Latest / The Christian Homemaking Podcast: Simply Convivial with Mystie Winckler / Why You Feel So Defensive as a Homemaker (It's Not What You Think)

Transcript

Why You Feel So Defensive as a Homemaker (It's Not What You Think) · The Christian Homemaking Podcast: Simply Convivial with Mystie Winckler

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  Speaker: If your husband or your mom or a friend made some comment
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  about the state of your house, do you feel immediately defensive?
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  Do you feel defensive even if nobody said anything at all, but you just imagine
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  that they're probably thinking it?
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  Defensiveness is a sign of excuse making.
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  It's a distraction
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  and a deflection technique that we have to recognize and then deal with what's really
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  going on underneath that defensiveness.
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  Defensiveness is a red flag that something with our attitudes is totally off
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  Now, last month in Convivial Circle was our no excuses month, and every week on
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  our topic, I have a 20, 25-minute little pep talk that I give on that topic, and I
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  wanted to share this little clip from last month's seminar called Defensiveness is a
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  Sign of Excuses Because I think it might help all of us be more aware of what's
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  really going on in our head and why.
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  defensiveness-is-a-sign-of-excuses-convivial-circle-1789493243: And so right there, that situation needs
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  to be dealt with one way or another, and defensiveness isn't gonna make it
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  better So giving reasons in a defensive manner is an indication that you need
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  to s- take it a step back or two.
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  Those reasons are not gonna be helpful.
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  They're not gonna get you anywhere productive.
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  You have to take a step back and say, "Wait, what is this you know,
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  who am I defending myself against or what am I defending myself against?
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  Why do I feel attacked just by my husband walking through the door
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  and he hasn't done or said anything?
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  It's like that's not him.
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  That's some kind of story happening in my head Because maybe you told yourself, " He
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  will be happy if I have the house clean.
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  The house isn't clean, therefore he's not gonna be happy."
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  Now he walks in the door, and I'm assuming he's not happy because I
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  didn't do what I said I was gonna do, and that's all of this spinning
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  that's happening in our own head.
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  And then we respond defensively in our head, but even to our
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  husband who has no idea that this has been spinning up in our…
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  You know, he has no idea what's going on because it's all in our heads
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  And so as soon as we start feeling those defensive reasonings coming to try to act
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  as a protective layer, we have to say, "What am I trying to protect myself from?"
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  Right.
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  Stephanie says, "If my excuses were actually valid or my reasons were
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  valid, then I wouldn't feel attacked.
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  I'd just feel normal."
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I think many husbands
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  Don't even know what's going on half the time, right?
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  Because we don't even know what's going on because we aren't aware of it ourselves.
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  It's- the story spins up in our heads, and we don't step back and question it.
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  And so we need some kind of prompt, some kind of trigger that
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  reminds us to examine what's going on with our internal narrative.
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  And I think that feeling of defensiveness is recognizable enough that it can be
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  our prompt to step back and ask, "What are we trying to protect ourselves from?
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  What's going on, and why do I feel the need to extend a protective
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  barrier between myself and this other person or this circumstance?"
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  And then, you can either ask for forgiveness and repent and get on the
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  right path again if there's real guilt
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  Which would include like lying to yourself about your husband.
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  That would be something that you might need to repent.
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  If you s- spun a false story in your head about how your husband's going
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  to respond and you just are reacting based on that internal story, even
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  though nothing came out of your mouth to someone else, that can be an internal
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  slander of your husband to yourself.
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  So that, that's something to repent of.
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  And then you have restoration once you've repented and there's the ability
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  to move on If it's just a vague feeling bad because things aren't good enough,
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  then that's a fake guilt that is s- a cover for … That's keeping us stuck
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  and low because then we're protected from real responsibilities and abounding
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  in good works, which increases our responsibilities and makes us more busy.
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  And so sometimes those feelings that just kind of vaguely keep us down, and
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  then we're defensive if anyone questions them That can be a self-protective
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  measure to keep our lives and ourselves small and actually unproductive
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  Yes.
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  Annie said, "I grew up where every little flaw was a reason to be in
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  trouble, and my poor husband is so sweet and is never unhappy with me, but has
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  had to deal with those old feelings."
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  Yeah.
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  if you have ever been yelled at without cause, uh, gotten in trouble and it wasn't
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  really because you did anything wrong, but just because whoever, you know, one
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  of your parents or whoever was having their own problem and taking it out on
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  you We need those prompts to help us to recognize that our trained responses,
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  our self-preservation responses, are no longer based in the reality.
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  It takes practice, but it takes awareness and intentional practice.
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  It's not just going to magically go away And it takes intention to not pass
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  that same tendency on ourselves when the roles flip and now we're the parents
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  The responses that we're used to are just reacting and taking out
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  our emotions on other people, whether that's anger or sadness.
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  Like, it could be multiple feelings, but it's still being ruled by
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  feelings rather than reality
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  Speaker: If we're going to organize our attitude, which is what we're focusing
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  on this month in Convivio Circle and here on YouTube and here on the podcast
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  Be sure to sign up for all the bonuses and extra encouragement coming by email with
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  this special Organize October challenge.
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  You can go to simplyconvivial.com/october
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  to get all that
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  But really identifying what's going on in our attitudes, be- having
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  that level of self-awareness is key to organizing our attitude.
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  So I wanna share this clip with you.
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  Grab a basket of laundry to fold, and let's dig in
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  Now Now this was just a clip.
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  The full version of the seminar is on the member-only podcast, in our
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  replay hub, or on the Simply Convivial library app if you're a subscriber
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  if you're in Convivial Circle
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  But whether or not you are, at least yet
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  Try to notice if you feel any defensiveness and why you think that's
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  coming up And then walk through the steps of repenting, rejoicing, and repeating.
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  This is how we organize our attitude.
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  And if you need help doing that, that's what we are all working on together
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  inside Convivial Circle, my community that is all about h- helping women to excel
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  at homemaking and do life cheerfully.
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  You can find out more at convivialcircle.com
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  And also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss the next Organize October episode