Latest / Harder Than Life / If You Say Yes To Everything, You're Saying No To Yourself

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If You Say Yes To Everything, You're Saying No To Yourself · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
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• 0:30
  Thursday episode here, and I got a doozy for you. As you all know, if you followed us at all, as we're growing quickly, I'm doing all kinds of things.
• 0:38
  therapy and coaching work, work in the TLC method. Today we're gonna talk about how most of us don't know how to say no, not because you don't know the words no, of course. You can't say no because somewhere in your body no feels exactly like the thing that hurt you when you were a kid. So you say yes and then resent the person who asked.
• 1:05
  That's the cycle we're gonna talk about today. Saying yes when you should actually say no. Today is not a boundary tips episode. This is about why no feels like death. And how to say no without lighting your life on fire. Believe me.
• 1:25
  There are many, many times I'm gonna share three stories with you where I said yes, where I should have said no, and it cost me dearly. I have two stories, one is gonna be a personal story, and one is about business. As you guys know, I go through life, and I share it all with you. The good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, because leaders go first, and I'm gonna show you. So if you say yes to everything, you are saying no to yourself.
• 1:51
  If you are saying yes to everything, you are saying no to yourself and nobody is more unkind to you than you. By the end of this episode, I'm gonna give you the one sentence I caught myself living by. The sentence that turned my discipline into a weapon I used against my own gut. Here's the story. I'm gonna tell you about a yes I gave that should have been a no. I'm not gonna use...
• 2:20
  People's name, I gotta protect the names to, or what's, keep the names to protect the innocent. It doesn't matter, it's just the pattern and the story. An ex of mine that I first started dating, when I first started dating her, I mean it was a week into the dating and she invited me away for her birthday. And it was one week into our dating and my entire insides just said no.
• 2:49
  But if I said no, our relationship or the start would have ended right there. It's too much too soon. I said yes anyways. To me, it felt like if I said no, she'd be gone.
• 3:02
  Now, fast forward, I mean, fast forward and looking at the hindsight, which is always 20-20, that should have been the first test of the relationship. I should have looked and said, hmm, I'm going to stay true to myself. And if it would have fell off right then and there, I know I'd have my answer. So in that situation,
• 3:23
  abandoning myself, I then went to this event, saw things, and then I ignored those things, and it just compounded from there. If I had said no on that first date, she would have left, and it would have been the right answer probably, more than likely. I just didn't know it yet. The no I should have said wasn't a rejection.
• 3:46
  It was a filter. Every red flag that came over the next year of my life was already standing in that room on that first date. That first yes that should have been a no, my body knew. My nervous system knew. I overrode them because saying no to a woman who was already escalated felt like withdrawing my love. And those of you who listen to all my podcasts, you know that I'm the love bear. Love is everything to me.
• 4:15
  If I even feel like love is being withdrawn from me, my nervous system goes in a rye. Not so much more lately with this IFS therapy. So I'm working on that. And the part of me that grew up watching love get withdrawn as a punishment will never do that to somebody else. So even when I'm being wronged, I tend to say yes. And it's something I'm working on. So I absorbed her pace.
• 4:44
  Instead of holding my own, that's not a boundary problem. That was a wound, a childhood trauma wound running the boundary. And I bet you it's happening to a bunch of you guys. That's story number one. That was personal. Story number two is I'm gonna show you the same wound in a completely different room. Business. Because if you only think it shows up in relationships, you're missing it everywhere else it's running you. This one's from NTM.
• 5:14
  It happened very recently with a new client. Guys, I'm telling you, there is no work-life balance. The temperature of your nervous system and your healing in your personal life will absolutely boil over in your business. I am proof of it. We've talked about it time and time and time again. It is life balance. So the level of you're willing to work on you and your mindset and your childhood trauma and your fears and your shame
• 5:45
  is the level that you'll reach of your business. But here's the scenario at NTM. I had a new client. They were waiting to the last minute to move. Called me and said, hey, we got your name from an existing client. They said, you guys are amazing. You can pull everything off. And immediately I'm like, no. But I, again, I can't abandon somebody in need. I can.
• 6:12
  But I couldn't in this situation, especially if this is coming from a referral. They had zero planning. They didn't even have the keys to their new space yet. They asked us to expedite it, absorb their chaos, their lack of planning. I at least did say no to the expedite. But I did say yes to the client. And mind you, this was a very small client. And I said yes. And I absorbed all the drama.
• 6:41
  Their chaos became our chaos. It was a win on paper, but it was a loss of real life for them and for us. I just received a text message just a couple of minutes ago where they're not following protocol, they're upset. Every yes that should be a no is always gonna fall back on you. I held the line on a small thing and I lost on the big thing. I said no to the timeline and yes to the client
• 7:09
  And that's how a yes hides inside a no. And believe me, I'm paying for it. And so are they. A partial no is sometimes a full yes to the wrong thing. The contractor who says, I can't do that price, but I'll still take the job. The consultant who says, I won't work on weekends, but I'll still take the client who only works weekends. The boss who says, I won't stay late.
• 7:37
  but I'll take the project that requires staying late every night. That no on the surface, the yes underneath, that's the one that bleeds you. There's a truth underneath all this that I'm getting to, and you've been with me for these eight minutes. Here's what I had to learn about myself, and I learned it the hard way. It's why it's called Art of the Life. So please, smart people, learn from my mistakes. My discipline, the thing I built my entire identity on,
• 8:06
  has been doing double duty. Half of it's genuine excellence. The other half is Shane wearing a disciplined costume. I used to say that impossible only describes a degree of difficulty. I'm famous for saying that. I'd say it with pride, I'd say it on stage, I'd say it with my team. But here's what was actually happening underneath all of that.
• 8:32
  Impossible only describes a degree of difficulty and I proceeded in the fear and shame, neither of which I knew I had at the time. My gut said no. Discipline said impossible is just a degree of difficulty and I proceeded. Not from strength, but from the child's fear of what happens if he stops producing. That's not a work ethic.
• 9:00
  That's an identity problem in a suit. That is full on trauma-filled decisions and they lead you to more drama and trauma. This is why no feels like that to so many of you. I know some of you are like, oh, he's talking straight to me. Yes, I am. I've been there. Because the part of you that always says yes to the impossible is the same part that kept you alive
• 9:30
  when you were seven. Man. Saying no feels like you're firing your own survival mechanism. Of course you can't do it. He had a job, he was good at it, and he saved you. Now he's running on outdated software and you're starting to see it. And believe me, that is just God sending you a lesson of what needs to be repaired.
• 10:00
  So you know me, here's the sequence. I don't give you problems without answers. Here's a sequence I run before I answer any high stakes ask or really any ask. It just happens real, real, real fast to me now. Sorry, I had to pause for a second because I was thinking about this. I don't write down a script for what to say to them.
• 10:20
  I write down what to ask yourself first because the inside is right. The outside takes care of itself. So it looks like this. Where do I feel this in my body? And usually if it's a no, it's somewhere in my stomach. You'll feel, start noticing in your body where are you feeling this.
• 10:45
  high stakes questions. Your body feels things before your mind does. Your gut speaks first, your discipline speaks second. If you wait for your mind to vote, the wound already cast the ballot. Put your hand on your chest, what's there? Tight, heavy, bracing? That's the no. Trust it before you can defend it. Believe me, it's all going on. Pro tip guys, when you have that,
• 11:14
  not in your chest and your belly, it should just be a no. Right then and there, just say, I'm feeling compelled to say no, and no is a complete sentence. You can come back to them later, just be like, I can't do that. Funny thing is, watch people meet you where you need to be. That's not for this podcast yet. So first thing is, locate the no in your body before your mind catches up. The second thing I want you to do is ask, am I saying yes to them?
• 11:43
  or no to myself. Every yes is a no to something. If saying yes to this ask means saying no to your sleep, your family, your standards, your peace, or your team, then you already know the answer. You're just hoping someone else will give you permission to say it. That's me, folks. I give you permission. Say no more.
• 12:06
  Say yes to all of those important things in your life that keep you out of fight or flight mode. This good sleep, the food, the rest, your family. Third thing is test the relationship. If someone's gonna leave for you saying no, let them. And you go on with your life. If someone leaves because you're saying no, let them. They're gonna frickin' benefit from your lack of boundaries.
• 12:35
  A no will reveal who actually values you and who is just using you. That's a beautiful feature of the word no. It's not a bug, it's a beautiful feature. If the only thing holding the relationship together was your yes, it's not a relationship. It's a transaction and they're using you. Number four, this is a doozy. Watch for the partial no. That's the whole maybe.
• 13:04
  Or I'll get back to you. Or let's see, just say no. Don't negotiate with the wrong ask. If the answer is no, the answer is no. The moment you start carving exceptions, I'll do it, but only this once. I won't do all of it, but I'll do half. You've already lost. That said, yes. Their problem just became your problem with extra steps and a lot of headache.
• 13:33
  And number five, say it once. Don't explain it. No is a complete sentence. The over-explanation is where the guilt sneaks in.
• 13:46
  Every word past no is a hostage tape. Your shame is writing in real time. Say it, don't justify it, and move on. Here are three sentences that I want you to memorize. I'm gonna go there. Practice them in the mirror. Guys, I do this. I cannot tell you enough I do this. They are magic. I'm going to give you the seagull magic. They work.
• 14:09
  because they don't apologize for existing. They're super uncomfortable. That's why practice them in the mirror. I know it sounds weird. The first sentence, I love you, but the answer is no. That's it. You don't owe an explanation to someone who loves you. If they need a reason to keep loving you, they don't. Mm.
• 14:38
  That's a personal no. Let's talk about the business no. That doesn't work for us and here is what does. No counter apology, no I'm sorry but, you're not sorry, you're protecting the work, you're standing your ground, you're holding your boundary, you're staying in your center of excellence. That is a hell yes and you wanna do more of that. The third one, family no. I care about you, I'm not doing that.
• 15:08
  Care does not equal compliance. You can love someone and still tell them no. In fact, the people who taught you that love means yes lied to you. I know this firsthand. Love without boundaries is chaos and it's self-abandonment. Choose your self, self-love, and you will absolutely be harder than life and lead it to be happier than life.
• 15:38
  That last one's a doozy, man, because family will guilt you into everything. And a lot of times when you say no to family, it has massive consequences. But you teach people how to treat you. And saying no is the kindest thing you can do for them and for you. And you will thank me. Here's your homework this week. Not someday, this week.
• 16:04
  I have three asks of you. Number one, audit one yes that you said. Find one yes in your life right now that your gut said no to. Don't fix it, just name it out loud. Write it down. I said yes to so and so when my body said no. Bring it into light, that's the first step. The first step of anything is awareness, being aware. Denial is not a river in the Amazon.
• 16:33
  and denial will not get you going forward. So just think of one time this last week that you said yes when you should have said no. Number two, practice one no this week. Pick a small one, not a high stakes one, a small one. Saying no to dinner you don't want to attend. Saying no to a meeting that should have been an email or a text message. Saying no to a client request that's outside the scope.
• 17:03
  Start in the gym before you walk in the ring. Reps before pressure, and it will absolutely build confidence. By doing that over and over, heck man, go a couple of days. Remember the yes man, where he said yes to everything? Maybe you could say no to everything for a couple of days. Because saying no to everything else is saying yes to you. Number three, notice who stays.
• 17:32
  Watch what happens. The people who matter and who are there for you will stay. The people who were using you will reveal themselves. It's not a loss, my friends. That's a clean inventory. The pain of losing someone who can't handle your no is nothing compared to the pain of losing yourself while trying to keep them. Boy, do I know this. Tell me in the comments and drop a number for which one.
• 18:01
  That's harder for you right now. Is it number one saying no in relationships? Is it number two saying no in business? Or number three saying no to family? I wanna know where the work is the hardest. I read every one of them. And here's what I wanna leave you with. Your no is not cruelty. Your no is information for them and for you.
• 18:29
  The relationships that survive your no are the real ones. The ones that don't were already over. You're just the last one to know, but at least you figured it out. And if saying no feels like death, it's not a character flaw, man. You're a good human being. That's a part of you that's been doing a job since you were a kid. Thank him.
• 18:56
  and tell him you got it from here. And he's done a good job and it's time to release it. This is Harder Than Life, I'll see you next Thursday.
• 19:06
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.