Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a Perfectionist
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to start with something I noticed in the data from a LinkedIn survey last quarter. When they asked people why they hadn't reached out to a potential mentor, the number one reason wasn't 'I don't know who to ask' — it was 'I'm not ready yet.' Luna: That's fascinating. And also a little heartbreaking. How many people are just sitting on the sidelines waiting for some imaginary threshold? Lucas: Exactly. And when you dig deeper, that 'not ready' feeling is often perfectionism in disguise. So today I want to talk about a specific personality trait that actually sabotages mentorship more than almost anything else: perfectionism. Luna: Alright, I'm listening. But I'll warn you — I have a bit of a contrarian take on this. So bring your evidence. Lucas: Good, I hope you do. Let me start with a study. Researchers at the University of British Columbia looked at how perfectionism affects help-seeking behavior. They found that perfectionists wait, on average, 47 percent longer before asking for help compared to non-perfectionists. Luna: 47 percent — that's almost half again as long. So they're essentially over-preparing while their peers are already getting guidance. Lucas: Right. And the logic sounds reasonable in your own head. You tell yourself: I need to have my goals clarified, my resume polished, my pitch ready. But the real cost is opportunity. While you're perfecting, someone else is learning. Luna: Okay, but here's my contrarian angle. Aerospace engineering. My cousin works at a defense contractor, and in that world, perfectionism isn't a flaw — it's a requirement. If you design a part that's 99 percent right, a plane could fall out of the sky. So how do you reconcile that? Lucas: That's a great point, and it gets to the heart of the distinction. In aerospace, the product demands zero defects. But mentorship isn't a product — it's a relationship. And relationships require vulnerability, not precision. Luna: So perfectionism is context-dependent. It's an asset when you're building something, but a liability when you're connecting with someone. Lucas: Exactly. And here's where Brené Brown's research is spot on. She has this line: 'Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.' But for a perfectionist, vulnerability feels like failure. So they avoid it, even when it's the exact thing that would help them grow. Luna: So what does that mean concretely? If I'm a perfectionist listening right now, what's the first step I should take today? Lucas: I'd say the first step is to reframe what a mentor actually is. Perfectionists tend to look for the one perfect mentor — someone with the exact career path, the exact industry, the exact personality. And that person doesn't exist. Luna: So instead of searching for a unicorn, what? Lucas: Build a mentor portfolio. I borrowed this concept from venture capital. No VC puts all their money into one startup. They build a portfolio of bets. Similarly, you shouldn't put all your career development into one person. Find three to five people who each give you something different. Luna: I love that. So one person for technical skills, one for navigating politics, one for work-life balance — something like that? Lucas: Exactly. And the beauty is, no single relationship has to be perfect. You can ask one person a very specific question without feeling like you're imposing. The perfectionist's fear of being a burden actually shrinks when the ask is small and focused. Luna: That reminds me of something I read about how to approach cold emails. Instead of asking 'Will you be my mentor?' — which feels huge — you ask 'Can I buy you coffee and ask two questions about X?' Lucas: That's exactly the strategy. And research backs it up. A study from Harvard Business Review found that people are far more likely to agree to help when the request is specific and time-bound. 'Can I have fifteen minutes to ask about your experience with X' has a much higher success rate than an open-ended mentorship ask. Luna: So for the perfectionist in the audience, the actionable advice is: stop looking for the perfect mentor, start building a portfolio, and make your first ask small and specific. Lucas: Right. And I want to add one more thing. Perfectionists often overvalue the risk of rejection. They imagine the worst-case scenario: the person says no, or worse, thinks less of them. But the data says the opposite. When people are asked for advice, they actually feel flattered and perceive the asker as more competent. Luna: That's counterintuitive but I've seen it happen. I once asked a senior executive I barely knew for thirty minutes of her time. She said yes immediately, and later told me she admired that I had the courage to ask. Lucas: And that's the thing — courage isn't the absence of perfectionism. It's taking action despite it. I speak from experience here. Early in my career, I spent six months trying to get my portfolio 'perfect' before approaching someone I admired. When I finally did, she said, 'I wish you'd come to me sooner. I could have saved you a lot of wasted effort.' Luna: Ouch. That's a tough lesson. But a good one. Lucas: It stung at the time, but it changed my approach completely. So if you're listening and you feel that pull to wait until you're ready — just send the email today. You don't need a perfect ask. You just need a genuine one. Luna: Before we move on, I want to mention something. We're able to have these conversations without ads or sponsors because of listeners who support the show directly. If you've found value in an episode that helped you think through a career decision, consider buying us a coffee. It's at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That kind of support keeps the podcast independent. Lucas: And it genuinely helps us keep the content focused on what matters — no corporate sponsors, no agenda. Just real career advice. So thank you to anyone who's contributed. Luna: Alright, back to perfectionism. You mentioned the portfolio approach, but I want to push on something. How do you actually find those three to five people? Where do you look? Lucas: Good question. I'd start with what I call the 'adjacency rule.' Look one level above you in your organization, one level in a different function, and one person outside your company entirely. That gives you three different perspectives without any one person feeling like the be-all-end-all. Luna: And what about the 'one level above' person? Perfectionists might worry that their direct boss will think they're trying to go around them. Lucas: That's a legitimate concern. So don't ask your skip-level for general mentorship. Instead, ask for something specific that doesn't overlap with your boss's domain. For example, 'I'm working on a presentation for the leadership team and I'd love your advice on how to structure it.' That's a safe ask. Luna: Okay, that makes sense. And the outside person — how do you find them if you don't have a network? Lucas: LinkedIn is actually great for this. Find people who have a career trajectory you find interesting. Send a note that says, 'I admire how you moved from X to Y. I'm at a similar crossroads and would love fifteen minutes of your perspective.' Most people will say yes. Luna: I've done that myself. I think the key is being genuine about why you chose them. Not just a generic 'I'd love to learn from you.' Lucas: Absolutely. Specificity signals that you've done your homework. It also reduces the pressure on the mentor — they know exactly what you want to talk about, so they can prepare. Luna: I want to circle back to something you said earlier about vulnerability. For a perfectionist, being vulnerable feels like showing weakness. How do you get past that mental block? Lucas: I think it helps to reframe vulnerability as a sign of strength, not weakness. When you ask for help, you're actually demonstrating self-awareness and a commitment to growth. Those are attractive qualities to mentors. Luna: It's like the old saying: 'The best way to get advice is to ask for it.' But it's hard to internalize that when your inner critic is telling you that you should already know. Lucas: Exactly. And I'll add one more data point. A study from the University of Chicago found that people who ask for advice are perceived as more competent, not less. Because asking shows that you're confident enough to recognize what you don't know. Luna: That's powerful. So perfectionism isn't just hurting your career by delaying mentorship — it's actually making you appear less competent than you are, because you're not asking. Lucas: Right. And the irony is that the perfectionist's desire to appear flawless actually has the opposite effect. They come across as less approachable, less coachable. Meanwhile, the person who asks questions is seen as curious and proactive. Luna: So let's sum up three actionable steps for our listeners. One: build a mentor portfolio, not a single perfect mentor. Two: make the first ask small and specific. Three: remember that asking for help actually makes you look more competent, not less. Lucas: That's a great summary. And one bonus thought: if you're still feeling stuck, just pick one person and send the email today. Don't overthink it. The worst that can happen is they say no, and then you're in the exact same position you're in now. But the best case? It could change your career. Luna: I think that's a perfect note to end on. For everyone listening, we hope this gives you the nudge you needed. We'll be back next week with another topic. Lucas: Thanks for being here. Until next time.