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Triumph From Trauma with Alreen Haeggquist · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• Lyndsay Soprano (00:02.946) Half of us women have been sexually assaulted and it's systemic. Doesn't that make you fucking angry? I'd like to talk a little bit about that, about anger. It can manifest itself in behaviors that sometimes can feel like you're outside of yourself, like irrational. Your body can't control the emotion of it, the tension and hostility that arises from injustice. Indust it, gosh, speak Lindsay. The and hostility that arises from injustice, resentment, injury, adversity, trauma, all the things. It can take you down different paths, healthy and unhealthy paths. And I have walked down both of those types. Some days I feel like I walk on both and I can't figure out which direction I'm actually going in. And sometimes I feel like I'm in quicksand and I'm just getting sucked. down into the world below me. But over the years of working through trauma and the adversity of life's challenges that I have faced, my anger has started, has started to slow its roll. And it's a hard roll to stop once it starts going and it's going downhill hard, right? And I've accepted the things that have happened to me. I've accepted and forgiven myself for my reaction. to things that were out of my control. But when you are a little girl, when trauma happens to you, you don't know the havoc it is wrecking on your precious soul and bod long-term until you start unpacking and understanding the complexity of your journey and the why behind it. We feel trapped in it. At least I have felt trapped in it and its psychological effects of trauma that end up starting to manifest as physical symptoms, right? And we're going to talk a little bit about that today as we do on every show on this, every episode on this show. But until I started this thing, I spent most of my life not saying a word. I was determined to keep my abuse silent as was my guest. Silence is a survival tool for many of us as we are desperate to stop feeling. Lyndsay Soprano (02:21.826) the feelings that we're having and we're afraid to express them. And those long lasting consequences are heartbreaking. So until I truly started using my voice, not just my singing voice, because you guys know that I have one, but my soul's voice, that little girl's voice, I didn't understand why sharing all of my stories was vital to my healing. And keeping it in was only going to make me sicker. It was only going to make me more angry. more resentful, more shameful, and more trapped in it. So how can we harness the power of vulnerability and break our silence to overcome these emotions that we have that are making us all chronically ill and on some days fucking crazy? So today is going to be a conversation that will fuel triumph in your life. And we are going to talk with one of the most amazing women that I have met about turning trauma into triumph. building resilience in the face of life's challenges, the intersection of justice and empowerment, women and trauma, and how to navigate that road to healing and also on that road towards success, and this power of vulnerability and breaking the silence of this shame that we've carried for so many years. So without further ado, and I know that's a little bit longer than I normally do, but my God, I got to build up for this woman. I'd like to introduce you to this unbelievable badass guest I have for you today. Allreen Hayquist, hello my darling. Alreen Haeggquist (03:51.068) Thank you so much for that introduction. Now I'm all fired up to go. Lyndsay Soprano (03:53.878) That's exactly the point. Let's do this thing. We got to get fired up. I mean, that's the title of your book. And it's basically yellow now from all the highlighting and sadness that was in there and the tears and the resilience that I mean, your book is frickin amazing. But anyway, so all rene is a San Diego attorney. So she's just south of me with 23 years of experience fighting for women who've endured sexual abuse, harassment and discrimination, recovering millions for her clients along the way. Her passion for justice was born from her own childhood of abuse and silence, which now she uses as fuels to help others break theirs. In 2008, she founded Heyquist and ECK LLP, taking on major institutions like the Salk Institute, Trader Joe's, which kind of bummed me out a little bit when I heard about traders, Kaiser Permanente, Go Girl, and even a president that, as you all know, I absolutely hate and none of us should like. Her core mission, no one's wealth, power or status puts them above accountability and that is what she is doing. In 2023, she published Fired Up, fueling triumph from trauma. Like I said, amazing, breaking her own silence and inspiring others to stand up, speak out and claim justice. So I'm rolling out the red carpet for you, babe. I would like to start with your dad and the dynamic of your household that was riddled. with sexual abuse and trauma and let's take it from there. Alreen Haeggquist (05:21.614) So yeah, I mean, you just mentioned it. My father was the abusive one. That's who I got abused by when I was a kid. And when you're going through it, you don't know you're being abused, right? It's happening to you, but you're not understanding what's happening. And so he was, now I can identify it, right? He was emotionally abusive. He was verbally abusive. He was physically abusive and he was sexually abusive. And my mom who can see what's going on, stayed silent throughout the whole time. And so it was a very chaotic household. think the hard part is when you're growing up in that environment, these are your parents, right? This is the person that's supposed to be building you up, but instead he was tearing me down in the way he made me feel. And I kept all of this inside, just like many survivors do, in order, it's like a form of survival. Like you can't identify what's going on, so you just keep it inside. Lyndsay Soprano (06:02.872) Right. Alreen Haeggquist (06:21.391) and I broke my silence for the first time when I came out with my book. So, very, very many years later. Lyndsay Soprano (06:27.69) Yeah, and the journey that you've gone on through identifying, like, I opened up about anger because it is riddled through this book about it. And it actually made me feel a little bit better about being angry because there's a good damn reason that you were angry. Can you talk a little bit more about actually what your, some of the trauma, and I know it's tough to talk about, but some of the abuse that you went through and not only you're one of 10 children, right? And six of you were girls and all six of you went through this to a certain extent. I don't know what the range of it was between all six of you, but you're the one that's finally breaking your silence about it, which is super amazing. Alreen Haeggquist (07:14.21) Yeah, and so. Nobody's talking about it. mean, that's, and I say that like silence is the biggest gaslight because it's happening, but nobody's talking about it. So it's not that I knew what was going on with my sisters, right? Like I didn't, I mean, I can see my dad, you know, calling us every horrible name on earth, you know, names that you don't even call your enemies. And he's saying that to his own children. I see that. But I don't know that, you know, my older sisters who are married, like what happened to them, right? Cause this is happening when I'm about 11 or 12 years old. I mean, I'm very young. The way the sexual abuse stopped with me is my sister who's seven years older. When she turned 18, she ran away or when she graduated high school, she took off and she didn't say what my dad did. She just said that he was being abusive and she couldn't stay at the house anymore. And my dad lost it, right? And this is very typical of anybody who's an abuser. Right. The first thing they do is deny it. They never take responsibility and say, yes, that's what I did. And he was like everybody else. He never admitted it. and that was the first time. Again, we didn't talk about the details, right? There's never been a conversation about exactly what happened. We just say, you know, what dad did, how dad was, or you know, how this filter this day. Yeah, it's not, you don't talk. Lyndsay Soprano (08:38.702) Still to this day. Wow, interesting. Alreen Haeggquist (08:45.13) about what happened. You just talk about that he did horrible things and mom didn't say anything and mom, my mom still doesn't acknowledge what happened. Well, I shouldn't say that. I think she acknowledges it, but she says he wasn't that bad because he didn't kick us out in the street, right? He, he fed us, he gave us a home and he didn't throw us out because we were girls. And so to her, her litmus of what makes a good father is, different than what my litmus is. So anyway, so she, she took off and that was the first time, you we got together, we meaning, you know, my sisters to decide what we were going to do. Like, are we going to report him? Right? Are we going to report him? What steps are we going to do? And, and again, I'm like 12 years old at this time, 11 or 12. So this is, this is how I'm understanding what's happening. And the decision was no, we're not going to say anything. And Lyndsay Soprano (09:24.76) Right. Lyndsay Soprano (09:34.926) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (09:40.45) because what would that mean for my mom? know, how, cause you know, she was, they were very codependent. What is she going to do without him? didn't barely spoke English. She doesn't drive when she relies on him. And so we didn't say anything. And what's interesting about that is that also happens. And I see this with my clients, right? They're also very scared to speak out or saying anything because what will it mean to him and his family and how is that going to affect their life? And how is it going to affect all these other people? not acknowledging how it's really going to affect you, right? Like by continuing to not say anything and just, let's just keep it a secret. Let's crush it under the rug and just move on, right? And then get on with our life. It was in the past and we're just going to keep it there. And so that's the decision that was made. So the sex abuse stopped around, like I said, around when I was 12, my father was still abusive in all the ways in the sense of emotional and psychological harm in the sense that, you know, he was Again, I don't know what his trauma was. Obviously, he had some too. But he had a very short temper in the sense that he would rage, you know, on a daily. And so what Lyndsay Soprano (10:51.094) Yeah, was always like, one quote from your book is, you ever open your mouth again, I'll kill you. Hmm, that's a real uplifting thing to say to your daughter. Of course you're scared. Why would you open your mouth if that's how you've been raised? And a lot of it was cultural too, correct? Alreen Haeggquist (10:56.983) Yeah. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (11:07.724) Yeah, so this is the way I was raised, the way my mom raised me and kind of told me where my place was, was there was God, there was man, and then there was me. I was always beneath the man. And so I was supposed to get married and my job when I got married was to serve my husband, right? So that's why I needed to learn how to cook, I needed to learn how to clean, and I needed to know all those things, because that's what was going to happen to me when I got married and was with the person I was. even she doesn't do it so much now, but you know, as I was in law school and I've been married to my husband, she would still ask me as I'm coming home from work, well, where are you gonna go home and cook for him? It's like, well, I'm not, but okay. Lyndsay Soprano (11:45.902) Actually not, but thanks for asking. That's funny. Alreen Haeggquist (11:52.248) All she knew, right? She had an arranged marriage, you know, and she got to be with my dad and her job was to have kids and support him. So it just, is a different culture and a different dynamic, but I think there's also the, just forget about it, right? Just move on and not say anything. What's the big deal, right? Lyndsay Soprano (11:53.408) Riot. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (12:11.254) Yeah, for sure. Well, and when you start and with you opening up your firm in regards to helping women that have gone through these kinds of things, it is so scary to open your mouth about any form of abuse. mean, for me, just alone, I can speak for myself. Talking about what's happened to me is very, very scary for me because I didn't know if people were going to believe me. And that is something that I think that was was brought out. And you spoke about this in your book, too, about the Me Too movement, where I know like every, some people are rolling their eyes about me too. And I'm like, bite me. Unless it's happened to you, don't judge anybody that's finally coming forward to things that they have kept secret who have been silent about it because they were afraid of their abuser. They're afraid of what their family's gonna say to them. Like my mother is one person that she doesn't know crap about what's happened to me in my life. She doesn't listen to this show. And I told her, if you do, you're gonna have a lot of questions. But, know, in keeping that silence for so, so long, when you start finally doing, you feel empowered, but man, are you freaked out. How does that translate with you and your work when you're working with your clients in regards to that? Alreen Haeggquist (13:21.966) So I'm glad you brought up the Me Too movement. So during the Me Too movement, I was such a champion. I was so excited about all the women coming forward. was like, one, they were calling not only us, but just seeing everything on the news. And I was so proud of them. But I felt like such a hypocrite during that time because I couldn't say the words Me Too. And for those reasons you just identified, I was still so scared of... Lyndsay Soprano (13:30.435) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (13:49.89) What are people gonna say? What are they gonna think? They're gonna reject me. They won't believe me. They're gonna think I'm disgusting for that happened to me and they won't be able to look at me the same. And that fear, you know, kept it inside of me for a number of years until again, I finally got it out. And that's what's amazing about it is once you start, it's out of you. you do feel empowered. You don't realize that you're going to feel this way, but it's like this weight gets lifted. And I see it not only in myself, but all the women I represent, they come in in that same place. They're so scared because people haven't believed them, right? Like they have tried before they come to a lawyer, they have tried to do something about it on their own, but it wasn't good enough. And so finding somebody that believes you, supports you, hears you is really what they're coming to do and then be able to stand up to the person that caused them harm. They always leave empowered and know that they have a voice and know they don't have to take it. Lyndsay Soprano (14:53.134) And as an empath, I know you are as well. That's also, everything is intensified in that. And a lot of us, I believe that a lot of the reason that we are empaths is because of a lot of the trauma that's happened to us. Because we had to feel so much. not because we wanted to. And I know you talk about how you're like, I don't know how to feel. I don't cry. Remember there's one part you're like, I don't cry. I don't know what's happening here, but I'm getting wet and this is weird. And it's like, and I'm a major crier. So I'm the complete opposite of that. So I was laughing at that part of your book too, in regards to me, but man, man, add the empath side of it on top of it. And then the fear, and then because of all of our social media and the media and the news and our current administration, all the things, I mean, it's even scarier and scarier by the minute for people to come out against their abusers. And it's amazing that you're championing this and championing these women to stick up for themselves and to stand up for themselves no matter how scary it might be. And with your background, how could you not be like the most amazing attorney for these women? Alreen Haeggquist (15:59.35) Yeah. And we do it for our own healing, but also to change the number that you talked about at the beginning of the show, which is one and two, right? When you're going through it, you think you are, that's insane. And that number is higher because there's so much under reporting that's occurred. Right. And so I never reported anything, you know, exactly. And so it's, it's such a high number. It shocks you, but at the same time, it's not even accurate. Lyndsay Soprano (16:08.703) Let's sing. Lyndsay Soprano (16:14.134) Of course, I never reported anything. Right, okay, there's two right there. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (16:29.102) And I think what's important about that is when you're going through it, you think you are all alone. You don't realize how many people this has happened to because of the fact that we're not talking about it. so again, I think it's really important not only to talk about for yourself, but also to help other people so they know they're not alone. And that's why I'm really passionate about this happening because I've experienced it myself and I experienced it every day with the clients that I help. Lyndsay Soprano (16:29.411) Wow. Lyndsay Soprano (16:56.268) Yeah, and I mean, the tagline for my show here is giving pain purpose. no matter how you define the word pain in your world, that is what I am here to do when I wake up every morning doing it. it has not only helped triumph my own trauma, I'm using your word triumph because it's from your book, because I don't even have any other option. In my mind right now, there is absolutely nothing else on this planet Earth that I feel that I need to be doing except for helping other people get through their shit. And this is my way of not only helping others like how you are with your business, but also helping myself. Like you mentioned so much about writing, right? The healing properties of actually getting writing. And you went to Burning Man, which is such a great story, which I've never been to by the way. And I love that you like dabbled in your drugs and you went out and you partied and did your thing at SDSU. Like I love that part especially because I'm so Cal girl with you. So I kind of get all of that stuff too. But the Burning Man part of it, can you talk a little bit about how healing the writing journey was for you and what that experience did for you? I know that it kind of backfired a little bit later where like, I thought life was all gone. I thought all my junk was gone. It's not all gone right out of the gates, guys. And I don't know if it'll ever truly be gone, but it's the way in which we approach it and we handle it and how we can persevere and be successful at what we're doing, whatever that might look like, being a mom, being a wife, being a business owner, whatever it is, how we can use that to fuel us to be better women in this world for our children and for our loved ones versus sitting on the couch watching Netflix feeling sorry for ourselves. Alreen Haeggquist (18:37.55) Yeah. So journaling for me is something I learned in college. didn't journal as a kid. When I was young and going through it, the only thing I did was pray. And I prayed every day to be happy. And that's all I did. I know. It's like when you think about it now, I know. Lyndsay Soprano (18:54.635) god! You get your tissues, Jesus. Alreen Haeggquist (19:00.014) But it was really simple, right? That's all I wanted. And at that time, you know, I didn't know what that looked like. Like what's the need, you know, and to not be in that chaotic home. And what's interesting about that is I had latched on at that age to the Brady Bunch. Like I always saw myself as a kid in the Brady Bunch episode. Lyndsay Soprano (19:04.412) my God. Lyndsay Soprano (19:11.512) Yeah. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (19:26.734) So I was like visualizing this life for myself that I now live, right? I didn't know that I was going to be, I was visualizing, but I had been doing that since I was a young age. The other thing I did, you know, constantly when I was little during like art time at school or in your class, you know, I was, always drew a picture. It was the same picture. And it was like a blue sky, you know, a sun on the side, birds, you know, in the background, green grass. And there was like a man, a woman and a child, you know. And again, I look at my life now and it's like, that's what I'm living, you know? And so I think visualization is a really big part of healing. It's a huge tool because it can help you heal when you're not even ready, right? When you're, don't even know what you're trying to get to. It just helps you get there sooner. It propels you to that place. And I feel like journaling is the same thing, right? The whole thing is of getting something out. Journaling is a form. Lyndsay Soprano (20:01.966) amazing. Alreen Haeggquist (20:24.354) to get it out when you're not ready to say the words, right? It's not ready to come out of your mouth, but it gives you a place to put down the things that have happened that are horrible. And you do, right? You think about it, you ruminate over it, that you have those memories of it, that images come up. And journaling allows it to, instead of being up here constantly, is to get it out. And so when I was in college, my good friend, who's still my best friend now, when we were in... living together in the condo at like our second year, she would constantly journal. She had a habit of journaling and I was like, what are you doing? She's like, what are you doing in the corner over there? And she said, I'm just writing down my feelings and thoughts that I don't want to share with anybody else. And I was like, okay, well, I'm going to try that. Lyndsay Soprano (21:02.67) hell are you doing, Let's go to the beach and surf, okay? Alreen Haeggquist (21:20.622) And I did, and it was the first time that I articulated to myself the memories that I had of the abuse, right? The details of the abuse growing up that I could remember and that would come up. And I wrote it all down. So they weren't necessarily how I was feeling, but they were just these kind of like the memories that just were ruminating in my mind. And then I held onto this thing and I moved with it. And then we went to Burning Man. And so I was like, why am I holding on to this thing? And I didn't know much about Burning Man, but I'm like, well, I'm sure there's gonna be a fire. I'm gonna burn this thing. Lyndsay Soprano (22:02.03) is we're gonna burn stuff. But you know what's so interesting about reading about Burning Man in your book, is by the way, I just know that Burning Man existed. I didn't even know about it was burning the man. Alreen Haeggquist (22:02.67) We're gonna burn some. Alreen Haeggquist (22:13.422) Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (22:15.416) crap, now I want to go and do this because I have boxes of journals from when I was a little kid and in high school and in college and I still have them. I haven't opened them, I haven't looked at them and they just move with me everywhere I go and so when I read that part I'm like, I'm going to Burning Man with Allreen for sure. Alreen Haeggquist (22:32.782) Yeah, and then you convert all your journals. Lyndsay Soprano (22:36.064) All of it, I want it gone. Alreen Haeggquist (22:39.918) So yeah, so I got it all out. I went to Burning Man. I burned my journal. And I really believed that I was done with it, right? Like I was done with like whatever happened to me was in the past. I did need to get over it. And I was like at a really high of my life in the sense of how I felt. And then it all just came back, right? Like it wasn't really gone. Me writing it in the journal didn't make it all go away or, you know. Lyndsay Soprano (22:49.944) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (23:07.96) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (23:08.974) felt a lot of more work to go. And so that was hard. Like when I started therapy, that's where I just kept getting stuck on. like, well, I felt really good. Like, how do I get back there? Right? Like, I don't want to go through this process. I just want to get back to where I was. And I know I can get there. And he's like, no, that's not how it works. You felt that way because yes, you had left your home and it was a moment of going through the trauma. So you did feel high, but doesn't mean all the trauma is gone. Lyndsay Soprano (23:33.197) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (23:38.466) because you moved out of it, right? Just because you move away from it or you leave it or you leave it behind or you separate doesn't mean it hasn't left a number of consequences behind. And so, yeah. Yeah. I have a chapter in my book, right? Like you didn't make the mess, but you do gotta clean it up. And so that was coming to term. Lyndsay Soprano (23:49.112) Big time. Lyndsay Soprano (23:57.004) You do. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, because you're like, God, I'm on such a good roll. I'm doing all the things. I'm like, I'm doing all this. I'm doing that. I'm doing this and doing that. And I'm like, why am I still sick? Because you had chronic illness, like nobody's business that you were dealing with forever. And that was the same thing with me, with my body. I'm still dealing with my physical bullshit that's happened. Some of it is I can't control that I have Lyme disease. Like that's that's an element. But all the stress and all the trauma and all that. I am unpacking while you and I are speaking right now. So what I do here on this show is I unpack my own stuff too, to a certain extent, and I can feel my body responding. There are days when I am done with this and I feel so light after I've had a conversation with someone like you, where A, me too makes me feel better too, where I'm not scared anymore to have these conversations. If my parents decide that they want to listen to my show, they're going to learn a lot about me and they're going to want to have some conversations. Maybe they won't. Maybe they'll keep it in. They'll lie to me and they won't tell me that they didn't. They listen to it. I don't know. But that's not my problem anymore. Like I am not going to be protecting other people and their responses to things that happened to me. I'm done with that. That is a narrative that I am done with. And I think that also comes with getting older, because when you're almost 50, you're kind of like, I don't really give a shit anymore about what you think. Because we're Alreen Haeggquist (25:25.922) you also have learned like, it comes at a cost, right? It comes out to you and your body and your well being in order to somebody else's feelings, you know, and you speaking out or you coming out or you not no longer wanting to say it didn't happen. You're not retraum, you're not traumatizing them, you're not causing them pain by you talking about your story of what happened to you. And I think that's Lyndsay Soprano (25:29.72) Sure. Lyndsay Soprano (25:33.549) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (25:48.183) Right. Alreen Haeggquist (25:54.04) For me, that was important to know, right? Like I did worry about that when I was writing my book. Well, how is this gonna be? Lyndsay Soprano (25:59.092) sure, while I was reading it I was thinking about your mom and your sisters and your brother. I was thinking about everybody going, my gosh this is scary. Alreen Haeggquist (26:06.924) Exactly, and it was scary, right? I tried to do my best to tell my story without their story, but obviously it comes with it, know, it's family. Lyndsay Soprano (26:08.823) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (26:16.846) Yeah. There were a couple little things that were in there that I'm like, oh gosh, the brother-in-law part in particular. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it wasn't just her dad. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (26:24.238) Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah, it wasn't just my dad. And each one has always just been dismissed, right? And I think that's for me and for other survivors, that's the hard part when it's just like, let it be, you know? Like it happens, it's common, like move on. And that I think hurts even more than the abuse itself. Lyndsay Soprano (26:48.622) Sure, absolutely. Just being dismissed, all it does is make you clam up and not want to share anything again. And then you have to get through that shell again and break it open. And like those otters, you know how they like slam open their muscles or whatever with the stone or whatever they do. It's like every single time that we get clammed up again, like, forget it. That scared me. I'm not going to do that again. That fear that drives us, you know, to not. Alreen Haeggquist (27:14.35) These people that are supposed to protect you, right? These are the people that are supposed to protect you and if they can't do it, then how do you expect them to to do it? Correct. Lyndsay Soprano (27:17.099) Right. And you can't feel safe there. Where else can you feel safe? Yeah. Because you had attempted suicide twice when you were a little girl. How the hell did your mom not lose her marbles after that? That's insane to me. It's so young. You were 11 and 16, I think is what you said? Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (27:29.73) I know. Alreen Haeggquist (27:39.47) Yeah, so the first time, and again, I don't know how to kill myself. didn't, know, there wasn't YouTube videos, I guess, on what you were supposed to do. I, no, no, there was not. You couldn't get instructions on how to do it. And so at 11, you know, I just went into the bathroom and took whatever pills I could and who knows what I was even taking, right? Lyndsay Soprano (27:48.91) If you two was around when you and I were 11 and 16, thank God. Thank God. Alreen Haeggquist (28:04.782) And so at that age, I took the pills and the only thing I knew, right, was I didn't want to be there anymore. And I just didn't want to be there anymore. So how do I, you know, end my life, could not be there anymore. So I thought if I take a bunch of pills, that would happen. Well, the only thing that happened is I went to sleep and I woke up in the morning, like still in the same place, like nothing happened. Nobody even took notice. And then when I was 16, Lyndsay Soprano (28:24.622) Damn it! Alreen Haeggquist (28:32.878) I did the same thing. took pills. And I think at that time they were, I did know what I was taking in the sense like it wasn't just Advil. They were prescription. And, and I passed out and the only, and I remember waking up in the hospital and they put you in a hold and they bring the psychologist in and, they have your family come in after they, you know, your stomach. And You know, my family just prayed. And at the time, you know, they just blamed it on like a boyfriend. I was with this guy and he's like, they broke up and at school, like everything else, but any acknowledgement of two. Well, how about maybe what's happening, you know, but they just were incapable of doing that. That just wasn't, I don't even think possible. They just made assumptions and then brought me home. so again, one of the reasons I'm so passionate about what I do and so passionate about women speaking out and coming out is that person that I was at that age where I was so depressed and the only thing I thought about was ending my life and not wanting to be here, right? Is so foreign now. Like I can't even imagine myself being there because I love life so much and I want to give to people so much and give back and show people like you can live this amazing life. You're going to have to go through some work and it's not going to seal the mess while you're in the process of it. But you can live the life that you think is not for you, right? Like you're like for many years, I just didn't think I didn't deserve it. It wasn't for me to have like that's great for that person. Yeah, exactly. Not for this much. That wasn't my, my cards. That wasn't the life that I was supposed to have. And so to have to be able to say, no, I do deserve that. And I feel great. And Lyndsay Soprano (30:02.637) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (30:14.904) That's great for the Brady Bunch, but it's not for this bunch. Alreen Haeggquist (30:30.4) It's because I've been doing the work. I want others to know they can do it too. It's just, it's not overnight, right? It's not an overnight fix. It took a long time to get to this point and it's going to take a bit to get you to the other side. Lyndsay Soprano (30:44.406) It is, there's a part of your book that I want to read real quick. So in relation to this. So when I tried to take my own life, I wanted the deep pain inside of me to stop. In those years, I didn't see any purpose in life. If all I would ever known was pain, I didn't see the point in it. I didn't know why I existed. I didn't think anyone would notice if I was gone. And only now, decades after my failed suicide attempts and decades after trying to fix what was wrong in my life. Alreen Haeggquist (30:51.118) Thank Lyndsay Soprano (31:13.72) Do I feel unhindered gratitude to be alive? And that part is so beautiful when I read that. Alreen Haeggquist (31:20.814) It's just like I do I wake up every day like wow like I'm so thankful Lyndsay Soprano (31:25.346) You've got your son, you've got your birds, you've got your beach, you've got your sweetie, and you've got your Maya, and you're just like, holy shit, I did it. And you're doing it for other women. Talk about freaking amazing. The intersection of injustice and empowerment, right? You're like the epitome of it. And I'm really grateful for you and A, your book, because I mean, like I mentioned, it's just like, it's ridiculously good. Alreen Haeggquist (31:32.418) I it. I did it. I it. No, was doing it. Lyndsay Soprano (31:54.306) And it just, it touched me in so many places because we get stuck in ungratefulness when we have so much to be grateful for, even in the shit, even in the crappy stuff that's happened to us, even though we're in pain, even though our bodies are failing us, even though we want to punch our husbands in the face. Alreen Haeggquist (32:14.478) Yeah Lyndsay Soprano (32:16.718) My intention this morning, actually my intentions lately, I have this app that I use for intentions in the morning. So it sits on my phone. So every second I look at my phone, which of course we all do all day long, today's intention was don't go postal, just get the mail. Alreen Haeggquist (32:34.314) you Lyndsay Soprano (32:36.492) construction here for like almost two years and this is the last week we are done tomorrow. And I've had like last week I had a total of 29 people in my home at the same time and I was in two barking doxies and a sweetie and I'm like, I'm gonna burn the house down. I'm just gonna burn the house down with everybody in it and I'm gonna pack a bag. I'm gonna go to Hall Reans house. She's gonna take me in. Alreen Haeggquist (32:51.342) you Alreen Haeggquist (32:59.968) Anytime, anytime. Lyndsay Soprano (33:02.062) But to be grateful in the midst of our shit, know, the stuff that's happened to us, the navigating this road that we've been on where we're being like pummeled by snowballs and rocks and just all of the things that we're hit with and to come out of it the way that you have is just incredible, you know? It's wonderful. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (33:21.678) Thank you. Thank you. And I love that you talk about gratitude because that's one thing that I always come back to like when, you know, exactly like when things are just you're going to continue to face adversity in your life. It's not like it's just, you know, butterflies and sunshine every day. Lyndsay Soprano (33:28.888) We have to. Lyndsay Soprano (33:38.754) just dancing through the valley with butterflies and flowers and beautiful music playing. I wish that was the case. Alreen Haeggquist (33:45.024) it's not and so when you when you have those days and you're feeling stuck and you just can't seem to like get out of that headspace the gratitude journal for me is just like an easy place to go like all right there's a lot of shit but let's focus on what you're thankful for right now at this moment you know and I just get Lyndsay Soprano (34:02.158) And I'm glad you brought up your gratitude journal because I know that you had a challenge with it in the beginning. Talk about that for a hot minute because I was like, totally. Alreen Haeggquist (34:07.384) Yes. Alreen Haeggquist (34:12.298) Yeah. Well, I just thought it was so stupid, right? That I like, I literally, like I couldn't think of it. Yes. Like I'm thankful that I, you know, have a bed, you know, I'm thankful that I have a, you know, hot shower, but then you're like, am thankful for that. Like there are people who don't have those things, right? And so it can just be so simple. And I didn't want to do it because I thought, again, I thought it was stupid. Like what's, what's this, what difference is this going to make, you know? Lyndsay Soprano (34:17.856) Yeah exactly, like what? Lyndsay Soprano (34:29.998) 100%. Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (34:42.222) but it just helps you change your perspective. gets you out of that like negative head space where you think your whole life is doom and gloom to just think a little bit differently, right? You have things that you can be thankful for, even if it's just that you're outside or that you have a bed or you're not living in the street or whatever it may be. It's just those simple things. And then it starts increasing, you know, that I have a loving husband, you know, I have a daughter, you know, like I have a business. Lyndsay Soprano (34:47.81) Mm-hmm. Lyndsay Soprano (35:10.828) Yeah, and your husband's been through the wringer with you, buddy. Alreen Haeggquist (35:13.742) Yes, yes, and he's still here, he's still here. Lyndsay Soprano (35:20.44) Well, and I identify with that because I've got my, I have my lash out moments where just deep rooted stuff comes out and I have absolutely no idea where it's coming from, what triggered it. I know that you talk about triggers in your book as well, identifying them, understanding what the hell is a trigger anyways, as far as I know, it's something that you do with a gun. Like, so don't trigger me. And learning what those are and being able to identify those has been good for you. Alreen Haeggquist (35:41.192) Hahaha Lyndsay Soprano (35:46.346) in your healing process, can you talk a little bit about how that has worked for you and how that still works for you? Because I know in the beginning, it's really hard to identify, like, why did that even, why did that piss me off right now? Because that is sometimes for me, has nothing to do with anything that's going on in my world. That actually triggered me. It's crazy. Alreen Haeggquist (36:04.792) Yeah, it is. Yeah. And I didn't know that. So I was constantly triggered. It's what you just said. Like my husband was the one that received probably the worst of it, but things would just piss me off. And he would, he called it a trigger switch, which using that word before I even knew what a trigger was, but he's just like, you can go from, you know, cold to really extreme hot in like a second and not know like what's going to cause it. Right. And I would just get so angry and I would be so horrible. Lyndsay Soprano (36:07.853) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (36:29.1) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (36:34.21) And I really believed it was other people that was causing it, right? Yeah, what he said caused it. What you did made me that way. They made that argument, so therefore I'm pissed, right? It was everything external in my life that was making me angry. And that's really what I believed until I learned that no, it was the fact that I should have been angry. I should have directed anger at the abuse that was happening to me as a kid. And I said nothing. So that repressed anger of that feeling that I was having as a kid. is now coming out when I'm feeling that way, right? When somebody, feel like somebody's betraying me or manipulating me, like that is what I get triggered by. And that's when I get angry. And so learning that, like having the awareness of that has really helped because I can recognize it now, right? Like what you just said, when that is happening, when you want to go postal, right? You can, exactly. And that's a tool. That was something you had to learn. Like I didn't always have that. Now I can be like, Lyndsay Soprano (37:05.902) as an adult, yeah, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (37:26.392) Just go get the mail. Yes. Alreen Haeggquist (37:34.964) Or if I do get postal, I can look at it and apologize for it. Or I can look at it and say, and have that conversation with myself of, where is that coming from? Like what really upset me or what really pissed me off? You know, what's the real underlying reason? And I think for my cases, why that's become so powerful for me and why that's now become like a superpower for me is like the abuser still trigger me, right? They're abusing my clients. And so there's still a trigger for me. but I've learned to harness that so I can make a very persuasive argument in court without being the angry lawyer. I can be very passionate and very assertive and in your face, but at the same time, represent my client in a way that's respectful and where I can get people to listen. When you're angry and you don't make any sense, it's hard for people to... to listen to you and what you're trying to say. And so I've learned to harness that and that's come with a lot of years of learning how to identify when I'm getting angry, right? Like knowing the signs, like where my body's heating up and I can feel it coming on. And learning how to breathe through it and then remember, like, what am I here? What are we talking about? And getting to that place. So the anger is real. Lyndsay Soprano (38:32.76) Sir. Lyndsay Soprano (38:44.853) yeah, Alreen Haeggquist (38:59.062) It affects your relationships. mean, it really took a toll on mine with my husband. And it wasn't until, you know, we went to couples counseling and we got there and I was pissed about being in couples counseling. Lyndsay Soprano (39:19.63) Would you dare do this? Alreen Haeggquist (39:20.92) Yeah, exactly. If you could just stop being who you are, we would be fine. Lyndsay Soprano (39:24.566) Right, right, yeah, this is all your fault. Alreen Haeggquist (39:27.534) It's all your fault we're here. So when we got there, you know, he said he was scared of me. And that really was a real pivotal moment in my life. Like, you're scary. it's, for the first time, it allowed me to look at my behavior and how I acted towards somebody and why that was scary. And it reminded me of how my dad was. Lyndsay Soprano (39:29.379) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (39:54.444) And so again, I didn't change overnight, you know, but it just, allowed me to come up, have the awareness of my behaviors and wanting to be different for the people I loved. And so not only, again, are you helping yourself through this journey, but your relationships improve not only with my husband, my daughter, but my colleagues and my friends, like they all get better and you have more of them because you're really able to get into your own skin, you know. as you go through this process. Lyndsay Soprano (40:26.562) And one thing that I have found by addressing a lot of the things that we've been talking about today is friendships. I'm glad you brought up friendship. Well, relationships as a whole, but for me, friendships have been a big change in my world where I have pulled in way better, stronger, incredible women in my world. that have showed up and show up for me, because I've always been the one, you talk about it in your book too, we're literally cut from the same cloth in some places, where it's like, I keep myself as busy as humanly possible all the time, I still do it even though I know I'm doing it, because A, it keeps me distracted from physical pain, it also keeps me distracted from emotional pain and blah, blah, blah, all the things, but what's happened is I am attracting better, healthier, more stable people in my world that are supportive and understanding where I do tend to kind of randomly go off the rails about my pain, where I don't want to be here anymore because there is so much pain in my body. There's no chance I'm making it to 70, right? Or I'm like, I always tell my student, well, you're gonna outlive me and he's old. So we're like, he's like, wait a second, you gotta leave me now. I'm the one that's supposed to kick the bucket before you. I'm like, can't make any guarantees here, okay? You know, like it is nuts how that like, feeling of being alone in it, in the pain, whatever that is, how you can react to these people, but by having better relationships through the work that I've been doing on myself and clearing out some of this muck and identifying why I do the things that I do has been incredibly helpful. and it helped me clean out my closet of people I didn't want in my life anymore either. I was like, bye, done, out of my life, you're done. I will never speak to you again. I'm sorry, it was a great run. But you do not help me anymore in my life if you ever did. Alreen Haeggquist (42:24.014) And that's okay. Alreen Haeggquist (42:29.422) I think that's so important. talked about that a lot, especially when you're going through this process, finding your tribe, getting your people. And if the current people aren't filling that, then you can leave them completely or push them aside until you're ready to go back to them yourself, right? But I think that relationships are really important. You don't want to do it alone and you don't have to do it alone. That's what is important to know is like, you're not alone. You just might need a different group to go. Lyndsay Soprano (42:33.378) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (42:36.866) Yes. Alreen Haeggquist (42:58.798) Do it with me. Lyndsay Soprano (43:00.118) Exactly go on vacation with a different group of people. Okay guys. My goodness gracious, this has been incredible I want to keep talking you for like the rest of the day and I know we don't have time to do that and it makes me very sad I am so incredibly grateful for you coming on here with us and talking today and Incredibly grateful for your book. I want you to write another one. Are you writing another book soon? Not soon not soon Lindsay. Nope Alreen Haeggquist (43:04.632) You Alreen Haeggquist (43:12.877) you Alreen Haeggquist (43:24.952) Not soon, but not soon. Lyndsay Soprano (43:29.998) Well, I'd like you to get started on that, please. I wanna know a little bit more about, like, for your next book, by the way, this is just me talking. I wanna know more about like the actual, like what you're doing now to help continue to heal. Because like we've talked about, we're never gonna just be like just perfect. Perfect's boring anyways, nobody wants to be perfect. But the things that you're doing currently, if we could before we hit the dusty trail, just a little bit about what you're doing right now to. Alreen Haeggquist (43:52.462) you Lyndsay Soprano (43:59.276) Give yourself all the love that you can, the tools that you're using right now that you started with maybe, things that you're still doing, or maybe you shifted some things. I know you talked about cranial sacral stuff and things like that, but you can just touch on that real quick before we go. Alreen Haeggquist (44:12.654) Sure, so the gratitude journal, which I've already mentioned, the other big one is meditation. I still do the meditations and the visualizations, right? Like when I'm in a place where I can't think of how I'm going to get to the next one, you know, identifying someone or something that I want to be like and emulate. And so I still do the visualization, the meditation and the gratitude journal are my current things. Lyndsay Soprano (44:15.49) Yeah. Alreen Haeggquist (44:37.752) But I still have like, somebody just asked me recently, what are you working on right now? And I'm like, I still have the tendency to do what you just said, which is my entire day is filled from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep without any care of like self care. Yes, I'm just, I rather take care of everybody else and everything else before myself. And so that's still a constant work in progress. Lyndsay Soprano (44:53.134) I I know, I'm terrible at it. I'm terrible at it. Alreen Haeggquist (45:05.307) My next book will address that, like how did I get out of that? I don't know. Lyndsay Soprano (45:08.878) Yeah. Well, I want you to get out of it. I want me to too, because I mean, literally I wake up in the morning and the alarm goes off, which is normally I don't even need an alarm to go off, but I don't sleep. So I'm mostly just laying there tossing and turning and getting super frustrated with my body and my pain and stuff. And so, I mean, I pop up even though it hurts and I immediately go downstairs to the laundry room and I start laundry. That's the first thing I do. And then the day gets going. And then all of a sudden I'm like, How is it midnight? How is it midnight? And I'm just now sitting down on my couch to reflect on my day and what I've got to do for all reading tomorrow. This was last night, for example. I was like, I have to honor this woman like nobody's business and how am I going to do it? So then I was like up all night, like going through your book again and all the things. And it's just like, there are plenty of times yesterday that I could have just stopped because it just didn't matter that my bottles weren't. labels facing out in my refrigerator, for example, but god damn it, they are today. Alreen Haeggquist (46:09.088) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (46:11.756) very important things that I'm focused on during my day. No, but it's unbelievable what we do that we've created these coping mechanisms. And that is definitely one for me is to keep busy. Alreen Haeggquist (46:24.174) It makes you feel safe and secure by keep because that's the way your life has been. And so it feels safe and when it's not like that, it's uncomfortable. And so to avoid the uncomfortableness of it, we'll just, nope, we'll just keep filling it up. And so that's something I'm still working through. Lyndsay Soprano (46:29.26) Right. Lyndsay Soprano (46:32.835) Duh. Lyndsay Soprano (46:36.472) That's exactly right. Well, maybe we could co-write a book on this when we finally get our shit together in this department. Alreen Haeggquist (46:43.63) How I learned to slow down and relax. Lyndsay Soprano (46:49.994) Yeah, yeah, there's right before we leave, there's a quote from your book. It says, your trauma and your body are yours. You live life with it and in it. Only you get to decide what will make it better. And I love that. And I love ending this today on being grateful and having gratitude for the things that we have, because if you don't have anything on your list that you can write down that you're grateful for, then you need to start listening to a different show, because we don't need you here. Alreen Haeggquist (47:16.206) You Lyndsay Soprano (47:18.21) kidding, still listen because we've got your back. Well, before we leave, is there anything that you'd like to leave our listeners to today? Alreen Haeggquist (47:27.466) One thing I didn't touch on and something I also still do when you are going through it and it's hard and you're like, I don't want to and it hurts, know, focusing on why, like why you're doing it because sometimes doing it for yourself isn't enough. And so, you know, I always remember I do it for my kids. I do it for my clients, you know, my husband, like what is propelling me to continue doing the work? And so continue focusing on your why it's really going to get you to the next place. Lyndsay Soprano (47:35.96) now. Alreen Haeggquist (47:53.41) So would like to leave them with that. Thank you so much for having this show and this platform and your energy. Your energy is amazing. love, Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (47:58.798) Thank you. Thank you. I bring it all when I come in here. It's my special place that I've created for my guests, for my audience, for myself. And it's literally my life's purpose now. So that's what I'm here to do, just like you do with your being an attorney and helping to fight for women like you and I. And I appreciate that. And so do everybody else. And we've got to get these numbers down. As to how this why this is continuing to happen at the astronomical numbers that it's happening and why we're not talking about it And we don't have a great grasp on that for 50 % of this damnation doesn't give a crap about the rest of us So we're gonna try to persevere through this But my gosh, thank you so much. This has been it was exactly what I wanted today to go like so I'm very happy You got it, thank you so much you can find Alreen all over the place but you can go to Alreen Haeggquist (48:47.576) Yeah, love being on. Lyndsay Soprano (48:53.39) You can find her book, can read more about her, her story. Her book is amazing if you don't buy it. Well, keep listening, but it's amazing. It really truly got me fired up and it made me not feel alone anymore in the place where it is very lonely when you go through this kind of crap in your life, man. It just, truly is, but there is hope and there is a reason why we are here. And if you ever need anything from me, you can reach out to me. I can connect you with Alreen, whatever it may be. Women, stick up for yourself. Use your voice. Don't be silent, because you're not alone in it. Thank you so much again. I appreciate your time with us. You are exclusively invited to share this Me Too Fired Up Fueling Triumph From Trauma VIP Pain Journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you by my side and Alreen's side. Please follow The Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest your podcast content. We will be there. Visit us at thepaingamepodcast.com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening, my little VIPs. Catch you on the other side. Alreen Haeggquist (50:01.113) Thank you. Lyndsay Soprano (50:02.21) Thank you.