Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Nate Jackson_s Super Funny Comedy Jam Episode 3

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Nate Jackson_s Super Funny Comedy Jam Episode 3 · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: What up, world? It's your boy, Nate Jackson. This is
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: the Super Funny Comedy Jam, and it's going down live
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: in Tacoma, Washington. Let me introduce you to this episode's comics.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Here they go. What up, y'all?
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: My name is Trenton Cotton, and I'm repping Colorado Springs,
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: and yes, black people live there.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: What's up, everybody?
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: It's your girl, Kenesha Bust-a-Bust, right here from Washington, Seattle.
• 0:21
  Speaker 4: In the building.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: What's up, everybody?
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: It's comedian Lamar Jones, and I'm coming from New Orleans, Louisiana.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: Hey!
• 0:31
  Speaker 5: This comedian Tony Robbins coming from Detroit, Michigan, and I'm
• 0:34
  Speaker 5: staring at her titties all night.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: We all are. God damn. Ooh, Lord.
• 0:44
  Speaker 6: Nate Jackson, whoa, whoa. Nate Jackson, super funny, coming to jam, whoa.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: Whoa, whoa.
• 0:51
  Speaker 6: Super funny, coming to jam, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nate Jackson,
• 0:55
  Speaker 6: super funny, coming.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: To jam, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 0:59
  Speaker 7: Yeah, we in this bitch, it's going down. This is
• 1:03
  Speaker 7: a super funny comedy jam. We got all of the
• 1:05
  Speaker 7: funniest people in the.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Oh, there they go. Oh, shit.
• 1:10
  Speaker 8: Zeke Tacoma, we got diversity here. We got a lot
• 1:14
  Speaker 8: of white people, that's cool. We fuck with the white
• 1:16
  Speaker 8: people here. We got a couple blacks, you know what
• 1:18
  Speaker 8: I'm saying? But we got them over there, them chi-hoos,
• 1:20
  Speaker 8: them flip-flop wearing. Look, they will beat your ass.
• 1:24
  Speaker 7: One van, 17 sisters get out that motherfucker. Is it
• 1:29
  Speaker 7: just me or.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: You be like, I wonder how hard they bust. God damn.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: All that screaming. She's like, I'm close. I'm like, get
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a towel. Welcome. Thank you very much, Usos and Usettes.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I appreciate y'all. So we in here, man. How y'all doing?
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Y'all good?
• 2:02
  Speaker 7: I would like to talk to somebody in the front row.
• 2:04
  Speaker 7: There's several white people wearing the same kind of glasses.
• 2:07
  Speaker 7: We might as well get that going right now.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so what is this? The devil in your tattoos?
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Is that? A dragon.
• 2:15
  Speaker 7: Okay, you don't look Asian, but that's a choice.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: What's that up there with the upside down star?
• 2:23
  Speaker 5: Is it?
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: That looks like the Epstein Island. Tighten up. So is
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: this a, is this a, is this, is that bae?
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Is this a couple? Just friends? Why you put your
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: hand out like that? You're like, no, it's my homeboy.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Is this a family though? Really?
• 2:45
  Speaker 7: Do you guys LARP or something? Everybody looks like you
• 2:47
  Speaker 7: get dressed up. You look like them kind of white people.
• 2:50
  Speaker 7: You like put on like an ogre suit and a
• 2:52
  Speaker 7: cardboard sword and just go swing at each other right
• 2:55
  Speaker 7: in the middle of the right.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Park or something. He's like, I do. I make them go.
• 3:00
  Speaker 7: And this is the formation that we actually go in.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: The other two. So you're just friends. You're not his dad. Okay.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: How long you been together?
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: 20 years.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 3:16
  Speaker 7: Did you practice that? No, you guys are like 20
• 3:19
  Speaker 7: years this way. You both said that like a little choir.
• 3:21
  Speaker 7: 20 years is hella long. That's like 10 years in
• 3:24
  Speaker 7: white people love. How did you meet her?
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: High school. Okay, you was a football player? Band nerd. Oh,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: so this is one time at band camp? She's like, no,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: after high school. I put the trumpet down and I
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: blew him.
• 3:44
  Speaker 7: Are y'all ready to start this show?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Let me feel some energy, let me feel some energy,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: let me feel some energy, let me feel some energy.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: The first comedian coming to the stage, this is my man,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Tim Grant. More love, more love.
• 3:58
  Speaker 7: All the way from Colorado Springs, Trenton Conte!
• 4:06
  Speaker 6: Hey, keep it going for Nate Jackson, everybody.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: This is great. This is great.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: You know what's crazy, though? I grew up in Colorado Springs, right?
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: And my whole life, I've been black. Okay, I promise you.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: I moved out here a year ago, okay? I live
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: in SeaTac now, okay? And now, I'm Somalian.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, huh?
• 4:28
  Speaker 6: How?
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: They looking at me like, brother, it's your forehead.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: You one of us. You the captain now. I'm like, ah, damn.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: This whole area don't make sense. I seen a crazy
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: crackhead on my way here. And I knew he was
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: crazy because he was wearing a pair of Dorito bags
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: and shoes. He had the rubber band on the ankles
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: and everything. He wasn't even wearing a matching pair. He
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: had a cool ranch on one foot, the salsa verdes
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: on the other one.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I'm like, ugh. Come on, sir, you scaring all the hoes.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Man, I be feeling sorry for y'all ladies sometimes, because
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I know the number one thing that men do that
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: creep y'all out is just existing, which is crazy.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Just crazy. Like, ladies, about how many.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Times a week y'all think y'all get catcalled and.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Hollered at, huh? What are the numbers, huh? What are we?
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Look at all the ugly girls, they're like, zero.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: Let me ask you this, ladies, does it matter the
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: attractiveness of a guy that determines if he's being.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Creepy or not?
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: If you said no, you lying. You know goddamn well
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: it matters. Like if a dude you consider to be
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: a 10 were to roll up on you off the
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: street and he was just like, hey, pretty lady.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: You got a fat ass booty, girl. You know, most
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: smart women, they can be like, who, me? Oh, yeah.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: But if a dude you consider to be a three
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: does that same thing, you gonna pepper spray him.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: That's sexual assault. It matters.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't it be nice if we all lived in a
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: world where everybody just knew what number you were?
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Like, if you knew you were a three, you wouldn't
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: be running around here scaring all the hoes.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: You'd know better. Problem is, don't nobody know what number
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: they are. They don't know. You know what number you are, sir?
• 6:19
  Speaker 7: Nope.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: That's okay. Look, help is on the way, okay?
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: I'ma teach everybody in here how to figure out what
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: number you are. That's right, everybody going home knowing. Okay,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: as you listening, I want you to think about what
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: number you think you are. Don't say it out loud.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Think about what number you think you are, okay? Everybody
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: got their number? Once you got your number, subtract two
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: and that's what you are. Yeah, embrace that. You were
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: sitting in your seat like, girl, I'm an eight. No,
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: you're not, you a six.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Which is okay. I don't even talk to 10s, 9s, 8s. Nah,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: leave me alone. I don't got the mental health for y'all.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Like, matter of fact, if the night's over, ladies, we
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: hanging out, we at the bar, you like, damn, I
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: think Trenton really likes me. It's probably because you just
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: a 4.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: What?
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: Ain't nothing wrong with no 4s. Shit, 4s are loyal
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: to the soil. Shit, my grandmama was a 4 and
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: she was a hero. Shoot, I don't know how you
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: doing it, fellas. If you dating a 10, oh my God.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: You dating a 10. If you know a dude who's
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: dating a 10, talk to him. And when you do,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: look at him in his eyes. I'm telling you, that
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: motherfucker crazy as hell. Everywhere he go, he think somebody
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: wants to smash his girl. And maybe we do. But
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: that's your fault. You dating a 10. Fellas, if you
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: dating a 10, you could be in your living room
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: one night. Everything is cool. You playing a video game.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Your 10 come in there.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: She's like, babe, me and the girls want to go
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: to the Usher concert tonight. Uh-oh.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just know, you dating a 10 and she goes
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: to that Usher concert, just know them cherries are going
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: right down her throat.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Ain't nothing you can do. Even if you go, Usher
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: don't care. Usher gonna look you right in the eye.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: He gonna be like, watch this.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: You gonna open up social media the next day and
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: there your 10 will be embarrassing you in front of
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: millions just, hold on. You dating a four, you don't
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: gotta worry about your four. At a Usher concert, you
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: get mad when your four asks you to go. Just go,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: have fun, I'm on the game, go. I'm not worried
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: about you. Usher gonna glide right by you in them
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: roller skates.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Usher gonna be like, there goes my baby. Ooh, not
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: you bitch.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: My name is Trenton Cowden, y'all been a lot of fun, please.
• 8:48
  Speaker 7: I'm from Colorado Springs and there are black people there.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: He said, hey pretty lady.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: That's Colorado Springs. I don't know black people sing like that.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Hey pretty lady. That's nigga shit. You gotta hit a run.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: They said, I'm calling 911. My taxes are done. White
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: women are fun. Black people, nigga, run. One more time
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: for Trin Cotton. Show us some love.
• 9:33
  Speaker 8: Next comedian coming to the stage, fucking hysterical.
• 9:36
  Speaker 7: Y'all make some noise for the very funny Kenesha Barnes.
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: I'm going to just jump right into it. Fuck being
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: a parent.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: Yo, it's way bigger of a commitment than I had anticipated.
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: And I just want to let y'all know.
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: It is very hard to lose custody of your child.
• 10:01
  Speaker 4: Because I've been trying for two years and they give
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: mothers way too much grace. This shit is unacceptable. And
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: I don't be doing nothing diabolical. Like, I still fuck
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: with her on the low. You know what I'm saying?
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: I just want to do enough to where the judge
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: give her dad full custody.
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: I be doing stupid stuff.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: Like, I kept picking her up from school late, thinking, like, yeah,
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: they gonna report.
• 10:23
  Speaker 4: This to the judge.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: The teachers didn't rally together and was like, we see
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: that you're a hardworking mother, so we're gonna take turns.
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: I'm like, goddamn, I'm never getting rid of this baby.
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: I start sending her to school dirty. I was like, oh,
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: this definitely getting CPS. They walk me into the school.
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: They take me into the gym. Kids is clapping and shit.
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: I'm like, what's going on? These motherfuckers got a washer
• 10:46
  Speaker 4: and dryer in the middle of the.
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: They got a bow on it. They're like, we know
• 10:51
  Speaker 4: you're a hardworking mother.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: I hate it here. I do, but at least she
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: got a dad. I don't know how you single mothers
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: are doing it. Y'all do not take full advantage of
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: the foster care system like you should. Ain't no way
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: he get to acting up.
• 11:07
  Speaker 4: Go drop that baby off and get you a fresh start.
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: How many kids you got?
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: None.
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: These stretch marks.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: From school lunch.
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: And if it happened, do it again.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: Make sure them kids are together, though, because you know,
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: family's important.
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: You need family.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: And you ain't got to have a baby with every dude.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: You mess with.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: That's what I told my mom, shit. I'm the oldest
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: of 12 kids. Like, man, you... I got a house
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: full of half-siblings. This shit is... Slow down. You ever
• 11:43
  Speaker 4: make a pros and cons list of your kids?
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: You're supposed to do it for the baby cubs, but
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: sometime in the middle of parenting, you gotta go, this
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: shit ain't adding up. It ain't.
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: Because people want unconditional love.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: To be so high on the list to make up
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: for everything.
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: Your kids are unconditional love.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: If unconditional love, every time I'm trying to piss at
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: somebody doing this, you can put some.
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: Conditions on my shit. That's unconditional love.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: I unconditionally loved myself when I took that plan B.
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying? I already had unconditional love.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: It's the fact, but this is the thing, if she
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: really unconditional loved me, she would've let that pill dissolve.
• 12:19
  Speaker 6: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: She don't love mommy like she supposed to. Can't stand
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: these kids. All they do is snitch and embarrass you.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: Ain't no way in the world Santa Claus needed to
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: know my mommy don't wear no panties, cause.
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: Her butt gotta breathe. Goddamn reindeer giggling and shit. Santa
• 12:41
  Speaker 4: Claus talking about some ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Like,
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: let me get off this man lap. Just unsolicited shit.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: She drew a picture of me talking about, I drew
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: a picture of you with no stomach, bitch.
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: Embarrassed me at the store the other day. She gonna
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: yell out, what's a homosexual?
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I froze.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: It's like somebody that stays at home in sections. She
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: was like, what's that mean?
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: I'm like, it's somebody that be at the house, they
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: just be in sections, you know what I'm saying? So
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: now she think the word is homosexual, which is cool,
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: except for her daddy work from home, and she done
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: told the whole school her daddy a homosexual.
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: These kids is crazy.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: And they always gonna repeat you, but they gonna say
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: what you said, but not how you said it.
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: Oh, my daughter almost got me arrested. I'm telling you.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: So she's scared of flies. We had hella flies in
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: the house. So now I'm trying to be a good parent.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: I'm talking to the flies to make her comfortable. Told
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: her the flies is mommy's friends. I'm in there pop-locking like, yeah.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: I go to the school, I'm in handcuffs. She then
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: told the teacher, I'm scared to go to sleep at
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: night because my mommy's friends be on me.
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: Now I'm in the principal's office. Shoo, fly. Don't bother me.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Shoo, fly. Shoo, fly.
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: No, the fly, help me. This shit is ridiculous.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: Can somebody tell the judge at least so.
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: She can go with her father?
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: And then she then told her dad about my dating site.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: He mad, he found my profile. Because it say single
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: with no kids.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: Lie to these men.
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: You don't find out they got kids until you've been
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: with them eight years.
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: I'm like, where the fuck these kids come from?
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: And he gon' say to me, if you gon' do
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: all that, we might as well get back together.
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: And y'all, I would. But I had to tell him
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: the truth from the bottom of my heart. I said, baby,
• 14:40
  Speaker 4: I would. I don't date men with kids. Thank y'all
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: for having me. Have a good night.
• 14:50
  Speaker 7: One more time for Kanisha Poe.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I like that shit, man.
• 14:58
  Speaker 7: In a world with a bunch of comics trying to
• 15:00
  Speaker 7: say original stuff, she just said, fuck it, I don't
• 15:02
  Speaker 7: like my baby.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: You supposed to write from a place of honor.
• 15:06
  Speaker 7: She love her baby. I'm basically the uncle. She love
• 15:09
  Speaker 7: that baby. But on the phone, she be.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Like, fuck this goddamn baby. She hang up, you okay?
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: You ain't hungry? You didn't think mommy love you? Her
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: baby 12 still breastfeed. That's how big them goddamn titties
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: roll out. These titties were so big, when you came out,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: he thought about killing himself. He was like, I'll do it.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: I will go meet the devil dragon on my arm
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: right now.
• 15:37
  Speaker 7: Me and he got some big ass goddamn tits. I'm
• 15:39
  Speaker 7: not even a titty man. And that's still like, I mean,
• 15:41
  Speaker 7: I see how people are into him. You know what
• 15:44
  Speaker 7: I'm saying? I'll take a woman, if you pretty, you
• 15:47
  Speaker 7: could just have nipples and a fat ass. Just as
• 15:50
  Speaker 7: long as there's an areola in the nipple.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, that's enough for me to turn around. Woo,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: look at all that ass. But I understand when any
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: pull them titties out, I'm like, oh my God.
• 16:03
  Speaker 7: She got the kind of titties that if a pastor
• 16:05
  Speaker 7: preaching and he see her, it's gonna affect the sermon.
• 16:11
  Speaker 7: Today we are reading from Psalms 33. I want you
• 16:14
  Speaker 7: to turn in your Bibles and rise once you have it.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: The Lord. The Lord said... God damn. Church, shall I digress?
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Pray for the pastor. Amen, one more time for Kenesha Bush.
• 16:49
  Speaker 7: Pick it up, let's roll right into the next comedian.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: More, more, more!
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Y'all give it.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Up for Lamar Jones! Come on folks, make some noise
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: for yourselves.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: Oh man, I'm at the stage of my life, I'm grown.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I wanna shout out my favorite people, man. 40 and up, man,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: y'all are my favorite. Oh shit, it's something about being
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: over 40, your life changed, don't it? Shit, I'm at
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: the point in my life I can't handle stress well
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: at all anymore. Any type of bad news I receive,
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I get sleepy. My body just shut down. I tell
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: my friends all the time, don't come up to me
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: with your problem, I'll take a nap.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I'll lay the fuck down right now.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Don't it feel like the more bills you pay, the
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: less healthier you get? Shit, I went to my mailbox,
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: I noticed my light bill went up $ 250.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, $ 250? Let me go lay down for
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: a couple hours. I'm going to sleep this off. This
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: is a devil right here. He busy.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: And that ain't the only thing that decline, you know,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: your body decline, you know? I ain't going to lie
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: to you.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: In my 20s, I used to be materialistic.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: I ain't no more. Right now, somebody can come up
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: here and rob me at gunpoint. You can take my wallet,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: my cell phone, my car keys, you can have all
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: of that shit, but long as you don't touch my damn.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Eyeglasses, we are A-OK. Shit, I need these goddamn eyeglasses.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: I become real spiritual when I can't see shit.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I be like, young man, don't do this. Who's your pastor?
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: What race, right?
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: And I had bad vision all my life, but let
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: me tell you when I knew my vision was at
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: its worst.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: It was last week.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: I was smoking some good reefer and it kicked in.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: You know, I was like, you know what? My vision blurry.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: It ain't what it used to be. So I went
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: in there. I went to a store. I walk in
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: the store. I take my eyeglasses off and I throw
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: them on the counter. I say, hey, ma'am, I need
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: to see your eye doctor. I need an eye exam.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I think I need a better prescription. The lady looked
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: at me and was like, you sure the fuck do,
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: because this Best Buy. You looking for American Best. And
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: this the second time your ass ain't came in here today.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: I was like, look, give me a service dog or something.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Don't just complain it. Now I got kids. These kids
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: get on my damn nerves.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: My son going to say some shit to me the
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: other day and it didn't sit well with my spirit.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Don't tell me, daddy, sometimes you don't understand me. It's
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: because my generation is just more advanced than yours. That's
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: what he said, considering he broke and ain't paying for shit.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: and tell me daddy you understand we got bullies at
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: our school and everything it tough and it's different and
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I was like son first of all you need to
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: calm the fuck down you go to a private school
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: them kids not tough like that at all and second
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: of all you ain't supposed to be getting your ass
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: beat by nobody that played a violin in the first
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: god damn place that shit come from your mama's side
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: of the family.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: It ain't got shit to do with me.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: I went to school with real thugs as a kid.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: It wasn't under the social media shit that was right
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: in your face. I never forget as a kid, I
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: walk into a classroom and the first thing I hear
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: when I walk in a classroom is, ha, look at
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: this big teeth motherfucker right here.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: And I was shocked. I was like, wow, first of all,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: what type of Sunday school is this?
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: And why is the teacher talking to me this way?
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: What the fuck wrong with him? Kid was laughing and shit.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: I had to stand up for myself. I punched the
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: first kid that was laughing.
• 20:43
  Speaker 8: Pow!
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Get some respect around here. But something went terribly wrong.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: I started to get my ass whipped in that classroom.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: Bad.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: But let me tell you how good my God is.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: I heard a voice, it was like a rocket moving,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: whispered in my ear. It was like, you know what, Lamar,
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: you losing a fight, people laughing at you, teasing you,
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: you might need to bite this motherfucker, man.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: And that's what I did. I bit his ass and
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: his chest. I laughed on real good.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: He got the high and the screaming and shit.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: I was like, too late. Don't cry now, bitch. Got
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: me fucked up.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: You ain't gonna keep cornering me like that.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Plus, I'm nearsighted.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Hey, yo, I'm comedian Lamar Jones, man.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: You guys have a wonderful night. One more time for
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Lamar Jones, y'all.
• 21:35
  Speaker 7: Rude to the good brothers of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity Incorporated.
• 21:38
  Speaker 7: I saw you, you purple and gold teamer. Shout out
• 21:42
  Speaker 7: to the ladies of Zeta Phi Beta, Canisius of Zeta,
• 21:45
  Speaker 7: white people.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: What I'm talking about.
• 21:48
  Speaker 7: Right now is Greek organizations at colleges and universities.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: We do go. Lamar is hilarious. He bit somebody and said,
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: all right. I understand, like, in a fight, anything goes,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: but if you bite me and.
• 22:07
  Speaker 7: Make sound effects, I'm gonna shoot the shit out of you.
• 22:11
  Speaker 7: You mean you biting the meat off my arm, talking about.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I can hear the bite. Nigga, just bite me in silence.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: You talking about.
• 22:23
  Speaker 7: Nigga, get your bitch ass off my guy.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Nigga, biting me like he eating pussy. That's ridiculous.
• 22:32
  Speaker 7: Oh, y'all eat pussy quiet? It's loud when I eat it.
• 22:45
  Speaker 7: And that'd be my sound. I don't know what sound
• 22:49
  Speaker 7: she making. That's me.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Are y'all ready for the next comedian to come to
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: the stage? You ready? You ready? You ready?
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: You ready?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: You ready? All the way from Detroit, Michigan, by the
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: way of the Bay.
• 23:05
  Speaker 7: Y'all give it up for Tony Robbins!
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: This is what 60 look like. Right here.
• 23:20
  Speaker 5: I see you rocking it, brother. I see you rocking
• 23:22
  Speaker 5: the ball here, brother. I like how you're doing it.
• 23:24
  Speaker 5: Some of y'all trying to hang on to this shit.
• 23:26
  Speaker 5: You got two more Christmases. If your hair back here,
• 23:30
  Speaker 5: this hairline, this ain't sexy. If the barber gotta go
• 23:34
  Speaker 5: behind you to give you a line, tell him to
• 23:35
  Speaker 5: cut this shit off. I'm owning this shit. This mic stink.
• 23:44
  Speaker 5: Somebody got a bad tooth on this show.
• 23:50
  Speaker 6: Smell this mic.
• 23:55
  Speaker 5: I thought she was my landlord when I came up here.
• 23:57
  Speaker 5: I know this motherfucker ain't following me all the way
• 23:59
  Speaker 5: from goddamn Sacramento. I got your funky ass four months.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: And they ain't even used to it.
• 24:04
  Speaker 6: Sorry about that, sir. He's like, you never take your
• 24:07
  Speaker 6: glasses off. He fucked with his glasses on. He ain't
• 24:10
  Speaker 6: even doing this. She be like, give me the motherfucking glasses.
• 24:15
  Speaker 6: You in the pussy already.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: That's your wife?
• 24:22
  Speaker 6: I got a young wife. She trying to kill me.
• 24:24
  Speaker 6: She want to do young shit. Let's take a shower together.
• 24:27
  Speaker 6: No bitch, you like the water too hot.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Fuck you. Women love scalding water.
• 24:31
  Speaker 6: My wife be in her titties sizzling. I'm getting the
• 24:36
  Speaker 6: water come up her.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: Shoulder like a bitch.
• 24:41
  Speaker 5: She don't feel it because she got the skin of luggage.
• 24:45
  Speaker 5: She got me going to the gym every day. She
• 24:47
  Speaker 5: told me, get in the ice bath. It'll help your muscles.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Bitch, I'm 60. Ice bath.
• 24:53
  Speaker 5: Soon I got in, bam, my dick went in my
• 24:55
  Speaker 5: body and closed the door.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: My dick was gone. I don't know.
• 25:00
  Speaker 6: I'm in the ice bath looking for my shit.
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: She said, let's go home.
• 25:03
  Speaker 6: Bitch, it's your dick too.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: You better help me. Call the manager.
• 25:07
  Speaker 5: We got to drain the pool because my dick is
• 25:09
  Speaker 5: not here.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: We ain't going nowhere.
• 25:16
  Speaker 6: She a nerd.
• 25:17
  Speaker 5: I'm the freak of our relationship. I tried to teach
• 25:19
  Speaker 5: her how to do role play. She said, why you
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: want to be somebody else? I said, because I'm about
• 25:22
  Speaker 5: to do some stupid shit to you and I don't
• 25:24
  Speaker 5: want it to be me. I put her in a
• 25:27
  Speaker 5: nightgown hat, three-piece suit. I said, actually, excuse me, ma'am,
• 25:32
  Speaker 5: you want to do something for two something?
• 25:35
  Speaker 6: She said, what's the money for?
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: This bitch.
• 25:39
  Speaker 6: I'm a businessman from out of town.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to buy some vagina from you.
• 25:43
  Speaker 6: She said, I just gave you this money.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I know this.
• 25:46
  Speaker 5: I'm gonna give you the money back.
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: Bitch, my dick going down now. Pay attention.
• 25:51
  Speaker 5: Every time we had sex during the role play, she
• 25:55
  Speaker 5: never talked.
• 25:55
  Speaker 6: I had to give her her lines.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Say your lines.
• 25:59
  Speaker 5: You are fucking me incredibly.
• 26:02
  Speaker 6: That's right, whore, whore, whore.
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: It's my best friend.
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: We go to the gym, the football teams go to
• 26:13
  Speaker 5: the same gym.
• 26:14
  Speaker 6: Every time I walk in there, they try to embarrass me.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: One day I walked in and they said, what's up,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: old motherfucker? You want to work out with us?
• 26:20
  Speaker 6: Can you hang?
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: I said, who you calling old, bitch?
• 26:24
  Speaker 6: I shouldn't have even been over there. You had this
• 26:27
  Speaker 6: medicine ball. We throwing it at each other. This shit
• 26:29
  Speaker 6: felt like a transmission.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: I knew I should have.
• 26:33
  Speaker 5: Stopped when I threw the ball and snot came out
• 26:35
  Speaker 5: my nose. My Fitbit called an ambulance for me. They
• 26:41
  Speaker 5: came in the gym.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Come with us, sir. You're having a heart attack.
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: I'm not getting on that gurney, all these hoes looking
• 26:46
  Speaker 5: at me. Get the fuck away from me. You're embarrassing me.
• 26:48
  Speaker 5: I got right in his face.
• 26:49
  Speaker 6: Go around the corner. I'll be around there in five minutes.
• 26:52
  Speaker 5: I can't feel shit on my right side, but.
• 26:54
  Speaker 6: Don't come back in here, no.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: Fuck y'all.
• 26:57
  Speaker 6: Five minutes later, I'm in the ambulance like.
• 27:05
  Speaker 5: I'm making some good money, but my wife's spending it.
• 27:07
  Speaker 5: So when I get it in, it goes out. I
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: hold her hand in the mall.
• 27:10
  Speaker 6: She think it's romance. I don't want her to go
• 27:12
  Speaker 6: in that goddamn store. Went to a high-end restaurant for
• 27:16
  Speaker 6: our anniversary.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I do Applebee's and Burger King.
• 27:18
  Speaker 6: Fuck this high-end shit.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I know it's high-end.
• 27:21
  Speaker 6: We had five glasses and five forks in front of me.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I said, we having company?
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: What's going on?
• 27:26
  Speaker 6: My wife ordered a drink, expensive. I ain't never heard
• 27:28
  Speaker 6: this drink before. She said, give me a tall, dark,
• 27:31
  Speaker 6: and handsome.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what?
• 27:33
  Speaker 6: She said, what do you have, sir?
• 27:34
  Speaker 5: Two hoes ready to go. Talk dark my ass. That's
• 27:42
  Speaker 5: my best friend though. I got to hang on to her.
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: She tougher than me. You got to see when she
• 27:48
  Speaker 5: in the tub. This bitch laying in neck bone water.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: It's boiling. I said, you're going to die.
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: Get out of there.
• 27:56
  Speaker 5: I took a hard pack of ramen noodles in her
• 27:58
  Speaker 5: tub one night.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: It just, ooh, it ain't ready. This bitch a robot.
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: My wife this tall, she Filipino, this tall.
• 28:09
  Speaker 6: I thought she was Chinese when I, I'm from Detroit,
• 28:11
  Speaker 6: we ain't have no Filipinos. I thought she, I ain't,
• 28:14
  Speaker 6: I'm Filipino, I ain't Chinese.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I said, bitch, rice is rice.
• 28:20
  Speaker 6: She mean, she'll fight anybody.
• 28:22
  Speaker 5: I had four fights in my life, then none of
• 28:23
  Speaker 5: them go like I thought they was gonna go. We
• 28:25
  Speaker 5: was in a club one night, I'm trying to leave,
• 28:27
  Speaker 5: I don't know where she at. She came back like this.
• 28:30
  Speaker 6: I said, what happened to you? That dude over there
• 28:32
  Speaker 6: slapped me.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what?
• 28:33
  Speaker 6: We need to get the fuck out of here.
• 28:36
  Speaker 5: They slapping motherfuckers in here.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: She said, go talk to him. I'm going to talk
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to him for him.
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: He didn't slap me.
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: What if I go, he slapped me, we both slap,
• 28:43
  Speaker 5: we lose.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: Let's get in the car, bitch. We winning. Let's get
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: in the car, we winning.
• 28:50
  Speaker 6: Please, I don't want to fight nobody.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: I'm a man of God.
• 28:56
  Speaker 6: That's my best friend. She do stupid shit.
• 28:59
  Speaker 5: She went and bought a bidet for the downstairs bathroom.
• 29:01
  Speaker 6: You know what the bidet is? She said, baby, let
• 29:03
  Speaker 6: the water shoot up in your ass and clean it.
• 29:06
  Speaker 6: Ain't nothing going in my ass.
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: Thoughts, imagination, water, nothing.
• 29:12
  Speaker 6: I lost the bet. Now I got to do it.
• 29:14
  Speaker 6: In my house, you honor a bet.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: So I had to do it. I lost the bet.
• 29:17
  Speaker 5: So I told her, you and the kids go out.
• 29:19
  Speaker 5: Y'all go eat somewhere. Can't anybody be home when I'm
• 29:22
  Speaker 5: doing this? I don't know what this water going to
• 29:23
  Speaker 5: do to me. If my kids hear this, they ain't
• 29:27
  Speaker 5: gonna respect me no more. So she left, she didn't
• 29:30
  Speaker 5: tell me how to work it. I'm like, I'm just
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: gonna give up. I'm naked, I done took a shit
• 29:33
  Speaker 5: and everything. And just when I was about to give up,
• 29:36
  Speaker 5: I hit the right button, bam, that shit went in
• 29:38
  Speaker 5: my ass. I was like, what the fuck? Let me
• 29:42
  Speaker 5: tell you, the best shit ever. I'm going to town
• 29:47
  Speaker 5: on that bitch. I know I'm doing too much.
• 29:51
  Speaker 6: Because water coming.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: Out my mouth.
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: I'm like, oh fuck, I'm drowning. I just fell off
• 29:56
  Speaker 5: that bitch naked. My wife came home, I'm mopping the floor.
• 30:00
  Speaker 6: She said, what happened? This bitch broke.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: It almost killed me.
• 30:05
  Speaker 6: I'm out of here.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: I got to go, y'all.
• 30:09
  Speaker 5: Tony Robbins.
• 30:26
  Speaker 8: Y'all give it up for Trent Cotton, Kenesha Buss, Lamar Jones,
• 30:31
  Speaker 8: and Tony Motherfucker Roberts.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: That's it for this episode. We'll see y'all next week, man. Peace!