Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1113 - Connection is King

Transcript

#1113 - Connection is King · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Yesterday, I'm a Happy Families podcast. Kylie, you and I
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  Speaker 3: made a very big deal, a very big deal about
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  Speaker 3: how we were well. I was buying back into what
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  Speaker 3: do you call it again, Oh, Halloween.
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  Speaker 2: That's right, just saying I was making a big deal
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  Speaker 2: about it. You are the one who made promise.
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  Speaker 3: I got caught up at the moment, didn't I. You did,
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  Speaker 3: And shortly after the podcast went to air, I looked
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  Speaker 3: at you and said, no, no, we're not doing it
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  Speaker 3: after all. So we let the neighborhood down. This used
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  Speaker 3: to be the Halloween House. No Halloween, but I did
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  Speaker 3: take Emily out for a community trunk or treat that
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  Speaker 3: I found happening, and that was fun. That was fun,
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  Speaker 3: And that's all I have to say about it. I'm
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  Speaker 3: not going to say anything else, too much, sugar, but
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  Speaker 3: it nice to be in the community and nice to
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  Speaker 3: say hi to some people and that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: So I just I felt like, in the interest of integrity,
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  Speaker 3: I needed to highlight that Halloween happened, but not quite
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: the way that we said it would. Yesterday on the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Well, today is all about I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: So am I supposed to do better next year for Halloween?
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  Speaker 3: Is that what you're saying.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you're making some big admissions and commitments.
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  Speaker 3: Two things that I want to bring up before we
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  Speaker 3: dive into older better Tomorrow today. The first is that
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  Speaker 3: last Saturday, you and I spoke at a conference in
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  Speaker 3: a room full of about two hundred and sixty two
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  Speaker 3: hundred and seventy dads. It was a room full of men.
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  Speaker 3: You and two other women were the only women in
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  Speaker 3: the room. Just a room full of men, and you
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  Speaker 3: were brave enough to get up on stage and talk
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  Speaker 3: for about ten minutes or thereabouts. We're going to share
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  Speaker 3: your talk to the Fathers of Girls conference. We're going
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  Speaker 3: to share that in the podcast in the next few days.
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  Speaker 3: I just wanted to highlight it because it was brilliant
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  Speaker 3: and you made a room of two hundred and sixty
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  Speaker 3: dads cry, I mean not every one of them, but
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  Speaker 3: almost all of them, and you had their rapt attention.
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  Speaker 3: It was just sort of fabulous.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe because it was the change of hormone.
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  Speaker 3: Well they really they were responsive. I mean it was
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  Speaker 3: rowdy for over an hour while lunch was served, and
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  Speaker 3: there was a fair bit of alcohol consumed as well.
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  Speaker 3: But once you stood up and started to speak, they
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  Speaker 3: were focused and they listened to every word, and the
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  Speaker 3: feedback from it was just beautiful. You did a great job.
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  Speaker 3: So we enjoyed that so much, and a big thank
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  Speaker 3: you to Luke and Shawan and the team from Fathers
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  Speaker 3: of Girls. It's so funny. They've got this organization and
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  Speaker 3: they raised money for charities, for a charity called Confident Girls.
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  Speaker 3: They've raised what was it, something like, was it one
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  Speaker 3: hundred and fifty thousand or one hundred and seventy five
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  Speaker 3: thousand dollars that they've raised for this charity where they
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  Speaker 3: just get dads of girls to show up, pay for
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  Speaker 3: their lunches, make a contribution big money. Amazing, What a
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  Speaker 3: difference it makes for girls who have additional needs or
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  Speaker 3: who are in circumstances where they need assistance. Just brilliant stuff.
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  Speaker 3: But you gave this talk and it was brilliant. So
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  Speaker 3: we're going to bring that to you on the podcast
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  Speaker 3: over the next few days. We'll find a slot and
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  Speaker 3: make sure that we pop that in there. Second item
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  Speaker 3: of news that I just quickly wanted to bring up
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  Speaker 3: was the Australia Party North Queensland, Bob and Robbie Catter
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  Speaker 3: making a whole lot of noise in the media. At
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  Speaker 3: the moment, parents have.
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  Speaker 1: Lost their rights to discipline the children.
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  Speaker 3: Dumb kids need a smack.
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  Speaker 1: A kick up.
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  Speaker 3: There a ruler.
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  Speaker 1: That's Margie Ryder. She's running for the Queensland Parliament in
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  Speaker 1: the seat of Townsville ahead of this weekend state election.
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  Speaker 1: Writer is part of Kata's Australian Party KAP, a conservative
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  Speaker 1: leaning party calling for a return to physical punishment as
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  Speaker 1: a form of child discipline. Think Cain's belts and rulers.
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  Speaker 3: Because they want to bring back the jug cord, they
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  Speaker 3: want to bring back the strap, they want to bring
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  Speaker 3: back the caine in schools, corporal punishment back in schools.
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  Speaker 3: And now that the LMP have won the Queensland election,
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  Speaker 3: this is something that they're actually trying to bring up
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  Speaker 3: on the agenda. It's not going to get through, It
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  Speaker 3: will never fly, and they're completely misguided. They have no
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  Speaker 3: concept of what the research says around this, clearly or
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  Speaker 3: they wouldn't be saying it. But I'm just it's twenty
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  Speaker 3: twenty four. What world are we living in Well, we've
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  Speaker 3: got politics making these kinds of ideas. I just I
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  Speaker 3: had to bring it up, Kylie, because well, I don't know,
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  Speaker 3: because it's a Friday and I like to bring up
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  Speaker 3: these random things. So, folks, that's what's happening in Queensland.
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  Speaker 3: Because in Queensland, not long do we not have daylight
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  Speaker 3: saving because we're always a little bit behind. Although I
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  Speaker 3: don't mind that. I do like before thirty wake cups
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  Speaker 3: so much better. But yeah, we've got politicians who want
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  Speaker 3: to bring that corporate punishment. Anyway, Kylie, you are battling
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  Speaker 3: hay Fevers. So I'm not going to insist that you
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  Speaker 3: talk a whole lot today, and we're certainly not going
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  Speaker 3: to go through the fathers of girls talk today, but
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  Speaker 3: it is I'll do better tomorrow. Let's kick this off
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  Speaker 3: with you. This is the bit where we get introspective
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  Speaker 3: of what worked, what didn't, How can we be better
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  Speaker 3: parents tomorrow? What was your insight, what was your learning?
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  Speaker 3: What was your positive or negative experience? I want to
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  Speaker 3: hear all about it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, let's start with the fact that I've been writing
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  Speaker 2: now for.
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  Speaker 3: Three weeks, writing with a d that is getting on
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  Speaker 3: a push bike and chasing me around the Sunshine Coast streets.
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  Speaker 2: And after my first week of hazardous falls and.
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  Speaker 3: Oh that brilliight hi, Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, we are through all of that, and I'm feeling stronger,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm really really enjoying being out early in the morning.
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  Speaker 3: Waking up at four thirty in the morning to go
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  Speaker 3: for a bike.
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  Speaker 2: Crazy, isn't it. But the big challenge is that it
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  Speaker 2: has just added to my levels of exhaustion a little bit,
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  Speaker 2: and nighttimes are really really hard.
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  Speaker 3: So it has happened more than once that you have
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  Speaker 3: fallen asleep on the couch somewhere between six thirty and
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  Speaker 3: seven o'clock and the TV sid on. You're just laying
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  Speaker 3: down on the couch to take a breather. Next thing
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  Speaker 3: you know, you're unconscious, you're around, You're just gone.
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  Speaker 2: So the other night one of the kids came to
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  Speaker 2: the room. I had literally just put my feet up
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  Speaker 2: and was just kind of trying to take a breather.
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  Speaker 3: Do you know what time it was?
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  Speaker 2: It was seven thirty SAT night. We just finished dinner,
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  Speaker 2: the kids were cleaning up, and I thought I could
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  Speaker 2: just quietly retreat to the room and nobody would notice
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  Speaker 2: my nonsense. And there was a knock on my door
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  Speaker 2: and one of the girls came in and she said, hey, Mum,
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  Speaker 2: I went for a walk earlier along the beach with
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  Speaker 2: a friend, but she doesn't like walking on the sand,
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  Speaker 2: so we didn't actually walk very far. Do you want
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  Speaker 2: to come for a walk with me now? And I
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  Speaker 2: looked at her like, are you kidding me?
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  Speaker 3: You looked at her through closed eyes, and.
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  Speaker 2: I said, darling, I'd love to go for a walk
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  Speaker 2: with you right now, But I am shouted. I got
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  Speaker 2: up this morning, I went for an early bike ride.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just really exhausted. I said, can we do it
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  Speaker 2: another day? And she completely understood, and she was so
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  Speaker 2: gracious and just said, yeah, that's fine, mum, and she
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  Speaker 2: walked off. But as she walked off, my heart just
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  Speaker 2: ached because I recognized in that moment what she was
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  Speaker 2: actually saying was Mum, I just need you. I just
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  Speaker 2: need some time. And it took everything I had to
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  Speaker 2: muster up some energy to push myself off the bed
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  Speaker 2: and I called down the hallway and I said, let's go,
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  Speaker 2: and there was this hope field really come floating down
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  Speaker 2: the corridor. As she turned and looked at me and
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  Speaker 2: realized that I was actually genuinely serious. So we jumped
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  Speaker 2: in the car and we drove down to our favorite
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  Speaker 2: spot down at the beach five kilometers later.
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  Speaker 3: It's not bad somebody who was asleep three minutes earlier.
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  Speaker 2: She was completely talked out. But what I noticed was
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  Speaker 2: the change in her countenance and she was just glowing.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't that we did anything special, but in that moment,
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  Speaker 2: what she needed was to know that she had my
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  Speaker 2: full attention. She was able to share her heart with me,
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  Speaker 2: but she was also desperate to no mine, and in
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  Speaker 2: that moment we were able to have that beautiful connection
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  Speaker 2: that comes from no distractions and side by side, beautiful
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  Speaker 2: comfortable connectedness, and it was just beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: With noting as well that you don't have to live
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  Speaker 3: near the beach or in some kind of exotic location
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  Speaker 3: to do this. When we were living in Brisbane in
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  Speaker 3: suburbia a few years ago, we would still do that,
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  Speaker 3: Like the kids would want to go for a walk
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  Speaker 3: and we would just walk the streets. We'd find the
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  Speaker 3: nicest place in the neighborhood that we could walk to
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  Speaker 3: and we'd do that take home message.
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  Speaker 2: Even when it's really hard don't miss those bits for connection.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, And my take our message from that one
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  Speaker 3: would actually be that parents sacrifice constantly. That's what parenting is,
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  Speaker 3: and it's an uneven relationship and it's supposed to be
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  Speaker 3: that way. You're never going to get back from the
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  Speaker 3: children what you put in. It just won't happen. And
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  Speaker 3: that's okay, that's how it's supposed to be. One day,
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  Speaker 3: it actually all does come back, and it comes back
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  Speaker 3: in an absolute delightful rush. And there are also those
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  Speaker 3: peaks and troughs. There are those moments, well the peaks.
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  Speaker 3: There are those moments like when you have the walk
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  Speaker 3: and you think, I didn't have the energy for this,
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  Speaker 3: but jit, it was good, and look at my daughter now,
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  Speaker 3: So what's yours? Okay, I'll do better tomorrow. Is a
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  Speaker 3: really simple one, and it's kind of a line. I've
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  Speaker 3: been working on my book, and my goodness, Kylie, I
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  Speaker 3: feel like the pressure of having to write a book
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  Speaker 3: takes It's so all encompassing. I've got all these things
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  Speaker 3: to do, but every time I go and do one
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  Speaker 3: of those things, not writing my book, and so I'm
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  Speaker 3: putting off all the things that I have to do
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  Speaker 3: because the book is everything, and a book is such
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  Speaker 3: a big project that you can't sort of say, I'll
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  Speaker 3: just get the book done and then I'll go and
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  Speaker 3: do that other stuff. But that's kind of how I'm
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  Speaker 3: doing it. Because it's already sixteen months past it's due
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  Speaker 3: date of the publisher. I'm so far behind time. And
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  Speaker 3: the other day our fourteen year old daughter came to
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  Speaker 3: me in the morning. She's being homeschool so she came
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  Speaker 3: to me about ten o'clock and said, Dad, I'd really
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  Speaker 3: like to go to the beach and have a swim
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  Speaker 3: with you. It's a really warm day, it's a really
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  Speaker 3: nice day. Have you got time to take me down
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  Speaker 3: to the beach for a swim? And I looked at
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  Speaker 3: her and said, I've got to write a book. Like
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  Speaker 3: I don't want to say this to you, but I've
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  Speaker 3: got a book to write. And she said, no, that's cool,
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  Speaker 3: I get it. And I said, I tell you what,
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  Speaker 3: I need to get my priorities in order, and going
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  Speaker 3: for a swim with you is a high priority. But
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  Speaker 3: if I go for the swim and keep on putting
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  Speaker 3: off the work that has to be done on the book,
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  Speaker 3: so let me do a few hours on the book
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  Speaker 3: and the sarbo. Once it's not so hot and we're
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  Speaker 3: out of the heat of the day, we'll head down
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  Speaker 3: to the beach and I'll have a swim. And she
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  Speaker 3: she just like you said with our other daughter when
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  Speaker 3: she wanted to go for the walk. Lily just looked
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  Speaker 3: at me and said okay, and really respected that I
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  Speaker 3: had work to do, and she went and did her thing.
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  Speaker 3: And I got stuck into my work and Kylie, I
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  Speaker 3: completely forgot. I got absolutely absorbed in the book writing.
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  Speaker 3: I did so much work. I was super productive, and
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  Speaker 3: I was so proud of myself because it's so hard
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  Speaker 3: to do it. Until around about I think it was
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  Speaker 3: five o'clock, maybe five point fifteen, and then I suddenly remembered.
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  Speaker 3: I told Lily that I'd take her for a swim,
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  Speaker 3: and so I went into the house and said, you're
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  Speaker 3: up for that swim and she looked at me and
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  Speaker 3: like it's a bit late, dad. I said, no, come on,
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  Speaker 3: we'll go for the swim. I promised you I would,
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  Speaker 3: And there is still some daylight. Let's get down the beach.
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  Speaker 3: So we was down the beach and again, one of
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  Speaker 3: the beautiful things about where we live is that we
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  Speaker 3: can do that. And Kylie was swamp for about forty
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  Speaker 3: five minutes and I just I saw this kid and
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  Speaker 3: a new light again. It was that beautiful moment where
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  Speaker 3: you think, these kids are awesome. I love I love
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  Speaker 3: being with my kids. It's just that as parents, we
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: feel so much pressure, we feel so much tension, we
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: feel so much weight, and we're so torn because everything
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  Speaker 3: else is so urgent, and playing with the kids is important,
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  Speaker 3: but it's not making the same level of demand on
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: us as the bills or the emails or the cooking
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: or the cleaning and all of the other things that
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: feel like they just have to be done. And it
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  Speaker 3: felt great. So my older bettoria is a really simple one,
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  Speaker 3: and that is that we've got to make time for
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  Speaker 3: the things that matter most.
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  Speaker 2: When I think about all of the important relationships in
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  Speaker 2: our lives, whether it be our children or our parents,
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  Speaker 2: our siblings, or you and not close friends partners. When
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  Speaker 2: we're not intentional about making time to connect, it's so
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: easy to see how those little annoyances kind of just
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: wheedle their way into our thoughts and the way we
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: perceive those people in our lives. And I've had it
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: happen so many times where I'm just like, Oh, that
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: person's so annoying, blah blah, And then I spend some
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: quality time with them, and all of a sudden, I
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  Speaker 2: remember all of the things that I love.
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  Speaker 3: They're actually delightful people.
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  Speaker 2: Really delightful people. But because I'm removed from the situation
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  Speaker 2: so much of the time, all I see is the annoyances.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And it's the same with our kids. If we're so
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  Speaker 2: busy just doing the mundane everyday things and just working
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: through the big list without actually being intentional about connecting,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: then it's so easy for us to just see them
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: as annoyances because there's so many reasons to get frustrated.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So to take our message for me probably the
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: same as you kids, spell love t im. Just like
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: dollars of the currency of our economy, attention and connection
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: to the currency of our relationships. The Happy Family's podcast
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. We really
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: hope you have a fabulous, wonderful weekend and that you
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: get plenty of that time so that the family feels
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: full of love and joy and all the good things.
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: So gratefully to listen to the podcast, hopefully it's doing
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: for you what it needs to make your family happier.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: Have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful weekend, and we'll see you
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: on Monday as we tackle the big issue of how
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: many times? How many times do I have to tell you?
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: On the Happy Families Podcast