Latest / Journal for Growth / Something Needs to Change… But I Don’t Know What | EP 01

Transcript

Something Needs to Change… But I Don’t Know What | EP 01 · Journal for Growth

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Journal for Growth.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today, let's talk about what to do when your life just doesn't feel quite right.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'll share my experience and some questions you can explore in your own writing to help you figure out what's going on.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had a vision of what I wanted my life to look like.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted it, but I didn't really believe I could make it happen.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So there was the life I pictured, and then there was the life I was actually living.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: The gap between them felt huge, and I wasn't taking any steps to close it.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I never stopped wanting that life.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I just kept living the one I had.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had a picture of the life you wanted, but felt like it was too far away to reach?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you know that feeling.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can picture something different, but you don't know where to begin or how you would ever get there.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you go about your days.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: You do what needs to be done.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But every so often, you feel that distance between where you are and where you want to be.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I felt as though my life was passing me by.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was carrying around something I wanted, along with the belief that I couldn't have it.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't moving toward it, but I couldn't seem to let it go either.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that feeling started showing up in how I was living.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: When I felt that distance, I didn't usually stop and ask myself what was going on.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I started slipping away from the things I knew were good for me.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I cared less about my health, what my house looked like, what I looked like.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had no energy.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't care.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I felt apathetic and unmotivated, even about things that mattered to me.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't happen overnight.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a slow decline.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Putting things off and letting things slide.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: One small choice after another.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, I could look at how I'd been living and see that I was pulling away from myself and from the world.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it looks different for you.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's something you usually enjoy that you keep putting off.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You stop calling people back.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have a little time to yourself, but nothing sounds good.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or you get through the day and realize you've barely done anything you actually wanted to do.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: What do you say to yourself when you notice that?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm such a failure.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Stop being so lazy.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so unmotivated.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to see the things you've stopped doing and decide you need to push yourself harder.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you also asked yourself, what's been going on with me lately?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: When did I start feeling this way?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Those changes in your habits might give you somewhere to look.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You may notice them before you understand what's going on.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I could see it in what I stopped doing.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I could also see it in what I started doing more of.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what did I start doing more of?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Reaching for things that kept me from having to think too much.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'd scroll or play games on my phone, watch TV.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'd find something, anything, that held my attention for a while.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean by putting the blinders on.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I knew something didn't feel right, but I didn't want to look at it yet.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do that too.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You pick up your phone for a few minutes and suddenly an hour is gone.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: While you're occupied, you don't have to sit with whatever's been bothering you.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I think I avoided asking questions because I was afraid of what I might admit.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: What if I acknowledged how much I wanted my life to be different?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Would I have to do something about it right away?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I put the phone down or turned the TV off, the feeling was still there.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: The thoughts got louder.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: The feelings I'd been stuffing down started bubbling up again.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I could distract myself for a while, but I could only numb myself for so long.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, it built to a point where I couldn't ignore it anymore.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to know what was going on with me.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's when I got my journal out.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Usually, when I feel this way, the question I end up asking myself is, what's wrong with me?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: That may sound harsh, but it's the question in my head.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've let things build for so long that I can't keep pretending I'm fine.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need to get honest about what's going on.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I write the question down and let myself answer it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't try to make the answer sound good.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't stop to decide whether a thought is fair or whether I should feel that way.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I just let it come out.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And a whole bunch of crap comes out of my heart and my head onto the paper.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: How I feel about everything the good, the bad, and all the ugly.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Things I haven't allowed myself to think about, much less say.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to start with my question.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Start with whatever words are there for you.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you write, I'm tired of everything.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what are you tired of?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's having the same day over and over.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're tired of putting yourself last.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're tired of wanting something and talking yourself out of it.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Write that.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Then see what comes next.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's been happening in your life that brings up that feeling?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do you wish were different?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something you've been wanting to say or do?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let one sentence lead you into the next.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if all you've got is, I don't know, write that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Then maybe ask, what's been bothering me lately?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Think about an actual moment, something that irritated you, hurt you, or left you feeling off.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can start there.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one else you have to explain this to.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can contradict yourself.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can write that you love something and that you're tired of it on the same page.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can admit to wanting something before you know whether you'll ever do anything about it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: For me, that's where the relief comes in.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm finally letting myself feel everything I've been holding in.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I may still have things to figure out afterward, but at least I've given them somewhere to go.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: As I keep writing, I get into things I haven't allowed myself to look at very closely.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I write about where my life seems to be going and how far that is from the life I've always wanted.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I write about feeling as though my life is passing me by, that I'm wasting time.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I write about what I want and about the fears that have kept me from doing anything about it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: For me, that meant writing about my desire to start journal for growth.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to do it, but I didn't know what starting a company would even look like or where to begin.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really believe I could accomplish it.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to let myself look at all of it.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done that?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Admitted you wanted something, then immediately started listing all the reasons you couldn't have it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do this, but and then out comes the list.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let the list come out too.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: What are you afraid of?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think will happen if you try?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You might find some real things you need to work through.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Time, money, something you need to learn.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Those things deserve attention.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You might also find predictions.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fail.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: People will think I'm ridiculous.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put all this effort into it, and nothing will come of it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: When you go back and read what you wrote, you can ask, what do I actually know here?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid might happen?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something I could learn or try that would help me find out?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there may be more than fear in there.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: For me, there's anger, uncertainty, confusion, guilt.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some of it is hard to look at.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: But when I let my mind and my heart connect and speak, the truth about what's been bothering me starts coming to the surface.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I can see what I want.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can see what scares me.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I can see what I've been avoiding by keeping myself distracted.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I finished writing about starting this company, I knew I needed to make a change.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The desire was still there.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So were the fears.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to face what continuing to put it off would mean for my life.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Once I had all of that on the page, I had to look at where I was headed.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I already felt stagnant.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had this vision of what I wanted, but I wasn't taking any steps toward it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: We can spend so much time wondering what might happen if we try something that we don't ask what might happen if we never try.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: If I kept living the way I was living, would I still be sitting here wanting the same thing, telling myself the same reasons I couldn't have it five, 10, or 20 years from now?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: That was uncomfortable to face.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: A life can be hard to live and still feel easier to stay in because it's familiar.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to get through it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've been doing it.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Starting something new brings questions you don't have answers to yet.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to give the other possibility some room too.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: What might happen if I faced my fears and took the next step?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next one?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't know how it would turn out.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I could give myself a chance.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever looked at your life that way?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may have thought a lot about what changing could cost you.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: What is continuing in the same direction costing you?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: What do you keep putting on hold?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: For me, those questions brought me back to the company I wanted to start.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing the direction I wanted to move didn't mean I knew how to begin.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't try to figure out every detail right then.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I just emptied a lot onto the page.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to step away and give myself time to think about it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes an idea is already there in what I wrote.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I may notice it while I'm writing, or I may see it when I go back and read through the pages.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Other times, I just sit with what came out.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: When I give my mind a break for a couple of days, I'm still carrying the question.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Ideas often come to me as I go through my day.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: You could try leaving yourself one question at the bottom of the page before you close your journal.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: What could I try first?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would I need to find out?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Who could I talk to?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Then leave that question open for a little while.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: If an idea comes to you later, jot it down.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you return to what you wrote, see whether anything stands out differently.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Your experience may be different from mine.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: You might finish writing with a clearer question before you have an answer.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: You might realize, I keep coming back to this one thing, but I don't understand why yet.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: That gives you something to explore.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can come back to it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: When it came to starting journal for growth, I needed time to work through the logistics.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: But once I'd admitted what I wanted, I could begin asking questions about how to move toward it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So what can you do right now?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I let that not quite right feeling go on until I hit a breaking point.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're noticing it earlier than I did.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've started pulling away from things that usually help you feel good.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're keeping yourself occupied because you don't want to think about something.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe there's a thought that keeps coming back and you keep telling yourself you'll deal with it later.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You could start there.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: What do I know I need to do but have been putting off or ignoring?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself a moment with that.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything that comes to mind?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or ask, what is keeping me stuck?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's something practical you need help with.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're afraid.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you haven't allowed yourself to admit what you want.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: See what comes out when you ask.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's this one.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Am I really living my chosen life?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or have I kept going with the life that feels familiar?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Some parts of our lives are shaped by circumstances we didn't choose.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: We can still ask where we have room to make a choice now.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to answer all these questions.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Pick the one that makes you stop for a second, the one you feel you have something to say about.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: For me, after I'd let everything build for so long, the question was, what's wrong with me?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: If that's the honest question in your head, you can start there too.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Write the first sentence, then see where it takes you.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know what you want yet, but you just know you don't want to keep feeling the way you feel, start by noticing when that feeling shows up and asking what you wish were different in that moment.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to put the messy answer on the page, the angry answer, the scared answer, the thing you want, but don't think you can have.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I started hearing myself.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the next step for you is simply to sit down, ask the question, and let yourself answer.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: What have you been trying to tell yourself?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like you could use more help with this, I've put together a free companion booklet for this episode.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: It has the questions we've talked about, space to write, and a place to come back to what you notice afterward.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are two versions print and write, if you like putting pen to paper, and type your answers, if you prefer to write digitally.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find both in the episode show notes.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Pick a question that speaks to you and see what comes out.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've really enjoyed our time together today, and I will see you again soon.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.