Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 446. Reinventing Yourself in Your 20s, Toxic Relationships & Moving On from Almost-Love (Headnoise)

Transcript

446. Reinventing Yourself in Your 20s, Toxic Relationships & Moving On from Almost-Love (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:23
Speaker 1: This is a head noise episode. This is where I
0:26
Speaker 1: answer all your head noise questions. This is where I'm
0:28
Speaker 1: questioning if you're on crack, this is where I'm questioning
0:31
Speaker 1: if you know what you're doing with your life. This
0:33
Speaker 1: is where I ask you the hard question so you
0:37
Speaker 1: can come to the resolution yourself. And what I mean
0:40
Speaker 1: by that is, I think, obviously this is my opinion,
0:45
Speaker 1: kind of backed by also a bit of research as well.
0:48
Speaker 1: It's more than it's a loaded opinion, but I believe
0:51
Speaker 1: that one of the best ways of coming to a
0:54
Speaker 1: resolution is by asking yourself a whole bunch of questions,
0:58
Speaker 1: by really being able to create, analyzed, not just getting
1:01
Speaker 1: someone's advice, not just getting someone to say this is
1:03
Speaker 1: what you need to do. So while these head noise
1:08
Speaker 1: questions are me giving you advice, I also want to
1:12
Speaker 1: fill you up with questions to ask yourself. I want
1:14
Speaker 1: you to ask yourself questions that you've never really asked
1:16
Speaker 1: yourself before, to be like, wow, I've never looked at
1:19
Speaker 1: it in that way, I've never thought about it in
1:21
Speaker 1: that way. I've never realized that angle, which now has
1:25
Speaker 1: given me more clarity because by the end of these
1:27
Speaker 1: advice questions, whether you're the person that wrote the question
1:31
Speaker 1: or whether you're listening to this, being like that fucking
1:33
Speaker 1: applies to my life too. I want you to feel
1:36
Speaker 1: like you made the decision for yourself, not that I
1:39
Speaker 1: made the decision for you, Okay, And I think that
1:42
Speaker 1: that's kind of what the best psychologists do as well.
1:45
Speaker 1: They steer you to finding the answer for yourself by
1:51
Speaker 1: asking the right questions. So it's kind of a discussion
1:55
Speaker 1: I've rarely unless it's like a really fucking toxic situation.
1:59
Speaker 1: I give you a black and white answer of what
2:01
Speaker 1: you have to do. I try and get you to
2:04
Speaker 1: ask yourself as many questions as possible. So, without delaying
2:07
Speaker 1: any further, let's get straight into the episode of today.
2:14
Speaker 1: Someone said, and sometimes the titles of these are just brilliant.
2:18
Speaker 1: So if you are sending in your voice messages or
2:20
Speaker 1: your emails, I love a good title just for fucking
2:24
Speaker 1: shits and giggles. You don't have to, but I really
2:26
Speaker 1: love and entertaining title, so good times. This one is
2:29
Speaker 1: trying to reinvent myself in my twenties.
2:33
Speaker 2: HI, like, sirs, if I could title this voice message,
2:35
Speaker 2: I would call it trying to reinvent myself in my twenties,
2:39
Speaker 2: or invent myself if you will. I've recently re listened
2:44
Speaker 2: to your podcast with Robin Shamah, and I just had
2:47
Speaker 2: a lot of points that came up again for me
2:49
Speaker 2: that i wanted to talk about. But basically, I'm just
2:52
Speaker 2: wanting some advice on how to find joy and comfort
2:56
Speaker 2: in like the current moment that I'm in. I just
2:59
Speaker 2: feel like I've hit a point in my twenties where
3:01
Speaker 2: i feel like I've kind of plutaued a little bit.
3:04
Speaker 2: I've done some travel, I've lived away from home, I
3:08
Speaker 2: finished my degree, and now I'm working. It's my first
3:10
Speaker 2: year working as a nurse in an emergency department, so
3:14
Speaker 2: it's pretty full on. But I just feel like I
3:17
Speaker 2: always dreamed of getting to this point, and now I'm here,
3:20
Speaker 2: and I'm just finding that I'm not really actually appreciating
3:23
Speaker 2: the point that I'm at in life, and I'm always
3:26
Speaker 2: chasing something more. Which I do have goals, you know,
3:30
Speaker 2: I'm currently living with a parent in an area that
3:34
Speaker 2: I don't particularly enjoy, so like I have a lot
3:37
Speaker 2: of financial goals and life goals but I find that
3:41
Speaker 2: I'm still lacking. I don't know if it's the social
3:43
Speaker 2: connection because I'm so busy with my new role, but yeah,
3:47
Speaker 2: I'm just wanting some advice on how to find joy
3:49
Speaker 2: and comfort in the current moment that I'm in when
3:54
Speaker 2: I've done so much work to get here. If that
3:56
Speaker 2: makes any sense, thank you so much.
3:58
Speaker 1: Awesome question. It makes this so much sense. I was
4:00
Speaker 1: actually having this conversation recently with one of my friends
4:03
Speaker 1: about this, you know, not wanting to always live in
4:06
Speaker 1: the future, and that's the thing when it comes to
4:08
Speaker 1: goals as well. I'm I'm all for goals. Fucking love goals.
4:11
Speaker 1: We need to have goals, we need to be growing, whatever.
4:13
Speaker 1: But you also don't want your entire existence to be
4:16
Speaker 1: focused around your goals because goals are in the future.
4:21
Speaker 1: So it's finding that balance of I want to be
4:24
Speaker 1: working towards my goals because growth is important. Growth equals happiness.
4:27
Speaker 1: When I see evolution and change in myself, I start
4:30
Speaker 1: to value myself more, I respect myself more, all these things.
4:33
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I need to balance that
4:37
Speaker 1: and marry that with and enjoyment of the present moment,
4:40
Speaker 1: because happiness also exists primarily exists in the little moments
4:47
Speaker 1: throughout the day. It's not winning the lotto, it's not
4:49
Speaker 1: this one big event that happens. It's not your graduation day,
4:53
Speaker 1: your wedding day. While all those things are big moments
4:56
Speaker 1: that are really impactful in your life, they're not the
4:58
Speaker 1: things that make you an overall happy post. And the
5:00
Speaker 1: reason we know this is because you could look at
5:02
Speaker 1: people that have achieved these major milestones who are fucking
5:04
Speaker 1: miserable with their life. Okay. So the happy people when
5:08
Speaker 1: you look around and you say, who is genuinely happy?
5:13
Speaker 1: Why are they happy? Okay? And it's often the ones
5:16
Speaker 1: that can find joy in the smaller things in their life,
5:21
Speaker 1: that find joy in the in between moments, in those interactions.
5:26
Speaker 1: So my advice for you, because I guess what's also
5:28
Speaker 1: really hard, is that you have worked really hard to
5:30
Speaker 1: get to this point in your life, and there's other
5:32
Speaker 1: things that you want to work towards. So you're set
5:34
Speaker 1: up very well. Okay, it might not feel like it
5:36
Speaker 1: right now, that your setup is very good because you're
5:38
Speaker 1: kind of proving to yourself that when you set out
5:41
Speaker 1: to do something, you can achieve it. You've also ticked
5:44
Speaker 1: off many things in your life that you've earned for yourself,
5:46
Speaker 1: that you've wanted to do. You've traveled, You've done all
5:48
Speaker 1: these things. So tick, tick tick, You're now in a
5:51
Speaker 1: position where you're like, oh, I'm just not really like
5:55
Speaker 1: thrilled or enjoying myself. I'm not completely dissatisfied. It's not
5:58
Speaker 1: a depression, it's not an adonia. I just want to
6:01
Speaker 1: enjoy my life a bit more. So ask yourself, what
6:04
Speaker 1: am I doing right now that makes me less satisfied
6:09
Speaker 1: than what I was doing in the past. What are
6:11
Speaker 1: the things that are contributing to me feeling less satisfied?
6:16
Speaker 1: There's not enough adventure in my life? Is it the
6:19
Speaker 1: monotony of my life? Do I feel that I'm actually
6:23
Speaker 1: burnt out? Because you said you're very busy, so and
6:27
Speaker 1: not necessarily to the extent of burnout, But do I
6:29
Speaker 1: feel like I'm stretching myself quite thin? So I'm not
6:33
Speaker 1: finding balance in my life. Was I having more enjoyment
6:37
Speaker 1: life satisfaction before I was in this full time job
6:40
Speaker 1: because I had better balance. Is it that I'm less
6:43
Speaker 1: connected to people around me? Is it that I'm not
6:48
Speaker 1: doing fun things like I'm not you know, doing those
6:53
Speaker 1: spontaneous fun things that I used to do, like the
6:56
Speaker 1: random morning coffee or that random rock climbing afternoon with
6:59
Speaker 1: my f or the brand all these like weird, random
7:03
Speaker 1: shit which really build up a fun and colorful life.
7:07
Speaker 1: Am I doing any of that?
7:09
Speaker 3: Like?
7:09
Speaker 1: Why is it that I felt that I had better
7:11
Speaker 1: life satisfaction and didn't really question it two years ago
7:14
Speaker 1: or three years ago, whenever it was versus now? What
7:17
Speaker 1: are the major factors that are different? And a lot
7:19
Speaker 1: of the time it comes down to I've kind of
7:23
Speaker 1: focused so much on these external goals like a career,
7:29
Speaker 1: that all the little things, like the little interactions and
7:31
Speaker 1: the little fun moments and prioritizing fun and spontaneity has
7:35
Speaker 1: gone out the window. So I would go so far
7:37
Speaker 1: as to say that that might be the problem for you,
7:39
Speaker 1: But ask yourself those questions so you can come to
7:42
Speaker 1: that resolution. Because I don't think my advice here is
7:46
Speaker 1: going to be anything around you needing growth, you needing
7:50
Speaker 1: purpose because you seem to have those things. I think
7:52
Speaker 1: you're probably lacking a little bit in this connection side
7:55
Speaker 1: of things, because you know, my three pillars of happiness
7:57
Speaker 1: and growth, connection and purpose. But you know, you're doing
8:00
Speaker 1: things to grow, You're doing all of that. So I
8:02
Speaker 1: want you to start thinking where can I start having
8:06
Speaker 1: unattached fun? And what I mean by unattached fun is
8:10
Speaker 1: I don't want you to think, Hey, what's a hobby
8:13
Speaker 1: that then I can turn into a side hustle or
8:15
Speaker 1: what's a you know, like, just just without attaching yourself
8:19
Speaker 1: to the outcome? How can I have fun again like
8:22
Speaker 1: a child has fun, like my early twenties had fun.
8:26
Speaker 1: And fun might look different to you now because it
8:29
Speaker 1: might not be why I can't get trashed every weekend
8:31
Speaker 1: because of all these factors that it's just not you
8:34
Speaker 1: know whatever. Or I can't spend so much time doing
8:38
Speaker 1: this hobby that I used to dedicate all this time
8:39
Speaker 1: to because I just don't have the time. But how
8:41
Speaker 1: can you bring fun into your life? What are you
8:44
Speaker 1: doing to enjoy those pockets throughout the day? For example,
8:49
Speaker 1: for me, if I have a big day, I'm very
8:52
Speaker 1: tempted to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing
8:55
Speaker 1: because I'm tired. Right, I'm drained, I'm tired. But what
8:59
Speaker 1: I often do is, Okay, I need to have fun
9:01
Speaker 1: with my afternoon, so I'll put on my favorite playlist,
9:03
Speaker 1: I'll go on a walk in my favorite way of
9:06
Speaker 1: getting there. I'll go to the shops, I'll buy my
9:08
Speaker 1: favorite ingredients, and then i'll cook one of my favorite
9:10
Speaker 1: meals while watching a rum com that's fucking fun. I
9:12
Speaker 1: really enjoy it. And then as I'm doing it, I'm
9:14
Speaker 1: loving it. I'm just like I'm here for it, I'm thrilled.
9:17
Speaker 1: Or I'm watching replays of qualifying for the Formula one
9:19
Speaker 1: or whatever the fuck it is. Or I think I've
9:21
Speaker 1: got one hour, Why don't I just grab my favorite
9:24
Speaker 1: book one hour and go and sit at my favorite cafe,
9:28
Speaker 1: buy a four dollar coffee for a dollar fifty coffee?
9:31
Speaker 1: How I feel they are, sit down and fucking read
9:34
Speaker 1: and take it all in. Okay, it's those moments, I'm
9:38
Speaker 1: telling you. It is those moments that are going to
9:40
Speaker 1: make you feel happier. But you need to be asking
9:42
Speaker 1: yourself these questions because it's not about you. Don't need
9:44
Speaker 1: to be pursuing it. You're already doing all of that.
9:46
Speaker 1: So don't throw yourself deeper into the things that you're
9:49
Speaker 1: already doing because you're already ticking off that box and
9:52
Speaker 1: that's actually going to stress you. Out even further. Your
9:55
Speaker 1: thing right now is not about chasing golds harder. It's
9:58
Speaker 1: not about being more committed already doing that. It's about
10:01
Speaker 1: finding spontaneous moments are fun and if you can include
10:04
Speaker 1: other people in that, it's going to be even better.
10:08
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped. Thank you so much for sending that through.
10:11
Speaker 1: All Right, Finding myself, this one's called So.
10:16
Speaker 3: I feel like I I've just been in an absolute
10:21
Speaker 3: mess with the people that I choose. I've been in
10:26
Speaker 3: very toxic, volatile relationships, two very toxic volatile relationships. Then
10:33
Speaker 3: I went out with someone who cheated on me. And
10:36
Speaker 3: no matter how horrible people be to me, I feel
10:39
Speaker 3: like I just always see the good in them. And yes,
10:44
Speaker 3: it's a blessing to see the good and people, but
10:47
Speaker 3: it is also a curse sometimes, and I just want
10:51
Speaker 3: to know why do I do this. I know I'm
10:55
Speaker 3: a good person. I love hard. I just don't love
10:59
Speaker 3: the right people. I know one day that I will
11:02
Speaker 3: find the one, but I need to find myself first,
11:07
Speaker 3: and I just don't know how to go By day
11:09
Speaker 3: on this. I've been journal and I've been mad at it,
11:13
Speaker 3: and I've been listening to podcasts trying to get my
11:18
Speaker 3: head round up. But I just seem to be in
11:22
Speaker 3: the same patterns and find myself on this road every time.
11:26
Speaker 1: Okay, awesome question. I feel that many if the listeners
11:30
Speaker 1: listening and can relate on some level to that. So
11:33
Speaker 1: the first thing that I want to tackle in what
11:36
Speaker 1: you said was that you always find the good in people,
11:38
Speaker 1: and like that could be a it's a blessing and
11:40
Speaker 1: it's also a curse. There is nothing wrong with finding
11:44
Speaker 1: the good in people. I think most people on this
11:47
Speaker 1: planet have a very good side to them. But I
11:50
Speaker 1: know many good people who are shit partners or like
11:54
Speaker 1: good people at work who are really generous with their
11:57
Speaker 1: time and kind but shit dads whatever. Like you know,
12:02
Speaker 1: like I think, you can see the good in someone,
12:06
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean they're good for you. That doesn't
12:08
Speaker 1: mean they're good enough for you. So this is where
12:10
Speaker 1: your boundaries and self respect need to be elevated significantly.
12:16
Speaker 1: You don't have to change seeing the good in people.
12:19
Speaker 1: That's the beauty of it. My grandmother was the same.
12:21
Speaker 1: It's actually one of my favorite traits in my grandmother,
12:24
Speaker 1: and she's no longer with us. But that's one of
12:27
Speaker 1: the things when I sing her praises and I describe
12:30
Speaker 1: her to other people. That's a trait that I say.
12:32
Speaker 1: She always managed to see the good in people. She
12:34
Speaker 1: was so positive. It was like such a breath of
12:36
Speaker 1: fresh air that instead of saying something negative about someone
12:40
Speaker 1: she met, she was able to be like but and
12:42
Speaker 1: always see the good in people. So you don't have
12:43
Speaker 1: to change that about yourself. I actually think that's a
12:45
Speaker 1: beautiful trait in somebody, to identify the good in other people,
12:51
Speaker 1: because you also have better interactions when you do that. However, however,
12:57
Speaker 1: if you're seeing the good in people but I ignoring
13:01
Speaker 1: the other things, then you are throwing yourself under the bus.
13:04
Speaker 1: That's where the problem comes. Because seeing the good in
13:07
Speaker 1: people as a standalone trade I actually really like I
13:11
Speaker 1: really like that, and it makes you just a happier
13:12
Speaker 1: person in general. The issue, so you don't have to
13:15
Speaker 1: change that. The issue here is I'm choosing to only
13:19
Speaker 1: see the good, but I'm ignoring the red flags, or
13:22
Speaker 1: I'm ignoring the behavior that I know is not going
13:24
Speaker 1: to align with me, or I'm ignoring the selfish acts
13:28
Speaker 1: that doesn't that isn't conducive to a healthy partnership, or
13:31
Speaker 1: I'm ignoring the same behaviors that I've been through before
13:36
Speaker 1: because this person is showing me validation or the showing
13:39
Speaker 1: me warmth or love or something that I'm craving. So
13:43
Speaker 1: you're gonna ask yourself why am I ignoring these things? Why?
13:47
Speaker 1: There's a reason, and one of the reasons is probably
13:51
Speaker 1: because you feel like you need someone in your life
13:55
Speaker 1: in order to feel validated or in order to feel loved. Okay,
13:58
Speaker 1: you can't provide that for yourself, look for it in
14:00
Speaker 1: somebody else, and then you get stuck in this loop
14:03
Speaker 1: feeling like if I need this in someone else, beggars
14:07
Speaker 1: can't be choosers. I'm going to only focus on the
14:09
Speaker 1: good things about this person. You know that there's bad
14:12
Speaker 1: things going on. It's there in the subconscious, but you're
14:14
Speaker 1: not bringing it to the forefront because you don't want
14:16
Speaker 1: to admit it to yourself, because if you admit it
14:18
Speaker 1: to yourself, then you're going to be alone and lonely
14:20
Speaker 1: and you feel like you're you're not good enough and
14:22
Speaker 1: it's not going to be okay. But unfortunately for you
14:26
Speaker 1: and for everyone else listening in the same position, you
14:28
Speaker 1: have to do hard work first before you can reap
14:31
Speaker 1: the benefits and the hard work here is allowing yourself
14:35
Speaker 1: to be alone because you have to teach yourself. You
14:39
Speaker 1: have to teach yourself what the minimum standard is, okay,
14:43
Speaker 1: because if you have a minimum standard for how you
14:46
Speaker 1: treat yourself for what you're willing to put up with,
14:49
Speaker 1: and this goes for all relationships. You can't have a
14:51
Speaker 1: standard for how your future partner treats you, but allow
14:55
Speaker 1: your friends to talk to you like you're a piece
14:57
Speaker 1: of shit. Okay, this is a standard across the bad
15:00
Speaker 1: people will no longer talk to me like this. I
15:01
Speaker 1: don't care who the fuck you are. That's my minimum standard,
15:05
Speaker 1: including myself. I have to adhere to that standard too, Okay,
15:09
Speaker 1: everyone including me cannot talk to me in this way
15:12
Speaker 1: or treat me in a certain way or xyz. You
15:15
Speaker 1: choose what those standards are. When you start to do that,
15:20
Speaker 1: you then start to become much better at filtering out
15:22
Speaker 1: who you're gonna invest your time in and who you're
15:26
Speaker 1: not gonna invest your time in. There's a difference between
15:29
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to deal with some shit cunts here
15:31
Speaker 1: and they're throughout your life, because that's just life. We
15:33
Speaker 1: can't only ever deal with good people versus who I
15:36
Speaker 1: choose to date, who I choose to bring into my
15:38
Speaker 1: inner circle. Okay, so when we're talking about intimate relationships,
15:43
Speaker 1: best friends and partners, things like that, you have to
15:47
Speaker 1: really raise the standard of how you're willing to be treated.
15:50
Speaker 1: And unless you can do that for yourself first, you're
15:53
Speaker 1: not gonna be able to do that with a relationship.
15:55
Speaker 1: I mean, some people are lucky and they win the
15:58
Speaker 1: lottery and they just fall into the arms of someone
16:00
Speaker 1: who's actually just kind. But you also subject yourself to
16:03
Speaker 1: falling into the arms of someone who's unkind if you're
16:05
Speaker 1: not setting that initial standard. So my answer to you
16:09
Speaker 1: is you need to do all the things around self respect,
16:13
Speaker 1: around you know, having your own back, really understanding, like
16:18
Speaker 1: teaching people how to treat you. I've got episodes on
16:21
Speaker 1: all of these things. I've got episodes called how to
16:23
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you, resilience, having your own back,
16:26
Speaker 1: all this kind of stuff. Because then you still get
16:30
Speaker 1: to say the good in everyone, which is great because
16:33
Speaker 1: you're not being pessimistic and negative, but you're able to
16:35
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, you're funny, you're fun you're entertaining,
16:39
Speaker 1: you're good, but here are three red flags that I've
16:42
Speaker 1: seen before and I'm not interested in. So you don't
16:46
Speaker 1: have to erase that trait within you. You just have
16:48
Speaker 1: to elevate your ability to look for the entire spectrum
16:53
Speaker 1: of things that someone has to offer when you meet them. Okay,
16:57
Speaker 1: and I feel like for you, the reason you can
17:00
Speaker 1: falling into these things is because you think that you
17:02
Speaker 1: need these relationships. If you feel like you need these relationships,
17:06
Speaker 1: then you are going to settle for less. Okay, it's
17:10
Speaker 1: about like, what is your best alternative? If your life
17:14
Speaker 1: is so good being single, Like, you respect yourself, You've
17:19
Speaker 1: got great relationships, you've got a good routine, you love
17:22
Speaker 1: you know how you feel within yourself, you like the
17:24
Speaker 1: progress that you're making. There's all these things that are
17:27
Speaker 1: going really well for you. You like your own company,
17:29
Speaker 1: you like how you spend your spare time, all of that.
17:32
Speaker 1: Then you're not going to be like, oh my god,
17:34
Speaker 1: I need to date that person who's going to make
17:36
Speaker 1: me feel like shit every single day. No, because your
17:39
Speaker 1: best alternative, your batner, is you alone, you single, not
17:46
Speaker 1: with that person. The more you elevate that, the more
17:51
Speaker 1: you can cut out the shit the bullshit, the kind
17:54
Speaker 1: of the trash of you know how people treat you
17:57
Speaker 1: and you know what they subject you to and all
17:59
Speaker 1: of that, and you know, the beauty of that is
18:02
Speaker 1: you'll be able to have great interactions and see the
18:04
Speaker 1: good in people. But be like, I wouldn't fucking date
18:07
Speaker 1: you in a fucking million years, but I can still
18:10
Speaker 1: see that you're a finny person and I can have
18:11
Speaker 1: a really good time interacting with you for this small interaction. Goodbye,
18:15
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. Okay, so please go and look
18:17
Speaker 1: at all those other episodes and see if it kind
18:20
Speaker 1: of like starts, you know, awakening certain realizations within you.
18:25
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Sense sense.
18:36
Speaker 4: Hilexis obsessed with your pod and listen to it religiously.
18:39
Speaker 4: And I've titled my voice note don't cry because it's
18:42
Speaker 4: over a smile because it happened so context. I met
18:46
Speaker 4: this guy at the beginning of the year and we
18:47
Speaker 4: absolutely hit it off. We had this crazy chemistry and
18:51
Speaker 4: this incredible connection, this amazing communication, all these green flags.
18:55
Speaker 4: But the one bumma was that he actually didn't live
18:58
Speaker 4: where I was from, Like he was a from there,
19:00
Speaker 4: but was working over east at the time and was
19:02
Speaker 4: going to be for the next six months, so we
19:04
Speaker 4: kind of both agreed to sort of say present in
19:07
Speaker 4: each other's lives. I went over and visited him, he
19:09
Speaker 4: came back home to visit me, and we hung out
19:11
Speaker 4: and had this most incredible time again. But now that
19:14
Speaker 4: the six months has passed, he's been given this opportunity
19:17
Speaker 4: to work elsewhere, which he has taken, which is incredibly
19:21
Speaker 4: exciting for him. But now I'm just a bit like lost,
19:24
Speaker 4: trying to understand how do you get over something that
19:27
Speaker 4: was never really yours in the first place, and how
19:30
Speaker 4: do you move on when a part of me still
19:32
Speaker 4: feels like there's such a small opportunity that one day
19:35
Speaker 4: he will move back home and we will get to
19:37
Speaker 4: explore something just not right now. So like, now, what
19:42
Speaker 4: how do I move on with this thought that there's
19:45
Speaker 4: still this person that I know that I had such
19:47
Speaker 4: a great connection with, it just wasn't our time right now?
19:51
Speaker 4: Do I even what?
19:52
Speaker 1: Do I even do?
19:53
Speaker 4: Do I try to move on? Do I not?
19:54
Speaker 1: I don't know.
19:56
Speaker 4: It just feels very foreign right now. So hopefully you
20:00
Speaker 4: can help mix sense for this.
20:03
Speaker 1: Love you bye, great question, hard position that you're in. Absolutely,
20:07
Speaker 1: it's so fucking hard. Because you can't really control your emotions,
20:11
Speaker 1: and even though logically you're like I knew that this
20:14
Speaker 1: was never going to be a thing or never going
20:15
Speaker 1: to be mine, you can't help how you feel. And
20:19
Speaker 1: when you have a legitimate connection with someone, that's really
20:21
Speaker 1: fucking hard. So, yeah, that's I acknowledge that there are
20:26
Speaker 1: many ways that you can kind of look into it.
20:28
Speaker 1: You said, should I try and work through it? Should
20:30
Speaker 1: I try and get over it? If there's just a
20:32
Speaker 1: slim chance that he moves back, or that this person
20:36
Speaker 1: moves back home and you can have something in the future.
20:40
Speaker 1: That may be the case. But I don't think that
20:42
Speaker 1: that should stop you from trying to move forward and
20:45
Speaker 1: move on with your life, because one thing that I
20:47
Speaker 1: don't think anyone should ever do is put their life
20:50
Speaker 1: on hold for somebody else, especially when the chance is
20:53
Speaker 1: a really slim. This is very different to a long
20:56
Speaker 1: distance relationship where you're both fully committed and the one
20:59
Speaker 1: person to go away for a year for work. That's
21:01
Speaker 1: a different story. This is like, I don't even know
21:04
Speaker 1: if they're going to come back. I don't even know
21:07
Speaker 1: if we'd ever have an opportunity in the future together.
21:10
Speaker 1: So do you hold out and wait, no, you don't, okay,
21:14
Speaker 1: because then with that will come limarents in the sense
21:20
Speaker 1: that you then start if you wait for someone, especially
21:22
Speaker 1: when there's a slim chance you start hoping, you then
21:25
Speaker 1: start creating these realities of what your future could be
21:30
Speaker 1: with this person that haven't actually happened and don't actually exist.
21:33
Speaker 1: So you end up falling even more deeply like in
21:38
Speaker 1: love or more like a fixation or a limberent fixation
21:42
Speaker 1: with this person because you're there, like ah, playing all
21:46
Speaker 1: these movies in your head, falling deeper and deeper and deeper,
21:48
Speaker 1: falling in love with the potential. Okay, that's really dangerous
21:52
Speaker 1: place to be in because that can leave you stuck
21:54
Speaker 1: in this despair and heartbreak and absolute like deep love
22:00
Speaker 1: for someone that's not even there in your life anymore. Okay,
22:03
Speaker 1: but it feels like they're there in your life because
22:05
Speaker 1: you're replaying what could have been again and again and again.
22:10
Speaker 1: So we need to snap out of that. Okay. If
22:13
Speaker 1: if if this person moves back in the future in
22:18
Speaker 1: a couple of years and you rekindle things, and it's amazing,
22:22
Speaker 1: that's two whole new people, a brand new relationship. So
22:26
Speaker 1: if that happens. You're looking at that not as oh,
22:30
Speaker 1: we got back together. You you're going to be a
22:32
Speaker 1: brand new person by then, because I want you to
22:35
Speaker 1: be always focusing on growing who you are, on expanding
22:39
Speaker 1: who you are, on evolving, and on changing. So instead
22:42
Speaker 1: of looking at I'm going to put my life on
22:43
Speaker 1: hold and hope that something comes out of this in
22:45
Speaker 1: the future, I want you to look at this as
22:48
Speaker 1: look at what all this has taught me and how
22:50
Speaker 1: it's going to help me proceed further in my life.
22:53
Speaker 1: You know, act as if it's not going to happen, okay,
22:57
Speaker 1: because hope, when it comes to relationships, is a weak dog.
23:01
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, when it comes to breakups, not relationships, but breakups,
23:05
Speaker 1: Hope is a weak dog because you sit there hoping, hoping, hoping,
23:09
Speaker 1: not doing any of the work to heal yourself, to
23:13
Speaker 1: move forward in the healthiest way possible, to really feel
23:16
Speaker 1: like you're you know, you've healed, and you can meet
23:19
Speaker 1: other people, or you can be happy alone and all
23:22
Speaker 1: these things. Hope blocks you from doing that. In a breakup,
23:24
Speaker 1: hoping that they'll come back, hoping that things will change,
23:27
Speaker 1: hoping that one day, hope you're kind of just sitting
23:29
Speaker 1: there waiting, playing a waiting game. You're wasting your time. Okay. Also,
23:34
Speaker 1: I don't like focusing on timing. Timing wasn't right. It
23:38
Speaker 1: was the right timing, It wasn't time. What you have
23:40
Speaker 1: right now is today. That's all you've got. You've got today,
23:43
Speaker 1: and that's what we're working with. So you also don't
23:46
Speaker 1: want to get stuck in that trap of wasting time
23:50
Speaker 1: because you're banging on about the importance of timing. Okay,
23:54
Speaker 1: all we can control is ourselves and our own actions
23:58
Speaker 1: and behaviors. So what are you going to do with
24:00
Speaker 1: that now? I would look at this and say, what
24:03
Speaker 1: I had with this person served as a great teacher
24:07
Speaker 1: because it gave me a really healthy relationship. I'll be
24:09
Speaker 1: forever grateful for them, forever grateful. It also served as
24:14
Speaker 1: an example of what is available for me. That kind
24:18
Speaker 1: of love. If it found me once, it can find
24:20
Speaker 1: me again. I am responsible for at least fifty percent
24:23
Speaker 1: of what I experienced in that relationship. I brought a
24:25
Speaker 1: lot to the table. It wasn't just this person. I
24:28
Speaker 1: brought a lot of intimacy and warmth and humor, and
24:32
Speaker 1: so much of that relationship was thanks to me as well,
24:35
Speaker 1: So I am capable of also creating something similar like
24:38
Speaker 1: that in its own unique way, of course, in the future.
24:41
Speaker 1: And I'm really grateful. I'm really grateful I had this
24:44
Speaker 1: experience because it showed me the kind of love that
24:48
Speaker 1: I would want for myself in the future. You know,
24:51
Speaker 1: so then instead of closing yourself off, you start opening
24:54
Speaker 1: yourself up. You start thinking, that's really beautiful. That's the
24:57
Speaker 1: love that I want. Thank you for showing me the
24:59
Speaker 1: kind of love that I want. I've had other loves
25:01
Speaker 1: in the past, but for the first time, I was
25:04
Speaker 1: able to experience something really healthy, just fucking vibes, a good,
25:08
Speaker 1: respectful person who treated me well like this is epic.
25:11
Speaker 1: And this has shown me that, and I'll forever be grateful.
25:13
Speaker 1: I don't have to forever love them or be in
25:15
Speaker 1: love with them. I'm forever grateful. So how do I
25:18
Speaker 1: move on from that? Well, Number one, we've started with
25:20
Speaker 1: acknowledging that it's, you know, a positive thing. It doesn't
25:23
Speaker 1: have to be something that I ignore. But then you've
25:24
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, how am I now filling the void?
25:27
Speaker 1: Because when there's a breakup, especially when someone leaves you
25:32
Speaker 1: and leaves you know, your city or your country or whatever,
25:36
Speaker 1: excuse me, You then have a void, okay, and if
25:41
Speaker 1: you're not filling that void up, that's where you can
25:43
Speaker 1: start to spiral, and that's where you start to kind
25:45
Speaker 1: of it fills yourself with thoughts of like, oh my god,
25:47
Speaker 1: I'm never going to get anything like this. They're missing
25:50
Speaker 1: in my life. There's a void in my life. So
25:51
Speaker 1: I want you to really focus on the times that
25:53
Speaker 1: you would be hanging out with this person or the
25:55
Speaker 1: times that you had like romanticized all these things. What
25:58
Speaker 1: can we feel this void with that's going to feel
26:01
Speaker 1: really you know, healthy for our soul. So it's not
26:06
Speaker 1: sitting on the couch and fucking doom scrolling, but it's
26:08
Speaker 1: going to be things like, you know, getting together with
26:11
Speaker 1: your friends and doing certain things, or going away for
26:14
Speaker 1: the day or going to have a sleepover at your cousins,
26:16
Speaker 1: or going to like doing new things. Maybe you can
26:19
Speaker 1: start a brand new hobby. Maybe you can start something
26:22
Speaker 1: that you're like, this is like a line in the
26:25
Speaker 1: sand and it's something completely different for me. Maybe you're like,
26:27
Speaker 1: you know what, my fucking fashion needs an overhaul. I
26:30
Speaker 1: want a completely different style. Things that help draw a
26:33
Speaker 1: line in the sand between the old new, the old
26:35
Speaker 1: you and the new you where you kind of refresh yourself,
26:40
Speaker 1: whether it's physically, whether it's just psychologically, whether it's in
26:43
Speaker 1: your habits, you have a bit of a revamp, refresh.
26:45
Speaker 1: Those are really great ways of feeling in that void
26:48
Speaker 1: of someone leaving, and also drawing a line in the
26:50
Speaker 1: sand between the me when I was with this person
26:52
Speaker 1: and now the me that's evolving since this relationship, whether
26:55
Speaker 1: it's a healthy relationship or whether it's an unhealthy relationship.
26:58
Speaker 1: This is why people die their head or get their
27:00
Speaker 1: hair chopped off after a breakup. Brilliant, brilliant If you're
27:05
Speaker 1: one of those people, Yes, because it's you're saying, I'm
27:09
Speaker 1: trying to change. I need something that's going to be
27:12
Speaker 1: a shift, even if it's superficial, a shift in my
27:15
Speaker 1: identity that's going to make me feel like I'm taking
27:18
Speaker 1: control of my life again. So if you want to
27:19
Speaker 1: go cut your hair, do fucking cut your hair, get
27:21
Speaker 1: blue eyelashes, do what it takes. But I'm saying that
27:24
Speaker 1: you need to now do a major shift in things
27:28
Speaker 1: that it is as long as it's meaningful to you.
27:29
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter if other people think it's meaningful, and that's
27:32
Speaker 1: going to help you, like lean into this new identity
27:36
Speaker 1: and you take the good with you. So you take
27:39
Speaker 1: what this person brought into your life and you're grateful
27:42
Speaker 1: for it, and you're like, I now know exactly the
27:45
Speaker 1: kind of love that I want to find, and that
27:47
Speaker 1: love can exist in many different forms. So it might
27:50
Speaker 1: be in someone else. And I'm not holding on to
27:53
Speaker 1: the fact that this person can come into my future
27:54
Speaker 1: because if they come into the future, I'm a new person,
27:57
Speaker 1: they're a new person. It'll be a brain new relationship.
27:59
Speaker 1: So I'm not banking on that. Okay, hopefully that helped.
28:02
Speaker 1: Thank you for sending in that voice message. All right,
28:05
Speaker 1: we've got time for one more question.
28:10
Speaker 5: Hi, Alexis, So I have a question about challenging one's
28:13
Speaker 5: introverted self. For context, I'm doing a program at work
28:18
Speaker 5: which is all about connecting with ourselves and understanding our
28:21
Speaker 5: own habits and trying to break them. And we've been
28:25
Speaker 5: given a project and it's to do with us personally
28:28
Speaker 5: based on like quizzes we've done about our personalities, etc.
28:33
Speaker 5: And I'm more of an introverted person. I can find
28:37
Speaker 5: that larger social settings overwhelming. So we haven't decided on
28:40
Speaker 5: a project for me, but I just know it's going
28:42
Speaker 5: to be something to do with that, and we're kind
28:43
Speaker 5: of trying to figure out what I could do.
28:45
Speaker 1: To challenge this.
28:47
Speaker 5: And yeah, I was wondering if you had any tips
28:51
Speaker 5: for someone who is more introverted to try and target this.
28:54
Speaker 5: I was thinking maybe things like rejection therapy, nothing too crazy,
29:02
Speaker 5: and then also things like maybe joining a group like
29:07
Speaker 5: by myself, which makes me really anxious, but that could
29:11
Speaker 5: be something possibly. But I was wondering if you had
29:13
Speaker 5: any other ideas for someone trying to challenge that part
29:17
Speaker 5: of them and becoming more open to engaging with people
29:21
Speaker 5: they don't know and bigger groups of people, and how
29:24
Speaker 5: to support this and just build their self confidence.
29:27
Speaker 1: Okay, this is a really good question. However, I do
29:30
Speaker 1: want to preface this whole piece of advice with there
29:34
Speaker 1: is a difference between an introvert who's just happy being
29:37
Speaker 1: introverted versus someone who feels like part of the reason
29:41
Speaker 1: why they are not so social is due to a
29:44
Speaker 1: bit of social anxiety. Okay, And the reason I raise
29:48
Speaker 1: this is because I don't want to throw a shade
29:52
Speaker 1: on your company or whatever is. But it pisces me
29:54
Speaker 1: off when companies do these fucking personality tests. Oh, we've
29:57
Speaker 1: got to do a fucking personality test, and we're gonna
29:59
Speaker 1: tell like, can't you're not a fucking psychiatrist, shut the
30:01
Speaker 1: fuck up. And these personality tests are like, for the
30:05
Speaker 1: most part, there's not that much validity behind most personality
30:08
Speaker 1: tests that exist out there. And even when the personality
30:11
Speaker 1: test is done, what are they saying, Like, they hired
30:13
Speaker 1: you because you're qualified for the job. Okay, so before
30:17
Speaker 1: I go into it, because I actually feel like there
30:19
Speaker 1: might be a bit of social anxiety going on that
30:21
Speaker 1: you do want to address, which is great. But if
30:23
Speaker 1: there is the chance that you're like, Okay, my workplace
30:27
Speaker 1: determined that I'm an introvert, and so now we're trying
30:30
Speaker 1: to figure out ways that I can be less introverted.
30:31
Speaker 1: Why what's wrong with being an introvert? Many introverts are very,
30:38
Speaker 1: very satisfied in their life being an introvert. They just
30:40
Speaker 1: don't like big group settings. But it doesn't mean that
30:42
Speaker 1: they're disconnected. It doesn't mean that they're shy, it doesn't
30:45
Speaker 1: mean that they lack confidence. Most introverts are actually extremely confident,
30:49
Speaker 1: because sometimes more confident because they're like not interested, don't
30:52
Speaker 1: want to hang out with you, don't want to be
30:53
Speaker 1: like they can really speak for themselves and decide what
30:57
Speaker 1: it is that they want and what they don't want,
30:58
Speaker 1: and they just uncomfortb in big group settings. It's not
31:01
Speaker 1: a flaw in your character if you are a comfortable introvert. Okay.
31:07
Speaker 1: So if that is you, you don't have to change, and
31:10
Speaker 1: your workplace shouldn't make you change, because that's fucking bullshit
31:13
Speaker 1: because they're trying to they're glorifying extraversion when there's many,
31:17
Speaker 1: many roles and situations in life where extraversion is absolutely
31:22
Speaker 1: not needed. Okay, So that's that, just I just wanted
31:26
Speaker 1: to address that. The second thing is if you are like, Okay,
31:30
Speaker 1: how do I actually do this because I'm interested? Great,
31:32
Speaker 1: let's talk about that. So if you're like, Okay, I
31:34
Speaker 1: find myself, you know, not only getting drained in social settings,
31:38
Speaker 1: but I find myself kind of getting a bit lost
31:41
Speaker 1: or not really being able to deal in a social
31:43
Speaker 1: setting where there's many people, where it's you know, like
31:45
Speaker 1: a gathering or whatever. How do I approach this? You
31:49
Speaker 1: mentioned rejection therapy and it is so good. There's a
31:53
Speaker 1: page that I follow on Instagram and I shared it
31:56
Speaker 1: on my Stories just the other day. I can't remember
31:58
Speaker 1: the name of it, but it's this guy he's a
32:01
Speaker 1: kiwi and he goes around and it's like day one
32:05
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty five of trying to get rejected. So
32:09
Speaker 1: he's fully doing this rejection therapy, and what it's made
32:13
Speaker 1: him realize is that probably out of all these days,
32:15
Speaker 1: he's probably only been rejected maybe ten of the one
32:18
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty five days that he's done so far,
32:21
Speaker 1: you know. And little things like he'll watch someone like
32:24
Speaker 1: learning how to skim a pebble on a lake, so
32:27
Speaker 1: he just goes up to this person. He's like, hey,
32:29
Speaker 1: I've never done that before. Do you mind teaching me
32:32
Speaker 1: how to do that? Straight away? The person's like, yeah, absolutely,
32:35
Speaker 1: So you got to find a flat rock and you've
32:37
Speaker 1: got it, and instantly they're talking. He approaches someone who's like, hey,
32:40
Speaker 1: I've never fished before, could you teach me how to fish?
32:42
Speaker 1: This person's eyes light up and like really goes in
32:45
Speaker 1: depth on how to teach this person how to fish.
32:47
Speaker 1: He goes up to someone at like a backpackers or
32:51
Speaker 1: something and be like, do you want to play like
32:53
Speaker 1: bingo with me? And they're like okay. So it's like
32:57
Speaker 1: you can make this whatever you want when we talk
33:01
Speaker 1: about rejection therapy. Rejection therapy you can scale it how
33:04
Speaker 1: you want. You can not really ask for like really
33:06
Speaker 1: intense things, or you could go for a lot more
33:10
Speaker 1: like low key things like going up to someone and saying,
33:13
Speaker 1: I was just wondering what perfume you're wearing because it
33:15
Speaker 1: smells really beautiful and like you just you know, you
33:20
Speaker 1: walked past and I thought, wow, that person's not so beautiful,
33:22
Speaker 1: and they can turn around and ignore you, or they
33:24
Speaker 1: could say, yeah, I'm wearing whatever. You know, you could
33:28
Speaker 1: The best ways to do rejection therapy is to ask
33:30
Speaker 1: someone to do something for you, not just a question.
33:34
Speaker 1: The question is entry level good because it gets you
33:37
Speaker 1: entering that comfortability of just approaching a stranger and just
33:41
Speaker 1: having a very basic interaction with them. Once you're able
33:44
Speaker 1: to ask a basic question to someone just off the street,
33:49
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about someone that you already have to
33:50
Speaker 1: interact with because like you know, it could be your barista,
33:53
Speaker 1: but you're paying them, Like obviously you have to have
33:55
Speaker 1: this interaction. So making it a little bit harder is
33:58
Speaker 1: approaching an absolute stranger and asking a basic, basic question
34:03
Speaker 1: or just even giving them a compliment. The next level
34:06
Speaker 1: up is asking someone to do something for you, whether
34:08
Speaker 1: it is do you want to interact with me? Do
34:10
Speaker 1: you want is it possible for you to teach me
34:11
Speaker 1: this thing? Could I ask you to, you know, mind
34:14
Speaker 1: this for me just for five minutes? Could I like
34:17
Speaker 1: asking them certain things? Could you help me lift this
34:20
Speaker 1: over here? Please? You know, little things like that. So
34:23
Speaker 1: would I recommend doing rejection therapy one hundred percent. It
34:26
Speaker 1: is such a great thing because the point of rejection
34:29
Speaker 1: therapy it's twofold number one. It teaches you that there's
34:32
Speaker 1: actually way less people that are going to reject you
34:35
Speaker 1: than you think. So it actually paints a much better
34:38
Speaker 1: picture of like society as a whole, and it makes
34:41
Speaker 1: you feel a lot more comfortable interact with people. And
34:43
Speaker 1: then it also teaches you that the times that you
34:45
Speaker 1: are rejected, it's almost never personal. Someone either is just
34:51
Speaker 1: in their own world, you know, they're in their own zone,
34:54
Speaker 1: or they themselves are really timid and they don't want
34:56
Speaker 1: to interact. No, thank you and whatever, you know, But
34:58
Speaker 1: it's rarely a horrible event. Rarely, if ever, is rejecting
35:02
Speaker 1: a horrible event by a total stranger. So even the
35:05
Speaker 1: times you get rejected, you learn that it's not the
35:08
Speaker 1: end of the world. You actually are find The most
35:10
Speaker 1: that occurs is that you might initially walk away being like, oh, shame, embarrassment,
35:15
Speaker 1: I'm my god, oh my god. But then you got
35:16
Speaker 1: to it very quickly because that interaction was actually relatively
35:20
Speaker 1: peaceful and it was fine. So rejection therapy teaches you
35:23
Speaker 1: a lot, So I would one hundred percent do that.
35:26
Speaker 1: And if it's something a project that you have to
35:28
Speaker 1: report back to with your workplace, you can say that.
35:33
Speaker 1: You could say as far as being an introvert, and
35:36
Speaker 1: this might not be the case, so fucking only say
35:38
Speaker 1: this if you align with it. But you could say
35:40
Speaker 1: as far as being an introvert, I actually don't mind
35:43
Speaker 1: being an introvert. However, I noticed that I do have
35:45
Speaker 1: a little bit of social anxiety, and that is something
35:47
Speaker 1: that I would like to work on. Just dealing with,
35:49
Speaker 1: you know, people that I don't often deal with. It
35:51
Speaker 1: gives me more confidence when I'm speaking to an absolute stranger.
35:54
Speaker 1: So what I want to start doing is rejection therapy,
35:59
Speaker 1: and maybe every single day or three times a week,
36:01
Speaker 1: I'm going to approach an absolute stranger and ask them
36:04
Speaker 1: to either teach me something, to help me with something,
36:07
Speaker 1: you know, or to you know, even just compliment them. Okay,
36:10
Speaker 1: so that's what I would recommend. But yeah, please don't
36:15
Speaker 1: think that there's anything wrong with being an introvert at all.
36:18
Speaker 1: Don't let your workplace tell you that either, because an
36:21
Speaker 1: introvert can also get up on a stage and talk
36:24
Speaker 1: to one hundred thousand people if they want to. An
36:26
Speaker 1: introvert just means that you are drained in social settings,
36:30
Speaker 1: and your battery is a charged in solitude or in
36:34
Speaker 1: smaller settings or more intimate groups, whereas an extrovert gets
36:37
Speaker 1: their battery is charged when they you know, and they
36:39
Speaker 1: feel great and you know, whereas an introvert's like, give
36:42
Speaker 1: me the fuck out of here. I'm done, Like I'm done,
36:44
Speaker 1: I'm done. I need to get the fuck out of here.
36:46
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean that they're not confident, that they're
36:48
Speaker 1: not happy with the themselves, none of that. Okay, guys,
36:52
Speaker 1: thanks so much for tuning in to the Head Noise
36:55
Speaker 1: episode of today. That was fun. Loved your questions. As
36:58
Speaker 1: always remember becond to yourself, becon to your brain. Don't
37:02
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
37:05
Speaker 1: Don't ca