Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / When Your Boss Gaslights You How to Keep Your Sanity
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this word that's been everywhere in pop culture for the last few years — gaslighting. It started as a 1944 Ingrid Bergman film, became a therapy term, and now it's thrown around in breakrooms and on social media. But I think it actually has a really specific, dangerous shape when it shows up in a boss-subordinate dynamic. Luna: Right — it's not just someone being a jerk. It's a pattern where the manager systematically makes you question your own reality. 'That never happened.' 'You're being too sensitive.' 'I never said that.' Lucas: Exactly. And unlike a micromanager or a credit-stealer, a gaslighting boss is harder to pin down because the attack isn't on your work output — it's on your perception. I want to talk about a specific case that came across my desk a while back. A marketing manager at a mid-sized tech company — let's call her Priya — had a VP who, over six months, slowly convinced her she was forgetful, unreliable, and maybe even a little paranoid. Luna: That sounds brutal. And what's the first thing a gaslighter does? They create a fog so thick you can't trust your own notes. Lucas: That's exactly right. Priya told me about one meeting where the VP assigned her a major project deadline — 'get the Q3 campaign deck to me by Friday, not Thursday, because I'll be in back to backs.' Priya writes it down. She works through Wednesday and Thursday. Friday morning, she sends the deck. The VP replies, 'I needed this yesterday. I specifically said Thursday. This is why I can't rely on you.' Luna: Wow. So she's left thinking, 'Did I mishear? Am I the problem?' And the worst part is, there's no third-party witness in that room. Lucas: Right. And that's the core mechanism — the gaslighter exploits the natural self-doubt that most competent people have. Priya spent the next week replaying the conversation in her head. She almost apologized. But then she did something smart. She went back to her notebook and read her own handwriting: 'VP said Friday, not Thursday.' Luna: So documentation is the first shield. But it's not just about having a notebook — it's about how you use it. Lucas: Exactly. A lot of people take notes but never treat them as evidence. Priya started sending a brief 'recap email' after every one-on-one. Not accusatory. Just: 'Thanks for the time. Just to confirm, I'll have the Q3 deck to you by Friday.' That way, if the VP later says 'I needed it Thursday,' Priya has a written timestamp that the VP didn't correct. Luna: That's a really practical move. It shifts the burden of proof without starting a fight. And if the VP never responds to the recap, that silence is itself a kind of consent. Lucas: Exactly. And here's another layer — the gaslighter often isolates the target. The VP in Priya's case would compliment her privately but then in group settings would say things like, 'Priya's working hard, but she sometimes misses key details.' A micro-invalidation in front of peers. Luna: That's the public-private split. And it's devastating because no one else sees the private version. So Priya's colleagues start to think, 'Oh, she's a bit spacey.' And then Priya herself starts to believe it. Lucas: Yeah, the gaslighter builds a narrative that the target is the unreliable one. That's why another critical move is to find a trusted peer who can act as a reality check. Not to vent endlessly, but to say, 'Hey, in that meeting, did you hear the VP say we need the deck by Thursday or Friday?' A second pair of ears. Luna: And this is where remote work makes gaslighting even harder to counter. When you're on Zoom, there's no body language, no one you can glance at in the room. It's just the voice in your headphones telling you something that doesn't match your memory. Lucas: Yeah, I've heard from listeners who worked fully remote and had bosses who 'forgot' they were on mute and said something dismissive, then later denied it. Or who scheduled a meeting with no agenda and then blamed the employee for being unprepared. The digital trail is both a blessing and a curse — because if you're not recording, it's your word against theirs. Luna: Which brings us to a tricky question: should you record your one-on-ones? Legally, it depends on the state. But ethically, it's a minefield. Lucas: I think the better move is to build a culture of written confirmation, like Priya did. If you're in a one-party consent state and you're genuinely scared you're being manipulated, recording might feel like a safety net. But you have to weigh the risk of discovery — because if the boss finds out, it becomes its whole own crisis. Luna: So what's the line between a genuinely bad manager and a gaslighter? I think a lot of people worry they're being gaslit when actually they just have a disorganized boss who forgets things. Lucas: That's a really important distinction. A disorganized boss will sometimes contradict themselves, but they'll usually acknowledge it when you point it out. 'Oh, you're right, I thought I said Friday. My mistake.' A gaslighter does not do that. A gaslighter doubles down: 'No, I definitely said Thursday. You must have misheard.' And they do it repeatedly, across multiple contexts. Luna: So the red flag is not the mistake — it's the refusal to admit the mistake, and the pattern of blaming you for their confusion. Lucas: Right. And one more thing — gaslighters often escalate when you start pushing back. Priya eventually went to HR, not to accuse the VP, but to ask for help improving communication. She framed it as a team efficiency issue. And that's a smart move because it doesn't trigger the boss's defensive reaction in the same way. Luna: But HR is not always your friend. They protect the company, not you. If the VP is a high performer, HR might just advise you to 'find a better way to work together' — which is victim-blaming in a suit. Lucas: That's a real risk. So before going to HR, you need to have your documentation airtight. Timestamps, email recaps, a log of incidents. Priya had three months of evidence before she even mentioned the word 'gaslighting' to anyone. And she never used that word — she used 'miscommunication' and 'conflicting direction.' Luna: That's smart framing. It's harder for HR to dismiss a pattern of documented miscommunication than an emotional accusation. Lucas: Exactly. And ultimately, Priya's story had a decent ending — she transferred to a different division, and the VP was later let go during a reorg. But not everyone gets that lucky. Sometimes the best outcome is just preserving your own sanity and leaving with your reputation intact. Luna: I think that's the real goal here — not to change the gaslighter, but to stop them from changing you. To keep trusting your own memory. Lucas: Totally. And on that note — if you've found these conversations useful, especially when it comes to navigating tricky workplace dynamics, I want to mention something that's been on my mind. A small number of listeners already chip in monthly to keep this show ad-free and independent. It's through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. And that support literally makes it possible for us to keep doing episodes like this. Luna: Yeah, it's a quiet thing — no ads, no sponsors, just people who find value in what we do. And it makes a real difference. So thank you to those who already do. Lucas: Alright. Back to gaslighting. So let's talk about the exit strategy. If you've documented, you've tried the recap emails, you've looped in a trusted peer, and nothing changes — when do you decide it's time to leave? Luna: I think the answer is: when the constant doubting of yourself starts bleeding into other parts of your life. When you start questioning your decisions outside work, when you feel anxious before every 1:1 — that's the cost becoming too high. Lucas: Yeah, and that's the insidious thing — gaslighting doesn't just hurt your career, it hurts your identity. I've talked to people who left a gaslighting boss and then spent months in therapy rebuilding their self-trust. Luna: So the concrete takeaway here: document everything, use recap emails to create a paper trail, find a reality-check peer, and if you go to HR, use their language, not yours. And if none of that works, leave before the damage is permanent. Lucas: And one last thing — if you are in a situation where you're not sure, trust the pattern, not the incident. One contradiction is a forgetful day. Five contradictions with the same structure and no apology — that's a pattern. Luna: Well said. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. That's it for this one.