Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / why are we addicted to 'locking in'?

Transcript

why are we addicted to 'locking in'? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

0:00
How many times have you told yourself, this is it?
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This week I'm going to be disciplined, I'm going to wake
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up early, I'm going to hit the gym, I'm going to meal prep, I'm
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going to be productive. I'm going to get my life
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together. I'm going to finally pursue the
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dream that I want to pursue. I'm locking in.
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And how many times did that last?
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Maybe 3 days and then you crashed and you felt like
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garbage and you told yourself that you just need to try harder
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next time. That you're a failure and you
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beat yourself up because you cannot just lock in.
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We need to talk about this because this obsession with
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simply locking in is becoming way too common.
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We hear it all the time on social media.
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But what if the answer isn't locking in and instead looking
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in and seeing the hurt and the trauma and the pain that we need
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to work through before anything else?
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My name is Ethan Jewell and welcome back to Feel Your
0:59
Feelings. In my experience, locking in
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doesn't work. And trust me, I've been trying
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it for years and years. I am a young person who was on
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the Internet, who has been on the Internet for a long time and
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I am absolutely overwhelmed and always involved in this culture
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of locking in. And for a long time, I fully
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bought into it. I thought to myself that that
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was the way out, that I just needed to lock in, that I just
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needed to focus, that it was, it was all me, that, that I just
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didn't work hard enough. I wasn't disciplined enough, but
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I wasn't getting to the root issue.
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And the root issue is and was that I am depressed, that I have
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depression, that I've had depression for many, many years.
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And that is something that you cannot just lock in your way out
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of. And this, I think, is something
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that we see far too often, people experiencing symptoms of
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mental illness, convincing themselves that it's just
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laziness and that they just need to lock in.
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And then inevitably being disappointed and feeling like
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something is deeply wrong with them when they aren't able to,
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when it all comes crashing down, when they have to start at
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square one over and over again. And it is a vicious cycle that
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keeps repeating. So if you have been feeling like
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you need to just lock in and that you think you can just grab
2:25
this all under control, I want you to listen to this episode
2:29
because maybe it's just what you need to hear.
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You're not broken, you're not lazy, you're stuck in a cycle
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that was never designed to work in the 1st place.
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So let's first talk about why. Why are we all obsessed with
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this idea of just locking in? This is a relatively new phrase,
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but it's not a particularly new idea.
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I mean, first, it's everywhere right now.
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Social media has turned productivity into performance.
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Everyone is posting their 5:00 AM routines, their grind, you
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know their this is what my morning looks like, waking up at
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3:00 in the morning and working out three times a day.
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And the algorithm, it rewards it because it makes us feel like
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we're behind. So we watch the whole thing to
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compare ourselves to them. And it makes us feel like we
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need to buy a course or a planner or a supplement that
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finally makes us disciplined like the people that we see
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online. This idea of locking in is just
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hustle culture with a new paint job.
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It's the exact same message. You're not doing enough, you
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should be doing more. Rest is for the weak.
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If you're not grinding, you're falling behind.
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It gives an illusion of control. When life feels out of control,
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when your mental health is all over the place, when you don't
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know how to fix what's broken, locking in feels like the
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solution. And it is marketed as the
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solution. If you just had more discipline,
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more willpower, everything would fall into place.
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It's not about actually changing, it's about feeling
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like you have a plan. Declaring to the world that you
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are working hard on yourself gives you a hit of dopamine.
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You feel productive without actually doing anything about
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it. We're taught that our worth is
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tied to our output, but it's not.
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And sometimes there's a deeper root issue at play here that
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this idea of locking in completely glosses over.
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We're told if you're not productive, if you're not
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optimized, if you're not constantly improving, what are
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you even doing? We've internalized that rest is
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laziness, that's struggling means you're not trying hard
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enough, that needing a break is failing.
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So when we're burnt out, when we're depressed, when we're
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anxious, when we're overwhelmed, we don't think I need rest.
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I need to work on myself. I need to have a rest day.
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I I need to take care of my mental health.
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We think I need to lock in harder.
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And that is where the problem starts and stops.
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I need you to hear this. Your brain is not a machine.
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You cannot optimize your way out of being human.
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You cannot discipline your way out of depression.
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You cannot lock in your way out of burnout.
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You cannot willpower your way through exhaustion or anxiety.
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And when you try, when you push yourself harder and harder
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because you think of this as a problem that needs to be solved,
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you don't get better, you get worse.
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Because what we think of as laziness is probably your brain
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telling you that it needs a break.
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What you think is a lack of discipline might be your nervous
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system trying to protect you from burning out again.
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And what we call failure is probably just being a person
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that has limits, being a person that is struggling with their
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mental health. Locking in is not the solution.
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It is an attempt to solve the symptoms of mental illness, but
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it will not work. I don't want to say that being
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productive is a bad thing, but I do think that finding worth
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within productivity and trying to find healing by working
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harder and harder, that is the opposite of what you need to do
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when you wake up feeling depressed.
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And instead of saying, maybe I should take it easy on myself
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today, maybe I can do some inner work, Maybe I can work on my
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mental health today. If instead you go, I just need
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to lock in. I just need to work harder.
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It's my fault for sleeping in late.
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It's my fault for feeling this way.
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You are just pushing yourself deeper and deeper into that
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hole. It doesn't do any good.
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Your brain is not a machine that needs fixing.
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It's not something that you just have to grind and grind into the
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ground. It takes real rest, real work,
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real patience in order to heal your mental health, not just
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locking in. So what happens when we become
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addicted to locking in? What is the actual harm here?
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I mean, first of all, we create this awful all or nothing cycle.
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You tell yourself if you're not 100% locked in, then you're not
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committed, then you're not making any real progress, then
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you are a failure. And that is an impossible
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standard. Nobody is on all the time.
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Even the most successful hard working people, they are not on
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all of the time. You know, we don't allow any,
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any middle ground. We try to just just make it
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happen that all or nothing, thinking it makes everything
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worse because of if you're not doing it perfectly, why do it at
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all? So you quit and then you feel
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you've been worse about yourself, and then you wait
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until you have enough energy to try again.
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And then the cycle repeats over and over.
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And there's no real productivity happening here.
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There's definitely not any healing because we are just
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trying and then we are failing and then we are burning
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ourselves out. We're beating ourselves up and
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then trying again as soon as we have the energy and the cycle
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just keeps going. The second issue that this
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causes is it ignores what our bodies and brains are actually
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telling us. You're exhausted?
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Lock in. You're feeling depressed?
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Just lock in. You're burnt out?
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Lock in harder. We've been conditioned to
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override our signals, to push through, to treat rest like a
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reward instead of a basic human need.
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If you wake up feeling depressed, you do not need to
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just lock in. If you wake up feeling anxious,
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you don't just need to lock in. That is unrealistic, yet it has
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become ingrained into modern culture.
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You cannot hard work your way through a mental illness.
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You can for a while, but you're eventually going to get burnt
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out and the cycle will repeat. I'm not saying you have to pause
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your life entirely, that's unrealistic.
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But you need to care for you. You are worth more than just
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locking in and trying to push through it.
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You are worth time and care and patience and slow gradual
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healing. Because that is how mental
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health works. There is no quick and easy way
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through it. Any fast fixes that are promised
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to you like this idea of locking in?
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It is. It is a temporary Band-Aid on a
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deep wound. Trauma and pain that is built up
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over years cannot just vanish in a day of locking in.
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You deserve patience. You deserve kindness.
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You deserve care. And it can only come from you.
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Because third, we shame ourselves for being human.
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Every time you fail to lock in, every time you can't maintain
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the routine, every time you need a break, you internalize it as
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weakness. Every time you wake up feeling
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depressed, every time you fail to lock in, every time you can't
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maintain a routine, every time you need a break, you
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internalize it as weakness. You think everyone else has it
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figured out and you are the only one struggling.
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But here's the truth. Everyone is struggling.
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The difference is that some people are better at performing
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it on social media. Some people are better at hiding
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it. That doesn't mean that their
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lives are actually together. It doesn't mean that they're
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they're they're having hard days behind closed doors.
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Just the same way that you are. You can't compare your progress
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to people on social media. You're going to keep feeling
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burnt out over and over again. Depression and anxiety are real
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issues and they're not portrayed accurately by influencers.
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There's nothing wrong with you if you keep having bad days and
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you have to take actual time to work on it.
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And finally, what this lock in mentality causes is it causes us
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to burn out over and over and over because locking in it isn't
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sustainable. It's a short term mentality
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applied to a marathon. And when you Sprint too long,
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you collapse. And then what?
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You shame yourself for collapsing and you just tell
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yourself that next time you need to be stronger.
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But that is not the truth. What would happen if you stopped
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locking in? What would happen if you stopped
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this cycle? If you stopped treating your
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life like a problem? If you stopped going in circles,
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telling yourself that you're going to lock in and then
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falling short and then blaming yourself and burning out?
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What if you started treating yourself like a person who
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deserves kindness again? What if you built a life that
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didn't require constant discipline to maintain, a life
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that actually worked with your brain instead of against it?
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I know it sounds impossible. I know to some it sounds soft.
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I know it sounds sounds like giving up, but it's not.
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It's actually the hardest thing you'll ever do because you'll
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have to unlearn everything that you've been taught about
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productivity, worth, and what it means to be a successful person.
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It requires you to believe that you're allowed to rest, that
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that's not failure, that you're allowed to have bad days, that
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you're allowed to be a person with feelings and limits.
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And that's terrifying, because if you're not constantly
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grinding, constantly locking in, constantly proving your worth,
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and then who are you? You're a human.
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You're just you, and that's enough.
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You can work hard without justifying your existence with
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that work. So how do we do it?
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How do we break the addiction to locking in step one, We stop
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declaring and start doing instead of saying that we're,
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we're just going to lock in, instead of telling all of our
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friends that that this is what we're going to do, instead of
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telling ourselves a step by step plan, you just start and, and,
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and what do you start on? You start on, on a mixture of
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healing and also just general progress in your life.
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And you do it imperfectly. Nobody knows what they're doing.
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Nobody knows what they're doing. I don't know what I'm doing.
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You don't know what you're doing.
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Some of the most successful, happiest people on this earth do
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not know what they're doing. The difference between where you
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are and who you want to be is that the person that you want to
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be started trying. And they started trying
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imperfectly. They took care of their mental
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health on days where it was hard and they didn't quite know what
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was going to help yet, but they tried.
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They woke up on days where it felt hard and they kept going.
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They, they kept figuring out the things that worked, but that's
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the difference. They tried the person that you
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want to be. The only thing between you and
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that place is just trying and trying imperfectly.
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Starting ridiculously small, doing little things that might
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just help your mental health, that might just help your
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progress forward. And knowing that you might fail
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and being OK with that, knowing that that's what makes you
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human. Nobody has it figured out, and
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that's a part of it. That's the beauty of it.
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We are all just here desperately trying to figure out what to do
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day-to-day. And there are no wrong answers.
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And you have the power to change your life.
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Another way to do this is is to build systems that don't rely on
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discipline. So I'll use my own life.
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For example, I've struggled with my mental health for six years.
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And six years ago when I had really, really bad days where my
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depression was super intense, honestly, that day would just
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lead to nothing. I'd stay in bed all day.
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And now six years later, I have an actual life.
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I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't have the option to stay
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in bed anymore. So what I did over the years is
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I built systems and I built habits.
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And when you have a habit, it is much easier to just slide back
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into that habit, even on days where you're depressed.
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So I, I have routines that I do that are non negotiables.
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And it's simple things to make me feel physically better
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because that makes it easier on those really, really hard mental
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health days to keep my body moving and to keep doing the
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things that need to do. And those habits include things
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like just blindly drinking water, making myself eat no
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matter what. Things like like taking showers
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became habits. No matter what that I do, I do
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some kind of physical movement, whether it's going on a walk or
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going to the gym, something. It doesn't even have to be
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anything crazy. It can be small, it can be
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minimal. But I do something to help my
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mental health because I know that if I can keep myself moving
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physically with habits that are easy to slip back into, I can
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keep going on the days when things get hard.
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Step 3. Rewire your thought that rest is
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not reward. You don't have to earn rest.
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You don't have to be productive first.
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Rest is a requirement. It's not optional.
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It's not laziness. Your body needs it, your brain
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needs it, and no amount of locking in.
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We'll change that next. Accept that progress is not
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linear. You will still have bad days.
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I am almost seven years in to this mental health journey and I
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have bad days often, but they're not as unbearable as they used
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to be. And that is how the progress
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works but isn't linear. Yes, I still have the bad days,
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but they don't destroy my life every time they happen.
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And you will have that too. And finally, redefine
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productivity. And it's not just output.
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It's not just checking boxes. It's not just grinding.
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Sometimes productivity is rest. It's resting so that you don't
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burn out. It's knowing how to say no so
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you can say yes to what matters. Sometimes it's doing nothing
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with your brain so you can recover.
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Stop measuring your worth by how much you produce.
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You are not a machine. Locking in is not the answer.
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It never has been. It never was.
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The answer is building a life that doesn't require you to
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constantly fight yourself. A life that works with your
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energy, your limits, your mental health.
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And the answer is being gentle with yourself, not because it's
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easy, but because it's the only thing that actually works long
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term. You don't need to be more
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disciplined. You don't need to grind harder.
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You don't need to be optimized every second of your life.
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You don't need to justify your existence with work, you just
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need to be kind to yourself and show up where you can and rest
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when you need it. That's it.
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That's the whole thing. And I'm not saying that
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productivity and work is bad, but trying to force yourself to
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justify your existence on this planet with work when you're
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struggling with your mental health is not healthy.
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You're just going to burn out over and over and over again
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because the version of you that is rested, that's supported,
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that's not constantly running on empty, that's the version that
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can do so much more than the version that's just trying to
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lock in through burnout. You are not a machine.
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You are a human that deserves rest, kindness, and compassion.
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You don't have to lock in. You don't have to have it all
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figured out by Monday. You don't have to be perfect.
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You just have to keep going, one small step at a time.
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And on days that you can't, it's OK to, because this isn't about
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being productive. This is about being human.
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And being human is messy and it's hard and often it doesn't
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fit into a 5:00 AM routine or a lock in declaration, but it's
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real and it's enough. I want to remind you, I'm not a
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doctor, I'm not a mental health professional.
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I'm just somebody who's been there.
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I know what it's like to be stuck in that cycle, how
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frustrating it is, how awful it feels.
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So I hear you. You have a nearly desperate want
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to get better, but you just don't know how to get there.
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And there's this brutal cycle of trying, failing, convincing
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yourself that something's wrong with you, being burnt out, and
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then trying again the moment you have the energy and it keeps
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going and it's so exhausting. I know how you feel, so I I beg
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you to have just a little bit more compassion for yourself
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instead of trying to force yourself over and over to just
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keep trying to just keep locking in.
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Go slow. Start ridiculously small.
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Start with one small thing today that in six months will be a
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habit and will make your life better.
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Start so small that it feels like it won't even make a
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difference. And then one day it will.
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One day all these little habits will stack up and you'll be
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there. But first, what you have to do
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right now, today is you have to be kind to yourself.
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You have to be compassionate. You have to understand that
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you're not a machine. You are a person who is
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struggling, who is struggling with mental health issues and
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deserves patience and kindness and love and care.
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And the kind of love that you need can only come from you.
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So maybe don't just lock in. Maybe just be kind to yourself
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for now instead. That's going to wrap it up for
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today's episode. Thank you so much for being
18:44
here. If you need help feeling your
18:46
feelings, you should check out my music on all platforms under
18:48
the name of Ethan Jewell. I almost guarantee it'll make
18:51
you cry. Also, if you like this podcast,
18:53
one of the best ways you can support me is by getting merch.
18:56
I'll link it in the description below.
18:58
Also, I'd love to know your thoughts if you want to drop me
19:00
a comment, I read all the comments and tell me what you
19:04
think about this idea of locking in, this idea of just trying to
19:07
push through if you've experienced this, or you can
19:10
just tell me how you're doing in general.
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So thank you so much for being here.
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Thank you for understanding that maybe you just need a little bit
19:16
more kindness. And as always, thank you for
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feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.