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Transcript

My Personal Walk with Jesus · The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For

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This is the condensed version of the last five years of my life.
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My beliefs may not look the same as they used to, and they may
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not even look like yours, but I hope the love you have for me
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isn't conditional. You guys.
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Welcome back to the opinion you didn't ask for.
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I'm Hannah and before I started this podcast, I told my husband
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that there was one topic that I would not talk about, and that
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was religion. And sometimes the Lord asks you
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to do things you do not want to do.
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And so today we are talking about my spiritual journey.
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And I know that this episode will be probably painful for
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some people. This might be disappointing for
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certain people that know me. And I just want to remind people
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that you never know what someone is going through.
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You never know their walk with Jesus and why it might be
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different than yours. And I think that that has been
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honestly one of the scariest things for me is the fear of
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losing the people in my life that I call friends.
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I have so many family members who I feel their love for me
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hinges on my belief system. And that can be a really scary
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thing, right? Like to go through something
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that changes who you are in a sense.
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And people fear the unknown. They fear change.
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But I read this quote that said, if you're an ocean, be an ocean.
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Don't make yourself a pond just because some people don't know
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how to swim. And I feel like that has
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described what I have been going through for the last five years
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on my, we've called it my spiritual journey or my faith
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journey. And it has been something that I
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did not want, something that I did not ask for, but it's
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something that happened. And I almost feel like I'm doing
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myself a disservice by not being completely open and honest with
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who I am on here, right? Like I have this part of me that
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is a huge part of me that I feel like for the last five years, I
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have almost tried to hide and I have tried to make smaller and
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make less so that other people feel comfortable to not make
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anyone feel awkward around me. And a lot of times I just don't
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bring it up because I don't want anyone to feel a certain way
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about me. But with turning 30 and with
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this new year and with being a mom and with all of these things
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that I want to change certain things about myself.
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And so for the new year, I decided that my mantra is other
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people's opinions of me are none of my business, but my business
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is also not up for discussion. So I'm like, I need to be able
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to own that to its fullest by letting people get to know the
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real me, right? Like I think I said in one of my
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first or second episodes that if you knew me years ago, you know
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you don't know me. And that is so true because I
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haven't allowed people to know me because I was afraid of the
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judgment. I was afraid of the shame.
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I was afraid of, you know, the things that people would say.
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So for people who do not know me, I was born and raised in the
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LDS church or you know, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
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Day Saints, Mormon Church, whatever you want to call it.
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And which honestly, my whole opinion on people that get
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offended by people calling it Mormons is I think that that is
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a choice to be offended by that because for so many years that
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is what, you know, the church went by.
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So I don't think people are doing it out of disrespect to
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call it, you know, the Mormon church or oh, the Mormon
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missionaries or the Mormons. I don't think it's a disrespect
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thing which a lot of people get up in arms about it, but I think
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everyone just needs to take a chill pill on that because they
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went by it for so many years. Like my husband's whole mission
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was the meet the Mormons. I'm a mormon.org so if I
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reference it as that it is not out of disrespect, it is out of
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the entire way. I was raised and it's more just
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muscle memory at this point. Small tangent, not the point,
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but I was raised in the LDS church, born and raised,
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baptized at 8. You know, I went to seminary,
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young women's got my medallion. I graduated from seminary, I
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served, you know, an LDS mission.
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I was married in the temple. I had high up callings at a
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young married age. And so I think it's really easy
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for people to think when people go through spiritual journeys,
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when people go through these experiences and they find their
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way out of the LDS church, people are so quick to assume
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they just gave up. They just lost their faith.
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They gave up their testimony. They wanted to live the way of
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the world. And I can say that because I
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used to be that person who would say that about people, right?
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Like, that is how I was raised. I was raised in a very small
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town that was majority LDS people.
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And I would hear how people would talk about people that had
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left the church. And it was honestly more
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terrifying to me how they spoke about them that I was like, I
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will never leave. I will never have someone talk
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about me like that. Like that was my nightmare.
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And I used to think so little of people who stepped away.
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You know, I, it was kind of how I was just raised.
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That was my belief system. And I remember growing up that I
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almost had this holier than thou personality.
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Like when I tell you that the church was my whole personality,
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I mean that to my core. I don't, I don't mean that
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rudely. I don't mean I mean it was the
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rules of the church. I am a rules person.
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I love checklists. I love almost being told what to
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do and when to do it because it takes away the choice for me.
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Like I don't, I don't like to make choices.
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I'm a Libra, OK? I'm indecisive, but I remember
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growing up and I would have questions and there were a few
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times I would ask a question and the answer was always like, you
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know, doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.
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Oh, like, I don't know either, but you know, it'll, the Lord
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will make it right in the next life.
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And you know, and those are just things I was like, OK, like I'm
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not going to get answers to these questions even though I
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don't understand it. Maybe I don't agree with it,
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whatever it may be that that just it is what it is.
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And something that keeps me up at night, I'm not gonna lie, is
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certain things that I said while on my mission to people when
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they would ask me questions about the church or why we
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believed something. And I would say, oh, I have no
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idea. But like God will make it right
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in the next life. Like, and I remember saying
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multiple times, this wasn't just like a one time occurrence.
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OK, this happened way more than once that I would tell people
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with confidence, I am a blind follower.
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I don't know why I do the things we do.
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I don't know why we believe certain things.
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We just do. And it's right, you know, that
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is, that is truly how I believe. That is truly how I was raised.
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And I want to make this very clear.
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This is not in any way, shape or form bashing on the LDS church,
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bashing on members. My own mother is still a member.
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A huge majority of all my family are still members.
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A ton of my friends are still members.
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OK, this is in no way me bashing on them or putting them down.
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This is my lived experience. These are words that came out of
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my physical mouth. OK, I take accountability for
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that. I take full responsibility for
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the things that I said to people.
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I'm not blaming anyone, I am simply sharing my experience and
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how I was raised to kind of help you understand who I was.
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And that was a very judgmental person.
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And I remember my sister hating me as a kid 'cause she would
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always just say you are so judgmental.
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You think you're better than everyone.
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You know you are on your high and mighty horse.
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And I sure was. I lived on that horse.
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OK, I thought I could do no wrong and that everything I said
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was righteous and I was doing it for the cause of Jesus.
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And if I said something that offended you, you know the
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guilty taketh the truth to be hard.
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OK, that was my mantra. But there came a .5 years ago,
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it was COVID. We weren't going to church
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anymore because, you know, church was cancelled kind of a
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thing. And we started watching The
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Chosen and every single episode I found myself uncontrollably
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sobbing because I felt something so strong.
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I felt this love for Jesus Christ that I had never
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experienced. And I remember telling Taylor
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one time that is not the Jesus I grew up believing in, but I wish
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it was. And I hope it is like I hope
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that is the Jesus that is real. I hope that is the Jesus we
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teach our kids about. Like it was so real for me.
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And so every Sunday that was our church from home, we would watch
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The chosen and I would, I would bawl over and over and over
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again. And I found myself realizing I
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did not know Jesus Christ, I did not know my Savior.
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And I wanted to so badly because I'm now having kids.
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I am now am responsible for their spiritual upbringing and
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their knowledge of Him. And so I started praying to just
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know Him. I started praying to know what
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He wanted for me, for our family.
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And there was something super, super dumb that I had never
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agreed with that I had never understood.
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And I didn't know how to disagree with the church because
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once again, it was my whole personality.
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It was my whole belief system. I didn't know how to disagree
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with it without feeling guilty. But on my walk with Christ and
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on this new found of me praying to know him better, there were
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little things that would come up in my mind that I'm like, I
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don't know if Jesus actually cares about this or I don't know
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if that's like as big of a deal as maybe I was raised to believe
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it is. And so, and you're probably
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wondering what in the world could it have been?
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It was double piercings, which some of you are listening to
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this that are not members And you're like, girl, what?
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Yeah, I know it seems so silly now, but for those of you who
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were born and raised in the church, double piercings were
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just a no go. They were, if girls had em, they
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were gonna be gossiped about. OK, that was just a fact.
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And I had gotten them right after high school.
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I got double piercings. I felt like I was supposed to
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feel shameful, like I was supposed to be wrong.
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It was like that was my rebellious moment of me getting
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them. But I loved them and I thought
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that they were so cute. And I did my own piercings in my
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apartment with my roommates with a potato and a needle.
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Real parent trap style here. But I I knew that I wasn't
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supposed to have them, but I loved them and I didn't
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understand why, right? So now Fast forward years later
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and as I'm trying to get to know Christ better and see what he
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does and doesn't care about in the perspective of my personal
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life, I started praying. I started reading conference
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talks, OK? Like, I was so adamant about
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finding an answer of why I wasn't allowed to have them.
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And to the point where I went to the temple, OK, that is my
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sources were coming from within. I was doing all my research.
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I was praying, I was fasting. I went to the temple and I
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prayed so hard to ask, are they really bad?
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Like, is it really that bad? Or can I have them?
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And I will never forget the answer that came to me
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personally, my own personal revelation that was like,
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Hannah, I don't care. And I was like, ah, you, you
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don't care. Are we OK?
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Are we sure about this? That I kept praying and asking
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to like, triple, quadruple check that he did not care.
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And that was like a moment that I like.
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I got an answer that was contrary to how I had been
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raised. But it felt so right to me.
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And for some people that they're going to think that is the
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stupidest thing. You're right.
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Maybe for you it is. But for me, it was so much
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deeper than that. It was like the first time in my
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life that I was trusting my own personal revelation that I was
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not leaning on what I was told was OK or what other people
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deemed OK. It was what was OK for me.
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And lo and behold, not even maybe a few months or a year
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later, they changed, you know, the first strength of youth,
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This like handbook for the teens to follow that basically
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disregarded the double piercing thing.
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And at the time, Taylor was like, aren't you so glad you had
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your own answer before that came out?
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Because you would have felt a type of way about it, which he
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was right? I would have, I would have felt
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like now it's acceptable because more of the world's doing it.
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But for me, it was my own experience.
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And that may seem so silly and I understand that, but I need you
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guys to know there was a time when I was so high and mighty
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that I called out personally, vocally called out three people
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in my life, 3 separate people. These three people do not know
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each other in the slightest, but three separate people who got
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double piercings. And I remember being like, I am
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so disappointed. Like you know better, Why would
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you do that? Like, you know, your worth is
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more important than two holes in your ears.
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You guys. I know this sounds so cringy.
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I am. I'm a little cringe myself
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remembering that I said this to people.
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And when I went through this, the first thing that came to my
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mind was they were never sinning by having their double
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piercings, but I was sinning because I was judging them for
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having their double piercings. And a big part of I think
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repentance is acknowledging and apologizing for what you've
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done. And so I, I called these three
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people and I apologized for judging them because that was
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not my place. That was not appropriate.
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It was none of my business. I needed to stay in my own lane.
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But I put myself in a position to try to tell them how to be,
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to tell them what was right and what was wrong.
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And I loved their responses because one of them was like, I
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had, I don't even remember you doing that.
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But I was like, yeah, because to you, it didn't matter what I
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thought. Like my opinion to you did not
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matter, but I remembered talking down to these people that I
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considered friends, thinking like, oh, I'm gonna fix you.
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Like it's my calling in life to call you to repentance.
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And one of the other ones was like, Hannah, I know you love me
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so much that like I did not take it to heart at all.
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Like, I know you just thought you were doing what was right
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and you were thought you were saying what was right.
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But I know you. I know how you are.
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And I promise I'm not offended by it.
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And I remember being so grateful for that because I realized,
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like people in my life, they understand that.
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They understood why I was the way I was.
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They understood who I was, but they were willing to allow me to
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apologize for who I was and for what I had done that was wrong,
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right? Like, so this was something
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super simple, surface level things.
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And, you know, as the years kept going on, I was still so fervent
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and like, OK, I'm going to figure out how I believe and
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what I believe. But within the bounds of the LDS
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Church, like within the bounds of what I was raised, what I
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have known my whole life, like familiarity, the comfort of
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tradition. I'm a big tradition person.
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I'm big on not change. I don't like change.
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I'm not good with change. And so Taylor and I often had
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talked honestly kind of before this had all started.
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And when it was just barely starting, we had talked about
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how we wanted to raise our kids. And there were certain things of
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how I was raised in the Mormon church that I said, I will never
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let Blake experience this or experience that.
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Like certain things with, with leaders, certain things with,
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you know, these rules that the church had that I was like, my
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daughter will never go through, certain things I went through
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with people because it was beyond out of their bounds.
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Like it was beyond out of their lane.
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They had overstepped in certain areas of my life and I didn't
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feel protected and I did not feel like people were looking
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out for me. And it was more they felt that
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they were, they were in their right to, you know, say certain
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things or do certain things in my life that they absolutely
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were not. And so I told my husband, like,
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I will have so many boundaries for people when it comes to our
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kids within the church. And, oh, you know, if they teach
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about this on a Sunday when they come home, we will kind of
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course correct. And but my entire plan was to
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stay in the church, right? Like, that's all I've known.
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That's all I've believed. I had no plan to walk away and a
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year or so goes by and we were in the middle of trying to move
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to Texas and we happened to be in my hometown visiting and we
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went to the 4th of July. There's our town square.
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They have a big 4th of July a week celebration.
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And one of the nights we were at the square and I ran in to a 7th
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grade teacher who had loved me. I loved her.
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You know, it was this great relationship we had had.
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And she asked what we were up to and what we were doing.
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And I said, oh, you know, we're kind of in the middle of trying
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to move to Texas. And she's like, oh, what part?
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And I told her the Dallas area and she goes, no way, my
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daughter. And she turns around and she
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grabs her daughter's arm and she pulls her up.
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And she was like, my daughter is visiting from the Dallas area
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and this is her first time being back home in over 10 years.
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And I meet this lady. And her teenage daughter and it
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was honestly like the most God sent thing.
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Like I felt like we were soul sisters from the minute we met.
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I don't know, it was like a heavenly thing that when we met,
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we just immediately clicked and she starts talking about the
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area and how we totally belong there and how we would do
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amazing there. And her teenage daughter is one
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of the sweetest girls I think I've ever met in my whole life.
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Like they just look so put together and they're beautiful
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and their spirits were just, I mean, the light around them was
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incredible. And I remember thinking, First
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off, I love her. Like, I want to be her when I
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grow up. And I was like, I need to get to
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Texas just so you and I can be friends.
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Like at this point, like you would be like the older sister
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in Texas that I need to kind of, you know, help me transition,
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you know, be a part of our family's life.
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Anyway, we talked for, I don't even know, probably 30 minutes
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felt like forever in a good way. And we got into their socials
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and for months she would message me and be like, can't wait till
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you get to Texas. Like can't wait to have you out
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here. And, and when we moved out to
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Texas, her and her husband and their kids were there to help us
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unpack. They had bought us groceries.
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You guys, the generosity, the Christ like love for us.
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And we were mostly strangers still, right?
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Like they don't know us from Adam kind of a thing.
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But their Christ like love for us was so immediate and so
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strong that Taylor and I were both like, well, we want to be
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like them when we're older. We want to raise our kids to be
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like their kids, like they are amazing people.
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They went above and beyond for us.
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It was that Easter and she texted me and was like, hey, my
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church is doing an Easter service and we wanted to invite
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you. I know that it's not the
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religion you are a part of, but you know it's a Christian non
22:29
denominational church. We would love to have you come.
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And it was a Saturday afternoon service, and so it wasn't taking
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away from, like, going to church on Sunday.
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And so I said yes. And I was like, yeah, for sure.
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You know, I don't expect anything from this, But I was
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like, you know, an invitation that is so sweet of them.
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You know, we were going to go to dinner after the service.
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Like, it was a sweet, cute gesture.
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And we're like, yeah, of course. Like, especially because we're
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new in Texas, we don't know a ton of people.
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Why not? Right.
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And my expectations were low because I was raised that the
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Spirit could not be where truth wasn't and that the LDS church
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was the only true church. And so there was not truth
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anywhere else. And before people want to come
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at me and be like, that's not true.
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That's not what you were taught. Listen, maybe that's not what
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you were taught. That is what I was taught.
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And if you were not taught that, I am so happy for you.
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That is what I was taught over and over and over.
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OK, So that is truly how I was raised, that no other church had
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truth. And that is why when people
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would leave the LDS church, they just would stop going to church
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in general because, you know, there's no point because once
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you've left, if you've left that you've left Jesus entirely and
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there's no truth anywhere else in the world, right?
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That is how I was raised. So we go to this church and you
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know, they have classes for the kids and you check them into
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their classes and you go in at which I was First off, I was
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like a kid free service. Like, I don't have to wrangle my
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child for an hour, like, OK, heavenly.
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But from the moment we got there, the hugs, the smiles from
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everyone, not just from the people that we were meeting,
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everyone was so kind and welcoming.
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And we're like, oh, this is cute.
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You know, this is sweet. Like, this is what people talk
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about with like Southern hospitality, right?
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Like the Christian Southern way of life.
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And it was, we felt it. It was palpable, right.
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And so we get in the the room for the service and they start
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the first song. And from the beginning of the
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first song till the very end, Taylor and I were both in tears
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the whole time. The spirit was so strong.
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I was having a hard time, like taking deep breaths.
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Now mind you, I was also pregnant, but I was so overcome
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by the spirit that I was like, what is happening to me right
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now? Like what am I feeling?
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There is no way that there's no way that this is the Spirit
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because the Spirit can't be outside of the LDS church.
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Like what is going on 'cause I had thought if I don't have the
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LDS church, I don't have Jesus. Like I don't have a relationship
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with Christ. And I had been for years trying
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to figure out what I was going to do and how we were going to
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do it. And in this moment, we both were
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just struck with this feeling of so much love from Christ and so
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much peace. And for the first time in a long
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time, I felt like I found somewhere that I belong, where I
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belong without having to meet a list of requirements in order to
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get to Christ. And it was the most heavenly
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thing. And it's so much has gone into
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that experience because, you know, after we had that, we
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still went to our church the next day for Easter Sunday.
25:53
And we would sporadically go here and there, but we would
25:56
always compare the feeling that we had at her Christian Church
26:01
to what we would feel at our church.
26:03
And it was, it was a very clear difference, the feeling of the
26:08
Spirit in each in the room for us personally.
26:12
And you know, we ended up, we left Texas and we moved to Utah.
26:18
And I remember being terrified to move to Utah because I was
26:23
like, well, I don't know what we're going to do.
26:25
Like my spiritual journey is probably going to be put on hold
26:28
because there's no way we can leave the church in Utah.
26:33
Like that's just not. And especially being close to
26:37
family and friends that like people are going to find out.
26:39
People are going to know. And I can't have that.
26:42
Like I can't have people find out because they will stop
26:46
loving me and I found throughout my life I will water myself down
26:52
to make everyone else in a room comfortable.
26:54
I will keep my opinions and names to myself which I know
26:56
shocks a lot of people. If you're like what you do?
26:58
Oh I sure do. There are so many things I don't
27:00
say, but I find myself struggling to even make
27:06
friendships because I'm like, I, I can't let people get close
27:10
because I don't want to have to explain to them my whole
27:14
spiritual journey. I don't want to have to explain
27:16
that. And I also don't want it to be
27:18
phrased in a way where they think I think less of them,
27:22
right? Like, I do not want people to
27:24
think, oh, she's gone through this experience.
27:26
So now she thinks she's better than us.
27:28
Like she's, you know, or she's lost her way.
27:32
She's, you know, living this different life than us.
27:34
Like she's not worthy to be our friend.
27:37
And so I feel like living in Utah, I've put myself like to
27:42
the side. I have made it so that I do not
27:45
have to put myself in situations where I have to explain this to
27:48
people hardly ever. And this is probably a huge
27:52
shock for people listening that know me because they're like,
27:54
there's no way like not Hannah. Once again, my whole personality
27:59
was the church, right? Like that is that's honestly how
28:02
people knew me. When I got home off my mission,
28:04
I went to cosmetology school. They called me the missionary
28:08
like that was my nickname because I could not stop talking
28:12
about the church. And it was very annoying to a
28:15
lot of people. And to them I apologize.
28:17
Truly. I am sure that was super
28:19
frustrating because you were just trying to learn how to do
28:22
some color and cuts and I was over here given the lessons in
28:26
the break room. OK, it was it was a time in my
28:30
Life, OK, But it's not that I want anyone to think that.
28:36
Like I think less of you because you're still a member or like I
28:39
think I'm better than you or you know, oh, you know, you've been
28:42
misled and all the I am not here to tell you how to live.
28:46
I am not here to tell you how to believe or how to worship,
28:50
right? Like that is not my place.
28:52
My experiences are my own. And I don't know why this is the
28:59
journey that God has for me and not other people.
29:02
Like I don't know why, but I know that I am not the kind of
29:08
person that just makes rash decisions.
29:11
Like if you know me, I am I am a planner.
29:15
I am a 10 year plan kind of girl.
29:19
Like I will map it all out. And this wasn't on the map.
29:23
This was nowhere on the eternity map.
29:25
OK like I had no plans for this. And when people talk about, I
29:31
recently learned the term shelf breaker, had no idea what that
29:35
was because I did not have that experience.
29:39
I didn't have a shelf breaker where there was one thing the
29:42
church did that I was like, oh, that's it, I'm out.
29:44
Like I didn't have one of those, You know, I didn't have
29:47
something that offended me. I was not offended by anyone or
29:52
anything. I didn't look into anti
29:55
doctrine. I wasn't looking into the
29:57
history of the church. I wasn't reading the things that
30:00
they tell you to stay away from. Like I didn't seek that out in
30:04
the slightest. I was so active and I was so
30:10
intentional on just the church that this is not what I ever saw
30:16
from my life, that I was the girl that would be like, I can't
30:19
believe they left. Like I would never leave.
30:22
I would never give up my eternal family.
30:24
I would never like I said those things.
30:27
I judged those people, like horrendously judged them.
30:31
And so this has been the hardest thing of my entire life.
30:37
Like, this has been the most curveball, left field, blind
30:42
side hit of my whole life. But God has been through every
30:47
step with me and like God has led me through every moment.
30:52
And I don't think that I'm the only person going through this
30:54
or that has gone through this because I think that the fear of
30:58
disappointing family members is so real.
31:01
I remember. So we moved to Utah, you guys, I
31:05
was still trying to stay in the church.
31:08
And we stopped going to church for a little bit because I, you
31:12
know, I was like, OK, if there's no trend, it's not Texas.
31:15
I don't have a Christian Church to just jump into.
31:18
You know, it's Utah. The Christian churches here
31:21
probably just, you know, a few weirdos and that's it.
31:24
Like, there's no way that the Christian churches here in Utah
31:26
are, you know, big enough to teach me anything.
31:30
Or for our kids, Like it's going to be this little tiny shack of
31:33
a building. There will be three other people
31:35
there. Like, there's not going to be a
31:37
place for us. So we tried.
31:39
We tried going to the LDS church.
31:42
And within the first week or two of going, I remember feeling
31:48
this heaviness in my soul that I could not explain.
31:52
And I feel this pressure to be this amazing mom and to teach my
31:59
kids about Jesus and like have this relationship with Christ
32:02
and have a marriage that is centered on Christ.
32:05
And something just feels off for me and I will never forget the
32:11
night I was nursing my baby and I was pleading with God and I
32:18
begged Him to just let me stay in the church because it is all
32:24
I have known. It is all that the people around
32:28
me are a part of. I don't want to be the odd man
32:31
out. And I am begging, like, just let
32:34
me stay and I will raise the kids in the way that we believe.
32:38
But like, within the church, right?
32:39
Like they will have that core, you know, family values.
32:45
Like, we'll teach them those things, but everything else will
32:47
kind of like, do our own thing. And I just begged and pleaded.
32:54
And I remember the room went still.
32:59
And I felt this like peace come over me.
33:04
And there was this voice, and it was not loud.
33:07
It was not angry or aggressive, but I just heard this voice that
33:10
was firm. And it was like, I've already
33:13
told you what to do. And I knew I knew what God was
33:18
asking me to do. And I didn't understand why, but
33:22
I knew it was going to be on me if I obeyed.
33:24
I knew it was going to be on me if I did what I was being asked
33:27
to do. And some people are going to say
33:30
there is no way that God told you to leave the LDS church.
33:34
There's no way. And to that I say you are more
33:38
than entitled to your opinion. You are more than entitled to
33:41
your relationship with Christ. What people are not entitled to
33:46
is telling me that my experience is less valid because they
33:51
didn't have the same one right. Like I never prayed to leave
33:55
ever. That was never my prayer.
33:57
Like my prayer was to stay. My prayer was to still be a part
34:01
of it and to find a way to live within it, but with the beliefs
34:05
and the faith in the system that I had and that I felt was right
34:09
for me and our marriage. And I remember that night I
34:13
walked downstairs to my husband who was just sitting on the
34:15
couch watching TV and I just started sobbing.
34:18
And he was like, what is wrong? Like, is the baby OK?
34:20
Like he has no idea what has happened.
34:23
Then he just held me while I bawled because I was like, our
34:26
whole life is about to be uprooted.
34:28
Like I am about to lose everyone in our life.
34:31
Because that I think is what majority of my relationships
34:35
have been based on is like our mutual agreements on the church.
34:39
And like, oh, our friendship is based in the church and and
34:43
that's how people know you and become friends with you is like,
34:46
oh, we have this mutual agreements, right?
34:48
Like we are on the same page, the same book, like it's all,
34:53
it's all aligned the right way. And to have that taken out, I'm
34:57
like, who am I? And let me just tell you, it is
35:01
a lot scarier to be out of the church and figuring out your
35:05
relationship with Christ without rules and guidelines.
35:09
Like you have to figure it out because it's just you and Jesus.
35:13
Like there is no middle men. There are no outside sources.
35:16
It is between the two of you, how you live and how you act and
35:20
how you believe. And it takes way more effort
35:23
from me, right? Like this is my experience.
35:25
I have had to put in way more effort.
35:27
And I read the Bible everyday and I pray honestly, probably
35:32
too much. He honestly is probably like
35:33
Hannah, please, like figure out something on your own.
35:36
I'm begging you. Like you do not need to ask me
35:38
about everything, but I sure do because I am so afraid of making
35:41
the wrong move and taking the wrong step somewhere and it
35:45
being, you know, a disaster. And I remember that we realized
35:52
like, we need to take our kids to church.
35:54
They need to go to church. We can only do so much at home.
35:59
So I found a Christian Church and I remember praying and just
36:03
asking God to like let us know if it was the wrong move.
36:06
Like you tell me at any moment, you tell me that we're doing the
36:09
wrong thing and I will revert right back, right?
36:12
Like I will do the quickest U-turn you've ever seen.
36:16
That is how willing I was to like, OK, I'll go back.
36:18
Like, don't hold me hostage, It's fine.
36:22
And I found this church. We went, and the first week that
36:28
we are there, they sang a song that had been sung at the church
36:34
in Texas, you know, where we had gone through that.
36:37
And Taylor and I looked at each other and we both just started
36:41
crying because it felt like God was like, I see you.
36:44
I see your effort. I see that you are taking steps
36:47
in the dark that you don't understand, but I'm right here,
36:51
right? That has been our spiritual
36:55
experience and that has been our spiritual journey.
36:58
And it has been, I want to say, the easiest thing, but it has
37:03
been the hardest thing in some ways.
37:06
Like, for instance, if you know whether you've been in the
37:09
church, you're out of the church, you have family in the
37:10
church, whatever it may be, that family, a lot of it, the church
37:15
is very much like, you know, you choose the church and if your
37:18
family leaves the church, you choose the church over them.
37:21
OK, that's at least my experience.
37:23
And I remember Taylor was like, you need to tell your mom.
37:28
And I was like, I can't tell my mom because I know the minute I
37:35
tell her, her love for me ends, right?
37:38
Like my mom and I's relationship was pretty much strong because
37:44
of the church. Like we found our our mutual
37:48
ground, our beliefs in the church.
37:51
That is where I feel like her pride came, 'cause I was, you
37:54
know, all my other siblings had left the church.
37:57
I was her pride and joy. Like the things that I did in
38:01
the church just brought her so much joy.
38:03
And I knew it would destroy her. I knew it would break her heart.
38:07
But I also knew I feel like her love for me was dependent on my
38:11
status in the church, which I wanted to be like mom, I have
38:15
been out of the church for years and you've thought I was this
38:18
amazing mom and this amazing wife and, you know, praying all
38:22
the time and I would tell her about the spiritual experiences
38:24
I had. I just left out the part of
38:26
like, we don't go anymore kind of a thing.
38:29
So I wanted to be like mom. I am not a different person.
38:33
I'm just a, a better person. I have become more Christ like
38:37
because I remember one night and I asked him, I was like, did I
38:41
ruin our family? Like, have I ruined our
38:45
relationship or our kids? Like, did I make the wrong
38:47
choice? Like, am I on the wrong path?
38:50
And I remember he looked at me with so much love and, like,
38:53
this huge smile on his face. And he's like, you know what,
38:56
babe? If you were an angrier person or
39:00
if you were somehow more judgmental than you were or if
39:04
you were more negative or angry, he's like, I would maybe think
39:09
like, OK, we might need to figure out what's going on and
39:12
maybe something is missing in our life.
39:13
Maybe we did do something, you know, slightly wrong that we
39:16
need to like, course correct. He's like, you have become so
39:19
kind and so loving and so empathetic.
39:23
You are a million times less judgmental with, if that tells
39:27
you anything, of how judgmental I was.
39:28
OK, it was really bad. And I look back and I'm like
39:31
horrified at how judgmental I was to people.
39:35
But he's like, you have become a more Christ like person through
39:39
this experience. And I have seen the light in you
39:43
shine so bright. I have seen the weight in your
39:46
shoulders just disappear because you're no longer so worried
39:50
about disappointing people or living up to certain standards
39:54
or looking at other people's lives and judging them for how
39:56
they're not living. Like you have so much peace.
40:00
And he's like, it's peace I have never seen in you our whole
40:03
marriage. Up until now that like you have
40:05
just become a better version of yourself.
40:08
And so I was like, OK, I really hope my mom can see that, but I
40:11
don't know if she can. So I had to keep mentally
40:13
prepping myself for like, you know, basically to lose my
40:17
parent, right? Like to lose the mom in my life.
40:20
And just I didn't know how I was going to deal with that.
40:23
But I realized like it was finally time I needed to tell
40:26
her. And it was one of the scariest
40:30
things I've ever had to do and say.
40:33
But I remember her, she just cried when I told her that I
40:39
didn't think she'd love me anymore.
40:40
And she was like, I can't believe you would feel that way.
40:42
And I was like, well, let's be honest, like, I was raised that
40:46
you choose the church over your family like that.
40:48
You know, if people leave, don't, you know, don't trust
40:51
them anymore? Don't look to them for advice.
40:53
Don't you know, they're lost? They've fallen away.
40:56
They don't have that. And I'm like, I have more Christ
40:59
in my life right now than I ever have, OK, ever in my whole life.
41:04
And I feel so close to him. And we're raising the kids to
41:07
know him. And like, I just want you to be
41:10
proud of me as your daughter. Religion aside, right?
41:13
Like beliefs aside, I just want you to be proud of who I am
41:18
because I don't think I'm a bad person, right?
41:19
Like, I don't think that I've done anything wrong.
41:22
And like to this day, like, I still very much am like the same
41:26
person, just with a slightly different belief system.
41:31
But it's not to say my way is better or someone else's way is
41:35
wrong. It's just different.
41:38
And that's OK, right? Like, and I know a lot of people
41:41
in the world right now, they think people are leaving the
41:44
church in in wild numbers. And I can't speak on that.
41:49
Like, that is not my experience. And I think a lot of people
41:52
think like, oh, they're just jumping on the bandwagon.
41:54
Like right now, it's cool to leave the church.
41:56
Well, First off, I have never been one to like, jump on trends
42:00
first, K? When everyone plucks their
42:02
eyebrows super thin. Your girl had the bushiest
42:06
unibrow you've ever seen. OK.
42:10
I'm just not one to do what everyone else is doing because
42:13
they're doing it because I realized a few years later
42:15
they're probably going to regret that.
42:16
And now how many years later people are microblading their
42:19
eyebrows on because they don't have eyebrows anymore because of
42:23
the plucking that happened? OK, Like that is not my
42:26
situation. I did not, I did not jump on any
42:30
wagons. And this is not something that
42:33
was new. Like this is going to be new for
42:35
a lot of people. This isn't new for me.
42:38
It's just me realizing in order to know who I am and in order to
42:42
make real friendships, I have to allow people to know the real
42:46
me. And that is really scary to put
42:49
yourself out there and to be vulnerable.
42:53
But I was talking to my sister on the phone, and she's like,
42:55
Hannah, I think you need to do your episode on your journey.
43:00
Like, I think more people need it than you even know.
43:03
And she mentioned some people in my hometown who the only reason
43:09
they haven't officially left the church is because of the
43:12
disappointment of their parents or family members or the
43:14
community. And I know how scary it is to
43:18
leave. I know how scary it is to think
43:20
no one's going to like you anymore or you're going to be
43:22
the talk of the town. They're going to be gossiping
43:25
about you. You know what they might be.
43:28
But you also can't live your life not being true to who you
43:32
are and your beliefs because you're afraid of how people are
43:35
going to perceive you. That isn't your worry.
43:39
You can't worry about how people think about you.
43:41
You may stay in the church your whole life and people may still
43:43
talk about you. You may stay in the system that
43:46
you don't believe in anymore. And this isn't just about the
43:50
other church. There are people with, you know,
43:52
other religions of disappointing their families.
43:54
I mean, it can be about a lot of things.
43:57
It can be religious, political, your career.
44:00
People may not agree with certain things where you move to
44:03
and how you live. Like, people are always going to
44:05
have opinions on what you're doing.
44:08
You can't let that be what controls how you live 'cause
44:12
you're not gonna get to stand before God at the end of the day
44:14
and be like, oh, well, I did this because everyone basically
44:18
told me I had to do it and I didn't want to do what everyone
44:21
else wasn't doing. And he's like, I asked you to do
44:23
something else and you disobeyed.
44:25
Like, I realize I cannot blame other people at Judgment Day for
44:32
why I didn't do what I was told to do, right?
44:34
Like I can't control other people's actions, but I also
44:38
can't live my life and raise my kids doing something I don't
44:42
believe in to please other people.
44:44
Like that's not genuine. And I want to be able to be
44:48
myself. I want friendships that they
44:50
love me because I'm me, not because we have the same
44:54
religious background, not because we grew up believing the
44:58
same things. Like it's the cutest thing,
45:01
which you're gonna be like Hannah, we're talking about kids
45:03
birthday parties again. But you better believe we sure
45:05
are. My daughter got invited to a
45:07
birthday party from one of her friends and I texted the mom and
45:12
asked what her favorite candy bar was.
45:14
And so I told Blake. I said, hey, we're going to get
45:17
her a gift and we're also going to get her favorite candy bar.
45:19
And I asked her mom and she said Twix was her favorite candy bar
45:23
and it was the sweetest thing. Blake goes I don't like Twix and
45:29
I was like, I know you don't. And she's like, but that's OK,
45:32
she can love Twix. I don't have to like Twix, but
45:35
we can still be friends. We don't have to like the same
45:38
things. And I think the world could
45:41
really take the words of my 6 year old to heart because we
45:45
don't always have to like the same things.
45:47
We don't always have to agree on certain things.
45:51
But I think it's important to respect people's journeys.
45:54
I think it's important to respect people's lives unless
45:57
they are doing something that is so out of your, you know, range
46:02
of morals that you can't have that in your life.
46:07
Sometimes I think we just have to look at ourselves and like,
46:09
am I judging them because I'm uncomfortable by what they're
46:12
doing or because it's foreign to me?
46:14
Like, do I fully understand what they're doing or why?
46:18
Have I tried to understand what they're doing and why?
46:21
And acknowledging we can all be different.
46:25
We can all go through different experiences in life.
46:27
And I'm not here to say your journey is wrong or bad because
46:32
I know my journey is not what I expected it to be.
46:35
But I now have so much empathy for people and I look at their
46:38
journeys. And I'm like, if you are doing
46:40
what you feel called to do, I am so happy for you.
46:45
And you know, my sister was like, Hannah.
46:48
I think you have to do this episode because I think that
46:50
this is your Achilles heel, right?
46:52
Like she's like, you care so much about what people think.
46:56
I know that sounds wild to some of you.
46:58
You're like, you care what people think.
46:59
I absolutely do, especially when it comes to things like this.
47:02
Like I want people to see me as valuable.
47:07
I want to be seen as worthy of being loved.
47:10
And my opinions are valid. And I don't want it to just be
47:15
because we have the same religious belief.
47:17
I want it to be because wow, she has experienced things that
47:20
maybe I haven't, but her going through that has given me
47:23
clarity on something else. Like, and this is not to try to
47:27
pull everyone away from the church or tell everyone that
47:29
they're wrong in no way, shape or form.
47:31
That's absolutely not my my goal or my plan or my dream.
47:35
Like I didn't even want to talk about this, but my sister's
47:39
like, you need to be honest with who you are.
47:41
Like, you can't keep playing both sides.
47:43
Like you can't keep trying to make it seem like, oh, I'm still
47:49
there, but like I'm not. But I'm not telling you that I'm
47:52
not there, but I'm also not telling you that I am there.
47:54
Kind of a vibe, right? Like I need to be able to be
47:59
myself. And if people don't want to
48:02
accept that I can't change people and I have to be OK with
48:06
losing people, but at least I'm able to know like I did what I
48:10
felt was right, that like I'm raising my kids the way that I
48:13
feel is right. And so if anyone else is
48:17
struggling, I hope that you know that you are not crazy for the
48:23
feelings you're having. Like you are entitled to
48:27
personal revelation. You are entitled to the feelings
48:30
that God may be giving you, even if it is different than your
48:33
family or your friends. And I am so grateful that I was
48:38
able to go through my whole spiritual journey, not just with
48:40
a husband who supported it and had my back, but that we went
48:45
through that journey together, that we came out of it together.
48:48
And our marriage is stronger than ever.
48:50
We're more in love. He has become more of a leader
48:53
in our home. And he will initiate scripture
48:59
study and prayer and getting ready for church more than he
49:03
ever has in our whole marriage. Because he was trying to please
49:08
me because I was so in that he knew that he didn't have.
49:12
There was no out right. Like he knew that this is it,
49:16
she is doing this and I want to be on that with her.
49:21
But when I went through this journey, he felt like he was
49:24
freed to believe and to find answers for himself that he
49:29
hadn't been able to find. But because I was so dedicated
49:34
to the church and it was my whole life and my whole
49:36
personality, he never had the freedom to even voice concerns
49:40
or voice questions because I would not have allowed that.
49:44
That would don't doubt anything. Like I need you to be a strong
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leader in our home. Like I wouldn't have been able
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to give him that freedom. And so our spiritual journey
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hasn't just been mine, it has been ours.
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It has been our families, but we went through it alone and it was
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very lonely. It was very scary to be the
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first one to do this and to feel like I was going to become
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isolated from everyone and everything.
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But at the end of the day, I don't answer to anyone else and
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the only person that I am truly trying to please is God.
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And the only people that I truly care about having in my life are
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my husband and my kids, and everyone else is just a bonus.
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So what is the opinion you didn't ask for?
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It's that you're entitled to your own personal revelation.
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Regardless of how you were raised, regardless of how those
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around you live, you owe it to yourself to be authentic to who
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you are and what you believe God wants for you.