Latest / The Christy-Faith Show / Ep. 89 - Why People Get Weird When You Say You Homeschool (and How to Handle It Gracefully)

Transcript

Ep. 89 - Why People Get Weird When You Say You Homeschool (and How to Handle It Gracefully) · The Christy-Faith Show

• 0:00
  Christy-Faith: Pop quiz. What's the fastest way to get unsolicited advice from a complete stranger, your second cousin twice removed, or the guy who bags your groceries? Ding ding ding. Tell them you homeschool. You're just over here trying to buy avocados, and suddenly, you're defending your educational philosophy like you're defending your dissertation.
• 0:20
  Welcome to the Christy Faith Show. Today, we're turning those awkward, eye twitching inducing moments into pure nonchalance, and I'm gonna help you reach the most epic level of unbothered. And I hope I don't disappoint you, but today, I'm not here to arm you with the most cutting comeback or teach you how to be mean to people who question your homeschooling decision. That doesn't help your mental state, your relationships, or the homeschooling cause in general. We don't wanna just make people mad nor do we wanna come off as prideful.
• 0:54
  Instead, we wanna figure out how we can disarm, calm everybody down so that you can exude confidence. So instead, we're going to decode why the decision to homeschool makes other people so stinking weird. Because the funny thing is, and I'm sure you would agree, telling someone that you homeschool is quite the social experiment. You immediately find out who thinks you're a revolutionary genius and who thinks you're personally crafting a tinfoil hat for your child in the basement. You've shown up to a social event and suddenly aunt Patty's got questions, the neighbors peering over the fence, and everyone you know plus three people you don't know, all of a sudden become educational experts hungry for details.
• 1:35
  It's like you announced plot twist, and the world started flipping through the script looking for their lines. Here's what most people don't realize. Those rapid fire questions and those sideways glances, they're rarely about you. Most of the time, it's just folks reacting to a new recipe when they've been eating the same casserole their whole lives. You're the unexpected spice, and they're not sure if it's paprika or ghost pepper.
• 2:00
  So today, we're doing a crash course on the psychology behind homeschool skepticism. I'm going to show you four psychological tendencies that when seen for what they really are, will help you realize other people's opinions aren't really about you, which is pretty freeing. And then I'm gonna give you responses so graceful they'll leave the critics speechless. The kind where you don't fall into people pleasing or compromising your convictions, but you're kind, softhearted, and actually make people genuinely curious about homeschooling. Maybe even agree with your concerns and your why.
• 2:36
  By the time we're done today, you'll walk into the next barbecue or holiday gathering so up leveled that not even your mother in law's helpful suggestions can penetrate your calm confidence. Trust me, this show will be the eye opener mini masterclass you needed. Let's go. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show.
• 3:08
  Before we get into the goods, one thing I know a lot of you could use more of each month is cash. I've got something that could instantly put thousands of dollars back into your pocket for doing absolutely nothing. So listen up. You may not need to do that side hustle after all, and it's switching health insurance. Health insurance used to be a huge burden for our family.
• 3:32
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• 3:55
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• 4:12
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• 4:32
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• 4:48
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• 4:59
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• 5:13
  Now that we've got that covered and hopefully saved you some serious money for all that curriculum that I know you've been eyeballing, let me introduce myself if you're new here or reintroduce myself if you haven't been around for a while. Hi. I'm Christy Faith, education and parenting expert with over twenty years experience teaching teachers, coaching parents, and working with kids. I'm the author of Homeschool Rising, the book that's here to give you the confidence you need to homeschool boldly. You can find that on Amazon Prime.
• 5:41
  But that's not all. I'm also a speaker, and nothing lights me up more than meeting you in person. So if you've got an event, reach out. We've got creative ways to make it happen without breaking the bank. And of course, I would be remiss without sharing the heart of what I do.
• 5:57
  I am also the founder of Thrive Homeschool Community. Thrive exists because I know you. You want the best education possible for your kids, but let's be real. Homeschooling can often feel like a solo mission built on random internet advice and crossed fingers. Thrive Homeschool Community gives you the proven framework, access to experts, and a supportive community all at an affordable price that works for families.
• 6:22
  Moms who join often tell me they can't imagine ever homeschooling without Thrive. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you've got homeschool problems, if you're second guessing yourself, worried about your kids, or just need to know how to start homeschooling, we've got what you need. Now Thrive isn't always open, and when it is open, seats can be limited. So the best way to stay in the loop is to hop on the waitlist. I'll drop that link in the show notes too.
• 6:47
  And we always give something special to our waitlisters. Okay. Our first point for today, this is gonna be so fun. I wanna talk about something wild. Did you know that your brain would rather make the same grocery store loop every week, pass the bakery, through the produce, ending at Checkout Lane 3, then try a more efficient route?
• 7:05
  And when someone suggests a shortcut through Aisle 7, your brain goes into panic mode. But I know my way. What if I end up in that super bougie expensive beverage section where a probiotic water cost me $20 and never escape? That is status quo bias. And it's basically our brains saying, don't make me think about this.
• 7:26
  I've got 17 other things to mentally juggle. You see, our minds conserve energy for the actual important stuff, like remembering if you fed the dog or just thought about feeding the dog. The familiar path, even if it's chaotic or probably inferior, often feels safer simply because it's known. Now hang on with me because I will land this plane in just a second. In our brains, the unknown requires effort, risk, and the uncomfortable possibility that we've been doing it the hard way all along, and often we're not ready for that.
• 7:58
  So when you're in a social situation, someone asks you where your kids go to school and you share with them that you're homeschooling, people feel like you're standing in the school pickup line with a megaphone saying, hey, there's another way to do this. And suddenly, everyone who's been sitting in that carpool lane for years is wondering if their tried and true path is still the best option. I was once in a mom's group, and all the moms were complaining about their morning routine nightmares on and on and on. And everyone was sharing their stories. And then they looked to me, and they're like, how was your morning expecting me to commiserate with them?
• 8:28
  And I was honest, and I said, actually, my mornings are pretty peaceful. And you know what happened? The room went quiet. They didn't know what to do. Because our different reality can make people reckon with the fact that their chaos might be optional.
• 8:44
  Your calm can easily become their crisis, especially if they're insecure. Your shortcut becomes their referendum. See, this is naturally what the homeschooling conversation can do in social situations. Your choice to homeschool becomes living proof that alternatives exist, and alternatives raise uncomfortable questions that people aren't ready for. Should I be doing something different?
• 9:07
  Is what she's doing better for her kids than what I'm doing? Have I been making this harder than I need it to be? Most people aren't consciously thinking this, but their discomfort leaks out anyway. So in awkward situations like this, here's what to do. Remember that their discomfort is not your emotional support animal to care for.
• 9:26
  When someone interrogates you for your choice, they're often really just defending their own. Your job isn't to write a thesis. It's just to stay anchored. You don't owe anybody anything. A simple answer, homeschooling works really well for our family, is a complete sentence.
• 9:42
  You don't have to elaborate. When you resist overexplaining, you signal that this isn't up for committee review, that I don't need to defend myself. We are not in the court of public opinion. And most people, honestly, they will respect that boundary. The ones who don't, well, yeah, they're just wrestling with their own emotional immaturity or anxiety, and no amount of explaining will fix what's happening in their head.
• 10:05
  So you can just let it go. It's not yours to take. I'm so curious. Drop a comment and tell me what's your go to one liner response when someone questions your homeschooling choice? I'd love to hear what's working for you, and I know mom is in the comments.
• 10:18
  We'll love hearing all the genius answers that you guys have. Okay. So that was status quo bias. This explains why people get uncomfortable when you choose a different path. But here's where it gets even more interesting.
• 10:29
  Sometimes people aren't just uncomfortable with your choice. Sometimes they're actually handing you their problems and expecting you to carry them. And trust me, once you see this next one in action, you can never unsee it, and we'll talk about it right after this. You know how feeding a homeschool family can feel like running a twenty four hour diner with a revolving menu? Yeah.
• 10:51
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• 11:16
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• 11:36
  That's CHRISTYFAITH15 at a z u r e standard dot com. Welcome back. Alright. Let's talk about this whole handing you their problems thing. Because once you recognize it, it's going to change every awkward conversation that you are in.
• 11:52
  We're gonna talk about shame projection or the art of other people handing you their problems that aren't yours and then expecting you to solve them. This is where you get, oh my goodness. I could never homeschool. I can barely get through a weekend with my kids without losing my mind. When you hear those, don't you just wanna scream?
• 12:10
  Here's what's fascinating about those comments. I would put in, I'm not patient enough to homeschool or my kid and I are oil and water, all those things that you've heard. It sounds like a conversation about homeschooling, but it's actually a therapy session about her last Tuesday. This is shame projection, and once you see it, you can't unsee it. So shame projection happens when someone feels insecure about their choices, so they take those feelings, gift wrap them in concern about you, and then hand them to you like the emotional package that you never ordered.
• 12:43
  Prime shipping included. It's really not malicious. Most people have no idea they're doing it. It's just easier for them to point at your risky choices rather than their own uncomfortable feelings. Translation guide.
• 12:55
  When they say, but what about socialization? They might be thinking, I'm not sure my kid has enough meaningful friendships. When they say, what about prom? They're processing their own nostalgia and unexamined assumptions about what makes a childhood meaningful. Homeschoolers are just triggering in general.
• 13:13
  It's something that we need to accept because our choice communicates that there's another way and a better way and that we chose it and that we're making sacrifices to do it, and they know it. Now don't get me wrong. Not everyone can homeschool, and not everyone should homeschool. But it's pretty common in just everyday conversation when homeschooling comes up for our homeschooling to trigger someone else's internal monologue and fears or guilt that they haven't dealt with yet. Because I'm gonna say something right now that might be unpopular.
• 13:42
  If you can barely stand your kids for a weekend, that's a problem that needs to be fixed. I want you to enjoy your kids and love your kids, and that's something to fight for. That's not a reason to hand them off on Monday morning. That's such a fixed mindset, and to me, that's so sad. It's so common that other people's worries sneak out disguised as your problems, but you're not required to accept delivery on that emotional Amazon package.
• 14:05
  Okay? So here's what to do. Respond with empathy. Don't come off as judgy or mean or snooty. Sometimes it's good just to deflect and say, oh, man.
• 14:15
  My kids have grown so much since I brought them home. They were really struggling before, and we're finally seeing progress. You can talk about the positives of homeschooling and make it really personal so that they can agree with you on it. And if someone cloaks their own concerns with kind of a judginess to it, it's okay to set a boundary too. You can say something like, I appreciate the concern.
• 14:35
  We're really happy with how things are going, and we have no concerns about our kids' future or our kids' social life or our kids' academics, or our kids' blank. You can fill in the blank. Choose your own adventure, and then redirect. You know if someone's actually curious or not. It's okay sometimes to change the subject, ask about their kids, the weather, literally anything else.
• 14:54
  You're not being rude. You're just politely declining to sign up for their emotional package delivery. What are your go to replies when someone kinda projects their parenting fears or what they're worried about on you? I'd love to hear. Okay.
• 15:07
  So now you know how to spot shame projection when you see it. Right? We're like looking at the matrix here, aren't we? Here's where things get really interesting. What happens when your kids are clearly thriving and people still invent problems?
• 15:22
  Let's talk about that. If you're taking notes, I hope you're not. I hope you're just sitting here enjoying it. We're gonna talk about cognitive dissonance or aka when your thriving kids break someone else's brain. Okay.
• 15:34
  Picture this. Someone runs into you at the farmer's market. Your kids are explaining to the mushroom vendor why shiitakes grow on logs while portobellos need composted manure, casually dropping words like mycelium. They're making eye contact, asking follow-up questions, and are genuinely engaged. And the vendor is charmed.
• 15:54
  The person watching you asks, oh, why aren't your kids in school? And you reply that you're a homeschooler, and then all of a sudden, their concern comes out. But aren't you worried they're missing out on standing in the lunch line and navigating school drama? That's such an important life skill. So wait a minute here.
• 16:12
  Your kids are conducting a mycology seminar with a small business owner, and this lady over here is worried about cafeteria lines? Welcome to cognitive dissonance, where observable reality and deeply held beliefs enter a cage match, and you're the referee. So cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort people feel when new information contradicts existing beliefs, and we actually all have it. We need to be intellectually honest here. Their worldview says kids need traditional school to thrive and function in society, and your thriving homeschooled kids say, well, actually, the evidence suggests otherwise.
• 16:48
  Take a look. Now their brain is forced to do Olympic level mental gymnastics to make the puzzle pieces fit. The sad thing is most people genuinely feel pretty threatened by other people's choices. I don't know why. I think emotional maturity is when you can reach a level of nonchalance where you just don't care what people think, and you don't feel judged by other people's decisions.
• 17:11
  But quite frankly, most people don't calmly update their beliefs. Sadly, they double down. So when your well adjusted kids challenge someone's assumptions about education, they do the same thing. If they're unhealthy, they'll manufacture problems just to soothe their present dissonance. Like, just wait until high school.
• 17:30
  But what about the real world? And we can fall into the trap of wanting to make excuses and to explain ourselves and to explain our homeschooling choice and give you all the data and all of the things. But the reality is they're probably not really worried about your kid's future. They're more likely patching the crack in their own worldview. So here's what to do when you face cognitive dissonance.
• 17:52
  Remember that it's not your puzzle to solve. You already did the work, and you arrived that homeschooling was the best choice for your family. You don't need to do the work for her too. When someone insists that your thriving kids must be missing something, you can just keep it light. Oh, my kids are doing great.
• 18:07
  Every family has their own path. We love ours. My go to is, oh, man. We just love the homeschooling lifestyle. And if they escalate into doomsday prophecies regarding your children, you can just say, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
• 18:20
  I don't recommend this, but one time Scott said, well, I guess we'll just roll the dice. I don't know. That's probably bad advice. But the point is to reach this level of unbothered, which is where I want you to be, it's important that you refuse to absorb other people's anxiety. You are not a sponge.
• 18:37
  Their mental gymnastics routine is their workout. It's not yours. So cognitive dissonance explains why people invent future problems for your kids even when they're doing pretty darn great right now. But there's one more bias that honestly is my favorite, and it is really sneaky. It's the one where someone will hold on to that one weird story about that one homeschooled kid that they once knew on the block, and they'll hold on to that for literally decades while completely ignoring every success story right in front of them.
• 19:12
  If you've ever wondered why your thriving kids still don't seem to count as evidence, you're about to find out why. And this one's a doozy. We'll be right back. As a homeschool mom who values a family together approach and leans towards the classical and Charlotte Mason styles, I often struggle to bring my educational vision to life with my kids' diverse ages and learning needs. With all our interests and super packed schedule, bridging that gap between the dreamy homeschool I want and reality, I gotta be honest.
• 19:40
  It's a challenge. Now, yes, I know perfection isn't the goal. But if you're listening and you could use a little easing of your mental load in your day to day, I found a resource that has become the quiet hero of our routine, and it could be a really great option for you too. BJU Press homeschool curriculum. Now many think that BJU Press homeschool is solely an all in one option, and though it does excel in that role, did you know you can also opt for specific courses and tailor them to fit your family's needs just as I have?
• 20:08
  BGU Press Homeschool provides the perfect balance of structure and flexibility and easily complements my family's mixed age family together on the couch learning style. They are second to none in integrating a biblical worldview, stimulating critical thinking, and offering tons of hands on activities in the lessons. To find out how BJU Press Homeschool can come alongside you in your homeschooling goals too. Visit bjupresshomeschool.com or click the link in the show notes. Before we continue, I wanna share with you a program that's been a game changer for our homeschool.
• 20:40
  At our center, we instructed and helped kids through pretty much every math program on the market and know firsthand just how important a solid math foundation is for our kids' futures. As a career educator with high standards, finding the right program that checked all the boxes felt like too tall of an order until one day I tried CTC Math. CTC Math is an online math curriculum for K to 12 students with motivating interactive lessons that allow kids to learn at their own pace. It does all the teaching and grading so you don't have to, and their adaptive lessons adjust so your child is progressing confidently. With CTC Math, your child is getting a top notch education, and you just made your homeschool life easier.
• 21:18
  Visit ctcmath.com to start your free trial today or click the link in the show notes. Before we get into our last point of the day, I wanna have some real talk real quick, and it's about this show. For those of you who have listened to my show, you know what to do right now. And for those of you who haven't heard this part, please stop and listen up. This isn't gonna be professional Christy talking.
• 21:37
  It's just you and me, two homeschool moms. It is so important to me that I keep this show free, and I do not gatekeep. I give you all of me. Like today, with the psychological breakdowns, some sample scripts, and confidence building tools, all without you spending a single dime. And I love that.
• 21:57
  And I'm thankful to the sponsors who make that possible. But here's where you come in. Right now, there's another mom Googling how to respond when people judge my homeschooling at 11PM feeling alone and second guessing everything. And you, you can be the reason she finds this episode. This is the perfect moment right now while I'm talking to take ten seconds for you to pause and leave a quick comment, leave an encouragement, leave a snarky comment, drop some stars, or hit that subscribe button.
• 22:26
  That tiny action tells the algorithm that this show deserves to be seen. And it costs you nothing, but it could mean everything to a mom searching in the dark right now. You see, this podcast is about transforming families and building a movement of moms taking back the hearts and minds of their kids. Sadly, those robots want us to play a game. So I'm asking you to play it and be a part of that mission just by being here and engaging with the show.
• 22:52
  So if you believe in what we're doing here, would you please just take ten seconds right now and engage? It's free, it's fast, and it really is powerful. From my heart, I'm thankful. Okay. So we've saved the best for last.
• 23:04
  The last point of the day. This is my favorite because it explains so much about why some people will just not update their beliefs no matter what you show them. They're just sticks in the mud, and it is confirmation bias. Or as I like to call it, the one weird homeschool kid they'll never forget. No matter how many extracurriculars, how many sports, how many youth group visits, science fairs your kid dominates, or how they naturally chat with adults and kids, people of all different ages, someone always has a story about that one homeschool kid who wore medieval tunics until age 19 and genuinely believed Canada was a myth perpetuated by mapmakers.
• 23:44
  Confirmation bias enters the chat, where the mental filing cabinet where every oddball homeschool antidote lives rent free in a penthouse suite while contradicting evidence gets filed under doesn't count. Here's how it works. Our brain loves to notice, remember, and weigh information that confirms what we already want to believe while conveniently ignoring everything that doesn't. If someone believes homeschoolers are socially awkward, they'll remember the one kid who struggled and forget the 12 who organized the neighborhood kickball league like fortune five hundred project managers. If they think traditional school is the only path that's right, they'll file away every homeschool concern while overlooking every public school failure story.
• 24:31
  And take a look at Nation's report card. There's a lot of them. I am sure this frustrates all of you listening today. So what we need to let go of is thinking that we can logic someone out of their confirmation bias, especially when they're really attached to it. You can show them your thriving kids, and their brain will make it not count.
• 24:51
  Well, your kids are just different. Or, well, you're homeschooling the right way, and so many people do it wrong. Have you heard that one before? That one gets to me. Any evidence that challenges their belief just gets dismissed.
• 25:03
  So here's what to do when you are faced with this. You have permission right now to stop trying to be the perfect homeschool ambassador and to analyze what you say and how you say it, and then to ruminate afterwards on what you wish you would have said instead. Or get a little bit worked up and then feel bad about how you responded and wish that you were kinder. Let's not even go there. You don't need to prove anything.
• 25:25
  When someone shares their cautionary tale, you can smile and say, oh, interesting. That hasn't been our experience. Full stop. Just let it sit there like an awkward casserole at a potluck. You don't need to counter with your own evidence parade.
• 25:38
  It rarely changes the mind, and it exhausts you. The people who are genuinely curious will ask real questions. The ones stuck in confirmation bias will believe what they want to anyway. So save your energy. Live your life visibly and confidently.
• 25:54
  Let your kids be who they are. That's all the proof you need. The rest, that's their filing system to organize, not yours. Now I wanna ask you a question right now because I am so curious. I have heard of one person where this happens to.
• 26:08
  Have you ever had someone completely change their mind about homeschooling after seeing your kids and your family? I would love to hear your story. Please share that in the comments. Okay. Now let's get into the quote of the week.
• 26:20
  Here's what I want you to walk away with today. You don't have to get defensive. You don't have to over explain. You don't have to be put in a position where you're gonna say something that you'll regret later just because someone made you feel like you owe them a thesis defense for your educational choices. What you learned today, those four biases, they're not just psychology trivia.
• 26:41
  They're your permission slip to stay calm, set boundaries, and feel confident in your choice without ever apologizing for it. A simple response, we've weighed the pros and cons, and it's working really well for our family, is all you need. That's it. No guilt, no scrambling, no defensiveness. And here's my quote of the week, and I love this one.
• 27:03
  The wrong people will prove you can do it all by yourself. The right people will show you that you don't have to. Listen. If you're surrounded by critics, questioners, and people who make you feel like you're constantly on trial for homeschooling, it's exhausting, isn't it? And isolating.
• 27:20
  But here's the thing. You don't have to do this alone. You deserve to be in a community where people get it, where you're not defending your choices, but celebrating them, and where someone actually has your back. If this quote resonated with you at all, I'd love to send you completely for free a beautifully designed note card featuring it. Perfect for your mirror, your car dashboard, or on your coffee maker, or anywhere that you wanna see it on a regular basis.
• 27:47
  It's my little gift to remind you that you're not homeschooling solo, and as a thank you for engaging with this show. Whether it's by liking it, leaving a review, giving it all the stars if you feel like those stars are deserved, or commenting, or all of the above. You'll find a link to this beautiful ready to print note card in the show notes. Just print it, cut it out, and let it encourage you, friend. And if you want me to see it, tag me on social media.
• 28:12
  We see everything and read every comment and DM, and we want you to know that you are part of a community here in Christy Faith land. And speaking of community, if you're tired of feeling alone in your homeschooling journey or you need some coaching and some experts to give you some solid advising, come check out Thrive. In Thrive Homeschool Community, it's a space where homeschool moms get it, support each other, and celebrate the wins without judgment. And did you know that you get instant access to experts in there? You don't have to book consultation calls for hundreds of dollars.
• 28:44
  It's an affordable way to give your kids the best education possible and the one they deserve, and it's what I wish I had when I started homeschooling. And it wasn't there, so I built it. You don't have to feel alone and isolated one more day. If you like this episode and need more on this topic, I got you covered. I've put two shows in the show notes that go even deeper on some of the topics that we discussed today, so go ahead and check those out.
• 29:09
  Thank you for being here. Thank you for having the courage to choose what's best for your family, and thank you for being a part of our incredible mission here on the Christy Faith Show. I will see you next week.