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Lean Into Legacy with JJ-I’ve Done Harder Things Than This… So Why Am I Struggling? | · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

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The station where our veterans voices are heard.
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MBR talk. Hey folks, thanks for tuning in.
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where we simplify your mission. Find us on the web at MB Radio
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dot. Catch me every military Monday
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night at 8:00 PM Eastern for Lean Into Legacy.
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Have you ever been going through something challenging and
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thought, why am I struggling so much?
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Why is this so hard for me? I've done harder things.
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I know that I'm capable. And then maybe after asking
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yourself enough times these questions, it starts turning
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into something much more painful, like what's wrong with
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me? Hi everybody.
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I'm JJ and welcome to Lean into Legacy with JJ.
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Today is going to be a very special episode.
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It's going to be just you and me, and we're going to do things
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a little different than we normally do.
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So normally you would turn on this podcast and listen to it
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while you're driving your car or taking a walk or cleaning the
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house or whatever. You know, just listen.
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Be a part of conversation. Well, today I want to ask you to
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do something different. And if you can, I want you to
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grab a notebook and a pen because today I don't want to
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just talk to you today. I'm going to share pieces of my
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story. And I'm also going to teach you
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some of the lessons that I've learned and the questions that
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you can ask yourself if you've ever gone through something like
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this. So throughout our time together,
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I'm going to stop and I'm going to ask you questions.
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And I'm also going to give you guys some exercises.
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These are exercises that I've personally designed myself.
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They are exercises I do with my clients, and I've had good
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success with them and I know they work because I've also done
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them myself. So you don't need to tell
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anybody your answers. This is a conversation, like I
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said, just between you and me, and I want you to make sure that
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you're not trying to find the right answer, but I want you to
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find the answer that just comes naturally when you're asking
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yourself a question, what pops up for you?
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And I just need you to be honest with yourself because that's how
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you're really going to get the most of this.
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So if you guys are driving in your car or you're doing
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something where you're not able to pick up a pen and paper,
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don't worry, you can come back to this later.
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Just stay with me and you're still going to get some great
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benefit out of this. So by the end of this
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conversation, I want you guys to understand something more
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clearly. It's that what has made you
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successful in the past, what you may have accidentally tied your
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identity to with this particular season of your life may actually
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require from you and what you might need to stop doing in
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order to stop trying to control everything.
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And then I'm also going to share with you how all this completely
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changed my relationship with God.
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Because I have found that when I am really struggling, when I
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have really gone through the worst of it, it is only my
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relationship with God that has saved me and that has pulled me
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out of some of the darkest places I've been to.
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All right, are you all ready? So we are going to kick off
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right now with some questions and we're going to start with
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exercise one. And again, I'm going to lead you
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all through this. Are you ready?
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Here we go. All right, so first and
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foremost, like I said, don't just listen.
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Work through this with me. All right, are you guys ready?
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Here we go. All right, so the first question
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I want you to ask yourself, what are you dealing with right now
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that you think that you should be handling better?
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And I right, want you to write down the first thing that comes
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to mind. What are you dealing with right
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now that you think you should be handling better?
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Take a second and ask yourself what is happening in your life
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right now that makes you think I should be doing better with this
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and I want you to write it down. Whatever comes up into your
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mind. Like I said, it doesn't have to
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be perfect. Just write it down now
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underneath it, finish this sentence.
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I should be able to handle this because and write down whatever
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comes to mind. I should be able to handle this
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because. Now to give you a little context
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for this, how these exercises came about for me was going
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through an incredibly challenging time.
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So for me, it was my transition out of the military.
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Now, there was a lot of other things going on at the time, but
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in my mind I thought I was going to just jump from the military,
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leave the military and move in to the next chapter of my life.
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And I found myself really struggling with that.
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And then asking myself, why am I struggling with this transition?
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Why is it so hard for me? So that's when for me, I should
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be able to handle this because I was telling myself, well, you've
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commanded a, a company of, of almost 600 personnel.
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You've deployed to places like Iraq and Afghanistan.
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You have 1200 hours outside the wire.
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Those things made me feel like I should be able to handle
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anything because after all, I'm a combat vet.
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It was a military intelligence officer leading soldiers, and I
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did it for 21 years in some of the hardest situations.
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And so when I asked that question and said I should be
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able to handle this because in my mind I was saying because I
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I've done all this before. And so that's why I was having
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such a hard time with my transition because it wasn't
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just the struggle of the transition, it was also the
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struggle of labeling myself and telling myself that I was doing
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it wrong because I had my own expectations.
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That because I had done hard things in the past, that this
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should be no different. Well, we're going to go over
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that guys, because it is different.
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So again, think through this for you and what was the answer that
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came out? And maybe you might have said
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something like I've been through worse.
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I'm successful, I'm a leader, I'm a person of faith.
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Sometimes that alone can make you feel like you should be able
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to handle something. I've survived harder things.
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So think about that right now. What did you write down?
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And now we're going to go and we're going to do a little self
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reflection. So where did you learn what you
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had to be? Now, often times, if you all are
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used to therapy or you've done any of these types of exercises
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before, people always ask, what is the earliest memory that you
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had of when you learned what you had to be?
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So for me, long before I joined the army, long before I was in
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combat, long before any leadership, I had a really good
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childhood. You know, sometimes we think,
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oh, I have. I have nothing to to say or to
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think about because I had a good childhood.
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So how does that matter to me? I had loving parents and I'll
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tell you all, I also had a very strong family.
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So I want you to know I'm not blaming my childhood for
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everything that happened later on.
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And I just want you to know though, that I did develop a
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certain drive to achieve. So for me, I had to do well to
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help, to fix things, to be the person that was always there
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with solutions. I was the classic middle child
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in a lot of different ways and I really wanted to matter.
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So I'll give you an example. I remember growing up and I
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don't know, let me know in the chat if this is you 2.
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But I had not. I didn't always want to finish
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my food right And I just wasn't hungry.
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So what did my mom and dad say? Put it in the chat.
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If you know what I'm about to say.
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My mom and dad would say, Jennifer, you need to eat your
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food because there are starving children in Africa.
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And So what did I do? I thought this is not a way of
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my parents manipulating me to eat my food.
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I thought, what's the problem starving kids in Africa?
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So I've got to do something about it.
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I kid you not, in kindergarten, my mom has a picture of me in
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the newspaper because I organized a food drive for the
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starving kids in Africa. Now, some people think, oh,
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that's a cute story. But in the context of these
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exercises that we're doing, it's very telling because as a young
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child, I told myself I have to be the person that fixes things.
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I have to be the one with the solutions.
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I have to have the answers. So what about you?
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If you think back to your childhood, what did you learn?
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You had to be. Were you the smart one, the
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strong one? Were you the good one that
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always behaved and never got in trouble?
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That also had to be me too, 'cause my brother was always
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getting in trouble. Were you the athlete?
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Were you the four point O GPA average?
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Are you the one who never needed help or who provided help for
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everybody else? So when I was young, I felt most
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valuable when I was providing solutions.
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All right, so now I want you guys to think about your own
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experiences. And now I'm going to ask you the
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next question. What did you learn?
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You had to be in order to matter.
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I want you to think about that, and I want you to write it down
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in your paper, in on your notebook.
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What did you learn? You had to be in order to
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matter. Now, this really matters because
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it matters what you decided you had to be to matter.
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Get it? OK, I'm being a little corny
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now, but seriously, what did you as a young child, and that's
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usually between the ages of zero and seven are the formative
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years when we really develop our outlook on the world and on
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life. What did you tell yourself?
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What was your paradigm of the world that you had to be in
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order to matter? And I want you to just reflect
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on that for a moment. Now I want you to finish these
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sentences. When I was young, I felt most
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valuable when people could count on me to fill in the blank.
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And I learned that being blank made me feel important, safe,
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loved, or valuable. And remember, I want you to just
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answer whatever comes up naturally and just sit with it
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for a moment. So what did you say to the
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answer of to answer those questions?
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What came up for you? Who did you have to be?
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How did you have to act in order to feel like you mattered?
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I'll tell you what, these seem like simple questions, but if
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you really answer in your most raw state with whatever comes to
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mind, you're going to understand that which shaping those answers
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was something that was embedded to you as a young child.
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It was how you need to to be in the world.
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So for me, I'll go over this with you guys.
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When I was young, I felt most valuable when I was doing
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something that was needed. People could count on me to
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provide answers. I learned that being helpful
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made me feel important, safe, loved, and valuable.
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So I want you to just think about that.
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Think about what you wrote. All right?
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The next thing that I want you to do is I want you to answer
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the question, what is one of your greatest strengths and how
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has it served you? What do people now expect from
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you because of it, and what do you expect from yourself because
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of it? So for me, the world rewarded my
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strengths when I showed up, when I served, when I was part of the
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solution. You know, for example, I
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remember as a young girl, my dad was a naval officer.
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And after I grew up, I remember we returned to the Naval Academy
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and we saw Midshipman marching down below.
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And I remember grabbing my dad's hand and tugging him and saying,
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Daddy, that's going to be me one day.
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I'm going to be in the military. And I'll tell you what, y'all, I
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had completely forgotten about that memory for years.
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And then I experienced going to my older brother's graduation
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because he enlisted in the Army. And I remember that.
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I remember how much pride I felt.
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I remember the sense of service. It was part of the world I grew
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up seeing. And so, interestingly enough, I
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didn't initially go to the military, even though I said as
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a young girl, I'm going to be in the military.
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It, it wasn't my actual dream. You know, I went to college, I
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had a great job working in radio.
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Go figure. I was working as a an account
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executive for a nationally syndicated radio network.
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And everything was going well. It was going really great.
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But then 9/11 happened, and I want to be very clear about
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something. So I wasn't brave watching 911.
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I was terrified. I remember being curled up on my
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couch in the fetal position for almost 3 days, you know, just
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watching the news cycle over and over again.
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And eventually something inside me said, you know, I don't
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really know what we're going to do to stop terrorists like this.
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I don't know how our nation is going to respond, but I do know
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that I don't want to just watch. I want to be part of the
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solution. And my uncle, he was chief of
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police at the transit system in New York at the time.
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And when we finally got a hold of him, he was telling us that
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he had so much intelligence coming in, but they didn't have
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enough Arabic linguist to translate it.
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And suddenly that why do I matter?
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How do I matter? Kicked into gear and I felt that
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call. Well, I need to be a part of the
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solution because that's how I matter.
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So I listed in the Army. I became an Arabic linguist.
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And I want you to notice this. I was afraid, right?
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I admittedly say I was not that person watching the news
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thinking, Oh yeah, we got this. I was terrified, but I acted
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anyway, and that became one of the first lessons I learned
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about courage. So courage isn't the absence of
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fear. Sometimes it's just simply
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having something that matters more than the fear itself.
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So now this is what shaped who I became.
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I joined the Army. I'm part of the solution, and I
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work hard. And now I know that I matter.
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So this is going to lead now into our next exercise.
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Here we go. This is the strength audit.
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So again, what is one of your greatest strengths?
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How has it served you? What do people now expect from
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you because of it? And what do you expect from
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yourself because of it? So for me, my greatest strength
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was stepping out and taking action.
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I felt that people expected from me, because I was an action
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taker, that I would always take action.
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And I expected from myself because of it that I would
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always take action. I would find the answer.
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I would act. And now the next question, when
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did your strength stop being a gift and start becoming a
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requirement? So for me, this really became
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who I was. My strength was I have to take
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action, I have to do. And that became my identity in
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the military as an officer. Who am I?
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How am I helping? How am I solving?
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And that's not an option. It's just something that I had
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to do. And so for you, I want to ask
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that question for you. When you think about your
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greatest strength for you, how was that tied to what you told
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yourself about what you had to do to matter?
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And for you, do you remember a time when that was no longer
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just a great trait or a key asset, it was something that you
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had to do or be? And I want you to think about
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any memories that are popping up for you right now, any stories
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that you're reminded of, or just any thoughts that are coming to
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your mind right now as you're asking yourself these questions.
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And write them down. Because even if they don't make
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sense to you in the moment, your subconscious is, your mind is
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subliminally processing these things.
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And I'll tell you one thing, sometimes it's part of who we
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become to stay sane, to stay healthy and happy is to not
21:27
think about these things because we don't want to dig too deep.
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And I want to just let you know right now that if you do feel
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unsafe or you need to pause, feel free to to pause the video.
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Feel free to to sit down the exercise and just take some deep
21:51
breaths and let yourself know that you don't have to take this
21:56
any faster than you're comfortable with.
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And also, you know, if you're struggling or you need help,
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don't be afraid to ask for it because there are people out
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there that can help you and there are services out there
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that are designed specifically to provide assistance.
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But let's go back to this now. So where are you using your past
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success as evidence that you are now not allowed to struggle?
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Think about that again. Where are you using your past
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success as evidence that you are now not allowed to struggle?
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So for me, that happened when I transitioned out of the military
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because I had identified as a young child that I needed to
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matter. And I did that by having
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solutions, by being the one that that always ran towards the
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fire. And now as I transitioned and
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I'm really struggling. I don't know what to do with
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myself. I'm really struggling with that
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because my mind is telling me you have to have the answer.
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You have to have a solution. And I did it.
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And because that was one of my strengths, it made my it made me
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question myself even more. You shouldn't be struggling.
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You've done hard things before. But I'll tell you, that's when
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we come to understand that what has carried us through a certain
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period of our life is not always what's going to carry us through
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the next period of life. All right, so now I want you to
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ask a question to yourself. If nobody needed anything from
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you for the next 30 days, would you still feel valuable?
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I want you to sit with that for a moment.
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So for example, after I retired and I paused the business I had
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started and I had nobody depending on me, no clients that
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were calling me or emails to answer and I was just taking
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time for myself. Did I still still feel valuable?
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And y'all the answer for me was a resounding heck no.
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I was miserable and I couldn't understand it because I was
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getting actually into some arguments with my family, with
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close friends because they said, Jen, you have been going so hard
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for 21 years. Why are you having such a hard
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time slowing down? You're technically retired now.
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I know you can choose to still work, but why?
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Why are you struggling so much? And I honestly didn't know
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y'all, because I felt like the world had ended.
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When you're in the military or you have a important job, or
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you're a mother or a father or a teacher, or you do something
25:39
where people are counting on you every day, it's hard not to let
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that become your identity. And that's what I did.
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I had let the military become my identity.
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And it was tied to all to that original question as a child
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that I've learned to answer a certain way.
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How do I matter? And so now here I am sitting
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there for 30 days, no job, nobody needing me to answer
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questions or deliver solutions. And I'm going to be honest with
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you all. If I can be transparent, can I
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be transparent with you guys? I didn't want to be here
26:19
anymore. I lost my will to live, and I
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kind of laugh at that now only because I know how far I've
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come. But I really, I would walk
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around this, this beautiful park every day and I would just ask
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God, why am I still here? I'm not doing anything.
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I don't matter, nobody needs me. Why am I still here?
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And what does that come down to? For me?
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It's because of that original childhood belief that I don't
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matter unless I'm providing a solution, unless I'm doing
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something to help other people, that I don't matter.
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And so for me, y'all, that was a huge part of my journey.
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I had to come to understand that it's not about me.
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It's not about me performing, me achieving.
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I don't need a title to my name. I came to understand, to truly
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understand y'all, that what really mattered?
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Why did I matter? I learned the absolute truth to
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that question, and I'm curious if any of you know what the
27:30
answer is. There is an answer to it.
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Why do you matter? I'll give you a hint.
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It's not because of your job. It's not because of what you do.
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It's not because of the the way that you show up for others are
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the people in your life that need you.
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You matter because you are a child of God.
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Now I know what you're saying or what you're thinking.
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Maybe you're saying out loud. You're saying, OK, yeah, that's
28:03
great. But that's not enough.
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Yes, it is. That's enough.
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You are a child of God and you matter.
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God created you, you know, I don't know if any of you are
28:13
artists or you ever create individual things for yourself.
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I, I like to paint. And what I found is that I could
28:21
paint something in it. It may not even be attractive or
28:25
what other people think is a, a great work of art, but it's
28:28
special to me and I love it because there was something that
28:31
I was thinking, something that I was feeling, something that I
28:35
was expressing when I created that piece of art.
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And that's what you are to God. You are his creation, and He
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loves you. And I'll tell y'all, it's
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embarrassing to say this, but it took me two years to fully
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understand that, to fully understand that I matter because
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I'm a child of God. All right, So I want you to sit
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with that for a second and we're going to have a quick music
29:05
break and we'll be back with some more exercises right after
29:11
this beautiful song by Matt Oakley.
31:37
I really enjoy that because it's a reminder and I think it's tied
31:41
to exactly what we're talking about.
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You know, what do we say matter makes us matter in life?
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You know, so many of us will be focused again on our identity as
31:51
a profession, as a mother or father or, you know, somebody
31:57
providing a service. But what really matters in life?
32:03
And only you can answer that question, but you have to really
32:05
think about it because I'll give you a little hint.
32:09
If you say money, I don't know anybody on their deathbed that
32:14
says I wish I had more money in my bank account.
32:19
And if you think it's your job, I don't know anybody on their
32:23
deathbed that says, I wish I could have worked another day.
32:28
So what is it in this life? And and, you know, we don't even
32:32
have to be as morbid as as talking about our deathbed.
32:36
Let's talk about the the rocking chair.
32:41
You know, imagine you are that old lady or that old gentleman
32:48
sitting on your porch, sitting in the rocking chair drinking
32:53
lemonade on a warm summer's day, reflecting on life.
32:58
What do you think you're going to care about at that time?
33:01
What do you think is going to really matter to you?
33:03
What do you think that you are going to say was most important
33:07
to you? And I'll tell you y'all, I, I'm
33:10
only in my 40s right now, but I can already tell you, I know
33:14
it's not going to be that I was a, an officer in the military.
33:18
It's going to be how I impacted the lives of the people around
33:23
me. So that is going to lead into
33:28
our next story. And then we're going to go into
33:30
some more exercises here. Just a few more to give you guys
33:34
something to think about and something to reflect on.
33:38
So this story happened to me in Afghanistan, goes back to my
33:47
time deployed in Afghanistan, and I want to set the scene for
33:54
you. So it was a high alert mission
33:56
because we are operating in Taliban territory and we were
34:01
visiting a makeshift school. And there is nothing the Taliban
34:06
would have loved more at the time than to attack a School for
34:13
Girls being visited by American soldiers.
34:18
So imagine I step into the room and I see all the young girls
34:24
and I smile at them and they're all looking at me like I'm an
34:27
alien. And then I take off my Kevlar
34:31
and for the first time they realize that I am a woman.
34:39
So I see a book on the table and it's a Arabic book and I know
34:43
how to read Arabic. So I picked it up and I started
34:45
ringing, reading that book, and all of a sudden I heard a blood
34:49
curdling scream. Now I immediately went for my
34:53
weapon, but at the same time, I was doing what I was taught to
34:57
do, scan the environment, identify the threat.
35:01
And I looked at the personal security detachment that was
35:05
with us, one of the soldiers standing at the door on guard.
35:09
And he was cool as a cucumber. He hadn't moved.
35:12
In fact, he looked kind of bored.
35:15
And so I removed my hand for my weapon and I allowed myself to
35:21
take in more of what was going on.
35:24
And I realized it wasn't just that one girl screaming.
35:27
There were girls crying. There were some girls that were
35:31
laughing and that were giddy with joy.
35:35
And then I looked at the teacher and he was laughing and I said,
35:42
Sir, is there something that I did wrong?
35:44
I, I don't understand what's going on right now.
35:49
And he, as he laughed, he said, Mem, these girls have never seen
35:57
a woman read. Can you all imagine that?
36:04
You know, it was a moment that I knew those girls would never
36:10
forget and I would never forget it either.
36:13
And I'll tell you what, none of those girls had that reaction
36:17
because I was an officer in the military, because I served, you
36:21
know, so many years, because because I had, you know, these
36:24
awards or these titles. Nobody cared about that.
36:28
That had nothing to do with that moment of impact.
36:32
What helped what happened at that time was that someone saw
36:37
something in me that allowed them to know that something was
36:43
possible for them. And that's a moment that I had
36:50
to go back to as we Fast forward to my transition time when I'm
36:54
really struggling. And I thought about that time
36:57
and I thought, you know, they didn't care what I had done.
37:03
They don't. They didn't care anything that I
37:05
achieved. They just cared that they saw
37:09
something that was possible for them now.
37:14
And I just use that story all to tell you that sometimes in life
37:19
it really is not the things that matter that we think matter the
37:25
most. That was an ordinary day for me,
37:30
but it changed those girls lives.
37:34
And I will tell y'all, there are things that you do in just an
37:40
ordinary day for you that matter, that make a difference.
37:46
You may not have an OER. Sorry, going back to military
37:50
terminology, y'all, forgive me, I'm, I'm, I've been brainwashed
37:54
a little bit, but OER officer evaluation report.
37:58
So you know, the things that tell you you've achieved, those
38:07
aren't what really matter, y'all.
38:08
And when you're sitting in that rocking chair, you're not going
38:11
to be looking at your certificates of accomplishment,
38:15
you're not going to be looking at the trophies on the wall.
38:18
You're going to be thinking about the lives that you
38:20
impacted. And I'll tell you those impacts,
38:26
they happen in the day-to-day regular stuff.
38:31
It's not some big grandiose moment.
38:34
It's just when you decided to love others and to be love.
38:42
And that's again what it means to be a child of God.
38:46
God created us to love one another, and that's what really
38:52
matters. And so I just want to encourage
38:53
you all today. I want you to ask yourselves, is
38:56
there something that I have tied to my identity?
39:02
That is the metric I use for how I judge myself, whether I'm
39:06
successful, whether I'm a good person, whether I've made it.
39:11
And again, it's not nothing that you're going to see on social
39:14
media. It's nothing that you're going
39:16
to find framed on the wall. It's going to be the person to
39:23
person impact that you have on others.
39:31
And I really want you to think about that at after this podcast
39:34
is over, I want you to go back and look over some of the things
39:37
that you wrote down and decide for yourself if you need to
39:42
change those. Because the hardest part is
39:46
actually identifying them to begin with.
39:49
But once you do, they become harder and harder to ignore.
39:54
And it's very encouraging when you're catching yourself falling
40:00
back onto that old identity of I need to be, I need to do, I need
40:05
to achieve. And you realize no.
40:09
I matter because I'm a child of God.
40:13
All right, so next y'all I want to ask you a question and I want
40:20
you to think about it. Sit with this for a moment and
40:24
again, whatever comes up, write it down.
40:29
Where do you say you trust God? But live as though everything
40:34
still depends on you, and I want you to notice what you're
40:40
carrying and what you were never meant to control.
40:48
So again, this goes back to the pressure that we put on
40:55
ourselves, the things that you think you have to do in order to
41:01
matter the way you think you have to be before you start
41:08
judging yourself. And that can be the hardest
41:12
thing to handle because that voice that is judging us, it's
41:17
so constant. It's always there and it's so
41:23
constant that it, it doesn't even alarm us.
41:27
You know, I want you to imagine that you are sitting in your
41:30
house and let's say you have some kids or you live with some
41:34
friends and, you know, you hear the normal voices and then all
41:38
of a sudden you hear a booming, aggressive voice and you've
41:42
never heard it before. What are you going to do?
41:45
You're going to be like, whoa, what was that?
41:48
Who's in this house? Do I trust this this person?
41:53
Should I give them access to to myself?
41:57
And the answer is probably going to be no.
41:58
You're probably going to be on guard.
42:00
And you're probably going to say, I don't know who you are,
42:03
but you need to get the heck out of here, right?
42:06
And I'll tell you what, that's what we should be able to do to
42:11
the negative voice in our head. Y'all, forgive me, I I need to
42:15
plug in my computer real quick 'cause it's about to die, OK?
42:22
I'll get better at this, I promise.
42:24
Y'all. But yeah.
42:26
So if you heard a voice you'd never heard before, you didn't
42:29
recognize and it sounded aggressive, you would say like,
42:33
whoa, stop, I don't know who you are.
42:36
And I sure as heck I'm not going to listen to you tell me to go
42:39
collect all my valuables and put them in a bag for you, right?
42:43
So why can't we do that with a negative voice in our head?
42:46
Because it has become second nature to us.
42:51
It is just as common as our child in the house that we would
42:57
never even be concerned because we're so used to the sound of
43:01
it. And that's why these exercises
43:03
are so important because once you start start identifying
43:06
these things, for example, for me, I only matter when I'm
43:13
performing. That's a voice, and it's
43:16
constant. But now that I know, I didn't
43:20
choose that voice. It was something that developed
43:22
as a child and that I just reinforced as I went through the
43:26
different chapters of my life. Now it's a little bit easier for
43:31
me to identify when I hear that voice and say, whoa, who are
43:36
you? I didn't invite you to the
43:38
house. You can leave.
43:40
Thank you. And on one hand, it sounds very
43:45
simple. And it is very simple, but it's
43:48
not easy. But you have to start somewhere.
43:52
And so I hope this exercise identified for you.
43:56
What is that voice for you? And how can you get a little bit
44:00
better about recognizing it and then deciding something else for
44:07
yourself? All right, so something that I
44:13
want to have you all think about is that we always own the
44:20
responsibility, but we need to learn to surrender the outcome.
44:28
And remember that surrender is not abandoning responsibility,
44:33
it's releasing the ownership of what was never yours to control.
44:40
What do I mean by that? Well, for me, during my time of
44:44
transition, it was the outcome of what my transition looked
44:49
like. I had to control it.
44:53
I had to be successful. I had to jump into the next
44:56
thing without a pause, without a break, continue being strong and
45:02
continue to win. But guess what?
45:07
I had the responsibility to choose how I wanted to be during
45:12
that time of my life, but I didn't own the outcome.
45:16
And so because that voice told me that I only matter when I'm
45:21
achieving and I was not seeing that outcome in my real life, it
45:29
was devastating to me because I thought I just need to try
45:34
harder. I just need to be stronger.
45:37
I just need to do more. And in truth, I didn't have any
45:44
control over the outcome. I only had control over what I
45:48
was doing. And sometimes that's hard to do.
45:52
That's hard to let go. But also, we have to know that
45:56
no matter how perfect we are, no matter how much effort we put
45:59
into something, the cards are going to fall where they fall.
46:05
And so the more we can accept that, the more we can have
46:10
control over our own peace and sanity.
46:15
So we're going to do another little exercise.
46:18
And this exercise, I want you to draw 2 columns.
46:25
On one column you're going to write down all the things that
46:31
you own. So for example, I have some
46:36
listed here, my preparation, my honesty, my behavior, my effort,
46:45
my boundaries, my next step. Those are just examples.
46:52
And I want you to write down what you think you own.
46:57
And then I want you to write a separate list.
47:00
And I want you to think through the same situations that maybe
47:03
what you're struggling with right now or some way that you
47:06
feel like you could be doing better.
47:09
And I want you to write down everything that you can think of
47:15
that has to do with what you think you have control over.
47:21
And then when you've exhausted that list, I want you to go back
47:27
and on the other side, write what is not mine.
47:33
So for example, let's say that you have a presentation coming
47:39
up. You may be tempted to put under
47:42
the mine column a successful brief, a successful presentation
47:52
that it goes well, that people agree with you that the CEO
47:57
decides to go the direction that you present.
48:01
But if you really think about it, the result is not yours.
48:09
So what's not yours is the reaction of other people, their
48:14
opinions, how things work out, the timing of it, the outcome,
48:23
whether whoever's involved approves or not, and what I
48:29
cannot control. And I want you guys to look at
48:36
those and to to really accept for yourself that you do still
48:42
have a responsibility and there are things that you need to do
48:45
and to take action and to be responsible for yourself.
48:49
But I really want you to focus on what you can't control.
48:53
And I want you to come to terms with that because sometimes that
48:56
is the hardest part, y'all, is that we have an expectation and
49:01
most of the time people are disappointed, it's because the
49:05
expectation wasn't met. So if we can learn to set better
49:11
expectations, we're going to do much better.
49:17
Now I want you to think about what your purpose is in life and
49:28
how do you define it. How do you define your purpose?
49:38
What have you been given? Who could it serve, and what is
49:45
one thing I can do with it? This week, I want you to take
49:52
some time to answer those questions because I want to let
49:58
you know that your purpose is stewardship.
50:06
It's not proof. What do I mean by that?
50:15
What have I been given? Who can I serve?
50:25
How do I use my talents? Those are gifts from God that He
50:34
puts specially in you to do what only you can do on this earth.
50:42
And for example, it may be something as simple as I'm a
50:45
good listener. Who can I serve with my ability
50:49
to listen well? Who needs to be heard right now?
50:56
I want you to think about those things, but again, in the
51:02
context of what you own and what is not yours.
51:06
You own the responsibility of using your gifts, but you can't
51:12
control the outcome. All right, this is the last
51:21
exercise that we're going to do, and I want you to really think
51:26
about these questions for yourself.
51:33
I want you to take a deep breath in, blow it out, and I want you
51:42
to answer these questions honestly.
51:45
What have I been trying to prove?
51:52
What strength do I rely on the most?
51:59
What have I been asking that strength to carry?
52:09
What is actually mine to do and what do I need to surrender?
52:40
I hope you all will sit with those questions and reflect on
52:44
them and allow whatever comes up naturally to be your answer with
52:52
no judgement, but just an opportunity for you to learn
52:58
more about yourself, to think about how you're naturally
53:04
programmed, and to decide if there's something that you want
53:08
to do differently. And now for our last question.
53:19
Who might you become if you no longer needed your achievements,
53:25
your usefulness, your strength or performance to prove that you
53:35
matter? Maybe you don't need to become
53:40
stronger. Maybe you need to stop asking
53:45
your strength to carry what it was never designed to carry.
53:55
And so y'all, I'm going to leave you with a happy ending to my
53:58
story after those two years of struggling because I didn't
54:04
realize that I was still operating on a nervous system
54:09
that told me that I needed to achieve, I needed to do.
54:13
I needed to be in order to matter in life.
54:18
I came to understand that I wanted to change my programming,
54:23
that I didn't want to be my that, to be the default of the
54:28
way that I judged myself. And what happened after that, I
54:36
really grew closer with God. I really spent my energy just
54:39
focusing on him and understanding that if I'm still
54:44
here, it's because he's not done with me yet.
54:50
And I would say that to you too, if, if there's anyone out there
54:53
that's struggling, wondering, do I, do I matter?
54:57
Would anybody care if I was here?
55:02
The answer is yes. Yes, you matter.
55:08
Because if you put your hand on your heart and you feel it
55:12
beating and you feel that rise and fall of your chest as the
55:20
air is going in and out of your lungs, you know you're not done
55:24
yet. God still has something for you
55:27
because you matter. And for me once I camely came to
55:34
finally understand that and I no longer had to achieve and no
55:40
longer had to do. I finally had some peace in my
55:43
life. I finally had some compassion
55:46
for myself and I no longer focused every day on what do I
55:54
need to do today, What do I need to achieve?
55:58
And I decided just focusing on enjoying life, going back to
56:03
those little things. How am I showing up for my
56:06
family? Or what about if I'm in the
56:11
grocery store? How am I treating people around
56:14
me? I'm sure that you have had the
56:18
same experience where you've said something nice to somebody
56:23
and they said, wow, you really made my day.
56:26
I really needed that. What if that's how you could
56:31
matter because you were just being you, but you just being
56:36
you in that moment was enough to make somebody's day, was enough
56:40
to make someone feel loved and appreciated.
56:45
I'd love for you guys to think about that and we have some
56:48
time. Go back and look over your
56:49
answers and see if there's anything that comes out of it
56:53
for you. I really enjoyed spending this
56:57
time with you. I hope you got something out of
57:00
it and let me know in the comments if you learned
57:06
anything. If you have any other questions,
57:09
I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
57:12
Until next time, I want you to remember that each day you have
57:18
a chance to lean into your legacy.
57:22
Until next time, guys, I'll see you next Monday.
57:42
Thanks for watching and listening to military broadcast
57:45
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