Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Texas Vs. California | Ralph Barbosa | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Texas Vs. California | Ralph Barbosa | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Thai man.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually uh I'm visiting.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is this is the first time I really got to hang out in Cali and I love it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: The weed is amazing.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: You guys you guys did to weed uh what white people did to hip hop you gentrified it and you got rich off of it and I love it.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm really liking it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Weed is so like legit here, like it's like officially legit.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I bought it and the package even had a warning label on it.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: It says, use with extreme caution.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dude, I'm from a state where people still go to jail for weed.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I've been using with extreme caution.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I came here to not use caution.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool, man.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I really I'm really enjoying it.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My buddy was telling me though, he's like, yeah, a lot of people still don't buy from dispensaries, they'd rather go to a dealer because dispensaries tax so much.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there's actually been an increase in drug dealers' profits, you know, which proves like the only thing us Americans hate more than drug dealers is paying taxes.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: At least we know where the dollar's going, right?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Mexico.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: But it's cool, man.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Texas has not legalized weed.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we've been asking them to, and they just gave us more guns.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: We legalized open carry.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: We were like, we just want to carry weed.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, how about carry a bazooka?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't want to.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no license needed.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's a we don't need a license.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: We just carry guns out in the open.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I like California style better.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You guys were like, let's make it easier for people to smoke weed.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And Texas was like, nah, let's make it easier for people to smoke other people.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I actually, uh, a while back, I had two friends go to prison for selling drugs.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And uh don't worry, the story gets better.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not for them, they're in prison, but for me, I got material out of it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: When drug dealers call you from prison, they always ask the same question.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're always like, who would have thought I go from driving the bins to sleeping in a cell?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we asked you to stop.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: They asked me not to talk about this stuff on stage, but the way I see it, for the next five to seven, I can say what I want.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: When they were dealing like small time drugs like weed and stuff, we didn't really care.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when they started moving to heavier things, we sat down, one of our friends, and we had like a real serious talk.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey man, don't go down this route.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because uh nobody wants to see you get you know locked up or killed.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then he started taking us out to eat to really nice restaurants, and we were all just like heroin is not that bad.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, but they went that route, which was crazy.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: One of my buddies, uh, I think the only one left, I guess, he straight he stayed on the straight and arrow.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: He uh he has a job at Target, and he loves his job at Target so much that sometimes I wish he would have just gotten involved with drugs instead.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't like when I leave things laying around the store.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like he'll find a shirt and he'll bring it to me, like if his friend died in it or something.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, hey man, did you do this?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, no, man, I don't think you get it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You see, people like you who leave stuff laying around the store are the reason that people like me have to spend hours restocking all these items.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I said, hey man, I don't think you get it.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think people like me are the reason people like you have a job.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: You work for me now.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm very close with my friends, especially because uh I was an only child.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was an only child for a while until I found out that I have half siblings, which that got me excited.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Finding out you have half siblings out there is like finding out that they made sequels to your favorite movie.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you first hear about these sequels, you want to see these never-before-seen sequels.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But then you meet the sequels and you're like, they should have just stopped after that last one.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, the first one is the best.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is But I was I was an only child for a long time, which I feel made me into a social weirdo.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't really like going out.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: My friends will force me to go out to like bars and parties, and on the way to a party, they always say the same thing.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They always be like, You excited?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, get excited.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Never once has it worked on me.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, never once have I been like, Alright, here I go.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like when they say that.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, get excited.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's like handing somebody a drink and being like, Come on, drink it.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, dude, the more you force this, the less I want to party with you.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I will, I'll go to parties, but I'm trying so hard to like be social, but I think people know I'm forcing it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm an undercover cop at parties.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just walk around talking to myself.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Be like, play a cool Ralph.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: They think you're one of them.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then somebody will walk up and be like, hey, you know where the restroom's at?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be like, I don't, I didn't want to be here.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Walk to my car like you blew it, you blew it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not very uh not very big on the whole social media thing either.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I like people don't do strange things on there often, but sometimes they get a little too social, and I'm like, I'm out.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I pull the plug on Instagram, and it'll be normal stuff, it'll just get a little too weird to me.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like this guy messaged me, he was like, hey man, I saw you posted a picture eating pizza, and I wanted to ask you where'd you get that pizza at?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't say anything right away, so he sent a follow-up message.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, hey man, I hope you're not planning on ignoring me.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I wasn't, but now that you said the creepiest message ever, I'm deleting my Instagram.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people just get straight weird.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like one guy sent me a message on Instagram and I never opened it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So then he sent me the exact same message again on Facebook.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's like if you hit on a girl, she rejected you, and then you went home and changed your shirt and hit on her again.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage is weird in two different colors.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I see a lot of girls post their Cash App on Instagram.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they won't even post naked, they'll just post their Cash App, like, hey, in case anybody wants to send money.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Which I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's just this one girl that I didn't like.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: She posted her Cash App, and then under it it said, don't be one of those lame guys who only sends like four dollars.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know her, but that made me so mad I sent her a message.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, hey, I'm gonna need my four dollars back.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends made$800 in one day through Instagram.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she doesn't post naked or anything.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I like I'm proud of her for making that money, but I don't know why I'm proud exactly.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: She says one guy sends her$400 anytime she has an hour to kill just to talk to him about his troubles.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Which, like, good for her.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's like most people have to spend six, eight years in college to become licensed therapists.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: She skipped it.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Her her license is like a cute selfie and her cash tag under it.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's her therapy license.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's the equivalent of like going straight to the MBA right out of high school.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's why, like, don't get me wrong, I definitely do believe men, women equals.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't think we're equal all the time.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I had to bet money on a Dunkin' contest, well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna put my money on men.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but if I had to bet money on like a post your Cash App and see who sends you the most money content, I've already given the women my last four dollars.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm Ralph Barbosa, thank you guys so much.