Latest / Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge / Co-Parenting Co-Operation with Lala Kent

Transcript

Co-Parenting Co-Operation with Lala Kent · Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is teddy Te PODB Hi, guys, welcome back to
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: teddy Te Pod. I'm on today co hosting with Katie Morton.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: She is a master and she sorry, I am here
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: co hosting with Katie Morton. She holds her master's in
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: clinical psychology from Pepperdine and as a licensed marriage and
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: family therapist. UM. She also has like an amazing YouTube,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: so you need to follow her. You're so nice, Thanks
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: for having me. I'm excited to be here, of course,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and we're talking all things co parenting and also just
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: to kind of touch on what's been going on here.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: If I sound a little somber today, Um, yesterday was
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: like such a shocking day as we're talking about parenting
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: and um, Kobe Bryant's passing and all of the family's
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: involved and hurt, and I I feel like I woke
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: up this morning with so much anxiety just thinking about
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: how each person that's there, you know, without a dad
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: or without parents are now now dealing and I just
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I really wanted to, you know, take a moment to say,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: like give your loved ones a hug, remember what you're
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: grateful for, and you know, it's just such a tough situation,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: it is and to think that I'm sure in that
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: moment he was wondering how he could protect her, what
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: he could do. There's nothing, it's it's really it's devastating,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: and I think, you know, we all feel it today
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: and UM, but yeah, so that's that. Just to be
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: completely transparent, that's kind of where I am today, and
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: you know, my love goes out to everybody involved. UM.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: But in another topic, something that comes up often UM
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: questions when it comes to me is on co parenting
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: because when I met my husband, he had a baby.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: I was recently divorced and he had recently had a baby,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: and um, most people on the show that watched the
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: show don't actually know that about me, and so then
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: they'll go to my Instagram and they're like, what's going on.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so good, what's happening? And now, I mean, now
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: she's eleven years old, and I think the biggest thing,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: you know, and a lot of people ask me about
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: co parenting, and the biggest thing for me has really
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: been about respect for the other parent and also being organized.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: I know it sounds crazy, but like having a set schedule,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: putting things in email, not like last minute phone calls
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: where things can get heated. But if you really try to,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: you know, put your love for the child first, organize things,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: and like have respect for the other parent, things seem
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: to run as smooth as possible. Yes, and kids thrive
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: on consistency, so having consistent schedules is key to them
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: feeling good through potentially if it's like a rough divorce
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: or something something that where it feels like their whole
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: life is kind of you know, not even not I
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: don't know, not safe, that gives them a safety And
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I think also it's if you do make a mistake
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: and you do say something that may rub somebody the
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: wrong way, or you do schedule something that's incorrect or
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: whatever it may be, it's okay to apologize. I think
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: so many of us double down when that happens and
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: like really try to own what we did wrong, and
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: then it's just causes so much more drama before we
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: get into the meat of things. I also want to say,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: we're gonna have on Laala Kent. You guys know her
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: from vander pomp Rules, I'm sure, and her fiance Randall
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: who they are in the midst of co parenting themselves.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: So we're going to ask them some questions. But before that,
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: I want to get through a lot of listener questions
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: with you because you're a professional. Um. The first question
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: that everybody's asking is what is a recommended book? Oh,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: on co parenting? Like they just want to get right
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: into it. I'd have to think on that one for
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: a minute. All right, we'll give you some time. Give
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: you some time to mark with a book. Okay. And
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: then something that happened, Um, we did a podcast on narcissism.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: If you guys haven't listened to it, it's a good one.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: It's a real doozy. I already like it, caring about
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: But the therapist that I had on that day, I
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: had asked, like, what do you do if you have
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: to co parent with a narcissist? And she responded, good luck.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: And a lot of my listeners are going, hey, no,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: we we we were doing this right now, give us
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: some advice. What do we know? What do we do? So?
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Do you have any advice on somebody that is co
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: parenting with a narcissist? Yes? And actually had a video
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: probably I don't know, time flies two years ago. I'm
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: not sure, Um, but about co parenting with a toxic
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: X and I think that goes childlike behavior, narcissism, anything
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: like that. The main thing is to keep it. Run
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: it like a business. It's not personal. It's business. So
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: you create a calendar that specific for the you know,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: navigating the times that who's going to have the children
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: and when and what, and you only interact through calendars
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: and emails and that's how it works, and there's no
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: last minute changes, and that's just I mean, I know
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: that life isn't perfect and there will be things that
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: come up, but that's the best way. And you keep
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: all of your interactions and communications direct and to the point.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Only about the instance. They'll try to pull it back
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: to be like you're such a horrible parent. They said
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: you did did dada? Who knows what they're saying, um
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: all garbage, and you just say, you know what, like
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I said, Sunday, I will bring them by it this
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: time and I'll see you. Then that's it. You don't
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: respond to any other like attempts to hook you into
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: a fight to the fment, don't play into the childish
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: tantrums are throwing you just keep it to the point.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: It's a business, it's not personal. Just keep telling yourself that,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: and that's why calendars emails. That's the easiest way. What
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: if the other person and narcissist or not is constantly
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: also feeding your children with this information, how do you
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: try to one shield your children from it, but also
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: give them a safe place to talk about things. I
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: think it's the thing that people worry about is how
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: are they going to verbalize things to kids, like worry
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: that their kids are gonna I don't know, absorb it
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: or think that mom's a jerk or dad's a jerk
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: or whatever. The best way is just to be honest
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: and say, you know, let's say your spouse, your ex
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: spouses and narcissist, you can say, you know, um, dad
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: can sometimes have a tough time expressing how he feels
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: and it can be hard for me, you know, and
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: that's part of the reason why we broke up. And
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: so if you ever have trouble that you can talk
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: to me about it and you're not really painting them
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: in a bad picture like there's such a jerk. You know.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: We don't want a name call. We don't want to
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: make children a messenger between um. We don't want to
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: trash talk the other spouse like in front of our children. Um,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: but that's just kind of calling it blankly what it
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: is and then allowing for open dialogue so that your
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: child feels like they can come to you and can
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: be like, yeah, you know mom or dad yelled at
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: me and then they threw a fit and then I
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: was embarrassed. We were at a restaurant. You know, who
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: knows what's happening. Then you'll get the real deal. But
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: what about if the X is like kind of ripping
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: you apart to the kids, So then the kids like
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: feel like they almost are doing double duty and like
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: trying to protect each parent on each side. But then
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: you start to see them kind of act out in
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: different ways or try to overprotect one parent. What do
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: you do if you see that happening? Get them in therapy?
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Get them in therapy. Yeah, because the truth is they
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: shouldn't be put in the middle. And you can tell
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: them like if you notice that stuff, or let's say
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: they say to you, like you know, mom or dad
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: said something bad about you, you can say, you know,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: they must be going through a hard time and you
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: don't have to listen to that. That's not something that
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: you have. So every time it happens just just too
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: now it's okay, you know, And what if you know
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: when this happens and you have constant worry when the
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: your child is with the other parent, how do you
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: relieve those worries and also know that your child is
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: being well taken care of? Like how do you get
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: rid of that anxiety? Your own therapy? I wish it
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: was easier, but I mean, but it's so hard. I mean,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: some people don't have that option. And if you don't, think, well,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: there's lots of options now, so because of you know,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: the Internet, magical internet. If you can't afford traditional therapy,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: or like let's say you live in like rural Indiana
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: and you're like, wow, we have one and they're Christian
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: and I'm not Christian, Like what do I do? Um?
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: There's better help. There's talk space, there's lots of online resources,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: or if you feel like you're in crisis, there's crisis
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: text line. You can text like help to seven four one,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: seven four one. Someone's there to talk you through it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: They're trained. Um, they're not licensed professionals, but they're trained
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: crisis counselors. So there's lots of resources out there. There's
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: probably even groups on Facebook you can get into. I
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: know that's not like professional help do. Sometimes it's just
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: nice to have someone be like support system. And this
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: is what I did and this is it was okay.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: And this is a funny question. Um, what do you
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: do if you're significant other doesn't have a pair of
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: balls to stand up to his ex wife or you
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: feel like he never has your back? And I mean
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: you hear this often because you all of a sudden
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: make it about you and you're like, why they don't
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: love me? Because they're not doing this for me. But
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: some people just don't want confrontation. A lot of people
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: don't want confrontation. It's uncomfortable. Who wants to fight? I mean,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I feel like you live in two spaces. Either enjoy
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the fights or you hate the fight. I'm the hate
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: the fighting same avoid avoid well, Like I try to
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: put it all out there at the beginning, all of
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: the information, so like, no matter who I'm talking to,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: regardless of what it's about. I'm like, if I put
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: all of my information at the beginning, then there's less
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: likely a need for confrontation exactly, not as many misunderstandings.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: And that is how you deal with this. So if
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you feel like your spouse isn't um, doesn't have your back,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: doesn't have balls to stand up to their X, if
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: it's affecting your relationship, I would encourage you to communicate
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: it in that way. It's not like you're such a
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: pussy you didn't stand up to that or whatever. Then
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: instead you can say like when when you don't stand
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: up for me in conversations with your ex, I end
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: up feeling like I'm not as important and that hurts
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: my feelings and then I don't feel as connected to you.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: But can I ask a question, I mean, just playing
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Devil's advocate here, why is there almost a need for
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: that conversation to stand up to the X? Like at
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: what point do you have to also take a little
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: self accountability and be like, what does it really matter
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: what so and so's X thinks of me? As long
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: as they know that I'm taking good care of there,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: you know, her son or daughter or whoever it may be.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I think it just depends on how it's affecting you
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: in your relationship, because it really part of it is
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: your work, Like you shouldn't we shouldn't care what they think.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: But if it's affecting us directly. Like if we're in
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: conversations together at the same place and you feel like
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: they're putting you down or ignoring your you know, comments,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: then it's worth saying something. But if it's just like
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: you know, she's talking to you to him and you're
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: like whatever, yeah, Like, then that's like your work to
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: be like I'm confident in who I am. That's like
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: your own positive self talk understanding, like, hey people, not
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: everyone's gonna like me, and that's okay. Yeah, And I
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: think it's a different thing if the X is talking
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: about you too their child and then setting up this
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: relationship that's not really are because of their own insecurity exactly. Yeah,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: that's you know, there's there's lines, right, So some of
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: it's you, some of its relationships with your spouse, some
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: of its relationships with children, and you get to decide
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: where it's okay and where it's not okay. But a
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: lot of it's just you know, working on yourself. So
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: you're like whatever, So what do you think the pros
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: and cons of having a sit down with your significant
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: other's X or you know, having a group meeting, Like
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: do you think those are actually beneficial or It depends
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: on the people involved. If one of those is the narcissist,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: it's not worth your time. Or if one is still
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: very petty, if you find them like, you know, always
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: putting you down. If you hear from your kids and
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: you hear in conversations ways that they're like undermining you
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: or saying nasty things, if they're very childlike, it's not
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: going to be beneficial. That's why emails, keeping it short
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: to the point, treating like a business calendars, that's where
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: it works. But if you all are just trying to
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: find the best way to work together. Let's say it's
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: a new thing and there hasn't been any real arguments
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: or disagreements yet, that's when I think it's like nipping
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: in the bud. So there's no preconceived notions. You don't
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: have any you know, experiences where ones like you did
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: this and I didn't like it, and you fed them
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: sugar late or let them stay up at you know,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: and I have to be the bad parents. If none
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: of that has happened, then you can have a real
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: conversation about how you want to co parent as a group,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: right um, and then what about family members? So like,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: if you're what if you're watching you know, two people
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: struggle trying to co parent, and then family members want
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to get involved, like the sister or the mom or
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: the blah blah blah, like what out tell him? Now,
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: tell him now, mind your own business. Exactly. It's only
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: going to make it more complicated. It's hard enough to
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: parent with two parents who love each other and are married,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: let alone throwing in another person when you get divorced,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: then you're married to someone else, and then just exponentially
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: more difficult as you had more people in because if
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: everybody has an opinion, and not everyone's opinion is like
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: actually worth taking into consideration at that time, only the
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: people parenting directly need to be involved. Yeah, I mean,
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I think it goes back to what you what you
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: said from the beginning, insistency being organized and sticking to
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: the to the schedule, and then there's less things that
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: you need to find out. And I can say the
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: same like when it goes for holidays, I mean, we
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: do our schedules for like we already know our summer schedule.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: You should. It makes it easier because like then we
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: can all just kind of plan ahead. There's no last
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: minute chaos. There's no like, oh, I was hoping for
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: this vacation that we could take an ounce your fault
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: that I can't take it with you know whatever. And
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: especially when you're adding more kids to the mix, because
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: we both have more kids, you know, like, it gets
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: more and more difficult. But that's why the structure is
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: really key, and I think it's key for the kids,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: and I think it's also key for the parents. Agreed
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: for your own sanity, um, and then something please cover
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: parental alien nation. It's so painful to experience. Yeah, I mean,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: i'd assume what they're talking about is like one parent
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: just letting the other parent take it because I don't
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: want to fight, so they're like, you can get full custody.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: That happens a lot, especially to men um. I have
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: a couple of clients over the years who loved being
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: a parent, but the ex wife was so difficult that
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: they just gave up because it was so they figured
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: it was harder on the child to fight. I'm not
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: sure if that's exactly what they're talking about, but i'd
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: assume it's like one parent just bowing out, being like
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I can't deal um. I think part of that is
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: just talking to that parent, making a point to be like, hey,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I would like you in my life. I would like
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to have a relationship. Um And then therapy because a
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: lot of being an adult and this sounds so sad,
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: and I don't mean it just sounds that. It's actually
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: how we grow, how we process what's happened when we
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: were younger. But a lot of being an adult is
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: just grieving what we thought our parents could be, because
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: that's like a dream. And then it's like the reality
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: is we're all you know, we're not infallible, we're imperfect beings,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: but we do the best we can. UM. And then
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: how with being very consistent, organized and all of those things,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: how do you deal with completely different parenting styles between households?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: You just do your best. I feel like you have
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: to let it, but you have to let them be there.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: It's like a boundary. What happens in my house is
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: my on my like my rules, it's it's what I
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: get to say. But then what happens in their house.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: You can't have control over other people. I swear to God,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: the sooner we all realize we don't have control over
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: other people. I can't manipulate situations to get you to
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: do what I want you to do. I can't. You
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: could try, but that's exhausting. So it's easier if you're like, hey,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: I can only control what I can do with my
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: kids and how I parent, and they get to parent
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: how they want to parent. I know it's hard. And
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: then what advice would you give to step parents in
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: regards to discipline and regards to making sure that they
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: are the best step parents possible. Get on the same
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: page with your spouse. So let's say your husband has
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: two children and that he brings into the marriage. Have
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: a conversation with him to pad how old the kids are, too.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: You might want to include them in the conversation, like
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: I want to be the best parent I can be.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: I understand I'm not your mom. I'm not trying to
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: replace your mom, but I want to be there for
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: you in the best way that I can. And so,
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: depending on their age, you could have a conversation with
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: them and your spouse or just your spouse. So it's
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: the same. It's consistent because even though you're a stepparent,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: and that's a very important rule, they've had other parents first,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: and so as long as you're in line with your spouse.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: It'll cause less disagreements between you and your spouse and
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: the kids because they're already used to that, you know
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: what I mean. If dad always acts this way and
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: stepmom max the same, it's consistent. Yeah. I mean for us,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: it's kind of all our you know, our family unit
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: has ever known, and so it's been, you know, such
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: an organic conversation for us. You know, like you're all
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: brothers and sisters and this is how it is. And
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: you know they don't ask. But where I notice we
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: get a lot of questions is like when we have
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: play dates, like hold on, uh, explain this to me?
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: What what does this mean? You know? Like, so how
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: do you explain siblings being half siblings to other people's kids?
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I guess just keeping it shortened to the point, be like,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: you know, I was married before and had another kid,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: and that's where they came from. But then I got
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: married to this dad and that's where they came from.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: I mean simple. Kids are just nosy and they answer
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: and then they keep they're like, but hold up, I
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: mean more, and then you hear you can hear the
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: kids like trying to explain it too. But then your
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: your kids are so young they don't even really understand it.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: So like even a couple of weeks ago, I let
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Slay watch this TV show that's like, I don't know,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I'm Nickelodeon or whatever. I guess it's like a little
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: bit more advanced. But it's like, come up to me
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: and she's like, Mom, I have a question for you.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Did you have a boyfriend ever before dad? And I
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: was like, uh, yes, I did. A matter of fact,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: I was actually married before your dad. And she was like, what, Like,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: what do you mean you could get married more than
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: one time? You know, like all these things. And I realized,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: like I don't really have all the answers to these questions,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: but I didn't want to tell her something that wasn't true.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: But it was like, you walked into something I walked.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: And so now almost like every day she's like, who
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: are you married to? Have we met him? You know,
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: like a little And I'm like, you know somebody that
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: mommy loved very much, But we were very young and
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: we got married and it didn't end up being something
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: that for the rest of my life. So the only
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: advice that I can give to you is yes, follow
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: your heart. But wait until you're really sure. Um. But
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: then she's like, but I'm the first baby you ever had. Right,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: It's like, quit trying to uncover this like scandal, but
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: it is funny. It's like they're trying to because children
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: act out of In the therapy world, we call it
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: kind of like a foundation, like a story that they
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: tell themselves about their family that makes them feel safe
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: to go out and have other relationships. Right. So her
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: the foundation was that you and daddy were like soulmates
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: and you've never been with anybody else, and you were
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: meant to be and you've been married and she's the
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: only you know what I mean. I remember I found
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: out my dad had been married before my mom when
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I was probably like ten year years old, and I
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: was like, what, did you have a whole another family?
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: He didn't. They were married for like six months. Yeah,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, but it does. It does throw children. Oh yeah.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Like but and then my son, on the other hand,
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: he could He's like, yeah, of course she did. And
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: he's like, whatever, Yeah, she's she had boyfriends. Well, girls
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: are different than boys. Like he just totally brushed it off,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: speaking of boyfriends and whatnot. Some somebody's asking in regards
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: to cheating husbands, how do I let my kids be
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: around new girlfriends after I'm so scorned after being cheated on.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: That's really hard and I totally get wanting to burn
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: down the house. I would feel that way, but I
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: think it's best to UM talk if you can. This
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: is hard, but if you can talk with your cheating
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: son of a you know, ex husband, UM have certain
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: rules around when they're able to meet, like you know,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: if you're just dating someone, because it's hard for kids
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: that people in and out of their lives, because they'll
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: ask like where'd Susie go? Where did Jenny go? I Like,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: you know they're going to wonder where these peop it went.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And so just I would talk to the um, your
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: spouse or ex spouse about like the fact that you
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: want it consistent for the kids. Try to keep your
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: emotion out of it. Be like, I'm happy if you
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: want to be with someone else, that's totally fine, even
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: if we're not. It doesn't matter. To lie through teeth
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: the straight face and then just say, you know, I
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: just don't want people in and out of the children's
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: lives and then wondering who these people are and where
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: they went and if they did something to make them leave,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: because kids will worry that like I did something to
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: ruin that. So just say, you know, until you feel
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: like it's serious, maybe nine months a year into a relationship,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Like don't have them around the kids a lot, you know,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: like if you go out to lunch, you're like, oh,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: this is my friend and they pop up, that's fine.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: But if they're consistently for me, I think that then
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: it's like almost like you're fibbing to the kids. And
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: kids are smart, yeah, I mean it depends on how
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: old your kids are, but even if your kids are like,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I just think. I mean I remember
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: meeting people that like my parents dated after they got
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: a divorce and being like this is my friend blah
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: blah blah, and I was like, yeah, whatever, how you
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: probably like seven, okay, and that's that's different. What's so yeah,
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: And that's old enough to be able to so I think,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, seven's it's on the cusp. I'd say like
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: eight and older. The girls are different too, but I
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: think once they're eight ten, you can have a conversation
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: where you're like, you know, mommy and daddy aren't together. Anymore.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: And this is the person that I'm going on a
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: date with. And do you know what dating means you
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: can have a conversation, is getting to know one another.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: I don't know if i'll like them. I don't know
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: if they'll like me. That's okay to talk to have
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: those kind of conversation when they're little, like you know,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: three four whatever, you can't really explain that to them. Yeah,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: they're like just putting their lightness together. What do you
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: think a healthy amount of time is before introducing somebody too,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I'd say six months. I think that's a fair because
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: you know, de on how quickly things move. But dating,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: if you're going out every other weekend or I mean,
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: you know, time flies by, I think And it's if
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: you're co parenting and you don't have the kids all
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: the time, you have time to date when you're not
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: with your kids. So it's easier take those weekends that
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: you have off from the children and then date. Just
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: to make it less complicated, yeah, unless less room for drama. Um,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: now we're gonna get on. We gotta take a little break,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: but then I think we're gonna bring on La La
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: and Randall and kind of talk about some of their
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: experiences with co parenting. So be right back. Hi guys,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: you are on with myself and Katie and we're so
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: happy to have you on. And we wanted to say
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: congratulations on Give Them La La with Randall podcast. You
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: guys are so cute. Thank you. No, you're listened to
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: your first one with Stacy. It was so good, So congratulations,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: we love it, Thank you, thank you. We have the
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: best and with her, she was like the most epic
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: first guy. Yeah, well she's so fun and so are
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: you guys. So we are happy that you are joining
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: us on the teapod. Yes, we're excited. So we are
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: going to dig right into it, the world of co parenting.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Ye to do it. I'm not really a beat around
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: the bush kind of gal. Let's be honest. I just
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: see that I could say. I mean, I didn't even
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I didn't even get an appetizer like a warm up.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: We're not going to get an appetizer with me on
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: this time schedule. We're going to have to book something
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: at a later date for that kind of snack. Okay, okay,
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: that'll be at dinner. That'll be a dinner. Um um,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I'll just I'll answer, at least in a quick cliff
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: belt version. You know, co parenting obviously is the most
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: important thing when you when you have children and uh
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: and in their product of divorce. Um. But I will
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: tell you this that the best thing that could ever
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: happen to children of a divorce home uh is that
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: everybody works together. And Laala can God bless her soul,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: has taken on that role of stepmother, uh, you know,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: with with a vigor and with passion and with love.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: And just yesterday, just to give you a little snapshot, um,
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: you know, we were saying goodbye to my kids yesterday
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: and Sundance as they were heading back to l A
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: and we had a head off to work, and La
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: La and my my nine year old were falling in
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: tears of of you know, just leaving each other because
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Lalla was leaving for a few weeks, etcetera. So of
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: course I started crying like a little baby. But that's
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: that's the love that that La La has for for
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: for my kids and and uh and and she works
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: hard to uh be a great uh stepmother to them
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: and work alongside their mother Amber. So that's been you know,
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: they they've worked hard to put differences aside, and and
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: and put the kids first and and uh, and that's it.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's wha you want to say
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: anything to that, to add on to that. I mean,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I we we did not have a very smooth start,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: and you know, we did everything we could to make
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: sure that the babies did not know that. And now
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: we are all in such a great place, myself, their
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: mom where it's just it's the happiest time in the
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: entire world. It was like a Christmas miracles and we're
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: it's just it truly was, and it's just a breathe.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Now the kids are happy, and that's all you want.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: And I think, as you say that, you know, it's
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: a breeze now. But I think what a lot of
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: people forget is how much work it is at the
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: beginning to it is and to figure out what works
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: for everybody and set boundaries. I know, when I first
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: met my husband, um, he had a daughter from a
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: previous relationship. And when he told me and when we
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: got serious and I met her, I was, you know,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: twenty seven years old. I had never really been around kids.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: I really didn't know how I was going to feel.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: And the moment I met her, I immediately fell in
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: love with her. I fell in love with him ten
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: times more, and like everything in my life shifted because
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: I met her. And I remember the adjustment period being
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: something that like, wow, this is never what I had
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: expected from my life. This is so much more because
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: I'm able to give love to this person. And but
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: it's also it's a trial and error of seeing what
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: works best for all parties involved so that everybody can stay,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: you know, as happy as possible and so the kids
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: feel good. You're absolutely right, and then you know, coming
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: in as a step mom, you also don't want to
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: step on the biological mama's toes. You know, how does
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: she like things done? How? You know, how can I
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: discipline to where it's like, I know my role is
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: not the real mama, but you know, and that was
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: a balance that I had to fight very hard to find.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: And Katie, I'm curious how you found that balance, Like
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: were there tough conversations at the beginning. I know we
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: had a lot of listener questions about like how to
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: navigate that at the beginning, you know, it was basically
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: just trial and error. I would at first, I was like,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I'm not their mom, I'm just going to be their friend.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh my gosh, I'm like
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: being bullied by children. That it was like exactly, they
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: sensed weakness. I was their most favorite person. I was
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: the weakest link. And so then you know, Randall told me,
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: you're allowed to put them in check. So now they
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: know that I do have authority, and now that I'm
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: you know, great with their mom. We talk on a
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: regular basis. If if one of the kids meeting special
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: care or she acted out at her mom's house. You know,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: Amber will call me and say, I told London she
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: can't have her phone for two hours, and I'm like, okay,
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: we can do that. I'm going in. I know she
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: didn't have her phone for two hours. So well, it
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: was just like a learning process. And let me let
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: me just say one thing that's really neat is that
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: even from the beginning, even when there were some rough
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: waters with Lall and Amber, you know, we never let
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: the children see that. Amber and I never let the children.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: Lawla never let the children see any of that stuff.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: But today, because Lalla and Amber are so in sync,
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: they really do talk a lot, and they do. Amber
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: will call Lawla and say hey, blah blah blah, and
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: La La will call Amber and it's like, now, London
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: is kind of my My oldest is kind of screwed
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: because she can't manipulate, conquer and divide, so so she's yeah,
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: for for London, for London. Amber and I getting along
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: was like the worst thing to and how old is
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: she turning? Pen? Turning ten this week? But the funny
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: thing is my oldest one now, you know, comes to
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: me always is like that, you know, daddy, they're all
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: doing this, and I'm like, I'm the softest in the group,
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: so I'm like, what they did that? Oh my, that's horrible.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Now you're on the weakest wend. And Teddy, Teddy, I
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: wasn't aware that you were also a stepmom, And I
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: really don't feel that step mom get the credit they
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: deserve because you're taking on two children that are not yours,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: and you know, you're already at the bottom of the
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: totem pole because they're like, well, you know, you're not
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: their real mom, remember your place, and it's really hard.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing for for me has been
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: that as the time goes on and as we've like developed,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: you know, because now I'm eleven years into this, so
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: like I can't imagine our family unit without because now
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: I have two kids in my own, I'm pregnant, and
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: we just keep you know, and her and Bella's other
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: family they're growing as well as you know as well,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: so we just have to all kind of be on
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: the same page. But it's like gotten to the point
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: where like it is so much fun because you know,
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: and you'll see as well. All I heard you speaking
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: about like you're ready to start a family to kind
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: of soon, and I feel like as that starts to happen,
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: you realize, like you really are going to start to
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: get even more on the same page with Randall about
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: parenting and you kind of really fall into your roles
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: and you'll become an even better stepmother because you'll start
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: to like everything starts to kind of grow. And I mean,
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: but Randall, you're gonna continue being the week my husband
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: will say something to me and he'll be like, you know,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: I really don't think the kids should do whatever, And
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: then I'll be the one to kind of be like, okay, guys,
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: and then I swear Edwin will go the kids will
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: come back and be like dad mom said blah blah blah,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: and edone will go no TOUGHI why does she do that? No? Not? Yeah?
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah that's that's Amber and La La are are
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: are the force to be reckoned with and and like
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: especially now going back to l A and I have
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: the kids for you know, is going to be at
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: work for a couple of weeks and it's like destroy
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: the house, don't clean anything up, eat tons of cookies
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: and popcorn. It's just we're gonna go. We're gonna go crazy.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Number parties to brush your hair. Yeah, um what So
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: to be a little cheeky, what's the rule now on
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: the social media because a lot of our listeners are like,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: what do you guys think the rule is on? And
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, for us, social media wasn't when when we
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: first started co parenting and we first started you know,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: there wasn't as much. There wasn't like Instagram. There was
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: like um, you know Facebook that you maybe posted on
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: once a week. So it's definitely shifted. Yes, uh well
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: today I mean today they I mean, I mean La
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: La you know, supports Amber's jewelry company and post her.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I mean there's and without getting into too much detail,
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Amber and I were not in a great place. And
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: when we had the meeting before Christmas, there were tears
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: that were shed, there were apologies. I let her know,
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: you know, and I'm gonna say this without getting chokes
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: to have, but I'm an emotional break right now. I
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: don't know why. Um, you know those I just basically
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: thanked her because those girls that she brought into the world,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: they're like, my life is forever changed, forever better for them.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: And now she doesn't have a problem, Like if she
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: sees the girls on Instagram, if I post them, she'll
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: send me a message just like, oh my gosh, that's
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: so funny, that's so cute. So I think when you
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: put the personal issues aside and remember the one goal
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: is to make these kids incredible human beings, they can
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: go out into the world and take it on. That's
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: all that matters. Yeah. I think we get to that
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: place you thrive. Yeah, And you showed her empathy, and
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: I think that's such a big thing. When you can
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: connect on that level and really understand, you know, there's
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: a respect and there's also empathy, then everybody can kind
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: of go for it and go I was just going
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: to say a big sire having to deal with at tension,
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: because I think that's the thing we get to. I
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: don't know if anybody agrees with this. I think we
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: get too upset about our own issues and our own relationships.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: We we can't forget the kids. It's really about them, absolutely.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: Kids are always, always, always got to be put in
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: front and always, you know. And I think I think
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: when I think, you know, we went to this dinner
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: and Amber and uh, like I said, you know, just
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: to skin the service. But when we went to this dinner,
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: I mean the two of them, I mean, it was
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: just the connection and empathy, lawless show and the and
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: the apologies and just all that was just gone in
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: like half hour, and it was just the biggest wait,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: you know, lifted off everybody. And I just thought about
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: the day. That dinner was like one of the best
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: moments that I've ever had in my whole life, because
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: I spelled that my life was really great, but there
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: was one dark cloud that was hanging over my head
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: and it was always that relationship that I did not
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: have with the girl's mom. And I can honestly say,
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: like she's one of my favorite human beings. Now they're
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: actually breaking a rock star. She honestly has a better
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: relationship with Amber. I have to go through Lalla, now
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: that's what you kind of go through it, but I
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: think you know a lot it goes back. We actually
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: answered this question earlier because the listener was saying, you know,
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: do you think a meeting is worth it? And Katie
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: had said, you know, a meeting is worth it if
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: both parties are ready, and you know what, Teddy and Katie,
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: that's totally true because there were many occasions where we
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: would try to set up these meetings and one party
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: would not be down for it, and so you know
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: that will happen where it's just like you're not in
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: the place yet, but once you get to it, it's
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: like you forget all of those moments that you guys
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: like I can't even imagine Amber and I going TOES now,
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: like I would never do it. Never. Wait, can I
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: say one other thing. I have a friend, a very
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: close friend who um became a step mother as well
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: and went to war for ten years. She told us,
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: she told law on it on the day we met.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: A decade of war. Now she is best friends, best
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: friends with you know some the mom best friends, and
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: she says, I really wish I had done this ten
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: years ago, like this is so stupid. But again, when
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: people aren't ready, like you're not gonna have that same outcome. Well,
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: I always I always tell myself do I want to
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: be right? Or do I want to be happy? True?
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Happy happy? And when you really think about it, you're like,
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: I just want to be happy. I just want to
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: have peace. I just want to be Like it goes
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: into you know, like discussions even with your husband that
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: don't have to do with your kids or your friends
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: or whatever it may like, at some point you gotta
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: be like, okay, this this isn't worth it to go
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: around turn around, Like even though I think I'm right, right,
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: but I am right. I mean, I'm a know it all.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: So I mean, I I know I'm right, but I'm
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: like common it works for us. Yeah, that's great. And
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: I what I realized, what I realized if I fought
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: it for about the first three years, now, I don't
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: give it. I'll be wrong every days. Answer. My husband
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: kind of does this switch off. He'll be like when
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: it comes to like I'll have like a gut instinct
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: about somebody, and then that's when he wants to use
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: my like no at all thing. He'll be like, okay,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: so what do you think of this person I just
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: interviewed him, Like nope, and he's like, then he likes it,
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: but if it's involving him, he's like, I don't want
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: to hear about it, no at all. Petty. By the way,
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: Law is the same, very similar. She always gives me
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: her opinion on people, and it truly is accurate. I
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: don't want to hear some like say that's a good person.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: She's like, oh, yeah, okay, you're an idiot. Three months
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: from now, wait and see three months from now. It's
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: like the worst person I've ever met. It's always right
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: to pick the towel up off the floor. I want
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: to I want to take a renade launch day. That's
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: what happens. You use as for our skills, but then
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: you know, when you're pointing out the obvious, it's just
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: so irritating to you. Uh. Speaking of m how's the
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: wedding planning going? Oh my gosh, we're we're being worth
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: at this. We had to bring our mom's in to
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: we're horrible, which is amazing because like Randall's mom is
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: like the typical Jewish mother. She gets the job done,
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna with her. And then like she's like, not
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: uh to crowd, to play the bad guy, just his
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: mom and my mom, you you need to start an
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: event company, or because I from the world, my mom,
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: my mom, my mom said this is this? Is it?
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: Like this? Because remember my mom's in her seventies. I mean,
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: obviously just gonna kill me for saying this. My mom's
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: in her seventies and she's flying back and forth and
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: running around and meeting flower people with her mom and
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: blah blah. But I will tell you if they did
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: not step in and he do, is how bad we are.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: And and just put it in perspective. We're less than
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: ninety days away from the wedding. We have not sent
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: out our wedding invites yet. Okay, so you're the opposite
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: of bride zillah. Yeah, like absent bride or just like
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: I'll just show up on the day bride. Um, well
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: you know what I have to to make you feel better.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: I am the world's worse with thank you notes. They
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: honestly give me raging anxiety. God, I'm like if there's
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: a party and like there's gonna be gifts. I'm like, please,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: just don't bring gifts because I don't want to have
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: to write sixty thank you cards over Like Teddy, I'm
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: the same way. In fact, I didn't even realize that
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: after this wedding there's still the thank you notes that
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: I have to go. Yeah, that's what I'm warning you about.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: Get ready, girl, it is a disaster. Like you need
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: to get somebody that has your same exact writing and
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: have her get to work because it is torture. This
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: is this is Randall's fault though, you guys, because I
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: told him, let's somewhere really small, let's like make it
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: cute and quaint, and he was like, I want it grand,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: I want it huge. I'm like, what we get, I've had.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: But I was married twice, so like I ed one's
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: my second husband. My first reason I had a huge wedding,
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: you know, more like of my parents friends than my own,
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: like had to spend the time like walking from table
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: to table like hi, how are you? Thanks for coming?
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: And then my second one like just our family, you
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: know it, So both were you know both. I was
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: a little bit bridezilla about because I'm the most type
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: a human being of life. But um, it's definitely you're
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: gonna have some thank you cards. You need to get
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: the invites out or you can't get butt hurt if
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: people don't show up. Totally not going to be but hurt.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: That's what I text people, like the hotel code and
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: I'm like, don't forget my wedding day. People are like,
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: are you serious? You're texting me and invite you know,
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: I feel like you and Edwin have a lot in common,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: Like Edwin will do the same. It'll be like his
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: work holiday party with a thousand people and he'll be like, hey,
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: it's Saturday night. I'm like, you're just telling me and
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: he's like, oh yeah, and it's a white theme. I'm like,
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: I'm eight months pregnants a white themed holiday party. You're dead.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: You're the cutest, you know, You're like the cutest pregnant
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: person alive. Like you couldn't throw on anything, and you're
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: gonna look cheap as they come. I can assure you
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: if you saw me in person right now, you would
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: not feel that way. I'm like sweating through this chair,
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: like I'm like, sorry, Katie, it's rough going around Jane. Um,
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: when do you guys think that you're gonna start, yeah,
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: babies right away, babies later. I started yesterday. But Randall
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: is like, we have to be married for at least
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: one year before we get it popping. And I'm like, okay,
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: well that's nine months to make a baby, so we
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: can just get it popping and then you know, an here,
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: the baby will be here. It's all anxiety. I mean
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: what a lot of the common thing is like, well,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: i've got a ja being off birth control, and then
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: we see what happens. But then what ends up happening
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: is most people get pregnant your body ad just pretty quickly.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: Don't write let this let me do this with with
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: La La. Honestly, we've done it so perfectly. Like we
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: we dated for like what three years eight that we
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: get that we've got a gauge for a little over
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: a year, and I just want to enjoy being married
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: for a year and then she can have as many
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: babies as you want you want. It's so funny because
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: he'll be like, but Law, like, you're so young, and
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I know, but you're not. You're like, you
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: know what you're going to have to be? Well, she
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: do you mean think about the you know, high school graduation.
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: But I do agree with Randall. You want to enjoy there,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: I know, but it's like a time. It's like a
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: timer that's that's going to expire eventually. So I understand.
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: I agree that we will have a baby quickly. I
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: just want to have like eleven or months, baby ten nine, eight,
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: something where we can run around and play husband one.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: You know, I heard the eight months. I heard the
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: eight months. Don't worry Teddy. I definitely am taking enough.
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: But I have a pregnancy pact with Brittany, Stacy and Katie,
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: so like we all know we're when we're gonna like
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: are getting it moving. So you know, Randall, apparently you
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: don't have any saying that, So just get ready. No,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: he thinks he does, but he doesn't. He's going to
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: learn this quickly, Like he's learning slower than I thought.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: Like I run the show, but it will happen. Most
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: men do that takes them a little while to come
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: around to go all right, I'm just here for the ride,
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: right exactly. Oh my gosh, Well, I can't thank you
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: guys enough for coming on. You guys are so easy
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: to talk to and so fun. I am so happy
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: that you guys are co parenting with ease and everything
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: is going great and I wish you the very very best.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Teddy and Katie, you guys are
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: the best. Thanks. I like, I didn't know what was
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: coming on that they are so awesome, great, and I
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: just love the conversation. They are co parenting so easily.
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: I mean, I know it hasn't been the beginning, but
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: they made it work and they're fun and they you
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: can tell they really like one another. I know they're
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: laughing each other's jokes. It's I mean, I really I
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: felt good about that. I did too, and Randall hilarious.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: So we got to take a little break and then
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: we'll close out, all right, So we are back from
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: the break and Katie, and now we're back from the
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: break and all right, Katie, you ready to give us
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: the book right now? I'm ready. And this one's been
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: talked about a lot over the years. It's mom's house,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: dad's house, and that's kind of a way to deal
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: with divorce and co parenting and kind of all that stuff.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: And there are a lot of like the co Parenting Handbook,
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: there's other things that people have used two, But that's
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: the one that I know that people use the most.
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: And then what about support groups, whether it be for
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: the mom, the dad, the step mom. What's your recommendations there?
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: I mean support groups. Facebook is a great way to
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: join groups of people who have similar issues and at
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: the very least you get someone in there that is
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: going through something similar and they can be like, it
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: gets better. But do think that sometimes people can rev
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: each other up even more because so and so is
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: angry and then they're like, yes, I'm justifying what I'm
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: angry about. Now here we are. So pay attention to
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: how you feel before you get into the groups and
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: after and leave and enter accordingly. Right, so you make
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: sure it's helpful because you want to leave feeling like
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not alone and it's okay to be mad, and
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: it's okay to be frustrated, but you should feel like
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: I'll try that tip that Susiette told me or whatever.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: So if you could give everybody one takeaway from co
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: parenting other than the being organized, setting the tone, setting
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: the schedules, kind of laying it out and then showing
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: the children love, what would you say, Just remember it's
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: about the kids. It's not about you. So every time
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: you try to get you feel frustrated, you're angry, take
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: your ego out of it. It's really about the kids.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: You know. You can't really beat that. Advice guys. And
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: for those of you guys who are wanting more information
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: on Katie, Katie take it away. Yeah. I have a
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: YouTube channel. My name is Katie Morton. You can find me.
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: And then I had a book that came out called
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: Are You Okay? A Guide Caring for your Mental Health.
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like where to start, what to ask?
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: Just see a therapist, what's it like? Toxic relationships, communications,
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: skills to talk about all that stuff? And I mean, guys,
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: I have to brag for her a little bit. Her
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: YouTube channel has like over fifty million downloads. What amazing? Well,
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: thank you, yeah, thank you, and you guys keep writing
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: in questions because I love to continue on down these topics.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: I want to know what you guys want to know about.
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: I love this, I love learning from people. I love
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: hearing people's stories. So thank you guys for listening, and
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: please keep these questions coming. Thanks for listening. Subscribe Ton
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: Pot on Radio or wherever you listen to podcasts