Latest / The Madison Church Podcast / Cultivating Trustworthy Environments in Faith and Friendships

Transcript

Cultivating Trustworthy Environments in Faith and Friendships · The Madison Church Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to our online audience.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Stephen Feith, lead pastor.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: One of the heaviest phrases that we say as people, regardless of what language you speak most of you here, english is your first language.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: But even if you speak other languages one of the heaviest phrases that we say is just trust me.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: We say it very casually oh yeah, just trust me.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: We tell our kids just trust me.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We tell our spouses just trust me.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: We tell our friends just trust me.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: We tell our kids just trust me.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: We tell our spouses just trust me.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Tell our friends just trust me.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: But have you ever considered there's a ton of weight in that ask?
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: It carries an expectation.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: It says believe in me, have confidence in me.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: It's a statement that really probes the foundations of our relationship.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: It's really testing it, because I might assume you're going to trust me and maybe you're like no, because we don't have that relationship.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of also revealing of what kind of relationship or where we stand in our relationship.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: And yet let's not be ignorant here this morning.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Let's be a little self-reflective.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: I would imagine that every single person in the room watching and listening online at some point you have told somebody just trust me.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: I mean, at some point.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You're short on time, you're arguing with the kids, you were running late and they were like, well, why?
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: And you were like just trust me.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: And we've all said it.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Now, if you think back on that moment when you said just trust me and we do so humbly consider for yourself when you said it, what were the reasons that you expected somebody to trust you?
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Perhaps in my little analogy here, it's like you should trust me because I'm your parent, I'm the reason you have life, I'm the reason you're still alive today, like all of these things.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, so there's a little bit backing that up, but if you ask other people to trust you, why did you assume that they should just trust you?
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: The questions I want you to ask yourself this morning is are you trustworthy?
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: And what does that even mean?
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Because a lot of us in the room we'd say, oh yeah, of course I'm trustworthy.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: And a lot of us in the room would look around and we'd say some of you are trustworthy.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: So there's a big disconnect between how we see ourselves and how other people see ourselves, and that's what I want to talk to you all about For the purposes of our study for the next four weeks.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Let's have a common working definition of trust that is, according to the Cambridge Dictionary, trust is to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: So this is the definition of trust we're going with.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: If you looked up Webster's Dictionary, it's actually a different definition.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: This is a verb, which is why I went with it, because, as we're going through the next few weeks, I want you to think trust isn't just some idea, it's not just some belief that we have.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I want you to begin to see trust as something that we do, something that we give away and we trust people with, and something that we steward, something that we can work and build up in our own lives.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Trust involves a confident expectation a confident expectation in my reliability and in my integrity, or someone else's, or in something else.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: According to Dr Henry Cloud and he writes the book that this series is kind of bouncing off of it's called Trust.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: He says to be deemed trustworthy again, think verb here an individual needs to consistently demonstrate understanding, good motives, abilities, character and a positive track record.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: So see, being trustworthy isn't just a feeling, it's not just an idea.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: According to Dr Henry Cloud, being trustworthy is really objective, it's actionable.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: We can look at something and say, well, is that person understanding what are those person's motives, what is their character?
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: And that is what we're pushing into throughout this series.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: By understanding the dynamics of trust, we can strive to foster deeper and more meaningful connections grounded in mutual respect and reliability, and for a church that exists to connect people with God and each other, that is pretty foundational.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: It is pretty foundational.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: And then, who is this series for?
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: This is really easy.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: It's for everyone, some of you, it's for you.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: It's for those of you who claim you don't trust anyone.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I know you don't trust anyone.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I get it right, wink, wink, but you drove here today.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: So you trust some people.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: You trust that when you're driving, someone's not just going to cut across three lanes and smash you into the median.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: You trusted that this was going to be a safe place to come and experience something.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: So there's some elements of trust that you have, even if you don't trust people, and it's true, you probably do.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: If you don't trust people and it's true, you probably do if you define yourself that way trust people less than average.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: On the other side of the spectrum, though, there are some of you.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: You give away trust way too easily and you know you shouldn't, but you just keep giving it away and your experiences keep saying why do I keep doing this?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I keep trusting people I shouldn't trust and I keep getting hurt.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: And well, this series is for you also.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I want to help you kind of, maybe pull back a little bit some of your trust.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: And it's for those of you who are in the room and you say I do trust people but I can't articulate why.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: It is just a feeling or it's like after I've been friends with someone for like 10 years, I start to trust them.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Let's begin to put words to trust, which is very, very important.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: So, regardless of where you find yourself on the spectrum this morning, again, I want to go back to this idea.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: My goal for this series is to foster personal growth and deeper understanding with trust for the sake of our Christian community here at Madison Church.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's going to be practically beneficial for you too.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to think that this just benefits you here at Madison Church.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: If you're a single person, you're probably evaluating someone that you're dating, or if someone that you're potentially going to date, is this person marriage material?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: They may look good, but can you trust them to be a spouse?
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: That's something that let's talk about.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: That in this series For parents, you're navigating the complexities of kids and teenagers and boundaries.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: You're addressing behavioral issues.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I think that this series is going to offer you insights into building trust with your kids and your teenagers to better understand your own family dynamics.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: You might be in the room and you're single and you're happy with being single.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Or you're married and happy or unhappy, but you're married and kids.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: You know they're whatever.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: But for individuals who are just, I just want to work on myself.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I don't trust anyone and I recognize that's a problem.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I trust everyone and I recognize that's a problem.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: This series, I think that if we do it right, is going to better your self-esteem and help you have more fulfilling relationships, not just outside of Madison Church but inside Madison Church, and I've been praying since I started reading this book late last year, early this year, that, as we're going to do this series, and I just pray that this knowledge goes beyond, like pop psychology, that's really not my heart.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: You can read the book yourself.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: It's great.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I recommend it.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: But I really want you to begin to see the connection between trust and relationships and faith and spirituality, because all of those things are connected and if we begin to try to separate them and silo them, we're going to begin to have issues and not do all of the things that God wants us to do.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Now you might be wondering at what point did Stephen just like this book and now we're going to do a study on it?
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Why trust?
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Why are we talking about this subject of trust?
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I mean, we're at a church, it's a Sunday morning.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Why aren't we talking about prayer or the Bible, or going verse by verse through Luke, all of those things we have done in the last four months?
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: How will this help my faith?
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: And I'm glad that you're asking.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: You cannot positively cannot have a good life or realize any kind of success without trust.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: I believe that firmly.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: You cannot have a good life or realize any kind of success without trust.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: If you want a good life, if you want success, you got to trust, it's got to be there somewhere.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Trust is the linchpin in our interactions, whether with individuals or groups or churches.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Now you might not be with me here yet.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: You're like no, no, no, no, I don't have to trust to be successful.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Well, let me push back a little bit about that.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: You know that trust affects the physical development of your brain, starting when you're just a little baby.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: It affects you and so for you to have normal brain development you have to trust.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Actually, studies show that there's connections between immune system, health and function and trust, maintaining a healthy body weight and achieving different developmental milestones.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: It's all very interesting.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: That's trust.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Individuals who exhibit higher levels of trust.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: They tend to enjoy better physical health and experience fewer health problems compared to those with lower trust levels.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: In the workplace, teams with high levels of trust consistently outperform teams with lower trust.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: In our church community, at Madison Church, we can show you on paper that the small groups that are able to develop trust strong trust that they have better outcomes, that their groups, that their people are growing spiritually, they're gathering together, they're being baptized, they're turning off and they're becoming leaders within our church.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: That all starts when we can develop trust in our group.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: So it's not just good for you developmentally, it's not just good for you emotionally, it's not just good for you professionally, but again, trust is critical for you spiritually.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: So that's why we're doing the trust series here, because if we're going to be successful at our mission of connecting people with God and each other in all of the ways that we want to be, then we have to be able to foster trust in our community and it's got to extend beyond me.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It's got to come to this community.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Madison Church is the sum, it is the average of all of you we are.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Madison Church is the sum, it is the average of all of you.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: And so if we have a whole church that doesn't trust anyone, it's going to be really hard to connect people with God and each other.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And if we have a group of, and everyone trusts everyone, we are going to have a church that's too busy, being hurt and unpacking that trauma to be able to connect people with God and each other.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: But when we learn and there is a middle lane here, there is a moderation here when other but when we learn and there is a middle lane here, there is a moderation here when we learn to do this well, we can be a church, a community, that connects people with God and each other well.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: But I am not asking you this morning to just trust me.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Over the next few weeks we will prove how to evaluate whether or not someone is trustworthy and the different ways that we can trust different people in our lives.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: When we trust if you're going to only take one thing out of this talk today when we trust, we find ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, moving toward another person or another group, a business deal, a company, and what we end up doing.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: When we trust someone, we end up investing our heart and passion into it, our energy, love and even financial resources.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Trust is an absolutely fundamental aspect of human connection and societal function, and throughout this series we're going to borrow right from the book Dr Henry Cloud's framework for deciding how to trust someone and how to build trust.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And I'm not naive here.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: You can do all of the right things that we're going to talk about this week and next week and people are still going to blow your trust.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: That's kind of the disclaimer.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: If you were hoping that at the end of four weeks that we were going to have a model and all of a sudden you were never going to get hurt again, got a real bummer.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Spoiler alert we can skip right to the end here.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: That's not going to happen.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: You can do everything that we're talking about the next few weeks absolutely correct and you're still going to get hurt, but we're going to talk about that in a few weeks, when trust gets broken and how to rebuild it, or if you should rebuild it.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: With my remaining time, let's go into the five essentials of trust, which begins with understanding.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: So you're asking yourself this morning should I trust Madison Church?
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Should I trust Stephen?
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Should I trust the people in my small groups who I work with?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Who should I trust?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: It begins with understanding.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: When we understand, our brains, have less fear, when we feel like people are understanding us, there's less resistance, we tend to open up, we're a little bit more authentic, we actually listen better ourselves, we think better, we reason better, we use better judgment and we have a conversation that can actually go somewhere productive.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Understanding is so key, and this is why trust begins here.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I went to the doctor a month ago.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I've been having some side pain and I've actually been.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Understanding is so key, and this is why trust begins here.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I went to the doctor a month ago.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I've been having some side pain and I've actually been having some side pain since last fall, but I thought I'd just get better on my own and it didn't.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: So I finally go to the doctor and it was my worst nightmare.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: This is like a reoccurring theme in my life with some medical professionals.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I go in there, I sit down, I tell him what's going on and he says come on, sit on the table.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: And I understand, there's a protocol, there's rules.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I get all that he's got to feel around.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I don't care about that, but I did let him know.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I said, just so you know, touching doesn't help or hurt it, because I wish it would help it, because sometimes when it hurts, I want to rub it and help it, but it doesn't.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: And he said, okay, right, yep, nope, it doesn't, just like I said.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: And then he patted me on the knee and said, well, you're fine, well, I wouldn't be here if I was.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And so, right then, trust was lost.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: We couldn't establish, right then and there, the very first step, which was just understanding.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: It was like he wasn't listening to me, he didn't understand, he didn't even know because he didn't ask that I've actually been dealing with this since last Thanksgiving, which would probably be a relevant detail for him to ask how long has this been going on.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: But you know, I was able because I have chat GPT and I love chat GPT I was able to ask chat GPT before I went to the doctor what he should do, and so I suggested to him some next steps, which he agreed to.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: So I got some blood drawn my suggestion.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: I had an ultrasound my suggestion.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: And now I get to follow up with a GI specialist my suggestion.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: So you know, I mean like, but there's no trust, right?
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: And so basically now my relationship with this person is just sending an email just so he can say yes, so I can go around and get to the help that I need, but I'm pretty much doing this myself.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: The doctor didn't understand me and it was very discouraging.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: You guys get that.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: You guys all have been in a situation like that, where someone didn't understand you and so therefore, there's no trust.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: This is where the relationship started.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: It's also where the relationship ended.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: We're not starting from step one anymore, ground zero.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: When I have the relationship with this person, we're actually in the process now of having to rebuild trust, because the very first thing wasn't established understanding.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Now it's not just with medical offices and doctors.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to pick on anyone.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: He might have been having a bad week, a long day, whatever it might have been, but think about in your own marriage and how understanding can play a part there.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: One spouse might express frustration about feeling overburdened with the household responsibilities, and if the other spouse just kind of gaslights them, dismisses their concerns, focuses on you know, I'm at work all day and I'm doing this, this and this.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: I just need you to pull up yourself by your bootstraps and deal with it.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Well, trust gets hurt in that situation because you haven't indicated that you actually understand what's going on.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Now you might not even think about it like that, you might just be tired.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: We're having another argument and I really don't want to do the dishes, but what's happening is you're hurting trust in your relationship.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: My spouse doesn't understand me, and those things start to add up.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: It starts to add up In our small groups.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: If there's somebody in our small group who opens up about their struggle, something with faith, what they believe, something going on in their personal life, they're seeking support and they're seeking understanding.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: And if the entire group jumps to offering solutions or jumps to judgment that person I promise you have been doing this so long they shut down.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: They're never going to open up again.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: They may even just float away from our community.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Because we don't understand them.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: We've lost trust right away.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: That's why I love the Alpha Group, the Alpha Group that we do.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: It's led by Teresa and it establishes this open table where we can just throw everything out there.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: No judgment, no easy answers even if there are easy answers in some cases.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: But we're not going to do that right.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: We're just going to let this happen, and in doing so, alpha is huge in creating trust at Madison Church.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Now I want you to understand that understanding goes beyond listening.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: It is truly active listening and comprehending and empathizing with a person.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: I like what the author of Proverbs writes.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: It says fools have no interest in understanding.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: They only want to air out their own opinions.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Fools have no interest in understanding.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Don't be a fool.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Don't be a fool To build trust.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: And I don't want this to just be like how you can look at other people.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I want you to look inside yourself too.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Are you a trustworthy person?
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Going back to that very first question I asked are you a trustworthy person?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Are you somebody who understands other people?
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: Are you someone who understands other people?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: And if you're, like I need to get better at that because, honestly, I'm the person who goes to judgment or goes to offering advice right away start practicing what is called active listening.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I know you've all heard that at this point.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, active listening and being empathetic, engage fully in conversation and engage the person as a whole person.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: Don't just listen to their words, listen to their tone, watch their eyes, watch their body reactions.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: What are they doing with their hands?
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I'm watching you guys.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: When I start talking and I'm saying something and I see a bunch of people cross their arms, I start to walk back.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, they don't like what I'm saying.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: I got to change the subject.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: When I see people starting to nod off, I have to do something like throw stuff on.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: So we're looking for nonverbal cues.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: But it's not just that.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Ask for feedback.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Am I hearing you correctly?
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: This is how you feel, this is what you think, and they might tell you no, and that's great because you're building trust.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: They might say no, no, no, you didn't get it.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: They may even be angry at you for not getting it.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: They won't stay angry at you if you continue to ask questions.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: No, I really do want to understand what you're saying.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: That's why I'm asking Help me.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: And you keep doing this, and that's a way to build your understanding muscle.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: No, understanding is where we start, but it is not where we end.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: The next essential element is motive.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: This makes sense, right?
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: Somebody can understand you.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: You're at the store, you're walking by a Costco and somebody asks you own a house, do you have a basement Tornado shelter, do you have a cell phone?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Sir, they understand, they're trying to understand my living situation, but their motive is to sell me something, and so I don't trust them, right?
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: So motive is the second part.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: Motive is crucial.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Even with understanding, trust can falter if the underlying motives are questionable.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: For example, in a business setting a manager and you have probably experienced this in your work life a manager promotes someone and it wasn't based on merit.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: But the motive might have been that this is my friend and this person is going to have my back, and this person is loyal and you got passed up for a job that you were actually more qualified for and would have been better, but you weren't the kind of person to turn a blind eye to unethical behavior.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: So that's why motive is important in relationships.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: A partner might offer help and support, and if the motive is genuine care and concern, that's great.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: It'll strengthen your relationship.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: But if help is only offered with the expectation of getting something in return.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: If I'm doing the feedback, hey, tell me, am I understanding you right?
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, it's so that I can manipulate or twist or end up getting what I want.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: You've broken down trust again.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Again, going back to my own life here with this we need new gutters at our house.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: Mine are completely unfunctional right now.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: So I ended up doing this Google thing where it's like I could ask for people to email me.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: This is great.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: I mean, I can ask for them to email me to set up times to do quotes.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: So I just said yes, select all and send.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And Google ended up emailing like 15 companies for me and they all emailed me.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, that's great, let's do quotes because let's figure out everything.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: And some of them were really good.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: They came out, we listened, we talked, talked about golf, we talked about bourbon like we're just hanging.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: You know, they're understanding me.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I get the sales pitch, okay.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: And then the motive, though.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: This is where the sales pitch started to break down.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: In some cases.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: I had one guy.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: He shows up, he's there less than 10 minutes.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: Well, he says, oh, you want new gutters.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Yep, understanding.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Is there Step one of trust, I need new gutters, yep.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean we're looking at the gutters, okay, I'll get some measurements.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: You know the roof, kind of like.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe maybe we might want to look at the roof too.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, I'm really just not looking to spend like 30 grand right now, maybe just maybe just gutters.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: And he said, I kid you not, by the time he left he was there less than 10 minutes.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I had a whole entire quote for a remodel project, my whole siding windows.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: I mean he was going to bring a landscaper in.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: And the thing was like, did he understand me?
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, you need new gutters is how this conversation started.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: What was his motive?
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Well, I think the guy he must have needed new sighting himself because he was trying to push me for a really big sale.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Discerning motive, particularly in other people, it is very challenging, but it is crucial in establishing trust with other people.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: And ultimately, if you're trying, you're like how do I do this?
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Like, how do I go to work with my family?
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: How do I discern motive One?
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I just want to say it's difficult and there's not like an easy answer to that of one.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: I just want to say it's difficult and there's not like an easy answer to that, but it is a combination of careful observation what do they say?
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: What do they do?
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: What do they do?
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: What do they say?
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Active inquiry Don't just keep these thoughts to yourself.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: If you see discrepancies, you can go ahead and ask about that.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Why did you say this and why did you do this?
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: And then it's also about reflecting, though it doesn't have to just be all outside, but it is reflecting.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: We should also constantly be questioning our own motives, especially as followers of Jesus.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Paul writes if you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care he's really building this up.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Can you tell he's like?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: If you care, then do me a favor.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Don't push your way to the front.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Don't sweet-talk your way to the top.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: And this is the point.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Put yourself aside and help others get ahead.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: So this week, as you think, maybe understanding isn't where you need to grow.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: You're like.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: You know I do the active listening thing.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: I'm great, but one of the things I would challenge you all is to take time this week and really self-reflect.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: What are my motives with my relationships?
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: What are maybe some things I haven't considered, because I want my motives to not just reflect Christ but to build trust in the people around me.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Now someone may understand us, they might have the right motives, but they're still not trustworthy because they do not have the ability.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: They do not have the ability, which is the third essential element of trust.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: Do they have the capability to do what we expect them to do or what they're committing to?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Peter writes God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Use them well to serve one another.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Do you have the gift of speaking?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: Do you have the gift of helping others?
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: All glory and power to him forever and ever.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Amen.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: A lack of ability can seriously impact trust.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Think about, maybe a boss that you've had, a manager or a team lead of some kind.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Do they understand the task?
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, they understood the task.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Were their motives good?
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: Yes, but if they were incompetent and the job didn't get done or it didn't get done well, the work sucks.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Your trust in that person begins to erode.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: They're not a terrible person, but you can't trust them to do this part.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: You can't trust them.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: They don't have the abilities.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: When we find ourselves as followers of Jesus here in the room and this is all of us, it's me too when we find ourselves lacking the ability to complete a task for someone else, the best approach is just to acknowledge it honestly.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I can't do this for you.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: I can't be this person in your life.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: You just got to be honest and in doing so, that builds trust.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: What loses trust is trying to force it or act or be fake and say no, I should be able to do this, because when you can't do it, the trust gets blown.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: This is why, at Madison Church, when I meet with people and I'll meet with them a couple times and if there's something going on that they're wanting to work through, it's why I'll offer meeting with Lindsay.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: It's why we do the emotional coaching, I'll recommend therapy.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: It's not that I think you're like, oh my gosh, just so broken that I can't do anything.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: It's not that I think you're screwed up.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: It's just because I recognize my own capacity.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: I want to keep my trust that I have with you.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Honestly, I do.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: I understand you.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: I'd like to think that my motives are good, but when we're talking about something and it's getting deep, could I help you?
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: I could probably walk with you.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I could probably walk with you, but if you're looking for real healing, I'll recommend Lindsay or therapy, and in doing so I hope you realize that's not me trying to get out of your life.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: That's me trying to steward the trust that you've put in me.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm trying to say, hey, like I can walk with you, but when this thing's still a problem in three years you're going to be like man Stephen's not helping me.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: So I just want to acknowledge on the front side of three years that like I'm not that person to you, and so we get together Again.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I'd love to walk with you, but when there's true healing that needs to take place, I got to recognize not just your ability, but sometimes it's a matter of capacity.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a matter of capacity.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: And if my only part of my job here was to meet with people, my capacity would be greater.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: But there are other aspects and so I recommend it and I want to just encourage you.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: When there's someone in your life and you feel like you're already at capacity or your ability isn't there, just be honest with that person, admitting that you don't have the capacity or abilities.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Tell someone that they can trust in your character, which is the fourth element of trust.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: We're getting deeper here.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: So even in admitting that we can't do something for someone, we're showing them that our character is good.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: We understand what you need, we have the right motives.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I don't have the ability, and so our character shows If you trust someone who doesn't have good character, they might betray you.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: They understand what you're going through, they might have good motives, but if the character is toxic, they might not be able to help themselves from betraying you.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: So to determine character, it's much like some of the other things that we've talked about with motive.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Look at how they talk and look at what they do, especially in various situations and when they don't think anyone is watching, when they don't think anyone is listening.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: Watch how they respond and how they talk about ethical dilemmas in your life.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Respond and how they talk about ethical dilemmas in your life.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: And just like how, as followers of Jesus, we should constantly question our own motives to become more Christ-like, we should constantly be looking for ways to improve our character.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Back to Peter, who writes In view of all of this, make every effort to respond to God's promises, supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, says it starts with faith, and we're going to keep building.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: We're going to keep building.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: We're going to go deeper and deeper until it overflows as a love for everyone.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: We look at our character and part of knowing if somebody has the character leads us to this final component of building trust, and that is track record.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: Track record so they might understand.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Mode is good, the ability is there, they have a good character.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Now let's look at their track record.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: What do I mean?
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: This person has a history.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Who you're going with?
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: They have all of these things, but they have a history of flaking.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: They back out in the last minute every time, or nine out of ten times.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: Can you trust that person?
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, you can trust them to not show up.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: That's what their track record tells you.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: You can trust them to be late.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: You can trust for something to come up when you need them.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: That's how you can trust them and that's why track record is so important.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: To determine someone's track record, look at the history of their actions and their behaviors.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Have they consistently met their commitments?
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: When they say they're going to do something, do they actually do it?
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Do they follow through on their promises?
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm going to do it.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Do they actually do it?
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Or is it other stuff that always comes up, or something that's more important than you, or something always comes up?
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Evaluating feedback from various sources over time can provide a comprehensive view of someone's reliability.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: So, if you think about it, you're a boss and you're probably going to ask for references, and that is how you, as a boss or manager someone hiring someone you're bringing someone on your team.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: That is how you begin to evaluate someone's track record is by calling around and asking references people they've worked with before and you say tell me about this person's track record.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: How do you feel about them?
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well, you know they do show up on time, but boy, they don't like working Like the minute you can let them go.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: They're out Like they always do the bare minimum.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: Okay, well, that's telling you a track record.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: They might check all of these other boxes, but their track record isn't what you want and you determine that this person isn't trustworthy.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Jesus says if you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: So for those of us who are looking to build a good track record maybe this morning we're like we're looking at our motives, we're looking at our characters and we're like feeling especially convicted about a track record the thing is to not try to do everything today or tomorrow or this week, but be faithful in the little things.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: What's one little step that you can take and begin to build on with that?
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Improving your track record starts with committing to transparency, setting realistic expectations, consistently meeting what you're going to say you're going to do, showing up when you say you're going to show up, or I have a rule personally myself which is don't miss twice.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: And so if something were to come up with you and you and I had a meeting, or I was supposed to do something and I couldn't do it, like come hell or high water or anything, I will be there the next time because I don't miss twice.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: And this is why to get on a board at Madison Church or to be a coordinator of a team, we require people become a member first.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: We're looking for a track record.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: We want to see like if we're going to bring you on and give you something to do.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: If we're going to trust you with our community, we're going to trust you with other people.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: The most important thing we've got going on at Madison Church I want to know I can trust you.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Our elders want to know they can trust you.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: Our trustees want to know they can trust you.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Our trustees want to know they can trust you.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: We want to know that.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: The people who volunteer on our teams they want to know that they can trust us on the way up.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: And so this is why we do that.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: We're looking for a track record and in doing all of these things, trust becomes tangible, it becomes objective.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: Trust becomes real when your needs aren't just heard out but they're deeply understood.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: It indicates somebody genuinely has concern for you, when the motive behind their actions and decisions consistently prioritizes your best interests and mine, not just their self-serving goals.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: We can trust someone when there's clear evidence of ability or capacity, when the character and they have integrity.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: And when there's a evidence of ability or capacity, when the character, they have integrity and when there's a positive track record.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: And so I would challenge you this week, as you consider trust and faith and relationships, to focus on one area in your own life, as you're like what's an area in my own life that I can grow to help other people trust me more, not to be some kind of a better person, but as I'm following Jesus and I'm part of a Christian community that exists to connect people with God and each other.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: I contribute to that and you contribute to that, and so all of us need to pull our weight and try to take steps in becoming a more trustworthy person.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Now, again, no one, no one, including myself, no one can guarantee that your trust isn't going to be broken.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: You can do all of these things and someone's still going to break your trust.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: I want to point it out to you guys that every day, god faces betrayal from people that he's placed trust in.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: He's trusted me as the pastor of Madison Church.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: I disappoint him all the time.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: I'm convinced of it.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: That might be a personal issue, but we all come up short with God, and yet he still continues to extend trust to us and all of the ways that we turn our back on God and we know we should do one thing, but we do another.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: We know we shouldn't say that to that person, but we do it anyway.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: And yet God continues to extend trust to us, despite vulnerabilities.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Trust is a fundamental aspect of our lives.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: It is essential for connection and community, and by committing to the principles that we're talking about this week, we'll talk about next week and the week after, I think we're going to see a significant and substantial step in the right direction here at Madison Church.