Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 24: The boundary for Ping Panic

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Ep 24: The boundary for Ping Panic · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the magic divorce club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey.
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
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  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's me, Hannah.
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  And today I'd like to talk about boundaries because that is our
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  January theme in
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  SPEAKER_00: the Magic Divorce Club.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I often get asked,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: whenever I put the feelers out to see what you guys are thinking about,
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  SPEAKER_00: I often get questions around what are boundaries,
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  SPEAKER_00: what are they used for,
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  SPEAKER_00: what
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  SPEAKER_00: How do I hold them without feeling like a bitch?
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  SPEAKER_00: So the good news is I am going to cover all of this next Thursday.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that's the 29th of January.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah,
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  I'll give you some really great tips for creating boundaries in
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  your life and as
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  SPEAKER_00: you're moving through your divorce.
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  Things that really helped me and things since that have really
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  helped my clients.
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  um and yeah i'll explain what they are so i'd love you to come
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  along to that and
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  i'll put the links in the show notes um but basically like i'll
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  give you a specific
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  example because sometimes it's easier to go oh right okay i
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  understand it in
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  SPEAKER_00: practice um
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  SPEAKER_00: So imagine,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you will,
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  that a message has arrived from your ex and immediately you
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  feel the panic rising.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I used to,
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  SPEAKER_00: even without even opening it,
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  just knowing there was a message would be enough to send me
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  into the beginnings of
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  SPEAKER_00: a panic attack.
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  And sometimes,
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  you know,
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  the content of the message is not always a nice one.
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  SPEAKER_00: can you get the kids at three instead of four?
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  And you're like,
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  oh my God,
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  why did I react so,
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  like,
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  why did my body respond so viscerally?
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  SPEAKER_00: Like you really felt the fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: And other times it's, it is what you feared most.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that those are the times it really sent me into a panic attack.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what,
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  is amazing is that we can get to a point where receiving a
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  message like this
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  SPEAKER_00: doesn't get to ruin your whole day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  sometimes these messages are so bad that you're still
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  processing them in the middle
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  SPEAKER_00: of the night,
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  SPEAKER_00: during the following week.
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  And I just want to say that if that is something you're
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  experiencing,
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  you are not alone.
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  This is something that comes up for both my experience and my
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  clients and,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: speaking to people in the Magic Divorce Club.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is a very common occurrence.
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  And we'll kind of,
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  you know,
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  you can go into sort of fight or flight with this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Either...
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  by responding very quickly um and maybe retaliating which we
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  all know results in
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  not necessarily them going oh you're right i am a dickhead but
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  just more abuse back
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  SPEAKER_00: um
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  SPEAKER_00: Or it can make you just want to disappear.
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  I'm going to go and run a tiki bar over in the middle of the
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  ocean somewhere.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can make you want to acquiesce and just be like,
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  SPEAKER_00: yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: whatever you need and respond with more people pleasing.
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  SPEAKER_00: All of which is, it's kind of like a trauma response.
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  SPEAKER_00: So
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  SPEAKER_00: Every time you receive something,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you're going into that,
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  like you physically feeling it in your body and then you're
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  quickly reacting,
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  SPEAKER_00: that's like,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: you're responding from this fight,
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  SPEAKER_00: flight,
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  SPEAKER_00: freeze,
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  SPEAKER_00: fawn place of the brain because you just don't feel safe.
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  So if that is something that you're experiencing and that
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  sounds familiar,
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  this is what I would consider to be really core to like the
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  calm first boundary
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  SPEAKER_00: work.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we will go into this so much more next week at the workshop.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when I say calm first,
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  I want to be really clear that this is not about being some
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  kind of Zen master and
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  SPEAKER_00: just letting everything wash over you and it's completely fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll do whatever you want because that is fawn.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is not what we're doing here.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is about protecting you,
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  SPEAKER_00: protecting your day,
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  SPEAKER_00: protecting how you show up for your kids,
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  SPEAKER_00: protecting your sleep,
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  SPEAKER_00: your money,
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  SPEAKER_00: your time.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not about giving away your power.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's actually about coming back to center and reclaiming the power.
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  SPEAKER_00: So if you think about this loop,
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  SPEAKER_00: the message arrives,
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  SPEAKER_00: your body reacts,
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  SPEAKER_00: sometimes in really extreme ways that can leave you feeling terrible.
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  SPEAKER_00: It also triggers this urgency loop in the brain like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I must respond,
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  SPEAKER_00: I need to get on top of this really quickly.
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  The loop has been opened and I need to close it immediately so
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  that it goes away.
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  And then maybe you reply too quickly or you start to spiral,
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  you know,
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  feeling worse and worse.
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  SPEAKER_00: And before we know it, you've lost the day worrying about this.
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  You're waking up in the night still worrying about it,
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  maybe even still replying in your head.
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  And,
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  you know,
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  it can tip into the rest of the week and just generally not
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  having a good time.
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  SPEAKER_00: So...
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  This is happening because your body,
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  your nervous system has basically been hijacked.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when you have this level of cortisol running through your body,
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  SPEAKER_00: you can't access the wise part of you,
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  SPEAKER_00: the steady part of you.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're just being ruled by,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  the little version of you that's scared and panicking and
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  really worried about
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  SPEAKER_00: their future.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so what I discovered over time,
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  SPEAKER_00: like having experienced exactly this,
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  SPEAKER_00: was that I needed to stop being reactive to this,
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  SPEAKER_00: to him,
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  SPEAKER_00: to the stuff that was being said,
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  SPEAKER_00: because it was getting expensive.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so through the work that I started to do to support myself,
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  SPEAKER_00: the yoga I was attending,
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  SPEAKER_00: all of that kind of stuff,
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  SPEAKER_00: I discovered that
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  SPEAKER_00: This calm first approach had to take precedence.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is, you know, it worked for me.
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  SPEAKER_00: I've been sharing it with my clients.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's working for them.
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  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm here to share it with you.
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  Like,
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  calm first is how you stop reactive,
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  expensive,
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  painful decisions in the moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: So...
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  I'd love to share like a little kind of example of what you
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  would do in this situation.
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  SPEAKER_00: The message has arrived.
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  SPEAKER_00: What I would love you to do is to pause.
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  You know,
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  before you read it again,
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  before you even consider replying,
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  give yourself 20 seconds.
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  Taking a few deep breaths and just sort of noticing where you
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  feel this message in your body.
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  SPEAKER_00: You might not have even read the message yet.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, just take a moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Notice where you feel it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Is it in your chest, your throat?
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  SPEAKER_00: Can you feel it in the pit of your stomach?
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, it might even be in your extremities.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just take a moment to notice and really feel it.
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  SPEAKER_00: You may notice you're not even in your body.
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  SPEAKER_00: So just take those few seconds to notice where it is.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then from there, you would send a few breaths to this space.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could even hold your hands there and be like, I've got you.
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  SPEAKER_00: I've got you.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is shit.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't like it either.
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  SPEAKER_00: Take a few deep breaths and then say to yourself,
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  SPEAKER_00: what's the one next step that you need to take?
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  SPEAKER_00: Chances are your nervous system will let you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: do I actually need to reply right this second?
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  SPEAKER_00: Is it a message that is about my kids, for example?
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  SPEAKER_00: Can I reply later or not at all?
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  SPEAKER_00: It might be one of those that just do not need a response.
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  And the boundary line that we have here is that you don't have
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  to respond in the moment.
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  And I will take you through so much more of what you can do in
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  these moments in the
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  SPEAKER_00: boundaries class next week.
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  So,
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  you know,
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  I've got a whole system in place for this stuff because it
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  massively affected me.
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  And I know,
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  you know,
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  some of my clients experience exactly the same thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's like a full body reaction to getting told off to,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: worrying that they're going to get it wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  And just that general underlying anxiety that something isn't
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  wrong and you're
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  SPEAKER_00: constantly searching,
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  SPEAKER_00: something isn't right,
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  SPEAKER_00: sorry,
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  SPEAKER_00: and you're constantly searching,
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  SPEAKER_00: like,
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  SPEAKER_00: what is it?
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  SPEAKER_00: What is it that is wrong?
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  SPEAKER_00: Am I about to get found out and told off of something like that?
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  SPEAKER_00: And from that place, so when you're, like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I do not have to respond immediately whilst I'm feeling triggered.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then your plan would be, you know, give yourself 10 minutes.
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  SPEAKER_00: Put your phone face down somewhere away from you.
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  SPEAKER_00: Take three deep breaths down into your belly.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feel your feet on the floor.
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  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you're in your body.
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  SPEAKER_00: Really work on bringing yourself back in,
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  SPEAKER_00: which can sound really weird,
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  SPEAKER_00: but sometimes we're so disassociated that we're kind of,
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  SPEAKER_00: our brain's almost left our body.
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  SPEAKER_00: I can't cope.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, you can write this down.
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  SPEAKER_00: What is actually being asked of me?
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  SPEAKER_00: And you decide the time container.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll look again later.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll look again tomorrow.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or just close it all together.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to respond.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
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  I'd love to hear what comes up for you when you experience this
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  kind of text from your ex.
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  SPEAKER_00: Panic.
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  SPEAKER_00: How does it feel?
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  SPEAKER_00: How do you tend to respond often?
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  SPEAKER_00: All that kind of stuff.
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  And then next week we will really cover so much more about how
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  that you can protect yourself.
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  And I'll really explain the purpose of boundaries and how you
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  can protect yourself
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  SPEAKER_00: without feeling super guilty or like a bitch.
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  and then the other thing that is coming up this week which is
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  completely free is on
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  Friday I've got this kind of office hour thing that's starting
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  at midday on Fridays
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  SPEAKER_00: and we will be specifically looking at that kind of
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  x has texted you um the ping panic that you feel and will
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  triage your scenarios so
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  if you have examples of this and you'd like my support to work
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  out your next step
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  SPEAKER_00: then do come along um at 12 o'clock on friday
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 13:42
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 13:50
  everything that you
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.