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#1773 My Tips For Understanding Others - Harps · The You Project

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Speaker 1: Good a team. I hope you're great. So today I
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Speaker 1: want to talk to you about something that is should
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Speaker 1: I say it's an obsession. If I say it's an obsession,
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Speaker 1: that sounds unhealthy, Right, It's called it's almost an obsession.
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Speaker 1: It's a deep curiosity. It's a deep fascination for me.
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Speaker 1: And this is not going to surprise any view well,
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Speaker 1: especially since you've seen the title. And that is my ability,
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Speaker 1: our ability to understand other people. And when I say
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Speaker 1: understand people, I just mean that I mean to understand
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Speaker 1: how they think, to understand their behavior, to understand their
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Speaker 1: actions and their reactions, to understand their version of reality,
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Speaker 1: their worldview, why they speak the way they do, perhaps
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Speaker 1: their body language, their psychology, their emotion, their physiology, their sociology.
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Speaker 1: I really want to know how other people work. I
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Speaker 1: want to know how other people work because my job
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Speaker 1: is helping other people. And if I don't understand how
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Speaker 1: the other person that i'm or the person that I'm
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Speaker 1: talking with works in inverted commas, or I at least
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Speaker 1: don't have some insight into who they are and how
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Speaker 1: they are and why they are the way they are,
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Speaker 1: then how can I help? It's like trying to give
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Speaker 1: somebody a medicine appeal, a powder, a potion, or some
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Speaker 1: kind of medication when you don't know what their ailment is.
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Speaker 1: So at the very least I need to try to
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Speaker 1: have some insight into who is this person that I'm
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Speaker 1: coaching or mentoring or talking to on the phone or
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Speaker 1: a zoom call, so that I can be of value.
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Speaker 1: And also, obviously beyond work and beyond coaching and just
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Speaker 1: out and about, I'm interested in people. I find human
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Speaker 1: behavior for me it's the most interesting life. The way
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Speaker 1: that the way that brains work and mine's work and
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Speaker 1: by extension people work for me will be I think
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Speaker 1: it'll be a lifetime obsession. And also in the middle
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Speaker 1: of that, you know, trying to understand me, trying to
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Speaker 1: understand others, but trying to understand myself. And it's very
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Speaker 1: I guess the ever present self awareness challenge is to
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Speaker 1: be able to reflect on my own stuff, for you
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Speaker 1: to be able to reflect on your own stuff, like
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Speaker 1: why do I Craig, Why do I think the way
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Speaker 1: that I do? Why do I say the things that
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Speaker 1: I do the way that I say them, Why do
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Speaker 1: I respond? Why do I interpret this particular event as
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Speaker 1: a problem you might see the same thing or be
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Speaker 1: in the middle of the same thing and call it
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Speaker 1: a lesson, and somebody else might call it an opportunity,
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Speaker 1: and somebody else might label it as a non event.
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Speaker 1: And all of us have our own way of processing
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Speaker 1: the world, and we do that all day, every day.
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Speaker 1: Depending on which research you look at, they used to
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Speaker 1: say we have about seventy thousand thoughts today. I always
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Speaker 1: thought that was too many. More recent researches somewhere closer
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Speaker 1: to ten to twenty. But let's just go with the
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Speaker 1: not very scientific figure of a fuck load. Let's say
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Speaker 1: we have a fuck load. We have lots of thoughts.
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Speaker 1: What do we have fourteen hundred and forty minutes in
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Speaker 1: a day? Even if we had ten thoughts a minute,
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Speaker 1: that's fourteen thousand and four hundred. I don't think we're
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Speaker 1: having ten individual thoughts a minute, But anyway, it's in
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Speaker 1: the it's in that. Here's me going off at a tangent.
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Speaker 1: By the way, interesting how I think, But nonetheless so
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Speaker 1: over the years back, even even when I was an
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Speaker 1: eighteen year old gym instructor on the floor and I
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Speaker 1: was teaching and talking and teaching on a very low
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Speaker 1: level of course teaching people how to do stuff in
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Speaker 1: the gym. My knowledge was average, my skill was average.
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Speaker 1: My competence as a fitness professional was probably less than average,
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Speaker 1: although back in the day it wasn't a high bar,
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Speaker 1: so maybe it was average. But the bottom line is,
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Speaker 1: from that time nineteen eighty two until today, as I
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Speaker 1: record this the twenty first of January twenty twenty five,
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Speaker 1: I've been learning and will continue to learn about how
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Speaker 1: to talk to people, and how to build rapport with people,
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Speaker 1: and how to create connection, and how to have interpersonal
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Speaker 1: exchanges that are healthy and productive, not toxic and destructive.
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Speaker 1: Knowing that my ability to be able to understand others
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Speaker 1: is pretty much the most important factor in terms of
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Speaker 1: communication and connection. Like, if I can't really understand or
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Speaker 1: relate to the person in front of me, how on
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Speaker 1: earth can I build rapport if I don't know or
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Speaker 1: I don't at least have some insight into their version
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Speaker 1: of right now. And some people think, especially these days
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Speaker 1: where there's so much fucking hate, and you know, there
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Speaker 1: is so much there's so much polarization and disagreement, and
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Speaker 1: you know there are so many groups. I'm not speaking
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Speaker 1: about anything in particular, like the moment that you even
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Speaker 1: mention anything, then people jump on one side of the fence.
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Speaker 1: So let's let's not talk about individual groups. Let's just
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Speaker 1: talk about the human group. Let's talk about the group
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Speaker 1: that you and I are in. Let's talk about the
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Speaker 1: group that everyone on the planet is in, and that
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Speaker 1: is the human group. All humans have psychology and physiology,
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Speaker 1: and emotion and sociology. All humans grow up in a
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Speaker 1: certain paradigm or a certain culture. Some in a certain theology,
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Speaker 1: some not or absence of theology, some men a certain
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Speaker 1: family dynamic good or bad or horrible, or brilliant or amazing.
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Speaker 1: Everybody has some kind of education orbeit formal or informal
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Speaker 1: to some level. Everyone grows up in a particular environment.
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Speaker 1: Everyone has certain influences. Everyone has a myriad of factors
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Speaker 1: and variable genetic and beyond that frame or shape the
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Speaker 1: way that they see the world, in the way that
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Speaker 1: they see others and see themselves. I know this is
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Speaker 1: kind of long winded. I don't mean it to be,
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Speaker 1: but I look, this is just my view. You might
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Speaker 1: not agree on. It's okay, But for me, I can't
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Speaker 1: emphasize enough how important it is that if you are
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Speaker 1: a want to be coach or teacher, or manager or leader,
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Speaker 1: or even just a fucking communicator of any kind, that
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Speaker 1: you seek first to understand that you do your best,
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Speaker 1: even if it's to understand bad behavior, even if it's
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Speaker 1: to understand toxic behavior, even if it's to understand all
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Speaker 1: those things that we hate, you know, violence and the like,
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Speaker 1: and bigotry and hatred and all of those things that well,
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Speaker 1: most of us, you and me, I hope, would love
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Speaker 1: to eradicate from the planet. But we know more than
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Speaker 1: likely we're not going to. And so even when it
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Speaker 1: comes to the horrible stuff, the shitty stuff that we
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Speaker 1: don't want to be exposed to, that we don't want
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Speaker 1: to be part of, that we wish would disappear, even
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Speaker 1: with that, it's in our interest to understand it so
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Speaker 1: that we can navigate it. It's in our interest so
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Speaker 1: that we can deal with people and problems and issues
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Speaker 1: that are somewhere between a moral and difficult and uncomfortable
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Speaker 1: and unwanted and uncertain right to the end of the spectrum,
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Speaker 1: which we might call pure fucking evil. And sadly that
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Speaker 1: stuff exists. That's part of the world we live in.
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Speaker 1: So it is crucial for you and me to be
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Speaker 1: able to understand the people that we are going to
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Speaker 1: work with, live with, intersect with, interact with, solve problems with,
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Speaker 1: be part of a team with, be related, to be
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Speaker 1: married to all of those things so that we can
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Speaker 1: do our best. You and I, like, all that's in
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Speaker 1: your control is you, right, all that's in my control
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Speaker 1: is me. So you and I as individuals need to
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Speaker 1: do our best to control our controllables and understand the
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Speaker 1: reality and the worldview and the behavior and the thinking
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Speaker 1: more of others so that we can in this social,
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Speaker 1: interpersonal professional space that we can produce good outcomes. So
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Speaker 1: I'm going to give you some points of things that
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Speaker 1: for me have proven to be really valuable ideas, and
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Speaker 1: you'll figure out for yourself what's relevant for you and
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Speaker 1: which of these you think you might want to apply
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Speaker 1: or might want to explore or lean into a little bit.
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Speaker 1: So Number one is pay attention to what they do
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Speaker 1: more than what they say. This is not a new thing.
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Speaker 1: I've said this multiple times here, but we often get
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Speaker 1: enamored with, or distracted with, or even misinformed by words.
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Speaker 1: Words matter, but not all words are truly representative of
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Speaker 1: what is happening un benderneath the words, and saying something
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Speaker 1: is not the same as being something. I can say
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Speaker 1: all kinds of shit and none of it might be true.
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Speaker 1: I can say all kinds of deflective and misleading things
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Speaker 1: because I want you to believe or think a certain
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Speaker 1: thing about me. But over time, over time, if you
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Speaker 1: are around me for long enough, you would be able
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Speaker 1: to just pay attention to how I am, how I
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Speaker 1: treat people, what I do, how I eat, how I live,
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Speaker 1: how I work, how I do meetings, how I solve problems,
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Speaker 1: how I stay calm in a crisis, or maybe how
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Speaker 1: I lose my shit for no particular reason. Over time,
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Speaker 1: if you can observe me and see how I do life,
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Speaker 1: and how I do work, and how I do interactions,
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Speaker 1: and how I do health, and how I do all
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Speaker 1: of the different component of being a human, then you
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Speaker 1: are really going to understand who I am much more,
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Speaker 1: perhaps than just by listening to what could be complete
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Speaker 1: shit coming out of my mouth. Because I'm just trying
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Speaker 1: to form an impression. I'm just trying to get you
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Speaker 1: to think a certain way, So pay attention, listen. I'm
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Speaker 1: not saying don't listen to people at all. Sometimes those
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Speaker 1: conversations are transformative and brilliant and insightful and incredible. I'm
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Speaker 1: not saying don't do that. I'm saying sometimes what is
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Speaker 1: even more valuable is just to observe, is just to
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Speaker 1: be present, is just to pay attention. Number two is
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Speaker 1: understand their backstory. Now we can't always do this, but
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Speaker 1: as much as possible, try to get some kind of backstory,
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Speaker 1: some kind of insight, some kind of picture of where
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Speaker 1: this person or these people have been, what they've seen,
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Speaker 1: what they've been part of their programming, their upbringing, their experiences,
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Speaker 1: their culture, their childhood, their education. For example, if if
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Speaker 1: you were to just talk to my mum and dad,
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Speaker 1: who are eighty five years old, and have a particular
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Speaker 1: conversation with them, you might draw certain conclusions about my
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Speaker 1: dad or my mum which may or may not be
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Speaker 1: indicative of what is really going on. And you might think, oh, gee,
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Speaker 1: Ron's not a big talker, or you might think Mary
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Speaker 1: is this or Mary's that. And I'm saying this because
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Speaker 1: I actually did this about my own parents for quite
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Speaker 1: a long time, until I was in my mid twenties
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Speaker 1: and even up to my thirties, where I didn't really
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Speaker 1: totally understand my parents because I'd only known my parents
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Speaker 1: through the lens of being a kid. I'd only really
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Speaker 1: understood and experienced my parents, who are two individual adults
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Speaker 1: like I was. By that, I'd only ever kind of
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Speaker 1: look through the window of I'm their kid, they're my parents,
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Speaker 1: and I had an idea of who they were and
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Speaker 1: how they were, and of course, being the arrogant little
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Speaker 1: fock start that I was, I also thought that, you know,
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Speaker 1: I knew better than them, and that you know, when
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Speaker 1: we're in this situation or having this conversation, they should
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Speaker 1: respond a certain way or I had expectations of who
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Speaker 1: they should be and how they should be, and they
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Speaker 1: should fit in with my expectations. In other words, they
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Speaker 1: should be more like me. Well, how arrogant, how egotistical,
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Speaker 1: how unrealistic, how unproductive, and how ultimately stupid, you know,
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Speaker 1: not insightful, not clever, none of that. But when I
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Speaker 1: started to understand my mum and dad's backstory, really, when
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Speaker 1: I did a deep dive into learning about what my
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Speaker 1: dad's childhood was like, and I'm not going to go
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Speaker 1: into it, but it wasn't it wasn't awesome. It wasn't amazing,
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Speaker 1: you know, one of six boys, one of eight in
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Speaker 1: the family, of course, growing up in the Second World War.
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Speaker 1: Born in the first year of the Second World War.
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Speaker 1: Mom mom's mum died giving birth to her. She never
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Speaker 1: had a mum per se. She grew up on a farm,
14:29
Speaker 1: then she was sent to a boarding school. And it's
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Speaker 1: fair to say that compared to my childhood was essentially
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Speaker 1: My childhood was essentially an episode of a fucking Disney sitcom.
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Speaker 1: Compared to Ron and Mary's experience as children and as
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Speaker 1: teenagers and even as young adults, I grew up in
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Speaker 1: compared to them, And by the way, we were anywhere
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Speaker 1: near rich, not even close, but compared to what mum
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Speaker 1: and dad grew up in, I grew up in relative luxury.
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Speaker 1: Like my life was a dream compared to their life. Now,
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Speaker 1: before I got that context, and before I did an
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Speaker 1: inventory on myself, and before I started to get a
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Speaker 1: better understanding, and like, to be honest, I didn't even
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Speaker 1: want that understanding at the start, because I just thought
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Speaker 1: I was right. I just saw things through my lens.
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Speaker 1: And when we talk about this challenge of understanding others,
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Speaker 1: it is a really tricky prospect. It is a really
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Speaker 1: tricky thing to do because we're trying to get understanding
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Speaker 1: of somebody else looking through the window of our understanding.
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Speaker 1: Does that make sense? I know it's tricky, but just
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Speaker 1: knowing that everybody has their own backstory, their own programming,
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Speaker 1: their own conditioning, and a range of influence and factors
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Speaker 1: and variables that contribute to how they think and how
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Speaker 1: they see the world, that you didn't have all of
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Speaker 1: those variables that you didn't You had your own variables,
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Speaker 1: but you did not have theirs in most instances. Number
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Speaker 1: three is remember we're talking about how to understand others.
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Speaker 1: Number three is ask great questions, be present, and be
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Speaker 1: genuinely curious as somebody who asks questions for a living
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Speaker 1: and answers questions for a living. But you think about
16:39
Speaker 1: this podcast, you know, obviously every time I have a
16:42
Speaker 1: guest on, my job is to facilitate, hopefully something that
16:47
Speaker 1: is good to listen to for you. And how good
16:51
Speaker 1: an episode of the U Project where there's myself and
16:53
Speaker 1: a guest, how good that will be. It's dependent on
16:56
Speaker 1: a few things, of course, content and who the guest
16:59
Speaker 1: is and a few other variables, But in part it's
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Speaker 1: dependent on me being able to ask questions that hopefully
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Speaker 1: will elicit some interesting content, information that might be of
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Speaker 1: value to you, and also some kind of curiosity in
17:22
Speaker 1: you the listen. If I can ask questions that you
17:24
Speaker 1: might have asked, then I'm doing a really good job.
17:28
Speaker 1: If I can ask questions that might be relevant to you,
17:31
Speaker 1: then I'm doing a really good job. And so in
17:34
Speaker 1: order to understand how others are, I am always asking
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Speaker 1: questions that will hopefully give me the most data. So
17:47
Speaker 1: open ended questions. So I'm not going to say to somebody,
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Speaker 1: are you feeling good? I might ask that, but generally
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Speaker 1: that's going to be yep, great or no, that's no.
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Speaker 1: Then maybe we can open that door. But I can
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Speaker 1: say something like, tell me how you feel at the moment,
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Speaker 1: tell me what's going on for you. So there's that
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Speaker 1: thing that's happened, how do you feel about that? Tell
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Speaker 1: me what's coming up for you, what's happening in your head,
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Speaker 1: what's happening in your heart? Are you all right? Okay? Now,
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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, we've opened a different door. We've
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Speaker 1: closed the yes no door, and now we're opening the
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Speaker 1: let's get some information and let's see if we can
18:26
Speaker 1: build on this, Let's see if we can understand each other,
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Speaker 1: and let's see if we can move towards some kind
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Speaker 1: of resolution, some kind of understanding, some kind of awareness,
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Speaker 1: some kind of positive strategy. Because I've asked a different question,
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Speaker 1: I've been present, I've been genuinely curious. My next tip is,
18:50
Speaker 1: and this is hard because we do this unconsciously, and
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Speaker 1: so this is an exercise in self awareness for you
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Speaker 1: also and me of course, is don't see confirmation for
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Speaker 1: your own worldview. So rather than trying to get an
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Speaker 1: answer that suits you or fits your narrative or validates
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Speaker 1: your pre existing beliefs or idea or theology or philosophy
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Speaker 1: or whatever it is, rather than doing that, just be
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Speaker 1: present and just listen. Be open to learning, be open
19:26
Speaker 1: to even having to change your own thinking. So many
19:32
Speaker 1: times when I have entered into an interaction with somebody
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Speaker 1: thinking I knew something that I actually didn't. Thinking I
19:44
Speaker 1: understood what was going on about a particular problem or
19:49
Speaker 1: topic or issue or challenge. I thought I understood what
19:53
Speaker 1: was going on, But then as I started to ask
19:56
Speaker 1: more questions and I endeavored to understand than the person
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Speaker 1: and their thinking and their backstory, and they're they're in
20:03
Speaker 1: the moment reality, their version of Now. I realized that
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Speaker 1: I wasn't getting the whole picture. I realized that I
20:11
Speaker 1: was somewhere between a little bit mistaken and completely wrong.
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Speaker 1: And how good is that? How good is it to
20:21
Speaker 1: be wrong and to know that you're wrong and to
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Speaker 1: be okay with getting it wrong? To me, that is
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Speaker 1: a real sign of maturity, That is a real sign
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Speaker 1: of I actually just want to be the best version
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Speaker 1: of me. I really want to evolve and grow and learn.
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Speaker 1: And if that means I've got to acknowledge all the
20:42
Speaker 1: dumb shit that I get wrong, or all the mistakes
20:44
Speaker 1: that I make, if that means that I've got to
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Speaker 1: unlearn something and relearn something else, because what that means
20:52
Speaker 1: is I'm now more concerned with learning about the truth
20:58
Speaker 1: than i am with being right. If my priority is
21:03
Speaker 1: to be right, then I'm operating in ego, arrogance and insecurity.
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Speaker 1: There's no humility. There, there's no love, there, there's no kindness,
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Speaker 1: there's no curiosity. I'm being driven by a need to
21:18
Speaker 1: be right, to have my views or ideas, my worldview
21:22
Speaker 1: endorsed or supported, to be validated, and to be honest.
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Speaker 1: This is tough, and this is tough because you and
21:33
Speaker 1: I we don't like being wrong. I don't like being wrong,
21:39
Speaker 1: but I'm okay with being wrong. And as I get older,
21:46
Speaker 1: I'm more and more okay with being wrong, and I'm
21:49
Speaker 1: more and more okay with saying I'm wrong because me
21:52
Speaker 1: being wrong means I'm now learning something that's closer to
21:57
Speaker 1: the truth, or perhaps more empowering, or perhaps it's been validated.
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Speaker 1: But when I'm in that mindset, when I'm in that
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Speaker 1: worldview of I'm right, then I'm also saying, well, automatically,
22:12
Speaker 1: the person in front of me, if they don't agree
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Speaker 1: with me, then they're wrong. That's not a good way
22:17
Speaker 1: to understand anyone. That's not a good way to build
22:20
Speaker 1: rapport or connection. And so number my next one is
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Speaker 1: I think number five is assume as little as possible. Again, hard, hard,
22:33
Speaker 1: because you know, we we have preconceptions hardwired into our brain,
22:43
Speaker 1: like and they make us biased before we fucking begin.
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Speaker 1: Like starting with a blank slate, a metaphoric blank slate
22:53
Speaker 1: or clean slate or a you know, a clean canvas,
22:57
Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it, and letting their words
23:01
Speaker 1: and actions guide your understanding is easy to say, but
23:05
Speaker 1: hard to do. And so you know that there are
23:10
Speaker 1: we all do this. If you're walking down the street
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Speaker 1: and you see, I don't know, I'm not even going
23:16
Speaker 1: to describe anything, but you see a certain person who
23:18
Speaker 1: looks a certain way or is a certain way, or
23:22
Speaker 1: you know, maybe maybe I won't get in trouble if
23:24
Speaker 1: I say, there's some dude and he seems to be
23:26
Speaker 1: staggering all over the footpath coming towards you, and you
23:30
Speaker 1: might assume, and it's getting towards dusk, and it's a
23:33
Speaker 1: bit dark, and the guy that appears to be drunk
23:37
Speaker 1: is also quite large, and you know whatever, you might assume. Well,
23:43
Speaker 1: this could be dangerous, you might assume. And by the way,
23:46
Speaker 1: you could be right, or you could be totally wrong.
23:48
Speaker 1: It could be something else that's going on all together.
23:51
Speaker 1: But the truth is that we all have preconceived ideas,
23:55
Speaker 1: and we all have expectations, and we've all had experiences,
23:59
Speaker 1: all of us which shape how we view everything. My
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Speaker 1: next one is pay attention to and this is not
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Speaker 1: a revelation. There's a whole science to this. In fact,
24:16
Speaker 1: there was God. There was a show called Lie to Me.
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Speaker 1: What was that guy's name cal lightmankel Lightman was the
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Speaker 1: character in the show called Lie to Me. I think
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Speaker 1: it was called that, and it was all about this
24:28
Speaker 1: was based on a real world character who I don't
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Speaker 1: have it in front of me. I'm pretty sure his
24:34
Speaker 1: name was Paul Eckman, who developed this whole science of
24:37
Speaker 1: being able to read facial expressions and body language and
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Speaker 1: micro expressions, and you know, and that's been questioned some
24:45
Speaker 1: of that science. But anyway, the bottom line is that
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Speaker 1: people's physiology, you know, their body language, the tone of voice,
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Speaker 1: the cadence of their speaking, the micro expressions, the more
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Speaker 1: macro facial expressions. You know, how quickly or slowly someone's breathing,
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Speaker 1: or you know, all of these things that are not
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Speaker 1: actually words. They're still messages, they are still information. They
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Speaker 1: all of those those non word things are still talking
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Speaker 1: to you, but in a different way. I often sit
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Speaker 1: down with somebody who has heard one hundred or two
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Speaker 1: or five hundred episodes my show, or they've read a book,
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Speaker 1: or they've read multiple books, and they've listened to podcasts
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Speaker 1: and they've seen me at live events. And then I'll
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Speaker 1: sit down with that person and I can tell that
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Speaker 1: that person is uncomfortable or nervous or anxious or you
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Speaker 1: know whatever. Not everyone, of course, but some people, and
25:51
Speaker 1: they don't need to be. They don't need to say
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Speaker 1: to me, Hey, Craig, I'm uncomfortable, I'm awkward, I'm intimidated,
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Speaker 1: I'm anxious, And not that I want them to be,
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Speaker 1: of course I don't want. But does does anybody ever
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Speaker 1: sit in front of me and tell me without actually
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Speaker 1: telling me that they're uncomfortable or feel awkward? Or they do?
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Speaker 1: And so then it's in my interest. Then it's in
26:14
Speaker 1: my interest to take that on board and to understand,
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Speaker 1: to try to understand that my experience orbeit comfortable and
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Speaker 1: feeling safe and feeling confident and competent, my experience in
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Speaker 1: this moment at the table with this other human being
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Speaker 1: is definitely not their experience. And so I try to
26:34
Speaker 1: look at this moment or experience this moment through their lens,
26:38
Speaker 1: through their mindset, through their emotional state. And when I
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Speaker 1: do my best to do that, at the very least,
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Speaker 1: I open the awareness door and the empathy door, and
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Speaker 1: I'm more likely to create connection than disconnection, and engagement
26:53
Speaker 1: than disengagement. So read the nonverbal cues So next suggestion
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Speaker 1: for understanding other people is to try to understand their
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Speaker 1: values and their priorities, like what matters to them? What
27:09
Speaker 1: matters to them? So what matters to me, has a
27:14
Speaker 1: single bloke who lives a certain life and does certain
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Speaker 1: things practically, what matters to me day to day? Or
27:21
Speaker 1: what my values are or what I focus on or
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Speaker 1: what my to do list looks like, or what I
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Speaker 1: need to manage or you know, what I need to
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Speaker 1: factor in to have a good day. Whatever that means.
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Speaker 1: That's going to be quite different for most people, because
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Speaker 1: most people are not me, And so in order for
27:37
Speaker 1: me to be able to understand others, it's crucial that
27:40
Speaker 1: I try to have some insight into what are their priorities, Like,
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Speaker 1: what is it that matters to them in this moment?
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Speaker 1: What matters to them in terms of the micro and
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Speaker 1: the macro of their life, time, money, relationships, What is
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Speaker 1: success to them? Like? What is there to do list
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Speaker 1: look like day? In terms of this conversation or this interaction?
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Speaker 1: What is important? Because the things that really matter to me,
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Speaker 1: they don't matter to lots of other people. And that's
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Speaker 1: not right or wrong or good or bad, And I'm
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Speaker 1: not better or worse, and they're not better or worse.
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Speaker 1: But I'm not them and they're not me, And so
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Speaker 1: for me to understand how they think and who they are,
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Speaker 1: I also need to know what really matters to people,
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Speaker 1: because when I understand what matters to them, then I
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Speaker 1: can I know how to navigate a conversation, or I
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Speaker 1: know how to create a plan with them, or I
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Speaker 1: know what questions to ask and I know where to go.
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Speaker 1: But if I assume that what matters to me also
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Speaker 1: matters to them, and some of those things might overlapp
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Speaker 1: and be very synergistic, but some of them might be
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Speaker 1: quite different, quite divergent. That is, you know, what really
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Speaker 1: is important to them as not to me, and even
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Speaker 1: you know, the funny thing about this is also like
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Speaker 1: even what matters to think about what matters to you
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Speaker 1: today in twenty twenty five. Well, as I record this,
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Speaker 1: it's twenty twenty five. Some things that really mattered to
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Speaker 1: you ten years ago might not matter to you so
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Speaker 1: much now because you've changed and your values have changed
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Speaker 1: and your priorities have changed. And maybe the things that
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Speaker 1: you thought don't matter so much five years ago they
29:23
Speaker 1: matter more now. Or maybe the things that you thought
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Speaker 1: were super important when you were twenty two. Now you're like,
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Speaker 1: why the fuck that I think that mattered at all? Right,
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Speaker 1: So there's understanding ourselves on that level. But perhaps more
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Speaker 1: importantly in the context of this particular situation, in understanding
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Speaker 1: others is to understand what matters to them, because when
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Speaker 1: you know what matters to them, then you can build
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Speaker 1: that rapport with them. My next idea is to seems
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Speaker 1: almost counterintuitive, but to really try to pay attention to
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Speaker 1: what they're not saying. Sometimes there are obvious holes in
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Speaker 1: the conversation and a few times, in fact, i'll give
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Speaker 1: you an example. So recently, I was helping a recently
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Speaker 1: young guy in his thirties, and I'd coached him probably
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Speaker 1: about a dozen times, and what I noticed was what
30:23
Speaker 1: I noticed was whenever I got anywhere near talking about
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Speaker 1: his dad, he would he would change the direction of
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Speaker 1: the conversation, or he would be evasive, or he would
30:38
Speaker 1: be flippant. And I kind of got that that he
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Speaker 1: didn't want to talk about that, which is fine, But
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Speaker 1: I also I also thought that there was something there
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Speaker 1: that was for him, you know, problematic, and this was
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Speaker 1: you know, this was there was some psychological and emotional
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Speaker 1: stuff there that probably not necessarily with me, but at
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Speaker 1: some stage to be at least spoken about or addressed
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Speaker 1: or you know, because there was and there was, there
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Speaker 1: was stuff going on there. So one day I said
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Speaker 1: to him, and this is not too long ago, I
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Speaker 1: said to him, look, this is what I think I
31:16
Speaker 1: could be. I'm going to say this once and then
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Speaker 1: I'm not going to bring it up again unless you
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Speaker 1: want to bring it up now. He'd never said to
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Speaker 1: me I've had issues with my dad, or I hate
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Speaker 1: my dad, or but it was just an obvious thing
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Speaker 1: that never was spoken about. When we're talking about all
31:32
Speaker 1: of these variables around his life and his background, his
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Speaker 1: story and his past and future and current story, and
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Speaker 1: you know where he is and how he is and
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Speaker 1: why he is the way he is. And I said,
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Speaker 1: I think there's something there. I think there's a real
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Speaker 1: story there that you are understandably uncomfortable with, and without
31:55
Speaker 1: going too far into it, and I said, if you
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Speaker 1: want to talk about that now, now might be an opportunity.
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Speaker 1: And I said, and of course you don't have to,
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Speaker 1: and I won't bring it up again if you don't
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Speaker 1: want to, but I might suggest that even though you
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Speaker 1: don't want to, maybe you need to. So that opened
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Speaker 1: the door for a cascade of a waterfall of emotions
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Speaker 1: and words and a couple of hugs from Harps. But
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Speaker 1: it was now, I'm not saying you should always do
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Speaker 1: that or like for me, it was really about timing.
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Speaker 1: I just thought I built rapport with him and trust
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Speaker 1: with him, and you know, I guess a kind of
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Speaker 1: friendship with him, and I just felt that I was
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Speaker 1: at a point where I could probably say that without
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Speaker 1: pissing him off, and it turned out really well. It
32:53
Speaker 1: doesn't always turn out really well. Sometimes somebody might shut
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Speaker 1: you down because they don't want to, or they're not ready.
32:59
Speaker 1: They may never be ready, and that's okay as well.
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Speaker 1: But when we're talking about building rapport and connection and trust,
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Speaker 1: when we're talking about working with people and whatever capacity,
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Speaker 1: when we're talking about understanding who they are and how
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Speaker 1: they are, especially for me as a coach or a
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Speaker 1: mentor's and I'm trying to help somebody move through some
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Speaker 1: emotional and psychological barriers, but there's a big thing that
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Speaker 1: we're not addressing. Then it's in my interest in there's
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Speaker 1: sometimes to be able to for me to be able
33:29
Speaker 1: to read between the lines, for me to be able
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Speaker 1: to listen to what they're not saying, for me to
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Speaker 1: be able to kind of figure out that perhaps there's
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Speaker 1: an important thing here that the door is closed on,
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Speaker 1: and maybe we'll just try and open it a little bit. Alright,
33:47
Speaker 1: it we'll do one more for the moment. I might
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Speaker 1: come back and revisit this topic one day, just because
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Speaker 1: I think it's really relevant. But my last one is two.
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Speaker 1: Be aware of your own window. That is your version
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Speaker 1: of reality, the window through which you view the world.
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Speaker 1: The window that is essentially a composition or an accumulation
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Speaker 1: of your beliefs and your experience, and your ideas and
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Speaker 1: your likes and dislikes, and your bias and your assumptions,
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Speaker 1: and your education, and all of the ideas and people
34:25
Speaker 1: and things and experiences that you've been exposed to from
34:30
Speaker 1: you know, when you were born until now listening to this.
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Speaker 1: They shape who you are and how you are. Of course,
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Speaker 1: your genetic shape that, but the biggest factor in terms
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Speaker 1: of how you think and how you process the world,
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Speaker 1: and how you communicate, and how you see yourself and
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Speaker 1: how you see others, The biggest component of that is
34:49
Speaker 1: really where you've been and what you've seen that is
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Speaker 1: your experiences, relationships in school and media and social media
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Speaker 1: and events, and all of those things are until now.
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Speaker 1: And so it's really it's difficult to do, but again
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Speaker 1: it's an exercise in self awareness, but is to do
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Speaker 1: our very best, remembering that your reality, the reality that
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Speaker 1: is your thinking and your beliefs and your values and
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Speaker 1: your emotions. Right now as you listen to these words,
35:23
Speaker 1: your reality is subjective. It is only the experience you're
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Speaker 1: having now, in this moment, as you hear these words,
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Speaker 1: the experience you're having will be had by no one
35:33
Speaker 1: else because it's yours alone. And so when we open
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Speaker 1: the door, and this is a little bit of a
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Speaker 1: headfuck on this idea of an objective reality, a reality
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Speaker 1: bigger than ours, or a high level of awareness or consciousness.
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Speaker 1: And as I've said before, like the beginning of consciousness
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Speaker 1: and opening the consciousness door is recognizing our lack of consciousness,
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Speaker 1: how unaware we are of everything other than our own
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Speaker 1: thoughts and our own version of reality. But when we
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Speaker 1: sit in front of somebody and we know in that
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Speaker 1: moment that they're not looking through our window, that they
36:13
Speaker 1: don't necessarily share our beliefs or ideas or assumptions that
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Speaker 1: they don't have our worldview, and we're more interested in
36:23
Speaker 1: trying to sneak away from our own window and have
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Speaker 1: a glimpse through their window, then we really open the
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Speaker 1: door on that possibility of understanding. Remember, understanding, not necessarily
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Speaker 1: agreeing or aligning or even liking, but just understanding. Alright, ey, team,
36:42
Speaker 1: I will leave you with that. I hope you have
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Speaker 1: a good day. Don't forget my mentoring program starts pretty soon.
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Speaker 1: Still got a few spots February three. Soon as I
36:53
Speaker 1: record this anyway, by the time you hear it could
36:56
Speaker 1: be done and dusted. But February three, twenty twenty five,
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Speaker 1: ten week Men Touring program got to Craig Harper dot net.
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Speaker 1: If you feel so inclined to check it out. Enjoy
37:07
Speaker 1: your day,