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S3E13 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Why Kids Fight for Control (and What to Do About It) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am talking through a concept
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  that I think is going to really change and revolutionize the way that we view
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  children.
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  And that is
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  how few things over which children have control.
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  Now,
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  that may seem like something that we've talked about before because we have.
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  However,
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  what's interesting is it's not just
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  that kids really don't have a lot of control,
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  it's what they do as a result
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  of their lack of control.
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  And this is what ends up
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  putting children in a disregulated state.
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  This is what
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  ends up putting children in a power hungry state.
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  And then
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  we end up with a lot of
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  difficult behavior
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  and a lot of defiance and refusal,
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  but I think often the route is missed.
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  So,
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  we're continuing in the Parent Companion
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  series,
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  and
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  this is specifically
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  why a child
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  is going to
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  fight
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  in certain areas of their lives.
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  And it always,
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  almost always comes back to lack of control.
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  So let's dive in.
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  I think this is actually going to be really helpful.
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  One of the most consistent things
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  that
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  parents report when they come in and meet with us as child-centered play therapists
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  is what they often don't realize are power struggles,
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  but
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  if you filter everything down to one root cause,
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  what parents describe is going on
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  is because of power struggles.
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  In other words,
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  parent says kid will not listen.
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  Kid will not
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  eat anything except chicken nuggets and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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  Child will not
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  toilet train.
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  Child is refusing to get on the bus and we're late every single morning.
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  Child will not sleep in their own bed.
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  Child will not.
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  Get along well with other children at school,
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  and
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  this often feels very isolated and distinct
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  as a parent is discussing the frustrations.
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  We have
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  school issues,
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  we have bedtime issues,
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  we have getting ready in the morning issues.
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  We have eating issues.
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  We have bathroom issues.
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  But really,
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  at the heart of all of it
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  is control.
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  And when you realize that kids only have control over so many things.
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  You can filter much
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  of the behavior
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  that is difficult and frustrating into
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  a power grab.
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  So,
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  over which things
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  do children have control?
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  The,
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  the list is very short.
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  You can fit it on one hand.
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  First,
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  toileting.
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  A child is going to withhold.
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  A child is going to release.
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  A child is going to refuse to use the toilet.
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  A child is going to hide and poop in
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  the bedroom under the table.
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  A child is going to insist on pull-ups.
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  A child is going,
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  the,
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  the list goes on as far as toileting goes.
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  Why?
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  Because that is something over which they have control.
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  To a degree.
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  I mean,
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  obviously at some point bodily functions take over and the body has to purge waste,
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  but generally speaking,
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  There is a sense of I get to decide what happens
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  with my body.
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  So
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  I will let it all go and not care.
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  I will hold it in and not care.
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  And then obviously there are consequences of those decisions,
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  but
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  toileting,
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  one of the major things over which a child has control.
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  Second,
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  sleeping.
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  So
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  falling asleep,
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  staying asleep,
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  where they sleep,
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  when they sleep,
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  what conditions they require
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  for sleep.
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  Why?
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  Because
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  something over which they have control.
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  And keep in mind,
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  especially for anxious kids,
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  everything feels worse at night.
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  So often sleeping issues originate with anxiety.
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  But then it becomes a control grab
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  because anxious kids
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  hate the feeling of vulnerability and fear,
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  so they try to control the circumstances so they can alleviate some of that fear.
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  So I feel scared when I'm in a room by myself,
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  so I'm going to refuse to stay in the room by myself.
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  That's a control grab.
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  But rooted in anxiety,
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  they often go together for sleeping.
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  So you have a child that
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  has these parameters
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  under which they will sleep.
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  And it seems like they're just being
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  defiant or difficult or disobedient or whatever.
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  It's actually control
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  to mitigate the anxiety.
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  Third
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  option
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  is eating.
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  So a child will refuse to eat
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  most things,
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  all but one or two things.
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  They will hoard food,
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  they will hide food.
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  They will gorge themselves on food.
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  They will refuse to eat,
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  period.
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  They will insist that everything has to be cut into bite-size pieces for them,
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  and the crust will not be on their peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
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  and they will not eat vegetables,
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  and the list goes on and on.
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  And we see this as frustrating,
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  but again,
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  another measure of control.
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  It's really difficult to force feed a child.
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  So something over which they have
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  largely complete control.
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  And
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  when you hear parents say,
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  quote,
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  picky eaters.
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  It's control
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  4th,
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  talking.
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  So
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  a child will refuse to talk altogether.
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  A child will refuse to talk in certain situations with certain people.
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  A child will
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  talk too much and they will yell and scream all the time.
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  Why something over which they have control.
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  Now,
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  when a child refuses to talk.
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  In certain scenarios or across the board,
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  selective mutism is its own separate thing,
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  but again rooted in anxiety.
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  And control is the antidote to anxiety for children.
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  So they will decide when they're going to talk and how they're going to talk
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  and under what circumstances they will talk.
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  And then 5th,
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  obedience.
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  So they can choose to comply
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  or they can choose not to.
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  They can choose to do what you ask,
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  or they can choose not to.
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  They can choose to stop what they're doing or they can choose not to.
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  They can choose to get in bed or they can choose not to,
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  and the sense of
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  someone has asked me or told me to do something.
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  That is putting you in a position of power as the parent.
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  And we just discussed,
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  kids only have control over a few things,
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  so therefore I don't want someone else to have power over me.
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  So I'm going to refuse.
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  Because
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  now I have a sense of power and control.
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  Those are the 5 most consistent things over which children have control.
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  And as I said,
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  they fit on one hand.
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  So think about the nature of a child's life.
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  They're told
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  where to go,
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  when to go,
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  how to go,
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  why to go.
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  All day every day
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  from everyone in their life.
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  And there comes a point when a child is like,
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  I really would like a say.
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  I really would like a voice.
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  I really would like to have some control.
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  And they will grasp it.
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  Any measure of power and control that they can take,
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  they will,
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  and they have a limited set of options,
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  as we just discussed,
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  but we need to start seeing things in terms of
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  this is my child just wanting some control.
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  We all want control.
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  We all want to have some power.
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  We all want say.
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  We all want to be able to make decisions for ourselves.
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  This is not a strange scenario.
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  But we treat children as if they shouldn't fight for control and power.
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  And they're wired to do so.
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  Some kids more than others,
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  of course,
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  but
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  it makes sense that a child's going to say,
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  if I
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  only have control over a handful of things,
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  I'm going to take
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  control.
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  And then we have toileting,
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  sleeping,
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  eating,
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  talking,
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  and obeying issues.
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  So hopefully this gives some insight and perspective.
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  That's one of the goals of this podcast is
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  insight and awareness and perspective about your children.
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  And it's easy
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  to see behavior
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  as
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  distinct and separate and irritating.
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  My kid
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  X
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  and Y and Z,
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  and then we wrap and we go to A and B,
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  and we see this as one frustration and annoyance after another.
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  But
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  one of the things that CCPTs
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  are prone to do
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  is to take what is being shared with us
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  and filter.
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  So
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  when all of these complaints are raised in our initial parent meeting,
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  we're able to say,
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  well,
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  it all really stems from the same thing.
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  And that in and of itself
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  can help you adjust the way that you're going to respond.
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  Once you have a sense,
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  you can't unknow what you know.
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  So once you have a sense of what's going on with your child,
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  oh,
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  this is a power grab.
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  OK,
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  here's another power grab.
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  All right,
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  this kid really just wants power right now.
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  It will absolutely transform the way that you interact
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  because you will start to give more empowerment choices.
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  You will start to make it clear that the child does have control
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  in small things
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  in their lives.
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  And you will respond differently when you realize that the
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  child is in the middle of a power grab.
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  Maybe it's because
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  there's too much dictatorial authority
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  being expressed.
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  Maybe because
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  the child is really emotional right now,
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  maybe because the child is really fearful right now.
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  And then all of a sudden you start to accommodate
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  the need.
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  While still obviously setting limits when needed and
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  addressing things as they need to be,
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  but
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  we now have a different perspective on the behavior.
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  So my hope is that that is
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  encouraging to you.
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  It gives you some insight so that you can
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  really interact in more enhancing ways with your children.
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  We're all about relationship.
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  We talk about this all the time.
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  And fractures in relationship
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  almost always stem from power and control.
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  On one side or the other.
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  And so if we can recognize the power and control need,
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  then we can respond accordingly and preserve relationship with our kids.
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  So this is universal whether or not you're pursuing play therapy or not.
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  This really is the sense of why children behave the way that they do.
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  And so my hope is that it encourages you to
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  have better
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  depth of understanding
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  and
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  Adjust and interact in different ways with your kids.
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  So,
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  if you would like to reach out to me,
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  I would love to hear from you,
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  You can say hello,
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  you can ask me a question,
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  you can post something that's going on with your child
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  and ask me to cover it in an episode.
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  I would love to hear from you.
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  I read every email,
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  so
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  please reach out if you have anything that you want to share.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.