Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / September 12, 2017 | Expresso - Diana Korbe

Transcript

September 12, 2017 | Expresso - Diana Korbe · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm Diana Corby, and I'm 23 years old.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna go ahead and read this because I do better at reading than just making it up.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have two wonderful parents, four brothers who also come with four sisters who are here, and then I have one sister and another brother.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Out of the six of us, I'm number five.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And they're that was supposed to be a second.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have a sweet niece and nephew as well.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um when Connie asked me to speak, I didn't hesitate to say yes because I believe the way that we can help others who are struggling is to first go through something that breaks us ourselves.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that our lives aren't perfect, but yet we can look at the person next to us and think, wow, they must really have it made, or that person right there really has their life together, when in reality that person is completely broken inside and barely getting by.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it's part of our calling to be to help the next person or be available for someone who's going through a difficult time, and how is someone supposed to know unless we share with them our story and how we've overcome our difficult times?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am telling you my story, not to have others judge me for my past, but to give hope to the brokenhearted.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've attended to BC my whole life.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I was five years old, my mom helped me accept Jesus Christ into my heart.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have grown up in a very religious family.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: My parents talked about God every day, and most importantly, when bad things happened that were out of their control, they turned to God's word for help.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, but yet unfortunately for me, God had not prepared my parents for what was about to wreck their daughter.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 13 years old, I was sexually assaulted.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I never told anyone because I felt as though it was my fault.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I felt shame, I felt violated, I felt weak, broken, scared, unloved, numb, worthless, fearful, depressed, anxious, hostile, and very alone.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: About seven months later, I told my older brother what had happened, and he made me tell my parents.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: At age 13, that wasn't something that came easy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing my parents did was reach out for help and guidance from others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing I did was go and see a counselor, but that didn't help me much.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was an eighth-grade girl who hated her life.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hated waking up every morning.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hated having to put on a fake smile and act like everything was okay.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I remember talking about suicide prevention at school, and I remember a girl in one of the videos who talked about cutting her wrist, and I thought to myself, that sounded like a great idea.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when I went home that day, that's what I did.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, it was only scissors that I had in my room.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I remember how bad it hurt, but the sting that it caused felt good because to me that felt like I could feel pain somewhere else in my body, and I wasn't numb to the situation.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: My parents had no idea this was going on.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: No one knew.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: However, when my mom did find out, she made another appointment with the counselor I'd previously seen, and again I felt like it wasn't helping.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I just kept my thoughts to myself and looked to find my happiness and other people.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school, I was now 15.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: There were good days and there were bad days, but at the end of the day, I still had the same feelings, but they felt much deeper and felt truer every day.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: High school's hard enough on kids as it is, but already having these thoughts about yourself makes it worse.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I kept all these thoughts to myself because I thought no one cared.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was a burden to my parents because they had a damaged child, and to my siblings, I was just their sister who had issues.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: The fall of my sophomore year, my parents had a small group, and it was just me and my little brother at home.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: That night I got into the medicine cabinet and I grabbed six different bottles of medicine, and I took a handful of each type.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I also remember seeing on the label not to mix with alcohol, so of course I went looking for any alcohol that would be in the house, and I found a bottle of vodka and drank some.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: After that incident, my parents found a different counselor for me to see, and I saw her for about six weeks.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I started feeling better, and the self-destructive thoughts I had about myself seemed to be better, and I felt better.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I also spent a lot of time with a close family friend, which is Carol, who tried her best to remind me how precious I was to God, to her, and to my family.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: As time went on, I still had days where the depression and anxiety came and went, but for the most part, I felt as if I could control it on my own.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need help from anyone else.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: In my mind, I was a 15-year-old who knew everything.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I look back at that and laugh because I know that's very untrue.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 20 years old, I was sexually assaulted again.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: After that happened, I went back to my original feelings of blaming myself, feeling shame, feeling violated, feeling weak, very broken, scared, unloved, numb, worthless, fearful, depressed, anxious, hostile, and alone.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, I didn't tell anyone for a couple of years this time.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I once again attempted suicide.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would take an overdose of pills, praying that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: After the fourth time of trying, a guy that I was dating at the time had stopped by my apartment and noticed I wasn't myself, and he had asked what I had done and put two and two together.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: He told me he was gonna tell my parents if I didn't, so of course I said I would tell them, but I never did.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: About a year later, I finally hit rock bottom and I realized I couldn't do it on my own.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had known this for about two years now, but I was too scared to ask for help.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that if I opened up and told my family they would be disappointed in me.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I remember talking with my dad years back and him saying how selfish it is for people to commit suicide, and the thought that went through my head didn't agree with him.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, how can suicide be selfish when you're ending your own life so that you don't have to be a burden to those who care about or who you care about?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I would be doing my family a favor.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: After all, I would be one less thing for them to worry about.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I felt as if I was a failure to them because I was incapable of handling my thoughts about myself, and that made it even harder to be open and honest with them.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is another thing I look back at and know my dad was right.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Suicide is a selfish thing, and I didn't realize what effect it would have on the people in my life who truly do love me.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I realized how much pain I would have put on them by being selfish and ending my own suffering.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: When I told my parents that I completely hated my life and I didn't want to go on anymore, they were completely shocked.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: My whole family was shocked, and my closest friends were in shock.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's how good of a front I put on.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is how good of a front your loved ones can put on as well.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: After the news was out, my mom reached out to get hope for what she should do, and she was given a list of counselors people recommended.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: The counselor I got paired up with was an answer to my prayers, and I'm sure my parents as well.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: She has been nothing but a true blessing in my life.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I first saw her, we briefly talked about my past and what had been going on.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And for the first time in my life, I felt like someone got me and knew the way I was feeling on the inside.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: My first assignment with her was to take a test and see where I was at.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: When I heard the results of having severe depression, mild anxiety, and PTSD, I was completely shocked.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not by the first tube, but by the PTSD.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It makes sense when you go through something traumatic, it's always going to stick with you until you work past it in a healing and healthy way.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It has been a year now since I started seeing her and it's night and day difference.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: When I first started counseling a year ago, I believed so many lies about myself and I didn't and that I didn't even realize were not true.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was still struggling with suicidal thoughts, with truly loving myself and accepting my past mistakes.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And now people who I haven't seen in years tell me they can see a true joy and happiness in me.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: They can see the light and hope in my eyes that wasn't there before.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: They can tell that my smile is a real genuine smile.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: As much as I would love to give my counselor all the credit for helping heal me, we both know that the credit goes to God.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: He gave my counselor the gift for helping others and to help them find their way and to find his purpose for them in this world, which is what I desperately needed.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: God has helped heal me from the inside out.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where I once felt unloved and worthless, I now feel so loved, and I love the person that I am.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Where I felt shame, I now feel honor.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel honored that I can share this traumatic event with friends, and I don't feel judgment of them, but in return, I gain their trust and I get to help them find hope in the trials that they are facing.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Where I felt broken, I now feel mended.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Where I once felt alone, I now feel God's presence and his unconditional love.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know that he has a purpose for me.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: When I look back on this past year, I see so many places where God worked in my life.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I had just gotten out of a two-year relationship, which I believe was because God wanted me to be completely alone.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Someone had broken into my apartment while I was inside, so I asked my parents if I could move back home, which being with them was great, so I could have their support through everything every single day.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had just started a brand new job, which brought me a few close friends, but one in particular, which is Claire.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: She knew that I had therapy on Mondays and came straight to work after.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So every single Monday, she would walk over to my desk and simply just give me a hug.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I learned what it I had learned what it meant to truly forgive.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: People always say forgiveness is for you and not for the other person, and I can't agree more with that statement.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's truly amazing how you can feel the weight lift off of your shoulders when you give it all to God and choose to trust in Him.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I reconnected with an old friend who happened to be on the same path as me, and um, we were there for each other throughout this whole and long process.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend since kindergarten was always there reminding me that I can come overcome anything with God's help.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: My mom's friends were always, always there for anything I needed, but most importantly, I had my family by my side every single day.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: From flowers to notes to phone calls or just spending time together.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: My sisters never left my side.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Every meltdown I had, they were always there to reassure me that everything was gonna be okay.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I can't thank my parents enough for getting me help, my mom for taking classes, trying to understand mental illnesses better, and for dealing with my constant up and downs throughout the year.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know it was not easy by any means, but they stuck it out with me, which is what every kid needs.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: We look to our parents for comfort, love, and acceptance.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: During the difficult times, I think we forget what's really important, and that's the people that we connect with every day.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know if I wa I know if it wasn't for these things happening this past year, my healing process would have been longer and more challenging.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I felt this severe depression for 10 years, and I cannot imagine having to face the numbness, the brokenness, anxiety, and feeling so worthless another day.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know that there are so many people out there hurting, and so many people out there just like me, faking a smile every day, and you just never know.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I encourage all of you to be a light somewhere else, whether it be your mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, a dear friend, or just a complete stranger.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're all broken inside and we need God to mend us every day.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: It took me a long time to get past the fear of being judged for my story.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: But once I shared it with a few close friends, it opened so many doors, doors that led to hearing so many other stories from broken people just like me, and to be able to talk openly with no judgment and getting to help guide my friends in the right direction to find help and hope and healing is a true blessing.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know that if I would have kept this all to myself, I wouldn't get to experience the joy and happiness of being able to physically see God mend a broken person.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: A year ago, my mom had given me a prayer that was for victims of abuse.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: The verse that went along with it was The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Psalms 34, 18.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the prayer goes, Father, I am thankful your shoulders are so broad and your heart is big, because I finally have the courage to come to you with my pain, my story, my confusion.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you when I was abused?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you when my innocence was assaulted and my heart was pillaged?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: When my body was violated and my world was vandalized?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you, Lord?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Were you too busy?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Were you away in some other part of the world?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Were you watching?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for not being affronted and for not shaming me for asking.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Father, I don't think I'm looking for answers as much as I'm craving your undivided attention, your listening and your presence.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: For years I've struggled to name the pain and own the shame, to not lose my heart and to find my voice.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I felt deeply disconnected, wanting intimacy but fearing it, even avoiding it.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I often wondered what was wrong with me, fearing the worst, minimizing the obvious.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Blessed be the day I was finally able to own my abuse.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Cursed be the day it happened.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hallelujah for the day, I'll be completely healthy and whole.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, Father, I have a lot of healing left in front of me.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Give me courage and grace.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Keep me far from those who would heal my wounds lightly.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Lead me at peace of at the pace of grace.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: May a true story I wish I could blot from my history become a means of mercy and hope for others.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to comfort me that I might comfort others.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Father, in Jesus' name I pray.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so thank you guys.