Latest / Andy Stanley Sermons / Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 4 What Love Requires of Parenting

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Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 4 What Love Requires of Parenting · Andy Stanley Sermons

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: One of the inevitable challenges of parenting is that we
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: love our stuff right and we love our kids, and
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: from time to time there is conflict between our love
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: for our stuff and our love for our kids. Or
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: maybe that's just me, I don't know. When our kids
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: were seven, five and three, all twenty months apart, I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: bought a used high Mileage Infinity and it was the
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  Speaker 1: nicest car I'd ever owned. It was super dark green,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: In fact, it looked black at night. It was in
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: pretty much meant condition, and I intended to keep it
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  Speaker 1: that way, which was probably my first mistake, and unfortunately
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  Speaker 1: I was alone in that pursuit. So one Saturday morning,
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  Speaker 1: I'm taking out the trash in the garage and I
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  Speaker 1: noticed there was something on the hood of my immaculate Infinity.
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  Speaker 1: I walked over for a closer look, and, to my
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  Speaker 1: utter dismay, discovered that someone had scratched a large capital
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  Speaker 1: letter A into the hood of my car, and beside
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  Speaker 1: the A were attempts at several other lower case letters. So,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: needless to say, I was not happy, and within minutes
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  Speaker 1: my two sons were standing on each side of me
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  Speaker 1: as I demanded to know who scratched up my car?
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  Speaker 1: Who messed up my stuff? Silence? And then Garrett, our
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  Speaker 1: five year old, piped up. He said this, He said, Daddy,
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  Speaker 1: Ali did it. Ali did it with a walk, which rock.
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  Speaker 1: Ali did it with the rock Alli who was a
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  Speaker 1: whopping three years old. So I called Ali out to
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  Speaker 1: the garage. I pointed to my hood and I said, Ali,
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  Speaker 1: did you do this? And she smiles at me and
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  Speaker 1: she says, yes, sir, Daddy, I practiced my letters, her letters,
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  Speaker 1: and yes she had. She had been practicing her letters
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  Speaker 1: on the hood of my car with a walk. So
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  Speaker 1: what do you do, right? I mean, last time I,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: last time we were together, I told you that we
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  Speaker 1: disciplined our children for the three d's dishonesty, disobedience, disrespect.
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  Speaker 1: I never told my kids specifically, don't practice your letters
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  Speaker 1: on the hood of daddy's car with a walk, So
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't really disobedience. She admitted it with a smile,
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  Speaker 1: so she wasn't being dishonest, and she certainly didn't mean
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  Speaker 1: any disrespect. So and then you know, there's no way
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  Speaker 1: for me to explain to a three year old the
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  Speaker 1: significance of what she done and what it was gonna
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  Speaker 1: cost me. In terms of dollars and time and hassle.
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  Speaker 1: You know, Daddy's gonna have to take the car to
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  Speaker 1: the shop. What's the shop? You know, I'm gonna have
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  Speaker 1: to rent a car. You know what's rent a car?
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  Speaker 1: Then I'm gonna have to pay for the repair. She
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  Speaker 1: has no context for any event, and of course it
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  Speaker 1: would have been absurd for me to require her to
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  Speaker 1: pay for the damage. So what do you do in
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  Speaker 1: a situation like that? And did the only thing I
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  Speaker 1: could do. I said, Ali, Actually I knelt down and
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  Speaker 1: kind of got eye to eye, said Ali, please don't
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  Speaker 1: do that anymore. She said, yes, sir daddy. Then she
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  Speaker 1: hugged me, went back inside, and she never practiced her
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  Speaker 1: letters with a walk on the hood of my car again. Hey, today,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: we're wrapping up our series Parenting in the Empty first Century,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Parenting in the twenty first century. If you're a parent,
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  Speaker 1: if you're about to be a parent, if you hope
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: to be a parent, maybe you're helping another parent parent,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: or maybe you're watching your own kid's parent. This series
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: is for you. It's actually for really anybody who feels
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: the weight and responsibility of equipping an infant, a child,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: a teenager or even a high school student for life. Now,
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  Speaker 1: if you're joining us for the first time or you
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: missed any of the previous episodes in this series, this
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: entire series is actually available on the site or app
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: you are currently using now. As I pointed out in
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: the first episode of this series, when it comes to
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  Speaker 1: good examples of family and parenting, the Bible is not
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  Speaker 1: all that helpful. In fact, the Bible is not even
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  Speaker 1: all that encouraging by modern standards. It's pretty much an
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  Speaker 1: encyclopedia of family dysfunction. But and this is the good news.
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  Speaker 1: Jesus and the authors of the New Testament provide us
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  Speaker 1: with basically a north star to guide and inform our parenting.
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  Speaker 1: And while Jesus never talked about parenting directly, he laid
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: the foundation for New Testament parenting when he laid the
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  Speaker 1: foundation for New Testament behavior, and he laid the foundation
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  Speaker 1: for New Testament behavior when he issued his new Covenant command.
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  Speaker 1: He called it his new command. He said, a new
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  Speaker 1: command I give you, And specifically, the new command was
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  Speaker 1: for us to love others the way that he, Jesus
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  Speaker 1: loved us and the way forward I believe, and this
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  Speaker 1: is what we've been talking about the way forward for
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  Speaker 1: us as parents is actually embedded in this one big,
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  Speaker 1: all encompassing command. And I say embedded because the implications
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  Speaker 1: for parenting aren't all that apparent on the surface. But again,
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  Speaker 1: Jesus wasn't talking specifically to parents. Fortunately, as we've said,
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  Speaker 1: the apostle Paul came along and he gave us some handles,
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  Speaker 1: some love handles. Essentially, here's what he said. He said,
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  Speaker 1: this is what the Jesus brand of love looks like.
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  Speaker 1: Here's how the Jesus brand of love behaves, Here's how
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  Speaker 1: it behaves under pressure, Here's how it behaves at home.
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  Speaker 1: And while Paul scatters his application throughout his New Testament Letters,
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  Speaker 1: his most famous explanation, I think his most famous explanation
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  Speaker 1: of what the Jesus brand of love looks like and
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  Speaker 1: behaves like is also his most instructive for us parents,
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  Speaker 1: and it's found in the thirteenth chapter of his first
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  Speaker 1: letter to Christians living and Ancient corinth We call it
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  Speaker 1: First Corinthians. Now, in Part two of this series, we
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  Speaker 1: began our journey through Paul's application list. But you'll remember
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  Speaker 1: we only got three words in that first time. We
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  Speaker 1: got to this love is patient, and we got kind
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: of stuck there because parenting often falls apart there. Then,
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  Speaker 1: last time we were together, we made it through three
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  Speaker 1: more of his applications. Love is kind, and we said
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  Speaker 1: that kindness is loaning someone your strength rather than reminding
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  Speaker 1: them of their weakness. It's loaning your children your strength
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  Speaker 1: rather than constantly reminding them of their weakness. And then
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  Speaker 1: he says this love does not envy, it does not boast,
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  Speaker 1: and it is not proud. And then, if you'll remember,
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  Speaker 1: we spent a good bit of time on this next one.
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  Speaker 1: Love does not dishonor others. And we said that honor
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  Speaker 1: and mutual respect are actually at the heart of every
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  Speaker 1: mutually satisfying relationship in the home and outside the home.
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  Speaker 1: So honor, we said, is a better goal for parenting
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  Speaker 1: than obedience. Obedience basically answers the question how low can
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  Speaker 1: I go? Honor points us in an entirely different direction. So,
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  Speaker 1: picking up where we left off last time, the apostle
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  Speaker 1: Paul follows the honor discussion with a similar idea. He
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  Speaker 1: writes this, so here we go. He writes, love is
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  Speaker 1: not self seeking. It is not easily angered. Love is
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  Speaker 1: not self seeking. It is not easily angered. Love isn't selfish.
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  Speaker 1: Love puts the interest in the needs of other people first,
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  Speaker 1: which would pretty much solve all relationship problems, I think.
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  Speaker 1: And then the most significant thing about these two phrases
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  Speaker 1: is the apostle Paul connects two important dots for us
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  Speaker 1: by addressing what is perhaps the most common expression of
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  Speaker 1: self seeking within the context of relationships and certainly within
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  Speaker 1: the context of parenting. Love is not easily angered. Love
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  Speaker 1: is not easily angered. Now this is so interesting. The
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  Speaker 1: Greek term translated angered here is actually a cooking term,
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  Speaker 1: and other literature it's translated as stir or stirred up.
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  Speaker 1: So here's what he's saying, that love is not easily
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  Speaker 1: stirred up. Do your kids ever get you stirred up?
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  Speaker 1: Of course they do. This is such a great term
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  Speaker 1: because when you're cooking and you're stirring a pot, what happens. Now.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be honest, I don't cook, but I do stir
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  Speaker 1: the natural peanut butter that Sandra bys, which I love.
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  Speaker 1: But you have to work for it, right, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: the peanuts have all settled to the bottom of the jar.
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  Speaker 1: The peanut butter is on top of the peanuts, and
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  Speaker 1: then there's about an inch of oil on top of
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  Speaker 1: all of that. So when you open it up, you
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  Speaker 1: have to stir it all together for what feels like
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  Speaker 1: about thirty minutes. Right, But I know I'm finished when
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  Speaker 1: the peanuts that started at the bottom of the jar
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  Speaker 1: are finally showing up on the top. Anybody else hungry anyway?
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  Speaker 1: The point is simply this, when we stir a pot,
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  Speaker 1: or when we stir the natural peanut butter, we aren't
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  Speaker 1: creating or adding anything new to the mix. What are
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  Speaker 1: we doing. We're just surfacing what was already there to
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  Speaker 1: begin with. And I know you don't want to hear this,
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  Speaker 1: but speaking from personal experience, our children, our kids don't
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  Speaker 1: actually make us angry. Our kids simply stir up or
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  Speaker 1: bring to the surface what's already in us, and they
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  Speaker 1: do it better than anybody else. In fact, it's in
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  Speaker 1: those moments that we finally understand our own parents. Right.
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  Speaker 1: And what is it that's already in us that they're
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  Speaker 1: so good at bringing to the surface. Well, Paul already
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  Speaker 1: told us. It is our self seekingness. It is our
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  Speaker 1: self ishness, our desire to have our own way, our
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  Speaker 1: desire for them to obey and then to go outside
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  Speaker 1: and play. Now, the truth is, no one has ever
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  Speaker 1: made any of us angry. They just stirred us up. Now,
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  Speaker 1: having your emotions stirred is inevitable, and chances are you know,
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  Speaker 1: in each stage of parenting you're going to have to
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  Speaker 1: figure out the new best way to regain perspective and
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  Speaker 1: recharge your emotional batteries. Parenting is emotional. It's emotional for
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  Speaker 1: two reasons. It's emotional because we care, and it's emotional
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  Speaker 1: because we're selfish. And while I'm on this, it's important
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  Speaker 1: for you to talk to your kids about the emotional
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  Speaker 1: side of life, right, don't hide it, don't pretend being
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  Speaker 1: emotional isn't weakness, it's humanness. As one child's psychologist put it,
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  Speaker 1: I love this quote. He writes, it is scarier. This
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  Speaker 1: is so important. It is scarier for a child to
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  Speaker 1: have a parent who is struggling and doesn't talk about it,
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  Speaker 1: a parent who's going through something that's emotional and doesn't
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  Speaker 1: discuss it with the child, versus a parent who is
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  Speaker 1: struggling and does talk about it. So age appropriate conversations
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  Speaker 1: about the emotional side of life. It's so healthy for
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  Speaker 1: our children. It's really healthy for everybody, and our kids learn.
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  Speaker 1: Our kids learn that it's okay to feel and it's
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  Speaker 1: okay to express those feelings. After all, like us, somebody
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  Speaker 1: is going to come along and stir their pot, probably you,
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  Speaker 1: And when that happens, they need to understand what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: and they need to understand what to do. And if
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  Speaker 1: you haven't figured it out, it's going to be difficult
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  Speaker 1: to help them figure it out. So this is such
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  Speaker 1: a big deal. I want to press into this just
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  Speaker 1: a bit more, and I want to invite another author
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  Speaker 1: into the discussion. So before we continue with what the
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  Speaker 1: Apostle Paul had to say, I need to remind you
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  Speaker 1: of something James, the brother of Jesus, had to say.
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  Speaker 1: And I say remind because we've discussed this passage on
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  Speaker 1: many occasions, but it is worth repeating because, honestly, I
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  Speaker 1: think it's one of the most important practical relational insights
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  Speaker 1: you'll ever hear. It explains why we are so easily
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  Speaker 1: stirred up by the people we love the most, and
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  Speaker 1: maybe most importantly for our discussion, it provides us, I think,
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  Speaker 1: with a handle for helping our kids understand why they
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  Speaker 1: get stirred up as well. And the way that James
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  Speaker 1: approaches this he asks a question and then he answers
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  Speaker 1: it for us. And here's the question. He says, what
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  Speaker 1: what causes fights and quarrels among you? In other words,
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  Speaker 1: what is the source of all the conflict you're having
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  Speaker 1: in your home or wherever you're having conflict? And of course,
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  Speaker 1: when you read or hear a question like this, you
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  Speaker 1: know we're all immediately tempted to point to someone, someone
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  Speaker 1: else's behavior, somebody else's words, or maybe the tone of
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  Speaker 1: their words. And James and the Apostle Paul say, no,
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  Speaker 1: that behavior, those words, even the tone, simply stirred up
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  Speaker 1: what is already in you. And then James answers the question.
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  Speaker 1: He says, isn't it true? Isn't it it's true that
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  Speaker 1: these fights, in these quarrels, come from your desires, that
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  Speaker 1: battle within you? He continues, He says, you want something
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  Speaker 1: you desire, but you can't get it, You don't have it.
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  Speaker 1: You covet it, but you cannot get what you want.
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  Speaker 1: So what do you do? You quarrel and you fight.
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  Speaker 1: This is so powerful, the source of our anger, the
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  Speaker 1: source of our arguments, the source of our conflict, the
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  Speaker 1: source of our quarrels, is we're not getting something that
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  Speaker 1: we want. Now, parents, I'm not pointing my finger, I'm
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  Speaker 1: speaking from personal experience. This is so true, but it
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  Speaker 1: is so difficult to see, especially when it involves our children.
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  Speaker 1: I know from my own experience. When I would step
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  Speaker 1: back long enough from tension in our home to remind
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  Speaker 1: myself of this simple but very powerful principle, I was,
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  Speaker 1: and actually I continue to be a much better parent,
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  Speaker 1: and my internal conversation would go something like this, Andy,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: be honest. Part of the problem is, Andy, you're not
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  Speaker 1: getting what you want. You want them to do their best,
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  Speaker 1: and they're not doing their best. You want them to
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  Speaker 1: pay attention, and they're not paying attention. You want them
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  Speaker 1: to quit picking on each other, and they keep picking
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  Speaker 1: on each other. Andy. Part of the reason, come on,
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  Speaker 1: part of the reason you're so stirred up, the reason
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  Speaker 1: you're about to say things you'll have to apologize for later,
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  Speaker 1: is you're not getting what you want. So admit it.
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  Speaker 1: Own it. And you know what when I did. When
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  Speaker 1: I do, when I own my slice of the conflict, pie,
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  Speaker 1: the temperature comes down. James was right, fights and quarrels
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  Speaker 1: irrupt when somebody isn't getting what they want, when somebody
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  Speaker 1: isn't getting what they deserve, when somebody isn't getting what
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  Speaker 1: they need. So parents, husbands, wives own your slice of
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  Speaker 1: the conflict pie, and that's your slice. It's why I
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  Speaker 1: have suggested to you before that you should get in
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  Speaker 1: the habit when it's appropriate of stopping a mid conversation
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  Speaker 1: or mid argument and saying this, Hey, do you know
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  Speaker 1: what part of the problem is. Do you know what
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  Speaker 1: part of the problem is? Right here? Part of the
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  Speaker 1: problem is, I'm not getting what I want. Hey, let's
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: just stop this for a minute. Do you know what
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  Speaker 1: you know what part of the problem is I'm not
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  Speaker 1: getting what I want? Honestly, I'm not sure there is
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  Speaker 1: a more valuable relationship principle to teach and model for
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  Speaker 1: our kids than this one. I can't think of anything
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  Speaker 1: more important for them to understand, and there's probably nothing
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  Speaker 1: more important for us to model to help them understand
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  Speaker 1: the reason behind every single conflict they're going to encounter,
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  Speaker 1: Because behind every single conflict they're going to encounter is
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  Speaker 1: a someone or perhaps two someone's who aren't getting their way.
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  Speaker 1: Love is not self seeking love is not about me
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  Speaker 1: getting my way. Consequently, love is not easily angered. Love
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  Speaker 1: actually recognizes what's really going on. And there's another reason
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  Speaker 1: we have to get this right. And our roles as parents,
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  Speaker 1: our words. We talked about this last time. Our words
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  Speaker 1: weigh so much. And when we allow our emotions to
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  Speaker 1: take over. Isn't this true? When we allow our emotions
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  Speaker 1: to take over our mouths? What do we do we
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  Speaker 1: actually talk to and react to our children is if
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  Speaker 1: they have the context and the capacity of an adult,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: and they have neither. Worse, we wouldn't dream of talking
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  Speaker 1: to another adult the way we talk to our kids sometimes, right,
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  Speaker 1: adults who actually have the capacity to chalk it up
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  Speaker 1: to us just having a bad day, adult friends who
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  Speaker 1: would just look at us and say, what's wrong with you?
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  Speaker 1: But our kids they process our anger as what's wrong
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  Speaker 1: with me? So are you easily stirred up? And are
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  Speaker 1: you willing to admit that the peanuts at the bottom
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: of the jar and the vegetables at the bottom of
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  Speaker 1: the pot were already there? And would you be willing
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  Speaker 1: to pause and acknowledge that your slice of the conflict
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  Speaker 1: pie is that you aren't getting something you want and yes,
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  Speaker 1: I admit it. What you want from and for your
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  Speaker 1: kids is probably good for them. But the frustration, the emotion,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: the anger stems from something you're not getting. You aren't
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  Speaker 1: getting what you want, so own it. That's good parenting.
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  Speaker 1: And when you apologize to your kids. And so you know,
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  Speaker 1: I apologized so much to my kids that I got
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  Speaker 1: good at apologizing. And for a while I didn't connect
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: these dots. But one day I actually said to Sandra,
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  Speaker 1: I said, have you noticed how good our kids are
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  Speaker 1: at apologizing? Thinking of course it had something to do
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  Speaker 1: with my sweet parenting skills. And she smiled and she said, well, Andy,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: that's because you do it so often. True story. Anyway,
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  Speaker 1: when you apologize to your children, use that moment, Use
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  Speaker 1: that moment to own the fact that you lost your temper,
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  Speaker 1: or you said things you shouldn't have said because you
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  Speaker 1: you weren't getting your way. Love is not self seeking.
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  Speaker 1: Love is not easily angered. Or to put it another way,
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  Speaker 1: win love. When love is not self seeking, it will
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  Speaker 1: not be easily angered. But of course, the apostle Paul,
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  Speaker 1: it's still not through. Next up, he says this, He
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  Speaker 1: says love, this is so hard for us as parents.
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  Speaker 1: Love keeps no record of wrongs. Now, this is so
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  Speaker 1: difficult and parenting because the days are long and so
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: are our memories. Right, But remember, there is no win
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: in reminding our kids of their past failures. They already know. Besides,
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: it's a bit of a power play. Think about it.
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  Speaker 1: When somebody holds your past over you, who's in the
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  Speaker 1: elevated position they are, But as a parent, you're already
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: in the elevated position. There is no need to open
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  Speaker 1: the file cabinet. And of course that's true in marriage
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: as well. Forgiving. Think about it, forgiving and pretending to forget.
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  Speaker 1: Forgiving and pretending to forget is always your best bad
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: not to mention, it appears that that's exactly what God
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  Speaker 1: does for you and for me. Paul continues. He says
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  Speaker 1: this love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: the truth. In other words, love loves to catch and
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: celebrate people doing the right thing. And love does not
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: delight in or feel a sense of victory catching people
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: doing the wrong thing. And again, I've had so many
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: of those moments, so many of those moments of I've
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: got them this time, and that's normal, But it's not love.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: That's just me trying to prove that I'm right to
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: my children. When love catches a child doing something wrong, Love,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: as we said last time, always sides with the offender.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Love says, oh no, oh no, I hate that for you.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: Love doesn't open the filing cabinet. Love isn't constantly reminding anyone,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: especially our children, of their failures in the past. And
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: then there's this one. Paul continues, and he writes this.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: He says, love always protects. Love always protects. In other words,
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: love always defends, Love stands guard. Love keeps bad things out.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: And knowing how to protect our children is really hard,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: especially as they get older. Between social media and friends,
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: it is hard to know how to protect our children
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: without being overly protective. And I'll just tell you upfront,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: you're not going to get this exactly right. So here's
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: what I would suggest. Since you won't be perfect to this,
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's possible to get this exactly right.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Air on the side of too much protection rather than
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: too little. Relax your grips slowly because it is easy.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: It's always easier to grant more freedom than to take
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: freedom away once it's been given. Just trust your gut
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: as a parent and know who their friends are. And
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: one more thing on this freedom. When it comes to
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: giving our kids freedom, freedom should have very little to
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: do with age, and it should have a lot to
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: do with their maturity and their ability to handle responsibility.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: And this is something your kids will never understand, just
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: like we never understood it. Everybody think about it. Everybody
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: gets a learner's permit at fifteen in our state. Right,
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: whether they're ready for one or not. Right, No, that's
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: up to you. So mom and dad stand your ground.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: It's okay for your kids to hate you temporarily. That
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: does not mean you're a bad parent. It probably means.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: It probably means that you love your son and you
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: love your daughter more than you love the approval of
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: your son or your daughter. This is so important parents.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Parents who seek the approval of their children over and
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: above what's best for their children, they end up with
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: neither approval nor what's best. It's in those those fierce
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: tests of wills that you discover what and who you
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: value most. There is a fist size hole through the
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: dry wall of a bedroom closet and our house, and
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: it wasn't my fist, and I never had it repaired.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: For me, it is actually a visual of what love
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: looks like. Sometimes sometimes love looks like the enemy and
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: mom dad, that is okay because love always, always, always protects,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: and sometimes love protects fiercely. So wrapping up this discussion,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: wrapping up the series, remember this, there are no perfect parents,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: there are no perfect kids, and there are no perfect families.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: And honestly, you don't even want perfect kids, right A
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: perfect child would probably not enjoy spending much time with
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: their imperfect parents, not to mention their imperfect brother or sister.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: In fact, sometimes when we're talking to parents, I asked
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: this question. I say, Hey, if you had to choose,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: and you had the opportunity to choose between perfectly obedient
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: children who never caused you a moment's trouble, but who
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: did not enjoy being with you, or a typical child
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: or typical children who got into typical trouble and kept
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: you up at night for a season, but who in
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: the end enjoyed being with you, Which would you choose?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: And in the end, maybe not in this particular season,
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: but in the end, you would choose a healthy relationship
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: over perfect behavior. And here's something interesting, So did your
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: heavenly Father. The fact that God gave us the gift
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: of free will and announce forgiveness ahead of time says
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: a lot about what's most important to our heavenly father,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: samely relationship. He made us relational being. So if I
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: had to boil everything in this series down to one thing,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: it would be this parent toward If you're going to
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: create a north star for your parenting, parent toward a
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: healthy adult relationship with your children, sets your sights on
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: parenting toward a healthy adult relationship with your children. Now,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: this concept or this goal came into sharp focus for
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: me personally when Andrew, our oldest, was still an infant.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: We were driving to meet Sandra's family for vacation, and
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: as we were driving, we decided to set some family goals,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: and we eventually did that, But as we began the conversation,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: something in that conversation crystallized for me what I ultimately
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: wanted for our family. And I say me, because what
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I wanted for our family was something that Sandra actually
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: grew up with. And honestly, she would tell you she
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: thought it was normal, but it wasn't my normal. It
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: wasn't my family normal, her normal, her family with her
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: brother and her sister. They always loved being together, They
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: always look forward to being together, and the older they got,
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: the more they enjoyed being together. And I didn't experience
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: that after about eighth grade. So as we were driving,
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: I told her, I said, I want our family to
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: look like your family. So we established and I think
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: this was really for me. We established as our north star,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: our objective to raise our kids in such a way
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: that they would enjoy being with us and with each
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: other when they no longer had to be. We wanted
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: them to enjoy and look forward to being with us
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: and with each other once they were old enough to
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: decide for themselves. And that became again our north star,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: the sort of the organizing principle for our home, the
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: framework for our parenting decisions. It created guardrails for our time,
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: our scheduling. It determined how we disciplined, and it's a
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: big reason why honor and honor mom in particularly became
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: a priority in our home. Edience Again, obedience is not
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: at the heart of a mutually satisfying relationship. Honor is.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: And don't get me wrong, I like obedience. We wanted
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: our kids to behave but we wanted something more than
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: perfectly behaved children. Specifically, I wanted to maintain influence, not control,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: but influence throughout my kids' lives. And as we've talked about,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: once your kids leave home, the health of your relationship
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: with your kids will determine the degree to which you
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: have influence. Now, our kids are all in their twenties,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: and we enjoy being together, we enjoy their spouses. We
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: did not parent perfectly. There were so many apologies along
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: the way, But again that's the point. What is an apology.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: An apology is a relationship builder. It's a relationship restorer. Pride,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: self cinderedness, Dad's always right, I'm your father, reputation, protection,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: all those things, they just undermined the integrity of the relationship.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: And I can assure you, I assure you, the potential
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: for all of those things reside at the bottom of
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: my jar, the bottom of my pot And from time
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: to time they would get stirred up, and from time
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: to time I would have to apologize. Choosing to parent
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: with our future relationships in mind. I think, more than anything,
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: helped me avoid a trap I've seen so many young
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: parents fall into. They settle for what our friend Adam
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: Johnson refers to as not goals. Do you know what
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: a knot goal is? You? You may have some knock
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: goals you don't even know you've set not goals, But
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: a knot goal sounds like this, I'm not gonna have
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: the same kind of relationship with my daughter that I
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: had with my mom. I'm not going to be like
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: my dad. I'm not going to parent like my parents.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: Ever said that, Ever thought that? Those are not goals?
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: But here's the problem with an goal. A knot goal
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: is just not enough. They're not inspiring, they're not even
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: really relational. Not goals are a reaction, and you know
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: what they do. They cause parents to overcorrect. The pendulum
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: swings way too far in the other direction. So don't
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: settle for not goals, and don't settle for obedience. Aim
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: for future influence, and aim for a future healthy relationship.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: And remember, just as your parents' behavior not their parenting skills.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Just as your parents' behavior determined whether or not you
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: want to be like them or whether or not you
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: even like them, your behavior, mom and dad, your behavior
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: will determine if your kids like or want to be
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: like you. This is why, this is why anchoring our
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: parenting to Jesus all encompassing command to love as God
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: through Christ has loved us. This is why that's so important.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: It's why what the apostle Paul left us with and
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: one Corinthians thirteen is so important because it instructs and
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: it informs our behavior. So endeavor to love your children
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: the way you're heavenly fathered through Christ loves you. Be patient,
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: their pace, not yours. Be kind, Loan them your strength.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Don't constantly remind them of their weakness they already know.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Celebrate their successes, minimize their failure. Create a culture of
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: mutual honor, own your slice of the conflict pie, protect, trust, hope,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: and persevere. And last of all, consider this the most
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: significant thing you do. The most significant thing you do
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: may not be something that you do. It may be
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: someone that you raise.