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Less No, More Yes: Building Cooperation without the Battle · The Inspired Speaker Network

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  Welcome to the Guiding Parent Podcast, where you'll find the mindset and tools to parent with
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  greater confidence, clarity, and purpose, even when there aren't any easy answers. Together,
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  we're going to explore how to better nurture and guide our children to support who they are and
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  who they're becoming so that they can fulfill their unique potential and thrive in our ever-changing
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  world. I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host, parenting and early childhood educator, mom, and most fun,
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  yammy. And I'm Shannon, your co-host. I'm Tammy's daughter and mom to a very energetic little dude
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  called H. We're glad you're here. Let's get started. So what if I told you that I almost
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  never tell my child no? Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say you are an overly permissive
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  parent with a spoiled kid. But I don't know why we do have this feeling that, you know,
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  we always have to say no. It's kind of like for many of us as parents, it's like this default
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  response that we have to say no. I don't know if we feel like, you know, we have to be in control
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  or we're afraid of spoiling our kids, but that does just seem to be like part of parenting is
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  having to say no. Actually, though, you know, I really didn't end up telling you no very often
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  either. And I didn't end up super spoiled.
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  I don't think so. But I do remember telling you, and this was much later when you were a teenager,
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  I do remember telling you that if you couldn't take it when I said no, that maybe you needed
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  more practice with my giving you reason to hear no. You didn't like that very much. I certainly
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  wouldn't say that to a very young child, but that was when you were lots older. And, you know,
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  there certainly are times that we do need to say no, but there's a happy medium in how we do that.
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  There's a lot of power in saying yes. In fact, we have an article in the gift vault that's all
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  about the power of saying yes. But we're going to talk kind of about what that looks like and how
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  we can turn no into yes. And it may seem kind of like silly or like we're, you know, being
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  hypercritical around language, but this is one of those weird instances where I feel like it really,
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  really, really makes a huge difference in preventing things like power struggles and,
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  you know, where our words really do matter. You can avoid that battle and I feel like it
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  minimizes resistance and it can create a connection. Absolutely. It makes us feel
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  like we're on the same team and not in opposition. You know, it creates cooperation.
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  It's really hard to argue with yes. You know, if I say yes, you know, even if it's yes but
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  or yes and it's kind of hard to argue with that. So it kind of gets us out of that power struggle
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  mode. So, you know, to give some examples of what this actually looks like, if you have a child
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  who comes to you and says, mom, I really want a cookie. And obviously it's three minutes before
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  dinner. You're not going to give your kid a cookie. So say yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.
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  Or if you're running through the living room and we need them to not be running through the
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  living room. Instead of saying no running, we can say you can run when we get to the playground.
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  So there's a lot of ways where we can kind of, you know, just turn these
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  no's into a yes when or a yes, you know, or, you know, something needs to be achieved. And then
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  obviously the answer can be yes. So another example is like if you're trying to get,
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  if your child wants to do something, but there's something that needs to be done,
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  done ahead of time, like they want to watch a show, you can say, yes, you can watch the show
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  after the toys are picked up. And that way you're going to have a win-win because you're also going
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  to get, you're also going to get the toys picked up or whatever it is that needs to, needs to
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  happen first. And there could, you know, not to say there won't be any resistance, but you're
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  certainly going to minimize the resistance when, when things are stated in more of a positive like
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  that. You know, we need to realize that we don't need to be the power that, you know, kids do need
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  boundaries, absolutely. But we, we want to empower our kids. So we need to help them to know what to
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  do so that they can get what they want in an appropriate way, as well as when they can't,
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  how to deal with that disappointment. Yeah. And so, you know, part of that is turning us into
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  no's and then another aspect may be finding places where you don't actually have to say no.
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  Is this something that you are saying no to because it's safety concern or, you know,
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  something that really, really matters? Or are you saying no, because it's obnoxious, you know,
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  we want to focus on the ones where it's actually dangerous rather than, you know, picking a battle
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  over something that, you know, just kind of hurts you. That being said, you know, from the outside
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  looking in, there may be rules that you have in your family that are valid and they might look
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  ridiculous from the outside looking in. That's still valid. I know for our family, one of the,
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  you know, random rules we have is no whistling in the car. To the point that I was driving
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  somewhere the other day with my son and one of his friends and his little buddy starts whistling
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  and my kid was like, oh, but we can't whistle in the car. Mom's brain will explode. And, you know,
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  so the reasoning behind that is that I have some auditory sensitivities and it's really,
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  really hard for me to drive if I hear that sound in the backseat. And so, you know, we can kind of
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  maybe it becomes a safety consideration, but really it's just something that I have a really
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  hard time handling. And it's still obviously fine to have rules like that that are unique
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  to your family and to different circumstances. And I think it is dangerous if your brain explodes.
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  But it's also a great way to teach our kids that like we have these rules, not just for them,
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  but for our entire family to create, you know, something that feels good for everybody rather
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  than just, you know, you can whistle in the backseat because you want to with no consideration
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  for other people. Right. And that is part of what we're what we want to make sure we're teaching
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  is that, you know, things that apply to our family and make our family as an interconnected
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  whole and that we're all taking care of each other. Yeah. And so if you have rules in place
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  that help prevent a situation where you're going to build resentment or you're going to have to
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  deal with your brain exploding or something like that, then those are absolutely considerations
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  that you take into account. Like maybe it's something that sometimes, you know, you can
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  handle and other times you need to, you know, they do not right now. Yeah, absolutely. You know,
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  when kids do as much as we want to make sure that we give kids the opportunity to hear yes,
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  and that we're not always negating, thwarting their efforts and, you know, being in that default mode
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  of just, you know, kind of saying no. Our kids also do really have to be able to accept when we
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  do say no. Like I used to tell you, you know, if you can't accept it when I do, maybe you need more
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  practice. But there's also, besides saying no and being able for our kids to be able to accept that,
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  part of that is letting them know why, why there is a particular reason. Like, you know, H knows
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  there's the reason behind this supposedly or, you know, maybe on the surface looking silly rule that
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  we don't whistle in the car. He knows why that's important. So we want to make sure that besides
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  saying no, we're letting our kids understand what's behind that. And when we do that, we also
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  make it more likely that we'll gain cooperation because they have some understanding. And we're
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  also, you know, modeling decision-making and we're sharing what goes into making that decision. So
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  they're starting to learn things like cause and effect, perspective taking, you know, safety
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  considerations, you know, those kinds of pieces that, that all come into the decisions that we
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  make. Yeah. And I was, you know, we were talking about this a couple of weeks ago and it kind of,
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  you know, has just been in the back of my brain spinning around. And one of the things I realized
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  is not only, you know, are you getting these sort of cause and effects when you explain rules,
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  but it's also a way to reinforce like your family values. And so like, I know last weekend,
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  Henry had one of his friends over and he really wanted a milkshake, which is typically something
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  that's fine, you know, on a Friday evening, but we didn't have very much ice cream. And so I had
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  to say no. And then I explained to him like, Hey, we don't have enough, you know, ice cream to make
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  two milkshakes. So you're going to have to wait until your friend leaves because it's not okay
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  to have something like that in front of a friend without also, you know, having that for your
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  friends. And we had another, you know, similar situation where we were at the beach and one of
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  the aunties had watermelon. And so each loves watermelon, had a bite and then wanted more.
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  And I was like, bud, there's five pieces of watermelon for 10 people. Like you can't have
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  seconds when everybody hasn't already had firsts. And so it's just another way to, you know,
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  reinforce those kinds of values that you want centered in your family life.
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  When you provide more explanation. Right. And, you know, I know for a lot of families,
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  especially when we bring siblings into the, into the mix that can create, you know, there's a lot
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  of that, a lot more opportunities for considering everybody's, everybody's feelings and why they
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  can't do certain things, you know, and that's all part of a learning experience of gaining
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  that empathy and learning to consider other people's, you know, other people's feelings.
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  I remember when your younger, your younger siblings were, were little and often the boys
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  might want to do something that they didn't really want their little sister involved in.
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  And so they would very obviously exclude her. And so they had to learn, you know,
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  we had to have conversations around, yeah, you can, you know, play on your own without her,
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  but you can't, you can't just, you know, intentionally exclude her in a way that
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  brings it up to her because that hurts her feelings. And so it's all a part of a process of,
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  of helping them understand, you know, the whys and what's going on in terms of other people and
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  consideration of other people. And that's part of, you know, one of the reasons we think we have to,
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  we have to say no and our kids have to, you know, do certain things or, you know, just
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  take them, take a no without any, any question is because we think we have to teach manners,
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  but we can, we do better job teaching manners when we're explaining the why so they understand
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  what's behind that and the considerations for, you know, for how we have, how we're thinking
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  about other people. Yeah. When you just say, because I said so nobody learns anything. There's
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  no, there's no value add to that statement. And it, you know, for me, at least always felt a lot
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  of frustration. And like, I remember when I was, I had to have been probably like late elementary
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  school, early middle school. And I think that, you know, I had a group of friends going to the
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  beach and I really wanted to go and you had told me no. And so of course I was super annoyed,
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  probably a little bit mad, but you explained it to me that, you know, this wasn't, you know,
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  a family that we knew well, this was a trip to the beach where, you know, obviously this is,
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  you know, there's some safety concerns. If you have, you know, parents, you don't know how well
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  they're going to be watching kids in an environment like that. And so you just laid it out, you know,
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  for me that, you know, your instinct as a parent was saying that this just wasn't a safe thing for
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  me to do. And so you couldn't in good conscience, let me go. And so, yes, I was annoyed. I was mad,
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  but I also understood your reasoning behind it. So I didn't like it, but I also didn't
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  necessarily fight against it as hard as I would have otherwise, because I understood the why.
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  And then I remember, you know, getting older, you know, the teenage years where there's definitely
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  a lot more pushback to being told no. And I would have friends whose parents would,
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  you know, just drop hard no's, like, nope, you can't do it. And no explanation. And so
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  they did it anyways, because, you know, it just made them become more sneaky. And so they still
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  got what they wanted to do. And there was no little voice in the back of their head with
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  the explanation of why that wasn't a safe behavior or why something, you know, shouldn't be acceptable.
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  It was just no. And so, yeah, we did it anyways. Right. Well, and really think about, you know,
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  toddlers are the big, the ones that are always saying no. But really, the toddler and the
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  teen years are kind of parallel stages of development. During both of those times,
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  kids are really trying to develop their autonomy. And so they need the opportunities to have some
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  power and to be able to do the things that they're trying to do. So it's especially important
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  that we explain why and that we also provide ways for them to figure things out. And if there is a
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  way for them to get to what they're trying to do. You know, kids aren't necessarily being defiant.
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  You know, they're trying to figure out how to get what they want, how to meet a desire or want.
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  And we really need to think about if our child is becoming exceptionally defiant,
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  how much are we saying no? Are we saying no all the time? Are we continually thwarting their
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  efforts towards, you know, towards that autonomy and independence? And modeling saying no.
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  And what? And modeling saying no. If all you hear is no, then that's what you know how to say.
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  Yeah, that's especially for two-year-olds. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, our kids absolutely
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  need boundaries and they need limits. But we don't want to go to the extreme either, you know,
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  with being overly permissive. So we're not about, you know, saying, well, always,
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  you know, always have these, always say yes, or always have these big discussions about it.
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  Sometimes no just has to be, has to be no. Limits have to provide safety. You know,
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  they provide a sense of security and they, and they're, you know, it's up to us to guide
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  development. So we really do need to also set the tone that sometimes no just means no. And
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  we explain why, and we can also provide opportunities for them to work with us on
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  things, but they need, there are times when it just, that's just the way it is. You know, kids
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  need to learn to deal with this disappointment, but they, when, when they hear no and when there
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  isn't further discussion, but it's with our support, you know, that they learn to be resilient
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  in the face of disappointment. And, you know, we all have disappointments in life. So it's time,
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  you know, we need to practice at the, at the beginning. If we're always just saying,
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  you know, yes, whatever, do what you want. Our kids aren't learning, learning how to deal with
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  when things don't go the way they, they want them to. And those emotions though, that they feel,
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  those emotions are okay. You know, we often want to, want to make everything okay. Make them happy,
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  not let them, not let them be upset. But disappointment comes with big emotions. It
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  comes with feeling sad. Doesn't mean we're going to change our minds. You know, when we need to
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  stay, stick with that, then, you know, we don't change our minds, but we can sit with them in
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  that emotion. We can help co-regulate for little ones that need that support. And when they do
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  have those really big emotions and they do get really upset when they can't get what they want,
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  it doesn't mean they're spoiled. It means they're working through, through that. It's a process. And
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  again, it depends on development. You know, the very, the very younger, the younger child,
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  the more difficult those big emotions and that disappointment will be.
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  Well, to a point, because we also know like, how do adults sometimes deal with disappointment?
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  Sometimes adults have big emotions when they're disappointed as well.
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  I think that we have this idea that, you know, children should be able to regulate all the time
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  and have expectations on them that are ridiculous if you put the same on an adult. Right. And so,
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  you know, I, you know, things happen. I get disappointed and sometimes they cry about it.
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  So yeah, it's just part of, you know, it's part of being human. It is. And so in addition,
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  I think to them learning how to deal with being told no, I think also we need to make sure that
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  we're empowering our kids to be able to say no. You know, sometimes, sometimes there's times where
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  it's really, really important. And, you know, for our little tiny guys, especially those two and
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  three year olds, establishing that sense of autonomy is literally like their job at that
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  age. It's a huge part of their development. And so it's not necessarily, I mean, it can read as
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  defiance or, you know, whatever spoiled, whatever we want to call it, but really it's development.
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  And so, you know, again, we're not necessarily going to change our mind. We're not going to let
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  them, you know, then get what they want out of it, but we can, you know, just respond with a lot
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  of empathy and recognize like, this is just part of being a little guy. And it's a lot to learn
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  when you're just that small. It is. Yeah. I do think it's kind of a two year old's job to say
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  no. Absolutely. But it, you know, back again to, you know, the modeling, you know, are we saying
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  no all the time? In which case, especially for the little, little, little guys like this, you're
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  going to get a lot more nos yourselves. This is a, you know, for two year olds, especially putting
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  in the yes, win or yes, and really does make a huge, huge difference because it really is just
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  about them trying to be, you know, trying to become independent and they're developing autonomy.
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  We also need to let them, you know, have their own, let our kids have their own ideas and
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  preferences. You know, we all, a lot of parents feel like, you know, we're telling our kids how
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  they should think and feel because we know, we know best, but they're their own little people
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  and they have their own ideas and they have their own preferences. And that's great,
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  even if they're not ours, even if they're different. So, you know, let, let our kids
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  have those and listen and hear what those, what their ideas are. Kids have fascinating
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  information and ideas and insights. They really are. They really are. But that also leads to also,
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  you know, developing problem solving and critical thinking skills, you know,
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  the more that we draw that out from them and listen to their, their thought processes really
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  helps develop that, you know, develop those problem solving skills in them. You were a master
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  at negotiation and I would tell you, you know, no, give you the reason why, and then you would come
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  back with your list of, well, you know, this, this problem, okay, I will resolve it this way,
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  this, okay, I can resolve it this way. And, um, because if it had anything, if I could spin it so
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  that it was like educational, I could almost always change your mind. Almost always. But
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  there were still lots of times when it still meant, you know, no, but you were definitely
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  gaining the ability to learn to compromise and to collaborate. And you were certainly
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  honing those critical thinking skills if you thought of responses to all of my reasons,
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  you know, why something wouldn't, wouldn't work. Yeah. I mean, and sometimes that meant that I would
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  get a, you know, the answer is still no for today, but maybe next time, you know, we can think about
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  this differently or, you know, every once in a while I could like legitimately change your mind
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  in that moment. But most of the time, you know, you still have your boundary and it became a, well,
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  we'll add that to, you know, future considerations kind of thing. You know, that there's been times
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  where, you know, each has wanted something and, you know, we've talked about it and it's been
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  like, all right, you know what? You make a pretty valid point. So for this time, you know, let's
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  do it differently and we'll see if it works. And if it doesn't, then we'll go back to the
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  previous boundary. And if it does, then great. And like, I think it's okay for our kids to see,
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  you know, that we can think about things and potentially change our minds as long as, you
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  know, for the most part boundaries hold. Absolutely. There are definitely times where,
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  you know, you need to be like, we're not going to debate this anymore. You've heard my answer.
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  That's it. That's, you know, that's the end of it. But again, you know, we can teach them
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  appropriate ways to talk about things and make sure that they're, you know, getting what they
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  want out of a situation. Right. Right. Well, and sometimes, you know, it can boil down to
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  they're not developmentally ready yet. So is there a way we can break down skills or processes
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  so that they can learn and, you know, to move in that direction? Or, you know, it's just not the
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  right time or the place. I mean, there's a lot of times ways that we can over time help them to
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  figure out, you know, so that they're learning appropriate ways to get what they want. Because
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  we want to create a growth mindset in our kids. You know, that ability to think, you know, if I
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  work hard at something, I will get it. I can get that. That they'll embrace challenges and keep
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  persisting. You know, that persistence can be really, really annoying when you've said no and
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  your child is still trying to negotiate. But it's also a really valid and important skill to, for
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  life to get what you, you know, to get what you want in life, but to be able to do that appropriately.
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  So we want to support our kids in how to learn appropriate ways to get what they want and to
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  develop the skills that they need so that they can, you know, enable them, empower them to be
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  able to do the things that they're wanting to do. Yeah. And when we support them, you know,
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  in all of this, and then also supporting them being able to say no back to us, you know, there's
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  a respectful way to do that. Kids need to learn how to, you know, we're not trying to get them to
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  just drop like, nope, I'm good. I'm going to go over here. Like there needs to be a respectful
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  way to phrase it and to, you know, push back in a way that's appropriate for your family's values.
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  But, you know, you start with saying that to your parents and then that builds to being able to say
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  it to your peers and, you know, potentially to unsafe adults. And so, you know, we don't want
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  children that 100% acquiesce all the time. That's potentially dangerous for them. And so, you know,
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  there's a whole lot of considerations that we build into them learning how to say no to other people,
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  but it is really, really important. Absolutely. I mean, you know, especially, you know, thinking
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  about those peers, you know, when our friends are making decisions that aren't the best,
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  we want our kids to be able to think for themselves and make a different decision. And if
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  they haven't had practice going against what's being, you know, what they're being told to do
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  in any given moment with support and in an appropriate way, that's going to make it all
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  harder than to say no to peers. And especially think about teenagers when those risky behaviors
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  start. And, you know, we really want them to have the power to say no. I also think about-
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  I know this is something we definitely have seen with H because, you know, I will joke that he's
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  never the one to start the fire, but he will 100% dance around it. Meaning that he's usually not the
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  one to start, you know, veering off course in class or something like that. But once a peer does,
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  he is happy to go along with whatever mischief has been created. And so again, over the last
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  couple of years, this has been a, you know, pretty consistent point of conversation of, you know,
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  if your friends are doing something that isn't okay, you need to not go along with that. And,
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  you know, sometimes that means straight up saying like, hey guys, I'm not going to be a part of this.
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  And sometimes it just means separating yourself from the situation. But I know he came home
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  from school last week and was very pleased with himself that he had walked away from something.
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  And so, you know, watching him struggle through that in elementary school, again,
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  sets him up much better when it's big things as a teenager. And it does take literal years of
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  practice for these kinds of skills to develop and grow. Right. So we do want to start, you know,
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  start young. Plus I think about, you know, as adults, how many of us often will say yes to
• 23:56
  something that we don't really want to do. That we're, you know, we're total people pleasers.
• 24:01
  You know, it's like somebody asked something of us, our plate is already full, but we feel like,
• 24:06
  you know, we have to say yes. We don't want our kids to grow up having that feeling where
• 24:12
  they can't set boundaries for their own sanity, you know, their own selves. So,
• 24:18
  it's really important that we give them that power that they can have their own boundaries.
• 24:23
  They can say no. But again, you know, in an appropriate, polite way. So, you know,
• 24:30
  all in all, we want to support our kids in learning to think things through,
• 24:34
  having the tools to make decisions for themselves, and learning overall that they can get what they
• 24:40
  want out of life, but also at the same time, developing that resiliency to deal with
• 24:45
  disappointment when things don't go their way. So, as we come to an end, we have three tips for you.
• 24:52
  So, the first one is consider asking when you hear no about to come out of your mouth,
• 24:59
  why are you saying no? Is it a safety issue? Would somebody get hurt? Property is going to get
• 25:05
  damaged? Is it a conflict with a family value? But if there isn't really an issue, how could you
• 25:10
  turn the no into a yes? And then the second one is practice changing no into yes. Yes,
• 25:17
  you can have a cookie after dinner, or yes, you can go outside to play after the living room is
• 25:22
  cleaned up. You know, if it's simply just not the time or the place, or developmentally they just
• 25:28
  aren't able yet, think about how you can support your child in growing in that way, so that you can
• 25:34
  collaborate with them that ultimately they can begin to reach their goals. And then third,
• 25:39
  support the no with a why, and then when there are feelings of disappointment, let those feelings
• 25:45
  be okay, and just be there with your child in those feelings. Yeah, and so for our try this,
• 25:52
  I would really just invite you to pay attention when you try these skills. You'll notice a
• 25:58
  difference in energy if you tell your child yes when versus a hard no. You know, do you feel
• 26:03
  different? Does your kiddo feel different? Do you notice a little bit more ease in that relationship?
• 26:08
  As you, you know, try and change your language. And then also, you can try going to our gift vault
• 26:16
  so that you can check out our article, The Power of Yes. Until next time.