Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 213 | The More Successful You Become, the Harder It Can Be to Trust Yourself

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213 | The More Successful You Become, the Harder It Can Be to Trust Yourself · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:01
  Erin Gray: You would think that the more successful that you become, the easier it is to trust yourself.
• 0:06
  Erin Gray: And what I've actually found is that I think that for a lot of women, if we aren't rooted in our knowing, if we aren't grounded, if we aren't trusting our intuition, I think the actual opposite happens.
• 0:17
  Erin Gray: So today I want to talk about why I think it happens and then what we can do instead to support ourselves.
• 0:22
  Erin Gray: So let's dive in.
• 0:25
  Erin Gray: Okay.
• 0:26
  Erin Gray: So the first thing I think about is more success.
• 0:29
  Erin Gray: However, you want to identify or extrapolate a meaning of what success means to you, however, you want to define it.
• 0:35
  Erin Gray: You know, whether it be more, more money, more cash in the bank.
• 0:40
  Erin Gray: And when I say more money, what I mean is more revenue, more team, more experts, whatever it might be.
• 0:46
  Erin Gray: I think when that happens, we can associate that with the feeling of more pressure around decisions, not less.
• 0:54
  Erin Gray: Because in our brains, in our nervous system, and a lot of this is gonna come back to like, what is your capacity to allow if the numbers are bigger?
• 1:04
  Erin Gray: What is your relationship with that?
• 1:06
  Erin Gray: Like, are you making the numbers being bigger mean something different than what you did when they were less?
• 1:12
  Erin Gray: If you have more team, what are you making that mean?
• 1:16
  Erin Gray: What kind of pressure are you putting on yourself?
• 1:18
  Erin Gray: Which this comes back to how are you in terms of people pleasing?
• 1:23
  Erin Gray: How are you in terms of, you know, leading and trusting yourself and following your intuition?
• 1:30
  Erin Gray: You know, we have access to more experts.
• 1:33
  Erin Gray: And so what I think is happens is that everyone starts to have an opinion, not that they didn't, but like it gets multiplied, right?
• 1:41
  Erin Gray: And so you really have to start filtering first and foremost, like, what is your thinking?
• 1:46
  Erin Gray: I think sometimes if if we aren't aware, if this is something we've always done, where we've always outsourced our authority, we've always asked somebody else, what do we think that we should be doing, versus getting clear with ourselves first, which is why I always tell clients, and I talk about this on the podcast, like, get in nature, get out of everybody's auric energy, be with yourself, spend lots of time by yourself, allow for space.
• 2:12
  Erin Gray: If you have more revenue, more team, more people wanting your time, your attention, your brain space, your thinking, what does that actually create in the body?
• 2:22
  Erin Gray: I don't want to dive into human design here, but I've got several episodes on pressure and the root center.
• 2:28
  Erin Gray: I think also too, if we have grown a business from pressure, then we just take that and we amplify that from a higher, you know, like we have more revenue, more team.
• 2:38
  Erin Gray: Like the pressure just gets amplified because that's all that we know.
• 2:42
  Erin Gray: And so I really think that you have to slow down.
• 2:46
  Erin Gray: You have to allow more space.
• 2:48
  Erin Gray: And I can hear some of you saying, like, that's great, Erin, in theory, but how do you actually do that?
• 2:52
  Erin Gray: Just like you would in the gym.
• 2:54
  Erin Gray: If I were to teach you how to deadlift, if I were to teach you how to squat, I wouldn't load the bar up and with 150 pounds and tell you, okay, squat.
• 3:03
  Erin Gray: I'm gonna start with the broomstick.
• 3:04
  Erin Gray: I'm gonna start with, is your form correct?
• 3:07
  Erin Gray: How does it feel in your body?
• 3:09
  Erin Gray: What do your muscles feel like?
• 3:10
  Erin Gray: I'm going to start on a very basic place and then I'm gonna work my way up with you with weights.
• 3:17
  Erin Gray: And this is no different than weightlifting.
• 3:19
  Erin Gray: Like you have to really start to think about to feel where is the pressure a habit?
• 3:26
  Erin Gray: Where am I used to putting pressure on myself that I don't actually need to put pressure on?
• 3:32
  Erin Gray: Where am I putting the weight of somebody else's opinion more than my own?
• 3:37
  Erin Gray: I think the second thing is is we can really start to outsource our knowing because we have access to more people, more mentors, more experts.
• 3:45
  Erin Gray: I don't like using that word, but you know, people that are in their craft for years and years and years, you know?
• 3:50
  Erin Gray: Somebody that's got 20 years in accounting, they're gonna have very probably potent and big opinions because they've been doing it for so long.
• 3:59
  Erin Gray: They've seen so many businesses.
• 4:02
  Erin Gray: That's not wrong.
• 4:03
  Erin Gray: It's actually amazing.
• 4:04
  Erin Gray: Like you wanna be able to work with people that know their craft, that are great at their craft, that love what they do.
• 4:10
  Erin Gray: But because we have more access, because our business has grown, because the demands, you know, like when you're starting out, you probably don't need an employment attorney.
• 4:19
  Erin Gray: You probably don't need a CPA the way you need a CPA now.
• 4:22
  Erin Gray: So you have CPAs, you have different types of attorneys.
• 4:26
  Erin Gray: You have your banker, you have your team.
• 4:28
  Erin Gray: If you're not tuned in and tapped into yourself, you're gonna hear everybody else's ideas before you hear your own.
• 4:34
  Erin Gray: And in my experience, like with people pleasing, I think as founders, like we want our people to love to work with us.
• 4:41
  Erin Gray: Like that doesn't feel like people pleasing to me.
• 4:43
  Erin Gray: That just feels like genuinely like I love that people love working with me.
• 4:47
  Erin Gray: Like that is something I really enjoy thinking about and having.
• 4:50
  Erin Gray: Like, I love that.
• 4:51
  Erin Gray: And so when you want to have people that enjoy working with you, when you value them, when you take what they're giving you, their thoughts, their beliefs, their ideas, and you're integrating it into what you want, you really have to first and foremost decide for yourself like where are you clear on what you want?
• 5:10
  Erin Gray: Where are you clear on what you won't tolerate or settle?
• 5:14
  Erin Gray: And you have to put yourself above everybody else.
• 5:17
  Erin Gray: And I think that this again, with practice, this gets easier, the guilt gets less, the shame gets less.
• 5:25
  Erin Gray: And I've talked about multiple times working with someone like with emotional release therapy, like you got to be doing the emotional work alongside the mindset work and the all of the action stuff.
• 5:35
  Erin Gray: But when you are used to being with people that you value them, and I always say, like, take what they give you, take all of their experience and their expertise and their years of wisdom and looking at all of the stuff that they've done, but you've got to run it through your filter.
• 5:52
  Erin Gray: Like I just had a conversation with our insurance agent the other day, and I was working on a subcontract with our tree company, and you know, some of the things that she was suggesting from an insurance perspective, I totally get because your insurance agent is always going to want to transfer risk, right?
• 6:06
  Erin Gray: Like that's always what it's about.
• 6:07
  Erin Gray: They're always going to want to protect you and they're making comments from that place.
• 6:11
  Erin Gray: But then there's also like the 3D real life world stuff that actually happens too.
• 6:15
  Erin Gray: And I told her, you know, I said, but if I was a sub, I wouldn't agree to what you're suggesting.
• 6:20
  Erin Gray: And she agreed with me.
• 6:21
  Erin Gray: She's like, I totally get it.
• 6:22
  Erin Gray: And also, I'm not telling you how to run your business.
• 6:24
  Erin Gray: I said, I know you're not telling me how to run my business, but you're also kind of looking at it from like just the insurance isolated event thing.
• 6:31
  Erin Gray: You also have to look at it as a subcontractor and like doing business with other people.
• 6:36
  Erin Gray: Like, I wouldn't agree to that either.
• 6:37
  Erin Gray: And so we had this lovely communication and conversation back to back, and she gave me things to think about.
• 6:42
  Erin Gray: But if I were to just blindly take her advice and say, well, you know what?
• 6:46
  Erin Gray: All subcontractors have to have, you know, work comp, even if they don't have employees, which is not required in the state of Idaho, then what would that have done possibly to subcontractors down the road, right?
• 6:57
  Erin Gray: Maybe that would have affected a relationship.
• 6:59
  Erin Gray: And you have people in your corner that are advising you, but you also have to bring it back to yourself and like, what do I want?
• 7:06
  Erin Gray: How do I want it to be a win-win for myself?
• 7:09
  Erin Gray: Along with this subcontractor that I'm working with this attorney, you know, I told her I was like, I want it to be a win-win.
• 7:14
  Erin Gray: Like, there's so much boilerplate contracts that I think a lot of attorneys just spit out.
• 7:20
  Erin Gray: And I really want it to be like easily readable contract.
• 7:23
  Erin Gray: I want it to protect us.
• 7:24
  Erin Gray: I want it to also be a win-win for the subcontractor as well.
• 7:27
  Erin Gray: Because being in the construction business, we've also been subcontractors.
• 7:30
  Erin Gray: And it doesn't feel so great when you feel like you're being cornered into a contract because this is the way that it is, and the GC is so hell-bent on, you know what, this is what the attorney set up.
• 7:40
  Erin Gray: And so I really think that you have to go back to like run it through your filter.
• 7:44
  Erin Gray: What does that look like?
• 7:45
  Erin Gray: And this is what the stuff that I love doing with clients because there will always be what I call the 3D advice, right?
• 7:52
  Erin Gray: Your CPA is always gonna go along with the tax code or gap or what they have seen.
• 7:57
  Erin Gray: But then there's this other part with your insurance agent, but there's this other part that I bring from the financial planning, from the real life, from running a business that it isn't always black and white.
• 8:09
  Erin Gray: There is some gray, no pun intended, right?
• 8:12
  Erin Gray: There is some gray to that where you have to actually look at it and be like, okay, but how do I want to run my business?
• 8:18
  Erin Gray: And I think that when we have access to these experts, if we're not careful, it and it doesn't happen like overnight.
• 8:25
  Erin Gray: And I don't think it happens like boldly, right?
• 8:28
  Erin Gray: I think it happens just a little bit at a time where we chip away and we stop questioning.
• 8:33
  Erin Gray: If we aren't mindful, we get in our heads, we aren't in our bodies, we're not trusting our intuition and we don't push back on some of the suggestions.
• 8:41
  Erin Gray: I'm not saying to override everything what your mentors are saying.
• 8:45
  Erin Gray: And this is where I go back to like my work is so nuanced.
• 8:48
  Erin Gray: And what I am saying is to run it through your filter and make sure that what you are agreeing to feels good for you.
• 8:55
  Erin Gray: That is a trusting for you, that you are trusting yourself above trusting somebody else.
• 9:01
  Erin Gray: And I think the overarching theme here is that the purpose of decisions, they're not to be perfect.
• 9:07
  Erin Gray: That does not exist.
• 9:09
  Erin Gray: It is to be a person that stands up for yourself, that trusts yourself, that has your own back, that believes in herself, that, you know, I talk so much about intuition, but coming from someone who never trusted her intuition to now someone who probably is in the 90 percentage, I don't do it perfectly, but I do it a lot better and a lot more than what I ever did before.
• 9:32
  Erin Gray: And someone that is going to have her own back and is going to love herself anyways, right?
• 9:38
  Erin Gray: So if you were to take the subcontract agreement, you were to take, let's say, the worst case scenario and something did happen with the subcontractor and they ended up filing against us and we didn't make them have work comp and all of those things.
• 9:49
  Erin Gray: Like, am I still gonna be a person that loves myself and be like, you know what, you made that decision with where you were at the time?
• 9:55
  Erin Gray: And, you know, yes, you might change your decision moving forward, but like, are you gonna beat yourself up or are you gonna be somebody who's gonna be there for yourself even when?
• 10:04
  Erin Gray: I love that phrase, even when.
• 10:06
  Erin Gray: Am I gonna love myself even when I have to let somebody go?
• 10:10
  Erin Gray: Am I gonna love myself even when I thought that was the best thing and it turned out not being?
• 10:14
  Erin Gray: Am I gonna love myself and I'm gonna talk kindly to myself even when the business isn't working out the way that I thought it would?
• 10:21
  Erin Gray: Whatever it might be, like I think that is the overarching of like, that's really what we're after.
• 10:27
  Erin Gray: We're really after a feeling always.
• 10:29
  Erin Gray: How am I treating myself?
• 10:31
  Erin Gray: How am I loving myself?
• 10:32
  Erin Gray: How am I being there for myself even when no one else is?
• 10:36
  Erin Gray: And I really want you to think about a couple of things to help you get into that space more frequently.
• 10:42
  Erin Gray: That is getting quiet.
• 10:44
  Erin Gray: That is turning off the podcast, including myself.
• 10:47
  Erin Gray: I'm a big podcast girl and listening and getting ideas and wisdom and things of that sort, but at some point we have to just turn off the noise.
• 10:55
  Erin Gray: Limit, constrict, or restrict who you listen to and how often you listen to them.
• 11:01
  Erin Gray: Like get quiet, allow for space, put this in your calendar, take in the information that you're receiving and then run it through your filter.
• 11:08
  Erin Gray: And this is a practice.
• 11:09
  Erin Gray: This doesn't happen overnight.
• 11:11
  Erin Gray: The more you do it, the better you get at it, the more you respond, the more you, I don't want to say analyze, but think about, contemplate, like, okay, what were they saying?
• 11:20
  Erin Gray: Why did I choose what I chose?
• 11:22
  Erin Gray: Obviously, hopefully it's intuition.
• 11:24
  Erin Gray: But like you have to zoom out and you have to give yourself the space to take in what you are being told and then to be able to run it through your filter.
• 11:34
  Erin Gray: And that doesn't happen when every single second is spoken for.
• 11:38
  Erin Gray: I think we don't value space enough.
• 11:41
  Erin Gray: If we have a moment, then we are either grabbing our phones or we're trying to turn on the music or we're trying to listen to a podcast or we're trying to read a book.
• 11:50
  Erin Gray: Like sometimes what we need to do is just stop doing all of those things and listen and be quiet and hear ourselves.
• 11:56
  Erin Gray: And I think the biggest thing, like I've said, is how do you treat yourself currently after you make a decision?
• 12:02
  Erin Gray: And how do you want to treat yourself?
• 12:04
  Erin Gray: I was your business bestie.
• 12:05
  Erin Gray: Would you treat me the same way?
• 12:07
  Erin Gray: And more often than not, the answer is no.
• 12:09
  Erin Gray: And so if you're not treating yourself kindly, like start there.
• 12:12
  Erin Gray: Like maybe we don't have to go all the way over to loving ourselves.
• 12:15
  Erin Gray: Maybe we can go to the middle of like, okay, I don't have to beat myself up.
• 12:18
  Erin Gray: I can just notice what I did.
• 12:20
  Erin Gray: I don't have to berate myself and like shame myself for the next week or two weeks.
• 12:25
  Erin Gray: Like that's what I used to do.
• 12:26
  Erin Gray: Like I would feel shame for weeks versus, okay, I see what I did.
• 12:33
  Erin Gray: Okay, I see what I could do differently.
• 12:35
  Erin Gray: And have some compassion for yourself.
• 12:37
  Erin Gray: You know, and if you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, I want someone who has walked this walk, who embodies this work, who doesn't just teach it in theory, who doesn't just sit beside somebody and say, This is a good idea because that's what sounds good, versus, yeah, I've done it.
• 12:52
  Erin Gray: I've been on your side, right?
• 12:53
  Erin Gray: Sometimes it doesn't feel so hot.
• 12:55
  Erin Gray: I know what you're going through.
• 12:57
  Erin Gray: And you want to be able to have someone that creates a safe space for you, but then it can also talk about the business stuff and that you can bring the emotional stuff to.
• 13:05
  Erin Gray: That's exactly the work that I do with my clients inside my private advisory.
• 13:09
  Erin Gray: And so if you are curious, you can inquire about working with me in the show notes.
• 13:13
  Erin Gray: And I just want to leave you with this you know, this is always a work in progress.
• 13:17
  Erin Gray: We're always going what I call that spiral staircase.
• 13:20
  Erin Gray: We're always getting better and better.
• 13:22
  Erin Gray: Our awareness is always growing, right?
• 13:24
  Erin Gray: I trust myself more now than I did a year ago.
• 13:27
  Erin Gray: I will trust myself more a year from now than I do today.
• 13:30
  Erin Gray: This is a process, this is a practice, but this is also us being willing to go there.
• 13:35
  Erin Gray: For us being willing to say, you know what, to the insurance agent, like I did yesterday.
• 13:40
  Erin Gray: I don't agree with this.
• 13:41
  Erin Gray: I totally get where you're coming from, but that's very like insurance-based.
• 13:46
  Erin Gray: We're not actually talking about it from a business standpoint because both need to exist.
• 13:50
  Erin Gray: So it's being willing to have those harder or more uncomfortable conversations.
• 13:56
  Erin Gray: If you're used to just always saying yes, it's going to feel a little uncomfortable for a bit.
• 14:00
  Erin Gray: Are you willing to feel uncomfortable to trust yourself more?
• 14:03
  Erin Gray: Are you willing to say, you know what, I don't agree with that to your team when you've been someone who's always been like, okay, yep, yep, okay, go with that.
• 14:12
  Erin Gray: And I think the more that we can be quiet, the more that we can connect to ourselves and to God and we can listen and we can stop talking and we can stop, like we have two ears and one mouth on purpose.
• 14:22
  Erin Gray: How can we listen more?
• 14:23
  Erin Gray: How can we get even more still?
• 14:24
  Erin Gray: And still doesn't necessarily mean you have to sit on a couch or you have to sit at your desk and be still.
• 14:28
  Erin Gray: Still can be, I'm gonna go ride my bike, I'm gonna go be in nature, and I'm just gonna ride my bike, and I'm gonna let come what needs to come to me, or I'm gonna go walk in nature, or whatever it might be.
• 14:37
  Erin Gray: Like, how can we bring more stillness, aka non consumption into our lives?
• 14:44
  Erin Gray: Okay, that's all I have for you today.
• 14:45
  Erin Gray: I'll see you in the next episode.