Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / FOCUS: Stop Ruminating, Letting Go Of The Need To Have An Answer For Everything & Being At Peace.

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FOCUS: Stop Ruminating, Letting Go Of The Need To Have An Answer For Everything & Being At Peace. · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Now these are ways that it can play out. You
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: could be going over an argument, a breakup. You could
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: go over the same scenario to see what went wrong.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: You're replaying past events, and you're replaying encounters with someone
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: in your mind again and again and again to try
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: and find clues like where did I fuck up? What
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: did I do wrong? When did their face expression change?
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: What changed here? Why don't they like me anymore? What
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: have I done? You're also stressing about something happening in
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: the future and then revisiting these thoughts again and again
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: and again. Well, this person goes to me, now, now
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: the next person's going to go to me, Now, how
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: do I know? Now? This person said a date, but
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: they haven't told me the time yet. It's been three
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: hours and there, and you just start to panic about
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: something happening in the future because you've experienced it or
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: something like it in the past, and this fear stuff
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: to like brew bigger and bigger. Now, why do you
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: do it? Why do you do it? It's firstly, it is
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: normal to want to know what went wrong. That's completely understandable.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: We have a desire and a curiosity to know what
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: went wrong, and for the most part, so we don't
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: do it again. If we're the ones that fucked are
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: and if we really liked someone, of course it's normal
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: to be like, well, why did it end? That's okay,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: that's perfectly normal. It's not saying someone goes to you
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: just you know, oh it's nothing, I'll just walk away.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: It's fine, it's going to affect you. But a lot
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: of us think that we're being self aware when we
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: reflect back on the past. But the problem is that
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: many of us miss this self awareness part and we
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: end up just ruminating because a lot of the time
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: we struggle to see where we went wrong or when
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: something went wrong because you're only seeing it from one
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: personet you're seeing it either from your view and not
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: saying where you went wrong, or you're seeing it from
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the perspective of imagining that the person that you were
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: dealing with, or the situation that that person or those
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: people would process an event the way you would process
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: an event, or would treat someone the way you would
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: treat someone. So again, even if they're the ones in
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: the wrong, you're still seeing it from your perspective thinking,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: but you know, you know, I would never do that
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: to somebody, So like I just don't understand. Yeah, but
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: you would never do that to somebody. Someone else would. Okay,
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: So it's this idea of it's when you're trying to
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: be really self aware, you have to get yourself out
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: of yourself and watch yourself without bias. That's very difficult
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: to do. You can learn it, but you've got to
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: be constantly reminding yourself, remove the bias. Where is my bias?
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: So hard to identify where your bias is, especially if
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: you've never done it before. And to really put yourself
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: in someone's position and as if you're watching yourself, not
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: being yourself. That's really hard to do if you've never
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: done it. And a huge part of human interaction is
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: the fact that others experience the same event in a
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: different way to how you experience it. And I mentioned this,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I think in a recent episode, or maybe it was
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: in my I don't know. I've got this membership as well,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: but people pay for it. Could have been there, it
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: could have been in the podcast. I don't know, but
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: I was heavily talking about this idea that everything in life,
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: your whole experience is painted with how you interpret an event,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: and your mood will paint how that event gets interpreted.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: So if I'm in a shitty mood, a really shitty mood,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: and someone does something, it's going to piss me off.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: The most annoying person in the world. I can't handle them.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: How day you breathe so loudly? I fuck you that
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: if I'm in a great mood, someone next to me
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: could be like, that person's breathing so lightly. I'm so
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'd never even noticed. I didn't even
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: realize I'm having a great time that person so lovely?
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Why would you say that? You know it's because I'm
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: in a good mood. So I am interpreting everything differently.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: So you've also got to think of the mood that
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I'm in changes how interpret an event, and also the
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: mood that that person in is in will change how
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: they interpret an event. So when you ruminate or when
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: you think back and you're saying I'm reflecting, are you
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: reflecting and breaking it apart? Or are you thinking like
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: where why? Where? Why? But only seeing it from your perspective? Now,
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: why do we do it? People that have a history
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: of trauma growing up, as in neglect or abuse, that's
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: really common, like this insecure attachment or disorganized attachment. I
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: have the whole episode on attachment theory, so go check.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: It's titled attachment theory, not attachment styles, so go check
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: that out. They are more likely to do to have
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: those ruminating thoughts because it's this fear based approach, feeling
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: that they may not be deserving of love or love
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: isn't consistent, or that the world may not be generally
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: a safe and kind place, so they are more likely
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: to be primed to feel this way. You might also
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: do it because you think that ruminating will give you
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: answers to a problem, instead of thinking, what if I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: actually are more self aware and crack this apart and
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: look at it without what with as little bias as possible.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: You also have stress in your life that you can't control,
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: and so you feel that by doing this it's going
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: to give you more control. Okay, And then you also
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: might think that you have the ability to solve it
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: just by thinking it over and over and over and
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: the answer will eventually come. Sometimes what we really struggle
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: with is the fact that there are many things in
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: life but we'll never get the answer to a lot
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: of people refuse to be okay with that they refuse
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: to believe that refuse even to the extent of like,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: I've been barraged by people, both atheists and religious people
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: when I say I just really don't know the answer.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I call myself an atheist, but maybe
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: I'm more of an agnostic. But they're like, but you
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: have to, like you have to know, you have to
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, how can't how would I know? I
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: don't know? And then like people just can't fathom that
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I'm okay with not really having the answer. And then
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: they'll be like, but this, but that, what about this?
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: But where's your profrend And I'm like, I'm fine with
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: not having an answer. Fuck, I'm fine with not having
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: an answer. But a lot of people need an answer.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: They need an answer for everything, and until they have
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: the answer, they cannot move on. But life won't give
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: you all the answers, and you have to learn to
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: exist in the most productive and happiest way possible. Psalm's
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: answer Without the answer, It's possible, and it's actually liberating
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: when you can say I don't need the answer anymore.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I don't need the answer. I've reflected back in an
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: unbiased or as unbiased as possible. I've taken the lessons
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: that I can take from this. There's a lot of
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: mystery here, but I can't uncrack it because fifty percent
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: of this mystery has to do with somebody else, and
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not in their head. So it's done. But that's
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: where That's why people ruminate, because they struggle to move
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: on without an answer.