Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #210 9 Ways to a Resilient Child Book Club

Transcript

#210 9 Ways to a Resilient Child Book Club · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, just knowing that there's a responsive adult who cares
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: enough to listen is usually enough for a child to
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: get over themselves and then come up with their own solution,
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: their own way forward.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson, the author of six
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families, and I'm here with my wife,
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Kylie Coulson, the mum to our six daughters.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: We love getting your reviews and feedback emails. Keep coming
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: through to podcasts. That's podcasts with an s at Happyfamilies
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: dot com dot au. And we love getting your reviews
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: at Apple Podcasts as well.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: They're great.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: They help people to find our podcast too. Right, so
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: we've got a five star.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: We've actually been getting a bunch of five star reviews
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: have been really really exciting. The ones you ask, well,
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: thank you so much for sending them through.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: Helen See at down Under says great practical and common
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: sense approach to parenting with a dose of humor that
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: helps you reflect on your own parenting and how to
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: improve love The banter and the vulnerability. When Justin and
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: Kylie share their real life experiences, we should tell you,
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: mum this one. She doesn't reckon you very fun.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: No, I know my mum thinks that I'm literally whenever
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: I try to say anything funny, mom says, I hope
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: that you don't say funny things like that on the
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: podcast because people will stop listening. Don't ever, if you're
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: in front of an audience, don't ever try to be funny.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: That's what she says.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: So thanks, Helen your boost Justin's morale just a little bit.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I'm funny. You are funny. So check out our ceiling.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: I know that no one else can see our ceiling,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: but isn't it great. It's great. I mean, I'm not
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: saying it's the best in the world, but it sure
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: is up there. I'm so sorry. Look, if you're new
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: to Happy Families, I promise that I won't tell any
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: more of those jokes. You may not be aware of
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: our Our Happy Families memberships for a small monthly membership fee,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: we give you all sorts of parenting help each week,
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: and as part of the membership, we do a book
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: club each term. But even if you're not a member.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: We want you to at least get a sense of
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: what it's all about. So for the next few weeks,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: we're going to be giving you a sneak peek at
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: this term's book club. It's actually book club run by
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: missus Happy Families, Kylie.
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: I do and it doesn't actually matter how many times
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: I do it, it's still a little bit scary. I
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: think I would much prefer to have everybody come and
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: sit in my lounge room so that we can see
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: each other face to face and instead of staring at
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: this screen.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but book people love the book club. It really
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: goes well.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: So this month we're actually talking about.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Your third book, Nine Ways to a Resilient Child. Why
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: did you write it? I had to my publisher said,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: you need to know. It wasn't actually because of that
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: at all. I wrote an article for Kids spot Back.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: I used to be the Kids spot parenting expert. Several
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: years ago. I wrote an article about resilience. I think
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: it was called twenty one mayst Help your Kids be
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: More Resilient? And when we shared it on socials, it
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: just exploded, like it went absolutely bananas. Now I've gone
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: back and actually read the article. It wasn't the best
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: artic I've ever written by a long way, but it
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: went nuts, absolutely viral. And then about three months later
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: we shared it again and it went even bigger. And
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: about three months later we shared it again and it
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: went bigger.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Yet.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: It was like, this concept of wanting to have children
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: who are resilient was just explosive and so and it
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: was all very very positive. People were like, Oh, I
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: need this. This is exactly the sort of thing that
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: I need so that I can help my kids to
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: become resilient. And after that third time of this thing
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: just going totally viral and everyone saying, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: I need more of this, I thought, well, maybe there's
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: a book in this. So I sat down and I
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: researched and it was fascinating because my first book, Twenty
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: one Days to a Happier Family, I kind of just
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: wrote what I've learned about is I did my PhD.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: It was really really simple to write. I wrote it
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: in a very short time frame because I had all
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: this knowledge. Writing Nine Ways to a Resilient Child was
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: like giving myself a PhD in resilience. I had to
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: go back to all of the original materials, all of
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: the original references. I did so much research. You will
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: remember that I became in fact, I had to move
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: out of the house for a couple of weeks.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: I was a single mum for quite a while.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so that I could get the book written because
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: I put so much pressure on myself to get the
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: research right and to make sure that what I was
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: sharing was spot on. And what I discovered was that
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: there's a bunch of things that we believe about resilience
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: that are actually untrue, and there's a bunch of things
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: that build resilience that nobody seems to know about. And
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: so that's kind of what the book became.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: So you kind of split the book into these two sections.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: You've talked about a holyp of myths, and we've decided
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: that for book club, we're actually not going to delve
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: into the myths because we want to utilize our time
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: to focus on the things that actually help build resilience
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: instead of focusing on the things that don't. And so
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: today I thought we might just tackle a few of
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: those myths.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, you know, it's so important that we do
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: tackle those myths because if we're doing the wrong stuff,
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: it can actually undermine our children's resilience, and there are
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: some really damaging ideas that are very very common that
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: we want to help parents to make sure that they
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: don't fall into this trap.
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: I know how much you love it when I quote you,
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: are you going to quote me?
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: And I did.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: I found this little and it's just a one liner,
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: but it really really stood out to me as I
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: was reading. It says, responsive parenting always has been and
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: remains the rock on which resilience rests.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, almost brings tears in my eyes. Quote me.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, responsive parenting always has been and remains the rock
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: on which resilience rests. And I just I love that
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: because I think that so often, so many of the
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: I'm going to say, gems of advice that people choose
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: to throw at us actually are anything but responsive.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's really interesting because sometimes, let's say you've got
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: a child who's having a hard time that the idea
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: is tough enough, princess, you know, get over it. If
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: your child wants some attention, well don't give them attention.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Let them learn that they can't have attention whenever they want.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: There's that kind of idea, whether they're toddlers or teenagers.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: My response to that is, that's not what the research says.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: This idea that you can make your children safer, you
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: can put your children through hard times, you can be
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: the person that makes them struggle, and that's going to
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: make them stronger. It's just not borne out by the research.
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: That reminds me of a quote by La Nost that
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: actually you quote in the book, and I just again,
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: it just resonates so beautifully. She says, it's not our
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: job to toughen our children up to face a cruel
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: will make I'm going to cry because I think this
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: is beautiful. It's our job to raise children who will
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: make the world a little less cruel and heartless. And
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: I think as a parent, if I can do that,
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: then I've done something right.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: What I love about that quote, and how could it
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: not be in a book like this, it's just so beautiful,
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: is that there's this idea that we want our kids
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: to make the world a better place. But it's a
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: tough dogg eat dog world out there, and therefore they've
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: got to be tough too, and so it's our job
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: to prepare them for it. By toughening them up. I
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: love the way she says this, and what she's really
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: saying is responsive parenting always has been, and always will
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: be the rock upon which resilience rests. As parents. The
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: research shows that when our children are having a struggle,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: when our children are having a challenge, most of the time,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: if they're having a challenge, they're going to behave challenging
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: because form follows feelings. You know, their behavior follows the
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: emotion that they're carrying. You know what it's like, if
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: you feel lousy, you tend to act lousy. And there's
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: still too many people who believe that if the kids
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: are having a rough time, where they're just going to
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: have to figure it out themselves. You know, it's this
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: drink some concrete and harden up kind of idea, And
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: it's damaging to kids because in that moment, children need
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: to know that they have somebody who believes in them,
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: that they matter, that their feelings matter. And every now
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: and again I'll meet a parent, sometimes a mum, sometimes
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: a dad. They'll say, don't give me all that feeling stuff.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Just tell them to do the right thing, tell them
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: to get over it, tell them to figure it out.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: But what's really interesting is when your emotions are really big,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: when you've got really big feelings, it's kind of hard
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: to figure anything out because your mind doesn't work so clearly.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: And what happens is parents say to their kids, you
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: need to toughen up or stop it, cut it out.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I've had enough if you do that one more time,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: so help me. Here's what I'm going to do to you.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And they threaten their kids, and that does often help
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: us to achieve a certain level of compliance. The kids
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: actually start to go along with what they've been told
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: to do, to stop it, to cut it out, but
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: emotions don't vanish by being banished that emotional pain and
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: trauma that the child's feeling. Instead of being able to
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: talk about it and work things out with their parent,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: they internalize it. It goes inside, and eventually inside becomes
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: this explosive element that's just waiting for one more trigger
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: and then caboom. And sometimes we see it with depression,
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: sometimes we see it with anxiety. If we're talking about
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: little kids, it might just be that they throw their
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: matchbox car at their little brother's head, they slam a door.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: It might be the ten year old gives you attitude
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: and stomps out of the room. Emotions don't vanish by
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: being banished. We don't have to sit down and do
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: this big emotional conversation every time there's an emotion, but
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: when there's stuff going on, our kids need parents who
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: are responsive and that we don't even have to solve
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: the problem. But just knowing that there's a responsive adult
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: who cares enough to listen is usually enough for a
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: child to get over themselves and then come up with
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: their own solution, their own way forward. That's what builds resilience.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: I love it. I think that we actually have another
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: myth that we might talk about after the break.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do that.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 9:41
  Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at Home? Tweens, teens and Screens
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: Bye today at Happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And we're talking
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: about Justin's book Nine Ways to a Resilient Child because
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: it's our Happy Families membership book club read this month.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: That was a mouthful, wasn't it. Happy Families membership, So
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: if you're not a Happy Family's member, you can get
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: on the info by the way at happy families dot
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: com dot I you book clubs tomorrow night, Kylie is
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: running it and where. Actually, just before we go on,
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: I'm going to mention that we're giving a big discount
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: on the book and workbook together, which we've never done before.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: It's only available at Happy families dot com dot AU,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: So people who want to get the book and the
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: workbook cheap, I'll give you the details of how you
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: can do that at the end of the podcast.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: A lot of people think that competition builds resilience. In
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: your book, you suggest otherwise.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is really interesting because a lot of parents
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: will be like, well, I've got to get my kids
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: into competitive sports so they can learn to lose well,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: or so they can learn how to win and come
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: out on top, and competition is meant to be this
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: character building thing. Now, I'm not going to argue completely
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: that competition doesn't build character. The idea that losing and
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: playing in competitive sports is important for resilience is a furfee.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: There's just no good research for it. Now here's the
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: other really provocative idea, winning isn't good for resilience either.
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: Tell me more about that.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: So when I was doing the research, this kind of
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: stood out to me in a whole new way. What
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: I found was that whether it's on the sporting field,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: or whether it's in the classroom, or whether it's in
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: a corporate environment, what happens when people win is many
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: of them, not all. Of course, this is on average,
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: but many people start to feel like being a winner
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: is part of their identity, and then they have to
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: hold on to that. And when your identity is that
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: you always win, it starts to become shaky if that
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: identity is threatened. And then what the researchers have been
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: looking into this have found is that if winning matters
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: to you and it's part of your identity, your resilience
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: becomes shaky because if it looks like you're not going
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: to pass the test, you're more likely to cheat to
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: maintain your identity as a winner. If you're not going
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: to win the game, you're more likely to cheat because
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: you need to maintain your identity as a winner, or
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: you're going to blame the referee, or you're going to
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: blame the weather conditions or whatever, because it's part of
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: your identity. If you're a corporate executive and your quarterly
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: reports looking dodge or your annual statements looking rotten, you're
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: going to cheat. And there are so many examples that
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: we can pull from any aspect of life where winners
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: actually become less resilient because they're so caught up on
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: being winners. Now, is this the case for everyone. No,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: of course it's not. But in terms of saying that
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: competition and competitiveness is good for our kids, generally, it's not,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: except with two exceptions. Number one, when the competition is
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: all about having fun and building competence, so developing mastery
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: like I don't like playing ping pong unless I'm competing,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: boring to sit there and hit the ball across the
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: table unless we're scoring, But I'm also developing my competence.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: A number two relatedness this sense that my relationships are
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: getting stronger. If I want to destroy the people who
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: are on the opposition team, it's bad for my resilience
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: and it's bad for my well being. But if I'm
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: having a friendly bike race or a friendly game of
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: whatever with somebody that I really enjoy their company, and
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: our relationships being built and I'm developing increased competence. That's
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: when a little bit of competition can be fun.
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: I've really loved having this conversation today, and I've actually
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: learned a whole heapus we've talked about these two ideas,
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: these two miss this whole toughen up princess and the
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: idea that competition will actually, you know, enhance our children's resilience,
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: and yet it really doesn't. There's no nothing to support that.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: Well, that's why I wrote the book, and I'm excited
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: for you to finish the book so we can talk
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: about some more of this. Well, you'll have to wait
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: till next month. Get way to a book club.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: So the take home message for today, I have to
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: share that quote again because it really just resonates so
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: beautifully with me. Responsive parenting always has been and remains
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: the rock on which resilience rests.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty stoked that I wrote that. Well. Book club
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: for a Happy Families members to tomorrow night. If you're
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: not a member, you can sign up now at Happy
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. Just click on the members
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: tab and you'll get all the info there. You get
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: to participate in book Club, you get a webinar each month.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: Premium members also get to participate in a Q and
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: A every month and a whole lot more as well.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: And even if you're not a member, but you'd like
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: to grab a copy of Nine Ways to a Resilient Child,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dou and click on
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: the nine Ways workbook and book package and we'll give
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: you the workbook for nothing. So that's a twenty dollars discount,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: big discount. We'll link to it in the show notes
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: to make it easier for you, or you can just
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. As always,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: we really hope that you've enjoyed the podcast. If you
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: do enjoy the podcast, please we enjoy your five star
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: ratings and reviews. Lead your review wherever you get your podcasts.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: Simple to do helps others to make their families happier.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: And thank you as always to Craig Bruce, our executive producer,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: and Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, our producer. Really grateful
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: to both of you guys, And if you'd like more
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, especially with the membership
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: where book Club happens each month It's kind of like
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: Netflix for your family, but actually valuable Is that a word? Valuable? Value,
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: I can't even say it now. Valuable, more, valuable, valuable, valuable.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Lu get all the info at happy families dot com.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: Today you