that you thought you were going to accomplish. How are you now that that didn't happen? How are you now that the marriage is over? I know you did that one thing, and it's okay, but it's okay. How are you now? Fine. I'm fine. But internally, You're feeling like a failure. Failure is something that happens. It does not have to become who you are. Don't live in that limbo. Failure should be viewed as something that happens. Fail until you don't. Fail forward, but keep failing. It doesn't have to become who you are. Don't live in unfine number thirty five. Find number 36. I'm worried about somebody else. Sometimes our life is okay. But if someone we love isn't a child per se, a parent, a friend, maybe even a spouse. And because it isn't our story to share, we say fine. But carrying someone or carrying a concern really for someone you love can really become exhausting. So n it's not always necessary. To carry that weight. It's not generally ours to carry, but understand why we do it. We're humans with empathy. We carry that when we worry about somebody. But if if we have that concern, address it with them. Don't stick at the I'm fine. Have that conversation so you don't end up exhausted. I'm fine number thirty seven. I don't want advice. I want comfort. I have been there with this one a few times. Sometimes we don't tell people because we already know what's coming. Have you tried? You should. If I were you Maybe right now I don't need that damn TED talk. I don't want it. I don't want your Ted talk. Maybe I need should sound more like that sounds really hard. Sometimes fine can mean I don't have the energy for your solution. But I need your presence. I don't know. That one can be answered in so many different ways. Sometimes we just need somebody's presence. We just need to be held. And we don't need their TED talk. The biggest we're over it. Usually at that point we're overwhelmed and anxious anyway. We really don't want to hear the TED talk. Besides, their circumstances are different. What do they know about it? Anyway, find number thirty eight. I need help, but don't know how to ask. Strong people struggle with this. Helpers struggle with this. Caretakers struggle with this. People who pride themselves in independence struggle with this a lot. They will drown while trying to say, No, really, I'm I'm fine. I'm fine. And and they're barely keeping their head above water. Sometimes strength is saying, I can't carry this alone today. Can you help me? Can you help me carry this? Today. So just a little bit of reflection before I move on. Who who in your life gets the real answers from you? Who gets it? Who gets fine and who gets I'm actually struggling? And do you have at least one person with whom you don't have to be fine? Because as I've said a few times, everybody needs somewhere to put the armor down so they can rest. Fine. The find that's that keeps us stuck in learning a new language. And now This one this one's a different kind of fine. We're gonna go going in to look at the version of fine that sometimes keeps us idle in in life, in emotions. And it's the one that we just have been pushed to a point where we are are kind of beyond the numb part or somewhere limbo in between. And it's it's the The I don't want to deal with it kind of feeling. It's the avoidance fine. It's the nothing's wrong if I don't acknowledge it fine. It it it maybe it'll disappear if I just ignore it. Sometimes problems do pass. Others grow interest. Just know the difference. number 40. I'm pretending it didn't hurt. This is pride. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care what they say. I don't care that they did that. I don't care that they put this out there about me or whatever. I don't care. Guess what? Yes you do. Yes you do. And caring isn't weakness. Somebody mattered, something hurt, you're human. Something mattered. There's there's something to happen, something went down, and it hurt. You're human. It's okay. You're allowed to hurt. But we we don't give ourselves enough grace to to know that and to feel it. We don't allow ourselves enough room to be human. Number 41. I'm trying to convince myself. I've done this a few times, probably even recently. Sometimes the I'm fine isn't meant for them. It's meant for us. Cause we're trying to really believe that we're fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Yep. I'm fine. I'm fine. It's gonna be okay. I'm fine. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll just believe it, right? Maybe if I keep saying it, it's just gonna come true. I'm gonna manifest it. But affirmations without acknowledgement can become avoidance. Healing starts with truth. Be truthful with yourself. It's okay that you're not okay. It's okay to not be okay. Number 42. I'm afraid of what happens if I'm honest. And this one, y'all, is huge. What if I say I'm unhappy in my marriage? What if I admit I'm burned out? What if I admit I don't really like my job? What if I admit this friendship hurts? What if what if I what if I'm acknowledging the truth In the truth then requires change. Sometimes we say fine because truth might require that decision. And we we just aren't ready to make that decision or a decision that is going to alter our life. So we just aren't honest in number 42. And we stay in the I'm fine until we can emotionally get to the part where we can make that decision. Don't stay there too long. Some people linger there for years. Number forty three. I don't want to disappoint you. There's the people blazing again. Maybe everybody expects you to love something. A career, a marriage, opportunities, family traditions. So fine is your response because telling truth could disappoint somebody. But you really in actuality don't want to do it. Living an authentic life to protect everybody else's comfort eventually disappoints you. Right? Living an inauthentic life to protect everybody else's comfort eventually disappoints only you. Don't live in that disappointment of your own decision. To people please, because you didn't want to disappoint or hurt someone's feelings. Number 44. I'm fine. I'm trying to be strong. Strength. gets misunderstood. We think strength means don't cry, don't complain, don't need, don't fall apart. But strength, it can also sound like this is really hard. It's okay to not be okay. You don't become weak because you tell the truth. The truth doesn't make you weak. Honestly, it's quite the opposite. Number forty five. I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet. This is kind of that hopeful find. you're not falling apart anymore, but you're not fully yourself yet either. You're somewhere in between in that limbo state, healing, learning, rebuilding. Maybe fine isn't entirely inaccurate. Maybe fine means I'm finding my way. I'm getting there. This fine isn't entirely bad. It's it's okay to kind of be in that lymbostic. We all go through it, especially the older we get, with a loss in our life. Find number forty-six. I'm different now. Sometimes life changes you. Trauma, loss, divorce, age, motherhood, emptiness syndrome, menopause, betrayal, healing. And then somebody ask, When are you going to be back to your old self? Maybe you're not. Maybe fine means I'm learning this version of myself. And maybe she doesn't need to become who she was. Maybe she needs to become somebody new. So I'm fine. I'm different now. Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes it's okay to say I'm different instead of. It's fine. I'm fine. It's okay to accept the changes and find a new you. I'm fine, number 47. I'm going to be okay. And here we are. The final fine. Not everything's perfect. Not nothing's hurting. Not I've figured everything out. But I'm going to be okay. Maybe I'm not okay today. Maybe today hurts a little more than yesterday. Maybe I'm grieving a little more. Maybe I'm angry. I'm tired. Maybe I'm currently just rebuilding who I was, learning new boundaries, letting go of somebody, finding myself all over again and starting over. Maybe I don't know what happens next. But somewhere underneath all of it, I believe I'm going to be okay. And that one is a fine I can live with. So what do we say instead of fine? Here's the challenge. I want you to expand your emotional vocabulary. Instead of I'm fine, try, I'm overwhelmed, I'm disappointed, I'm worried, I'm grieving, I'm irritated, I'm lonely. Whew, I am overstimulated, I'm tired. I'm more tired than I'm I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I'm anxious. I'm confused. I'm so disappointed. I'm scared. I'm emotionally drained. I need some space. I need reassurance. I don't need advice. I need you to listen. I don't want to talk about it yet. I don't know what I need. I need help. Today is hard. I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm healing. I'm getting there. Or maybe I don't know exactly how I am right now, but I'm definitely not fine. That's allowed to. There's questions we need to ask definitely. Maybe we also need to change how we ask other people. Instead of how are you? Maybe try how are you really doing? What has been heavy lately? What's taking up most of your headspace? Do you want advice, help, or just somebody to listen? What do you need today? Is there something you're carrying that you haven't talked about? Sometimes don't ask anything. Just sit beside somebody. Because sometimes presence says more than questions ever could. I want you to think about the last time somebody asked how are you? And you said fine. Were you? What was the real word? Angry, lonely, scared, overwhelmed, grieving, disappointed, exhausted, numb, or maybe you really were fine. Now ask yourself Why didn't I use the real word? Was I protecting myself? Protecting them? Avoiding conflict? Avoiding vulnerability? Did I believe they wouldn't care? Did I think my feelings were too much? Did I not understand the feeling myself? And here's the biggest question. What might change in my relationships if I started giving people honest answers? Not everybody. Everybody doesn't deserve full access. But the safe people, your people. What would happen if instead of I'm fine you said, actually, I could use somebody today? Maybe fine isn't really the problem. It's just a word. Four letters. F I N E. The problem is everything we've taught those four letters to hide. Grief, anger, fear, loneliness, exhaustion, disappointment, shame, anxiety, heartbreak, need. Sometimes an entire lifetime is sitting behind I'm fine. And nobody knows. Because we've become so dang good at saying it. So maybe our work isn't eliminating the word. Maybe our work is learning that we're allowed to tell the truth. I'm struggling. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm pissed. I'm lonely. I miss them. I need help. I need space. I need somebody to listen. I don't know what I need yet. I'm healing. I'm happy. I'm okay. Those are human answers. And maybe the people who truly love us deserve the opportunity to know us beyond fine. But that requires something scary. We have to let ourselves be known. And that's vulnerability. That's intimacy. That's connection. Because somebody cannot support the version of you that you keep insisting doesn't exist. So this week, when somebody you trust asks, How are you? before automatically saying, Fine, pause. Just for a second. Check in with yourself. How am I? And give the real answer. I'm having a hard day. Maybe I'm actually really happy today. Or maybe I need a hug. Or I'm worried. Or I don't want to talk about it yet. But thank you for asking. Maybe you smile and say, I'm fine. For once, you actually mean it. And wouldn't that be something? Wouldn't that be something? Anyway, this has been Back Porch Confessions. Where you never have to pretend everything is perfect. Where messy gets a chair. Grief gets a chair. Anger gets a chair. Healing gets a chair. Laughter for darn sure gets a chair. And you, my sweet friends, you always have a seat here. So take care of yourself. Check on your people. Ask twice sometimes. Listen without fixing, and stop expecting four little letters to explain an entire human heart. Until next time, I'll see you right back here on the back porch. And if somebody asks how the podcast was, tell them fine. No, really. Tell them it was fabulous. Have we learned nothing? It was fabulous. Bye, y'all. Check out the commercials. See you next time. Much love. Bye. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.