Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 230: Increasing Your Lovability

Transcript

230: Increasing Your Lovability · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  How is everybody doing today?
• 0:24
  Today we're going to be reframing what lovability actually means.
• 0:29
  Because usually when people talk about lovability, then they might say something like,"Oh, they are just so adorable.
• 0:35
  They're so kind, they're so gracious, they're just so amazing.
• 0:39
  They are just so lovable." But when we think about lovability in this way, then it often creates things that we don't actually want.
• 0:47
  Okay?
• 0:47
  It often creates inauthentic relationships, people pleasing, and a minimizing of one's own needs.
• 0:53
  Because when our definition of lovability, when it's limited to how easy we can make it for other people to love us, then it actually keeps us small, and it makes our worth conditional upon how other people see us.
• 1:06
  And that means that our level of lovability, it is 100% in the eye of the beholder, and that is something that is completely out of our control.
• 1:15
  But what if your lovability has nothing to do with how many people find you to be absolutely adorable, brilliant, and amazing?
• 1:23
  What if instead it's actually about your ability to love other people, your love ability?
• 1:30
  Now, if somebody came up to me today and they said,"MaryAnn, you are not very lovable.
• 1:35
  In fact, I find you to be downright annoying," then guess what?
• 1:39
  That's their opinion.
• 1:40
  They are entitled to their opinion, and that's just fine.
• 1:43
  The truth is that there are people on this planet that don't really like me, and that's okay.
• 1:48
  And what if that actually doesn't mean as much about me as it does the other person's ability to love other people, their own capacity to love others?
• 1:58
  It can be really, really easy to fall into the trap of thinking that,"Okay, well, I need to change who I am so that other people will like me, so that they'll love me more, so they'll love me better," it can be so tempting to live life like a chameleon and kind of shift and change who it is that we are depending on who it is that we're currently sharing the space with.
• 2:16
  Sometimes it can feel like,"No, but it's gonna be safer if I can just make myself smaller.
• 2:21
  If I can make myself have no needs, then I will be easier to love.
• 2:24
  That is the way to increase my lovability." But the truth is that everything shifts when we're able to shift our mindset from how can I become more lovable to other people into how can I increase my own love ability, my own capacity to love?
• 2:41
  Now, let me be clear that as I talk about this, I'm not talking about becoming a doormat.
• 2:46
  I'm not saying,"Nope, if you love them, you have to let them use you.
• 2:48
  You have to let them abuse you.
• 2:49
  You have to tolerate mistreatment." That is not what I am saying, okay?
• 2:53
  It does not mean that you allow other people to take advantage of you or to be intentionally cruel or hurtful.
• 2:59
  And the truth is that you can actually love somebody without approving of their behavior, without condoning their misconduct, and sometimes love, it says no, okay?
• 3:10
  We're gonna talk about that more in a little bit.
• 3:12
  You can disapprove of how somebody is showing up and still choose to love them.
• 3:18
  And all that any of us need to do in order to feel and experience more love is simply change our thoughts.
• 3:24
  That's it.
• 3:25
  Now, we have talked about manuals several times here on the podcast before.
• 3:29
  So check out the show notes if you want some links to some other content around this.
• 3:32
  If you're new here, go and check those out.
• 3:34
  But let me kind of recap really quickly what manuals are and how manuals apply to our love ability.
• 3:41
  So basically then a manual is our invisible list of instructions for how we think other people should think and feel and show up in life.
• 3:50
  And often, when somebody doesn't do what our manual says that they should do, then it can actually get in the way of our loving them.
• 3:57
  And the more detailed our manual is, the more upset we become when we believe that the other people, they aren't behaving right.
• 4:03
  Whatever that means, right?
• 4:04
  We just made it up that this is how they're supposed to behave.
• 4:07
  And basically, when somebody doesn't follow our invisible list of instructions, we get upset about it, right?
• 4:13
  This happened to me all the time, especially as a new mom.
• 4:16
  Now, when I was a new mom, then I had this belief that my children, if I was a good parent, they were gonna be perfect little angels.
• 4:22
  They would never break anything.
• 4:24
  They would just be just so sweet all the time.
• 4:27
  I have all daughters, and so in my mind, I thought,"Okay, there's not gonna be any rough-and-tumble play.
• 4:32
  They're just gonna be so sweet.
• 4:33
  We'll just have a lot of tea parties and wear fancy dresses, and it's just gonna be so amazing." And yeah, all of you mothers out there, I can hear you laughing over here because boy, was I wrong.
• 4:44
  So when something would inevitably break in the house, then initially then I would respond very emotionally.
• 4:51
  So I might say something like,"What was that?
• 4:53
  What did you do?" Because this was not going according to my manual.
• 4:57
  This was not going according to my plan.
• 5:00
  And when I was responding in that way, when I was having this emotional reaction, it was getting in the way of my love ability, and it didn't help my relationship with my kids, it didn't create an environment where my kids would come to me if they made a mistake because I would be scary mom.
• 5:15
  It didn't create an environment where they would come to me and say,"Oh, hey, can you help me?
• 5:19
  This needs fixing," or,"Oops, I made a mess.
• 5:21
  Can you help me clean it up?" It made it unsafe for my kids to do that because of my emotional reaction, and that's because I wasn't prioritizing love.
• 5:31
  Instead, I was reacting to them not meeting my invisible manual.
• 5:36
  And also, that emotional reaction, it wasn't making me into the mom that I wanted to be.
• 5:42
  So after I came to realize how it was that I was responding to my children, then I was able to change it, and I'm not going to lie to you, it did take some practice.
• 5:51
  But over time, I was able to change my default setting from,"What did you do?" into first asking,"Are you okay?" And then after finding out if they were okay or not, then I could ask,"Hey, okay, well, what broke?
• 6:04
  What do we need to do in order to clean it up?" And it completely shifted the experience for all of us, and it made a huge difference in my ability to love and connect with my children.
• 6:15
  My kids were still gonna be kids.
• 6:17
  Things were still going to break.
• 6:18
  But when I decided to just put my manual down and let my kids be who it is that they are instead of who I thought that they should be, then I was better able to love them.
• 6:29
  So think for a moment about where you have these invisible lists of instructions, and a very easy way to find them is think about what relationships are you reacting to emotionally the most.
• 6:39
  Are you having a big emotional reaction to your mother-in-law, to your partner, to your children, to your friends?
• 6:45
  What's happening for you, and what does your manual say?
• 6:48
  And get really curious about, okay, what might happen if I just decided to put my manual down?
• 6:55
  What if you just decided that, okay, I'm not going to have a manual for other humans anymore, not for my kids, not for other adults, not for my child's teacher, not for the other people on the road.
• 7:06
  I'm just gonna pop my popcorn, and I'm gonna sit back, and I'm just gonna ask,"Okay, hey, I can't wait to see how the humans are gonna show up today." How are the humans going to human?
• 7:15
  What are they going to do?
• 7:16
  How are they going to react?
• 7:18
  Because guess what?
• 7:19
  Humans, they just constantly surprise you.
• 7:21
  So what if we got curious about, ooh, I wonder if there's gonna be a plot twist here.
• 7:26
  I wonder what they're going to do.
• 7:27
  What decision are they going to make?
• 7:28
  How are they going to navigate this?
• 7:30
  Instead of holding people to our invisible list of instructions, what might change for you?
• 7:36
  Now, let me be clear that I am not saying that you don't have standards, but I am saying what might happen if you just decided to just put down the manual.
• 7:44
  For example, let's assume that you have an absolutely incredible son.
• 7:48
  You absolutely adore him, and he makes a choice to do something that was not a part of your plan for him.
• 7:55
  Are you going to allow your expectations of him to limit your love ability or your ability to love him?
• 8:02
  And what if instead, if you just made the conscious decision that,"Hey, I'm still going to love him even if he makes choices that I don't like or that I don't understand"?
• 8:10
  What if you chose to still love him even when he does things that you don't want him to do?
• 8:15
  And what if you chose to still love him even if he didn't do the things that you did want him to do?
• 8:21
  Now, let me give you a few examples here, okay?
• 8:23
  Pam, she knows exactly what is gonna make her daughter Ivy so happy is to go to college and to get a degree.
• 8:29
  Because going to college, it's gonna help her to have financial stability.
• 8:33
  It's gonna give her opportunities to live away from home and have some independence.
• 8:37
  It's gonna provide social opportunities, exposure to different cultures, life lessons that Ivy would not experience if she had just stayed at home.
• 8:45
  And she knows that this is the path that Ivy should take because guess what?
• 8:48
  Pam went to college, and it was the best decision that she ever made.
• 8:51
  And so yeah, of course, she's going to want the same thing for her kid.
• 8:55
  She knows that that path is amazing because she took it and it was great.
• 8:59
  But the thing is, Ivy, she doesn't actually want to go to college.
• 9:04
  She wants to apprentice to become a tattoo artist, and that is not a part of Pam's plan for her.
• 9:10
  This was not a part of the manual that she had for her daughter, and so now Pam is faced with a choice.
• 9:15
  So she could choose to let this decision impact her ability to love her daughter.
• 9:20
  She could choose to constantly bring up how challenging it can be to run your own business, how unpredictable the arts can be, how she doesn't think that Ivy will ever be able to afford a home, let alone pay rent working as a tattoo artist.
• 9:32
  She could talk about the whole starving artist idea, right?
• 9:35
  But what would that create for them in their relationship?
• 9:38
  More than likely, it would only create distance between the two of them.
• 9:43
  And having more distance, it might actually make it harder for Ivy to feel safe and comfortable bringing things to her mom moving forward when she needed to make a decision and she wanted input.
• 9:53
  It might make it harder for her to go to her mom.
• 9:55
  And that might make it even harder for Pam to have any influence over her daughter's decision-making at all.
• 10:01
  And that's one option, right?
• 10:02
  That's one way that things could turn out.
• 10:04
  Or Pam could just choose to throw out the manual for who she thought her daughter should be, and instead choose to love and celebrate the daughter that she actually has.
• 10:14
  She could choose to support Ivy as Ivy tries to figure out her next steps.
• 10:18
  So she could be there with Ivy, figuring out,"Okay, well, how do I figure out where I can apprentice?" As she figures out her earning potential, marketing, and all of the things that come with being a freelance artist.
• 10:28
  She could choose to become Ivy's biggest supporter and biggest cheerleader.
• 10:32
  She could choose to be Ivy's sounding board as she tries to navigate this new space.
• 10:37
  She could trust that Ivy is doing what is best for Ivy, and that Ivy, she just might become the best tattoo artist in town with a super long waiting list because she's just that amazing.
• 10:47
  And if she shows up in that way, how might that impact their relationship?
• 10:52
  More than likely, that will create closeness, connection, and excitement for each other as they explore this new path together.
• 11:00
  Or maybe Pam could even choose to believe that, you know what, maybe Ivy will be successful as a tattoo artist, and maybe she won't, and it's always okay and never too late to course-correct.
• 11:12
  Now, I wanted to make sure that I had my numbers right before saying this, but I did look this up right before recording.
• 11:17
  But did you know that the average number of times that the average person changes careers in their lifetime is five to seven times?
• 11:25
  And that's just the average.
• 11:26
  That means some people change more than that.
• 11:28
  So what if it's okay for Ivy to learn a few new skills as she learns how to run her own tattoo business, and then she takes that knowledge into her next career?
• 11:37
  Maybe nothing is wrong with her decision.
• 11:40
  Maybe it's not the end of the world.
• 11:42
  Sometimes when we're feeling a lot of emotions about something, it can be helpful to just kind of zoom out a little bit and ask yourself,"Okay, what is it that I ultimately want here?" And now I'm reminded as I'm saying this of my Spice Girl episode, yeah, where I sang to you,"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want." Maybe I better link that one in the show notes too.
• 12:01
  But really ask yourself, what is it that you ultimately want?
• 12:04
  Because I am guessing that what you ultimately want is not for your child to depend upon you for every single decision, to not be able to make any decision on their own without running it by you first.
• 12:16
  I'm pretty sure what you ultimately want as a parent, because it's what every parent wants, is to raise a child that's able to make decisions for themselves.
• 12:24
  And when they make a mistake, if it is a mistake, to learn how to course-correct.
• 12:28
  So remembering that, that, okay, that's what I actually want, can help you to show up in more love and support as your child navigates new things.
• 12:36
  All right, another example.
• 12:38
  Emma had asked her parents if they would watch her children for an overnighter while she went to a conference.
• 12:43
  And when she got back from the conference, her parents said,"Oh yeah, everything went great, but boy, we were so tired.
• 12:48
  I feel kinda bad, but the kids put themselves to bed.
• 12:51
  We're gonna need a nap later.
• 12:52
  Boy, we're not as young as we used to be." And it was all said in a very playful way.
• 12:57
  But when they said that, Emma became upset.
• 13:00
  Her manual in her head said that grandparents, they should want to spend time with their grandkids.
• 13:05
  So that means they should want to stay up late.
• 13:08
  They should want to do crafts.
• 13:09
  They should want to do activities, and they definitely should not complain about spending time with them, and they should not need a break after spending time with the grandkids.
• 13:18
  In fact, they should be more energized after spending time with the grandchildren.
• 13:22
  And if they are more energized after spending time with the grandkids, then that means they actually like their grandchildren.
• 13:29
  But having that belief, having that written in her manual, it was actually making it so much harder for her to love her parents.
• 13:36
  It was making it so much harder for her to see their limitations.
• 13:39
  And yeah, the limitations that they were facing, they were not due to a lack of love for the grandchildren.
• 13:45
  Their limitations were just due to age and just being tired.
• 13:48
  And believing that her elderly parents should have a different capacity than what they currently had, it was actually creating a lot of resentment for her and not a lot of love.
• 13:57
  So what if she just put the manual down and instead got curious about her parents' current capacity?
• 14:04
  What if she loved her parents enough to just ask them questions?
• 14:08
  If she was willing to ask them and say,"Hey, I know that you've been having a harder time getting around lately, and I noticed that you've been needing more recovery time after hanging out with the kids.
• 14:17
  Are overnighters still something you feel like you can do, or would daytime sitting be better?
• 14:22
  How much time do you feel that you're able to handle the kids right now?" What if she was willing to love her parents exactly as they are, even if they got tired?
• 14:31
  Okay, one more example.
• 14:33
  Tina is on her second marriage, and so is her husband, John.
• 14:37
  And when they go together to the kids' soccer games, then she's noticed that John, he seems to have some very pleasant conversations with his ex-wife.
• 14:44
  They seem to communicate very easily about school activities, doctor's appointments, and other events going on in town.
• 14:50
  But Tina, her experience has been different.
• 14:53
  She only talks to her ex if she absolutely has to.
• 14:57
  And when she does talk to her ex, they're not super friendly.
• 15:00
  Tina has it in her manual that nobody should get along with their ex because they're an ex for a reason.
• 15:06
  She believes that if John is being kind and collaborative with his ex, then it must mean that he's being unfair to her or unfaithful to her, and that he doesn't care about her as much.
• 15:16
  And that thought, it is creating so much anger and resentment for her and her marriage.
• 15:21
  And it's also creating this sense of competition inside of her when really there's no competition.
• 15:26
  And most importantly, it is actually decreasing her lovability when it comes to her own husband and she and her husband's co-parent.
• 15:36
  But what if Tina was open to the idea that not everybody shares her experience when it comes to exes?
• 15:41
  What if she was a little bit more open to the possibility that having an ex that is collaborative, it might actually benefit her directly?
• 15:50
  Oftentimes, it's our own expectations that limit our love ability.
• 15:54
  But the thing is, the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment when somebody doesn't meet those expectations.
• 16:01
  So this week, just practice leading with curiosity.
• 16:04
  Get curious about where it is that you might be struggling with your love ability and get curious about what small change you might be able to make to not only better love those around you, but to better love yourself.
• 16:15
  So maybe this means just putting down the manual.
• 16:17
  Maybe it means popping some popcorn and just getting curious about, boy, I wonder how the humans are going to human today.
• 16:24
  Because humans, they just might surprise you.
• 16:26
  Okay, now as I said in the beginning, putting down your manuals and your expectations for other people, it does not mean becoming a doormat.
• 16:34
  Next week, we're going to be talking a little bit more about what it looks like to set boundaries and to say no with a high level of love ability.
• 16:43
  So make sure that you're subscribed here to the podcast so you don't miss it.
• 16:46
  And also, just one small request before I go.
• 16:49
  If you wouldn't mind leaving me a review here on the podcast, I would really appreciate it.
• 16:53
  It really does help other listeners like you to find me, and it gives me a little bit of a boost in the algorithm.
• 16:59
  So thank you in advance for the reviews and for the shares, and I hope you have a great week.
• 17:04
  All right, I'll see you next time.
• 17:05
  Bye now