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What Happens When You Choose Gratitude? · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  Everything happens for you, not to you. Gratitude is the key. When you practice that gratitude, you start to attract more things to be thankful for as you become that gratitude magnet. I'm just thankful I had parents who grouted me when I was younger. I'm glad they taught me about the Lord growing up. I'm very happy, but there's some things we're striving to get to. We're striving to get for it. We have to, or else we're not striving for something. We're dead. If you choose easy, you're probably going to get a hard life.
• 0:26
  Your legacy starts in your home. And I learned to reframe what success is in defining my legacy. If you're the interested dad and you have conversations with your kids, you're like the first person in the world that they want to talk to. It's like the super glue, unbreakable connection. Love that. For some reason, that just, when I even say that word, I get emotional. You know, Thanksgiving has always been more than just food and family for me. It's about perspective. Yeah.
• 0:56
  When I look back on everything we faced this year, the wins, the pain, the lessons, I'm reminded that gratitude isn't about what's easy. It's about being thankful for what grew you. In this special Heart of the Life Thanksgiving episode, I'm sharing moments that remind us
• 1:14
  what it means to be alive, to love, to lose, and to keep going. These clips come from some of the most powerful conversations we've had. Stories about resilience, mindfulness, and choosing gratitude even when life hits hard. Because being harder than life doesn't mean being unbreakable. It means being thankful through it all.
• 1:40
  Talk to me about the power of gratitude. Yeah, gratitude is the key. Can't be stressed and thankful at the same time. So if you're feeling grateful and feeling blessed, you won't feel stressed. So that gratitude is essential for your health, your happiness. But think about gratitude. It connects you. It connects you to God. It connects you to others. Gratitude.
• 2:01
  Vulnerability connects you to others. Ego disconnects you from others. So ego says, I did all myself. Ego says, I don't need to thank anybody. But in gratitude, you're realizing, you know what? I'm not the creator of it all. I am not in charge of it all. So I'm just grateful for what I have. So it puts you in a posture of humility and allows you to connect.
• 2:23
  to a greater power, to a greater source, to others as well in the process. And when you practice that gratitude, again, abundance starts to flow into your life when gratitude flows out of your heart. So the more you're grateful, you get more things to be grateful about. You're looking for the things that you're grateful for. You will start to find more things to be thankful for. And then I call it, you become a gratitude magnet. You start to attract more things to be thankful for
• 2:53
  So what you do when you when I'm stressed, you pop on my shoulder and says you can't be stressed and grateful at the same time. And I say three things that I'm grateful for. And it could be the dumbest little roof over my head. The flight that was smooth back from Florida. And I'm telling you that works. And I'm going to steal another one of your thunders. How much I read all of your stuff. Ego. Edging God out.
• 3:17
  Take time each day to connect with the ultimate power. Just give it a shot. Read the one truth. In the back, I have an acronym, P-R-A-Y-E-R. P-R-A-Y-E-R. And you can just do that on a daily basis and just try it out. Praise, which means practice gratitude. R, repent. Repent for your mistakes. Repent for the things you've done wrong. Ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt and forgive those who have hurt you.
• 3:47
  Trust, the T doesn't fit there, but the E does, so we go expect and then you trust. So you trust that God has a plan. You expect great things to happen. You expect miracles. I really believe, Kelly, the more you expect miracles, the more you see miracles. The more you expect God to do something amazing, God will do something amazing. So often we actually cut off the flow of the abundance that God wants to give us. We cut off the flow of miracles. God wants to give us these amazing miracles and abundance in our life, but we don't believe it's possible.
• 4:16
  We poo-poo it. We don't trust and we never receive what's meant for us. And that's the R, receive. You got to receive on a daily basis. Receive the blessings. Receive the gifts. Receive the healing. Receive the abundance. Receive the love. I even receive all the people that I'm meant to help.
• 4:34
  I receive those who you want me to help today, God. Put them on my path and I receive it. And it's amazing. P-R-A-Y-E-R. P-R-A-Y-E-R. Prayer. That will change your life. Do that every day for 10 to 20 minutes. Just do it every day.
• 4:51
  and see how it renews your mind and heals you. I've been doing it now, Kelly, 20 years. It's why my mind and my soul and brain are so much different. It's why you are saying, since you read that book, you're renewing your mind and you're feeling different, because you're now open to the power, the healing power that's moving through you in a spiritual way that's now healing, renewing you. It's like this flowing stream that's flowing within you, and it's
• 5:18
  clearing out all the debris and all the stuff and all the crap within you, clear it all out and renewing and recharging you. That's why you feel lighter and freer. People look and they think, oh, it lives on the beach and it's got this beautiful family, but it wasn't always that way. There was a time when Catherine was, was frustrated when you talk to all the listeners about that. Cause everybody thinks that you're just this rich millionaire and just everything's perfect. And it's not that way.
• 5:46
  Now, Kelly, that's a nice word to say she was mad at me. No, she was going to leave me.
• 5:52
  Like she was going to leave me because I was so negative. I was so miserable. The first time she almost left was because I lost my job during the dot-com crash. Didn't know I was going to pay the bills and we were crumbling. I was crumbling. I'm 30 years old. We had just moved to Jacksonville from Atlanta, lose my job. And I am blaming Catherine for why my life is so bad and why I've not lived up to my dreams and my potential. And yeah.
• 6:19
  But you're blaming someone else. You know, that doesn't feel good. She said, I love you, but I'm not going to spend my life with someone who makes me so miserable. If you don't change, like we're over. Like we're done. Like she was ready to walk out the door right then and there.
• 6:33
  So I begged her to stay. She agreed to stay. And I began to change. And I began to work on myself. And at first, it was becoming a more positive person. And I started to study positive psychology. And this was during the emerging field of positive psychology. So doing that really started to have an impact, right? I read you can't be stressed and thankful at the same time. Oh, I love that. So I began practicing these thank you walks every day.
• 6:56
  While I was walking, practicing gratitude, think about it. I'm flooding my brain and body with these positive emotions that uplift me rather than the stress hormones that slowly drain and over time will kill me. I feel your words right here, John, and I love you for it. And you guys got to go out and get this book.
• 7:15
  All of his books. I messaged you one time, how do I get like a package of them? Here's the deal, Kelly. I don't care what book you read that gets you to the point where you become a reader. My book has been that book for a lot of people, like The Four Agreements. My book was the catalyst. Four Agreements is the catalyst. Other people, it's Ogmandino's book. It's Victor Fraggle's books, Man's Search for Meaning.
• 7:36
  For me, it was Richard Bach and Jonathan Livingston Siegel and Illusions. Those books impacted me. So it doesn't matter what book it is. The key is, do you then start to read more and more and grow from the books that you are reading? So I'm glad that book led you on this path because everybody starts somewhere and then we go on a path on the journey. Every day I realize the more I think I know, the less I do.
• 8:02
  And just, yeah, I'm on a journey too. I want to learn, grow, continue to improve. And I just hope people get from the book, like one of the big takeaways is don't listen to yourself. Talk to yourself. Don't listen to all those negative thoughts. Don't listen to the fear. Don't listen to the doubt. So many of us believe the lies that are coming in all the time. I want people to remember those five D's that try to sabotage us, the doubt, right?
• 8:26
  the distortion, the lies, the distractions, the discouragement, and the division. And I want people to overcome those five Ds, to live the life that they were born to live, to live
• 8:37
  fully to their potential, to live with that power and that confidence and courage that God wants them to have. See, God wants you to be powerful. He wants to give you power. He doesn't want you to be timid. Why does God want you to have power? So you can be a powerful force in this world and have a powerful impact on others in a positive way. God wants to make earth like heaven.
• 9:03
  His soul goal is to make earth like heaven. And how is he going to do that? Through us. How do we make earth like heaven? By loving, by serving, by caring, by taking our energy and making the world a better place. With that power, you can make the world a better place. If you feel powerless, you won't. So guess what? I want people to realize that there's a force trying to make you feel powerless and weak.
• 9:30
  But there's a God trying to give you power so that you can recognize who you are and make a difference in this world. And Kelly, I've been talking to a lot of men recently. And a lot of men are really struggling these days, like with their identity, with who they are, with recognizing their power. What does the world expect from me? I'm supposed to be this way and that way. And what about being a manly man? But what about making sure that I listen and care?
• 9:55
  All of that's really important to understand, but here's the key. As a man, you were meant to hunt. You were meant to chase. You were meant for adventure. You were meant for boldness. That is who you're meant to be as a man. A man is meant to be bold and go after adventure. You're meant to be a lion.
• 10:17
  There's a line inside of you. The problem is too many men have forgotten who they are and they've become house cats.
• 10:26
  They become domesticated. They're no longer chasing. They're no longer striving. They're not going after anything adventurous. They're not being bold. They're sitting back and they've forgotten their power and who they are. So I want men to recognize you're not meant to be that house cat. You're a lion. Remember who you are in the inside. There's a lion within you. Go chase something. Go attack a new opportunity. Go be bold and adventurous. And you may fail along the way.
• 10:56
  The house cat's worried about failure. The lion doesn't care. The lion continues chasing. And that is who you have to be. That's who you must be to be all that you're meant to be. Be the lion. That's the one thing. You could still be a lion and be vulnerable. I tell you, the more vulnerable that you are, the more trust and connection that you have. You've worked in Hollywood for a long time, since 1997. What's your biggest lesson that you've learned in working in Hollywood for all this time?
• 11:25
  My biggest lesson is to keep on going because if you've got a goal and you love what you're doing, keep doing it. There's going to be ups and downs, but that's what life is. And that's what's going to be in your career, too.
• 11:38
  I mean, I'm not a superstar who's shot it off into the rockets, but I'm also able to make a living at this since I've been here. So I'm thankful for that, too. Are you spiritual? Do you believe in everything is alignment with energy and that you're in the right place at the right time and everything happens for you, not to you? I have to tell you, I'm a Christian guy. So, yeah, I believe in that. And that's one reason why I became an actor. God actually spoke to me and told me to be an actor. I went to Cosby, a commodities broker. So that's what happened to me.
• 12:07
  My goal since 8th grade was working in the commodities market. I went to college at Florida A&M University. I was an economics major. Now, don't get me wrong. I've always loved acting. I've always liked the movies and stuff like that. I've always been into making noises and sounds and voices since I was a small child, but never thought I was making a living at it. That's just something fun I always did. Anyway, my sophomore college, I took a theater course that semester as one of my electives. The theater director of university asked me to come out for one of the plays. I got the lead in the play of the theater majors.
• 12:37
  And while we're doing the play that semester, the stock market and a lot of the markets went a major make a re correction went way down.
• 12:43
  And I started evaluating why I wanted to be a commodities broker. I did a pros and cons list. The pros list was short. I'd make a lot of money. The cons list was like, had to be up early. Had to be in front of a computer screen most of the day. Kind of build clientele lists. All these different things. I'm like, that doesn't sound like fun. Anyway, as long as it was short, God spoke to me that weekend. He told me that I was going to be an actor. I said, okay, God will listen to you. Trans University's chairman major. Became an actor. And that's what I've been doing ever since.
• 13:11
  God has been talking to me for a long time and I've denied it. So I want my listeners to hear this because if you don't listen, God's just going to show you. So walk us through what exactly happened. Like, what were you meditating? Were you just sitting? Talk us through that. All right. Well, let's got to go back to when I was four years old. Remember when we were four years old and adults would come up to you and say, Hey, Kelly, what are you going to be when you grow up? Do you remember that? Yep. What did you say when you were four? Do you remember? I wanted to be a police officer.
• 13:41
  hey well i can't remember vividly when people asked me what i was going to be when i grew up i said i'm going to be a mad scientist that's what i told people right when i was four and they giggle like that then as i got older i wanted to be a football player for a little while then i wanted to be an eye doctor for a little bit because my dad's an eye doctor so i wanted to be an eye doctor for a little bit then in eighth grade
• 14:03
  I said, I want to be a commodities broker. And I kept that goal to my sophomore college. But the reason why I'm saying this is because every time someone asks that question, even when I was little, when I was four. See, I don't think in letters and numbers. I think in pictures most of the time. I have film rules going through my mind all the time. When I'm imagining things, thinking about things, film rules constantly go through my head. So every time someone asks you, what are you going to do when you grow up?
• 14:26
  I always got this picture of a bunch of people sitting in a room. The room was dark. And these people had this blue light shining on their face. And they were looking at the light with interest. But that vision would disappear and unanswered the question. You know, commodities broker, mad scientist, eye doctor, football player. So flash forward to my sophomore year of college, I'll be an economics major. Like I said, I'm going to be a commodities broker.
• 14:50
  And I take this course and then, you know, the stock market and a lot of markets went down that semester, started praying to God about it. And I said, okay, well, I just, you know, I pray to God and I just let it go. So then, um, I decided then I was going to go see a movie in Tallahassee, Florida A&M is there and then Florida State's there. And then, so I didn't have a car back then. So I walked across my campus, which is Florida A&M University, walked across Florida State's campus to get to the Dollar Theater in town because I didn't have a car.
• 15:17
  So I can afford a dollar in college for a movie, right? So I pay my dollar, go into the movie theater. I'm sitting down. The lights come down as usual when you're watching a movie. And all of a sudden inside my head, this voice said, Isaac, turn around. And I turned around. I saw the exact people I've been seeing since I was four years old. Where they were sitting. They were sitting.
• 15:39
  the clothes they're wearing and a blue light shining on their face that they're looking at was a movie screen reflecting on their faces. That's what they were looking at. And I'm looking at them. They're looking at this screen. That's why I never figured out why I'm seeing these people with these blue lights on their face and what they're looking at. I realized, okay, now I'm in the movie theater. Okay.
• 15:55
  And I said, okay, I guess that's a sign that I'm supposed to be going through the acting then because I've been praying about it. And so now on the way home from the movie, now I'm praying to God saying, God, I'm in Tallahassee. I know I want to do film and television if I'm going to do this acting thing. What can you do to help me out as far as that's concerned? So I walk all the way back home to my apartment. I get to my apartment on my campus.
• 16:18
  I walk into my apartment. I turn the TV on. The 11 o'clock news is coming on right then and there. The very first thing the newscaster said is Hollywood has come to Florida. Universal Studios and MGM Studios in Orlando are doing major film and television production. I said, okay. What legacy do you hope to leave behind in the entertainment world and in life?
• 16:37
  Well, you know, in life, I just hope people would say that was a good guy. You know, you know, that's right. I mean, it's not about ego or whatever. I hope they'd say, hey, it was a good guy. He has some iconic roles that he really played and people love to this day.
• 16:51
  And, you know, I mean, like I said, no, I'm not famous and I'm not out here for the fame. I'm here to have the fun and I'm here for the money because this is a job. I really want to get paid well doing it. Why not? You know, there's, it's funny to work on a movie where you're getting like, you know, like maybe a hundred thousand dollars for the movie and someone next to you is getting $35 million for the same movie you're working on together. So it's just like, you know, why not make some money too? I'd like to make that kind of money where my money's working for me. So I'm having to work for the money.
• 17:19
  but I enjoy the drive and enjoy the things I've been able to do. I've been able to travel the world. I mean, not a whole world, but I've been able to Europe several times, sign autographs for various shows I've done. And it's been great. You know, it's been wonderful. You voiced Thanos, Saget, Soundwave. What do you love about playing larger than life characters? I think it's fun because a lot of the characters I get to play are the opposite of me. As far as my personality is concerned.
• 17:49
  And I think that's just wonderful. I'm not a bad guy, but I like playing the bad guys because that's the fun stuff. They get to say the stuff the good guys don't get to say. And they get to laugh at you when they say it, you know?
• 18:01
  You get to do the duality in life. We all want that. Before I started starting a life brand, I used to be rough around the edges, and now I'm just full of love. So I get to see both sides. I'd rather be this all day long. So I love that you get to dip on each side. But what role stretched you the most mentally and physically? All right, mentally, I'm just thankful I had parents who grouted me when I was younger. Okay.
• 18:27
  Go into that. I'm very thankful for that. I have wonderful parents. I've been married 61 years now. Kudos. Congratulations. Yeah. And, you know, I'm glad they taught me about the Lord growing up. You know, that's really helped me be grounded also. So that's number one. So anyway, my mindset is always like, okay.
• 18:49
  First of all, good things are gonna happen and bad things are gonna happen. You know that's gonna happen in life because I don't know anybody's life who's just everything was great and then they died. It seems to be like that. Roller coasters, there's ups and you got downs. I mean, you find somebody you love, then you lose that person, they break up or whatever. You find a great job and then all of a sudden you don't work another great job for a while. All the type of things that happen in life and that's what a life is.
• 19:18
  ups and downs i mean that's just what it is so i already being grounded knowing that day good things are gonna happen bad things are gonna be happening but if you just keep your mind set on knowing that you can keep pushing forward and work through them that the good times are coming back again and you're not gonna worry about it no matter how bad things might seem i feel like there's always gonna be better you know i mean there's always gonna be good stuff coming your way
• 19:41
  The beauty part about that, Isaac, is that when you, so life is a roller coaster. And if you watch it, it's a lot like a heartbeat. So if it lays flat, you're dead. But I tell you this much, the beauty part about when you're coming down that hill, you know another one's coming right up. So you just have to believe that God has a plan and it's all going to work out and just keep growing. So you're tremendously grounded. I don't want to cut you off, but I'll even tell you this. There's been some times I was in the downswing where I thought things were looking bad.
• 20:11
  Something happened in those downswings that even though it was down, I had gotten some lessons I learned. It was able to even help me learn when I went up the upstring swing again, because I was like, oh, that's why that happened. And things got better on the other side because I learned that lesson when I was down.
• 20:27
  You ever notice when you're in that pivotal moment, you have two choices. You can take one and get yourself out quickly. And then you take the right and you stay in it. And that one's always the one that pays you off in the long run. Rejection is redirection and probably opened up space and time for you to go to roles and do things that you really are in alignment with. You said rejection is recorrection.
• 20:52
  I don't feel any rejection at all. I don't let my mindset feel like I got rejected from that because rejection to me is a negative word. So I just think of like positively, hey, okay, that wasn't mine. And congratulations to the actor who did get it. And I really do feel congratulations. There's some roles I've gone out for. And I'm like happy for the guy who got it sometimes. Here's another example. I feel like if the role is yours, the role is yours.
• 21:21
  You're giving so many nuggets to the audience of how to live life. Every single one. You're just a beautiful human. I can feel your energy and I just love it. Pay it forward. Guys, there's enough in this world for all of us. We all can eat. I'm just thankful, but there's still things I'm striving for in life. I'm very happy, but there's still things we're striving to get to. You know, striving to get forward. We have.
• 21:41
  to or else we're not striving for something we're dead i would like for us all to be able to get along you know even in this climate we're in now i know there's some people who are on the left there's people on the right and there's a lot of anger and vitriol that's going on right now between people i don't really like to get in those conversations because you know now politics has turned into you don't believe the way i do i hate you now yeah i don't believe that i don't believe in that okay we might have different ideas about things but i don't hate you because you believe this way
• 22:06
  And I believe that way. You just get summed it up. Have fun. Be kind. Be consistent. Mm-hmm. That's being harder than life, man. Talk to us about this family score. And why should every man be brave enough to take it? That's what we're talking about here, being brave. Because courageous.
• 22:25
  to make a mistake and to be vulnerable and to be open and realize that I don't have all the answers, but I'm gonna be in this fight. So talk to me about the family score. You know, everybody in my family, we take our turns helping each other. So like there are days my 19 year old, he's the one who looks at us and is like, guys, today I'm struggling. Or there are days my wife is like, today's a rough day guys, I need everybody to pitch in. I'm hurting today. There are days that I do it, right?
• 22:54
  But the cool thing is, is that we're, we call ourselves team Hagner or team Hagner. Everybody's got a, everybody's got a position on this team, right? And we all help each other. One man goes down, we all help. So when somebody is going through a bad time, the other members of the, of the team rally, right? To help.
• 23:12
  But, and, and one of our biggest things to do on the team is when you're struggling, let us know, ask for help. And dude, I will tell you, I've made those rules and I'm also the toughest to enforce them on myself because as a dude, I'm like, I don't really want to tell the family I'm struggling today. Maybe I won't. Right. But yeah, we have to.
• 23:35
  Well, leaders go first, Larry. Leaders go first and they lead and they make it safe because other people are struggling. My parents showed exactly how not to raise somebody. So tell us yours. Here's why I share the story in some detail because I want all your listeners to know
• 23:53
  No matter what your background is, no matter how bad it was, that does not mean that that determines your future and what's going to happen. My mom and biological father were married in 1971. They got married really young. I think they were 21. Really fast and furious sort of relationship. Got married really, really quickly. Had me four years later in 1975. About nine months after I was born, my dad and my mom split. They had a really horrific divorce. I never knew my dad.
• 24:21
  Never even knew I had a dad. So like, I remember being about five years old and I talk about this in the book and I remember it was just me and my mom and my friends that I went to school with, they had dads. And I remember dads coming to pick up their kids from school and some dads wore suits and some dads wore jeans and that kind of thing. Like I knew what a dad was. And in my mind, I was like, well, I think mom's just gotten fine. Dad's like kids magically appear. And sooner or later, mom brings home a dad, like, Hey, I found the dad. Like that was my, that's what I thought.
• 24:51
  So like I was just waiting, you know, it's no big deal. Like I didn't think I was missing out on anything and I'll never forget it was a I'll never forget it was a Friday. I was five years old. My mom was like, hey Just want to let you know we're gonna have somebody over for dinner tonight. It's a friend of mine He's a very special friend of mine. I've I've known him for a few months and I work with him He's a very nice friend and I really want you to meet him And that was her way of saying i've been dating someone I work with and it's now time for you to meet him right? Uh-huh
• 25:15
  So I'll never forget this, man. Like I'm five and this guy, like I was like, oh my gosh, like this could be the dad. Like this probably is the dad. And this guy came walking in my house. He's wearing a three piece suit, double Windsor tie. It has a briefcase, the feathered hair, the mustache is 1979. And, uh, isn't it?
• 25:34
  Yeah. Right. There was no iPads or anything like that. Right. And he shakes my hand. And the first thing I say to this guy is I'm looking up at him is like, are you going to be my dad? And like, literally like my mom gasped and he like laughed awkwardly. But six months later, man, that's what happened. They got married and he was my dad and he adopted me. My last name is his. And
• 25:58
  He's the one I knew as my dad. No clue of this other guy. And happy family, right? For about a year. But then a lot of really bad things just started to emerge. So he had a really bad drinking problem. My mom drank a lot, too. Yeah, right. I'm thinking there's probably some similarities there. It's uncanny, the similarities. Five is when my stepfather got... I mean, you just... It's getting weird. Really?
• 26:27
  Now I'm really intrigued. Holy cow. It's really weird. That's wild. So anyway, they just had a horrific four last years of their marriage. Cops were called to my house. He had a heavy hand. He loved to beat up on me. He beat up on my mom. She beat up on him.
• 26:46
  And finally, when I was 10, he moved out and they got divorced. And I remember being 10 and I was like, man, I'm glad he's gone. But I also was like, this sucks. So anyway, I started asking a lot of questions at that point. I'm like, wait a second. This guy came around when I was five. Like,
• 27:01
  who, who, like, where did I come from? So I started asking my mom, I was like, where did I come from? And she's like, well, yeah, I was married before. And you have another dad out there. And I'm like, what? I had no idea. She's like, I was married for four years. He left when you were about one. And yeah, I don't know where he's at. And I'm like, what's his name? And she like told me his name and had no idea where he was. Two years passed by. I won't get into it just for the sake of detail and all that, but I met him.
• 27:31
  And it wasn't planned. And I was over the freaking moon, Kelly. Like, I was just like, this is the coolest thing ever. I met my dad. And when you're 12, like, that's like right at this sort of liminal space. I think you're not really a boy. You're not really a man. You're just sort of, and you're, you really want that male figure in your life to help you through that time.
• 27:50
  And my dad shows up and he only lived three miles from us. Had no idea. And he was remarried at the time. He had a two-year-old son, another one on the way. And I was over the moon and I hung out with him every week. And he came to my little league games. I spent time with him and his wife and spent time at his house and spent the night. It was great, man. I was like, this is awesome. I immediately started calling him dad right out of the gate.
• 28:13
  And then it was about five months into our relationship. And I just started noticing like there was just some weirdness going on, like just some heaviness. Like he seemed stressed out a little distant. And I'll never forget being 12. And I called this guy one time. I was just like, Hey, like, is everything okay? Like, I feel like something's not right. And that's when he kind of like, I don't remember the words. I just remember the result. And the result was I'm out. And that was it. He was gone again. You're killing me right now.
• 28:39
  And my mom got married a total of three times by the time I was 18, dated several dudes in between. Every guy was the same guy, just different name and different face, but alcoholic, abuser, toxicity, horrible experience. And I think it was right around 18 and my mom got remarried again. I was like, yeah, I'm done with dads. Like, screw all of you. Like, I think that was like my attitude. I'm like, I'm done with this. After I went away to college, I never came back home again.
• 29:06
  moved out, married my college sweetheart. Here's where the story really takes a turn, man. 2005, I'm 30 years old. I've been married for two years. I'm in a Starbucks here in St. Louis. And I'm just having a morning meeting with the people that I work with. We had a Monday morning team meeting every Monday. And who came walking in for his morning coffee? My dad, the one I hadn't seen since I was 12, my biological one.
• 29:32
  And I immediately saw him and I was like, holy crap. I know who that is. And one of the women on my team, I was also friends with her. So she kind of knew this story and she saw this look on my face and she's like, are you all right? You look like you just seen a ghost. I was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, my dad just walked in here. And she's like,
• 29:52
  what? And I was like, my dad just walked in here and she's like, the one you haven't seen since you were 12. And I was like, yep. She goes, where is he? I was like, right over there. It was like 25 feet away. And she's like, oh my God, what are you going to do? What are you going to say? And I was like, uh, yeah, nothing. I'm not going to say anything. She's like, wait, you're not going to say anything to him. Like you're not going to say anything to him. I was like, why would I like the guy blew me off twice. Like you think I want to be around that dude?
• 30:23
  Well, she didn't say another word. She just got up and sat at his table with him. And I'm like, wow. Yeah. And I was like, what is about to happen? And then all of a sudden he like got up, walked over to where I was sitting with her. And he was like, and basically what she told him was like, hey, I just want to let you know something. You don't know me, but...
• 30:41
  your son is in here and you should really get to know him. Like you really should. And he, his first response was, where is he? So he came over, we talked, uh, I wasn't nice, but I wasn't mean. I was kind of like indifferent. And, uh, he handed me over his business card. He's like, you know, call me sometime, you know, we should have breakfast or something. And I slid the card back to him and I gave him mine. I said, we've tried this before.
• 31:09
  You can call me if you want. And if you don't want to, that's okay. I was kind of like giving him an out because I was like, he's not going to call. I make him sound like a bum. He's not. He's actually a very successful entrepreneur. Still married to the same woman. Has been for 46 years. Two sons. But here we are 20 years later. And I've had a relationship with him for the past 20 years. And it's been fantastic.
• 31:33
  kind of weird and also remarkable at the same time. But, you know, dad edge got started because I was a dad for six years. So fast forward, just six more years. I had a really bad moment with my son who was four at the time. My second son, my second born stepped out of line as any kid would. And I spanked him and I made a promise to myself that I'd never hit my kids. Cause I was hit a lot growing up and I spanked him. And unfortunately what happened, Kelly, after that, as I spanked
• 32:03
  and i was like and i immediately was like oh my god what did i just do and i went to go pick him up and he rolled over on his back to get up and he saw me like coming at him like i'm like oh my god are you all right and he thought i was gonna hurt him and he literally just closed his eyes don't hurt me i think i've told this story a thousand times man and
• 32:27
  It always freaking gets to me, man. My kid is 17 now and he's the starting center on his football team. He's tough as nails. And all I can see sometimes is that four-year-old just don't hurt me. And that was it. First and last time I ever hit my kids. And that was it. That was the night I started doing what I've been doing for the past year.
• 32:49
  you know, 13 years. And I don't foresee myself stopping because I don't want that to ever happen to me again. I don't want that ever happen to another man again. But yeah, that's how, unfortunately, my platform didn't get started with some beautiful epiphany. It got started with some pretty bad darkness. What you don't repair repeats. Did you do one specific thing to really lighten the load to forgive your father?
• 33:17
  If we're talking about forgiveness, it was literally just making the decision to forgive. And my kids get along with my dad and my step-mom fine. They love him just fine. It's great. My 17 year old, the one that I spanked, he's very, very observant and he, he sees kind of and hears everything, but he just sort of takes it in and talks about it when he wants to. My son looks at me and he goes.
• 33:40
  do you like going to your dad's for holidays? And he doesn't, he doesn't ask a question like that unless something is really boiling in his mind. And I'm like, well, why, why do you ask that? And I was like, what's on your mind? And he goes, I don't know. He goes, I like them and everything. He goes, but if I'm you, you,
• 34:00
  and you did that to me, I'd never forgive you. Never. I would never talk to you. In fact, if I saw you out, I'd probably hit you. I'd probably punch you. And I looked at him and I go, yeah. And I go, totally understandable. And trust me when I say I went through those feelings big time where I want to like just lay my dad out if I saw him out somewhere.
• 34:23
  And I was like, but let me ask you one question. How does it feel when you talk about it like that? What feeling comes up here? He's like anger. I was like, yeah. I was like, how does it feel to feel that anger? He goes, it feels heavy. I was like, yeah. And he go, and by the way, did any, have I ever abandoned you? He's like, no. And I was like, but you know the feeling of anger and heaviness.
• 34:43
  I was like, what if you take that feeling of anger and heaviness into your relationship with your girlfriend? He's like, well, probably wouldn't be good. And I was like, yeah, it wouldn't be good. I was like, so it's forgiveness for you or is it for both of us or for me? Or what do you think it's for? He's like, well, it'd be for you. I was like, but what if you're the one harboring anger and all that? Like, what if you forgave and then you didn't feel that feeling anymore? Would it be more freeing for you?
• 35:12
  And then you saw him kind of get it. He's like,
• 35:15
  Yeah, I guess it would. I was like, well, there you go. That's what it is. I was like, Mason, it's not easy for me to forget my dad. Like there's a part of me that still actually wants to be angry with him. Like there's a part of me that even asking myself like, God, shouldn't I still be angry? Shouldn't I hold something against you? I was like, but that doesn't hurt anybody but me. I was like, not to mention the fact that my dad's 75 years old. He's still in great health. I don't know how much time he has though. Do I wanna waste time being pissed off?
• 35:43
  No, I don't. I was like, so believe it or not, sounds selfish, but the forgiveness is more for me than it is for him. And forgiveness is more for you than it is the other people that you don't, you decide to forgive. And I think he kind of got that. The legacy you're building in one word. Can I use two? Yep. Unbreakable connection. Love that. I was going to say presence.
• 36:06
  I don't know, for some reason that just, when I even say that word, I get emotional. Listen, life is hard, business is harder. So how can leaders and you show up more authentically in today's business environment? Because that to me comes from the being self-aware, being emotionally intelligent, doing hard things. Yeah. And then in believing in some sort of higher power and then you have no problem showing up who you really are. How do people do that in a leadership space now?
• 36:35
  I spent 13 years in corporate America, suited up, tie, whole deal in the banking world and
• 36:41
  And I look back and it was always this part of me that just didn't feel like that was me. Like I was dressing up to be this part. And my most comfortable was like in a soccer uniform, right? T-shirt, shorts, working out. Like that was my jam. And I just had this belief, Kelly, which some people probably listen to. It's like, well, I can't wear that into my world over here. Like people won't trust me. And like I'm dealing with high dollar transactions, helping people finance their homes and, you
• 37:10
  People won't trust me. Well, that was a limiting belief. Let's just be real. Like today, you know, I heard it shared the other day, Robert Herbashivat, I think it could be mispronouncing on the Shark Tank, was talking about this the other day. He's asking about a lesson that was shared with him. And he shared this story about Mark Cuban. And he said, beware of the person in the boardroom when everybody's in a suit and they're the one in the T-shirt.
• 37:34
  They're the one that is so comfortable in their own skin, comfortable with who they are, probably has the most amount of net worth in the room,
• 37:43
  And you look around and there's a lot of people dressing up to play a role and trying to be a part. If that's you, that was me. And I was dressing up and I was showing up and I thought I had to be this certain way. And dude, I will tell you, as I started to break free from that and I started to get some coaching around, who am I? You nailed it. Self-awareness, EQ, all these things we learn. We then start to attract people into our life and we start to have conversations. It'll be like you and I are having.
• 38:12
  I had a conversation yesterday with a 28-year-old, Kelly. Our connection point was on CrossFit. He loves CrossFit. And we're just talking. We're jamming. We're both in the same mortgage industry.
• 38:25
  And when I started to share who I was and share those things about working out, there are people that I know make fun of me. I hear about it and they're like, oh, Brian with his shirt off or Brian working out thinking he's blah, blah, blah. I'm like, cool, you're not my people. You're probably never buying from me. You're never gonna do anything with me. You're probably never gonna add any value to my life. When I started to get real about, I am not for everybody.
• 38:46
  And you mentioned this earlier, but I battled this and still will battle wanting to be liked, wanting to please people, wanting to see the best in people. Dude, when I got real about some of this and I just said, hey, there's going to be a tribe of people that really I'm going to do life with. And there's going to be seasons that they come and go. But the only thing I can control is how I show up in being myself.
• 39:08
  I believe there's this great saying, Ed Milet said it, Rory Vaden said it, it kind of goes like this, is you're most powerfully positioned to serve the person you once were. And Ed will say something like, you're most qualified to serve the person you used to be, that kind of version. But think about that as like the things that you've overcome, the things that you've done, and in fatherhood, the things I've been through with three kids.
• 39:33
  through a lot with my wife, 23 years this year. And now I believe, and I've gotten even more clear on this, Kelly, in this season is the leaders that I'm looking to partner with are in that almost below 35 demographic, just have young kids, probably under five years old. And I'm able to help them not only financially, I'm able to help them with their career. I'm able to help them with anything around fatherhood, their most important relationship outside of their faith with their
• 40:03
  I got tested and put through all that to be able to serve people today. And so my mission, yes, we do mortgages and yes, we help people do all that. But my real mission is the leaders I'm going to get to serve and why I started this new division at Cross Country. I just believe that's my calling and my legacy is I'm going to serve people where I once was 10, 15 years ago and impart wisdom and just pour into them. And so not only do they win in the business side.
• 40:29
  field, but these are winners in their community and in their family and change the divorce rate, change these absentee dads, change these out of shape dads that dad bods and after 40, you know, blah, blah, blah. Like I'm not buying it.
• 40:45
  Yeah, that's not the life you've lived. That's not the life I'm living and I'm not buying it. And I want that core group of men and women that want to go on that journey with me. And so that's, dude, that's the call. And I believe that's my purpose that God's built me for this moment. What legacy do you want to leave is where I'm getting at.
• 41:02
  Well, first of all, Nicole and I, she's my best friend. And I tell people this is what we've been through in 23 years and the things there is that legacy of being one for her, like a great husband to her. And knowing that I showed up, I competed and gave my best. And for my kids to know that their dad put them first and cared about them, loved them, but also was challenging, saw their potential and their best and pushed them
• 41:31
  and pulled them and inspired them to go pursue their dreams and their goals.
• 41:37
  And I believe if I do that at the home first, that then allows me a platform to move out into business. And this belief got inverted for me years ago, Kelly. And while I share this as part of my legacy is I was focused on my legacy at work and the business and the money and the success. And then I would have the leftovers for home. And it's, I believe it's got to be the other way around. Your legacy starts in your home.
• 42:05
  This is so good, Brian. I've identified with everything you said this entire, we are literally separated at birth. Everything I've done was for my daughter. And it's funny, I just, before I hit record on this podcast,
• 42:18
  summer vacation and she's bored and she's not following through with anything because I've made it too cush for her. And I said, babe, you're old enough. You want to go to your mom's, go to your mom's. And she chose her mom's because her mom has no rules. God is teaching me right now is to surrender, let go, let God, and realize that I'm not in control of everything. Our daughter's 18 now. And so I can tell you this is just to stay on the path.
• 42:44
  Stay on the path. You never know when that breakthrough will come for them and it comes in their time.
• 42:49
  Thank you for that because she's 16 and just does not like dad right now. And it's so hard because I'm going to point my out there. It's so hard because everything I've done, all the brand, everything I've done was for her to have a life different than mine. And she looked at me and she said, I'm grateful for it, but I'm just going to mom's where there's no rules. And I hate that. If you choose easy, you're probably going to get a hard life. Yeah.
• 43:17
  I choose hard and life is easy. Yeah, just I think you're doing right. Trust and pray that the breakthrough will come. And when I saw Presley have that breakthrough and choose for herself because of her own reasons, and when that happens, it'll be a beautiful thing.
• 43:33
  This has been way awesome. And I'm especially grateful that it was today. I needed to hear this. This is the best part about what we do is making new friends and then sharing it with everybody else in the world and making a difference. So I appreciate you coming on. I'm not going to have to tell anybody to share this episode. You have left so many gems, so many things. If people just adopt one is going to help them. If this episode reminded you of anything, I hope it's this.
• 44:02
  Gratitude is power. It's what turns pain into purpose and struggle into strength. So this Thanksgiving, slow down, hug your people, appreciate how far you've come, and even the hard stuff that shaped you this year. I'm grateful for you, for listening, for showing up, and for doing the work to become harder than life. Have an amazing Thanksgiving. Let's keep growing.
• 44:32
  keep giving and keep being thankful no matter what life throws at us. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.