Latest / The Harmony Channel / The Most Spiritual Job

Transcript

The Most Spiritual Job · The Harmony Channel

0:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Harmony Channel.
0:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host C. Rose.
0:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so glad you're here for an episode about the most spiritual job I've ever had.
0:26
[SPEAKER_00]: In the recent episode, a messy becoming, I talked about facing the truth that working from home was no longer working for me.
0:34
[SPEAKER_00]: There just wasn't enough money coming in and the bills were piling up.
0:39
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way forward became increasingly obvious.
0:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed to find work outside the house.
0:46
[SPEAKER_00]: So today, I'm finally going to share what I've been doing to earn money.
0:50
[SPEAKER_00]: In my memoir, The Sound of Center, I wrote about the end of my craft magazine, and I've mentioned it here and there throughout the podcast.
0:59
[SPEAKER_00]: The loss hit me hard.
1:02
[SPEAKER_00]: My usual ability to carry on and bounce back had vanished.
1:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I had no energy to do anything but
1:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am grateful I was able to do this.
1:16
[SPEAKER_00]: After so many years of dampening my needs to the point that I didn't even know what my needs were, there was only one way to go when the loss was official, and that was inward.
1:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Through that process, I made space to write, which gave me the gift of knowing myself more deeply.
1:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Last year, after my memoir was released, I felt like the new me was beginning to crawl out of the dark mysterious cave of transformation.
1:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I opened my online Atelier Circle Beauty House to sell my book, but I felt uncertain about what I was building.
1:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I was a gardener with a virtual plot of land and a heart full of seeds, but I didn't know how or where or what to do to begin my garden.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Circle Beauty House was my new creative studio, but with one lonely book in the bookshop, a book that took me a year and a half to write and release.
2:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I could feel more books in the creative queue, so I wondered if I should start another.
2:22
[SPEAKER_00]: That would be a slow process, and unfortunately, bills are a monthly affair, but just don't quit because your book writing dreams haven't paid off yet.
2:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Months passed, and the dog sitting opportunities that came my way were fun, and fit into my daily life, but they weren't enough.
2:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Then, in October of last year, I had an actual dream.
2:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I was sitting on the floor, knees bent, with a little boy between them.
2:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I was trying to figure out what he liked and how he wanted to be cared for.
2:58
[SPEAKER_00]: His mother sat to my left and I looked toward her for suggestions.
3:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Beyond us a blazing bright pink moon hung large and full.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I woke up and lingered in the feeling of this little boy.
3:12
[SPEAKER_00]: He wasn't someone I knew, yet he felt familiar.
3:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I wondered if the child was connected to my next job.
3:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I'd recently downloaded an app to search for nanny gigs in my area, but nothing had come up yet.
3:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, at that point, I wasn't fully embracing nannying as a path.
3:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Part of me still wished something better would swoop in and save us, like a miracle check of flood of book orders, or my husband's work world hitting the jackpot.
3:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Anything I was hoping for anything else.
3:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I wondered if signing up for the app would be enough to show the universe I was willing to do it, but I was hoping in the end I wouldn't have to leave home.
3:58
[SPEAKER_00]: After all, I am a mother to my children, a caregiver to my mother, and a seasonal host mother to a young border who would be staying with our family over the winter.
4:09
[SPEAKER_00]: How could I do all that, still right, and also work outside the home?
4:14
[SPEAKER_00]: The idea overwhelmed me, but even more was the thought of not having enough money to pay our bills.
4:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So I stayed open.
4:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I would obviously do what needed to be done, just show me the way I said, I'm listening.
4:30
[SPEAKER_00]: All day, I was so moved by the feeling in the dream, I shared it with my husband.
4:36
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a little boy I was on the floor holding, I said to him.
4:40
[SPEAKER_00]: We both wondered and knew time would tell, and it did.
4:45
[SPEAKER_00]: A few weeks later, a woman contacted me on the app,
4:49
[SPEAKER_00]: about a position opening to care for her son who would turn one in November.
4:54
[SPEAKER_00]: The job was for three nine-hour-a-day shifts, which was fine, but they lived over an hour away.
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: No way I told myself immediately, that's too far to drive for work.
5:07
[SPEAKER_00]: There must be something closer.
5:09
[SPEAKER_00]: But when I shared the possible opportunity with my husband, he said it wouldn't hurt to just
5:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Easy for him, I thought.
5:18
[SPEAKER_00]: He's not the one commuting over two hours a day on top of a nine-hour shift, but he drives farther than that to his sound studio in Maine.
5:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't close off work opportunities so quickly, so I responded and set up a phone call to see if it was worth pursuing.
5:34
[SPEAKER_00]: A week or so later, I hopped on a call with a parents of a little boy named Leo, whose first birthday was the following day.
5:43
[SPEAKER_00]: A little Scorpio, I thought.
5:46
[SPEAKER_00]: He was quiet as we started our speaker phone conversation, but eventually I could hear him chirping in the background.
5:53
[SPEAKER_00]: His mom told me he was a sweetheart, but of course she knew she was biased.
5:58
[SPEAKER_00]: When we began talking about Leo, my inner body shifted.
6:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember a subtle feeling moved over me as she told me he was born with an abnormal heart.
6:09
[SPEAKER_00]: He was your average little guy in all the other ways, but the parents took precautions to keep him healthy.
6:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So this job was different from your typical nanny gig.
6:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Not special needs, but extra precautions were taken to maintain a healthy environment for him.
6:26
[SPEAKER_00]: This was when I knew I was the one for him.
6:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Here was a little boy born with a unique heart, and here I was a woman living a heart-centered life.
6:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Something about our pairing felt aligned.
6:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know why, but it felt like we were being brought together.
6:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though I tried to resist the call, eventually I came to realize, I was meant for him, and he was meant for me.
6:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't meet the family in person until January of this year, as the mom was traveling with Leo back to her hometown in Canada to visit with family.
7:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried not to be nervous, but my head was spinning the entire drive.
7:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The day it was cold and clear at first, but as I journeyed closer to the state border, the snow began to fall.
7:20
[SPEAKER_00]: The part of the drive was paved, but three back roads were a bit dicey when winter conditions hit.
7:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I made my way to their house their driveway packed with snow.
7:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I calmed my worries about getting snowed in by focusing on the visit.
7:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Their quaint house was a little set back from the road, deep in the woods of the mountains.
7:42
[SPEAKER_00]: They welcomed me inside as I took my shoes off by the door.
7:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I walked into their warm living room where Leo was playing and his adorable round face looked up at me.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: His dark eyes watched me intently as I sat on the floor across from him.
7:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I smiled waiting to see how he would respond.
8:03
[SPEAKER_00]: It didn't take long for him to bring me a book.
8:05
[SPEAKER_00]: His friendliness led him to snuggle into my lap so I could read to him.
8:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I talked with his parents asking and answering questions.
8:14
[SPEAKER_00]: An hour went by quickly and I left feeling great about our meeting.
8:20
[SPEAKER_00]: The ride back to my house however was slow and snowy.
8:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It took me almost two hours to return home.
8:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I pulled into my driveway and said no way I can't do that.
8:33
[SPEAKER_00]: They may have been a dream family to work for, and he's a little darling, but I can't do that drive.
8:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I quickly convinced myself another family nearby must need my help.
8:45
[SPEAKER_00]: How could I swing a job so far away?
8:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially as my mom was going in for leg surgery at the end of January, and I was concerned about her recovery.
8:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed to be at my own home.
8:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I told myself there had to be another way.
9:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I wrote to Leo's parents and told them I couldn't accept the position.
9:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I started looking into other options.
9:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo's parents didn't give up, though.
9:10
[SPEAKER_00]: They wrote back.
9:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Asking if we could keep the conversation going, they felt sure I was the right nurturing person to care for their little guy.
9:19
[SPEAKER_00]: They said I could wait until March to start full time, giving me several weeks after my mom surgery to make sure she was okay.
9:27
[SPEAKER_00]: They wanted me to care for their son.
9:30
[SPEAKER_00]: They wanted me at a time when work was scarce.
9:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Ultimately, no other jobs came up.
9:36
[SPEAKER_00]: This nanny gig began to feel like a clear, open doorway, and whether I wanted it to be there or not, it was, and I could not ignore that.
9:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Throughout January and February, I worked several trial days caring for Leo, so by March, the two of us got to know one another before my regular hours began.
9:58
[SPEAKER_00]: This was the longest, most drawn-out job transition I'd ever experienced.
10:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Almost six months from the first message to the first full week of work.
10:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Throughout that time, I kept wondering if it would really happen.
10:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I still held that hope that something else would come my way.
10:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And I would be saved the hassle of a very long commute and being away from my own family three days a week.
10:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But those hopes were fruitless.
10:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed to accept what the universe was handing me.
10:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Day one, I woke up at 4.30 a.m. got ready and drove into the darkness.
10:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Don met me midway as I pushed away the thick feelings of missing home already and I wasn't even at their house yet.
10:47
[SPEAKER_00]: all day I watched the clock.
10:50
[SPEAKER_00]: By this point Leo was comfortable with me.
10:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though this was the first time we were completely alone together.
10:57
[SPEAKER_00]: The snowy woods around their house were peaceful.
11:01
[SPEAKER_00]: It was too cold to venture out so we stayed cozy indoors.
11:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Time moved faster if I was genuinely engaged in making him laugh.
11:11
[SPEAKER_00]: and reading.
11:12
[SPEAKER_00]: For long stretches he sat on my lap and twisted the bracelets on my left wrist as I read book after book.
11:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Between page turns his right hand rested softly on my arm.
11:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo's parents arrived just before dinner time and I headed back to my house, ate a late dinner and started to get ready for bed so I could do it all over again the next day and the next.
11:39
[SPEAKER_00]: On day two, something in me began to relax.
11:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I was in the rocking chair feeding him a bottle before his nap.
11:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I looked down and felt his small, warm, humanness cozyed up in my lap.
11:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I looked around almost with new eyes, and saw where I was.
11:58
[SPEAKER_00]: A comfortable setting, a beautiful baby in my arms, whom I was building a relationship with.
12:04
[SPEAKER_00]: a boy who made me laugh, who didn't know the word's uncle or cring yet, who fell asleep with his heart beating near mine.
12:13
[SPEAKER_00]: In this silent, gentle moment, my soul finally got through to my mind.
12:19
[SPEAKER_00]: See, this job is happening for you, not to you.
12:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Experience this opportunity as a spiritual practice, and each moment will be one you will treasure with gratitude, she said.
12:33
[SPEAKER_00]: In that moment, I let go of not wanting to be there, and I let myself be there.
12:40
[SPEAKER_00]: He went down for his nap and slept two hours.
12:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I had time to do a few chores, eat a little lunch, rest on the couch, and listen to the quietude of the land.
12:52
[SPEAKER_00]: For so long, I had been creating harmony from the inside out through all the inner healing I had done.
12:59
[SPEAKER_00]: My external world was still catching up.
13:03
[SPEAKER_00]: As drawing as this job felt at first, I realized it both mirrored the harmony inside me and was showing me an area that needed tending.
13:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed more time to simply laugh and play and be present with the liveliness of a child's spirit.
13:21
[SPEAKER_00]: After Leo woke up in eight lunch, we played peekaboo behind the rocking chair yet again.
13:28
[SPEAKER_00]: His amusement nudged me into a double layered laugh.
13:32
[SPEAKER_00]: One for him to encourage his lovable belly laugh, and another for me, who stubbornly accepted my new work life as a nanny.
13:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I was getting paid to care for a little boy with a beautiful heart with a hole in it, a hole in it, a heart that helped make mine hole.
13:52
[SPEAKER_00]: In that moment, my rigidity softened, and I realized my new job was to have fun, to play, to make a little boy laugh and feel cared for, I smiled at harmony, working its
14:09
[SPEAKER_00]: At home with my mom, I was struggling with my role as her caregiver.
14:14
[SPEAKER_00]: She had returned from the rehab center and was on the road to recovering fairly well from the surgery, but she was quite depressed.
14:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt compassion for her discomfort and did my best to help her see the bright side of the challenge, but this also started to wear down on me a little.
14:34
[SPEAKER_00]: As strong as my energetic boundary around my own energy field was, it felt challenging to always be the uplifting one, especially when my own inner joy well was draining with our financial uncertainty.
14:49
[SPEAKER_00]: here with Leo, the light innocence of a child, helped tip the scales of my life back into balance.
14:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Not perfectly, the job didn't solve all my woes, but it acted as a buoy when I most needed one.
15:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually felt a bit astonished.
15:08
[SPEAKER_00]: The act of mothering was now earning me money.
15:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Mothering was never something I saw as my strength.
15:16
[SPEAKER_00]: But here I was beginning to see my value in this area.
15:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I was doing a good job.
15:22
[SPEAKER_00]: When my creativity didn't help make ends meet, my mothering did.
15:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Nurturing was a skill, this ability to tend what was newly born.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe my external world was showing me something I needed, in addition to play.
15:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I needed to mother more in my own life, like my creativity.
15:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe there was a relationship here between my creativity and my mothering that needed attention.
15:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt like I had been tending to my creativity, but maybe I wasn't doing it with kindness or patience.
15:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe the element of play was needed here too.
16:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe my work as a nanny would actually help my creativity, not hinder it.
16:06
[SPEAKER_00]: By day three, I was beginning to understand this more and more.
16:10
[SPEAKER_00]: My time with Leo was a gift.
16:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Something I still feel eight months later.
16:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Two weeks into the job, I got my first full paycheck in a wave of satisfaction washed over me.
16:23
[SPEAKER_00]: The paycheck wasn't solving everything, but it was a step in the right direction.
16:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It was more money than I'd earned in years.
16:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't making as much as I used to when I owned my own business, but I thought about the difference in energy, overhead, and management.
16:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Watching Leo was simpler.
16:43
[SPEAKER_00]: By April the rhythm of commuting and being away from home felt more natural.
16:49
[SPEAKER_00]: On the pink full moon of the month, I sat on the floor with Leo nestled between my legs and I was reminded of my dream.
16:58
[SPEAKER_00]: My heart felt full, I was essentially getting paid to be myself, my creative mystical self, and something magical slowly rose to the surface.
17:10
[SPEAKER_00]: With Leo, I could fully embrace being a land listener.
17:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Which just meant I could perceive when the land was talking to him.
17:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And I could tell when he was responding to this near silent language.
17:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Three windows faced the dining room table along the north side of their house.
17:30
[SPEAKER_00]: From the table, you can see a sliver of the driveway.
17:34
[SPEAKER_00]: A tall, spruce tree, two bushes that turned out to be lilac, and a section of deciduous and evergreen trees that encompass the house.
17:44
[SPEAKER_00]: When the wind blew, the trees jostled, drawing our attention.
17:49
[SPEAKER_00]: The long spruce limbs almost touched the windows, reaching for something, for someone.
17:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo sat in his seat, watching them entranced.
18:01
[SPEAKER_00]: he stared out at the forest and the friendly gentle giant spruce.
18:06
[SPEAKER_00]: He would get very quiet.
18:09
[SPEAKER_00]: The only sound was the wind murmuring wordlessly through the glass.
18:14
[SPEAKER_00]: The trees would wave to him.
18:17
[SPEAKER_00]: The spruce, in particular, Leo saw or sensed something.
18:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It seemed to me he was a land listener too.
18:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, I assume he does this in his own way,
18:30
[SPEAKER_00]: The warmth and longer days of spring made my commute easier.
18:35
[SPEAKER_00]: With more daylight came a more meditative ease to my drive.
18:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I started to see my car ride as time to myself.
18:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Two hours, three times a week all to myself.
18:47
[SPEAKER_00]: two hours to imagine, to take in a gorgeous mountain landscape, to admire the trees, and to accumulate animal sightings.
18:56
[SPEAKER_00]: The moose, the bear, the bald eagle, the cows, the coyote, the ravens, and the crows.
19:03
[SPEAKER_00]: The warmth also meant Leo and I could sprinkle our days with more outings.
19:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I'd arrive in the morning, walk into their house, and most of the time he would be happy to see me, go to the closet, put on his shoes, and say, outside.
19:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Being in the forest air not only broke up our days, but it was also fascinating to see how in tune he was with the natural world.
19:30
[SPEAKER_00]: One day I was holding Leo on the walkway, and the wind started blowing and swirling around us.
19:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I saw him reach out to touch something, and he went into a slight trance.
19:43
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when I knew he could hear or feel something in the wind.
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, Oh, can you hear the wind?
19:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you can.
19:52
[SPEAKER_00]: wind says, hi, I said with a smile.
19:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I put him down and started to walk towards the house.
20:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo came running, fussing a little and wanting me to pick him up again.
20:05
[SPEAKER_00]: He wanted to listen to the wind with me again.
20:08
[SPEAKER_00]: The wind had quieted, so I called it back, hoping it would return.
20:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I closed my eyes and set a loud.
20:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Come say hello, Leo wants to say hi to you.
20:21
[SPEAKER_00]: A moment later, a soft gentle breeze swept over us warm and loving.
20:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo reached out his hand again and wait as if saying hello.
20:33
[SPEAKER_00]: another day we were outside with his grandmother who was visiting from her home in Seoul, South Korea.
20:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo pretended to make soup or something to eat with his water bucket and a stick.
20:46
[SPEAKER_00]: He wanted harmony to taste what he had made so he held the stick near her mouth and she pretended to taste it.
20:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Then he held the stick toward me and it was my turn to pretend to taste his soup.
21:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Then Leo turned toward the spruce and held the stick up to the sky for her to taste it too.
21:08
[SPEAKER_00]: He sees or senses the tree's spirit.
21:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I know he does.
21:13
[SPEAKER_00]: This tree feels like a guardian for Leo, and perhaps another reason I am here with him is to be a connector between the land and my little buddy.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: While building a genuine relationship with Leo, I've been simultaneously building a relationship with a mountain range where he lives.
21:32
[SPEAKER_00]: A land that is helping me stretch and expand my view of what is possible.
21:37
[SPEAKER_00]: From this vantage point, I can see with fascination how important my nanny position has been.
21:44
[SPEAKER_00]: a position once again as a student of life, of the great mystery, of the transformative power of harmony.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: This position of my vast yourself, high on a mountain far from my own mountain, helping me in ways I couldn't grasp when the job first fell into my lap.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: This work has helped settle my nervous system while also giving me the opportunity to witness another human
22:13
[SPEAKER_00]: The universe could have gifted me another teacher in elder for instance, but by the grace of some great force I was gifted a child as a reminder that this ability to connect with the land is likely available to many if not all at the very beginning of our lives.
22:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I see how special this is for Leo, and so I encourage it, and in seeing how special it is for Leo, I see how special it is for me too, and the way I have nurtured my relationship with great nature is feeding me now in both of physical and spiritual worlds.
22:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It is fun to encourage Leo to keep noticing the land and acknowledging the allies with reverence.
23:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I say things like, I love you, trees, thank you, trees, rose or apple.
23:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it all right if I pick you?
23:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I hug the spruce when we go out on our walks and he has hugged them too.
23:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo will walk underneath and reach for the branches
23:21
[SPEAKER_00]: a slowness shaped our days over the summer, and I came to love it.
23:26
[SPEAKER_00]: There was no rush for the most part we stayed within his routine.
23:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Over time, I began to appreciate the consistency this provided.
23:36
[SPEAKER_00]: He thrived in his schedule.
23:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I was talking with my oldest daughter about how it made me rethink all the schlepping I done when she was little.
23:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't the kind of mother who even considered making a schedule.
23:49
[SPEAKER_00]: My oldest daughter was very social, and though we spent many days at home in the shade of the oak tree, we often ventured out to play in the ocean, or the park, or the city.
24:02
[SPEAKER_00]: A consistent nap schedule didn't occur to me.
24:05
[SPEAKER_00]: It just seemed too hard to always be at home at the same time, just to keep a routine.
24:12
[SPEAKER_00]: But now I experienced the benefits with Leo, who was very happy and even, and for the most part, well rested and fed.
24:21
[SPEAKER_00]: The routine helped me see when he was tired or hungry.
24:25
[SPEAKER_00]: With Leo, I get to practice patience as I watch his emotions move naturally through him.
24:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Happy, sad, mad.
24:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I see his pure love for his parents while it's in its tender face.
24:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I get to watch his verbal language grow.
24:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I enjoy the simple pleasures while in his company.
24:45
[SPEAKER_00]: He is in tune with every squirrel, chipmunk, turkey, or deer that wanders through the yard.
24:51
[SPEAKER_00]: His favorite toys outside are sticks and pine cones from the spruce tree and rocks from the landscaping.
24:58
[SPEAKER_00]: In July, the family expanded their rock-scaping and had a delivery of small stones placed in front of the beds around their house.
25:07
[SPEAKER_00]: For weeks that followed, I found more and more stones that were shaped like hearts.
25:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I started gathering these hearts-dones together,
25:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Making a small border around our favorite spot by the Hydrangea, one of the most surprising things is how content I am to go to work.
25:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I look forward to seeing him each Wednesday and hearing about their weekend.
25:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love our evening ritual when he stands by the window and we wave to one another as I pull out of the driveway.
25:39
[SPEAKER_00]: As I head home, my heart is full of happiness.
25:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't help but beam
25:46
[SPEAKER_00]: If only I could have told myself from the start how nourishing this time of nannying would be.
25:52
[SPEAKER_00]: The miracle I hoped would sweep in and save me from this job didn't come.
25:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the job was the miracle.
26:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I have felt so fortunate to be in Leo's circle.
26:04
[SPEAKER_00]: He is growing so fast, some weeks he looks and acts differently than the week before.
26:10
[SPEAKER_00]: That mischievous twinkle in his eyes seems to be getting a little bit brighter each week.
26:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Being a nanny has helped me understand something about my own mothering to my two girls.
26:22
[SPEAKER_00]: If I could go back to my children's childhood, I would not change much, but I do wish I could have been kinder to myself.
26:31
[SPEAKER_00]: To not expect to be a perfect mom.
26:34
[SPEAKER_00]: The presence I gave my children, which was sometimes watered down, because I was a business-owning mama, was meaningful.
26:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I did watch them like a mother bird.
26:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I cherished the moments from baby to toddler to child to pre-teen and teen.
26:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a ride, and though I wasn't a spiritual-land listener and didn't nurture their relationship with nature, the way I have been in a small way able to do with Leo.
27:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I did the best I knew how to do at the time.
27:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I wished I'd been more gentle with myself, so I could mirror self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance.
27:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But again, I did my best, and so I forgive myself for not being perfect.
27:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Leo, the lion, hearted, the spicy and the sweet, has probably helped in ways I am not even aware of yet, and I do wonder if I am helping heal him too.
27:31
[SPEAKER_00]: There's an energy exchange that happens between Leo, the land, and myself.
27:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I weave the land into my atmosphere, and so he breathes it in when I'm reading to him when he eats, when he dreams.
27:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm teaching him to hug trees, to talk to roses, to listen to birds, to call like the crows.
27:53
[SPEAKER_00]: He surprised me the other day by mimicking the blue jay and howling like a wolf.
27:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, the season is shifting.
28:02
[SPEAKER_00]: The drive is once again darkening.
28:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I can feel the peak of my time with this family has passed.
28:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I have no plans to leave, but I can feel an ending is nearing.
28:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not rushing things.
28:15
[SPEAKER_00]: For now, I enjoy helping them.
28:18
[SPEAKER_00]: But I wonder if both our needs will change around the same time, and the parting will come naturally.
28:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Perhaps sadly, but I sense an amicable end to my time as Leo's nanny.
28:31
[SPEAKER_00]: For now, while I'm with Leo, I'm content to be with him.
28:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I get to practice patience and presence.
28:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I get to look at him and wonder about his soul.
28:42
[SPEAKER_00]: It's such an honor to care for this little boy and witness his curiosity, his love of nature, his instinct, his ability to laugh and feel at all costs.
28:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Our bond has formed with such richness.
28:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Though I am not overly affectionate with him, as a way to create a boundary, I do hug him, tickle his tummy, and hold onto his feet and hands when he sits near me.
29:09
[SPEAKER_00]: but one day, seemingly out of the blue, he locked eyes with me, pulled my face close with his soft hands until our foreheads met.
29:20
[SPEAKER_00]: This was his way of telling me he cared for me.
29:24
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a memory I will take with me always.
29:27
[SPEAKER_00]: His soft baby hands tenderly holding my face close to his.
29:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I teared up recently when I realized some day, he will likely have no memory of me and our time together.
29:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Our slow days in the mountains, counting dragonflies, and daydreaming with the dancing trees will dissolve into his body and awareness.
29:49
[SPEAKER_00]: But I know they will be in their somewhere, imprinted in him, and that is enough.
29:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening, until next time,