Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / Should I send a card to my in-law?

Transcript

Should I send a card to my in-law? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_07: Are you really buying a car online on AutoTrader right now?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_06: Really?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_07: At a playground?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, really.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_06: Look at these listings from dealers.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_06: Wow.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_06: You start gonna really get that specific.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_07: Really?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_07: And you just put in your info and boom.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_07: Car's in your budget.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: Mommy's a second, honey.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: You can really have it delivered?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: Really?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_04: Mommy's buying a car.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_05: Mommy, uh, I think kid is welcome up to swell.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: Auto trader.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: Buy your car online.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, how's it going?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and today someone sends me an email asking a question about whether or not they should send a card to an in-law.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in your answer a lot.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Trink Inc.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're new to this podcast, what I do on here is I answer questions people send me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of people send me questions or ask me my advice on things.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in practice, excuse me, for 16 years helping people and helping relationships kind of get right with the world and with one another.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I enjoy answering questions, giving my opinion on things.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So here it is.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So the question I got today was from a woman named Liz, and Liz says, Do I need to send my brother's wife a birthday card anymore?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: If she only sends cards through her children to me, over the last year I received Mother's Day cards from my niece and nephew in her handwriting.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing from her or my brother.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Then when I graduated from college in July with a master's degree, I did not receive any card or anything congratulating me.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: No phone call, nothing.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I never said a word.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have not had a phone conversation with my brother's wife, ten years of marriage, in about two or three years, she never calls, nothing.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: We do not have a relationship, we do not share anything.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I would sidebar, I think you share your your brother, actually, um, relationally speaking.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um but from the past, once I forgot her birthday and my brother called me out on it.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So my question is since my graduation was completely ignored, um, which was special to me, and any cards are from my niece and nephew in her handwriting.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to send a birthday card?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't, and my brother tells me I did not send a card, can I say I didn't want to send a card and also remind them I didn't get a card for my master's degree?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Complicated it sounds.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh sounds like drama, but I'm really indifferent to it and don't mind the lack of cards I get.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: But what I dread most is the double standard and the anticipation of my brother and her complaining about me, not sending her a birthday card.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because the birthday is coming up, and I don't feel the desire to send a card.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know I could say face and keep the peace by just sending a card, but I'm older now, and I'm so sick of doing these things out of obligation.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be true to myself?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, Liz.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I think you need to determine um one thing at least.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to determine what kind of connection you want with this um sister-in-law of yours.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that there and it's and we're not just talking about the sister-in-law, because this connection you have to determine.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, do you want connections with your nephews or your nieces?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want connections with your brother?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And basically what you've been told is this is something that's kind of a requirement in to keep this relationship whole.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um now I have no idea if you're a single person, but I'm making an assumption um that you're kind of a single person.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so what goes along with that for people that are married and have kids is potentially an assumption that you have a lot of time on your hand or that you're selfish and wow, you can't even take the time out to send a card.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea if that's going on, but I'm just kind of getting a sense that maybe there's some of that uh some of that issue going on because getting a master's degree takes time and and I I'm just kind of wondering about that.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I agree with you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like obligation as well, but sometimes obligation is necessary to keep or maintain certain relationships.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're not, and I say we, like I'm involved in this, but you need to determine again, like I said before, are you willing to stay obligated to keep relationship doors open uh with your brother or with the nieces and nephews?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think those are potentially important relationships that you may want to invest in, especially the nieces and the nephews.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to invest in those relationships as you as they get older and as you um get secure in whatever kind of career you do.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um family relationships are valuable, and so uh you maybe need to consider the obligation of sending a card back just to keep those pathways open to the niece and the nephew.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um but if you decide, you know what, I'm not gonna be obligated to anybody, these relationships are not something I want to invest in, then I don't think you need to send a card.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um if your brother calls you, then you can just say, Hey, I I don't want this obligation, it's not written in your wife's handwriting.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you can be honest with them, but the you have to recognize that that in that honesty, there's gonna be the potential for a um break off of the relationship, which is kind of a sad thing.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So again, you have to determine is this is writing a card that takes I don't know, two minutes or less um sufficient?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you could even do you have to send a card?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Could you send an email?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or is that not seen as something that's you know um not a good thing?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so you need to actually go out and buy a Hallmark card and address it and um send it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is a rare thing in our society, but what I'm gonna encourage you to do is to seriously consider the ramifications of not sending the card.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to them it may be a big deal, to you and it's not a big deal, but again we go back to I mean I I kind of keep circling back to this idea that it depends on um how important these relationships are to you.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um apparently that it's important to them and if I don't know if your mom and dad are still living, but I'm sure that they want you to have peace with your brother and this is one way to keep peace, and yes again, it's an obligation.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um when I first was married um I I had to have I had obligations that I had to do with my family that I didn't really enjoy.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went into a phase where I was able to kind of be more self-secure and say no, I'm not going to do these obligations.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's interesting, I've come back full circle where I'm willing to do these obligations because I care about people.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it's not that I didn't care about people before, I think it was my own kind of um maturation process where you know I was a younger guy, I wanted to do my own thing, I didn't want to be obligated to people.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I I got married, had kids, and then kind of slowly went back to this, you know, I want to keep relationships whole and healthy.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so I know there's give and take in relationships, and so I was willing to give um some stuff that I I wouldn't have given if there was no relationship there to to um invest in.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think w what I would suggest, Liz, is that there probably is some investment that could go into these relationships.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you say it sounds like drama and you're indifferent, but I actually don't think you're indifferent.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think it does get at you a little bit.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so my encouragement to you is just to actually look at it for what it really is like do you want to stay connected to your brother?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because it sounds like your brother wants to stay connected to you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the bigger picture here is that there's a lot of other people that are involved besides just your brother and his wife.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hopefully that's been helpful to you.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a question, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com or go to my Facebook page, doc David, and like it and ask me a question there.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great day.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_07: At a playground?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, really.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_06: Look at these listings from dealers.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_06: Wow, you start gonna really get that specific.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_07: Really?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_07: And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: Mommy's a second, honey.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_07: You can really have it delivered?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_04: Really?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: Mommy's woman's car.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_05: I think kid is welcoming up the swingle again, really.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: Auto trader.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: Buyer car online, really.