Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Stop Pushing and Watch What Changes

Transcript

Stop Pushing and Watch What Changes · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. It's a Friday, which
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: means it's I'll Do Better Tomorrow. Today on the I'll
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Do Better Tomorrow Happy Families podcast, my experience being overseas alone,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: free diving, Kylie says that this has nothing to do
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: with parenting. So I have to go first. Nothing to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: do with parenting at all.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's when you leave. me to do the parenting
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: your children while you go and have a.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Holiday much about parenting while you were here doing the
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: parenting it was amazing.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Plus i think we're the best parents when we're not
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: with our kids.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Mrs happy families has a and i'll do better tomorrow
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: that is all about parenting because that's all she's been
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: doing while i've been away free diving stay with us
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: insights ideas and ways to make your family happier next Hello,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: this is the Happy Families Podcast. My name is Dr.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson. I'm here with my wife and mum to
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: our six kids, Mrs. Happy Families, Kylie. This is the
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: podcast where we give you real parenting solutions every single day. Hey,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: a quick announcement just before we dive into today's content.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Our granddaughter had a big celebration a couple of days ago.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: She's three.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: We have a three-year-old granddaughter now. It's kind of hard
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: to wrap my head around that.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: What, the terrible threes or the fact that she is three?
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: It just makes me feel old, actually. It's one thing
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: to have a brand-new grandbaby, but a three-year-old, this is
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: a kid who's walking around with opinions and attitudes.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: And does she have opinions? Yeah. Like I'm the favorite person.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: She knows it. She knows it. You know it. She
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: doesn't mind her pops, though.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: She does.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: She does love you.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Hey, today's I'll Do Better Tomorrow, now that we've celebrated
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Indy's third birthday. is about the way that we can
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: be better parents. And I want to talk about my
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: free diving. And I need you to be really curious
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: about it and ask lots of questions about it so
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: that I can tell you all about it and how
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: it applies to parenting because you don't believe that it does.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So here's the crazy thing. We're always the best
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: parents when we're not actually parenting. Yeah. Yeah.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: So over the last week or so, I've been away.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I've A good mate of mine, a guy called Ant Williams,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: whose book, Let It Be Tough, is a must read.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Even you enjoyed reading it, Kylie.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: I loved it.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Fantastic stories. He's lived an incredible life and set some
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: world records as a free diver in the Arctic Circle.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: He's not from there, but he went to the Arctic
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Circle and dove under the ice. Anyway, about a month ago,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I was having a chat with him and I said, oh,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I can't wait for September. I really need a break.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: And I've got a few days where I think I'm
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: just going to jump on a plane and go surfing
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: in Indonesia. and I'm just going to wait and see
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: where the surf is and fly across and grab some waves.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: He asked me what my dates were and then said, oh,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I'm going to the Philippines to do some free diving.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Why don't you come with me instead of going surfing?
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: So we talked about it a little bit. I tried
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: to convince him that surfing would be the better option
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  Speaker 1: and he really likes to surf, but he really felt
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: like he needed the diving. And I've talked a lot
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: about it and I've done a little bit of apnea training.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Apnea just means without breath. I've done a little bit
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: of apnea training over the years and spent some time
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: in the pool doing some free diving and I've never
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: done any depth diving. And the Philippines is apparently one
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: of the best places in the world to do depth diving.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And so I said, let's do it. So he was
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: quite surprised that I said yes. But I flew across.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: He'd been there a few days before me. Went down
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  Speaker 1: to this tiny little place called Malbol near Cebu in
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: the Philippines, where you've kind of got the reef directly
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: off the beach. It goes for between, I don't know,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: 5 and 10 meters, depending on what the tide's doing.
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  Speaker 1: And then it drops into 70 or 80 or 100
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  Speaker 1: meters of water, like instant depth. Incredible. 20 meters off
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  Speaker 1: the shore. And I did my first freediving.
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  Speaker 2: If I was going to be curious about your experience,
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  Speaker 2: I might ask a question now.
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  Speaker 1: Right. Like, you don't really like me doing this. Is
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: that fair to say?
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  Speaker 2: Look, the only reason that I was even complicit in...
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say letting you go because you
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: were going to make the decision regardless.
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  Speaker 1: You gave me your permission and blessing to go.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: But I was happy for you to spend time with,
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  Speaker 2: and was because I actually had read his book and
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: he takes this really seriously. It wasn't like two blokes
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: just going out and, you know, see if I can
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: hold my breath more than you can.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Safety is paramount. There's, There is so much risk
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: minimization going on here that it's actually a safe sport.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: I would say that it's safer than cycling or mountain
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: biking or surfing.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, because as you were sharing your experiences, the
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: one thing that blew my mind was Ant would do
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: a couple of practice dives of about 20 meters deep.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Right, right.
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  Speaker 2: And then he does one big dive a day. Now,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: one big dive a day, it's not like scuba diving
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: where you're going and you're exploring for hours on end.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: A big dive for him is going to take about
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: four minutes, and that's his day's work.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Two and a half minutes, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: It's done.
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  Speaker 1: He went to 76 meters on his biggest dive while
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: I was there, which took him approximately two minutes, 30 seconds.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: That's it.
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  Speaker 2: So my question, because I'm going to pretend to be.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Curious, is … What's this got to do with parenting?
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: No, I'll let you revel a little bit. How deep
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: did you go?
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: So it was never about the depth. I need to
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: really emphasize this. And that's why I felt so good
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: about going. I just, I wanted to have the depth experience,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: but it was going to be whatever it was going
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: to be. And this is where I want to bring
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: it back to parenting. To be really effective at freediving,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: you want to be as relaxed as possible. So you'll
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: be lying in the water, holding onto the float and
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: And it's got the cement weight at the bottom of
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: the rope underneath it. But the float is there. And
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: that's kind of where you're anchored. You hold the float.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: You have your face in the water. And you put
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: yourself into the most relaxed state possible. You breathe through
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the snorkel. So you're getting your air in through your mouth.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: And you just get as relaxed as you can. And
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: when you feel like you're so relaxed, you could almost
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: fall asleep in the water, which takes between, I don't know,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: two and five minutes. Then you finally... do one really
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: good exhale, get all that air out. And then you
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: inhale and inhale and inhale as much air as you
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: can without stiffening and tensing your body. You just inhale
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: as deeply as you can right into the very bottom
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: and then all the way up to the top of
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: your lungs. Then you remove the snorkel, you reach down
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: the line and you begin to descend one arm over
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: the other. And after a few meters, as you equalize
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: and make sure that your ears aren't going to pop
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: or anything, After a few meters, you're at this point
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  Speaker 1: that is what you would call negative buoyancy. That is,
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  Speaker 1: the air has compressed in your lungs so much that
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  Speaker 1: if you were to let go of the rope and
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: you weren't attached to it, rather than floating back to
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  Speaker 1: the top, you would actually just sink. And you just
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  Speaker 1: pull yourself down with your eyes closed because you're not
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: there to see anything. There's nothing to see. It's just
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: blue all around you because you're in this deep water
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  Speaker 1: until you get to the bottom. And the idea is
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: you want to do it as slowly and patiently and
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  Speaker 1: as sublimely gently as you possibly can so that when
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you're at the bottom, you've got enough air. And you
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: can open your eyes and have a look around and
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: realize that there's literally nothing to see. And after 10
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: or 15 seconds at the bottom, then you reach up
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: and slowly pull yourself back up the rope until you
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: get to a point somewhere around 12 meters or 14
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  Speaker 1: meters in depth where the air in your lungs begins
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  Speaker 1: to expand again, at which point the air just sort
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: of brings you back to the surface. You're becoming increasingly buoyant.
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  Speaker 1: Next thing you know, you come through the surface. You
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: feel fantastic because there's oxygen everywhere and So that was
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: the experience. So on my first day, I went down
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: to 16 meters. On my second day, I went down
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  Speaker 1: to 20 meters. It's deep, but not incredibly deep. It's
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: not impressively deep. It's just a long way down. And
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  Speaker 1: I was thinking about it so much in relation to
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  Speaker 1: life and to parenting. Every time I tried to force
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  Speaker 1: a dive, every time I thought, I've got to get there.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I've got to push myself further. I used a whole
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: lot of energy. I pushed myself into uncomfortable positions. And
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  Speaker 1: I didn't get the depth. In fact, I usually turned
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: around early because it was just feeling horrible.
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  Speaker 2: I reckon if I spent my days with my eyes closed,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: I could get through a fair bit of the day.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I get what you're saying. Yeah.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: I literally was talking to a friend the other day
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: and she said she had her grandkids over and all
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: of a sudden there was this almighty scream and she
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: knew something had gone on, obviously. And she walked in
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: and her three-year-old grandchild had used bright red paint and
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: painted the whole corridor. So I could imagine if I
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: had my eyes closed, I could breathe through that.
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  Speaker 1: Well, that's kind of my parenting analogy is if you
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: can stay relaxed and not push against anything, you can
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: work everything out. You can go to greater depths than
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: you ever knew. It's not working for you.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Just turn the lights off, guys.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Turn the lights off. We're blinders. Just relax.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Just relax.
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  Speaker 1: Just relax. Everything will be fine. You've still got to
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: have rules and limits. There's still got to be conversations,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: but force creates resistance. We need to be able to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: breathe through it. All I was going to say, breathe
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: through it. Just breathe through it. That's my, I'll do
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: better tomorrow. You don't think it worked. You feel like
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: that was just a show and tell, don't you?
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I'm giving you a hard time. I think that's really
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: important to stay calm, but I don't think it's very easy.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay. But my point is, when you're in the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: ocean and you're trying to relax and there's wind and
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: there's waves and you know that you're about to dive
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: to a depth that is not sensible, like at 20 meters,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I've got triple the pressure on my body and my
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: lungs than what I have here on the surface of
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: the earth, right? Triple the pressure. When Ant goes down
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: to 80 meters, he's got nine times the pressure. It's
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: really significant. And so there is pressure and there is
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: the stuff that's going on in your mind is what
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: you're actually up against. And when you can calm that
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  Speaker 1: right down. It's just amazing how well you can get
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: through obstacles and challenges and go to great depths. Okay,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've milked that for all it was worth.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Thanks for letting me go on my holiday. I needed it.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I needed it badly. I was feeling pretty burnt out,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: and it was really great to have a few days
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: to relax. Up next, I have no idea where you're
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: going with your Oral Debated tomorrow, but I've used up
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: all of our time, so you're going to have to
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: make it quick. Stay with us. We'll hear from your
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: families in just a second. This is the Happy Families podcast.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: Mrs.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Happy Families, what is your I'll do better tomorrow?
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I talk all the time about the village that we
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: create around our children. And last weekend, I had the
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: privilege of having four women from Rockhampton come and stay
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: with us while you were away. And Tony is one
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: of my long-term friends. We actually were pregnant together and
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: were due on the same day But I happened to
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: go a few days early and she happened to go
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: 10 days late. So it was almost two weeks between us.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: But we've been friends now for nearly 30 years. And
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: she came down for a women's conference with her mum
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: and two of her friends and they asked if they
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: could come and stay. And so because you weren't here,
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: it kind of ended up being this girls weekend.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: And So it was really good that I was overseas
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: and holding my breath under the water.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: It was really good.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: It was really good.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: It was really good. Perfect timing. But what I loved
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: about this was just as I watched these beautiful women
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: come into my home and then envelop my children in
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: a way that doesn't happen very often. And her mum,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: who's in her, like, 70s, sitting on the floor with
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: our 12-year-old, and letting her share all of the arts
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: and crafts that she's been making lately, and telling her
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: stories about all of the things that were important to her.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: And you would have thought that she was the most
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: important person in the room, because she was in that moment.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: And then listening to our 19-year-old, who's about to go
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: and serve a mission for our church, sharing all of
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: her wrestles and struggles and her fears and anxieties at
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: the dinner table. And the laughter and the kind of
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: just the raucous conversation that ensued as a result of
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: her sharing and their willingness again to just sit in
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: that space with her and to watch our 15-year-old, who
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: doesn't often come to the dinner table, slowly make her way.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: And I had a job I needed her to help
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: me with. And she was like, yeah, I can do
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: it here. And I'm like, yeah, you can't do it
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: at the table while there's all this busyness going on.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: But she was so kind of enamored by what was
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: going on. She wanted to be a part of it.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: And I just sat back. And number one, I was
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: so grateful for my friend and for the opportunity I
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: had to have her and her friends in my home.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: But even more, to just see that beautiful village of
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: women envelop my children and just shower them with attention
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: and love. And I remember as we were talking about
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: it and I shared with you and you said, do
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: our kids realize that they're not the center of the universe,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: that they could ask some questions or be more interested
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: in other people? And as I sat there, I thought
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: about that and I remembered all of the beautiful women
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: in my life when I was their age who literally
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: made me feel like I was the center of their
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: world and the difference that that made in my life.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: And it made me realize that For us, we need
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: to make our kids feel like they're the center of
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: our world when they're sharing. When they're sharing things with us,
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: we need to just be there right in the moment,
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: like you were sharing. We need to be there in
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: the moment and just envelop them with all of our goodness,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: but most importantly, our presence. And so my message really
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: is just about continuing to surround our children with beautiful
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: people who can envelop them with love and joy and
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: just make them feel like they are the most important
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: person in the room.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: It's so funny when you look at how many people
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: indicate that they don't feel like they have strong relationships,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: they feel lonely, they feel like the village has disappeared.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: I would never have anticipated that These four friends from,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, we lived in Rockhampton 27 years ago, something
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: like that. These people that we knew from way back
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: then have reappeared in our lives because it was convenient.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: They needed a place to stay while they're on the
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: Sunshine Coast. And all of a sudden there's this wonderful
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: community that's been built over a weekend. So, so powerful
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: to have our kids surrounded by good adults. Really, really,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: really beautiful story. I think my freediving story was better.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: You can have it.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: No, not really. My one did not have nearly enough
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: to do with parenting. My one was all about me.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: This is why people love you so much. This is
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: why people love you so much. Hey, it's school holidays.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Today's the last day of school in Queensland, at least,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: which means that we're slowing down. Podcast episodes continue through
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: the holidays, though, because every state has different requirements. So
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: we'll keep the content coming to help your family be happier.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: But if you are in Queensland and you're heading off
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: on holidays, please have a safe time. Have a wonderfully
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: enjoyable time and keep on tuning in to the Happy
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Families podcast. We'll be back on Monday. The Happy Families podcast,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: sound and audio engineering is from Justin Rule on at
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides our additional support. And if
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: you'd like more info to make your family happy, you'll
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: find it all at happyfamilies.com.au.