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Are You the Avoidant? The Five Signs You Keep Explaining Away · Are You An Avoidant?

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, so he told me he, quote, needs space, unquote.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: And I looked around his studio apartment, which is, and
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: I'm being generous here, roughly the size of this podcast.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: And I said, Bestie, you have space. You have nothing
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: but space. What you do not have is emotional availability.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And that is the most avoidant sentence ever recorded, by
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: the way. Needs space, unquote. From what? From a girl
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: who brings soup?
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: From a girl who brings soup and remembers his coffee order. Anyway, hi!
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Are You an Avoidant? The show where we
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: find out, together, whether the problem is him or, plot twist, you.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I am Sasha. I read attachment research for fun, which
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: tells you everything about my childhood.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: And I am Chloe, reformed avoidant for Situationship Sober. I
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: used to ghost people for texting good morning twice, so
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: everything I say today comes from lived experience and mild shame.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Hello, my loves. Welcome back. Or welcome for the first
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: time if the algorithm finally did something right for you today.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: If you are new here, here is the deal. I
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: am Chloe. This is Sasha. Every week, we take one
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: avoidant behavior, we roast it, we explain the psychology underneath it,
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: and then Sasha gives you the exact words to say
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: about it. It is like therapy if therapy had ad
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: breaks and better outfits.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: To our day one besties already, here thank you for
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: putting us in your rotation. We see the comments, we
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: read every single one, and Chloe cried at three of them.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: They said my laugh sounds like wind chimes in a
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: hurricane and I've never felt more seen. And quick note,
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: this episode is perfect background company while you do your skincare,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: fold laundry, romanticize your commute, whatever.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Just keep us playing.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: Before we get into it, do the thing, okay? Follow
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: the show, share it with one friend who is, quote,
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: just really busy lately, unquote. You know exactly who she is. Uh....
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: She knows who she is, too. She is listening right
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: now going, this is literally about me.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Hi, girl. Stay. This episode is an intervention with jokes.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: So, story time. Names changed. Obviously, there was a girl.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Let us call her Mina. Mina meets a guy... Let
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: us call him, um, mm.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Let's call him Red-Flyed Ryan. No, too on the nose.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: Let us call him Mark. All Marks are innocent till proven.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Situation shippy.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Fine.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Mark.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Samina meets Mark at a friend's birthday dinner. And Mark
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: is perfect on paper. Funny, employed. Asks follow-up questions. Which,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: in this economy, is basically a marriage proposal.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: The bars is on the floor and Mark brought a shovel. Continued.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: First month is a dream. Good morning texts. Playlists. He
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: remembers her sister's name. Then, around week five, the temperature changes.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Replies get shorter. Plans get vaguer. Quote, crazy week, unquote. Quote,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: so slammed at work, unquote, quote. Let us play it
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: by ear, unquote.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Play it by ear is the national anthem of the
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: avoided man. There should be a flag.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Mina does what so many of us do. She tries harder.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: She gets chiller. She sends a meme instead of asking,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: where is this going? She becomes, and I say this
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: with love, the cool girl. Low maintenance.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: No needs.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Just vibe.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: And the chiller she gets, the further he drifts, which
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: makes no sense until you understand the pattern, and then
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: it makes perfect sense, which is the worst part.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: We Kate. Mina finally asks, very gently, quote, hey, what
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: are we doing here, unquote. And Mark says the sentence,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: the one sentence, Chloe, do you want to say it
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: with me?
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: I am just not in a place for something serious
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: right now.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I am just not in a place for something serious
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: right now.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Place? What place? You live in a studio in Mandalay
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: with one plant and it is fake. What place are
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: you not in?
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: And here is the kicker Mina told us two months later.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: Mark has a girlfriend? Labeled Instagram official Sunday family lunch girlfriend.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: So he was in a place, just not a place
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: with Mina. And Bestie, if you've ever been Mina, first
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: of all, I am sorry. Second of all, this episode
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: will explain exactly what happened to you. Because it was
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: not random. It was a pattern with a name and footnotes.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, the breakdown. We are giving you the five signs today.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Five.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Count them. If you recognize three or more in yourself
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: or your situationship, congratulations. You found the show made exactly
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: for you.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Sign one. The fade after closeness. Everything is amazing. You
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: have the best weekend of your life. Deep talks. Maybe
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: you meet a friend and then nothing. Twelve hours of silence. 24.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: The good times literally trigger the disappearing.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Psychologists call these deactivating strategies. The avoidant nervous system treats
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: closeness like a threat. Intimacy goes up. So the brain
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: pulls the emergency brake. Distance restores the feeling of safety.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: Which is wild because from the outside it looks like punishment.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: You think, what did I do? Girl, you had a
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: nice time. That is what you did. The crime was
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: enjoying brunch.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: And I want to say this gently. If you are
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: the one who goes quiet after a perfect weekend, that
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: is not you being, quote, low maintenance, unquote. That is
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: a pattern. And patterns can change, which is literally why
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: this show exists.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I used to do this so bad. Best date of
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: my life. And then I would stare at his, quote,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: had so much fun, unquote, text for six hours like
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: it was a court summons. Growth is realizing the text
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: was just a text. And two, the future is always blurry.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Ask an avoidant about next month and watch a grown
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: adult turn into weather. Quote, let us see. Quote, we
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: will figure it out. Quote, why label things?
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Labels ruin things is my favorite one. No, bestie, lack
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: of clarity ruins things. Labels just tell everyone what restaurant
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: they are in.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Exactly. Commitment is not the wedding tomorrow. Commitment is, quote,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: are we exclusive, unquote, getting an actual answer. Avoidance dodged
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: the small commitments first. The trip next month, meeting friends,
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: leaving a toothbrush.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: The research word for this is discomfort with dependence. Theirs
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: and yours. If nobody depends on anyone, nobody can disappoint anyone.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: It feels safe. It is also incredibly lonely. But the
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: avoidant will realize that at two in the morning, alone,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: and then fall asleep instead of texting anyone about it.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Accuracy is violence. Sasha, you cannot just describe my entire
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: 2023 like that.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: Slide three. The ick list that never ends. Suddenly, the
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: way he chews bothers you. The way she laughs. The
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: font of his texts. Everything becomes evidence.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, the ick is my Roman Empire. Let me tell
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: you about the ick. The ick is not intuition, besties.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it is. But when you get the ick every
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: single time someone gets close to you, that is not discernment.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: That is a defense mechanism wearing a trench coat.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: This one has a mechanism, and it is fascinating. When
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: closeness triggers discomfort, the brain recruits flaws to justify distance.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: It is easier to leave over, quote, he claps when
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: the plane lands, unquote, than to say, quote, intimacy terrifies me, unquote.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: Cops when the plane lands is honestly kind of valid, though.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Chloe, focus.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Fine. But if you have ick dumped four people in
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: a row for crams like breathing audibly, the common denominator
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: might be your attachment style. I say this with love
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: and with a list of my own that I will
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: be taking to my grave. Sign four, hyper-independence as a personality. Quote,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: I do not need anyone. Quote, I have been through
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: worse alone. Quote, asking for help gives me the ick.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: This is the one people brag about. And listen, being
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: capable is great, but there is a difference between I
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: can handle it and I would rather suffer in silence
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: for six weeks than let someone I love carry one
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: grocery bag.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Go roostery bag test. If someone offering to help you
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: feels annoying instead of sweet, write that down. That is data.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: The root here is old. If the people who raised
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: you were not there when you needed them, your brain
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: learned early that needing people equals getting hurt. So you
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: built a whole identity around not needing. It worked when
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you were small. It is costing you now.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: And nobody's saying be helpless. We are saying the strongest
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: thing a report of what it learns is, quote, actually, yes,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: I would love help with this heavy thing. Thank you
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: for offering. Wow, that was easy.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Side five. The comeback. The orbit. The, quote, hey, stranger, unquote.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Exit 1147 at night. Three months later, like nothing happened. Hey, stranger.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: Hey, stranger.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Is crazy.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Stranger? Stranger. We shared location for six weeks, Daniel.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Avoidance often return once distance has restored their comfort. Missing
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: you is safe when you cannot actually reach them. So safe.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: They check in, feel the warmth, and then, very often,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: vanish again. The moment closeness rebuilds.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: It is a loop, not a love story. Come close, panic, leave, miss, return, repeat.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: And every loop teaches the other person to accept less.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Mina from our story, she told us she started apologizing
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: for having quote, too many feelings, unquote, feelings. In a situationship.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: The audacity of her having a normal human brain.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: So those are the five. Fade after closeness. Blurry future.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: The endless ick list. Hyper independence. The comeback loop. Count
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: your score. No judgment. Or fine, light judgment. This is
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: a comedy podcast.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: I scored five out of five in my villain era.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: Sasha scored what? One?
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: One and a half. The half is the ick about
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: clapping on planes, which I stand by as a society.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Okay, besties, story time is over, science time is here. Sasha,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: hit us with the receipts, and make it fun, because
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: half our listeners skipped every psychology class ever.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I will make it so fun. Receipt 1, 1990. A
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: researcher named Simpson studied 144 dating couples... and found that
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: avoidant people feel fewer positive emotions and more negative emotions
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: in their relationships. Not because their partners are worse, because
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: avoidance literally filters out the good stuff.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: So you are telling me avoidants are walking around with
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: a bad Instagram filter on their own relationship? The Valencia
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: filter of attachment.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: That is exactly what I am telling you. Receipt 2.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: A 2020 study found that avoidant people default to withdrawal
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: when there is conflict. Not fighting. Not fixing. Leaving the chat.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Emotionally and sometimes literally.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: Leaving the chat is crazy because the chat is just
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: two people on a couch. Where are you going? The bathroom.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: For 45 minutes.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: And receipt three. Research on unpartnered adults found that people
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable with closeness are more likely to stay single and
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: to have unstable relationships when they do couple up. The
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: pattern protects you from hurt and also from, you.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Know, love. The trade nobody signed up for consciously. Okay,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: so quick sidebar. Because people always ask us, is this
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant? What is the difference? Am
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: I the scary one?
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Great question. Short version. Dismissive avoidants genuinely believe they do
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: not need closeness. Cool, calm, independent, unbothered, allegedly. Fearful avoidance,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: also called disorganized, desperately want closeness and are terrified of
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: it at the same time. Hot and cold, push and pull,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: come here, go away, wait, come back.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Dismissive is a locked door. Fearful is a revolving door
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: with the safety off.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: That is disturbingly accurate. And the roots differ too. Dismissive
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: usually comes from caregivers who were consistently unavailable, so the
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: kid concluded nobody is coming. Fearful usually comes from caregiving
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: that was inconsistent or scary, comfort and fear from the
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: same person. So the kid never learned which way safety lies.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: Heavy for a comedy podcast, but we said research-backed and
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: we meant it. Quick note, we are not therapists. This
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: is patterns, not diagnoses. If any of this cracked something open,
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: a real professional is the move. We love therapy on
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: this show. Therapy is hot.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Therapy is so hot. Okay, scripts next. The part where
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: we tell you exactly what to say.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Scripts that work. Real sentences. For real situations. Sasha, give
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: them the goods.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Situation one. You like someone and you feel yourself about
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: to go quiet for no reason. Say this. Out loud
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: or over text. Quote, hey, I really like where this
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: is going and I notice I pull back when things
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: get good. It is not about you. Can we keep
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: plans small and steady for a bit?
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: Small and steady. That is the whole game. Avoidance do
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: not need grand gestures. They need boring consistency. Tuesday dinner.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Every Tuesday. Revolutionary.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Situation two. You are dating an avoidant and you need clarity.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Do not hint. Do not test. Say this, quote, I
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: enjoy this and I need to know if we are
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: working toward the same thing. You do not have to
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: decide your whole life. Just tell me what this month
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: looks like.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: And then, and this is the hard part, believe the answer.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: If the answer is fog, the fog is the answer.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: Do not spend six months translating fog into promises. I
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: translated fog for a year once. I am basically fluent.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: It never becomes a yes.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Situation three. You are the avoidant and someone asked for
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: more and your whole body wants to run. Try this.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Instead of vanishing, quote, this scares me a little and
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I want to try anyway. I might be awkward about it.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: Vulnerability with trading wheels. Iconic, low stakes, high honesty.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Last one. Situation four. You need to leave. The pattern
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: is not changing. You have said your piece twice. Nothing moves.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Say this. Quote, I care about you, and this dynamic
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: is hurting me, so I am stepping back. I wish
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: you well.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Short, kind, final, no fourth conversation where you explain it
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: again slower. If they wanted to understand, the first two
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: explanations were in perfect English.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, it is time for my favorite segment already, and
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: it is episode one, listener mail. You wrote in, we
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: read everything. Names change to protect the guilty and the girlfriends.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: First of all, the volume of mail. We have been
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: a show for zero episodes and the inbox is already
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: a crime scene. Keep it coming, besties. Your Kmos is
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: our curriculum.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Letter one. Quote, Dear Chloe and Sasha, I have been
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: seeing this guy for two months and everything was perfect
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: until I asked him to be my plus one to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: my cousin's wedding, which is in four months. And he said, quote,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: let us not put pressure on a good thing, unquote.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Is that avoidant or am I crazy? Signed, plus one
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Lee Sinpasik.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: Plus one Lee Sinpasik, I am screaming. Okay, first, you
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: are not crazy. Second, four months notice for a wedding
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: is not pressure. Pressure is asking him to officiate this
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: in a plus one. This is literally the lowest stakes
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: wedding invitation in history.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: This is sign two and sign four. Having a baby. Blurry. Future.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: Plus.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Hyper. Independence. He heard, quote, wedding, unquote, and his nervous
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: system heard, quote, forever, unquote. Those are different words.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Mark.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: If your name is Mark, statistically it might be Mark.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Here's what I would do, and Sasha will give you
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: the healthy version after. I would say, quote, no problem.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: My cousin has a hot single groomsman.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: See?
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You never, unquote.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: And the healthy version is our situation two script. Quote,
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I enjoy this and I need to know if we
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: are working toward the same thing. A wedding in four
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: months is just information about my life. How you react
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: to information tells me everything.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Ugh, fine. Do Sasha's version first. Keep mine in your
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: back pocket like a fire exit.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Letter two. Quote, Hi besties, long time listener, first time writer.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: My boyfriend of one year is amazing, except he has
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: never once said he misses me first. I always say
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: it first. He says it back. He means it, I think.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: But why can he never go first? Am I overthinking? Signed,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: always first in Sepu.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, this one hurts because it is so quiet. It
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: is not a red flag. It is like a beige flag,
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: a flag the color of oatmeal.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: This is deactivation in its softest form. Saying I miss
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: you first is vulnerability. It hands someone a small piece
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: of power. An avoidant brain would rather feel the feeling
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: privately than risk saying it and not hearing it back instantly.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: I did this, full confession. I would feel so much
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: and say so little and then get mad that nobody
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: knew how I felt. Like everyone was supposed to be psychic. Babe,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: use your words. They are free.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: What I would tell always first. Tell him the pattern,
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: not the accusation. Quote, when I always go first, I
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: start feeling alone in this. Could you try going first sometimes?
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: Even over text? That is it. Then watch what he
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: does with a clear, kind, specific request. That tells you
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: more than a hundred overthinking nights.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: And if he hears that and goes, quote, you are overthinking, unquote, bestie,
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: that sentence is doing a lot of work. Dismissing your
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: feelings is the pattern. File it.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Letter three. And this one is from the other side,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: which I love. Quote, dear besties, I think I am
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: the avoidance. I really like this girl, but every time
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: she gets sweet, I feel trapped and pick a fight
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: about nothing. Last week, I started an argument about dumplings. Dumplings.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: How do I stop ruining this? Signed, Dumpling Criminal.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Dumpling Criminal is my favorite person alive. Sir, the self-awareness.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: You are already doing better than 90% of situationships. You
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: named it. Most avoidants just keep ordering dumplings angrily forever.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Okay, dumpling criminal. First, the fact that you see the
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: pattern means you can change the pattern. That is how
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: earned security starts. Second, here is your homework. Next time
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: you feel the trapped feeling, do not act for 10 minutes.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Just notice it. Quote, I feel trapped because she was sweet.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: That is my nervous system, not reality.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: And then text her something small and true. Quote, today
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: was really nice. That is it. Eight words. You do
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: not have to propose. You just have to let one
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: nice moment exist without setting it on fire.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Setting it on fire over dumplings?
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: None. The dumplings did nothing wrong. They were just steamed
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: and delicious and minding their business.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: We love you, dumpling criminal. Update us if you two
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: make it. We are officiating, quote, in spirit, unquote, because
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Chloe is absolutely not qualified.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: I'm qualified in vibes. Okay. Break time!
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Bestie verdict time. Chloe, give us the takeaway.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: The takeaway is this. Avoidance is not a personality. It
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: is a protection strategy you built when you needed it.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: Respect it, thank it, and then ask yourself if you
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: still need it running your love life at 24.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: And if you love an avoidant, you cannot love the
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: pattern out of them. You can be steady, be clear,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: hold your boundaries, and let them do their own work.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: You are a girlfriend. Not a renovation project.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: A renovation project with really good outfits, but still.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: Next week, we are doing a full situationship autopsy. The
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: good morning text ghost. A subscriber story that made Chloe
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: throw her phone. You do not want to miss it.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: I threw my phone onto a pillow for the record. Growth.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: If this episode found you, share it with one person.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Your situationship. Your best friend. Your situationship's best friend. Spread
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: the word. Like gossip.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: No, the show's so you never miss a Friday. Leave
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: us a review with your avoidance score out of five.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Mine was five. No further questions. And remember, this show
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: is perfect company for your hot girl walks, your everything showers,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: your staring at the ceiling wondering why he viewed your
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: story but did not reply.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Thank you for spending your time with us tonight, besties.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: We love you. Mean it. I am Sasha.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: I am Chloe. And we will see you next week,
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: unless you are avoidant, in which case you will see U.S.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: from a distance while pretending you are just busy.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Good night, avoidance. All five signs of you.