Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Making Hard Decisions - Should I Stay Or Should I Leave?

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Making Hard Decisions - Should I Stay Or Should I Leave? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from the wave to wave support to wave alive and love completely alive with your deepest design to have your own.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and life that lights up for all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is all about making hard decisions, and one of the hardest decisions anyone will have to make is whether to stay or leave a long-term relationship or a marriage.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where we're going to focus today.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: But all of these tips, everything I talk about in this episode, really applies to any type of difficult decision.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess to start with, I just wanted to touch base about connection because connection is one of the key components of being a human.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: We all crave it, we all seek it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess way back in in evolutionary terms, connection and belonging were quite literally matters of life and death.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, while it's still something, well it is still something that we crave as human beings.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you're not feeling connection?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: What if you're not feeling it in your closest, most intimate partnership?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if your need for connection is not being met in your life, especially in your partnership, your relationship, or your marriage?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not, then that's when you have some big hard decisions to make.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Connection is actually a core value of mind.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's also, as I said, a core component of the human experience, and that's why making hard decisions about leaving a relationship feel really, really difficult.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's putting yourself in a position where you are potentially removing yourself from connection, but then again, then again, so is remaining in a space, remaining in a relationship, remaining in an experience where you just don't feel seen, you don't feel heard, you don't feel held.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So even though connection is no longer strictly vital to our very survival, it is still vital to our life, to our joyful, meaningful lived experience as human beings.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So when you find yourself turning in circles in that same old spot, asking the same questions on loop, wondering whether it's time this time to finally call it quits on your marriage or your relationship, feeling stuck in and overwhelmed by that just inability to make a decision.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really lonely and painful place.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're worried about hashtag all the things, you're worried about money and financial independence and how you might fund a single income life.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You might be worried about where you live, whether can you or should you keep the family house?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Would you have to relocate or downsize?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got kids, you are more than likely worried about the impact on the kids.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: What happens for your kids if you choose to stay versus what the impact would be on them should you choose to leave?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Then for many, I know there's concern about upsetting, disappointing, or potentially losing relationships with both friends and extended family.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's that real concern about being isolated, ostracised, disconnected, even beyond that intimate partner relationship, disconnection that that is wider and broader than that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's the likelihood that a decision to leave will create a massive shift and change in your life and your lifestyle.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might be wondering about your work and your career, would you have to change, up-level or downgrade your work and your work life as a single parent or a co-parent as a single woman?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can be worried about who gets what, including, you know, the dog.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might be worried that if you do choose to leave at this age and stage, you'll be alone forever and never find anyone, never find love again.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then there is the real possibility, the questions that you're asking about whether it's whether the potential is there to recreate or rejuvenate your relationship, to do your own healing as an individual, to do healing as a couple and potentially reconnect.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: For many of my clients, they're worried that they'll regret staying, but equally worried they'll regret leaving.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so making really hard decisions.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It comes down to making a really hard decision.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And making hard decisions is loaded.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's loaded with all the expectation.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Our own expectation, our expectation of others, of society, of our family, all that conditioning, all the stories, all the reasons, all the bullshit that we tell ourselves, all the shoulds, all those boxes that should be ticked by this stage, whatever stage it is, you're in whatever stage you're in of life now, all those boxes that you think you should have ticked, and so it becomes just so huge, so massive, and so big in your mind.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to ask you, if you're in this position, what is it that you need to let go of?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to shed to stand back in your power, to stand in your truth, to be able to make the hard decision that you know you need to make?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to shed?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: The really big reason we find it difficult to make hard decisions is simply that any decision, whatever decision, feels final.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And while while they that may not be strictly true, since I think almost all decisions have some degree of flexibility or potential for reversal, a decision feels final, and when something feels final, we're dealing then with fear, fear of consequences, and all of this, all of this stuff loaded into the bucket, this is what causes the overwhelm and the indecision fatigue, that inability to step out of the headlights, like you're a deer in headlights, to step out of the headlights and just choose.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But all the time, all the energy spent in the holding pattern, in the toing and frowing, in the headlights of indecision, that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and stressful.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that back and forth, that tug of war around making a decision actually causes far more stress than dealing with the consequences once we have actually chosen a particular course of action.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, meanwhile, too, all of that to and froing, all of that self-doubt further erodes your confidence, it leaches away your self-trust, and it and that feeds on itself, keeping you stuck in the holding pattern of fear and doubt and questioning.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not going to minimize it.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be really honest here because making a decision, a really big decision, like maybe a should I stay or should I go decision is a big deal.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy and it's not black and white.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so here are some of the key things that I see with my clients and in my community all the time that impact their capacity to choose, their capacity to make a clear decision.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, that there's no one obviously right path, particularly when the relationship or the marriage isn't inverted in inverted commas that bad, that it's just not lighting you up fully.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's guilt about divorcing a nice guy or a nice person, and the way out doesn't seem clear.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're not you're just not sure what the next best step is.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one obvious path.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, other times, if there's been a significant betrayal, an infidelity, a really, really powerful breakdown of trust, there is a clear path.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're dancing in that, you know, it's not bad, it's just not great space, it's really hard to see one obvious right path.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is, as I touched on before, it's a life-changing decision.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know this decision will be life-changing, and not just for you.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to change life for your partner, for your kids if you have kids, for friends, for family.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a big F-bomb deal to leave a long-term relationship, to leave a marriage, to leave what you once believed was your happy ever after.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever your personal circumstances, this decision is a life changer.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so, of course, the state the stakes seem particularly high because they are.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, fact perhaps for you it's the money and the financial impact, maybe it's all about the kids and how it will affect them.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're worried about what it means, as I said earlier, for your work life, your friendships, your capacity to retire.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's also tied up with hopes and dreams.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's about releasing yourself from a particular story, a particular pathway.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choosing a fork.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're at a fork in the road.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choosing one fork or the other.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a life-changing decision.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Stating the obvious there, but it is.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: The third big thing that I see that comes up is fear.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: There is so much that's unknown and out of your capacity to hold or to control how your partner will react and respond if you're the one announcing this decision.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all of the things you're worried about that I mentioned above, you know, money, where you live, all of that stuff.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, fear of the unknown keeps you in this holding pattern.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And fear of making the wrong choice or fear of living with regret.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's interesting, I think, that the word decide comes from the Latin decider.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that pronunciation is correct, but it's D-E-C-I-D-E-R-E, which is actually a combination of two words in Latin, D, meaning off, and sedere or cadere pronunciation, don't know, but that means cut.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So to decide does literally mean to cut ourselves off from other options or other pathways, and that that's scary.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping outside comfort zone and choosing something that means by necessity we kind of cut ourselves off from another pathway, albeit maybe only temporarily, you know.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, most decisions are reversible, but we cut ourselves off, and by necessity that means we need to embrace fear, and that's hard and it can be lonely, but it can also be liberating.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, sitting in that indecision, sitting in the holding pattern, feeling stuck, feeling overwhelmed, sitting in procrastination is painful and it's exhausting, and quite frankly, it's unhealthy.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's unhealthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and it's not doing your relationship any favors either.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are if you are faced with making a hard decision, here are some of the ways that I lead clients through this process.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Some ways to help you step forward and help you step out of the holding pattern.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, listen to your body and to your intuition.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Take some quiet time to yourself, ask yourself the hard question and think about one of the options.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you feel that response in your body?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: What is that response trying to tell you?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with how each option feels in your body without trying to shift it or change it, minimize it, repress it, judge it, whatever.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just allow it.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then just listen in.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Trust your inner knowing and your into in any intuition.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that that our gut feeling, that inner knowing, your bodily reaction to different options really often, very often, very often, leads us to make a decision that is actually aligned with our best interests, even before our brain, our mind can kick in, even before we're consciously aware of the reasons underlying the gut feeling.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: So leaning in and listening to your body, to your emotions, to your gut feeling is a really powerful indicator of what your best decision is.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I do say your best decision because everyone's is going to be different, everyone's is going to be unique.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: What's best for someone else is not necessarily your best decision.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: So lean in and listen to your body.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Try and shut out all the noise.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Try and shut out everybody else's opinions, thoughts, ideas, and just lean in and listen to you and your body.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Next step or next process part of the process, accept the outcome.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Owning yourself isn't easy.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself isn't easy.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been listening to previous podcast episodes, I talk about that.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about choosing yourself and owning your truth.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you decide, whichever option you choose, there will be things that are shifted and changed.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Other people react and respond.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Other people will be triggered and activated.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: They might be shocked or surprised, disappointed, upset.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Making a hard decision means you need to be prepared to accept the outcome and to accept that some of that will be beyond your capacity to control.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be beyond your ability to hold.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Other people might be hurt, things will be different.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Accept the outcome.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Accept that you might disappoint or upset people if you hold to your truth.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Accept that choosing yourself over what's expected, what's accepted, over the conditioning, it's going to rattle some cha some cages and it's going to shift and change things for others as well as for you.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Some people might not agree with your decision.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Accept the outcome.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And accept that holding to what's right for you is more important than keeping, particularly keeping others comfortable.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you need to accept that holding to your own truth is going to be uncomfortable for you, even just in the short to medium term.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Next part of the process or next step that you can try is to play the best worst scenario.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Play the best case scenario, worst case scenario game.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what's the absolute best thing that could happen if you made decision A?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: List out all the things, list out all the best things that could possibly happen if you chose A.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then consider the worst thing that could happen.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen if you made decision A?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now once you've got that worst case scenario decision in your head, ask and then what?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you've answered that for yourself, ask it again, and then what?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Keep going with this process of and then what until you've exhausted the options, or you get to a really simple kind of or simple like nothing kind of a response or a realization that what you're most scared of, what you're most fearing, the thing that you think is the worst possible thing isn't actually all that bad.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now this can be super helpful if, like me, you're prone to a little bit of disaster tripping or catastrophizing.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: What is the absolute worst thing that could happen and go down the rabbit hole?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Worst, worst, and then what, and then what?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And really, is that all that bad?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is it all that bad?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe it is, but just maybe.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Next, you flip it and you ask, what's the best and worst scenario that could happen if you made decision B and you follow the same process.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best thing that could happen here?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's the worst thing?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Next, try and create some distance from the decision.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Try and let go of what you think you should do, or of what someone else thinks you should do.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Try and let go of the stories you're telling yourself, the limits you're placing on yourself and on the future, on the possibilities.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of the terrible things that you think might happen, could happen, the bad, the way, the bad way things might turn out, and just imagine every possibility.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Go big, go deep, go wide, go a little bit crazy.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: What are all the possibilities?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Think outside the box and think beyond the stories that you've been told or the things that you believe.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Think outside the box to all possibilities.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because our mind will try and keep us in a box.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: It tries to keep us safe in our comfort zone.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you expand your thinking to outside of the box, beyond your comfort zone, you just might come up with an idea, a solution, a concept, a strategy to move yourself forward that is not limited by story.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Another way to create distance from your decision is to future trip, to imagine yourself in 10, 20, 30 years' time, and to imagine what that future version of you would wish you have to wish you'd decided.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: What would a future version of yourself, that older, wiser, more experienced life experienced version of you, advise you to choose?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: If she could sit down with you right now, what would future you whisper in your ear?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Think, you know, think in years, as I said, 10, 20, 30 years, not days.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Think 10, 20, 30 years time, how much will you regret decision A?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or how much will you regret not making decision A in that future time?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Which is the choice that best serves who you want to be and how you want to be living and showing up for yourself and showing up in your life in 10, 20, or 30 years time.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Which decision steps you closer to the version of yourself and the life you most want to create and carve out for your future?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Make that create that decision a little bit of distance from yourself, create some distance from the decision by taking yourself into the future.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Work out what's holding you back.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this goes hand in hand with creating some distance because part of creating some distance is to actually work out what's holding you back.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a quote from Dr.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sonia Friedman, who's an author.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't like where you are in life, there comes a time when you must give up the part of yourself that's holding you back, the part of you that's holding yourself back.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: So work out what's holding you back.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: What limiting beliefs are getting in your way?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: What limiting beliefs are getting in your way of making this big hard decision?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you hold limiting beliefs about what it means to be single, and those beliefs are keeping you from accessing your full potential or finding the courage you need to leave a relationship that deep down you know is no longer right for you, or maybe it never was.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're telling yourself stories or you have limiting beliefs about your worthiness to be in a happy, healthy, connected, fulfilling relationship where you are fully held, heard, seen.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have limiting beliefs about your lovability or your worthiness or your or what you deserve in relationship?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel that if you leave this relationship, there won't be another one.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you have a limiting belief about what it means to be committed, what it means to be married, that it is forever, it's sacrosanct, and perhaps that in it involves sacrifice and you know this is just how it is.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So think about the limiting beliefs that you hold about relationship and love and nurture.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Think about limiting beliefs that are keeping you whole held in this overwhelm, in this indecision, that are keeping you in the holding pattern.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now recognizing how limiting beliefs are showing up for you, the limiting beliefs that you hold about relationships are showing up for you does not mean you have to blow it all up and walk away.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Limiting beliefs impact all of us, all of our relationships and and connections in all sorts of ways.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can come to understand what yours are, raise them up to the surface, shine the light on them, unpack them and release yourself from them, then the power they have over your relationship, whichever decision you make, is removed.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: So working out what yours are and how they show up and how they are informing your decision or your indecision, the way you relate, the way you're co creating a relationship, can be a really risky.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Really powerful shift and can help absolutely step you forward out of the holding pattern.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: The next and probably the biggest one is silencing the shoulds and sitting with the fear.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing space to sit with the indecision, allowing time and space to silence those shoulds and sit in or accept the fear because you can't, no matter how much you would like to, you cannot just squash the fear down and pretend it doesn't exist.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot squash those voices, those shoulds down and pretend they don't exist.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: You have to allow, accept, sit with, and then ultimately move through the fear, as crap as that is.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And silencing the I should narrative is huge.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's ingrained, it's so deeply conditioned in us, particularly as women, that you know, all the I shoulds, silencing that narrative is massive.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing the fear to show up, allowing it to exist, to be present and part of the story, but without letting it drive the bus or even steer the bus, be the navigator, is is huge.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are all conditioned by our upbringing, by our family of origin, our culture, our previously previous lived experience.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: We all carry stories and baggage that are that inform our mindset and and and therefore steer our choices.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: So what are yours?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing and recognizing them is the first step.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: How are these stories showing up in your life and in your decision making?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what fears are they tri what fears are they triggering?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Are you making a decision because it's what you're supposed to do?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Are you making a decision because it's what you should do?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or have you worked out what it is you really want and what the outcomes you want for yourself?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: But then the yeah, but voices pop up.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've you really want to choose path A, but then a voice in your head says, yeah, but that's your inner critic.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's your inner critic popping up and trying really hard to keep you in that safe space, keep you in the space that's known, inside the lines, and keeping you small and safe and in your comfort zone.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's a fear-based voice.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: So work on taming or calming your inner critic, and you have another episode about that.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, releasing yourself from those shoulds, you know.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I should choose this because I should do X, Y, or Z, or I should not do X, Y, or Z.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's also really easy in this space to get pulled into making decisions or choices that are rooted in other people's expectations of what you should do, rather than we go back right to that first thing I said, which is lean into your intuition, trust your gut.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: So shaking off the shoulds is is in part about leaning back into self-trust, leaning back into intuition and your own knowing of what is right for you, getting underneath the fear and the stories and the shoulds.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: You might also need to prepare yourself to quiet or silence the outer critics as well as working on your inner critic.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well-meaning friends and family, darling, well-meaning loved ones who will share their opinion of what you should in inverted commas do or not do.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you may need to gently remind them that you know the disaster story that they're wanting to share about divorce, separation, single life is not actually helpful or supportive.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might need to simply silence your own version of what you think they're gonna say before they've even said it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because they may not ever.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: The stuff that you're telling yourself that they're gonna tell they're gonna say, they might not ever say that.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: They might not ever share that.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: But you will most certainly, in fact, 99.99999% certain am I that you will need to sit with your fear to make friends with and sit with fear.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Change, big choices, hard decisions, trigger our fears, and it goes right back to what I said in the very opening of this episode.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's about connection, it's about a fear of being disconnected, ostracized, left unloved.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: So all the what-ifs, all the worries, all the fear really comes down to being afraid of not being loved, not being connected, being disconnected, being left, not being chosen.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace your fear.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with your fear, allow your fear, recognize it, explore it, get underneath it, let it rise, let it part of be part of the story, but don't submit, don't be consumed by it.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to show up and be seen, but don't allow it to be the driver.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're hardwired as humans to seek connection, yes, and also certainty.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're hardwired to seek pleasure and to avoid pain.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're hardwired to stay in our comfort zone and avoid discomfort.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it's this, and it's this deep-seated desire for connection and certainty that can keep us in that holding pattern.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Too scared to leave, but also too frightened, too afraid to be vulnerable.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: I always find it hard to say that, vulnerable enough to ask our partner for what we most need and desire in the relationship.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: So recognizing this deep-seated, hardwired desire for connection for certainty, you can then practice becoming your own certainty, leaning into self-trust, knowing that you have your own back regardless of a relationship, regardless of the status of the relationship, regardless of what you decide, whether you decide to stay or go.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that a relationship is a bonus, not a primary need for your certainty, for your connection, because you're connected to yourself.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're connected back to home, you're anchored in yourself.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, procrastination.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want to touch on procrastination because the decision not to make a decision is a decision in itself.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody said this to me years ago, and I mean years ago, and it's and it's something that I've kept and held with me.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Held and kept with me.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, the decision not to make a decision is a decision in itself.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: But the flip side of that is procrastination is painful.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: So decision not to make a decision is a decision in itself, and that decision is just fine, provided you're clear that you are making a decision, that procrastination is a choice.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Something else to think about is that as humans, when we're faced with two choices, we always have a third one, and that is to decide to do nothing.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: So procrastination can be an active choice to remain undecided.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Procrastination doesn't, though, simply allow you to avoid the pain of making a decision, but it actually in becoming an active choice, it magnifies and multiplies that pain because you live the pain every moment of every day, of every week, of every month, until you get to a point where you finally decide.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: So procrastination, yes, is an option, it's an active choice.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to be an active decision, but no, if that's the decision that you're choosing, you are choosing to sit in the pain and magnify it and extend it.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: So procrastination is an option, but it comes at a cost.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: And in closing, I want you to remember that there's rarely one single black, white, right, wrong decision.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why this is so hard.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Making hard decisions is about sitting in the grey.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is about feeling the fear and choosing you anyway.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is about choosing possibility over certainty.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Remember too that ending the overwhelm means practicing courage, and it's not the other way around.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to wait, you don't need to wait until you're brave enough, courageous enough first.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to wait until you're strong enough.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: The courage will come, the bravery will come, the strength and even the self-trust and the resilience will come after.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: And underneath all of it, underneath all the procrastinating, the indecision, the toing, the throwing, is one single, small yet really big damn decision.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: The decision to stop settling, the decision to stop less settling for less than what you want, than what you dream of, than what you hope for.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's the decision that needs to be made here.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about the big hard decision.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about should I stay or should I leave.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about whether to stay and fight for heal your relationship or or call time and leave.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or not initially anyway.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: The first decision is to choose to stop settling for less than you deserve, less than you're worth, to reclaim your power and choose what you know you're most worthy of, to stand in that power and claim what you want for yourself unapologetically.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about practicing courage in the face of that fear and uncertainty.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about owning and claiming what you want for yourself.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choosing possibility over certainty.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choosing hope and your hopes and your dreams over staying small.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about choosing to go after and create that life that you most want to be living.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: So the hard decision, it's really not so hard.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because the decision here really is about choosing you.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you however that looks.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's about deciding never to stay small, hold yourself back, or tell you something, tell yourself something is okay or good enough or near enough.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's about deciding never to settle.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's about owning and claiming what you most want for yourself.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about choosing possibility over certainty.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know this is a big episode.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's a lot in it.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if this has brought up anything or all the things for you, please reach out.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm more than happy to chat in DMs.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: You already know that.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Book a complimentary freebie intro call with me.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: More than happy to chat through.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a sleazy sales call.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about connecting and sharing and me giving you some steps to take you out of the overwhelm and out of this holding pattern and get you moving forward.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's brought up anything for you, please reach out and connect with me so I can support you in your next steps on making hard decisions.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Anna Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow me on the video this episode is a weekend if it is a full email just like you can videos for free of any of us.