Latest / ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women / 150 // Unrealistic Expectations, ADHD and Self-Doubt

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150 // Unrealistic Expectations, ADHD and Self-Doubt · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  Doubting ourselves in the goals that we set, in our capabilities,
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  in whether we can do something or follow through or be a good friend or get
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  a job or whatever it is, can be a really exhausting place to be in.
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  And that's something that we're going to talk about in today's episode is how
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  do we overcome self-doubt in ADHD.
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  Are you tired of feeling like you don't fit in, like you're not good enough the way you are?
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  In this podcast, I will give you the strategies to build God-centered confidence
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  so you can know in your heart that you do belong, you are enough,
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  and you are made on purpose and with a purpose.
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  Hey, I'm Kelsey Spronk, fellow ADHD mom and entrepreneur.
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  Join me in building confidence so you can experience success with ADHD in all areas of your life.
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  So go grab yesterday's coffee from the microwave and let's get started.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast.
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  I am your host, Kelsey, and today we're going to talk about self-doubt in ADHD.
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  Where does it come from? How can we become aware of it? And how can we overcome it?
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  Make sure you stick around until the end because at the end of the episode,
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  I will give you three simple tips that you can use to overcome self-doubt when you are struggling.
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  So in today's episode, I want you to consider a few different things.
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  The first one is, what are your expectations?
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  Your expectations of yourself, of those around you. What are your expectations
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  of what you should be able to accomplish?
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  What the time frame is that you give yourself? Whether you consider the fact
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  that you might need support or how much support.
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  Are you thinking about what stage of life you're in or what else is happening in your life?
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  For example, are you grieving the loss of someone or something in your life?
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  Are you going through a challenging medical or health condition that needs to be considered?
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  There are so many different components that go into our expectations.
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  And it's important to start with an awareness of what are your expectations.
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  If you really, you know, sat down and thought about and broke it down,
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  what are you expecting of yourself? Are you expecting yourself to try?
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  Or are you expecting yourself to do it 100% and to succeed the first time without
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  any errors, without any setbacks, without any support?
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  It's important to think about these things because we need to have an awareness
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  so that we can analyze and look at whether these expectations are realistic.
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  Is it realistic to do something
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  110% the first time without any errors
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  or setbacks or without any support and I mean I think you know the answer to
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  that one for you but it's going to be different from person to person but this
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  is an important place to start is that often we can end up doubting ourselves
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  because we are setting ourselves up to feel like failures when our expectations are unrealistic.
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  The second one is how do you talk to yourself when you feel rejected,
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  when you feel like you've failed, when you feel like you haven't met your own
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  or someone else's expectations?
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  What do you say to yourself? What do you say about yourself?
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  Are you telling yourself how stupid you are, that you're always a failure,
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  that you're never going to amount to anything?
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  Or do you give yourself grace and compassion and say, hey, you know what? I did my best.
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  This is what I learned from this experience. This is what I'm going to do differently next time.
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  My worth and my value have not changed as a result of any of this.
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  And everyone has setbacks.
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  Everyone has times where it feels like they are failing and things aren't working.
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  And at that point, we have the choice of either picking ourselves back up and
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  keeping on trying or giving up.
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  So this second one here, I want you to have an awareness of how do you talk to yourself.
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  Obviously, if we want to build confidence, we're going to need to change the
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  way that we talk to ourselves, that internal dialogue, because if we are constantly
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  putting ourselves down, we are going to continue to be stuck in that self-doubt.
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  Number three, when you think about these expectations that you have for yourself,
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  where are these expectations coming from?
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  And whose expectations are they?
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  Now what I mean by this is, are these expectations coming from someone else
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  who doesn't understand fully your unique brain, your support or lack of support.
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  Your way of approaching things, nobody else can fully understand what we are experiencing.
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  And that's where it's important to have that self-awareness so that we can practice
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  self-advocacy, advocating for what it is we need in order for us to thrive and be successful.
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  So I want you to think about where are those expectations coming from?
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  Is a part of it that your nervous system is dysregulated and you feel unsafe,
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  so you're trying to live in perfectionism.
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  And is it, you know, comparison? Is it trying to, you don't feel loved,
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  so you're trying to gain that love and approval?
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  We need to kind of figure out where these expectations are coming from so that
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  we can address the root issue.
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  Another question here is asking yourself, are my expectations realistic?
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  Are these realistic based on timing, based on support, based on circumstances,
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  all of these different things.
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  And sometimes we can have these goals that in our current circumstances can
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  be quite lofty, but maybe in different circumstances in the future with the right support,
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  the time, the knowledge, and different sets of responsibilities can become realistic.
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  But it's important to give ourselves grace and compassion without that judgment
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  or shame for where we are right now.
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  That is not going to get us anywhere. We are not going to be motivated by making
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  ourselves feel like we're not good enough,
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  shaming ourselves when we can't reach these unrealistic expectations we've set for ourselves.
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  Another question to consider is what are you telling yourself is going to happen
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  if you don't meet these expectations? This is another form of kind of that internal dialogue.
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  What kind of catastrophizing are you participating, saying, you know,
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  if I don't do this, people are going to think I'm unreliable.
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  They're not going to trust me.
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  They're going to think I'm a terrible person. I'm not going to have any friends.
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  Whatever it is, whatever that story is that you tell yourself,
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  I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember that.
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  You already have worth and value no matter what you do or don't do.
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  And do we want to work towards being a good friend and a good spouse and being
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  reliable and all those things? Of course.
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  But I think we do ourselves a disservice when we think about all the negative
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  things that could potentially happen if we don't meet these expectations.
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  And then we can live in this perpetual cycle of doubting ourselves because we're
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  putting ourselves down before anything's even happened.
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  Something recently that Dr. Ari Teckman had shared with me, and that's in his
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  book as well, the ADHD Productivity Manual, he said, as far as kind of the social
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  repercussions of ADHD, it helps when people know your intentions.
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  So when you make plans with somebody, let them know, hey, I put that in my calendar with a reminder.
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  Hey, I've added that to my paper calendar and my phone calendar with two reminders.
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  Let them know your good intentions because that will go a long ways for the
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  times where we struggle to follow through or when something comes up.
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  The last one here is what kinds of skills or strategies or supports do you need
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  in order to succeed in your life, in order to follow through with the things
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  that are important to you.
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  Now, I'm not saying we need to succeed at everything all the time,
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  but I think when we have a plan and an understanding of how we can follow through
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  with what matters, and that's an,
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  important piece, is you need to know what matters to you.
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  But when you can also think about, you know, what skills do you possess?
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  What supports do you have?
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  What strategies can you use in order to live that meaningful life that you want
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  to live, in order to follow through with the things that matter most?
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  That's going to help build confidence. You're going to feel more confident when
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  you can follow through with the things that matter most to you.
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  And not all the time but more of
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  the times and it doesn't mean that you need to do
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  everything that originally you set out to
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  do but you need to know what is it that matters for you so I think about this
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  for me and with my with my kids something that I have recognized that matters
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  to me is is making sure that we have a good relationship and part of that for
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  me is not rushing them out of frustration and anger.
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  So when we're trying to get out of the house and get them to school or trying
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  to get somewhere at the end of the day is that I will choose keeping that,
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  relationship in a better standing than I will getting frustrated and snapping
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  at them, even if it means that we show up late to school.
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  Now, obviously, there can be other strategies for ensuring that we're going to be on time.
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  But when it's in that moment already, that is my reality is that we're running late.
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  I have recognized that I feel more confident in focusing on my kids than I do
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  in trying to rush to be on time.
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  So my point here is that as far as self-doubt, you need to have self-awareness.
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  You need to have an understanding of what matters most to you so that you can
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  follow through on those things, so that those can be the things that you work
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  towards, that you work on, because we're not going to be perfect ever.
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  And we're definitely not going to be able to do all of the things that we set
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  out to do. We have so many amazing ideas.
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  Those of us with ADHD, we have such creative, out-of-the-box thinking minds, and that's beautiful.
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  And it can also mean that we have so many different ideas.
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  And I want you to focus on the ones that matter most, what matters most.
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  Now, you're still with me, so I will give you those three simple tips to overcome self-doubt.
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  Number one, I want you to remember, you aren't in this alone.
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  It says in Philippians 4.13, I can do all things through him who gives me strength.
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  In Isaiah 26.3, it says, you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast
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  because he trusts in you. Remember, you are not alone.
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  Number two, when you're struggling with self-doubt, I want you to know that
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  your worth doesn't change based on what you have or haven't done,
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  based on the number of times you've followed through or haven't followed through.
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  That does not change your worth.
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  It's okay to try to work on ourselves, to work on things that are important
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  to us, to work on consistency or being reliable, however that looks for you.
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  But I want you to know beneath all of that as the foundation that your worth
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  is not dependent on those things.
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  The third one here for overcoming self-doubt, I want you to recognize and celebrate your contributions.
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  Even if they might be different than someone else's, what are the things that
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  you do that you have done that bless others around you, that encourage others?
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  Are you a good conversationalist? Do you encourage people?
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  Do you bring laughter to the group that you're a part of? Do you bring innovative ideas and solutions?
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  Are you somebody behind the scenes who is supporting people one-on-one?
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  What is it? Because I promise you that you have things that you bring to the
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  world, that you contribute to your relationships.
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  And keep in mind, this once again is not going to be all the time.
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  There are times where we are going through struggles and challenges,
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  and we might feel like we take more than we give.
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  But I want you to remember how you contribute, your skills, your gifts,
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  your talents, the ways that you bless and encourage others.
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  I hope you found something encouraging or helpful in this episode.
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  Don't forget to click that follow button so you don't miss out on future episodes.
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  I look forward to the next one. Until then, God bless.