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S3E12 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Moving Toward the Middle-How Parent and Child Growth Connect · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing in the Parent Companion series talking about
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  the process of a child and a parent converging.
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  And I promise I'll give you an illustration that
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  will help you understand what I mean by that.
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  But essentially,
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  the premise is
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  that as one
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  individual in the family begins to change,
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  It forces everyone else in the family to change.
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  I'll talk about that analogy in a minute as well.
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  And
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  we have to recognize
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  that
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  one person in the family
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  will move in a direction,
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  but will largely come to a stopping point.
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  And therefore other people in the family also have to move
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  so that there can be a meeting in the middle.
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  So,
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  let's think about this in terms of when a child begins play therapy
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  and you're working with a child-centered play therapist,
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  you need to think about,
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  you have to envision me holding my hands up because you can't see me,
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  but
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  you have to think about a parent
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  on one side and,
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  and
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  child on the other.
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  And what's happening is the child is going to start moving toward
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  the middle line.
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  So,
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  you start real far apart.
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  My,
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  my hands are open wide,
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  you start real far apart,
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  far apart,
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  and the child starts moving toward midline.
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  Well,
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  through therapy,
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  through growth,
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  through becoming a better version of themselves,
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  through adopting new skills and
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  acquiring new behaviors and regulation,
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  emotional vocabulary,
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  all these things,
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  the child is moving toward the midline.
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  But there will come a point
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  when the child
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  cannot move any further.
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  And so likewise,
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  if the parent.
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  Also begins making changes,
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  also becomes
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  responding differently,
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  also begins to work on things and become a better version.
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  And
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  all of a sudden now there's a meeting in the
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  middle because both people have been walking toward each other.
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  And what we try to instill
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  in parents with whom we work as child-centered play therapists
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  is we understand.
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  The data.
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  We know the research,
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  and I know statistics are not especially exciting unless
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  you're a statistician and you really love that stuff.
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  But for most people,
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  we don't really care about that stuff.
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  But here's what is important to understand.
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  We have
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  proven
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  Data
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  indicating
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  that when parents are involved.
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  When parents
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  also do work
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  and when parents make changes,
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  outcomes are better for the child.
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  Does CCPT work
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  without a parent doing anything?
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  Yes.
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  But it is not ideal.
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  And so the more involved and invested
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  and present
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  and self-actualizing the parents,
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  fancy word for becoming a better version of yourselves.
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  If you as the parent are also actively
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  working with the play therapist,
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  listening to the skills that are being taught,
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  making adjustments and changes in the relationship at home,
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  the way that you're responding rather than reacting,
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  the way that you're prioritizing relationship,
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  all of the things
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  that the child-centered play therapist is going to
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  discuss with you when you meet with them.
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  When you start working
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  and doing your part.
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  You're moving toward the midline
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  and therefore toward the child,
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  just like the child is moving toward midline and toward you.
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  And one of the questions we get asked a lot
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  is,
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  what if the circumstances,
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  the environment,
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  the relationships,
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  all the stuff that's going on in the child's world,
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  what if nothing changes?
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  Does that mean CCPT doesn't work?
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  The opposite actually.
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  That's the beauty of child-centered play therapy,
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  that even when nothing else changes,
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  therapy is enough
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  to help the child change.
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  The circumstances may be exactly what they were before,
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  but the child has coping,
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  the child has resilience,
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  the child gains the four universal outcomes.
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  The child is able to handle things differently.
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  So of course that equips a child
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  to
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  face whatever it is that they need to,
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  even if they're they're not ideal circumstances and situations.
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  But understandably,
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  if
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  other things also change,
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  it
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  makes it easier for the child,
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  it makes the outcomes more favorable,
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  and we have longer lasting impact.
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  So here's a really helpful analogy that I think
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  usually
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  makes sense of this.
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  Think about the legal scales of justice.
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  If you have no idea what I mean when I say that,
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  think about lawyers' logos.
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  Many times attorneys
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  have
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  a
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  scale,
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  a balance scale,
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  and there are
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  two hanging plates,
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  if you will,
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  with chains
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  with
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  a support in the middle.
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  And those are called the legal scales of justice.
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  So what you're thinking about in terms of a child beginning therapy
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  or a child working on changing
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  is
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  The family
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  and the relationships within a family
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  work toward a balance point.
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  That does not necessarily mean that the scales are even.
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  So sometimes
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  one side is really high and one side is really low.
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  We're not talking about an even scale.
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  We're just talking about the balance point where relationships naturally fall.
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  So wherever that balance point is,
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  whether it's left side high,
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  right side high,
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  a lot higher,
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  only a little bit higher,
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  whatever,
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  you're thinking about
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  every relationship lands
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  in its point of homeostasis.
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  That's just where it will naturally fall.
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  When a child is dysregulated,
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  when there's dysfunction in a family,
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  the scales are tipped pretty severely.
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  And so what happens is,
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  the premise is
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  the child becomes the change agent in the family.
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  And let me explain what I mean.
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  By nature of the child starting play therapy.
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  The child starts to change and therefore the entire family changes.
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  So,
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  how does this tie into the legal scales of justice?
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  Well,
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  it's a picture for you
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  to understand.
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  Let's say that
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  your child's
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  scale
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  is tipped high.
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  Well,
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  as they begin therapy
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  and they become the change agent.
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  They either start adding petals,
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  pebbles,
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  sorry,
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  I guess you could add a petal,
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  it just wouldn't do much.
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  You start adding pebbles to your side of the scale when you're in therapy,
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  or you start taking pebbles away.
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  And by default,
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  without fail.
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  The other side of the scale has to readjust.
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  So when you add a pebble,
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  your side goes lower,
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  the other side has to go higher.
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  If you take a pebble away.
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  Your side goes higher,
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  the other side has to go lower.
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  The
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  identified client becomes the change agent.
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  It forces and necessitates everyone else in the family to change.
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  And here's where this becomes an issue.
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  No one likes change.
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  We don't like it as adults.
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  Kids don't like it.
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  Humans are wired for consistency and stability.
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  I heard someone say once,
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  the only person that likes change is a baby with a dirty diaper.
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  So
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  everyone in the world is resistant to change for the most part.
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  Therefore
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  Change is being forced on everyone else in the family
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  because of the one person in therapy.
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  And if the other people in the family are going to fight the change,
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  if they're going to resist the change,
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  if they're going to refuse the change,
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  if they're going to dig their heels in and say,
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  no,
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  you're not,
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  you're acting different,
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  that doesn't mean anything for me.
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  This is all subconscious,
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  by the way.
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  No one's actually saying those things out loud,
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  but we're all resistant to change.
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  The subconscious
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  intentionally keeps things the way they are as much as possible.
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  And so as the child begins to change,
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  as your child is working with a child-centered play therapist,
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  they become the
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  therapeutic change agent in the family.
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  It's forcing everyone else to change,
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  legal scales of justice,
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  the pebble gets added,
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  the pebble gets taken away,
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  and everyone else has to recalibrate.
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  If you embrace that.
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  And you honor it
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  and you work with it.
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  And you are willing to change
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  and you start actually trying to change.
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  Imagine how much easier it is not only for your child.
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  But also for the outcome.
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  Because
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  your child's adding and taking away pebbles,
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  independent of your decisions.
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  You are going to force,
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  you're going to be forced to change.
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  But are you going to do it willingly?
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  Are you going to do it
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  with an understanding of the bigger picture?
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  All of us can become better versions of ourselves.
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  All of us can become
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  more attuned to each other.
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  All of us can work on preserving and
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  instilling relationship
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  at the heart of what we're doing.
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  All of us can do those things.
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  Your child is going to do it because of the therapeutic process.
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  If you look at it as I'm coming alongside the child
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  and we're going to converge,
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  we're going to walk toward each other.
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  There's a stake in the middle of the path,
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  and we're both coming real far away,
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  but we're going to march toward each other and we're
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  going to meet at that stake in the middle.
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  It makes everything easier and better,
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  and we know that
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  play therapy works more effectively
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  when parents have that mindset.
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  Whether your kid's in therapy or not,
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  if you feel like you and your child are really far apart,
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  if there's relationship fracture,
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  if there's disconnect,
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  if there's all kinds of conflict and tension and issues,
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  you also have to be the one that's willing to change.
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  You also have to walk toward the child.
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  Your work in conjunction with the child's work
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  is going to get us where we want to go easier and faster.
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  So,
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  I hope that that helps you understand the,
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  the child and parent converging analogy is usually really helpful.
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  Those legal scales of justice is also really helpful.
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  And obviously,
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  the goal
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  is
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  to help you see how much of a role you have in this process.
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  The mentality of quote,
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  fix my kid.
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  It's very shortsighted.
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  It's very myopic,
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  and it's
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  very.
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  Ill advised,
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  quite honestly,
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  because
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  first of all,
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  kids aren't broken.
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  Second of all,
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  a child cannot be the only one to change.
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  It's impossible.
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  As the child changes,
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  you will have to change,
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  and if you fight it,
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  it's going to be harder.
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  So,
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  it's very important that we understand
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  the symbiosis
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  that sets us up for an ideal
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  where everyone
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  is working toward the same goal,
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  changing,
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  healing,
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  growing,
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  and moving in the same direction.
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  I hope that encourages you.
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  I hope it's helpful.
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  I love y'all.
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  Thanks for hanging out with me each week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.