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Becoming Whole: Jay Bolin's Healing Path · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Jesshill with Doctor j a production of The
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to another
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  Speaker 1: episode to Just Here with Doctor Jay and I am
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: your host, Doctor J. Barnett. I'm excited to kick off
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  Speaker 1: these next series of episodes. I am sitting down and
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  Speaker 1: I am talking to some amazing brothers. We're gonna talk
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  Speaker 1: about love, we want to talk about healing, and we're
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  Speaker 1: gonna talk about the journey of becoming Today. I have
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  Speaker 1: an amazing brother. He's a fellow Mississippian. You know, Normally
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  Speaker 1: when I get up with David Banner, we talk about,
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  Speaker 1: you know, were the two best brothers that come out
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  Speaker 1: of Mississippi. But I think we gotta add another one
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  Speaker 1: to the brothers that have come out of Mississippi. Man,
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  Speaker 1: my good brother, stylists, this is not just any stylist,
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  Speaker 1: celebrity stylist, My brother Jay Bowling Man. Welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: healing community.
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  Speaker 2: Brother. What's up man?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you y'all gotta add me in in that batchman
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  Speaker 3: from Mississippi.
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  Speaker 1: Bro, brother, we got you, bann Brother, Listen, Walter Payton
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  Speaker 1: Man and Jerry Right.
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  Speaker 2: It's got to put us on. Steve McNair Steve McNair.
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  Speaker 2: You got man, Dude, I'm happy to be here.
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  Speaker 1: Man. Man, you look good.
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  Speaker 2: Man.
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  Speaker 1: What are you doing?
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  Speaker 2: Dude? What is life doing? Man? What is life doing? Man?
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  Speaker 2: You know what I'm I'm on this journey right now.
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  Speaker 3: Man, I've just kind of transforming my mind, my body, soul,
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  Speaker 3: and you know, I'm normally a lot more just than this, right, Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: but I like this look though.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Man, this is just me and my chill mold. This
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  Speaker 3: is my current representation. I'm always stalling people. I mean
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  Speaker 3: I stall people. I kind of style them for where
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  Speaker 3: they're going, and I always forget to stop people for
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  Speaker 3: where they are now.
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  Speaker 2: And so this is a season where I'm learning how
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  Speaker 2: to dress.
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  Speaker 3: People before where they are right in this particular moment,
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  Speaker 3: not forgetting about the future, but stalling them for what's
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  Speaker 3: now so I can focus on now and not worry
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  Speaker 3: about tomorrow. And so this is like my representation of, like, dude,
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  Speaker 3: just focus on it now, transform my body and making
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  Speaker 3: an easy and effortless man losing weight.
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  Speaker 2: Bro Listen, wait man, this brother.
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  Speaker 1: We got to age well, man, Yeah, we got to
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  Speaker 1: age well and especialized black men. Because I'll tell you
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  Speaker 1: this brothers are not making it past fifty. Yeah, brothers
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  Speaker 1: are not even making it sixty. I think it's a
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  Speaker 1: CDC says the Liked Expectancy of a Black Man. It's
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  Speaker 1: right around sixty nine point five.
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  Speaker 3: That's crazy, you know what? You know what's even crazier.
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  Speaker 3: And I hate to even say this on camera, but
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  Speaker 3: I gotta say it. I don't even know with the
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  Speaker 3: way that I was living my life that I would
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  Speaker 3: even have made it to that.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 3: I was literally headed towards I was close to three
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  Speaker 3: hundred pounds, literally, and.
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  Speaker 2: So when people see me, they're like, Jay, like, you
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  Speaker 2: can't be three hundred pounds.
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  Speaker 3: But when people didn't realize is that I'm an expert
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  Speaker 3: in dressing bodies. So with dressing bodies, I knew how
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  Speaker 3: to dress my body that made it look like I
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  Speaker 3: wasn't headed that direction. Yeah, so I knew how. I
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  Speaker 3: knew how to i'maflage it, you know what I mean
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  Speaker 3: at the time, and so I would address myself on
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  Speaker 3: these oversized clothes and make it look all funky and cool.
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  Speaker 3: And what people that know is that I was like,
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  Speaker 3: I'm hiding life right now up under all these clothes.
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  Speaker 3: I'm hiding all the baggage U under these clothes right now,
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  Speaker 3: no sleep, on the run all the time, bad eating
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  Speaker 3: all the time, cholesterol probably through the roof, Scared to
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  Speaker 3: go to the doctor, not necessarily knowing what it's going
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  Speaker 3: to be like, because you know, you have family members
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  Speaker 3: that either die from diabetes or from heart failure, from addictions,
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  Speaker 3: from all these different things. And so I'm just like,
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  Speaker 3: I didn't want to be in that number, but I
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  Speaker 3: was headed down that road, but I was kind of
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  Speaker 3: disguising it with clothes and with career.
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  Speaker 1: You know, you said something, man, and I want to
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  Speaker 1: say thank you, brother for sharing that, because you often
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  Speaker 1: don't hear black men say I am afraid to go
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  Speaker 1: to the doctor. Yeah. We often see their fear carried
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  Speaker 1: out through their behavior where you ask them if they
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  Speaker 1: go into the out there and they're like, no, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not good.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I mean I am that guy.
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  Speaker 3: I've done that before, right, And this season has taught
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  Speaker 3: me like to be a lot more transparent. I've been
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  Speaker 3: transparent about my career a lot, but not necessarily my
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  Speaker 3: personal life. And so obviously I was able to hide it,
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  Speaker 3: lemonflage it dress it all the cool things and so
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  Speaker 3: now I'm just like, I'm in a season where I'm like, Okay,
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  Speaker 3: be transparent about your your fitness journey.
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  Speaker 2: Because the more transparent I'm.
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  Speaker 3: About it, I can't necessarily hold myself accountable, but now
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  Speaker 3: my community can hold me accountable.
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  Speaker 2: So as I'm out Now.
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  Speaker 3: I was out the other day out eating and I
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  Speaker 3: could feel somebody watching my plate across someone who knew
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  Speaker 3: me that was a fan of my work, but I
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  Speaker 3: could feel them watching my plate. They was like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: you want this fitness journey blah blah blah. But I
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  Speaker 3: could feel them watching my plate, and I was like,
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  Speaker 3: that's cool because that's accountability wherever I go.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what I mean. What I love about
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  Speaker 1: what you're doing in this season, Man, that I think
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  Speaker 1: that it's so powerful is you are allowing the human
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  Speaker 1: to be revealed through the work. Wow. We often see
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  Speaker 1: the persona. Bishop says this to me often. He was
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  Speaker 1: He said, you know, be careful building that persona because
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  Speaker 1: that persona will rise up and kill the person Wow,
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  Speaker 1: build a person And using he said this, I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: all right, we're sitting this closer. Yeah, you know, but
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  Speaker 1: you know everything from him, just you know, amplifies just
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  Speaker 1: just just through his voice and what I'm seeing from you,
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  Speaker 1: because when you started sharing your journey, and you started
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  Speaker 1: sharing your journey from a very vulnerable place, you and
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  Speaker 1: I both from Mississippi. And one of the things that
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  Speaker 1: I'll say to people being raised in the Deep South,
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  Speaker 1: there are certain habits that you develop that is just normal.
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  Speaker 1: And when you talked about the way you ate, you
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  Speaker 1: talked about how often you ate it, you talked about
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  Speaker 1: the candy bars and the jump. He was talking about
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  Speaker 1: how you allowed your kids to eat the same thing,
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  Speaker 1: because most of what we eat in the South was
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  Speaker 1: really given to us because we needed to.
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  Speaker 3: Survive, survival and just survival and happiness.
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  Speaker 2: Like I feel like it made it made.
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  Speaker 3: It made my grandparents happy to see us eat and
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  Speaker 3: so and obviously eat their food. So I remember when
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  Speaker 3: growing up with my parents would try to stop me, like,
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  Speaker 3: don't eat all that cake, and my grandma would be like,
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  Speaker 3: go let that boy eat all the cake you want
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  Speaker 3: to eat, you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm sitting there and I'm eating, and I'm eating,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm eating.
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  Speaker 3: And as a child, you don't really know until you
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  Speaker 3: start getting cavities, you know, what I mean, that's the
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  Speaker 3: only thing that kind of red flags.
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  Speaker 2: And so, you know, growing up, I ate whatever I could.
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  Speaker 3: Then I became a like a secret eater, so I
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  Speaker 3: knew that eating was eating wrong, was the wrong.
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  Speaker 2: Thing to do. I knew that it was the wrong
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  Speaker 2: thing to do.
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  Speaker 1: And I was.
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  Speaker 3: Surrounded around people in Hollywood who were about their fitness
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  Speaker 3: and their health. So I wouldn't necessarily eat bad things
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  Speaker 3: around people at work. I would only eat when I
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  Speaker 3: got back my hotel room. I would eat wrong when
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  Speaker 3: I got alone. And even you know, in my marriage,
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  Speaker 3: I literally would eat in silence sometime or eat alone
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  Speaker 3: so that my wife can't even see me eat the
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  Speaker 3: wrong things. But eventually that kind of gave out. Right,
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  Speaker 3: get you get comfortable, and it's like you're gonna get.
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  Speaker 2: What it is.
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  Speaker 3: And then eventually my children started to experience the same thing,
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  Speaker 3: and so I noticed that I would eat bad. I'd
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  Speaker 3: eat all kind of breaches and chocolates and all kinds
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  Speaker 3: of stuff, man, all day long.
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  Speaker 2: And I had to apologize to my kids recently.
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  Speaker 3: I said, I want you to forgive me for teaching
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  Speaker 3: you how to eat the wrong things. You watched me
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  Speaker 3: take you down this path, and we know what sugar
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  Speaker 3: does to your brain. We know that there's no clarity there.
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  Speaker 3: We know that it's hard for you to think. And
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  Speaker 3: I'm expecting for my kids to be excellent in school
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  Speaker 3: and learning, and they're watching me on a rhythm of
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  Speaker 3: little sleep, lots of bad food, little sleep, lots of
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  Speaker 3: bad food, and I'm expecting for them to follow that
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  Speaker 3: same path and expecting greatness to come from them.
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  Speaker 2: And I may spake the great distinct for myself, like
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  Speaker 2: how crazy is that? The expecting greatness but my ingredients
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  Speaker 2: are horrible?
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  Speaker 1: Listen, brother, I have to let that sit because in
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  Speaker 1: my world, I deal with mental health and when I
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  Speaker 1: first started practicing as a clinician, I worked with many
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  Speaker 1: people who had eating disorders and they didn't know that
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  Speaker 1: they were eating disorders, and particularly in the black community.
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  Speaker 1: I remember I was on an episode with Taraji and
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  Speaker 1: Tracy j And when they had a Peace of Mind
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  Speaker 1: and they had Gabby from who played Precious and so
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  Speaker 1: I was on there talking about eating disorders amongst black women.
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  Speaker 1: Because growing up in the South, there were so many
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  Speaker 1: things that we thought were attached to white people, like
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  Speaker 1: white people are bollemic, white people are anorexic. White people
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  Speaker 1: have these different things. And what I didn't realize is Jay,
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  Speaker 1: is that much of the disorders that were sort of
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  Speaker 1: derivted from our experience often was a part of how
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  Speaker 1: we comfort ourselves. Do you in some way feel that
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  Speaker 1: the food that you were eating comforted you in some way?
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  Speaker 3: Heck yeah, And even to this day, like I'm on
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  Speaker 3: like day like fifty three right now, of just the
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  Speaker 3: fitness journey of losing weight. Right, So now I have
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  Speaker 3: to find comfort in other things, and I have to
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  Speaker 3: find confident in the world, to be honest with you,
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  Speaker 3: because you can find comfort in a whole thing. And
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  Speaker 3: when it comes to alcohol, I've never been a person
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  Speaker 3: who drink like that. I've never been a person who
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  Speaker 3: smoked like that. So mine was eating. So I found
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  Speaker 3: comfort in eating all the time, man eating and television
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  Speaker 3: just whatever way that I could literally escape life and
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  Speaker 3: escape really dealing with my own trauma. I did that.
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  Speaker 3: Whatever it was, I did that so that I could
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  Speaker 3: dodge life itself. And so these last fifty two days,
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  Speaker 3: this transformation is just really starting.
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  Speaker 2: You know, this transformation.
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  Speaker 3: Su It really came from I heard God say at
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  Speaker 3: the top of the top of last year, says this
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  Speaker 3: is going to be the year of transformation to me,
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  Speaker 3: and I said, okay, cool. Well, I'm thinking I'm gonna
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: be doing makeoversus, the makeovers on women and men across
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  Speaker 3: the world. I kind of do like the before and
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: the afters. And you know how back in the day
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: on Regulate, like they'll have the before picture and then
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  Speaker 3: they bus through the wall on the after. That's what
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  Speaker 3: I thought the whole dream was going to be. Like, well,
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  Speaker 3: I didn't know that the transformation was going to be
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  Speaker 3: about me. Come on, So the transformation ended up being
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  Speaker 3: about myself. And I'm like, well, I keep putting out
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  Speaker 3: advertisements about before and afters. Then people keep calling, but
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  Speaker 3: I'm not motivated to go do the before and afters.
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  Speaker 3: And I'm like, the transformation is on me. The transformation
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: is on me. And I kept being afraid to take
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  Speaker 3: this journey of transformation for myself because I knew that
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: it would reveal all the exposed wounds that had never
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  Speaker 3: been acknowledged. Yeah, and so I also started reading a
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  Speaker 3: book and I'm like, why the heck, di, let's start
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: reading this book.
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  Speaker 1: It's called of God.
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  Speaker 2: And I was thinking, Okay, this book is going to
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  Speaker 2: be about.
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  Speaker 3: The glory of God, like you know what I mean,
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  Speaker 3: Like just all the glory of God. This book has
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  Speaker 3: been about checking myself. Every single part of the book
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  Speaker 3: has told me about myself. And I'm like, Okay, God, whatever,
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  Speaker 3: this transformation journey is a d woman to be on.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to stick to it day by day. I'm
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  Speaker 3: such a planner. I love planning things. I'm ambitious as well,
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: so I can do last minute things. Also, I know
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  Speaker 3: how to bring something to life. I know how to
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  Speaker 3: make money. I know how to do all these things
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  Speaker 3: from Mississippi, so we know the hustle bulk, I get
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  Speaker 3: it out the mud. I know how to do all that.
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  Speaker 3: And then this season, God's like I need you to
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  Speaker 3: sit in it. I need you to sit at home.
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  Speaker 3: This is the first time I've been at home. Like
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: I probably traveled maybe two or three times and maybe
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  Speaker 3: the past five months very abnormal, dude, Like I'm literally
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: on the road every day all day with clients, and
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: so a little bit of me want to freak out
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: because I'm.
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  Speaker 1: Like I'm experiencing the same thing.
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, Like what's happening God, Like, what's next?
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  Speaker 3: I'm a planner, so like I can come up with
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  Speaker 3: an idea, and every time I try to come up
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  Speaker 3: with idea, the idea feels stale. And I'm like, so,
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  Speaker 3: I feel like what God is telling me is that, like, listen,
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  Speaker 3: what used to work for you doesn't work anymore for you.
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  Speaker 3: So whatever your ingredients were, then whatever your formula was,
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  Speaker 3: then that formula doesn't work in this season. And the
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  Speaker 3: new formula hasn't been revealed to me yet, and I'm
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  Speaker 3: just like, okay, I'm in that middle stage of what's
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  Speaker 3: the new formula and releasing the old formula and just
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: sitting in it. And God's like, I just need you
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  Speaker 3: to focus, dude, from day to day.
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  Speaker 2: Just every single day, wake up in new manner.
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  Speaker 3: Don't worry about tomorrow, don't worry about all of your planning,
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: don't worry about who's calling, don't worry about the next
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  Speaker 3: red carpet, don't worry about all these next big things.
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  Speaker 2: And that's where my brain goes. I'm like, Okay, it's
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  Speaker 2: a war.
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  Speaker 3: Warn you know, who's calling for the oscars, who's calling
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: for the NWCP, who's calling, who's callings calling? And the phones,
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: you know, they get silent, and you get worried and like, Okay, God,
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  Speaker 3: I got a got a whole house to take care of,
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  Speaker 3: got a whole family take care, I got kids take
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  Speaker 3: care of. I got a son's about to go to college.
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  Speaker 3: I got a lot to do. And I'm like, what
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  Speaker 3: I don't want to do is be broken again. I've
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: been there before, broke, I've been broke, and so I
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: had a coin to tell me. She was like the
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: actress Tina Lefford. She said, Jay Bullen, you work out
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  Speaker 3: to fear.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean?
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  Speaker 3: She was like, you work so hard, but you're not
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: working hard because you enjoy it. You're working hard because
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: it's fear. And she was like, if you believe in
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: the very god that you call god, she was like,
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: you don't have to work out of fear. She said,
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: you're scared of being broke, or you're scared of what's
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: not going to happen for you because you're scared of
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: what used to be.
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  Speaker 2: And she's like, just like.
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  Speaker 3: Your past and your past on this old formula, you know,
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: in your old ingredient. She was like, so are your
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: broke days. So you don't have to worry about your
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: broke days anymore. But as a man, and then from Mississippi,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: you're told that, listen, you got to get up and
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: go to work.
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  Speaker 2: You got to make some.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: Shape, you got to make some may if something ain't happening,
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  Speaker 3: nobody's eating, nobody's eating. And so I feared that I've
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: had my lights off, I've had my water cut off.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: I've had it where my wife and I've had to
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: like Kembical's. People think that I started a candal collection,
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: like a home collection. They're like, we love your candles.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: I'm thinking, They're like, how did you fall in love
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: with camels? I'm like, I fell in love with camels
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: because I that's the only thing I had as light
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: in my house.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: I had to light Kemble's in my house to create
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: an aroma.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: To create a room, to create an environment, and to
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: have light because these lights wouldn't come on because I
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: couldn't pay the bill.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I never want to go to that again.
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  Speaker 3: But I'm understanding now that every single part of the
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: journey is just a part of the process. So now
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  Speaker 3: I am healing. Come on, I'm healing what has never
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: been cleaned.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Man so much, because as you're talking three things. Your
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: healing wasn't what was What wasn't revealed because it was concealed.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: And what this healing is going to do is not
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: just liberate you, but this healing is going to literally
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: break chapels off of the construct. Because being from the south,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: whether you grew up in Mars or was it Marcy
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Projects in New York, whether you grew up off of Crenshaw,
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: no matter whether you grew up in South Side Chicago,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: no matter where you grew up, there is a construct
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: that you have attached to your belief system that tells
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: your brain that I have to do this. If I
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: don't want to go back here, I have to become this,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: if I don't want to experience absolutely. And so what
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: happened is, rather than living from this liberated place or
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: this place of freedom right and this place of abundance,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: we start to live from the place of the trauma.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: So the trauma is responding. It's the trauma that is ambitious, right,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: It's the trauma that says, I have to answer this
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: call because I don't answer this call. Right. I know
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I'm tired, I know I need to reser, But if
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: I don't answer this call, man they may not ever
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: call again.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: And it starts to play with your worth.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: It starts to play with your own mental worth, as in, like,
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: am I am I worth it? If a call is
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: to come through? Am I worth it? If I don't
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: get this job? Am I worth it? And so I'm
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: also in this journey right now of that my worth
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: is not performative.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: You know, it's not based off my.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Performance, based off who you are.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: It's based off who I am, man. But knowing who
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: I am is the part that's constantly been revealed as.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Well, exactly because it's it's it's doing the deep dive
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: to excavate the things out that we typically hide as
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: men behind, not only just the masculinity man, but we
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: hide behind quote unquote manhood. Yeah, yeah, right, And we
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: were taught that, right, and we were taught that. But
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: what I love about this and this is the third
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: time I've seen you, probably the last three or four months, yeah,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: because we hadn't seen each other that often. I would
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: say this, brother, this is the lightest I've ever seen you.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Oh wow. And I can see the lightness in you
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: because I've also had to become light. And I feel
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: like what God has done with the both of us
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: is challenge us to turn our poor inward. Wow, we
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: were given.
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: Out because the brother didn't expect for that to happen
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: on here, My poor dame. Pouring inward is crazy. I've
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: never even thought of it that way, Bro. I poured
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: our ward in my whole life, from childhood, I've poured
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: our ward, even if it wasn't necessarily me serving people.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: I was serving the persona in hope of being light growing.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Up, even before career.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: So the persona of man, the people pleasing growing up,
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean? Want people to believe in me,
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: Want people to believe in my hopes and in my dreams,
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: and even in things that I couldn't even really articulate
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: what they even were. Like in this creative world, my
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: brain is running creatively and around people. I'm literally the
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: last of my class, like we were ranked in our
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: class by our GPAs I graduated the last of my class.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: They tried to hold me back almost every year of
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: being in high school because I was a different learner.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: So you can.
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: Imagine the trauma they're mentally and trying to figure out, Okay, cool,
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: what's happening with me?
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: Learning? Why am I not comprehending like everyone else.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: Why am I freaking out when a teacher calls my
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: name to read out loud in the class and I'm
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: stuttering and I'm just not moving and grooving like everybody
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: else is.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: So that kind of messes with your confidence.
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: Your confidence, Yeah, it did for years, honestly, until you
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: go to HBCU and then they pull something else out
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: of you. At HBCU, you start pulling out all the
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: cool things about yourself. You start learning all the cool things.
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: You start seeing other people that look like you and
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: that talk like you and reflect like you. Because I
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: went to school that was predominantly Caucasian in high school.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: So when I went to all, of course the university,
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: I got to see myself. So I got to see
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: other people, but I still didn't see necessarily the creative
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: person that matched.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: And that's that's fine.
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: I didn't see that because I mean, obviously that's still
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: being unfolded to this day on what it is and
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: who I am, and what my journey is and what
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: my legacy will be.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: It unfolds day to day.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: And as it unfolded daily, I think the reason that
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: you couldn't see it because you had to become what
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: you wanted to see, because sometimes we're looking for a
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: model or looking for it.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: And I was looking for it. I was looking for it.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: And I say often to people when it's like, well, Jay,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: like I said, I never saw black therapists. I never
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: saw anybody that was a former athlete that could transcend
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: the field and translate their ability to read plays and
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: to sort of sect and comprehend and process and then
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: take it into the classroom and learn whole new concepts
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: and theories and all these different things, and then turn
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: around it, push it out in such a way and
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: conceptualize it and give it to people in simpler and
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: simpler terms where they didn't feel like you were talking
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: over their heads and you were talking to them. I
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: never seen that, and I know I never forget. I
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: was at Bishop House and I said to him because
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I never get, and it's something man. I spent about
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: five hours with Bishop one day at and he just
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: poured into me for five hours, and I said, why
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: did you want me to come to the house. He said,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I wanted you to see what you can become and
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: what you can have. And my next question to him is,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: I said, how did you coming from West Virginia, he said,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: I became what I imagine. I imagine this, and as
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: you're talking, I'm saying to myself, you became the imagination
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: that you were looking for.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and many times as men, even as people, particularly
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: for creators growing up in the South, where you got
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: guys who if you live in Jackson, everybody remembers of
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Walter R. My cousin played at Jackson State.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Like.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: You got the athletes, right, you got all the people
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: who came out of Mississippi who was athletes. But you're
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: coming as somebody who said, I don't want to be
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: an athlete. I don't want to be an engineer. I
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: don't want to be a teacher. What you know was
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: extremely difficult. Exactly. I have this creative brain that doesn't
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: process like any other brain. What was there like man
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: to navigate that?
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: It was the hardest thing ever. Obviously, you know we
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: talked about the manhood situation. I think I played every
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: single sport that I possibly could to make sure that I.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Fit in the manhood category.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: I made sure that I did every single thing that
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: was not fascion oriented.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: I made like it it was facial oriented. I did
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: not do it right because.
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: I wanted to make sure that I was still seen
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: as a man in our culture. And eventually I was
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: just like, I gotta do it. And I remember working
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: at Nissan Plant. I went to discover a degree and
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: engineering and architecture from all corn I'm just like, you know,
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna go to Nissan plant and I'm gonna start
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: working at Nissan. I had my whole Dickey suit, you
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: know what I mean, with Bowling written across to the
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: front of it. And I was working on the line.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: I was programming and working on different things. And I
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: remember quitting that job. And I'll tell you the funny
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: story about that. I'm sitting in my car, I'm crying.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: I'm like, God, there has to be another something else
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: for me. It has to be something else I'm tired of.
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: I'm tired of operating and what everyone else wants me
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: to be. And I remember listening to a song by
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Smoking norfol It's called I Need You Now. And so
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: as I'm listening to that song, I go back in
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: the job and I actually end up quitting. I quit
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: the job. I walked away, and my whole family worked
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: and my dad worked there, my uncles worked there. Anybody
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: family worked because they had you know, good benefits, all
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: these all these things.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: So it was school. We had a good four one
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: k all that was lined up.
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: And here I am saying that I want to lead
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: to go into fashion now realizing that a year later
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: that I'll be styling.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: Smoking North for his album cover.
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: Wow, the very song that I heard that night that
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: I actually quit a year later because I actually ended
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: up taking that journey and following what I wanted to
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: become for myself. You were speaking of building this persona.
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: I literally built a persona. I went to my Space,
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: and I remember my Space, I chose my age. I
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: went to my Space and I remember putting on my
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: screen that I was a celebrity fashion stylist.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: Dude.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: I had never worked with a celebrity before in my life.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: I had never even met a celebrity before. And I
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: put celebrity fashion styles, and I was like, I can
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: build this, and I can build this thing out.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I'm going to build it out.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: And it was very easy for me to click out
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: of the reality and go into this character and go
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: into this creative world of my own. So I just
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: kind of created this world and It was literally like
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: me stepping out of my own boy and going into
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: this world.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: And that's what I fought people with.
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: So when people said anything crazy to me about stepping
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: into the fashion industry as a man and stepping into
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: the fashion industry from Mississippi, you shouldn't be doing that.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: That's not a real job. Like who needs my mom
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: to this day and we always laugh about it. She
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: was like, why can't a person dress themselves? I don't understand.
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: It's just like I don't understand this, and if you
• 25:22
  Speaker 3: don't understand.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: It, oh, well to that.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: But there is an occupation out there, yeah, for people
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: like myself, and we dress people for a living. I've
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: been able to maintain and do it now for going
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: to eighteen years of making living for my family, you know,
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: to live and thrive. And so I built this character,
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: and that character was literally how I fought my way through.
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: And so now I'm having to come from that character
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: and get out of character and do the internal work
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: on myself, on that person that I end up leaving
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: I left behind eighteen years ago.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Well, in some ways I think it was necessary. We
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: often don't meet at the same time when we're on
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: this journey of life, because what I realized is that
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: I was helping men heal, and as I was out front,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: and as I was the face and the poster child
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: of black men going to therapy, and as I so
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: openly and vulnerably shared my story, I had left the
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: little boy who still needed healing. And though the man
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: had done the work, but I left the little boy
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: no different than you left the little boy in Mississippi
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: because what you created on my space. It wasn't necessary
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: that you were an imposter, but it was that man.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: I have to think my way out out of this literally,
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: like and people don't realize, I call it marketing myself
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: out of poverty.
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: The poverty not necessarily just poverty financially, but poverty mindset.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: I said, I literally had to market myself. That's how
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: I got to Dallas. I've left Mississippi because I knew
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: that I needed more resources. I knew that there was
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: more opportunity for me to come here, and Mississippi has
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: definitely given me opportunity. Like crazy, bro, like my community there,
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: the people that pushed me there, the people that affirmed
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: me were there. It was a lot of great things
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: that actually happened there, But I knew that if I
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: wanted to furnt of my career and enhance it, I
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: needed to move. For flights were cheaper, you know what
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: I mean, for clients to flop me out, you know
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: what I mean. So it was just it was different,
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: and I ended up moving here. And I moved here, Bro,
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: I didn't have anything, I remember, really Mississippi with literally zero.
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: Like my furniture was furniture that my siblings had passed down,
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: had given me from like their old apartments and stuff.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: And I remember my mom and my dad brought me
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: out to brought me out to Dallas. I get out here, Bro,
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: and I'm looking for a place to live, and because
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: my credit score had become bad, and so literally I
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: was you know, I was an entrepreneur Mississippi, so trying
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: to make things work. I'm trying to make things shape.
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: So that messed my credit up and then it also
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: messed my way of living up. So when I get
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: to try to come to Dallas, I'm trying to start
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: life over again, this new character, trying to start life
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: over again. But here is that personal person that life
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: keeps popping up. So every time I would go to
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: an aproperate complex to apply for somewhere to live. They
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: wouldn't register with celebrity fashion stylists Ja Bolin. They would say, well,
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: Jason Boling, and this is a social Security number is
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: what we're looking at right now, and you can't stay here,
• 28:34
  Speaker 3: so you are not approved for this particular spot.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: Dude.
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: My mom was even trying to co sign, and I
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: was getting declined everywhere. I literally went to over thirty
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: different places here in Dallas and got declined everywhere I went.
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about I went to where I probably shouldn't
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: have even been going to apply, and I wouldn't apply,
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: and I was still getting denied. And this lady, we
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: were actually on our way back to Mississippi. My mom
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: was like, you know, like you'll find something will happen
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: for you soon. Go back to Mississippi, recoup yourself, get
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: your stuff together. And we were on six thirty five
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: and my dad looked at me in the car. I'm
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: sitting next to my dad in front of the truck.
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: My wife's sitting next to my mom in the back.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: And I looked at my dad and he's like, do
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: you really want to stay here? I was like, Dad,
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: I really want to move. I got a change. I
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: was like, if you if you want to, I'll give
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: you a thousand dollars. And I was like, thousand dollars
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: sounds good to me. I don't know what I'm gonna
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: do with it, don't know where I'm gonna go. But
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: he said, I give you a thousand. I don't know
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: what it's gonna do for you. My mom's in the back,
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: you know, I got a black mom. She's like, well,
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: what a thousand dollars gonna do for you? You need
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: to go back home and start life back over. And
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: I took that thousand dollars and I put it in
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: my pocket. My dad gave me. And there was this
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: lady that would have been reaching out to me on
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: social media, she'd been trying to work with me. She
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: had this weird it, this weird profile picture. It was
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: like like a truck or something. And how you know,
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: when you get those weird profiles that come to you
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: and their dmy, you kind of like.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: Who's who sent you? What do you want? Who sent you?
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Is this legit or not?
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: And she ended up reaching out to me and I
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: ended up telling her at an event one night.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: Wind up meeting at an event that somebody brought.
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: Me to in Dallas. I came back to Dallas where
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: to the event, and I see this lady.
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: She's like, I've been reaching out to you on social
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: media and I'm like, well, what do you like? What
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: is it?
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: She's like, I've been reaching out to you because I
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: want you to style me. And I was like, what's
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: your name on social media? I haven't seen your message.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: So she showed me a page and it was her
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: wow from this weird abby and so, you know how
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: you kind of cover things up in conversation. She was like,
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: why haven't you moved here? Like you should be in
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: Dallas And I'm like, you know, yeah, I'm trying to
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: find my kids a really good school.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: I haven't found a good school yet here in Dallas.
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: I'm lying, you know, faking until I make it so
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: I don't look like a crazy man out here. And
• 30:44
  Speaker 3: she was like, well, if you ever need a place
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: to live, I own homes.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: And I was like, own homes. Who does that?
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: I've never met anybody from where I was growing up
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: on owning homes outside of our own own And she
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: was like, I owned house and she was like I
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: actually have one for rent right now if you if
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: you want to least that when you can.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: It's just like all you need.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: Is a thousand dollars to get in, man, come on,
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: And I said done, I'm taking the deal right now.
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: I took that deal and I moved into that house.
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: I moved my family to the house and we moved in.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: It was it was a huge house. So I'm moving
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: to this house and I'm like, wow, like all this
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: is gonna be us now, and I'm trying to figure
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: out how to make it work.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: My mom walks in like a black mom, does her
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: hand on her hip.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: She was like, boy, how you gotta take How you
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: gonna take care of all these bills in this house?
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, mom, it'll all work out. Whatever it is,
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: it'll all work out. And so here I am, you know,
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: twelve years later, still here in Dallas, Texas, and that
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: particular client ended up being such an influence on my
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: life along the way. She ended up becoming amused of
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: mine that I actually ended up just styling. I was like, listen,
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: if I could style you for free, and you model,
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: you tagged me and I tagged you. It's some mutual
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: there and we make something work from it. She'dn't becoming
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: a model for me and becoming paying her to be
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: a model for me.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: Like so things end up building for that particular moment.
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: But it just shows you how you have to kind
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: of follow your heart and how God will literally lead
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: the path.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: The way that needs to be led.
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: And like you said, I was still dealing with the
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: hurt person, but I was putting that person aside. But
• 32:27
  Speaker 3: I had All I needed to do was to get
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: to Dallas and get my family settled.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: And then I can hop back in the character.
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: Ye if I could just hop in and get Jason
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: Bolan and his family together, get everybody settled, then I
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: can hop right back in the character. And it's exactly
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: what I did. I hopped right back into Jay Bolan.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: I'm not hopp right back into Jay Bowlan. I went
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: right back down this crazy road of work, work, work, work, work.
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: I missed so many opportunities, which is which is for me,
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: another piece of the healing journey, you know, Like I
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: my son is eighteen now.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: I missed so many.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: Football games, so many basketball games, and my daughter is
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: five now, and so I'm getting to kind of do
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: a lot more with her. So I'm obviously making sure
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: that there's no resentment between you know, the relationships of
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: what my son got versus what my daughter gets, and
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: also making sure that you know, I miss funerals, family
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: funerals for jobs I miss.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: I sacrificed so much for Jason.
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: I sacrifice sacrifice so much as Jason to give to
• 33:32
  Speaker 3: Jay Boland so that I could actually survive.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: And so here I am now.
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: I hope you're giving yourself grace. I am learning to
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: give myself grace. I'm learning to give myself.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: Grace because it wasn't just a sacrifice for you, man,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: it was also a sycrifice for the stability that you
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: needed to create for your family. I think that is
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: probably the most difficult thing that I don't think society.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say women, because I don't have
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: time to be going back and forth for folks in comments.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: But it's sometimes what we have to give up to
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: get and the exchange of what you have to give
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: for the time. Yeah, and it's not so much that
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: you want to be gone, but sometimes being gone is
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: how you keep everybody stable.
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: It's our kids from stable. And I also tell my
• 34:29
  Speaker 3: kids this too, like, Okay, Daddy has to go to work.
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: My daughter was saying last night, by Lee, if here
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: have to hop on a flight, and she's like.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: Why are you going out of town?
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: My son was very chill growing up, so he never
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: really said a word, you know, he would just give
• 34:43
  Speaker 3: me a hug and you know, say bye whatever. My
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: daughter asked the questions. She's the rebels, so she's like,
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: why are you going out of town? I'm like, do
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: you want that Barbie doll you talked about last week?
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: Do you want to go back to Disney again. I'm
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: hearing all these different things that you want. I'm having
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: to to them that in order for mom to be
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: at home with you every single day, come to every
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: single thing you have going on, to make sure that
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: the house is taken care of them, make sure you
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: have every game you want. Somebody has to get out
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: of work, and this particular case, it is dead, and
• 35:15
  Speaker 3: so I don't mind getting out sacrificing.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: So I'm letting them know I don't mind.
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: Sacrificing everything at the sake of you guys being happy.
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: But I also don't want to be the father that
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: is the one who just does this and think that
• 35:27
  Speaker 3: that's gonna, you know, take away from time. And so
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: now I'm just learning to spend time and they've gotten
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: spoiled now. So when I get on a flight, now
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: I've been home so much lately, you're like, wait, wait, wait,
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: where are you going. I can put on my shoes
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: to go to the grocery store and everybody I start
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: putting on clothes and everybody's like, wait, wait where you're going.
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: I'm like, guys, you gotta get used to daddy getting back.
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: On the road. I know I've been at home a
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: lot lately, but you know, this is this is the life.
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: But it's that balance. I have a lot of female clients,
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: and a lot of them talk about mommy guilt.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: I've heard them talk about my I'm guilt for years.
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: But the fellas that I've ever worked with, they've never
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: talked about because the sacrifice is from home, so I
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: never had anybody to really talk about it with.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: A lot of brothers don't go that deep. Yeah, you
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: know what I mean. A lot of brothers don't go
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: that deep. I've missed a lot with my nieces and nephews.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: One of my nieces recently turned sixteen and my mom's
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: birthday is this Sunday, And so for me, I got
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: to hop on them cruise you know what I mean
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: to go speak because I'm saying Mom, you know, it's
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: how I not only take care of myself, but it's
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: also how I have to build for the future because
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: what you and I are doing right now, as much
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: as we are in today, much of our thoughts are
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: in tomorrow. Yeah, because we're not forty.
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: This is true.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I think about what does Jay? What
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: is Jay doing at fifty? Am I an adjunct professor?
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: Am I utilizing my book create systems?
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: I can't be fifty rolling and rolling back. I tell
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: my teaments all the time, and they're like, what do
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: you mean, Like, you know, there's a lot of fifty
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: year olds in the market who are killing And I'm like, well,
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: that's not necessarily what I want to do. I don't
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: want to be fifty years old rolling and rolling back
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: around and running behind clients every single day. Now, there's
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: a way for me to do it, Like obviously, I'll
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: build an agency, and I have other stylis and other
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: people that are around me to do those things and
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: mentor people. But it has to be some sort of
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: level of legacy being built along the way so that
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: you can open up doors for other people, open the
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: doors for my children have other opportunities as well.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: So I understand exactly what you mean by that.
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: I don't want to be fifty years old, no, But
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: I'm also I was just telling you man that I'm
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: in the season now where I'm learning to just focus
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: on Manna from day to day and now I think
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: about tomorrow.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: But it's very hard, but very hard, like I'll.
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: Do good for like four or five days and then
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: that's six day of kick in.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: But it's also what I feed myself.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: Yes, if I'm on social media, I'm looking at everything
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: that's popping. I'm looking at all my peers and everything
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: that's going on in their world, and I'm like, that's
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: when I start feeling insecure. That's when I start feeling like, Okay,
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: what's going on, Whire's nobody calling, So that's when my
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: brain starts to run. So even you know this conversation
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: is teaching me right now, maybe back away from what
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: you're feeding yourself in those moments too, will help to not.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: And I would give you this, this is something I
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: do so you know, this podcast is not a year old,
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: and I've watched other podcasts, you know, they do numbers
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: and all those different things. And so when we were
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: talking about, you know, the podcast being nominated, when they've
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: reached out to us about because when they've said, hey,
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: we're considering Doctor J for this numberation, yeah, they spoke
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: to my team, I was like, for what. And I'm
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: thinking because again, I like, we've seen increase. You know,
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: we're new on the Black Effect, and I know the
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: depth and I know that the transformative conversation that we're having,
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: and I know what I can do in this space.
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: But I'm also thinking about, well, it's not doing these
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: type of numbers. They said to They said, Doctor J.
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: It's not about the numbers. It's about the impact.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: That's it.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: So I'll say this to you, is the next time
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: you compare, I don't want you to think about what
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: you may be missing out. I want you to think
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: about what you have on the inside that makes impact.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Because you, my brother, you can't be replaced. You're gonna
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: be etched in history as a black man who was
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: not only this creative and not only style, but you
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: sort of engineered this space. Brother, for men and women
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: in such a weight. Man, and You've done it in
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: your own way. One of my favorite songs I think
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: it's Frank Sinatra, I did it my way, mistake, you
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: did it your weight man and bro. That is what
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: has helped me because I also had to learn you
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: eat with your ears.
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: Wow, you eat with your ears.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: You don't eat with your mouth. You eat what you eat.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: And that's why a lot of things that I console,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: I can't hear what other people are saying and what
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: they're thinking the movement because what I'm hearing only feeds
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: what I need and feeds what I need to give
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: to people. Because if I'm looking at where this is
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: and God said to me, your implac has such an
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: influence because of the internal work that you've done and
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: what you're doing now with sharing your journey vulnerably the
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: impact that you getting ready to have beyond styling, because see,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: now this is where ministry really starts.
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: Well, it's crazy. Is that? It's crazy?
• 40:43
  Speaker 3: You say that because in the midst of my sitting
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: now I'm getting more engagement on social media and conversation
• 40:53
  Speaker 3: and what my transmission looks like.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: Before they even talk about my mid style of my
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: clients anymore.
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: I'm known for styling, So my expectation is that whatever
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: I style is, whatever the hooray comes from, it's where
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: the congratulations come from, you know what I mean, where
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: I get all my accolades from. And now I want
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: to see people they're like, oh, no, no, no, you you.
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: I want to know the man. Yeah, because it's not
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: what the man can do, it's what the man has overcome.
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: Now we get to see the story. Now we get
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: to hear about the journey. We see the stage, but
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: it's who you had to become offstage, you know what
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: I mean, That's where the power lies. And my last question, brother,
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: because I know we have to get you out of here.
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: We can go on because you're like this, this thing
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: is so nourishing to me, healing. You've been on this
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: journey and you're on this journey now, this journey of
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: as I like to call it, the present moment, because
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: it's the only thing that's real. What does healing mean
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: to j Bowie rest transformation.
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: I think about the story of a Good Samaritan in
• 42:13
  Speaker 3: the Bible where they're talking about where you know, the
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: guy was on the side of the road and he
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: got jumped and he's sitting out there in the wilderness.
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: And he's on the ground.
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: He's laid on the ground, and the guy's bruised up,
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: you know, wounds everywhere, and I mean the guys just
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: wounded all over his body. And well, the first person
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: came by, looked at him and was like like, we're
• 42:35
  Speaker 3: not I'm not gonna touch him or whatever. You know
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: what I mean, because you touch him out, he was
• 42:38
  Speaker 3: wounded like that. It's unclean. Your blood makes me unclean.
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: So the second person came by, he didn't touch the man.
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: He was like, ah, nah, I'm not gonna touch the
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: man or whatever. The third man came by. The Samaritan
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: came by, and he helped the man out, but before
• 42:54
  Speaker 3: he actually could get to the man's healing, he cleans
• 42:57
  Speaker 3: the man's wounds.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: And so what I'm learning now is that the healing,
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: you can't be healed without cleaning. And so the cleaning
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: is not necessarily that you're becoming God, but is that
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: I'm becoming I'm starting a journey with God, and we're
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: partnering together on this journey of me becoming more and
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: more clean. You know, from day to day and it's
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: not necessarily the clean doesn't mean that it just you know,
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: I forget it and it goes away.
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: But it allows me to control my past and not
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: my past controlling me.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: Yes, you know, brother, when I tell you that, that's
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: beautiful man, because it's what God seeks to do for
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: all of us. And what I love about what you
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: share is that you and God are basically just coregulating.
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: That's it. I try to wake up do now.
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: I try to just I wake up, and my brain
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: obviously goes to what social media, what email is coming through?
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: Like my brain just automatically goes there in the morning time.
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: But now I am practicing, like going to the word,
• 44:09
  Speaker 3: like what's my devotion for today? What does God say
• 44:12
  Speaker 3: for today? What does God say about me for today?
• 44:14
  Speaker 3: Because you know, the morning time is probably quietest and
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: it's our quietest time, and it's almost vulnerable time. So
• 44:20
  Speaker 3: it's now where you're dressed up, it's now where you're
• 44:22
  Speaker 3: at your best.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: It's when you go to the mirror and you start
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: to turn sideways.
• 44:27
  Speaker 3: You're looking at yourself and you're trying to figure out like, okay, cool,
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: I've gained weight here, maybe I've come too old, you
• 44:33
  Speaker 3: start thinking all these different negative things about yourself, sometimes
• 44:36
  Speaker 3: in the morning time, and so now I'm trying to
• 44:38
  Speaker 3: take advantage of the morning time to hear what God
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: says about me and to hear how I can better
• 44:43
  Speaker 3: myself and what my relationship should be like with God.
• 44:46
  Speaker 3: I thought my relationship with God was just about the flow.
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: Were going to church, be hearing the word and me
• 44:52
  Speaker 3: and applying me applying the word here and there. You
• 44:55
  Speaker 3: know what I mean, I'll make mistakes. That was just
• 44:57
  Speaker 3: kind of what I felt the relationship was. But the
• 44:59
  Speaker 3: relationship is an interim relationship.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: There's no way for me to heal.
• 45:03
  Speaker 3: There's no way for me to be clean if I'm
• 45:05
  Speaker 3: not even open and vulnerable with God. He knows my wounds,
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: he knows them, but it's about me being open and
• 45:11
  Speaker 3: vulnerable with Him to say I acknowledge that this is
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: a womb, and I also acknowledge that I need your
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: help because there's no way for me to cleanse.
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: This without you. Sometimes we go to Him and we
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: think I.
• 45:23
  Speaker 3: Need you to do all the work God, and you know,
• 45:26
  Speaker 3: I'll make my mistakes along the way, and You'll just
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: keep cleaning them up because you know people say he'll
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: cleanse you white and snow. It's like, yeah, he will
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: cleanse you white as snow. But it's gonna it's up
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: to us from to do the work from day today today,
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: with God, with him, not without him.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: I've done it without him. I've screwed up so much, Bro,
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: I've screwed up so much. I've done life.
• 45:50
  Speaker 3: I've done a lot of life without God, and I'm
• 45:52
  Speaker 3: trying to figure out how they even survive. My character
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: has done a lot of Jesus and didn't realize you
• 46:00
  Speaker 3: really did not have an authentic relationship with God.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: You new church, you k new religion, you new tradition.
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: I never really tapped into who Jesus was, So there's
• 46:10
  Speaker 3: definitely no way I could tap into who Jason was.
• 46:13
  Speaker 3: So now I've learned to tap into who Jesus is.
• 46:16
  Speaker 3: I'm learning more about him. I just gave you a
• 46:18
  Speaker 3: Bible story for God's sake. I would never do that anywhere, Bro.
• 46:23
  Speaker 3: A Bible story is coming from me. Absolutely not. I'm
• 46:25
  Speaker 3: the guy who doesn't know how to comprehend. Remember the
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: one we had learning issues in school. So the fact
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: that I could even think, and that's in my soul
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: right now. So I'm learning how to learn differently and
• 46:36
  Speaker 3: then be able to appreciate me learning differently and appreciate
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: how God made me different, Dude, how he made you different?
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: A black man from Mississippi, a therapist, I hear healing
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: the world unheard of, bro, And you do it in
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: such a cool way.
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: You know you're in the gym. You show your life,
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: you show you your own fit ways.
• 46:58
  Speaker 3: You're not problematic, stay have people's way, you know what
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: I mean.
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: But then here you.
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: Are this guy who's who looks a man in his
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: eyes and say, you got this, brother, this is what
• 47:06
  Speaker 3: that was, but this is what this can be. This
• 47:09
  Speaker 3: is what that was. But this is what that can be,
• 47:12
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean. I never feel like you
• 47:13
  Speaker 3: keep a person right where they are. I feel like
• 47:16
  Speaker 3: your ear is always listening so that you can to
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: tell the person what they can actually.
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: Come out of that man. So yeah, kudos to you, man.
• 47:25
  Speaker 3: This is why this is why you guys are gonna
• 47:27
  Speaker 3: win this podcast of the year.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: Man.
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: I hope so, brother, man, brother, I appreciate your time.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: Thank you for that affirmation. Man, I receive it as
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: a fellow brother from Mississippi, man again. Brother, I'm proud
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: of you, and not just proud of your work that
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: you've done, I'm proud of who you're becoming. Yeah, appreciate it.
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: You know. Miles Munroe said something I never forget that
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: I heard when I was in my thirties. He said,
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: life is not about what you get. It's about who
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: are you becoming? Are you becoming more and moral of
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: what God wants you to be? And the brother Irish
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: just want to say thank you for sharing this space,
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: thank you for coming to this healing community. I know
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: this conversation is going to be transforming for the people
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: who follow you for the style and and for all
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: of the creative designs, for the layouts and all of
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: the different things that you present. But what I'm hoping
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: they take from this is a man who was able
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: to look within and start looking outwardly on saying how
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: can I become better? That I'm no longer dressing up
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: the issues. I'm going to take off the clothes and
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: I'm going to start cleansing the wounds. And so to
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: all of you out there listen, I want to encourage you,
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: as my brother j Bolin says, you have to partner
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: with God. You have to partner with the therapist, you
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: have to partner with the coach, you have to partner
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: with the counselor mentor. As you guys know, I believe
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: healing can take place in many different modalities, in many
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: different ways. There's other apparatus that you can use. Sometimes
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: it's not therapy for some people. Sometimes it's listening to
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: a message, you know what I'm saying. Sometimes it's coming
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: across j Bowling posts as he's sharing about his journey
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: of being on this hard thirty five. Whatever that journey
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: is for, you take it because I think you deserve
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: and I think you owe yourself an opportunity to see
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: who can you become on the other side of the trauma,
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: the experience, the event, or whatever the setback was. And
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: as my brother Jay shared, is that when you start
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: cleansing the womb, you start becoming more of who God
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: wants you to be. And that's my hope and desire
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: for you. And until next time, remember healing is a
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: journey and wholeness is the destination. Just here with Doctor
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: j a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts,
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows, and you
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: can follow me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: x and follow us on YouTube just Heel Doctor J.