Latest / Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk / Trench Talk: U.S. Edition “ My Truth, My Service"

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Trench Talk: U.S. Edition “ My Truth, My Service" · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

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  This entire military is 1 cohesive dedicated force and the
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  threats to our nations, they don't sleep.
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  They're watching our every move. Iran, Russia, China, North
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  Korea, ISIS, Al Qaeda, they may be watching this right now.
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  Our military should not be mistaken for our cable news
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  gadfest show. We don't care what you look
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  like. We don't care who you voted for.
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  Who you worship, What you worship.
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  Who you love? It doesn't matter if your dad
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  left you millions when he died or.
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  If he knew who your. Father was we have been home
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  into a machine of legal moving parts that you would be wise to
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  avoid if you know what's good for you.
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  We will not be intimidated. We will not back down.
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  Opinions expressed in this program are those of the
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  speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions
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  of any entities they represent. Find us on the web at MB Radio
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  dot US. Well, here we are.
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  Good afternoon and welcome to another episode of Rondo Races
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  right here on NBR Radio. Let's see if you can go to the
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  website Indie Radio dot US and take out all the other contacts.
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  We talk shows of my brothers and sisters streaming right here on
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  this beautiful platform, giving veterans a voice and that is
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  something that we are going to discuss today.
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  I do not have a guest. So I felt it was time for me to
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  just, you know, share some things just one-on-one you and I
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  right here about some just some work I've been doing for myself.
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  And I really just believe it's, it's that time, right?
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  With with so much going on in the world, you know, all these
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  systems that are in place. And then where are we at inside
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  of all of this? And So what I'm not going to do
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  is I'm not going to speak for other veterans.
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  That's not how I operate. But I ask you that if you are a
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  veteran, one of my brothers and sisters in arms, that you use
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  this conversation to relate. If you are not a veteran, you're
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  still included in this conversation because I want you
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  to to hear for yourself in the relating this conversation, as I
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  shared many times that I was taught as a young soldier that
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  when it comes particular things in the world now that civilians
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  aren't going to understand you. And we're trained that.
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  We're taught that. We're talked to about that, that
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  civilians are not going to understand.
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  And I don't even, I don't even know when it clicked for me.
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  But I do know that that is something that I live from, that
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  I lived from that conversation. I mean, I lived from all of
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  those military conversations because that that was who I
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  became. So when you when you recognize
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  what you're living from, I think guess what that might be an
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  opportunity to discover what those things are.
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  So we're going to play a public service announcement and then
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  I'm going to get right into this conversation.
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  I'm not going to keep you too long.
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  We're here for an hour, maybe less, but I just going to share
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  my own story. And this is for, you know, I
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  said this show is is for my grandchildren, right?
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  So you are listening to me talk to my grandchildren as I'm
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  talking to you as you're listening because I want them to
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  have something to take away as their grandfather when they get
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  a little bit older. And if they happen to find this
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  or my daughter's share this episode with them and this stays
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  online, maybe I'll download it too and keep it that my my
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  grandchildren will have an opportunity to to see and hear
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  their grandfather talk about some things that are important
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  for not just my generation, but my grandfather's generation, my
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  dad's generation and their grandfather's generation.
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  So this is a very important because also, if you do decide
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  to be a guest on the front Dozy show, the trench Talk edition,
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  These are the kind of talks we're going to have.
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  We don't do superficial talks here on this topic.
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  You get to share your life before, during and after service
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  at whatever level you want. You may not go as deep as I'm
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  going to go, but I've had people over the last Wow.
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  I've been doing trench talk since 2013.
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  I've had some shows where people opened up to a lot of personal
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  things in their life and in their military career.
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  So I'm going to be that example today.
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  We're going to get this topic going again.
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  This is the Front Dozy show. This is the trench talk
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  condition and we're going to play this PSA and get right into
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  these topics because I don't want to miss anything and I can
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  share from my heart. I'm sharing from my own personal
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  experiences. I'm not speaking for veterans.
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  I'm not speaking for the military.
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  I'm speaking from how God has allowed me to find my peace in
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  His Word and in His life. This PSA is brought to you by
• 8:22
  Comigo for those veterans like myself who don't want to use
• 8:27
  drugs. I've been down that road, did
• 8:30
  not like it. Sometimes our breathing can
• 8:35
  help, right? So there are devices and there's
• 8:38
  things out there that you can control maybe your, your anxiety
• 8:43
  or your stress or whatever that you're dealing with.
• 8:46
  There are things out there that are holistic that are not
• 8:50
  medicated. And this is not, this is just a
• 8:53
  device that helps you control your breathing if you choose and
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  if you're again, a civilian or not in the military, hey,
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  anxiety, stress, that's a human being function.
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  That's a human being flaw that I don't think anybody escapes if
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  they tell the truth, right? So this is common goal.
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  Some of us still carry the burden of battle.
• 9:15
  It threatens to drown us in our everyday lives.
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  In battle, we had our weapons in combat, gear to keep us safe, to
• 9:22
  keep us confident. But when we returned home, we
• 9:26
  were not armed with weapons and gear to cope with our own minds.
• 9:30
  I was lucky to find my combat gear, my mental weapon and it's
• 9:34
  called Kamago. Kamago is a drug free device
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  that allows you to achieve calm in less than 3 minutes and
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  moments of anxiety, stress, anger, panic or insomnia.
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  Not with medication, but rather by activating the
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  parasympathetic nervous system through a breathing regulation
• 9:52
  and multi sensory stimulation. A recent study has shown that
• 9:56
  Comigo decreases PTSD and anxiety levels in Veterans,
• 9:59
  helping those who are suffering and having a long lasting
• 10:02
  effect. Visit comigo.com to learn how
• 10:05
  you can get Comigo through the VA or with a special Veterans
• 10:09
  discount code. All right, welcome back to
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  another episode of the Frondosi Show, Trench Talk Edition, right
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  here on MB Radio. That's right, MB Radio.
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  Make sure you go get the app too.
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  MB Radio has an app as well. I'm actually looking at it right
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  now on my phone. I'm checking to see, you know,
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  making sure the show is on to make sure everything is live and
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  going on. You can do a lot of that app.
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  This is all the episodes here from your device.
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  So if you're not in your car or you not by your computer, grab
• 10:39
  that device and get the app for MB radio.
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  All right, so we're going to start this topic off.
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  You know, my, my, my sharing this from a space of before,
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  during and after military service, right.
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  And so let's talk about before, you know, I asked guests, we
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  know what's going on in life before the military, what will
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  who was who was who's for Ron as a child growing up and we going
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  to go there, right? That's the before.
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  So who for Ron was, was a very emotional child, loved his
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  mother more so loved his grandmother and was able to, you
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  know, I guess, I guess you would say shy.
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  I heard shy a lot as a child. I sure I heard that Brian is
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  shy. He's quiet.
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  And I was told stories by my mom that I would go places with her
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  and that I would just sit in her lap and I would just watch the
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  children play and whatever that was.
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  And so I was kind of standoffish, kind of shy, I
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  guess you could say. But really looking back, grew up
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  in a very loving environment, a Christian Baptist environment
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  from my grandparents, my childhood friends today.
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  Looking back, we had a great time in the 70s and all these
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  experiences from the 80s, nineties, you know, I had a good
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  time. I had a good time.
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  Now, the emotional part, that's where we get to talk about how
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  it impacted who for Ron was on an emotional level.
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  As I tell you, my environment was actually very great.
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  I was taken care of. I don't want to want it for
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  nothing. However, as children, when we
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  grow up and we don't understand what's happening in our
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  environment, sometimes we don't see it that way in the moments.
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  Sometimes we don't never see it and people die without even
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  discovering that their life was actually really great taken care
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  of. So for me, there was some
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  episodes, there were some things that I made-up.
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  I can admit to you that I made them up as a child.
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  They were not the truth. They were the truth, but they
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  wasn't. It was my truth, but they wasn't
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  the truth. But I can only tell you that
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  from today because I did the work around those conversations
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  and growing up, I can tell you before I had really language to
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  talk, there was a transition that I felt like I was
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  disconnected from my mom as 2 year old.
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  Now in the moment of a 2 year old, again, the brain is
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  developing. But the two year old, I think I
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  could barely talk. I think I knew some words at
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  2:00, but I can tell you looking back on my emotional state or
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  how I felt and how I say that I was disconnected with love from
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  my mom because of a transition of living by my grandparents
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  from 2 years old to 8. Now I'm going this far back
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  because as we get into look forward conversations, I want
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  you to be able to look and see in your own life, right?
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  So I'm asking you to look in your own life and see if you see
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  things like this for yourself. But I love my mom, but I was
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  also emotionally disconnected from her.
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  And I got connected to my grandmother and I lived there
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  for those eight years. I went to kindergarten, first
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  grade, 2nd grade over there with my grandparents.
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  My mom would pick me up. I remember that I would cry when
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  she would pick me up to go back to mama's house.
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  You know, these are stories that I have that I would be sharing
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  in another conversation. But I want you to get that at
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  two years old, I was disconnected from my mom.
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  I say disconnected with love because I understand today of
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  what I was dealing with as a child.
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  Now I can tell you, growing up in my environment with my
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  grandparents, like I said, looking back today, awesome.
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  In the moments of time as a child, I really didn't know what
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  was going on. I knew that I was old enough to
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  play with my friends in the neighborhood.
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  Sometimes my grandparents will say they were bad kids.
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  You can't play with them. Don't play with them because
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  they were doing bad stuff. Well, we know as a child, all
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  that once makes you want to do is just go find out and play
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  with them anyway, right? Or you play with them at school,
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  but then you can't play with them in the neighborhood.
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  Like it doesn't make sense. Like so I remember a lot of
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  times I have to sit on the porch.
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  I couldn't go outside and play because they were outside
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  playing. But they were still my friends
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  nevertheless. We played football, tackle,
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  football, sideline pop, throw up tackle, whatever.
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  Baseball, hockey. That was the environment that
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  was the 70s. It was it was way different in
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  the 70s than it is today. I can tell you in the second
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  grade I had some issues in school.
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  I could read, but I remember making some decisions in my
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  second grade class for me. My eyes would not stay on the
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  paper and I would read with my finger or ruler.
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  And I remember one day my classmates laughed at me because
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  I was reading with my finger and I sound like the Cat in the hat.
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  And then he went to the store like that.
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  And I can tell you in that moment that I told myself I will
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  never raise my hand again and I will never read out loud.
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  Now, that is a conversation that lived with me.
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  I can tell you for 40 years before I discovered that
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  decision. I can tell you the decision I
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  discovered about my mom at two years old was just recently,
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  like recently, like last week. So that's 52 years that I felt
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  like I was disconnected from my mom and then 40 years of a
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  decision that I made around my second grade class.
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  But oh, there was another one, you know, because I asked.
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  I'm going to ask you as a guess, how was your relationship with
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  your mom? How was your relationship with
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  your dad? And sometimes suddenly we people
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  don't want to talk about that. Sometimes people don't want to
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  say what they was dealing with as a child, and that's OK.
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  I can tell you at five years old, I made a decision and my
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  dad didn't love me. So if we tell the truth, there
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  are some things that we deal with as children that we pretend
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  maybe as a dose, that everything was fine and everything was fine
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  and everything was fine. But where the work is, that is
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  to be able to tell the truth to yourself.
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  So imagine 2 years old, I'm disconnected with love from my
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  mom. Five years old.
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  My dad doesn't love me, which I'll talk about that in another
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  topic. Six years old, not going to
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  raise my hand. I'm not going to read out loud,
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  especially in front of my peers. Wow, that's three decisions
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  already. How does that, how does that
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  happen for a child? How does that happen for any of
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  us? Maybe because that's what the
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  brain is designed to do, protect us.
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  So Can you imagine going from a, a, a open free to wonder about
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  life, ask questions why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why,
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  why all day long, asking questions for no reason at all.
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  Just because you want to ask questions because you're
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  learning and you want to know why.
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  And then to one day make a decision that I'm not going to
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  be this kind of person anymore, that I'm not going to do these
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  kind of things anymore if we don't touch on that later.
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  And then let's talk about the transition as a child.
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  At 8 years old, there was another transition that I went
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  back to live with my mom after she got married.
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  And now I'm uprooted out of that environment of my grandparents
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  for six years, eight years, six years to now back with my mom
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  and my new baby sister and my stepfather in a whole nother
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  environment. Now we laugh and we may think
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  that that's that's not such a big deal.
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  I mean, yes, that was that was what they were supposed to do,
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  come and get me. But what does that do to a
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  child? You know, we talked about, you
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  know, kindergarteners like my grandson and, and, and five
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  years old, and you take him to, to, to kindergarten and we drop
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  him off and they cry like crazy when you tell them to go into
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  the classroom by themselves. You know that cry, How many of
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  us cried that cry like that, but silently?
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  How many of us cried like that but without it coming out of our
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  mouth and saying something? The suffering silence, cry.
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  See, because all of us went through that transition at some
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  point. All of us went to kindergarten,
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  all of us had to go to a daycare where you, the new person on the
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  block or you're the new kid in the school.
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  All of us did that. But do we glaze over that and
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  make it seem like, oh, you know, that's what that's what you're
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  supposed to do is he'll be OK, She'll be OK.
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  But do you understand transition and change?
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  Do you understand transition and change is emotional?
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  Do you think by why that child is crying going into daycare or
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  kindergarten? Because they just learned
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  behavior. For some of us, that was another
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  fracture, another wound, another emotional trauma.
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  And I had that one too. So I'm disconnected by my mom at
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  2:00. By 5, my dad doesn't love me.
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  By 6, my peers. I'm not raising my hand in front
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  of my peers and reading out loud.
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  No more at 8:00 I'm in transition and change out of an
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  environment that leads to an experience of being abandoned.
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  Now, I wasn't abandoned. How long did it take me to
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  discover the abandonment issue? Well, how about 38 years when I
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  discovered it? And how about another 40, 4445
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  years before I actually got free from it?
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  Now this is all life before service.
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  And I'm saying this because there is a conversation out
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  there, right? And we talked about PTSD in the
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  military. We talked about trauma.
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  I mean, it's a huge topic today. Mental health is a huge topic
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  today. It's important.
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  But I'm talking about these childhood experiences for a
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  reason. And the reason is because
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  there's a conversation called complex post traumatic stress
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  disorder, complex CPTSD. This is before service.
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  This is what's going on in for Ron's life as a child.
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  Great again, I had a great life. I had everything that I needed.
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  A lot of times I had everything that I wanted.
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  Sometimes I didn't get what I wanted.
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  I get it. I got what I needed, but that's
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  all of us as a child. None of us escapes that.
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  However, in this conversation about complex post traumatic
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  stress disorder, these are some of the things as a as a child
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  has children in our environment growing up that we say to
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  ourselves and sometimes no one told us this.
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  Sometimes these are things that we've told ourselves that the
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  brain, if you understand the machine in the brain, these are
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  some automatic natural conversations that the brain has
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  that is designed to survive life.
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  And for some people, they grew up in an environment where they
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  tell themselves, I feel like I don't have a right to exist now.
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  Can you imagine a child telling themselves in an environment
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  that they're being raised in or grown up in, that they feel like
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  I don't have the right to exist as a child?
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  How about I bother people just by being alive?
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  How about I wish I had never been born?
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  You ever said that to yourself? How about this one?
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  I am a burden. How about I feel invisible?
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  How about I am nothing? How about I don't matter?
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  How about I will never be enough?
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  How about I'm alone in the world?
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  How about my feelings don't matter?
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  How about I can never get enough hugs?
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  How about I am a bottomless pit of needs?
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  How about that? Anybody ever said those to
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  themselves? How about everyone else needs
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  are more important than mine? How about that?
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  How about if I ask for help, others will accuse me of
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  attention seeking? You ever had that one?
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  Or lastly, others are busy and don't have time for me.
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  Now I imagine if you tell the truth, you ain't got to tell the
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  truth to me. You ain't got to put it in the
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  chat. Imagine you just have one of
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  those. Just one.
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  I'm not saying you got to have five of them.
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  I'm just saying imagine you grew up with just one of those.
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  Imagine you have just one. Pick one.
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  Anyone. And then live your life from
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  that thought about yourself, not anybody telling you that.
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  Or maybe you do have some evidence that somebody said that
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  you were stupid or you're dumb or you whatever.
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  You know how we talk. I don't know how you know how
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  people talk to us, how our peers are.
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  Can you imagine growing up in the back of your mind that says
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  that I'm a burden? Can you imagine what that feels
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  like? And then to grow up with that
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  and you're a young age in your transitions that I'm a burden in
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  your school. Let's go there.
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  But you have to be able to tell yourself the truth about that.
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  It might not be, might be something different from this
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  list, who knows. But imagine I grew up with
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  liking the mother's love. My dad doesn't love me, and by
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  the time I'm in second grade, I'm not going to raise my hand
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  and I'm not going to read out loud.
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  And then by third grade, I'm abandoned by my mom.
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  Oh, and by the way, I'm the new kid in school.
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  So now I got to have this anxiety of making new friends
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  all over again. See, this is this is the life
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  before service as a child had a great life emotionally.
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  There was some things that I was silently dealing with that I
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  didn't even know as a child. You see children, yes, we, our
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  children are young. We were all children.
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  If you listen to this as an adult, you were somebody's
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  child. And sometimes we grew up in our
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  environment and we don't get a chance to say what we feel, to
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  say what's going on with us because our environment doesn't
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  allow that child to be heard or talked or talk or whatever that
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  is. But there is a conversation
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  around complex post traumatic stress disorder that I don't
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  know if anyone escapes it. Does anyone escape that?
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  I don't know. I don't think so.
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  I don't think anyone escapes these.
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  But you have to figure out what yours is for yourself first.
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  It's easy to say, oh, you got Mama issues, you got daddy
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  issues. Of course, that's not a cliche,
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  that's real life. But as I'm talking to you from
• 30:34
  my life before, during and after service, this is before service.
• 30:43
  So how do we, how do we deal with this before service?
• 30:48
  Because we're talking about post traumatic stress disorder in the
• 30:50
  military, we're talking about right now complex post traumatic
• 30:57
  stress disorder from our environment.
• 31:04
  So yes, I had a great life. Everything I needed, everything
• 31:08
  I wanted just about. I know I wanted some more shoes
• 31:10
  and stuff like that. Didn't get it, whatever.
• 31:14
  But that's not the key. I'm talk about the emotional
• 31:17
  part of life. And I felt like that I was
• 31:21
  abandoned. I felt like my dad didn't love
• 31:23
  me and they were around. My mom was around, my dad was
• 31:27
  around. That transition from elementary
• 31:31
  to middle school, that transition from moving from my
• 31:36
  grandparents house to my mom's apartment, those are emotional
• 31:42
  transitions. I talked about going from going
• 31:46
  to that, going to kindergarten, and how that child cries because
• 31:51
  they don't want to go to the school for the first time in
• 31:53
  their life. Those are the conversations
• 31:59
  we're talking about for the before military experience.
• 32:12
  I've got you up to 8 years old now.
• 32:16
  By 8 years old, I feel like I'm abandoned because I'm not at
• 32:19
  this apartment by myself. They called us latchkey kids.
• 32:23
  I was a latchkey kid of 1978 and I had to keep this key.
• 32:30
  I had this key around my neck with the string because I had to
• 32:34
  use that key to get into the apartment.
• 32:38
  So I feel like I'm abandoned by my mom, but also I got to be
• 32:41
  responsible with this key. Now it took me until my low I'm
• 32:52
  well, I just got I just actually got free from that key last
• 32:56
  year. So from 8 years old until 5053,
• 33:04
  so you could do the math there that that key of being
• 33:08
  responsible, how that played out in my life, right?
• 33:13
  Because what I'm talking about is these emotional decisions
• 33:16
  that we make that our brain creates for us to survive these
• 33:20
  moments of pain as a child, They're natural.
• 33:23
  I don't think anybody escapes them.
• 33:25
  And again, if you just grew up with I'm a burden, one is
• 33:31
  enough. How would you grow up in your
• 33:33
  environment suddenly thinking that I'm a bird?
• 33:38
  How would you grow up in your environment thinking that I feel
• 33:40
  like I don't have a right to exist?
• 33:44
  And you go off to school. How do you grow up with the
• 33:49
  thought to yourself that I feel invisible?
• 33:55
  Like, do we think about those now?
• 33:59
  I can tell you all these stories that that I'm talking from and
• 34:04
  before military service, those were always already in my head.
• 34:12
  There will be times that that 2 year old story will pop in my
• 34:16
  mind. There was times that the five
• 34:18
  year old story will pop in my mind.
• 34:21
  There are times that the six year old story will pop in my
• 34:24
  mind. There are times that the six
• 34:26
  year old story will pop in my head and I would think like, why
• 34:31
  I remember that? Why is that such a distinct
• 34:33
  memory? Why do I remember why?
• 34:36
  Why is my thought think in my mind?
• 34:37
  Why? Why is that thought coming from?
• 34:39
  Why do I feel this emotional distress in my body from a
• 34:43
  thought? But I never had the tools or
• 34:48
  never even knew that I could grab that thought and get a hold
• 34:52
  of it and put it through and filter it through some
• 34:55
  principles. I didn't think, I never thought,
• 34:59
  I never even knew that that was possible.
• 35:06
  So the life before service, it plays a huge part of life during
• 35:15
  service and after service. So I left you off at the 8 year
• 35:24
  old decision. Now let's go to the 11 year old
• 35:28
  decision where I was embarrassed and felt shame because of my
• 35:34
  mom's car broke down. Again.
• 35:37
  I'm eleven and I have no concept of what it is to have a car or
• 35:40
  own a car. I like playing with toys in
• 35:43
  cars, but I have no concept of what it was for a car to break
• 35:47
  down and have to go to a mechanic shop and have it fixed.
• 35:51
  And then you can replace it and drive it and fix it and drive
• 35:56
  it. But I can tell you that
• 36:01
  emotional part of that embarrassment of having to walk
• 36:04
  to the store one day with my stepfather, having to pay with
• 36:09
  food stamps because we knew what food stamps was back then.
• 36:14
  That means you was kind of poor or you didn't have any money,
• 36:17
  and so you had to have government food stamps to buy
• 36:19
  food. Oh, and in school, you had to
• 36:22
  have lunch tickets and build a lunch program so that you could
• 36:24
  eat lunch at school. Now, you don't think that was
• 36:28
  some shame there already, some embarrassment there already.
• 36:33
  So how did I know that when my stepfather paid for that food at
• 36:37
  the grocery store and I'm watching him pull out money and
• 36:40
  its food stamps and the little fracture that I felt standing
• 36:45
  there next to him with food stamps.
• 36:49
  And then we pushed the grocery cart home.
• 36:53
  Now I grew up with my grandparents that that grocery
• 36:56
  cart doesn't leave the parking lot.
• 36:57
  It's supposed to stay at the store.
• 37:01
  But my grandfather, because we had all these groceries, my
• 37:04
  stepfather, he's pushing the cart home now on a busy St.
• 37:09
  And we crossed the street and we're walking up a busy St.
• 37:16
  Now what is the mind of an 11 year old part like?
• 37:19
  Why are we pushing this cart? This should be back at the
• 37:21
  store. By the way, we paid with food
• 37:23
  stamps. I'm a little embarrassed about
• 37:25
  that. And now I'm embarrassed because
• 37:28
  all these cars are driving by and.
• 37:31
  They're probably looking at us. Saying look, why look?
• 37:34
  Look, they don't have no car. And I can remember that my
• 37:38
  mom's. Car is at the house because it's
• 37:40
  sitting there broken down and then we we can't drive it.
• 37:45
  At 11, it was a decision that I made in that.
• 37:50
  Moment. About who Faran needed to.
• 37:56
  Become to survive that moment of shame and embarrassment.
• 38:03
  That's the life of an 11. Year old.
• 38:09
  And that story's coming soon. As well now there's a few more
• 38:20
  that I want to touch before I take this commercial break here.
• 38:27
  What I learned about the car after the fact, I don't know.
• 38:34
  That was 11. So I think I discovered that
• 38:37
  decision also in my probably, probably about 48 or 49, so 30
• 38:45
  something years. I live with that decision about
• 38:47
  the embarrassment and shame. I discovered it didn't really
• 38:51
  get free from it, but I discovered where it was coming
• 38:53
  from, put it that way. That when that story popped up
• 38:57
  in. My head, I grabbed it with those
• 38:58
  principles and unraveled it and saw, Oh my goodness, no wonder.
• 39:04
  No wonder I had five cars and a motorcycle.
• 39:07
  No wonder I was embarrassed to walk down the street to the
• 39:09
  grocery store. No wonder I was afraid to go.
• 39:13
  To places by myself because I felt like people was looking at
• 39:15
  me, like looking at him laughing at me because I'm by myself.
• 39:20
  Shame and embarrassment that couldn't even go places by
• 39:24
  myself, that I couldn't even walk to the grocery store down
• 39:26
  the street. So that was only not long.
• 39:35
  Ago, right? And one of the next ones was we
• 39:43
  moved from that area to another spot.
• 39:48
  No, take that back. So before.
• 39:49
  That I went to a junior. High school in the Valley.
• 39:54
  From a magnet program, 7th grade that was that was off the chain,
• 40:03
  but that transition from 8th grade, 7th grade to 8th grade
• 40:07
  because we moved. From that apartment complex up
• 40:12
  like The Jeffersons, we got a little bit more money.
• 40:14
  So the food stamps is gone. We got a little bit more money.
• 40:17
  So we moving up, we going north toward Hollywood.
• 40:20
  So we up, we up close to Hollywood on Melrose over there,
• 40:24
  nice house. And but the transition now is I
• 40:28
  got to go from this elementary school, I mean, this middle
• 40:31
  school to another middle school or back then we call it junior
• 40:35
  high school, junior high to another junior high.
• 40:38
  Now again, I'm the new kid on the block again, another
• 40:43
  transition and change again. And how do I make friends now?
• 40:54
  How do I make friends today at that moment?
• 40:57
  So I remember walking to school, I remember going through the
• 41:01
  gate and, and, and in Bancroft there was a gate on the side and
• 41:07
  then as you walked in past the building on the right, it was
• 41:11
  courts, just a bunch of basketball courts.
• 41:15
  So I walked into school. I went and stood by the
• 41:18
  basketball courts. Saw some guys playing.
• 41:23
  This is like 7:30 in the morning and I start playing basketball.
• 41:32
  I can tell you today that that's where my identity happened to
• 41:38
  survive that experience of loneliness in that transition of
• 41:43
  who I get to be today, Well, I, I, I made friends playing
• 41:47
  basketball. I also lost my girlfriend.
• 41:54
  Playing basketball in junior high school, that's another
• 41:58
  story. Life of a 14 year old.
• 42:06
  So again, this before service conversation is so important.
• 42:14
  Because we have. To be able to look in our life
• 42:17
  and tell the truth to ourselves. To find out what's going on.
• 42:22
  Before I join the military, what had me join the service?
• 42:26
  We even got that party. I'm I'm still in junior high
• 42:28
  school. By the time that 14 year.
• 42:34
  Old decision made that I'm not going to be vulnerable.
• 42:36
  I have to defend myself in relationships with a woman.
• 42:41
  It was a wrap. It was a wrap because now I'm
• 42:49
  going into 9th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, and 12th
• 42:54
  grade. With how many emotional
• 43:00
  fractures since two years old now, I can tell you it was no
• 43:10
  wonder I joined the military. It was no wonder I joined the
• 43:18
  military. But the points that I'm making
• 43:23
  in this first part of Before Service is these are real.
• 43:31
  These are real. We pretend like everything's.
• 43:38
  Fine, when we're suffering silence, we pretend like there's
• 43:44
  no shame and embarrassment, but there is.
• 43:51
  We suffer in silence. We don't have the courage or the
• 43:56
  confidence in some areas to speak up.
• 44:05
  People label you as a hypocrite. They label you as a player, as a
• 44:09
  cheater, like we label people all these things, Die, bullies,
• 44:18
  you name it. We.
• 44:20
  Label one another. So easy without trying to find
• 44:25
  out what's going on with that person first.
• 44:32
  Now depending on your background.
• 44:34
  I can tell you today that yes, this this is a real conversation
• 44:38
  and it's a spiritual conversation too for me
• 44:41
  biblically. So if you are interested in that
• 44:48
  conversation, that's going to be another topic we can talk about.
• 44:50
  But the the Bible are passages and stories about life.
• 45:03
  A lot of our. Government laws came from Moses
• 45:08
  and the 10 Commandments. A lot of the passages that you.
• 45:14
  Read in the Bible show you who those people were before, during
• 45:18
  and after and how they developed in the.
• 45:20
  Word. So if we if if if.
• 45:27
  Society can use the 10 commandments, the laws and.
• 45:34
  They are used by our. Government system, Why are we
• 45:37
  not using all of it? Well, guess what?
• 45:40
  I would imagine a lot of the mental health stuff comes out of
• 45:43
  there. I know a lot of personal
• 45:44
  development talks come out of there.
• 45:51
  And who was the best? Example of that was Jesus
• 45:53
  Christ. He taught us he.
• 46:00
  Showed us, he shows us who we get to be as people and what it
• 46:05
  takes to live this life for power and strength is you got to
• 46:11
  renew your mind. And at 50 I had to go and renew
• 46:18
  my mind. At 40 I got introduced into some
• 46:21
  education that got me on this path.
• 46:27
  I did take cognitive behavior through the.
• 46:28
  VAI did take grievous courses through the VAI paid for some of
• 46:32
  my own courses out of my own pocket the last 14 years.
• 46:37
  Except for the first ones that my.
• 46:38
  Friends donated to me and and paid for.
• 46:41
  That's how I got involved. They paid for that first
• 46:44
  curriculum for me. Then I had to go find out for.
• 46:49
  Myself. If you're concerned about your
• 46:58
  eternal. Life, then the Bible, is where
• 47:00
  you go. But this is all.
• 47:06
  Before service, I just gave you almost 40 minutes of what life
• 47:12
  was like before service. Very emotional.
• 47:19
  Silently though, but I had to go figure that out.
• 47:28
  I had to go. I had to be willing to do that
• 47:33
  work and a lot of people aren't willing.
• 47:35
  See, a lot of us know what's going on before service.
• 47:39
  A lot of us know what was going on in our childhood.
• 47:41
  A lot of us know how we feel, but some of us aren't willing to
• 47:46
  take a look. We talked about PTSD that got
• 47:54
  that's after military service and then you feel right back to
• 48:04
  for some of the childhood experiences, but that never
• 48:07
  actually got healed from. But in this piece here.
• 48:13
  Life before service. It's a lot, and today our
• 48:22
  children are. Going through the same thing.
• 48:23
  Why do we not? Why do we think that our
• 48:25
  children aren't dealing with the same things that we went
• 48:28
  through? Why are we not?
• 48:30
  Telling the truth to our. Children.
• 48:32
  About the things that we went through.
• 48:34
  Of how we felt, how we felt about our parents, how we felt
• 48:43
  about our friends. Like we say it right, but we
• 48:48
  talk about it, but we don't talk from it.
• 48:50
  I'm asking because I've learned that I had to.
• 48:53
  My freedom came from talking from it.
• 48:55
  I was willing. I was willing.
• 49:00
  At the point of my ideations of suicide and life is over after
• 49:05
  service don't get there, but all that came back.
• 49:14
  It just takes one. Can you imagine growing up
• 49:18
  thinking? That I'm a burden?
• 49:22
  How do you think the trajectory? Of your life is going to go in
• 49:25
  your phases of life, if that's silently in your heart.
• 49:35
  But we have to be able to tell the truth to yourself first.
• 49:38
  That's my point. So I have a couple I'm going to.
• 49:43
  Try this. I'm going to.
• 49:44
  I'm going to really try this to see if this works.
• 49:46
  I put I picked a couple of songs to go with my life before
• 49:51
  service. I pray that this plays, but
• 49:55
  we're going to let me see if this works.
• 49:56
  So I'm going to bring up the. Playlist right here, right?
• 50:00
  So this is my Spotify. We're going to go to the Spotify
• 50:05
  track right here. Now this one I was a.
• 50:09
  Star Wars, you know. I grew up in the Star Wars age,
• 50:12
  and as I thought about songs that remind me of growing up and
• 50:17
  especially around the military mindset and things like that, I
• 50:20
  felt like another One Bites the Dust was something that
• 50:25
  represented my military. Experience as a child I did.
• 50:30
  Play with army men. I played with a lot of toys.
• 50:33
  I played with Star Wars toys. I played with all kind of little
• 50:35
  army figures and characters and Superman's and all the little
• 50:40
  figurines, stiff, the plastic ones that didn't even move like
• 50:43
  I played with all those. But when?
• 50:46
  Star Wars came out. I felt like that.
• 50:48
  Should be the track. That represented Star Wars.
• 50:52
  Let me see if this is on play. Yeah, I think it's going to
• 50:56
  play. Let's see.
• 51:02
  This is just a little bit of my childhood right here.
• 51:08
  It's not going to play. Why ain't that about something?
• 51:13
  Well, anyway, that is another one bites the dust.
• 51:16
  For those of you who are looking at it.
• 51:19
  It played earlier. I don't know why.
• 51:20
  Let me see you stop sharing screen.
• 51:23
  How about we do that? How about we go present?
• 51:25
  We're going to try it again. Windows there Share.
• 51:35
  OK, let's see. Another one bites the.
• 51:37
  Dust. No, I don't hear it.
• 51:39
  You don't hear it. I don't hear it either, but at
• 51:42
  least it was a nice try. But these are the list of songs
• 51:45
  that I created from my, say, my childhood.
• 51:48
  It was another one Bites the Dust.
• 51:51
  I'll tell you. Another one is Human by The
• 51:56
  Killers. That was more of my junior high
• 51:58
  school kind of, you know, the lyrics to that kind of just like
• 52:04
  kind of kind of gloomy, trying to make sense of why I feel the
• 52:09
  way I feel. So that was the Killers human.
• 52:16
  But yeah, I just wanted to be able to share this first piece
• 52:21
  of, again, if you're a guest. One day you don't.
• 52:24
  Have to go that deep. But when I'm asking my questions
• 52:29
  about life before service, that's what I'm looking at.
• 52:33
  I like to hear people's experiences.
• 52:37
  Sometimes all question or song can bring up a memory that's
• 52:42
  very distinct and you're like, wow, that took me back.
• 52:46
  Or it forces you to think about how was it growing up in your
• 52:49
  environment. How was it?
• 52:53
  How was? How was the relationship with
• 52:54
  your? Mom, how's your relationship
• 52:55
  with your dad? It's like sometime it takes
• 52:59
  that. So before I play this, PSAI want
• 53:05
  to just say it again. Thanks for to listening into the
• 53:08
  Frondoze show. This is the Trench Talk edition.
• 53:10
  Life before, during and after service has been the
• 53:14
  conversation. Before was my before service.
• 53:19
  So I want to play two things for you.
• 53:24
  I want you to hear Caldwell share about his life.
• 53:29
  He is a Korean era veteran. He's my mentor.
• 53:32
  He has a mental health education that I have taken and I'm
• 53:37
  working with him around it. He's 90 right now, 91 next
• 53:43
  month. And he has interest, trusted me
• 53:50
  that when he passes that I will continue this conversation.
• 53:53
  And so I am. I'm the only qualified trainer
• 53:57
  for his education right now, but I want to play his conversation
• 54:00
  as a Korean era veteran, as a child whose grandparents were
• 54:06
  slaves. And this is the curriculum that
• 54:11
  he started in the 1950s. I'm going to play this one
• 54:15
  first, and we're going to play one around veterans.
• 54:19
  But this is my mentor. This is my guy, Caldwell
• 54:21
  Williams. Take a listen.
• 54:27
  The most compelling? Social need of humans is to
• 54:31
  belong. All four of my grandparents were
• 54:37
  born. Slaves.
• 54:39
  My father's father. He was seven years old.
• 54:42
  And. Sold away from everything and
• 54:45
  everybody he knew, he never again.
• 54:50
  Saw. Any member of his family.
• 54:54
  My father, he's born in. 1884 His mother had died in
• 54:59
  childbirth and he raised himself from age 8.
• 55:07
  The sheriff came with his posse took.
• 55:09
  My father and my oldest brother and beat them my father died
• 55:13
  with scars on his back from that beating if the.
• 55:18
  Sheriff puts you in jail. In a Jim Crow's South, where do
• 55:22
  you turn to seek justice? I love school.
• 55:29
  I it became a source of me finding myself when I'd
• 55:35
  graduated from. USA in 1950. 7 and was never
• 55:38
  even able to get an interview. No Jews, no negroes, no
• 55:43
  Hispanics, no orientals Need apply.
• 55:48
  Now what do I do? Boy?
• 55:54
  You add color to our faculty. That's that's all we're
• 55:57
  interested in. All the other counselors were
• 56:00
  instructed to give me their failing seniors, dopers, rebels,
• 56:06
  suicidals, listening to 12th graders who were not going to
• 56:10
  graduate. They told me what was going on
• 56:12
  in their lives. I discovered that I had
• 56:15
  something to offer people that I thought had everything.
• 56:20
  Wood was already out on the campus, that the skinny black
• 56:23
  dude was cool. I got all these kids.
• 56:25
  Who want to talk? To me, and I don't have the time
• 56:27
  to see them, I think I might be able to see everybody if I saw
• 56:30
  them in groups. Individual psychotherapy on
• 56:34
  accounts was the only method. Skinny black dude want to do
• 56:37
  groups. You can't do that because it
• 56:41
  doesn't exist. To hell with them.
• 56:43
  Let's do it anyway, parents. Want to know what are you doing?
• 56:48
  To bring about this reaction to my kid, I've been sending my
• 56:51
  kids to the best psychiatrist in Southern California, and this
• 56:53
  hasn't happened. This shit works.
• 57:00
  Developing adolescence without narcotics is a radical new
• 57:04
  national idea. Oh, you know you can't do that.
• 57:10
  I'll. Train your school that includes.
• 57:12
  The sensitivity to the mental health needs of our students.
• 57:16
  This is too big for you, Would you be?
• 57:19
  Willing to train my managers. Yeah.
• 57:23
  Who's Paul Williams? He hasn't published anything. 22
• 57:29
  Iraq, Afghan. Veterans committing suicide
• 57:31
  every day I. Think I know who these young
• 57:35
  people are? Mr. Williams.
• 57:38
  You don't want to touch this. You don't know who we are, Mr.
• 57:45
  Williams and I said yes, I know who you are.
• 57:49
  Maybe you don't know who you are.
• 57:51
  Did your parents encounter racism?
• 57:54
  Oh my gosh, yes. How about your grandparents?
• 57:58
  Oh my. Even worse.
• 58:00
  Then how did we get here? Someone.
• 58:04
  Persisted and prevailed. In spite of, I would assert.
• 58:08
  That no less. Is required of us.
• 58:33
  So I share that to say. It's our turn right at some.
• 58:39
  Point when we grow. Up and you get to this certain
• 58:43
  age and you look back and maybe you don't have a great
• 58:47
  relationship with your mom and dad.
• 58:50
  Maybe one of those parents weren't there.
• 58:52
  Some people think that both parents are there and the child
• 58:55
  is going to be should grow up in a great environment.
• 58:58
  Well, sometimes both parents are there and that child still grows
• 59:01
  up disconnected. Why?
• 59:03
  Because there's a natural brick in communication between that
• 59:06
  child and that parent natural. That's why I say, does anyone
• 59:10
  escape it? I don't know if we tell the
• 59:14
  truth. So it's it's my turn right I.
• 59:25
  I had to take responsibility. For my life at 40 years old, I
• 59:31
  had to go back and ask my parents for forgiveness.
• 59:35
  I didn't wait till they came to me for my childhood.
• 59:39
  And how I felt I was. Treated or wasn't treated, I
• 59:41
  went to them to ask him to forgive me for my behavior.
• 59:48
  And not everybody. Has the confidence.
• 59:51
  Or the courage to do that. But if you want to tell the
• 59:57
  truth. On how you treat your parents.
• 1:00:05
  What? What does that look like?
• 1:00:07
  At some point, at some age, we have to take responsibility for
• 1:00:11
  our behavior, for our life, and not blame or be the victim.
• 1:00:17
  Of our environment or think we are remember because I'm.
• 1:00:23
  Telling you all the stuff that I shared with you this first hour
• 1:00:26
  was stories that I made-up, that when I told the truth to myself,
• 1:00:30
  no one told me that my own mind told me those stories, my own
• 1:00:40
  mind. There's a lot of education.
• 1:00:47
  There's there's child development courses, there's
• 1:00:49
  person development courses, there's mental health classes,
• 1:00:52
  there's all kinds of conversations.
• 1:00:55
  Brain go study the brain. Brain science.
• 1:00:59
  If you understand memory patterns, perception patterns
• 1:01:03
  and action patterns, you're going to be like, for real.
• 1:01:07
  Like that's not even me. Yeah, when you get.
• 1:01:10
  Up and brush your teeth and. Take a shower and get dressed.
• 1:01:13
  You ain't even got to be there. That's your memory.
• 1:01:17
  Patterns already already Imagine we already.
• 1:01:23
  Always listen to somebody in a particular way because that's
• 1:01:26
  how we filter conversations through these emotional states.
• 1:01:31
  You got to take a look for yourself, though.
• 1:01:36
  So I wanted this first episode to be about the before service.
• 1:01:42
  I'm painting this picture when I come back next week.
• 1:01:45
  You're going to get into life during service, but this life
• 1:01:53
  before service, we talk about complex post traumatic stress
• 1:02:01
  disorder complex. That means that's in your
• 1:02:03
  environment. And if you grew up with just one
• 1:02:07
  of those, just one, I discovered 10 decisions that I made in my
• 1:02:12
  life, 10 I'm talking about one can take you off track one.
• 1:02:24
  And as an advocate for sickle cell trait, we're going to get
• 1:02:26
  into that next episode. I can hear people, you know,
• 1:02:36
  have you ever heard somebody say that they're the black sheep of
• 1:02:38
  the family? That's the key indicator for me.
• 1:02:43
  Like we describe it in many ways.
• 1:02:45
  People talk about oh, I'm the black sheep, or I'm the middle
• 1:02:49
  child, or I'm nobody, whatever. Again, if you grow up with, I
• 1:02:56
  feel like I don't have a right to exist as a child, as a
• 1:03:00
  teenager, if you grew up as a teenager or as a child as I
• 1:03:05
  bother people just by being alive.
• 1:03:10
  If you grew up as a child or a teenager.
• 1:03:12
  I wish I'd never been born. Do you know some people really
• 1:03:14
  say that to themselves? You know, people really talk to
• 1:03:20
  themselves with these conversations.
• 1:03:23
  That I'm a burden, That I feel invisible, That I'm nothing,
• 1:03:27
  That I don't matter, that I will never be enough, That I am alone
• 1:03:35
  in the world. My feelings don't matter.
• 1:03:39
  I can never get enough hugs. I'm a bottomless pit of needs.
• 1:03:48
  Everyone else's needs are more important than mine if I ask
• 1:03:53
  for. Help others will act.
• 1:03:55
  Accuse me of an attention seeking and others.
• 1:03:59
  Are busy and don't have. Time for me now.
• 1:04:01
  You grew up with one of those just one and your child and your
• 1:04:06
  toddler age or your? Elementary school age or.
• 1:04:12
  Your middle school age or your high school age?
• 1:04:14
  By high school, it's a wrap. By high school, you've got
• 1:04:19
  probably. I don't know.
• 1:04:21
  I had two. Years old I had.
• 1:04:23
  Five year old, I had 6 year old, I had.
• 1:04:26
  Eight-year old I had 11 year old I had 14 year.
• 1:04:32
  Old I had. 6 by the time I got to high school.
• 1:04:40
  I had 6 emotional fractures. By the time I got to high
• 1:04:43
  school, that's 16. But why?
• 1:04:56
  Why? Why can't we tell the truth to
• 1:04:58
  ourselves and figure those out? What is that?
• 1:05:09
  That's my life before service, that's my life before service,
• 1:05:24
  that's my life before military service.
• 1:05:30
  And other than that, my life was great.
• 1:05:35
  Looking back as an adult, dealing with those situations,
• 1:05:39
  becoming free and and and not attached and learning of where
• 1:05:46
  those thoughts came from and those behaviors came from and
• 1:05:49
  taking 100% responsibility for my life.
• 1:05:51
  No longer blaming my parents. No longer blaming my
• 1:05:56
  environment. No longer.
• 1:05:57
  Blaming the system like I got free from those, I understand
• 1:06:04
  them. And if you watch Caldwell's
• 1:06:09
  video? That's what he teaches.
• 1:06:11
  He's been teaching for 60 plus years.
• 1:06:19
  I got one more this. 1 is going to be for those or for.
• 1:06:26
  My subject if you be a guest. We're going to talk about during
• 1:06:30
  service. Now I spent 24 years in the
• 1:06:36
  army. Most of my life and I got out
• 1:06:41
  not by choice from a medical issue.
• 1:06:47
  But my career. I joined at 19.
• 1:06:50
  Man, I had a. It was I had a blast.
• 1:06:54
  I do remember my brain clicking over from that 19 year old
• 1:06:58
  teenager to a soldier. It was about 3 weeks in boot
• 1:07:03
  camp and we had did a bunch of maneuvers that day.
• 1:07:08
  We was low crawling. We had the M16 training.
• 1:07:11
  There was a lot of stuff going on that day and I just
• 1:07:14
  remembered I was on the top bunk.
• 1:07:19
  I just remember after taking a shower sleeping in my PTS.
• 1:07:24
  So when I got up at 4:00 in the morning, I was already dressed.
• 1:07:26
  So I slept in my PTS. And I just remember looking up
• 1:07:31
  at the ceiling one night, just like, man, like, what am I doing
• 1:07:38
  here? And then all of a sudden, my
• 1:07:42
  brain clicked. And from that day forward, it
• 1:07:47
  was a routine. It was a job.
• 1:07:52
  The mindset turned. On and it's never turned off
• 1:07:59
  1989 And you hear brothers and sisters say, you know, it
• 1:08:05
  teaches how to turn it on, but not how to turn it off.
• 1:08:13
  I'm going to save most of this for next week's.
• 1:08:15
  Episode for my during service. But what I learned and I walked
• 1:08:19
  away with today after peeling off a lot of these layers during
• 1:08:23
  service is that I never thought about dying.
• 1:08:31
  I never thought that if, if I put myself in the service, that
• 1:08:35
  the guarantee that the military could offer me was that I would
• 1:08:40
  die, that I could die. I never thought about that.
• 1:08:49
  I never. Thought that I joined the
• 1:08:51
  service of. Giving my life to death.
• 1:08:55
  Now, maybe some people don't look at it that way.
• 1:08:57
  I know for me, that's how I looked at it after service.
• 1:09:03
  It's like I joined the military. I actually, we had given my life
• 1:09:07
  to death. And I recognized that because in
• 1:09:10
  that transition, just a few years ago, I gave my life to
• 1:09:13
  Christ. So if I can, if I could give my
• 1:09:15
  life to death for this country, why can't I not give my life to
• 1:09:19
  Christ for my eternal life? But that's just something I had
• 1:09:22
  to deal with that I wanted. And one thing that we teach in
• 1:09:31
  our curriculum for veterans around veterans suicide
• 1:09:35
  ideations and children about life, I haven't mentioned it
• 1:09:41
  yet, but it's objectification. We teach it as objectification.
• 1:09:50
  And I want you to to hear this before.
• 1:09:52
  I play this clip. You hear these soldiers share
• 1:09:54
  their stories. That the brain is so powerful.
• 1:10:03
  Your brain, your mind is so powerful that they can objectify
• 1:10:07
  another human being from being a person to a terrorist or from a
• 1:10:14
  person to a suspect, or from a person to a black person, or
• 1:10:22
  from a person to a white person, or from a person to a Asian, or
• 1:10:28
  from a Clipper fan to a Laker fan, or from a Padres fan to a
• 1:10:33
  Dodger fan. And in the midst of that
• 1:10:35
  objectification, we can kill one another.
• 1:10:43
  We can kill one another in those spaces of objectification
• 1:10:49
  because we're trained. I was trained at 19 years old to
• 1:10:52
  objectify another human being to a terrorist and then we trained
• 1:10:55
  to kill terrorists. As a police officer.
• 1:11:04
  They're trained to objectify a human being as a as a suspect.
• 1:11:09
  Our environment teaches us to objectify.
• 1:11:13
  Another. Person as a white person or.
• 1:11:15
  A Mexican or Hispanic or, or, you know, or however you, your
• 1:11:19
  environment taught you to describe that other person.
• 1:11:22
  And then you talk about that person from what the world says
• 1:11:26
  about that person. We objectify other human beings
• 1:11:30
  because they wear glasses. And then we talked to them as
• 1:11:35
  people talk about people with glasses.
• 1:11:39
  You have sports fans who have. Killed another person in the
• 1:11:43
  parking lot or at a stadium over a team that they don't even own
• 1:11:48
  because they have on the jersey though and this is my team.
• 1:11:53
  And because you have on the Raiders jersey.
• 1:11:55
  Or a Lakers jersey. Or a Padres jersey.
• 1:11:59
  I can kill you based off of your.
• 1:12:02
  Jersey, you're not a person. To me, you're an opponent.
• 1:12:07
  You're in opposition. Oh, you.
• 1:12:10
  On you run you you on that. Block.
• 1:12:12
  I'm on this block. So now you're an enemy because
• 1:12:15
  you're on that block. Like that's how powerful that
• 1:12:18
  brain is. And that's so deep rooted.
• 1:12:25
  In our society that we label it as racism, we label it as white,
• 1:12:31
  like we label it as all these other things.
• 1:12:34
  But inside of those labels are people.
• 1:12:38
  We even label the government system.
• 1:12:39
  Well, those people that run that system, that government says
• 1:12:42
  don't run itself. So athletes do with this police
• 1:12:54
  officers. It's a human flaw, as I said
• 1:12:57
  earlier. What's yours?
• 1:13:04
  That's my question. Sometimes we label ourselves.
• 1:13:10
  And that life before service. What have you labeled yourself?
• 1:13:15
  I'm shy. I'm this.
• 1:13:18
  I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it.
• 1:13:20
  I'm not smart enough, I'm not tall enough.
• 1:13:23
  I'm too fat. I'm this, I'm black.
• 1:13:26
  I can't like what are all those labels that you labeled yourself
• 1:13:30
  that you objectify yourself with and then you live from that
• 1:13:34
  diminished experience of what the.
• 1:13:37
  World talks about you. Or who you say that you are, not
• 1:13:41
  who you say you are. That's all life before service.
• 1:13:48
  Before we put that uniform on. Before that thing that drives us
• 1:13:54
  to join. That branch of service, we don't
• 1:13:59
  talk about that part. At least I haven't seen it.
• 1:14:06
  I've been doing talk shows for 14 years.
• 1:14:11
  And I'm still new at it. I don't have it all figured.
• 1:14:14
  Out either, but I'm only sharing you from my life experience.
• 1:14:21
  From what I discovered about myself, and I know I'm not by
• 1:14:25
  myself. So when we objectify another
• 1:14:30
  human being. Into a terrorist.
• 1:14:36
  We're trained, that's all of our.
• 1:14:38
  Training. That's all of our training and
• 1:14:47
  for some of our brothers and sisters who actually went to.
• 1:14:49
  War and experienced that that's a whole nother conversation that
• 1:14:53
  I can't even have with you. I'm not a combat veteran, but we
• 1:14:58
  all train as we don't fight. And so the during service
• 1:15:07
  conversation next week we're going to talk about some of that
• 1:15:11
  from from a. Person who didn't get.
• 1:15:13
  To go overseas, but wanted to go overseas who tried to get
• 1:15:17
  deployed and couldn't get deployed?
• 1:15:22
  So I have one more video then we're going to get out of here
• 1:15:24
  this. One is another.
• 1:15:26
  This is Caldwell. This is after what you saw in
• 1:15:28
  the beginning of that first video. 60 years he's been doing.
• 1:15:35
  Mindfulness and mental health talks.
• 1:15:38
  And then he came out of retirement around 2015 because
• 1:15:44
  he saw that his curriculum could help veterans.
• 1:15:51
  And this. Is what he discovered.
• 1:15:53
  For our veteran community, we veterans came home.
• 1:15:56
  Eager to continue with our civilian lives only to find
• 1:16:00
  ourselves enmeshed in dysfunctional pathologies that
• 1:16:03
  erode confidence, napping spirits and lead too many of us
• 1:16:08
  to self destruction. One of the toughest.
• 1:16:11
  Points of my life. Was had a really bad mental
• 1:16:14
  breakdown. It was between.
• 1:16:18
  What happened overseas to? Losing a friend who committed
• 1:16:22
  suicide, when we came back to decisions I've made during my
• 1:16:27
  lifetime and not being able to be athletic anymore and not be
• 1:16:31
  able to run anymore. Just a lot of things with the
• 1:16:35
  anxiety and everything else that happened to a point where when
• 1:16:38
  they pulled me over, I couldn't hang myself because my rope was
• 1:16:43
  in my trunk and I couldn't cut myself.
• 1:16:45
  As hard as it was I tried couldn't do it.
• 1:16:49
  So I had about 200 pills I brought from from acvs store.
• 1:16:53
  It was so I ended up taking all the pills and and I woke up in a
• 1:16:58
  hospital bed handcuffed with a tube down my throat with hearing
• 1:17:01
  all these pills come out my throat.
• 1:17:03
  I went back home and a. Lot of things didn't work.
• 1:17:08
  Out and I had to leave just about immediately after I got
• 1:17:12
  back and I moved down to LA with the little money I had left to
• 1:17:18
  start, you know pursuing some goals and dreams.
• 1:17:21
  I went to the VA and they. After a few days I was able.
• 1:17:28
  To come down here thanks to whatever they did, and I am
• 1:17:33
  currently at the Salvation Army shelter right now after getting
• 1:17:38
  out without having, you know, too many.
• 1:17:44
  Or. Just about anyone to rely on and
• 1:17:46
  no finance. It became it became a hell of a
• 1:17:49
  struggle. I've dealt with this before, but
• 1:17:52
  going through it again is not something that I like to do.
• 1:17:57
  And I don't really feel like anyone should have to go through
• 1:17:59
  being financially unstable, homeless and when have no one,
• 1:18:03
  no family or friends. And I I see that with a lot of
• 1:18:06
  veterans. I'm a lot younger.
• 1:18:08
  Why do you have my own my own issues?
• 1:18:10
  But you know, things can go better for people.
• 1:18:12
  Not everyone wants to be a bum, you know.
• 1:18:15
  I've done 2 combat deployment rotations to Afghanistan and I
• 1:18:20
  suffered major fatigueness while I was over there with my mental
• 1:18:28
  and my physical. Health.
• 1:18:29
  I was afraid to sleep. With my daughter, because I
• 1:18:33
  aggressively move around in my sleep and sometimes I could be
• 1:18:39
  very violent. With all the things that.
• 1:18:42
  Occurred with me. And all those situations.
• 1:18:46
  They lead me up to this point checking into a shelter.
• 1:18:50
  You know I lost my. My wife, my daughter, we
• 1:18:55
  veterans came. Home.
• 1:18:57
  Eager to continue with our civilian lives only to find
• 1:19:00
  ourselves enmeshed in dysfunctional pathologies that
• 1:19:04
  erode confidence napping spirits and lead too many of us to self
• 1:19:08
  destruction. It is now time for a new model,
• 1:19:12
  one that outreaches and assist veterans struggling with the
• 1:19:15
  imperative transition of veteran to civilian.
• 1:19:18
  And we then you breed with our objectives of inclusion and
• 1:19:22
  community are here to fulfill it.
• 1:19:26
  We discovered that we were so deficient and effective
• 1:19:28
  foundation skills to navigate our civilian culture that we
• 1:19:32
  found ourselves isolated. Among us are those who got
• 1:19:36
  divorced, got evicted from residences, faced criminal
• 1:19:40
  charges and most tragically contemplated suicide.
• 1:19:44
  All of that is now remarkably changed through our meeting with
• 1:19:47
  and guidance from Caldwell Williams.
• 1:19:50
  Caldwell, who withdrew from retirement, is introduced to us
• 1:19:55
  to the possibility of returning home and discovering a new
• 1:19:59
  purposeful and goals driven identity and with our newly
• 1:20:03
  established skills. We are able to break previously
• 1:20:06
  in broken barriers from that a war inflicts.
• 1:20:09
  Invisible injury upon every participant, those who've
• 1:20:14
  served. And who now?
• 1:20:16
  Suffer now need to heal from their invisible wounds to
• 1:20:21
  protect and to defend our homeland.
• 1:20:24
  Our government invest great time and resources to mow, so dealing
• 1:20:28
  with PTSD is something. That requires a.
• 1:20:32
  Sophisticated. Sort of.
• 1:20:34
  Method of self discovery to be able to I wound up in Caldwell
• 1:20:38
  Williams program and everything that they talked about.
• 1:20:40
  Was put to words the. Things.
• 1:20:43
  I felt. That I couldn't say, you know,
• 1:20:46
  the, the information I had gleaned, the personal insights I
• 1:20:49
  had, it was as if someone had already gone through it and had
• 1:20:53
  pieced it all together and understood how a person goes
• 1:20:56
  through the self transformation discovery.
• 1:21:03
  This transition. From having wounds into using
• 1:21:07
  them to become whole and complete.
• 1:21:09
  And that's what Caldwell Williams program does.
• 1:21:12
  Our medical science community has.
• 1:21:13
  Only begun to recognize the climate of these wounds and this
• 1:21:18
  the 21st century, to mold these malleable youth into weapons of
• 1:21:22
  war, no less. Time and resources are.
• 1:21:26
  Needed to stop their self destruction.
• 1:21:30
  We initiate veteran healing and self-reliance.
• 1:21:34
  This enables them to launch a successful civilian journey
• 1:21:38
  together. We civilians can do this.
• 1:21:44
  We are the new. Breed and we.
• 1:21:46
  Are going to change that and we can't wait for you to join us.
• 1:21:49
  We have found a program that is helping us heal.
• 1:21:51
  Our invisible wounds. We are willing to do the work,
• 1:21:55
  but we need your help. Please donate.
• 1:22:00
  You are now all right.
• 1:22:12
  Welcome back to the. Frondose Show Trench Talk
• 1:22:15
  Edition I hope that you've enjoyed this 1st 90 minutes
• 1:22:21
  again if you decide to be a. Guest or you choose to be a.
• 1:22:25
  Guest, these are the conversations that we have here.
• 1:22:28
  Life before, during and after service.
• 1:22:30
  Today I have gifts just giving you a little bit of, of my life
• 1:22:34
  before service. And as we talked about in the
• 1:22:37
  beginning, most of us grew up in some environment where we have
• 1:22:41
  these complex stressors, post traumatic they call them, but
• 1:22:48
  complex complexes from your environment.
• 1:22:51
  You heard one of the gentlemen say he, he, it wasn't just his
• 1:22:54
  military experience. There was some things that he
• 1:22:56
  was dealing with before that came up later.
• 1:23:01
  Same here. It wasn't until my 40s that I
• 1:23:06
  started this. Journey.
• 1:23:07
  I'm 54, so 14 years I've been at it peeling off these layers all
• 1:23:12
  the way back to my childhood 2 year old decision that I made.
• 1:23:18
  With barely having any language. Emotional.
• 1:23:25
  So if you want more information you want.
• 1:23:27
  To, you know, find out what's going on right there is my, you
• 1:23:31
  know, Instagram at Frondos. And if you want to be a guest,
• 1:23:35
  just go there, hit me up, send me a message.
• 1:23:39
  I'm always open to interview people from all different areas,
• 1:23:44
  all different branches. Children of veterans, if you
• 1:23:47
  have a resource that you help veterans with, you're more than
• 1:23:50
  welcome as well to come and share that resource.
• 1:23:55
  But it's our turn all. Right.
• 1:23:59
  And I've, I've, I've done my work.
• 1:24:02
  I'm, I'm, I'm still peeling off layers.
• 1:24:05
  Still, I just had a presentation last Thursday labeled, labeled
• 1:24:09
  as shattered, shattered thoughts.
• 1:24:12
  And I got healing from my own conversation, sharing my story
• 1:24:17
  with the people at that event. I know it's difficult to want
• 1:24:27
  to. Feel that pain, but it's not
• 1:24:31
  pain. It's not pain.
• 1:24:37
  Do your research, go to the VAI did cognitive behavior at the
• 1:24:44
  VAA lot of. That that education.
• 1:24:48
  That I did a couple of years back helped me grab my thoughts.
• 1:24:51
  You got to understand how powerful the brain is.
• 1:24:57
  Understand that what we teach is objectification, how we
• 1:24:59
  objectify another person to be a terrorist or to be a color or
• 1:25:04
  whatever that is, and then we talk to people from those
• 1:25:07
  perspectives. As a label.
• 1:25:12
  Mental health is a. Label.
• 1:25:14
  But what is? What is after you peel off the
• 1:25:16
  label of mental health? What is that for you?
• 1:25:18
  Mine is mental toughness. Like the stuff that I'm not a,
• 1:25:21
  I'm a, I'm a patient advocate. I'm not a therapist.
• 1:25:24
  I'm not trying to be a therapist.
• 1:25:26
  I'm a patient advocate. I share my story.
• 1:25:28
  I share my testimony of what I discovered for myself and if the
• 1:25:32
  other people are willing to look in their life, then you might be
• 1:25:35
  able to discover yours. And even with the education that
• 1:25:39
  we have is not for us to tell you what it is, it's for you to
• 1:25:44
  discover it. Just like when you first got
• 1:25:47
  balance and you learn how to walk.
• 1:25:49
  After all the times that your parents or your loved ones
• 1:25:52
  picked you up off the floor and stood you up and called you to
• 1:25:54
  come forward and walk to them. And you fell down and you got
• 1:25:58
  up. And one day you got up on your
• 1:26:01
  own and you've never lost that balance.
• 1:26:05
  Imagine that's how it feels when you discover what your emotional
• 1:26:10
  fractures are. Because when you.
• 1:26:13
  Discover it no one can. Take that away from you, the
• 1:26:17
  Bible. Says your truth.
• 1:26:19
  Will set you free. But you've got to figure out how
• 1:26:24
  to get to your truth. I I was tired of pretending like
• 1:26:30
  I was OK. I was tired of pretending like I
• 1:26:34
  was. I was fine and I wasn't.
• 1:26:40
  I was 39. Coming into 40 and this, I was
• 1:26:45
  just like, it's got to be a better life than this.
• 1:26:51
  But you have to be willing not. Everybody's willing.
• 1:26:54
  I, I pray that the best that I can do is plant these seeds and
• 1:26:58
  maybe soften your heart enough that you heard something for
• 1:27:02
  yourself, that you go and take a look for yourself and see where
• 1:27:06
  that coming, see where that's coming from.
• 1:27:08
  I love my mom, I love my dad, but they got on my nerve.
• 1:27:15
  I had to look and see why did they get on my.
• 1:27:17
  Nerve. Guess what?
• 1:27:19
  It wasn't even them. It was me.
• 1:27:24
  It's how I viewed my mom and dad.
• 1:27:26
  It's the stories that I made-up in my complex post traumatic
• 1:27:30
  stress disorder errors and my mom.
• 1:27:34
  Doesn't my mom abandoned me and. She doesn't love me and my dad
• 1:27:36
  doesn't love me. And the peer age decision by 16,
• 1:27:44
  man, this is my life was here at 16.
• 1:27:48
  It went from here by two years old, one years old, and then
• 1:27:52
  each, each decision that I made about who I had to be to survive
• 1:27:55
  those pains got closed off. And I can see nothing else but
• 1:27:59
  right here. And it was I wasn't good enough,
• 1:28:02
  I wasn't worth it. I wasn't smarter, but whatever.
• 1:28:07
  And then I joined the service. And if you don't think that
• 1:28:14
  those carry over, you heard it for yourself in some of those
• 1:28:19
  clips. And this is.
• 1:28:22
  Not a right or wrong, a good or bad.
• 1:28:23
  Conversation. We talked about mental.
• 1:28:29
  Toughness, we talked about mental health, we talked about
• 1:28:31
  emotional intelligence, We talked about all these kind of
• 1:28:34
  labels. I'm done talking about it.
• 1:28:41
  I'm here to talk from it. You could talk about life, or
• 1:28:44
  you could talk from life, and it's easy to talk about life
• 1:28:47
  from a victimized conversation in a victimized language or talk
• 1:28:51
  from it and tell the truth about how you and why you feel the way
• 1:28:55
  you feel and. I know that it's difficult.
• 1:29:00
  Because our minds are already wounded from experiences and
• 1:29:03
  past experiences and I don't want to be judged.
• 1:29:06
  Or worst case, worse. Worse than being.
• 1:29:09
  Judged is having. Your story being slandered.
• 1:29:12
  Slander. You know what slander is?
• 1:29:15
  Slander is when they tell your secrets and somebody takes it
• 1:29:18
  and tell somebody else your secrets, your deepest thoughts.
• 1:29:25
  So we don't, we don't want to be judged.
• 1:29:28
  And I definitely don't want to have my name slandered.
• 1:29:33
  But then who am I if I can't be who I am or who I say that I am?
• 1:29:41
  Shame. Embarrassment, Disappointment.
• 1:29:46
  A diminished. Experience of myself.
• 1:29:48
  Despair, self loathing and mine is why bother?
• 1:29:56
  And if it gets to, why bother? Then as we know our brothers and
• 1:30:01
  sisters, we know those numbers. So next week I will come back
• 1:30:11
  and we will talk about or talk from life during service who
• 1:30:21
  that's going to be something, but I hope you enjoyed it.
• 1:30:25
  I really appreciate you. This is the front dosage show
• 1:30:28
  right here on MBR who a space that they're giving veterans a
• 1:30:34
  voice. I don't know what else to say.
• 1:30:35
  I got some PSA to play and then I'm going to get out of here.
• 1:30:38
  It's been 90 minutes. Again, thanks for your time.
• 1:30:41
  I'll come back and say bye right after these commercial breaks.
• 1:31:09
  He's good. Yeah.
• 1:31:13
  What's the note? You really want to know?
• 1:31:20
  I do. Exhaustion.
• 1:31:25
  Muscle spasm. Asthmatic issues Unexpected
• 1:31:29
  sickle cell trait trait. Damn, are you serious?
• 1:31:32
  When I was. Young I found out I had sickle
• 1:31:34
  cell trait. My mom's told.
• 1:31:36
  Me, but I didn't have no knowledge of it, but when I got.
• 1:31:38
  Older, I had a child and the doctor.
• 1:31:40
  Told me my daughter. Has sickle cell trait.
• 1:31:42
  You know, the fact that both parents have.
• 1:31:44
  Sickle cell trait, there's a 50% chance the child may have the
• 1:31:46
  trait and 25% chance the child may have the disease and that's
• 1:31:50
  what's the count. Do you know that 2.5 million
• 1:31:53
  people in the United States have sickle cell trait?
• 1:31:55
  300 million people globally. I didn't find out I had sickle
• 1:31:57
  cell trait until I was in the Army 10 years.
• 1:32:00
  Next thing you know, I had a sickle cell trait.
• 1:32:01
  Exertion site April. So I thought that was a black
• 1:32:05
  gene or something. Nah, man.
• 1:32:06
  The black community is number 21 out of 36,000 babies are being
• 1:32:10
  born with sickle cell disease. You could be Caucasian,
• 1:32:13
  Mediterranean, European. You're already a bloodline man.
• 1:32:19
  There is an inherited gene in our community.
• 1:32:21
  That has been forgotten. The name is Sickle cell trait.
• 1:32:24
  WDCONSCT, also known as What's the Count, is out to bring
• 1:32:28
  awareness, education and prevention to people all over
• 1:32:32
  the globe. Want more information?
• 1:32:34
  Call us now at 323-215-5384 or visit www.wdconsct.org.
• 1:32:53
  Some of us still carry the. Burden of battle.
• 1:32:56
  It threatens to drown us in our everyday lives.
• 1:33:00
  In battle, we had our weapons and combat gear to keep us safe,
• 1:33:03
  to keep us confident, but when we returned home, we were not
• 1:33:08
  armed with weapons and gear to cope with our own minds.
• 1:33:12
  I was lucky to find my combat gear, my mental weapon and it's
• 1:33:16
  called Kamago. Kamago is a drug free device
• 1:33:19
  that allows you to achieve calm in less than 3 minutes and
• 1:33:23
  moments of anxiety, stress, anger, panic or insomnia.
• 1:33:28
  Not with medication, but rather by activating the
• 1:33:31
  parasympathetic nervous system through a breathing regulation
• 1:33:34
  and multi sensory stimulation. A recent study has shown that
• 1:33:37
  Comago decreases PTSD and anxiety levels in Veterans,
• 1:33:41
  helping those who are suffering and having a long lasting
• 1:33:44
  effect. Visit comago.com to learn how
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  you can get Comago through the VA or with a special Veterans
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  discount code. Zootobia salve made.
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  From natural and organic ingredients good for
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  inflammation, poor circulation, hemorrhoids, yeast infection,
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  to purchase at botanicaherbalco.com.
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  BOTANICAHERBAL co.com. Botanicaherbalco.com.
• 1:34:24
  Do you remember studying sickle cell in?
• 1:34:26
  Biology class What's the count on?
• 1:34:28
  Sickle Cell Trait Prevention is here to bring you awareness,
• 1:34:31
  education and prevention conversations around the risk
• 1:34:34
  factors of this inherited gene. Visit WDCON sct.org.
• 1:34:42
  Muchas Enos osros Nos vermos. Affectados Portland fermeda de
• 1:34:46
  Cellulas Fasciformes a diario in numero crecientes implemented
• 1:34:51
  onos Amos cuenta Los impactos esten fermeda affect anato de
• 1:34:55
  Las personas en especialmente a Las personas de color econante
• 1:34:59
  cedentes diversos esta Ren SER Visio cor migo econos de mas
• 1:35:03
  amedida que creamos una major conciencia sobre como
• 1:35:08
  identificad EDI rejir El tratamiento de Los rasgos de
• 1:35:12
  cerulas Fasiformes. Yehudara Las familias azaber
• 1:35:16
  como supera El trastorno de cellulas Fasiformes.
• 1:35:21
  Do bleju de southeast. ON ES TuneIn to the Ferran.
• 1:35:28
  Dosier show on. KC A Radio One O 6.5 FM 1050 AM
• 1:35:32
  also streaming from the KCA radio.com website on Sunday
• 1:35:36
  nights at 8:00 PM Pacific Time. Brought to you by Sports
• 1:35:39
  Collective TV, Sports Collective radio and Sports Collective
• 1:35:43
  media. We got the heme factor, we got
• 1:35:45
  in the zone and we got 4th down and the 22nd time out sports
• 1:35:49
  segment all for you right here on the Ferran Dosier Show.
• 1:35:52
  KCA Radio One O 6.5 FM 1050 AM also streaming from the KCA
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  radio.com website with my guest host Robert Lamar and coach will
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  catch us on sports collective media on Instagram and Facebook.
• 1:36:06
  And make sure you watch us Sunday nights at 8:00 PM on KCA
• 1:36:09
  Radio One O 6.5 FM 1050 AM also streaming from the KCA radio.com
• 1:36:15
  website. Music, talk sports and so much
• 1:36:18
  more and Ferran Dosier show. My name is Anne Halley.
• 1:37:30
  I am the. CEO and founder of the
• 1:37:32
  Rhabdomyelosis Foundation. I founded the organization in
• 1:37:36
  2022 in an effort to support survivors and fund medical
• 1:37:41
  related research. If you're interested in getting
• 1:37:44
  involved with our organization, you can visit
• 1:37:47
  ourwebsite@therabdofoundation.org. You can sign up as a volunteer
• 1:37:54
  or you can support our organization by donating
• 1:37:56
  directly on our website and all proceeds we'll go to Support
• 1:38:00
  Survivors and Medical Research. This is Ferran from the Ferrand
• 1:38:07
  Dosier show. 8:00 PM Pacific Time on KCAA Radio 106.5 FM 1050
• 1:38:13
  AM. Also streaming from the KCAA
• 1:38:16
  red.com website, The station that leaves no listener behind,
• 1:38:20
  and NBR Radio. That's right, NBR Radio on all
• 1:38:24
  their streaming platforms, including NBR Radio on Roku TV,
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  Sunday Nights Live, 8:00 PM Pacific Time on KCAA Radio and
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  NBR Radio dot US the Ferran Dosier show.
• 1:38:36
  For more information, search for on d.com.
• 1:38:44
  All right. Again, thank you for tuning,
• 1:38:45
  listening in today's. Episode life before, during, and
• 1:38:48
  after military service this is my life before service we went
• 1:38:52
  all the way back to the childhood ages a lot of things I
• 1:38:56
  discovered about myself 10 decisions I made in my. 1st 40
• 1:39:02
  years of my life. That no wonder I didn't.
• 1:39:07
  I thought that my mom and my dad didn't care for me and that my
• 1:39:11
  peers. I couldn't trust people, the
• 1:39:13
  relationships that I damaged. All that stuff happened before
• 1:39:17
  service, right? So I'm just saying that we've
• 1:39:21
  got to be able to to look at that for ourself and tell the
• 1:39:24
  truth. It's our turn to do the work to
• 1:39:28
  break the cycle. I don't like generational
• 1:39:31
  curses. I learned them as generational
• 1:39:33
  consequences because if we don't take responsibility.
• 1:39:37
  For our life. And and and forgive our
• 1:39:42
  ancestors and our grandparents and my parent and our parents.
• 1:39:46
  You carry that weight silently, emotionally.
• 1:39:50
  It comes out of our behavior and we wonder why life looks the way
• 1:39:54
  it looks like. You have to understand how the
• 1:39:56
  brain operates, the memory patterns, the perception
• 1:40:01
  patterns and the action patterns of how powerful that brain is
• 1:40:06
  making up stories to keep us safe and survive life.
• 1:40:11
  We. Think it's protecting us?
• 1:40:13
  But it's all and which it is. But it's also hurting us.
• 1:40:19
  So we talk about mental health, we talk about mental.
• 1:40:21
  Toughness. We talk about emotional
• 1:40:22
  intelligence, all that label stuff, but what does that mean
• 1:40:26
  to you? What does your life look like up
• 1:40:28
  against those principles? And so I had to get a new
• 1:40:34
  ideology. Had to get a new philosophy and
• 1:40:38
  I had to get a new theology. Yeah, I had to go find God for
• 1:40:41
  myself. I had to challenge the 1st 40
• 1:40:43
  years of my life. And then also I had to figure
• 1:40:46
  out why does I? Why do I think the way that I
• 1:40:48
  think? Like I had to go and do that
• 1:40:52
  work. Myself.
• 1:40:56
  But the part of it was I was willing.
• 1:40:59
  Not everybody's willing to look. It's painful.
• 1:41:01
  It was. It was.
• 1:41:03
  I thought it was painful to look, but when I put myself in a
• 1:41:07
  conversation that I trusted and I was willing to use those
• 1:41:11
  principles up against how I felt about myself, I was able.
• 1:41:16
  To tell the truth, I was. Able to discover that my
• 1:41:19
  perception was corrupted, my perception of myself was
• 1:41:27
  corrupted, my perception of my environment as a child
• 1:41:32
  corrupted. Children have no concept of time
• 1:41:37
  in those early ages. All they know is they want your
• 1:41:40
  time. Though let's believe that child
• 1:41:42
  wants your time. But what we make it mean?
• 1:41:46
  What we make life mean? That brain is developing.
• 1:41:50
  It's giving meaning to life. So I equate my ideology.
• 1:41:56
  To counter the behavior to the Goal Tenders platform that we
• 1:42:00
  talked about and where my thoughts are coming from and I
• 1:42:04
  look at my ideology from this perspective.
• 1:42:06
  I heard this and I and I, I use this conversation as in
• 1:42:12
  baseball. So if you athlete, if you do no
• 1:42:14
  sports baseball, we talk about baseball as in baseball, the
• 1:42:20
  empire calls that pitch a ball or strike, right.
• 1:42:23
  So if the Empire calls that pitch a ball or strike, no
• 1:42:27
  matter what the coach says, no matter what the pitcher says, no
• 1:42:31
  matter what the catcher says, no matter what the fans say, that
• 1:42:35
  pitch doesn't mean anything until the umpire calls it a ball
• 1:42:41
  or a strike. Imagine if you lived your life
• 1:42:45
  like the umpire that you don't let.
• 1:42:48
  Nobody give meaning to. Your life until you give it
• 1:42:52
  meaning for your life. Because.
• 1:42:55
  People have opinions and people will come up to you.
• 1:42:57
  With different opinions and different things and how you
• 1:42:59
  should do and what you should be like and all this.
• 1:43:02
  And yeah, you could be like, yeah, you know what?
• 1:43:04
  Why do you think I should act like that?
• 1:43:05
  Why do you think I should be like that?
• 1:43:09
  But at the end of the day. You're the umpire of your life,
• 1:43:12
  so you give the meaning that gives you power and strength,
• 1:43:17
  not a meaning that defeats you. Be the.
• 1:43:21
  Umpire of your life. My philosophy now this is about
• 1:43:28
  airplanes. Put your mindset in the
• 1:43:30
  airplanes context of airplane. A plane in autopilot self
• 1:43:35
  corrects you ever been on a on an airplane?
• 1:43:38
  They put it in autopilot, right? A plane.
• 1:43:41
  In autopilot self. Corrects.
• 1:43:43
  It's never on course. Live your.
• 1:43:47
  Life like the auto. Correcting system.
• 1:43:52
  So what is that system? That the airplanes have that
• 1:43:56
  when they put it in autopilot, that this system corrects the
• 1:44:02
  direction it's going automatically because the plane
• 1:44:06
  is always or it says. Never on course.
• 1:44:12
  But there's a system that allows that plane to get back on course
• 1:44:16
  and keeps it on course. What is that system that you
• 1:44:20
  live from that autocorrects your behavior, that autocorrects your
• 1:44:25
  attitude, that autocorrects how you act, that has you say, you
• 1:44:35
  know what? Please forgive me, I did not
• 1:44:36
  mean to say that like that. Let me start over.
• 1:44:40
  Instead of saying what you want to say because.
• 1:44:42
  You got the right to say it, and then you walk away and you know
• 1:44:45
  that what you said was diminishing and damaging to that
• 1:44:47
  person, but you don't even have the courage to go back and
• 1:44:50
  apologize. Or what if you do apologize so
• 1:44:54
  much that you never change your behavior?
• 1:44:55
  And so now your kids don't want to talk to you or they don't
• 1:44:58
  believe what you have to say because all you do is apologize.
• 1:45:01
  But you never change your behavior.
• 1:45:05
  What's your philosophy that? Autocorrects your character for
• 1:45:09
  me. That's the Bible, that's the
• 1:45:12
  Holy Spirit. That was landmark.
• 1:45:15
  Landmark taught me principles that what it is to be a human
• 1:45:19
  being and I started to correct my attitude as a human being.
• 1:45:28
  And for my theology. It's the Kingdom principles.
• 1:45:32
  And my theology statement is as much as we are told we are
• 1:45:36
  social beings in the human experience because we are
• 1:45:39
  social, human beings are social beings.
• 1:45:41
  We are naturally social, but as. Much as we are told, we are
• 1:45:46
  social. Beings in the human experience,
• 1:45:49
  the spirit has an additional conversation about this walk and
• 1:45:53
  it can be alone from man but present with God.
• 1:45:58
  So there's a part of you that, yes, wants to be.
• 1:46:00
  Social, but then your spirit wants to be connected to God,
• 1:46:04
  and that walk is by yourself. As much as we are told we are.
• 1:46:11
  Social beings in the human experience, the spirit has an
• 1:46:16
  additional conversation about this walk that can be alone from
• 1:46:20
  man but present with God. And I learned that from the
• 1:46:25
  biblical principles, the Kingdom principles.
• 1:46:28
  So now when my mind wants to go into those spaces of where I'm
• 1:46:33
  not good enough or I'm not worth it or I don't feel like why am I
• 1:46:36
  born? Why am I here?
• 1:46:38
  I have 3 new. Principles.
• 1:46:42
  Sets of foundation. Skills that I've added to my old
• 1:46:46
  thoughts. The old thoughts are still
• 1:46:47
  there. They ain't never go away.
• 1:46:48
  They may never go away. I may always think about myself
• 1:46:52
  as not being worth it or good enough.
• 1:46:54
  But now that I have new information and I trust and I
• 1:46:57
  know and I've used those principles and I've experienced
• 1:47:00
  myself as a as a greater person, as a better person, as a freeing
• 1:47:06
  experience of myself, Now I have those three things in there that
• 1:47:11
  I could pull from. So I just take a second to think
• 1:47:14
  about where's that thought coming from?
• 1:47:16
  Oh, that's the old thought from when I was a child.
• 1:47:18
  That's not who I am today. Oh.
• 1:47:21
  Who am I being? Right now, am I being angry or
• 1:47:24
  can I be patient? Can I be calmness or can I be
• 1:47:28
  frustrated? And ultimately, my spirit leads
• 1:47:34
  my life, not my subconscious mind.
• 1:47:37
  The biblical battle is there's. A battle between the.
• 1:47:39
  Mind and the spirit, the subconscious mind and the
• 1:47:44
  spirit, and they don't get along.
• 1:47:48
  They're not on the same page. So the more that I practice
• 1:47:51
  these principles and apply these to my life, I can align my soul,
• 1:47:55
  my wine, my mind willing, and emotions as close as possible to
• 1:47:59
  what my spirit believes in. The closer I get those together,
• 1:48:04
  the closer they live by those same principles.
• 1:48:07
  Sometimes you got to cut. Out some of the stuff that you.
• 1:48:09
  Listen to. You can't listen to five
• 1:48:10
  different things. You let your emotions live your,
• 1:48:16
  live your. Life or you going to let your
• 1:48:18
  spirit who wants to be free and love and share and and give and
• 1:48:23
  and be kind to people when your subconscious mind is fractured
• 1:48:27
  with upset and disappointment and shame and embarrassment, you
• 1:48:31
  have a choice. You have a choice to get who and
• 1:48:37
  who you get to be. When you show up.
• 1:48:40
  So this is the first episode next.
• 1:48:42
  Week life during service. We're going to talk about my 24
• 1:48:48
  years of military experience and how I got to be in front of you
• 1:48:51
  today. Shall I saw what's the kind?
• 1:48:53
  I appreciate y'all for listening and tuning in.
• 1:48:56
  If you want information, I mean for rond.com, you can go there.
• 1:49:00
  We got banners over here. We go to frondy.com right there.
• 1:49:03
  We got frondy.com right there. We got sickle cell trait right
• 1:49:07
  there. For more information, we got LBI
• 1:49:10
  solutions somewhere down here, right there.
• 1:49:12
  You can go to lbisolutions.com For more information and find
• 1:49:16
  out what we're up to as far as our veteran conversation.
• 1:49:20
  All right, I appreciate y'all shall follow us to count.
• 1:49:24
  Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for tuning.
• 1:49:27
  In to. Military broadcast radio as we
• 1:49:31
  wrap up today's show we want to remind you that the podcast of
• 1:49:36
  today's episode will be available right after we go off
• 1:49:40
  the air so if you missed any part of the show or want to
• 1:49:44
  listen again be sure to check it out and remember we're.
• 1:49:49
  Here. To support and honor our
• 1:49:53
  veterans. Your.
• 1:49:54
  Stories and experiences matter, and we are committed.
• 1:49:58
  To giving you a platform to share them.
• 1:50:02
  That's right. We're here.
• 1:50:04
  To give our veterans a voice. So don't forget to catch the
• 1:50:07
  podcast and stay connected with us giving our veterans.
• 1:50:12
  A voice.