Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Why Most Families Feel Stuck and How to Fix It

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Why Most Families Feel Stuck and How to Fix It · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Today on the Happy Families Podcast, the thing that moves
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Speaker 1: the needle for us most when it comes to making
0:11
Speaker 1: family life work. We've talked about it before, but every
0:15
Speaker 1: time we discuss it on the pod, we get people saying, oh,
0:18
Speaker 1: my goodness, I've got to try this. This is going
0:20
Speaker 1: to be a game changer, and it is if you
0:23
Speaker 1: have a family, if you want your family to function better,
0:26
Speaker 1: you want to hear what we do every twelve weeks
0:28
Speaker 1: to make sure that ours is I was going to say,
0:32
Speaker 1: humming in tune, firing on all four or six. I
0:36
Speaker 1: have many cylinders. You've got, My goodness, we have eight cylinders.
0:38
Speaker 1: We've got eight people in our family. Stay with us,
0:41
Speaker 1: because next we will tell you exactly what it is
0:43
Speaker 1: that makes our family function best and how you can
0:46
Speaker 1: do it too. It's the Happy Families Podcast. Next. Hello,
0:52
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
0:54
Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
0:58
Speaker 1: parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie calls in the start
1:00
Speaker 1: of this pod. In the introduction, I've said the one thing,
1:04
Speaker 1: maybe the one thing, one of the biggest things that
1:05
Speaker 1: we do to make sure that we're on the same
1:07
Speaker 1: page that our families functioning well, that we're firing on
1:09
Speaker 1: all eight cylinders because we've got six kids to post
1:11
Speaker 1: you when I makes eight, What are we doing? What's
1:14
Speaker 1: happening here? We talk about this from time to time,
1:16
Speaker 1: and yet every single time we talk about it, people go, oh,
1:20
Speaker 1: that's a great idea. Oh, that's d I remember you
1:22
Speaker 1: talking about that. And I said I was going to
1:23
Speaker 1: do something and I didn't. And while we were doing
1:27
Speaker 1: this particular thing just over the last few days, somebody
1:31
Speaker 1: asked us what we're up to. We explained what it was,
1:33
Speaker 1: and they were like, oh, my goodness, I have got
1:35
Speaker 1: to start doing this. In fact, let me go further.
1:38
Speaker 1: It was a breakfast presenter for one of the biggest
1:41
Speaker 1: radio stations in the country.
1:42
Speaker 2: Well, her comment was actually the best hour. She says,
1:45
Speaker 2: I'm not telling him this quarterly. I'm telling him it's monthly.
1:49
Speaker 2: I want this in my life. She also did suggest
1:53
Speaker 2: that when they go out to dinner, she pulls out the.
1:55
Speaker 1: Notebook and he goes, of course, here we go.
1:58
Speaker 2: There's an agenda.
1:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get into it. We call this
2:01
Speaker 1: our quarterly getaway or our quarterly immersion, and the background
2:05
Speaker 1: is really really simple. Years ago, when I did a
2:08
Speaker 1: lot more corporate work, I would often talk about what
2:11
Speaker 1: is the most important thing in your life? And people
2:13
Speaker 1: would say my family, and I'd say, well, we're here
2:15
Speaker 1: talking about business, but when was the last time you
2:16
Speaker 1: went away to a seminar to work out how to
2:19
Speaker 1: do things better with your family? And everyone I don't know,
2:21
Speaker 1: So I said to them, when you are working in
2:24
Speaker 1: your business, how often do you sit down and put
2:26
Speaker 1: together your year or your quarter or your week, like
2:29
Speaker 1: what's your rhythm for that? And most people who are
2:31
Speaker 1: running moderately to highly successful businesses will tell you that
2:35
Speaker 1: they have quarterly goals, monthly goals, weekly goals, and they've
2:38
Speaker 1: got their annual big picture. But they tend to work
2:41
Speaker 1: in quarters. It's quarter one, quarter two, quarter three, quarter four.
2:45
Speaker 1: Everything's based on quarters, and it's either upscaled or broken
2:47
Speaker 1: down from there. And they do these quarterly business meetings,
2:52
Speaker 1: these quarterly strategy sessions. And I said, well, if your
2:55
Speaker 1: family is the most important thing in your life, when
2:57
Speaker 1: was the last time you had a quarterly strategy session
2:59
Speaker 1: for your family? And everyone in this conference just looked
3:02
Speaker 1: at me like I had eaten a bad burrito, Like,
3:04
Speaker 1: what is this guy going on about? Where is this
3:06
Speaker 1: coming from? And I said, no, seriously, what would that
3:08
Speaker 1: look like? And they had no idea anyway. You and
3:10
Speaker 1: I had been talking about it. We had been doing
3:12
Speaker 1: it for a while, this quarterly immersion. I've got a
3:14
Speaker 1: friend who is very, very highly placed in the finance industry.
3:17
Speaker 1: When I talked to him about it, he started doing
3:19
Speaker 1: it with his wife. He got back to me about
3:21
Speaker 1: a year later and said, we've done four of them.
3:22
Speaker 1: It's changed our lives. And it's literally as follows, based
3:26
Speaker 1: on your circumstances, because everyone's going to be in a
3:28
Speaker 1: different situation. You and your partner disappear for two nights.
3:34
Speaker 2: If you care well, the kids disappear, or the kids
3:37
Speaker 2: the kids go to the grandparents, whatever.
3:38
Speaker 1: It depends on who you've got to support you and
3:41
Speaker 1: how that will work, and it depends on the age
3:42
Speaker 1: of your children and so on and so forth. We
3:44
Speaker 1: didn't do it for a couple of years because it
3:47
Speaker 1: was just too hard. But you go away or the
3:50
Speaker 1: kids go away, and maybe.
3:51
Speaker 2: You can't do two nights. I mean that's the.
3:53
Speaker 1: Dream, right, two nights.
3:54
Speaker 2: I can't If you can't do the nights. Just give
3:58
Speaker 2: us up a day. Yeah, you're at school and from
4:00
Speaker 2: nine to three you were just immersed in this.
4:03
Speaker 1: You take a day of anual leave, or you do
4:04
Speaker 1: it on a Saturday when the kids are organizing playdates
4:07
Speaker 1: and you lock in a number of hours and you
4:09
Speaker 1: get focused on your family. If the family is the
4:12
Speaker 1: most important thing in your life, then you get focused
4:14
Speaker 1: on the family. So you and I our rules are
4:16
Speaker 1: as follows. We go away for two nights. We try
4:19
Speaker 1: to get to wherever we're going early afternoon so that
4:21
Speaker 1: we've got the afternoon in the evening, then all of
4:23
Speaker 1: the next day because we're going to be checking out
4:25
Speaker 1: at like ten o'clock the morning of the final day.
4:28
Speaker 1: Number two, we stay within about an hour of home
4:30
Speaker 1: ish And the reason for that is we don't want
4:32
Speaker 1: to waste a whole lot of time traveling. This is
4:34
Speaker 1: about getting high quality time together and being focused on
4:37
Speaker 1: what's going on. Number three, we've got a very clear agenda.
4:40
Speaker 1: While we want to have a lot of fun, we
4:42
Speaker 1: want to really enjoy spending time together. We've got stuff
4:45
Speaker 1: that we've got to talk about, but we also run
4:48
Speaker 1: Number four want to have some fun. We want to
4:50
Speaker 1: be able to enjoy it. It's not all business, because
4:52
Speaker 1: otherwise that'd be less fun. So we want to make
4:56
Speaker 1: sure we have fun. Have I missed any rules or
4:58
Speaker 1: is that about it? No, that's good corporate.
5:00
Speaker 2: The reality is that it can be hard to find
5:04
Speaker 2: the balance sometimes. Sometimes we've had getaways where it's been
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Speaker 2: too much fun and we haven't done a lot of.
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Speaker 1: Talking, and I've come home annoyed at you because you
5:12
Speaker 1: always want to have fun and I want to be
5:14
Speaker 1: serious and we didn't get the stuff.
5:15
Speaker 2: And any other times, and there's I've been other times
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Speaker 2: where it's been all serious and not enough.
5:19
Speaker 1: Fun and I come home cranky at me because you
5:22
Speaker 1: didn't get to have any fun and that was all
5:23
Speaker 1: about the agenda.
5:25
Speaker 2: So it does take it takes time to kind of
5:29
Speaker 2: work it out, but the balance. Finding the balance is
5:32
Speaker 2: really important. It's such a huge touch point in our
5:36
Speaker 2: relationship to be able to have two nights. It's not
5:41
Speaker 2: worry about the days, just two nights of uninterrupted time,
5:46
Speaker 2: conversations can be had without having to stop and then
5:48
Speaker 2: forgetting where you were because there's been three major challenges
5:54
Speaker 2: in the kitchen. Yeah, something's on fire the last fifteen
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Speaker 2: minutes every time.
5:59
Speaker 1: We go away, the phone doesn't stop bringing the kids
6:00
Speaker 1: like she's not being nice.
6:02
Speaker 2: That is our fault. We could just turn the phones
6:04
Speaker 2: off and say we're not contacted.
6:05
Speaker 1: Well, then I wouldn't be pairing expert. So after the break,
6:08
Speaker 1: we're going to take you behind the curtain. We're going
6:10
Speaker 1: to tell you exactly what we talked about on our
6:12
Speaker 1: weekend away so that you can put your own agenda
6:14
Speaker 1: together based on this as inspiration hopefully maybe perhaps and
6:18
Speaker 1: make your quarterly getaways, your quarterly immersions become par for
6:23
Speaker 1: the course for what your family does, to get on
6:25
Speaker 1: the same page and to absolutely thrive and flourish statements.
6:37
Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Families podcast giving a
6:39
Speaker 1: peek behind the curtain what happened on our weekend away.
6:43
Speaker 1: So Kylie, let's go through the agenda items. What did
6:46
Speaker 1: we discuss? What should people consider putting on their agenda.
6:50
Speaker 2: I think the most important thing first of all is
6:53
Speaker 2: to start with a bit of a mind map, sit down,
6:55
Speaker 2: brainstorm together. What are the areas of your life, like
6:57
Speaker 2: all of them, put them all on the page. That's
7:00
Speaker 2: why there's thirty pages of notes because as we pulled
7:03
Speaker 2: our lives apart my mud map. It had each of
7:08
Speaker 2: our kids' names. There's six things to talk about, all
7:10
Speaker 2: of a sudden, holidays, homeschooling, time with friends, what does
7:14
Speaker 2: a calendar look like, screens and devices, What hasn't gone well?
7:18
Speaker 2: What's worked this year? Our finances, extra curricular our spiritual lives,
7:22
Speaker 2: family dinners, renovations, physical fitness, babysitting, like it just keeps going.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and that doesn't include all the stuff that we
7:30
Speaker 1: talk about in relation to the business. So there's the podcast,
7:33
Speaker 1: and there's the writing and the books and the travel
7:35
Speaker 1: and everything that I'm doing from a business point of view.
7:37
Speaker 1: There's a day's worth of conversation just in that easily.
7:41
Speaker 1: So let's get into the nitty gritty to the well,
7:43
Speaker 1: we're not going to go nitty gritty, but let's know.
7:45
Speaker 2: What the exciting thing is. Once you've got that mud map,
7:48
Speaker 2: you can pull things apart, and some of those things
7:49
Speaker 2: are going to take five minutes to talk about. Some
7:51
Speaker 2: of those things you're going to be talking about all
7:53
Speaker 2: year because there's so much challenge and tension around how it.
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Speaker 1: Works, and there are some things where there's no resolution.
8:00
Speaker 1: This is just what we do, and so we want
8:02
Speaker 1: to make sure that we're working towards it. So the
8:04
Speaker 1: first thing that we picked up was I took you.
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Speaker 2: Down a bit of a rabbit hole. You don't really
8:09
Speaker 2: like it, but I asked you if you could pick
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Speaker 2: three words that would encompass how you saw twenty twenty.
8:17
Speaker 1: Six, how I want to feel at the end of
8:19
Speaker 1: the year.
8:20
Speaker 2: Feeling what would they be? And I think that has
8:23
Speaker 2: actually changed the way we came together this time.
8:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, we want to feel vital, we want to be
8:28
Speaker 1: really intentional, and we wanted to have high levels of connection.
8:32
Speaker 2: And so as we go through our weekly catch ups
8:35
Speaker 2: where we come together and we chat and we check in,
8:38
Speaker 2: we're able to tap in with those three.
8:40
Speaker 1: Words probably worth highlighting. We do the quarterly immersion, but
8:43
Speaker 1: then every week we just go through here are the
8:46
Speaker 1: main things that we talked about. Here were our goals,
8:48
Speaker 1: here's our focus.
8:49
Speaker 2: How do we go pages.
8:50
Speaker 1: No is just the summary, how are we going, what's working,
8:52
Speaker 1: what's not? Where do we need to get realigned? And
8:55
Speaker 1: that keeps us on track so that every twelve weeks
8:58
Speaker 1: when we sit down for this, we've got a really
9:00
Speaker 1: good assessment of where we're up to.
9:02
Speaker 2: So having that mud map. Having that focus then helps
9:06
Speaker 2: us as we move forward if we use that focus
9:09
Speaker 2: as the ability to look at each of these areas
9:13
Speaker 2: of our lives and how they are impacted by what
9:16
Speaker 2: we want to achieve.
9:17
Speaker 1: So, Kylie, once we had that set up, what's next
9:20
Speaker 1: for us?
9:20
Speaker 2: Spirituality is at the top of our list. That's how
9:23
Speaker 2: everything we do is governed by that. So we talked
9:26
Speaker 2: about our spiritual lives and what that looks like, and
9:28
Speaker 2: we broke it down into all the different areas that
9:30
Speaker 2: make up what we consider our spirituality.
9:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, what are we doing daily and weekly at a
9:34
Speaker 1: personal level and with the family to make sure that
9:38
Speaker 1: that's on track and helping we're serving people heading in
9:40
Speaker 1: the direction that matters.
9:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, Then we looked at our physical well being. This
9:44
Speaker 2: was a really big one and we've talked about this
9:46
Speaker 2: a lot, this journey that I'm on specifically, but you're
9:49
Speaker 2: joining me in well being and it does. It's not glamorous,
9:55
Speaker 2: but the idea that we are training for old age.
9:58
Speaker 2: We want to be strong, want to be It's not
10:01
Speaker 2: about being muscular and fit and all of that kind
10:03
Speaker 2: of stuff. It's about being strong mentally, physically, emotionally, so
10:07
Speaker 2: that we can carry ourselves for as long as we hear.
10:10
Speaker 1: So the critical thing about this, whether it's the spiritual
10:12
Speaker 1: or physical or anything that you're going to talk about
10:14
Speaker 1: in the next mineral two is we don't just say, well,
10:17
Speaker 1: what do we want to do? We talk about specific implementation. Okay,
10:20
Speaker 1: so let's say let's let's stick on physical healthful.
10:22
Speaker 2: We've break it down right. We looked at diet, We
10:24
Speaker 2: looked at our routine. We looked at exercise and.
10:26
Speaker 1: How many days we're going to exercise, What are we
10:28
Speaker 1: going to do for exercise, Where are we going to
10:30
Speaker 1: be doing it, who are we going to be doing
10:31
Speaker 1: it with, what time are we going to be doing it? Like,
10:33
Speaker 1: we broke it down so we know exactly what exercise
10:35
Speaker 1: looks like. Same with diet. What are we eating, what
10:37
Speaker 1: are we not eating? What's our meal lists, what's our program?
10:41
Speaker 1: How are we going to get it? Do we know
10:43
Speaker 1: enough about the diet that we need macros and micros
10:46
Speaker 1: and all that sort of stuff like this is why
10:48
Speaker 1: we need two days.
10:49
Speaker 2: And then if exercise is huge and diet is changing,
10:54
Speaker 2: which is going to require more of me in the kitchen,
10:56
Speaker 2: we actually have to look at routine. How are we
10:58
Speaker 2: going to make this happen.
10:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, So if we're going to have food and we're
11:01
Speaker 1: going to be eating at this time and we're going
11:02
Speaker 1: to go for a walk after dinner, that means we've
11:03
Speaker 1: got to have dinner at this time, which means we've
11:05
Speaker 1: got to start prepping at this time. And how is
11:06
Speaker 1: that going to work because we've got busy lives and
11:08
Speaker 1: we can't be at home at this time to get
11:09
Speaker 1: the prep thumbs and make sure we have the meal
11:10
Speaker 1: on time. So it's kind of like a reorganization of
11:13
Speaker 1: our lives so that we can achieve the things that
11:14
Speaker 1: we want, or recognizing that the things we want are
11:17
Speaker 1: unachievable and therefore making the compromises that are necessary to
11:22
Speaker 1: get as close to it as we can given what
11:23
Speaker 1: our life structures demand of us.
11:26
Speaker 2: So the next big one was finances. This actually spilled
11:29
Speaker 2: over on a few pages. We've set some really big
11:32
Speaker 2: goals this year, and we're working really really hard to
11:35
Speaker 2: achieve them. But then on top of setting those really
11:37
Speaker 2: big goals that we then set stretch goals. So we're
11:41
Speaker 2: going to try even harder than our big goals to
11:45
Speaker 2: achieve this. And what's really cool about the whole goal
11:48
Speaker 2: setting thing, and the idea of stretch goals is sometimes
11:51
Speaker 2: you're not going to make it. You're going to be completely,
11:54
Speaker 2: like just squashed.
11:58
Speaker 1: Our commitment is we are not fanatical about this. This
12:00
Speaker 1: is what we're working towards, and simply by being on
12:03
Speaker 1: the same page and working towards it, we get closer
12:06
Speaker 1: to it than we would if we didn't have these
12:07
Speaker 1: conversations at all and we were just flying by the
12:09
Speaker 1: seat of our pants. Okay, so we've got spiritual, we've
12:12
Speaker 1: got physical, we've got financial.
12:13
Speaker 2: Then we looked at family holidays. We broke the year
12:15
Speaker 2: up into quarters, and we looked at what we would
12:18
Speaker 2: like to do as a family in each of the quarters.
12:21
Speaker 2: So some quarters it's not even about going away. We've
12:24
Speaker 2: booked in family photos for this quarter. This is really
12:27
Speaker 2: important to us.
12:28
Speaker 1: Or one of the kids seeing their grandparents because the
12:29
Speaker 1: grandparents live a long way and how can we get
12:31
Speaker 1: them there.
12:31
Speaker 2: We've got a family holiday booked in later in the year.
12:33
Speaker 2: But then at the end of the year, we're just
12:35
Speaker 2: doing a family outing together.
12:36
Speaker 1: I remember speaking to friends and they had their holidays
12:39
Speaker 1: planned for this year and next year. That's going back
12:41
Speaker 1: years ago and I was like, who plans on holidays
12:44
Speaker 1: that foreign advance. But now we started doing this, it's like, Oh,
12:46
Speaker 1: we know where we're going and what we're doing because
12:48
Speaker 1: we've sat down and done the work. It's amazing.
12:51
Speaker 2: We talked about renovations huh, and we pulled them to pieces.
12:55
Speaker 2: And then we talked about work podcasts blah blah blah
12:58
Speaker 2: blah blah, and they're more finances. And then we started
13:01
Speaker 2: talking about relationships. We talked about just you and I,
13:04
Speaker 2: what were the things that irked us about each other,
13:06
Speaker 2: what we were driving each other crazy.
13:08
Speaker 1: A quick note on that, we don't say what's irking
13:11
Speaker 1: you right now, and we don't get into the nitty
13:13
Speaker 1: gritty of how we can be Oh.
13:15
Speaker 2: Let's just be real. You said you didn't like that
13:17
Speaker 2: I fart that seriously, we're getting into the nitty gritty here.
13:23
Speaker 2: And you may have also said at this quarterly getaway
13:26
Speaker 2: that it shows you that I love you the most
13:29
Speaker 2: when I don't fart in front of you.
13:31
Speaker 1: Yeah, there you go. That's real sacrifice because you'd feel
13:36
Speaker 1: better if you did, probably, but holding it in couple
13:39
Speaker 1: of you said on the podcast.
13:41
Speaker 2: We then we actually calendered our quarterly getaways yep. So
13:45
Speaker 2: we know exactly where we're going, when we're going, how
13:47
Speaker 2: we are going to achieve that.
13:49
Speaker 1: So they are locked in, which means that we are
13:50
Speaker 1: going to do this every quarter so that we can
13:53
Speaker 1: stay on the same page.
13:54
Speaker 2: We recommitted to monthly date nights and we calendared them.
13:58
Speaker 2: They're in the calendar. We know that on the fourth
14:01
Speaker 2: Friday of every month that is our night. And we
14:05
Speaker 2: also talked about our weekly catch ups and how that
14:08
Speaker 2: was important.
14:09
Speaker 1: And once we've done you and I, then we talk
14:11
Speaker 1: about each of the six children, and we also talk
14:14
Speaker 1: about time with friends. They're kind of the.
14:17
Speaker 2: Vitality and tension connection.
14:18
Speaker 1: Yep.
14:19
Speaker 2: If those are our goals, then these are the things
14:21
Speaker 2: that matter.
14:21
Speaker 1: And so we were planning on making this podcast last
14:24
Speaker 1: for approximately six minutes. We thought we could give you
14:26
Speaker 1: a quick run through of what we do when we
14:28
Speaker 1: have our quarterly getaway so that you can get the
14:30
Speaker 1: vibe and go on do it yourself. But as you
14:33
Speaker 1: can see, it's impossible to even describe it in less
14:35
Speaker 1: than fifteen and twenty minutes because there's so much to do.
14:40
Speaker 1: And yet, if I go back to the very first
14:42
Speaker 1: thing I said in the introduction of this podcast. It's
14:45
Speaker 1: these quarterly getaways and having these conversations about all these
14:48
Speaker 1: things that matter to us so profoundly that helps us
14:51
Speaker 1: to be aligned. It helps us to stay on the
14:54
Speaker 1: same page. It helps us to listen to one another
14:57
Speaker 1: and see what's important to the other so that we
14:59
Speaker 1: can consider that all the decisions that we make. And truly,
15:03
Speaker 1: I think that it's, if not at the very core
15:06
Speaker 1: of our success and happiness in our relationship, it's certainly
15:10
Speaker 1: one of several fundamentals that makes such a difference. Well,
15:14
Speaker 1: maybe it is because it allows us to discuss and
15:17
Speaker 1: review and plan for and work through everything that is
15:21
Speaker 1: fundamental to who we are as a couple and what
15:24
Speaker 1: our family is.
15:25
Speaker 2: So the absolute highlight from this weekend's getaway as we
15:29
Speaker 2: went through and revisited everything that we spoke about, specifically
15:34
Speaker 2: with the kids, that was actually the real powerful part
15:37
Speaker 2: for me was just being able to tickle those boxes
15:41
Speaker 2: and say, oh, my gosh, look like by tracking.
15:44
Speaker 1: Look at the progress over three months, we can see progress.
15:47
Speaker 1: How's it going to be at the end of the year.
15:48
Speaker 2: Because you get so caught up in the mundane of
15:51
Speaker 2: everyday life, it's so hard sometimes to see progress, but
15:54
Speaker 2: we actually have written proof of the things that we
15:57
Speaker 2: were worried about, the things that we talked about needed
16:00
Speaker 2: to happen, to improve things, and all of those things
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Speaker 2: have happened. And so the last thing is, now that
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Speaker 2: we've done that review, what are the action items moving forward?
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Speaker 2: Because it's about progress, it's about intention, it's about connection.
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Speaker 1: Okay, So that's what we did and that's what we
16:17
Speaker 1: think will make a big difference for you in your relationship.
16:21
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening, Have a great weekend. Alder
16:23
Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow returns next week as well as the other
16:26
Speaker 1: stuff we've got to talk about on the pod, which
16:28
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammon's
16:31
Speaker 1: provides research, admin and additional support, and if you would
16:34
Speaker 1: like to know how to make your family happier, visit
16:37
Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com dot a