Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 273: Relationship Patterns After Divorce — When What Felt Like Love Was Really Fear

Transcript

273: Relationship Patterns After Divorce — When What Felt Like Love Was Really Fear · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, love.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing something a little different for the next few weeks while we work behind the scenes on some really exciting things for you.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the fun part.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're getting double episodes, both Tuesday and Thursday, totally free, getting to try premium for free for a few weeks.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to revisit some of the most powerful dear divorce diary conversations from the vault.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: The ones that hit a little differently once you've lived in this post-divorce life a little longer.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't joined us yet inside Cocoon, it's our free private community.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Use the coupon code in the show notes, Magic Drop, to grab your spot.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're currently, for a short period of time, gifting access to our post-divorce roadmap where you can download that immersive journaling program.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then once you're in there, you can participate in our weekly Magic Drop giveaways.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: We've already had two winners, so what are you waiting for?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's get into it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's one of those episodes that still holds the truth every time you hear it.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is like being caught in a riptide, being pulled under by all of the pressures of life.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you could move through that tide with more of a sense of freedom, abundance, control?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're gonna talk about that, exploring how to turn this post-divorce journey into a deeply powerful work reward experience rather than just the work.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about the law of attraction and how we're not avoiding the work, we're shifting mindset to find beauty in the struggle and pride in the process.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, love.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are three main elements that I want to go over with you today.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the first one is about how you're approaching this process.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it was born out of this beautiful conversation I had with a dear friend this week.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: But first things first is you wouldn't be climbing Machu Picchu or training to run a marathon, expecting it to be all pain and no reward, right?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where we fall short often in divorce recovery, is we're anticipating negativity.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So when you approach the work of divorce and divorce recovery with the right attitude, you can completely transform how you move through it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna talk about the law of attraction and how your mindset impacts your efforts and your outcomes.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is we're gonna talk about faith and its role in this process because your mindset either lifts you up or drags you down, but also what if I told you that your faith, believing in yourself and the universe before you see the outcome, is a significant game changer in your process.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna talk about how having more faith, more embodied faith, not just like a conceptual faith or an intellectual faith, can give you more of the freedom and control you crave.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then by the end of the episode, we're gonna talk about the hidden thing that's blocking both your mindset and your faith.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: That if you're not really looking at this piece, you're gonna just feel like you're freaking stuck in a loop.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But many women have said that they feel stuck and that their dreams and their goals are out of reach, or that they can't even visualize their future and what they want it to look like.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And very often that's not just a mindset issue because most of you have enough experience now to know that mindset is an issue and you try to shift your mindset, but you can't.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the secret deeper energetic block is liver stagnation.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna unpack that barrier to clear thinking, creativity, and forward momentum towards the end of the episode.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dig in.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I was recently at the gym lifting heavy things and putting them back down again.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a ridiculous thing I do, but man, the payoff is fantastic.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my trainer is strongly considering a divorce.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we were talking about the process and this and that and pros and cons and all the things, right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And she was talking about how the next steps for her, number one, she couldn't visualize where she would end up or what she actually wanted.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And number two, she was anticipating this horrible, overwhelming lift, pun intended, right?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And as we were just sort of chitty chatting back and forth, I was like, okay, but hang on.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like you value hard work and you value pain that leads to gain.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, number one, let's talk about your liver, friend.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get to that at the end of the episode.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: But number two, let's say you and I were hiking Machu Picchu.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: We would anticipate that it was going to be grueling.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: But in that gruelingness, while we may feel pain and we may cry and we may say, What were we thinking when we were, you know, why did we plan this?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Why did we want to do this in the first place?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we would be climbing and we would be taking in the beauty of the surroundings.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: We would be anticipating this awesome reward at the top.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: We would be sort of like finding beauty in the process, and we would be feeling a great deep sense of personal satisfaction.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, it it just immediately sort of like took for her, right?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is that we have to really look at the mindset in which we move through something and how it shifts the way we experience the struggle.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so, from a law of attraction standpoint, when you're either trying to initiate a divorce or move through a divorce or finalize a divorce or recover financially and emotionally and whatever from a divorce, like, yeah, it's hard work, like training for a marathon or hiking Machu Picchu, or for my 40th birthday, we hiked the Grand Canyon and I did a lot of it, friend, with Grace on my back.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was obscene how painful it was.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like the pain was directly correlated to the amount of beauty and awe we experienced that day, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was profound, like that was a profoundly impactful experience, that Grand Canyon hike.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I lost toenails a week later, right?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I feared for my life at times.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this sort of relationship between risk, reward, and mindset is something we really have to take a look at when you feel like you're stuck in that riptide of divorce, constantly being pulled back down.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the episode, we're really gonna get into like if you feel like no, Dawn, this isn't me.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: My mindset is on point.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know what you're saying, Dawn.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I keep trying to shift my mindset and it's not stick sticking.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I got you.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about that at the end of the episode.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: But from a law of attraction standpoint, we have to be able to visualize the future we want, just like we have to when we're training for a marathon, visualize ourselves completing like what it's gonna feel like when we cross that finish line.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: If we're hiking something like the Grand Canyon or Machu Picchu, we got to be able to visualize what it's gonna be like at the ascent.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that most of us have seen enough pictures of Machu Picchu or of the Grand Canyon, or we've watched enough times people crossing marathon lines, finish lines, and how emotional it is for them that we believe, right?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: We believe that the reward is there at the end.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where it breaks down with the divorce journey is you don't believe in your ending as much as you believe in these other outcomes.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so you fall back into self-doubt and you fall back into that being stuck in the riptide piece.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when things knock you down, you feel more knocked down than like, oh duh, this is just like I need a rest day after, you know, hitting the gym really hard.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about how faith can help you release some of that riptide effect, right?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that for a lot of women who are practicing the law of attraction, they're wanting to manifest, and they do have a sense of the future that they want, but they literally feel like they cannot sort of get out of the riptide.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Very, very often they talk about the weight of responsibility of being a single woman or a single mom, right?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's just such a weight or a pressure.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder which one you relate to.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I often say pressure, but a lot of women say weight.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Which one do you resonate with more?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Weight or pressure?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a DM and tell me.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um so they talk about the weight or pressure of being a single woman and very often want these beautiful outcomes, like they want to break the cycle with their children, they want to have financial abundance, they want to have a future relationship that is beautiful and safe.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They want to feel peaceful, they want all these things, right?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: But taking one more risk at this point in life feels impossible, right?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Taking one more leap of faith, moving one percent more out of your comfort zone feels impossible, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where we end up when we're in these sort of crunch periods of life, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Where we're being tested on every front, on every level, is where we see the limits of our faith, right?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's like, well, I have faith to a point, right?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that very often when we're in these stuck spots, we want to see evidence before we can take the next leap.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that often is something that holds people back from their manifestations because you can want these big, beautiful things and not realize when it's knocking on your door, because stepping through that door was an invitation to something that was more scary than you could tolerate in that moment.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so something I've often, often said is that where God guides, God provides.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I live and die by that statement.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just recently, when we were on spring break, I was having this foot problem pain thing.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not actually anything to do with my foot, it has to do with my kidneys because long history of cluster headaches and sort of rehabbing my body from all of that, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I was really, I spent a day of spring break in a wheelchair.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was bananas.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was so hard for me to surrender to that, right?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I ended up getting to go to an acupuncturist, this amazing acupuncturist, four days in a row.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she pulled out every trick in the book.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing from cupping and red light and acupuncture and massage and herbs and all the things.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's like she made it her life's mission to heal my kidneys.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so grateful for her.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, that wasn't in the spring break budget.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just wasn't.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you can imagine what those four back-to-back treatments added up to.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it just wasn't in the budget.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I am so profoundly clear that what God wants for me is abundance, is health, is to be well and to be able to live in my gifts that were God given.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so there was no part of me that considered I can't do four back-to-back sessions.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you that that money was not just available per se, right?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so it just doesn't matter to me.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we'll figure it out because where God guides, God provides.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So just I want you to notice when you're in, when you feel like the screws are being turned to you, when you're in the vice of all the pressures of life, where are you saying, like, God can't guide me through this?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: He, he, like, this next thing is not safe.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't take that risk because God isn't going to have my back.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's a massive element of the law of attraction and manifesting that I don't hear people talk about a whole lot.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: That very much manifesting in law of attraction from my experience dovetails with my Christian upbringing and background.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a very faith-based process.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean throw caution to the wind and not be accountable.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, quite to the contrary, right?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's you can't fake a vibration and you can't just spend all the money without being vibrationally aligned with that.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: But this is your cue to get vibrationally aligned to expand your faith because you're not going to be able to let in the rest of the blessings and get out of the riptide unless you start working on this piece.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for the woman who understands mindset and understands faith and cannot seem to, no matter how hard she tries, to positively influence and reach for the positive thought and reach for the faith-based solution, she cannot seem to get the thing to shift.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like your dreams and goals and your even capacity to visualize the future is out of your reach, let's talk about your liver.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in Chinese medicine, we can see how our lived experience absolutely matches our organ system.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, for instance, people who have a hard time with decision making and they often struggle with indecision, typically have clogged or sluggish gallbladders.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: For people who struggle with insomnia and resentment and anger and not being able to visualize their future, they have stagnant livers.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: For people who struggle with boundaries, they typically have stagnant kidneys, right?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So these are all things that have been well documented in traditional Chinese medicine, which is thousands of years old and widely respected.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you are stuck, very often the solution is in the body and it's not in the mind.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's think about all the things that have been slogging down your liver lately.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, first things first, anger lands in the liver.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You've had plenty of that lately, right?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, you probably have been drinking more.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you haven't been drinking more, but maybe you've been taking more CBD gummies to sleep.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you've been taking more supplements because you've been losing your hair because of the stress, and your liver has to process and break down and metabolize those supplements also.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And because you have been so on and off again, depressed and anxious, you are probably taking more pharmaceuticals than you would have taken in the past.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: You may be doing more screen time, less movement, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: All of these things, while none of them are individually wrong, they have a cumulative effect over time.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: That when you grabbed for this solution that was supposed to be temporary, it ended up not being temporary.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now over time, your liver has become sluggish.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels like you are tired, angry, short-tempered, and stuck.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that is your sign that we have to really look at the physical body and start to make some shifts.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so there are lots of recommendations that I make for folks who want to really start looking at detoxifying their liver.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Our next episode will be my favorite solution, and I will unpack all of that in the next episode.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: But first things first is I just want you to take a look at what might be stagnating your liver and look at what maybe you could start to let go of so that you can really propel yourself out of this riptide, right?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Towards freedom, control, and abundance.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so believe it or not, a social media detox can help cleanse your liver.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: More grounding, right?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like feet in the grass.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful time of the year for that, can help detoxify your liver.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Gentle yoga twists, you know, castor oil.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't worry about the whole castor oil pack thing, right?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I call me crazy, but I just, you know, we don't always have to buy a new thing.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just put castor oil on my liver.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Warm lemon water in the morning, great for the liver.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like there are so many things you could do.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Dandelion tea or milk thistle tea, wonderful for the liver.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I actually am not a huge fan of herbs as a liver detox.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are certain circumstances where it's fine, but generally speaking, I wouldn't go the herb route.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: I used to go the herb route, but once you know better, do better, right?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have since learned better.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: The reason I don't love herbs, and I'll talk about this more in the next episode, but you're typically like forcing a detox process that the rest of your organs aren't prepared to like handle that downstream load.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and like I said, your liver still has to metabolize those herbs and it's giving it more work to do.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there are just there are better ways, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like lemon water and grounding and social media detox and gentle yoga and some sauna, some walking, like all of these things are so massively supportive and free, right?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Super free.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like sweating, walking, twisting, lemon water.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like what's the lemon cost?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: 50 cents?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Free, right?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: So take stock of what's going on with your liver, see what you can implement that's currently free, and then catch up with me in the next episode to talk about one of my favorite solutions for liver stagnation and breaking out of this riptide so that you can finally love, feel like you can implement this law of attraction, mindset, manifestation, and faith-based work that you really want to buy into.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, in this episode, we talked about anger as being an energetic block that's keeping you in the riptide of divorce.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I wonder if there's a different emotion that you feel is holding you back.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like it's not anger, but it's something else, would you send me a DM and tell me what that other emotional experience is that you feel like is holding you back from moving forward into this ability to visualize and take these next steps, right?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not anger for you, what is it?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Getting a DM for you from you is seriously the highlight of my day.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot tell you how many beautiful conversations and relationships have come out of the DMs and Instagram.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it is just like my favorite, easiest part of this is to be chatting with you and hearing where you're at and what's going on and being that sort of supportive thing.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: You are not weighing me down or burdening me or bothering me.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: I freaking love it.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: All right, have a beautiful day.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a DM.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Peace.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can find more at mycoachjohn.com.