Latest / The Brain Dump / Watch Your Character: What Doing the Right Thing Actually Costs | Episode 20

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Watch Your Character: What Doing the Right Thing Actually Costs | Episode 20 · The Brain Dump

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey y'all, I'm Sandy Boone, therapist, coach, and nervous system educator with 30 years in the healthcare and mental health industries.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I built two practices, got diagnosed with ADHD at 50, and learned the hard way that healers need healing too.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I helped female therapists and healers regulate their nervous systems, reclaim their lives, and stop being everyone's everything.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Braindump with Sandy Boone.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: There is a quote hanging in my therapist's office, and I want you to really hear it because it's the backbone of everything I'm going to talk about today.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's commonly attributed to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Zhu.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it goes like this Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your words, they become your action.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your actions, they become your habits.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your habits, they become your character.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I've read that quote probably a hundred times sitting in that office, and every time I read it, I land in a different place, depending on what's happening in my life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: But lately I keep landing on the same word, and that's character.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not destiny and not habits, but character.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think character is the piece that we talk about the least, and it's the piece that matters the most.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we've gotten a little confused about what character actually is.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Character is not a personality trait.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something you're born with or without.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not being charming or likable or easy to be around.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Character is what you do when it costs you something, and that's what this episode is about.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world right now that has a complicated relationship with doing the right thing.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: On one hand, everyone agrees in the abstract that character matters, that integrity matters, that doing right by people matters.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, we have elevated staying in your lane to an almost moral status.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Mind your business.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get involved.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not your place.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your head down.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the boundaries.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear, there's wisdom in knowing your limits.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's real wisdom in understanding where your role ends and someone else's begins.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not dismissing that.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I think we have to be honest about the difference between staying in your lane as wisdom and staying in your lane as avoidance.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes staying in your lane is the right call.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes staying in your lane is how you watch something wrong happen and tell yourself you're being appropriate while you do nothing.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And those are not the same thing, my friends.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Character requires you to know the difference.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And knowing the difference requires something that is increasingly rare right now, which is critical thinking.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Real nuanced, sit with the discomfort, resist the easy answer, critical thinking.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I mean.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world of hot takes, immediate reactions, picking aside before you've actually thought something through.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that environment is the enemy of character because character doesn't come from reaction, it comes from reflection.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: The right thing is almost never obvious in the moment.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: It usually requires you to hold multiple truths at the same time, to ask the uncomfortable questions, and to sit with ambiguity longer than it feels comfortable.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It requires you to ask, what do I actually know here versus what am I assuming?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: What is my role in this situation and where does it end?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: What will it cost me to speak up and what will it cost someone if I don't?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Am I staying quiet because it's the right call or because it's the easier one?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Those questions are not comfortable, and the answers are not always clear.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: But the willingness to ask them and to sit honestly with the answers is where character lives.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Character is not a grand gesture.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a dramatic moment where you ride in on a white horse and save the day.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Character is built in the small moments, the quiet ones, the ones where nobody is watching and you do the right thing anyway.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell you a story because what is the brain dump without a story?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: About 20 something years ago, my closest cousin was getting married.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: This wasn't a distant relative I saw at holidays.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: This was my person.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: He was like a brother.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was the cousin I was closest to in the world.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And when he asked me to be a bridesmaid at his wedding, I said yes without hesitation.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But something felt very wrong.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: There were things I was hearing from people who knew his fiance, from friends of theirs, that made me genuinely uneasy.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Things that didn't sit right.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I sat with that unease for a while, the way you do when you're hoping you're wrong.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when wedding planning got started, I got the news.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: No children at the wedding.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to be fair, lots of couples choose to not have children at their weddings, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad idea.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a completely valid choice, and I respect it.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the context that you need to understand.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I had just, and I mean just, adopted our daughter.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: She had not been left alone with anyone who wasn't us, not because we were being precious or overprotective about it, but because she was brand new to our family.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: She needed to bond with us, we needed to establish safety, and we needed to be with her.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you do when you bring a child home.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You teach them that you're going to stay.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: When I explained this, when I said I would need her to be able to be in the nursery at the church during the ceremony so that we could have access to her, still stand up for my cousin, and still honor what he meant to me, the answer was no.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, keep in mind we were still going to have to teach her to be with someone else, but that someone else could go get my husband during the wedding if our daughter needed extra support.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I asked for this, I explained it, and the answer was no.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not a negotiation, not a conversation, no.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I made a decision.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I bowed out of the wedding, which also bowed my son out of the wedding.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I did something even harder.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote a letter to my cousin and his family, the cousin that I loved, and the one that I would have done almost anything for.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I told him the truth.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was moving too fast.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Something felt very off and wrong to me, and I was scared for him.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I asked him to slow down, to take some time to not get married right away.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: My thought being that it allowed some time for things to come to the surface.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: His whole family, the people I had grown up with, the people that I loved, the people that spent every Sunday afternoon at my house went silent.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And not temporarily, for years, over 20 years.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent years of being on the outside of a family I had belonged to my whole life.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Years of wondering if I had made the right call, and years of carrying the cost of that conversation.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, they divorced very quickly.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And here we are, 20 plus years later, and his family is just starting to speak.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be careful here about what I'm saying and what I'm not saying.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I am not saying I told you so.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And as a matter of fact, in that letter, I told him I would never say that.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the point of the story, and it was never the point of that conversation.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: The point was never to be right.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I prayed I was wrong.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: The point was that I loved him, and something felt very, very wrong.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I said it anyway, knowing full well what it might cost me.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's character.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it worked out, not because the divorce vindicated me, but because in that moment with everything on the line, I did what I believed was right, even though I knew it was going to cost me something significant.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it did.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think we need to talk more honestly about the cost of character, because I think one of the reasons people avoid doing the right thing is that nobody warned them how much it can hurt.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: We have this cultural narrat narrative that doing the right thing feels good, that virtue is its own reward, and that if you just act with integrity, everything will work out.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's true, but sometimes it isn't.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you do the right thing and you lose the relationship, you lose the room, and you lose years of belonging somewhere that really mattered to you.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you speak the truth and people don't want to hear it and they make you pay for saying it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you protect someone you love and the person you were protecting doesn't even thank you for it.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: At least not a right away, and maybe not ever.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if nobody told you that was coming, if you walked into integrity expecting to feel clean and good and immediately rewarded, that cost can knock you flat.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to say this direct directly.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Doing the right thing is not free.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And knowing that going in, knowing it in your body, not just in your head, is part of what makes it a choice instead of a surprise.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew it was the right thing to do.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: All the while my head was screaming no.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll often say to people, what lets you sleep at night?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the reality is I could not have attended that wedding in good conscience without saying what I needed to say.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: When you know the cost and you do it anyway, that's where character actually lives.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want to turn this toward the healers and helpers who are listening because you live this in ways that most people don't fully understand.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You make hard calls regularly.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You make mandatory reports that set things in motion you can't control, and ethically, you're required to do that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You refer clients to higher levels of care, knowing that they may not be ready.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And also, ethically, you're required to do that.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: You hold information that is heavy and private and cannot be shared.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: You advocate for people inside systems that are broken and slow and frustrating.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you do all of that while being told both implicitly and explicitly to stay in your lane.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get too involved, maintain your role, keep appropriate boundaries, follow the protocol.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And those things are true.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries matter, roles matter, protocols exist for a reason, and your ethical code requires character.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between appropriate professional limits and using stay in your lane as a reason to look away from something that needs to be named.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Your training gave you something.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It gave you the capacity to see things that other people miss, to notice what's underneath what's being said, to track patterns that aren't obvious on the surface.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And with that capacity comes a responsibility, not to be reckless with it, but not to ignore it either.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your instincts are data and character for a healer sometimes means trusting what you see, even when speaking up is uncomfortable.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It also means speaking up even when you believe nothing will happen.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I told a friend just the other day, I have made so many reports to adult protective services.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, I don't think anything ever happened, but I made the call.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to name something that I think gets lost in the conversations about staying in your lane.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Advocacy is not overstepping.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Advocacy is seeing something that needs to be said, using your power and saying it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's using your very powerful voice on behalf of something or someone when silence would be easier.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: At its core, advocacy is just caring enough about something to say something, even when it costs you.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be loud.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be dramatic.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: It can be one honest conversation with someone you love.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a referral you make even though you know the client isn't going to like it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a report that you file because a child needs someone to see what's happening.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be bowing out of a wedding and writing one hard letter.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Advocacy is character and action, and it's almost always uncomfortable.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's also almost always worth it.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it always works out the way you hope, but because you looked at something that needed to be named and you named it.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You stayed true to something bigger than your own comfort.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I keep coming back to that quote on my therapist wall.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your thoughts, watch your words, watch your actions, watch your habits, watch your character.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: That word watch, not control, not force, not perform.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Watch.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation to self-awareness, to paying attention to the chain that leads from a single thought all the way to the shape of your life.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: What I know to be true after 30 years in this field, most people don't make one giant choice that defines their character.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: They make a thousand small ones.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: They choose to speak or to stay silent, to act or to look away, to tell the truth or manage how they're perceived, to do what's right or do what's easy.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And those choices accumulate quietly over time until one day you look up and you realize this is who I am.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I do when it costs me something.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you're either proud of what you see or you're not.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I tell clients often, what lets you sleep at night?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: What lets you sleep at night is usually the right thing.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's the character.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: The beautiful, terrifying part about being proud of what you see or what you're not, the beautiful, terrifying thing about being proud of what you see or not being proud of what you see is you're building that answer right now in the small, quiet moments, in the ones where nobody is watching.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your character because it's becoming your destiny.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: My cousin's family is finally starting to speak to me again.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't talked about what happened.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't rehashed it or processed it or needed it to be resolved into something neat.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: We just move forward.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: The way families sometimes do when enough time passes and everyone quietly decides that belonging to each other matters more than being right.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, they may be very angry about this podcast if they hear it.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing I don't regret what I wrote to him.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not for a second.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: I would do it all over again.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because I was right.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am sorry that it hurt him.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sorry that I said it.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I loved him enough to say the hard things.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because something felt very wrong and I named it.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, because I chose my daughter in my integrity over a bridesmaid's dress and family approval.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of person I want to be.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way to become that person is to keep making that choice in the small moments, especially in the costly ones.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your character.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is becoming your destiny.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: If something resonated, check out the show notes.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find a link to grab my free guide, 50 things I do to calm my freaking nervous system.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're curious about neurofeedback, there's information in the show notes for that too.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me on Instagram at the Sandy Boon.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to keep this conversation going over there.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a healing professional looking for a community that actually feels good to be in, come join us in the Rooted Calm Collective on Facebook.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's a space built for support, nervous system tips, and building your best life as a healer without the drama.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.