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On bad consideration and a secret to tolerate life · Conversations with My Walls

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Morgan and this is Conversations with My Walls, episode 8.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you think that we're actually suffering from short attention spans,
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: you're going to want to listen to this episode.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because really the question that we need
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: to ask ourselves is have we developed bad consideration?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to dive into that, plus a secret to tolerate life from Chelsea Handler's therapist.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's something interesting about hitting the delete button in life.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: We eject ourselves from discomfort,
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: yet we never know how our message actually landed outside of our own vulnerability.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Posting the salty,
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: albeit relatable rant,
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: the emotional moment,
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: or the selfie that your dysmorphia tells you isn't good enough,
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: and regretting it later, is one thing.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's human to have messiness bubble up to the surface and think that
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: if we put it out there as a beacon that someone else might recognize it and get it
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: and all of a sudden we're seen, celebrated even, in a moment of messiness.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: But that hope and our ultimate vulnerability don't always have the same bandwidth
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: or window as we'll explore later on.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: But when we approach our relationships with might-delete-later energy,
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: that's when it's a whole other ballgame.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: From the archive button, to the text message we type and unsend, to the thing we walk away from.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Rachel Carton has shared the sentiments of two social media vice presidents in
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: the sports world often in her newsletter, Lincoln Bio.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: They say,
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: We have short consideration spans.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Mind-blowing, right?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So how has that changed over time and how does it affect us in our relationships
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: as much as our scrolling?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: The irony of consideration span is that it affects how considerate you are of another.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be considerate with our consideration.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Considering is primarily an entry point to quickly weigh whether to give something your time.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: The assessment of a hook, the scrutiny of the dating app profile, etc., etc.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: The reader or viewer is hyper-fine-tuned for ics and deal-breakers,
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: but it's also something that can stretch into relationships
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: that pass this initial assessment, and it can go one of two ways.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: When healthy,
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: consideration is a mature,
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: active process, reactivated over a series of milestones and check-ins.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: When unhealthy,
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: it's a continuous act of withholding one's self from another from the start,
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: the latter of which can be an act of protection just as much as an act
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: of manipulation, sometimes of self just as much as another.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Either way,
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: that form avoids looking inside at what is making that person so scared
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: of committing in the first place.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced this recently before I learned this phrasing,
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: but now it's helped me make sense of it more as a balm to the pain.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: While like so many things,
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: this isn't a monolith, but does shine a broad light on common behavioral patterns.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: When I asked him about what relationship labels he'd like,
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: mind you, earlier we had mutually committed to a monogamous exclusive relationship.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: But upon the prompt,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: he avoided the obvious boyfriend-girlfriend labels and focused only on the phase of
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: the relationship.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not just that, he downgraded the phase we were in to the talking phase and early dating.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Reading that come across my text messages honestly gutted me.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I cried that entire morning.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I cried during therapy, of which I can count on two hands how many times I've done, over years.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It got me that much.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to tell him how much it got me so badly,
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: but was so scared of the imbalance of where he was at and where I was.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a classic threes company misunderstanding or even a misalignment.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually that we were aligned except one person wasn't more afraid than
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: the other and the other let the fear run the show.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I now see how those words downgrading the relationship status could have been a way
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: to keep his initial consideration alive.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: How it looks and feels on the receiving end,
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: he turned from a secure attachment style that I trusted
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: to feeling casually avoidant.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I knew we were exclusive, but the questions became more plentiful than answers.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately,
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: he agreed to boyfriend-girlfriend and was happy about it,
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: but unfortunately, it didn't last for very long.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: The experience felt like something I should blame on the internet,
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: and I don't believe it was calculating.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think he was treating it like a swipe or a scroll, like the next reel.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know that wasn't his motivation,
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: but Because I think consideration span is more about feeling out the threshold
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: of what we think we can expose ourselves to or what we can handle.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: When addressed the healthy way, consideration allows for the opportunity to communicate.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You decide together to take that next step in your relationship
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: and set your individual boundaries.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You ask for what you want and see if the other person feels the same,
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: again and again as it evolves.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need space?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let's agree on it.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel like that space now allows you to take the next step?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I wanted so badly.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're only considering one thing the whole time and withhold it,
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: the can I do this,
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: the do I like them,
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: do they like me,
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: do I want this,
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: can I handle this,
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: even as you take the actions that say otherwise,
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: unhealthy consideration becomes a box that closes in.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: It focuses heavily on what can I get energy and crumbles when they have to show up
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: and give it in return.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's something they may truly want.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem is, is that it's set up all wrong.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because when at the foundation is this unhealthy consideration,
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: this way of distancing, it's not actually intimate.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Intimacy is honesty, even when it's hard.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the sexiest thing that has absolutely nothing to do with sex.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: A big statement coming from me is,
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: In a
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: world where intimacy is touted as something of a quick hit highlight reel,
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: the glossy versions of couples that we see online,
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: we miss the point that intimacy is supposed to be messy and unglamorous.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship under the condition of consideration becomes a stage where
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: The perpetually considering partner is the judge,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: and the unsuspecting partner,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: the performer, thinking that they're on stage together.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: But the spotlight is only on them, everything else is in the dark.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is where the love languages backfire, because it doesn't talk about how we consider.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: It talks about how we feel loved, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't talk about how we consider.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: But what I really want to get into is the idea of both forms of consideration
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: in relation to something called the window of tolerance.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like most relational things, unhealthy consideration is not about the other person.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a form of self-protection, self-sabotage even.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so is the window of tolerance, leaning more to the former albeit.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: So much of what our brains and bodies do that we wish was different is a form of protection.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes all it takes to get out of it is understanding why.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: The Window of Tolerance was first presented by psychiatrist Dr.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Dan Siegel about how our nervous system responds to daily stress and trauma.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: We all know the basic response types fight,
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: flight, freeze, fawn, and the window of tolerance explains where each of these go.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a zone of how much we can sustain while staying regulated.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Within the window is that regulation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: What goes outside it on the top is hyperarousal, fight or flight.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And outside it below is hypoarousal, where we freeze.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Stress and trauma, even physiological things like lacking sleep, narrow our zone of regulation.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of recognizing and communicating that a person's window is narrowing,
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: they pull away instead,
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: downgrading into the safety of consideration mode once again.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Which, until confronted,
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: can become an act of perpetuity and isolation and not getting what they truly want
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: and deserve.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's a brave act to look into how to communicate your limits without pulling away.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's something I work on every day.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard, it's not easy.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: But it is doable, I promise.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately,
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: we need to put our focus into considering our tolerance instead and communicate it
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: to take the spotlight and put our consideration on our needs.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think that we can start to make that the default,
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: communication our default,
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: opening ourselves up and being vulnerable as our default instead of smashing archive
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: or delete or And that beacon of hope we first craved at the beginning,
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: the right people will see it and you won't have to push them away.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or be pushed away.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated with you,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: please be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast platform.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you become a free subscriber over on Substack,
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: you will get access to text posts of all of these episodes that go beyond
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: the transcripts.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hop on over to morganlindsaynelson.substack.com to sign up and get extra perks
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: and discounts in my art print store.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of which,
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: if your walls are a little bit lonely and you want to decorate them
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: with some good messaging and intention,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: you can visit my art print store at morganlindsaynelson.com
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: and check out my newest collection,
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: the 1141 collection, as well as art prints that tie into each of these episodes.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And in the meantime, be sure to decorate your walls and thoughts with intention.