Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Heifer

Transcript

Heifer · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing. We got a new therapist, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you about it because so many things are happening, and we got another new house. We have to move again just like when I was growing up, moving all the time. But I say, man, oh, man.
• 1:38
  If it's not safe for us to live this place, we gotta get out here. And I moved that whole house in two weeks all by myself with some help from the kids, outside kids, but I did not work them too hard. I made sure that they are taking turns and different days and make sure everybody is safe. But I work my hind tail off, and I got that job done. Because if it's not safe for you to live somewhere, you better not stick around there.
• 2:21
  Even if you are really sad about leaving, I wish I could stay there and keep living there and have my goats and have my horses and have my cows and have my chickens and have my rabbit and play with the fish and the foxes and the birds, but not that hawk, that big old mean hawk. And I remember how I first saw it on July 4, and there was just fireworks in the sky and stars everywhere. And I was hiding in the woods because I was afraid they were gonna come see us, but they never did come see us. And then I was sad because they never did come see us. And how messed up is that?
• 3:17
  If you think one thing and you also feel another thing, that gets confusing in your head. I thought they were coming because she said, I'll always be there for you. She said we are buddies. She said we'll we'll see each other sometimes, And I just kept waiting and waiting and waiting. And then I didn't know who was telling me the truth.
• 3:49
  Is she telling me the truth? Are are other people telling me the truth? And that was not good for me to be all confused like that, and I just don't understand. And she sent a letter, and she sent my football back, but it was not my football. It was her football, and I don't know what to do about that if if you see you think you have a friend and you think they're your buddy and you can tell them things and you can play footballs, then I think that I think that I think that then that football's pretty special.
• 4:31
  But then if you find out they're not really your friend or they don't really care about you or know about you, then it doesn't feel like football. It feels like cheating. And I I just broke my heart. My heart is broken, all the way broken. And I just cried.
• 4:57
  I cried like a hungry little calf just wailing out there in the woods. I wouldn't even come in the house. I was so confused, and I slept out in the woods till it snowed, and then all summer. The husband said, You know we got a whole house you can live in. I said, Well, you know what?
• 5:21
  I don't even know what's real right now except this here tree and I'm just gonna stay right here by it and them girls gotta take care of them kids so they do that but I just wait in the woods and I think nobody's gonna see me because I don't even know if this is an inside problem or an outside problem. And how am I supposed to even tell that if nobody's telling me the truth? That was the scariest thing in my whole life since we lived in the parents' house, and I don't even wanna talk about that today. But I just waited out till I can see. And then I think the saddest thing I ever had to know in my whole life is realizing no one's coming to rescue us.
• 6:16
  And I thought if we're not gonna be rescued, then I gotta hot tail it out here, and we regroup in another safe place. Now, you know what? We found a new house and it's by the woods, but it's safe. I checked it out. And he's on a hill, but he's also in a neighborhood.
• 6:39
  So we're the front of the house is outside kid land, and they play with their friends. And I watch out the window, make sure they're safe, or I pretend I'm raking leaves just so I can keep an eye on them because nobody's gonna take my kids. That's what I gotta say about that. But in the backyard when the kids go to school, that's my free time and I roam in the woods and under the trees and we can play and hike and cry and sing and there's a creek and there's a lake and I just walk through there and pray my heart to God save my soul comes. This whole mess is the worst mess I ever found myself in.
• 7:31
  I know that's big words because them parents were not too nice about things, but I knew they were not too nice about things, and I got away from them, and they're dead. But I don't know what to do when your whole favorite person break your heart. What are you supposed to do about that? I don't even know, but I don't want to be a mean and hateful person, and I don't want to be a be a bad person I don't want to be a bad kid I don't want to have bad friends so I just think time will tell we'll have to see We'll have to see what happens with that. And then I saw all them ladies just all back to real life like nothing wrong ever happened.
• 8:25
  Like, they never even met us. Like, don't even know why I'm just sitting here with a broken heart for two years waiting for a friend that's not even coming. And if that's not a buddy, then that's not a buddy. I got face the truth of it. And I just don't know because when I was at therapy before, when we can go at her office, well, do you know what I felt?
• 8:56
  I felt happy. I felt good. I felt sad sometimes because we had talked about hard things, but I feel like that was a pretty good relationship. And I thought I know how to deal with this, and I know how to learn, and I thought I was special for I can have a special role to go on missions and solve some problems and to help people. Well, a lot good that didn't mean that just got me gunned down, think, like in The Middle East or something.
• 9:35
  When we went there and it was not safe, I thought she was gonna try to get us killed. And I worked hard to get her back alive all the way at The United States Of America. And then and then and then we went for the fires, and I said, why are we backing a fire? We already done had a fire, and I don't want any more fires. And then finally, we make it home, and then this pandemic happened, and now I understand.
• 10:07
  At first, I didn't understand. I did not like mask. I did not like everybody staying home with us, and we cannot even play. We cannot talk to each other out loud. We cannot we cannot make our way in our day, and we can't have a therapist, so we can't write in the notebooks no more.
• 10:30
  And that was just really hard life, and nobody even there helped me, And I don't know how to do this. And sometimes, I just get really tired of life being all hard all by myself, and what am I supposed to do about it? And then my heart was broken, like, stomped on, like when a heifer get mad when you try take her calf I felt like you took my heifer away that therapist was like my heifer she a heifer and and I was like a baby cow and then just took me away. Then, well, you feel like that's hard enough and you'll be mad at them inside, but then I found out what they didn't tell me. Why she don't even want me no more, not just break my heart like I've been stomped on like a rattlesnake.
• 11:26
  What am I supposed to do about that? I don't even know. And I know she trying to get different therapists, and I know she's trying to talk to them. But, also, do you know what? We can't even find one.
• 11:47
  Nobody knows how to help us because we're so bad, and we're so difficult, and we're so complicated, and there's too many things. And I said, I know there's too many things. That's why I'm asking for help. Why don't nobody wanna even help me? And I just think, I don't know how to make this out alive.
• 12:09
  I don't know. I always thought I have a plan, and now all my best laid plans gone to shot, I just don't even know. I just don't even know what to do about it. And I just wonder like a moo calf like walking around crying for a moment, bawling, sounding like a big old sick donkey with my whining until I'm even tired of it myself. Finally, I'm tired of it by myself, and I said, you know what?
• 12:46
  If there's any truth we learn, it's that there's truth that we just gotta accept things as it is. And truth be told, I can't find my buddy anywhere. My therapist buddy is not even there, and her office is gone. I went to check again because I thought maybe we made this up. Maybe I'm not even confused or or maybe it was a bad dream or maybe someone inside was playing tricks on me.
• 13:20
  That's not even a very funny prank. So I drove there my self and I went to the therapist's office and I was gonna say, hey, I need appointment. But you know what? It's not even there. That therapist's office done long gone and I know what to do about that.
• 13:39
  It's like she just travel on west with the cowboys and leave me behind. And I'm just sitting here in the street, and I'm thinking, what where did everybody go and why don't nobody wanna help me? And how can this one hurt my heart, break my heart when they just promised? And I close my eyes and I try not think about it and I try not tell the little kids about it, and I try not to mention it to nobody. But in my head, every time I close my eyes, I just see like we're in her office, tossing that football back and forth, sharing secrets and talking about hard things.
• 14:25
  And I feel safe and I feel happy and I and I think we can talk about hard things. And then every time I wake up and I just cry and cry and cry. And I never cried so much in my whole life. And I thought, oh, man, I need help with this because because we are a hot mess. That's what we are.
• 14:52
  A hot mess like when you forget to put the eggs in your flapjacks, and then you got pancakes that are just all burnt and crispy, and they're not even yummy. And you can't even eat them with toast like like with jelly or nothing. And and you know I don't want syrup. It's like someone just poured syrup over my whole life, and everything got ruined, and we couldn't even get our feet under us you ever seen like a calf learning how to walk or you ever seen like something even gangly like a giraffe learning to walk but they figure it out and they can do okay and they wobble and they fall and they wobble and they fall but then they finally stand up and when they finally stand up they got figured out and they can start walking and playing and eating and I'm thinking I just got the wobbles and the falling I don't got the finding my way back up again I can't get my feet under me for life knocked me back down, and I'm about tired of that. But this time, do you know what happened?
• 16:08
  We're supposed to be getting ready for therapy, and the husband gonna have the kids so we don't get interrupted. Because I tell you what, if you gotta have a mom one out, you can't do therapy with other ones, and that mom one only wants to be with the kids, not with the therapist. And it caused all kinds of problems. If you can't get privacy and space and what you need for time with a therapist, you can't even do therapy without that. So he was being helpful, but you know what?
• 16:44
  Then these people came and they brought new bikes for all them outside kids, and I could not believe it. And we all was hoopering and hollering and whooping because it was like a miracle at our house a miracle of the bicycles and we were all playing and they were so happy and they were so excited and I held my peace because there ain't nothing I want more in the world than a bicycle but they're just for outside kids not inside kids so I didn't get a bicycle I can't have a dog I can't have a bicycle. I can't have a cow or a horse or chickens. My chickens are okay, Bob, but they miss me. They're gonna think they're gonna think they got taken from me like a cow from his heifer.
• 17:40
  And I said, Oh, man. Oh, man. Please don't hurt my chicken feelings. And so I just stay happy for them outside kids, And I only cried when nobody was looking that I can't have a bicycle. And I didn't complain about nothing because I know you gotta be grateful and you gotta be happy for them.
• 18:05
  And I am. I'm not trying to sin or covet or be jealous or nothing. I just want a bicycle for a long time, and I don't get one. But it's okay because I can walk. I got my own two feet, and I can go on walks in the back, in the hills.
• 18:27
  And that's alright because I got feet for walking. Might as well keep walking if I'm gonna get my feet under me. There ain't no other way to learn how to do it. Get your own life back. So after them bicycles, I went to therapy and is a brand new therapist finally, and maybe we're gonna try her out.
• 18:51
  I don't even know. But we tried out lots of therapists and some were helpful for some, and some don't wanna talk to us. And if we're the problem, then how can they help us if they don't wanna talk to us? And then I cry all over again because I used to be happy, and now I'm just sad. And I don't even wanna be the problem.
• 19:14
  That's not even nice to tell a kid that they're the problem. And I feel like that's called trigger for me, everything being my fault and I'm the problem when it ain't even my fault and I ain't the problem. That's what I think about that. But then I was stuck out, and we had new therapists, and I talked to her, and I tried really hard to have my very grown up voice and I tried really hard to get that girl back and I can't even get her. Not Courtney, not Hannah, or Cassie, or Sasha, or nobody.
• 19:52
  I'm just like even them can't even come here because the husband got the kids, and she's not gonna do therapy, but she was mad. We had not good therapists, and I thought, well, if you're so high and mighty about it, why don't you show up for this appointment? Take care of business. Because here I am sitting in front of the computer screen like I ever wanna be on camera. I don't even wanna be on camera.
• 20:18
  Even if you all learn about Zoom and make your friends and have good time, I think they're pretty cool. But I don't wanna sit here and do therapy with somebody else. They're not gonna be my buddy. And now I know if they say they're my buddy, they're lying to me. So how am I supposed to believe them now or ever talking therapy again I don't even know about that but she's asking questions and she want to know about the parents and I'm like they're dead and she wanted to know about why we're coming to therapy and I thought I'm not telling her nothing of secrets she's not even my friend yet and and now I know I can't have a buddy So it's not even something I can tell her.
• 21:08
  I thought I could help talk to him, but now I can't even do that. So I didn't tell her about that. I just talked to her about when we had cancer and they found a scar tissue down there in her privates. And I said the doctor said we had to do therapy, but I don't even wanna do therapy because nobody can be my friend. And I told her what happened with the other therapist who was my buddy and then changed her mind.
• 21:38
  And I said, when she changed her mind, it broke my heart. And I I don't understand what happened, and and I don't understand what's real who's telling me the truth and she talked about what did we learn with our therapist and I said well I learned about memory time and I learned about now time and I said I learned about breathing taking breaths and I said but now if I try breathing take breaths I just start crying as my my heart dummy broken up pieces all over like an egg that fell from the sky and just shattered on the road I don't even know I'm just a big old pile of splotch yolk in the sunshine gonna fry She said, well that doesn't sound very good. And I said, well it doesn't feel very good. And I tried to talk to her and but we talked a long time and then she's I said, I don't I and and I said, I don't I don't wanna tell you things if you don't follow the rules. I need you to follow the rules for I have to be safe.
• 22:55
  Safe safe safe is number one, and I gotta be safe before I can talk to you. And if you're not safe, I don't wanna talk to you. And she said she said, I'm good at following the rules. And I said, well, do you know about boundaries? Because I know it's what it's called, and I need me some of them.
• 23:19
  So I said, do you know about boundaries? And she said, do you know about dissociation? And I laughed and I laughed and I fell on the floor. I knocked over the table where this computer is holding up my Zoom camera, and I knocked over the microphone and my water bottle fell on the laptop, and I was just laughing and laughing. I said, you might do alright, lady.
• 23:52
  And I'm wondering if we'll keep her and if that was a good time for a good match, and maybe we can talk to her. But then at the same time, every time I think, oh, this might work, well, then that just bite me in the bottom. Oh, you know what the husband said? I'll tell you. The husband, his parent ain't dead, and his dad said to the outside kids, he said, do you know what is molasses?
• 24:22
  And the husband said, it's a molesbottom. He was making him cuss, And outside children, they didn't get molasses and mold bottom. They did not get the joke, but the husband's dad, they call him granddad, and he laughed and choked on his water. It was the funniest thing I never saw. So I don't know about therapy, but I know we got a house I can't even find my way in.
• 24:57
  I get lost in the closet. That's where I am now because it's got two hallways. Who has a closet with two hallways as big as a room? I can't even believe this house. They done give it to us for a third price.
• 25:13
  I don't know how many dollars that is, but a third price because those outside kids charmed them and I said you little manipulators except also I'm kind of grateful because we have a safe place to live, but we are grateful he was so nice to us and I did not really name call the outside children because that's not even nice. But some of us, we got things to talk about, and we had meeting, and I said, I ain't talking there no more because I know who can hear me and who's listening and they're not all safe and they're not all good except some people we can tell and I don't mean to be gamey I just mean to be safe because life is getting really hard sometimes and I need some help and we got some people up in here being all sassy because their heart is broken and I don't even know how you start over with a no therapist if if you don't even know what's real but we'll see if she knows what she's talking about she said we gotta go slow and she gave us some papers to fill out you got to circle numbers or answer questions and I thought I don't want to do no school test somebody else can do that because that seems boring and also one last thing to tell you, if you have therapy on the computer, you know what happens?
• 26:50
  You don't even get no peppermint for free. I don't know what kind of deal is that, but I'm gonna go for a walk now. And I just I just only can go for a walk because I don't have no bike, but I'm not complaining about it. And I did not tell the outside kids. I just smile for them, and I clap for them, and I cheer for them because I want them to know I did not change my mind for them.
• 27:24
  I did not change my mind to be a buddy for them, and I did not give up or let them go or leave them or nothing. I'm still here, and I'm still on their side, and I will cheer them on even if they get the exact thing I wanted and it ain't my turn for it because that's how you love people and I don't want to forget that.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in Community Together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
• 28:54
  We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too. That's what peer support is all about.
• 29:21
  Being human together. So yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.